Rose Petals: a Newbie and a Veteran Watch The Bachelorette, Week 7

Posted by Kim, Maggie, and Kelsey

Maggie: Guys, remember what a train wreck Jojo’s hometown was last season? Do we usually see more of the family during the season or did Ben’s parents just not have a lot going on?
Kim: We’ll see JoJo’s family in the finale. That will be it. Okay the Hometown dates are USUALLY where we will see the next Bachelor emerge. So keep your eyes peeled, ladies.


Maggie: Okay, they seem cute, right?? That was a cute greeting, I didn’t think they had that much there.
Kim: Chase has been the ultimate dark horse this season. I had NO feelings about him like 2 episodes ago and now I am declaring him too pure for this show.
Maggie: I officially feel a little bad for referring to him as Jordan Light for so long, you guys.

Kelsey: Chase calling his family a “broken home” made me want to vomit. Is that his sob story?
Oh god, he’s making into a sob story. Jesus. Ok is it bad that I just want him to get the fuck over it?
Maggie: Listen. Colin’s parents got divorced like 18, 19 years ago. And we talk about it every single time we see his mom. I’m not exaggerating, it always comes up somehow. So even though my parents are still married, the Chase situation all felt very normal to me and not over the top. But. Yeah, I guess that was his sob story??? DON’T MAKE ME SAY BAD THINGS ABOUT CHASE, KELSEY.

Maggie: Oh this is hella awkward though, has Chase ever asked his dad why the first marriage didn’t work out off camera??
Kelsey: So did Chase not see his dad for like years before that? I would NEVER put a new partner through that.Also, if I put this in my situation, there was a long time I didn’t talk to my mom. If I met someone during that time, I would not ask her opinion of that person, because we weren’t close. It feels like this situation is either a stretch or ABC forced them into it and it was fucking weird.
Maggie: Actually altogether, that was a great visit with Chase’s dad, right???
Kim: It WAS. Chase is SLAYING this so far.

Maggie: Chase’s mom is SO HAPPY, you guys.
Kelsey: Chase’s mom is just laying out facts about JoJo. Great laugh. Loves dogs. Hates fish.
Kim: All very important things in a daughter-in-law.

Maggie: Text from Kim: This is the bachelor edit.

Maggie: God I love this conversation between Chase’s mom and Jojo. I can’t even process all of this.
Kim: She is PRECIOUS. God, I am watching this whole date like I’ve never watched this show before. I am getting sucked in.

Chase on this date.

Maggie: Side note, at this point it feels like it was ten years ago that Robby said I love you to JoJo AND CHASE IS TAKING IT SO SERIOUSLY. FUCK ROBBY.
Kim: Honestly, I keep forgetting Robby is here.

Maggie: Ohhhhhhhhhhh it IS.


Maggie: Can I just say, I really prefer the I’m falling in love with you over I love you for this show?? It’s so much more believable.
Kim: I hear you. However, I just feel like the way Chase dropped the L-Bomb was the most believable so far. It’s the whispered confession while they are wrapped up together right before she’s about to leave. (Can you tell I just finished my Outlander recap?) It’s not showy. It felt REAL. I made dolphin noises you guys.
Maggie: If you DIDN’T make dolphin noises, you’re dead inside. Sorry not sorry.


Kelsey: I love JoJo’s reaction to these deer. Adorable.
Maggie: That really is a lot of fucking deer, okay?
Kim: JoJo and the way she reacts to animals though. It’s like she’s a damn Disney Princess.

Kelsey: Chase set the bar really high and so this high school visit just seems like ugh I’M SORRY JORDAN ILY.
Kim: It SCREAMS “I peaked in high school” and that is just NOT attractive.
Maggie: I…can’t disagree. My fave is problematic.

Kelsey: Whoa JoJo kissing Jordan against the desk, ok. Now agains the boooookssss.
Kim: Kissing AGAINST things is his signature move. It’s a good one.
Maggie: Okay it was getting pretty steamy with the library makeout and then the “I can’t wait for you to meet my family” like, bro YOU’RE MAKING OUT RN.

This is apt because Harry is talking about his childhood and Jordan is re-living his.

Kelsey: Is Jordan not having a high school sweetheart his sob story? Nope, back to the Aaron Rodgers sob story.
Maggie: This convo is what the entire season has been building to.
Kim: The Faux-casual “Oh is that your brother?” IS TOO MUCH. The whole thing gives me the willies. It’s so NOT GENUINE.
Maggie: Wait, we’re NOT having the convo???

Kelsey: Do they all have the same haircut?
Maggie: THEY DO.
Kim: Jordan’s is the swoopiest.

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“I’ve never been very good at saying goodbye.” – Outlander Recap – Dragonfly in Amber

Outlander Season 2, Episode 13
“Dragonfly in Amber” 

Posted by Kim

I’m not always a fan of starting at the end and doing the whole “how did we get here?” thing for an entire television season. Unless you are Harry Burns, reading the last page first usually takes all the fun out of the journey. We’ve known this whole season that the events leading up to the Battle of Culloden culminate in Claire going back through the stones to the present day and yet Outlander has managed to keep the season tense and surprising. We may know the ending but Jamie and Claire didn’t and it made watching their attempts to change history all the more frustrating. In the same vein, we’ve known the whole time that they were going to be separated but we didn’t KNOW what would drive them to that point. We knew it had to have been the absolute last resort for them but we didn’t KNOW just how desperate they were. Well, now we do. And DAMN. That last page was still a gut punch even though we knew it was coming. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: season two of Outlander has been a masterclass in storytelling. A pox on the Emmy Voters who ignored it. (Don’t worry…the Feelies are coming up and the show will get its due.)

“Dragonfly in Amber” did a LOT of jumping between the past and the present as Claire’s memories and secrets are forced out into the open when she takes her daughter Brianna to Scotland for the funeral of Reverend Wakefield. For the purposes of keeping my sanity, let’s go through this chronologically, shall we?

We are literally hours away from the start of the Battle of Culloden, using a countdown clock like it’s an episode of 24 or something. (Don’t get me wrong, I dug it.) Jamie makes a final plea to the Prince, trying to make him see reason. The men are exhausted and beaten down and the British have the advantage on the ground. They need to retreat. Charles is having none of it, being all “Naw, son. God’s got this.” He even goes as far as to compare Jamie to Doubting Thomas. “Before this day is over, I will make a believer out of you.” This is why Zealots should never be in charge. Jamie and Claire huddle up in the house. They DO have one final option. They can kill the Prince. Yep, they are that desperate that they are FINALLY willing to consider the option that Murtagh tossed about in Paris all those months ago. (Always listen to Murtagh, people.) Claire pulls out a vial of her seemingly endless supply of yellow jasmine and says that they can poison him RIGHT NOW and all this would end. She also casually drops the knowledge that she helped Colum kill himself the night before. Jamie is shocked and is like “Yo, suicide is a mortal sin” and Claire basically says “Yeah, yeah, but he asked. FOCUS.” She knows Charles’ health is poor, she’s been treating him for scurvy for weeks. No one would be surprised if he died and no one would KNOW that they killed him. Bless the 1700’s and their lack of a CSI department, amirite?

Jamie stresses to Claire that what they would be doing is cold-blooded murder. There’s no way to get around that. Claire counters that it’s one murder that will save thousands. They have to look at the big picture here. Jamie agrees and then tells Claire they need to act quickly. Here’s where shit gets real. Unbeknownst to them, Dougal has been listening outside the door the whole time. He bursts into the room and betrayal and agony and rage are written all over his face. You have to look back and recall what Dougal said to Claire back when he joined them in “Je Suis Prest” to understand his reaction. Dougal cares about the Jacobite cause and getting the Stuarts on the throne more than anything else in this world. He doesn’t KNOW that Jamie and Claire are trying to save ALL of them by killing the Prince. All he hears is that they are planning on killing Charles Stuart, son of the man he wants nothing more than to see restored to the throne. YIKES.

You also have to factor in that Dougal’s pride is still smarting from Colum naming Jamie guardian of his son rather than his own brother. It’s a perfect storm of emotion and Dougal is blinded by his rage and betrayal. Jamie tries to tell his uncle that it’s not what he thinks but it’s too late for that. Dougal, already emotionally and physically spent, is too far gone to hear Jamie out. His unwillingness to listen also makes it seem like he’s been WAITING for this to happen, especially when he turns on Claire. (Let’s take a moment to appreciate that even in the direst of circumstances, Jamie gets all “Don’t say bad things about my wife, I will end you.” Prince among men he is.) “What you’ve done to me,” Dougal snarls. “We’re past anger.” Dougal draws his sword and takes a swing at Jamie and it’s CLEAR that he’s not fucking around. Dougal is fighting to KILL. Jamie still tries to reason with him as he dodges the blows but it’s grossly ineffective. This is kill or be killed time. Dougal takes no prisoners, going for Jamie’s bad hand. (Me: WHY IS IT ALWAYS HIS HAND?) Finally, Jamie pins Dougal down and you can SEE the hesitation in his face because he knows what he has to do. He just doesn’t want to do it. Claire senses this and she rushes to his side and they grip the sword together and they push down slowly as Jamie whispers his apologies. Well…that escalated quickly.

As if things couldn’t get worse, Rupert decides to burst into the room and finds Jamie and Claire hunched over Dougal’s bloodied body. Ohhhhhh fuuuuuuck. Jamie begs Rupert to give him two hours to sort some things out and then he’ll return to face up to what he’s done. (Me: IN MERCY’S NAME, THREE DAYS ARE ALL I NEEEEEEEEED. THEN I’LL RETURN, I PLEDGE MY WORD.) Rupert agrees, both to the time and to the fact that Jamie’s going to pay for this. Jamie kicks into overdrive. He quickly finds Murtagh and tells him what’s he’s done. Murtagh’s response? “Canna say I’m that surprised, only that it took ye so long. What’s to do, then?” BLESS HIM. Seriously. Murtagh doesn’t even bat an eye at the fact that Jamie’s murdered his uncle, he just immediately goes to “How can I help?”

Jamie busts out the deed to Lallybroch and signs it over to Jenny’s son. It turns out that Jamie’s always been prepared for things to come to this point and he was always thinking ahead. The legal date on the deed is a year prior, before the rebellion, before Jamie was named a traitor. He’s done everything he can to protect his family in the event of his death. Murtagh and Claire sign the deed as his witnesses and Murtagh asks if Jamie wants him to deliver it to Jenny. Nope. Jamie has other plans. He turns to Fergus and entrusts him with the task of getting it to Jenny because that gets his adopted son out of the direct line of fire. Fergus doesn’t want to leave, of course, but Jamie stresses that he must. “Not just for the deed, but no matter what happens here today, it’s important someone remembers.” (WHO LIVES WHO DIES WHO TELLS YOUR STORRRRRRYYYYYYYY?) “You’re a soldier now, mon fils. I love you like a son” “Like our own son,” Claire adds. Fergus promises his parents that he will not fail them and steals away as Claire and Jamie watch proudly. I AM EMOTIONAL.

Jamie turns to Murtagh and tells him to gather the Frasers of Lallybroch. He’s getting them the fuck out of there. “The battle is already lost. I’ll not have my kin die for nothing.” Murtagh asks Jamie what HE plans to do and he replies that he’s going to get Claire to safety and then return to the battlefield and fight until it’s done. He knows at this point that he’s doomed…whether it be at the hands of the British or the hands of the MacKenzies. All he cares about now is saving as many as he can. Murtagh agrees to getting the Frasers on the road to Lallybroch but then adds that he’ll be there waiting for Jamie when he gets back. Jamie will not be alone in this. When Jamie insists that he won’t have Murtagh die for nothing, Murtagh stands firm. “I won’t be. I’ll be dying with you.” And now I am having Legolas and Gimli at the end of Return of the King feels and I am too fragile for this. Murtagh is SO GOOD and I can’t bear the thought of him not being with us next season. Tell me he escapes. Except don’t tell me.


Finally, Jamie goes to get Claire. She KNOWS where he wants to take her and she fights against it. She argues that they could both run away together, that it doesn’t have to be this way, but Jamie KNOWS. His fate is sealed. Claire’s is not. She tries to argue her way out of it but Jamie plays the ultimate trump card. He knows that Claire is pregnant. Apparently Jamie is really good at period math, even in the midst of a war. “This child…this one is all that will be left of me ever.” WELL PLAYED SIR. There’s nothing Claire can say to counteract that statement. Besides, she promised that if it came down to it, she’d go back. “YOU are my home,” Claire insists. “And you are mine,” Jamie replies. “But this home is lost. And now you and the bairn…you must go to a safe place. To a man… a man that could care for you both.” LISTEN. I CAN’T with Jamie and all his noble self-sacrificing. You KNOW this is killing him but he is being insistent because Claire’s life and his unborn child’s life are more important to him than anything in this world and he would rather die knowing Claire is in the arms of another man as long as it means she’s out there breathing. LEAVE ME HERE.

Claire: How will I explain all this? How can I go back? To Frank?
Jamie: All that I leave to you. Tell him what you will about me…about us. It’s likely he’ll no want to hear, but if he does…tell him I’m grateful. And tell him I trust him, and tell him I hate him to the very marrow of his bones.


At the stones, Claire says the thing that’s on ALL of our minds: can’t Jamie just come with her? IF ONLY it were that easy! Whatever sort of cosmic thing is going on at Craigh Na Dun, it doesn’t affect him. He doesn’t hear the buzzing coming from the stones that Claire does. He touches them and feels only stone beneath his hands. (OKAY THEN BUT WHO WAS THE PERSON ON THE STREET IN THE PILOT. TELL ME BUT DON’T TELL ME.) Even if he COULD go through them, Jamie gently tells Claire that it’s not his place. His destiny lies on Culloden Moor and if they have learned ANYTHING from their schemes it’s that you can’t fight destiny. AND THEN Jamie decides to murder us with this speech:

Jamie:  But I’ll find you. I promise. If I have to endure 200 years of purgatory…200 years without you, then that is my punishment that I have earned for my crimes, for I have lied, killed, stolen, betrayed and broken trust. But when I stand before God, I’ll have one thing to say to weigh against all the rest. Lord…you gave me a rare woman. And God, I loved her well.

AND THEN THEY DO IT RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF THE STONES BECAUSE OF COURSE THEY HAD TO BECAUSE THEY ARE CLAIRE AND JAMIE AND THIS IS THE GREATEST SHOW EVER. (Text from Sage: Aw, he fucked her one last time. BLESS.) LISTEN what kind of cosmic soulmate romantic GOD I WANT TO DIE shit is this that when Jamie looks back on his life the one thing that he would tell God at the Pearly Gates is that he loved Claire well? SERIOUSLY. Thanks for ruining me for life, show. These are the kind of standards we should DEMAND, ladies.

Cannons start firing in the distance. The battle has begun. That last quickie out-of-the-way, Claire and Jamie go about their final bits of business. Claire hands him their wedding gift from Hugh Munro, a literal dragonfly in amber (is it MAGIC? Why did he give them that? Am I forgetting something or is this the show doing another nod to the title?), telling him to keep it with him. Jamie gives Claire his father’s ring, telling her to give it to the baby. Claire promises to name the baby Brian, after his father. ALL OF THIS HAPPENS WHILE JAMIE GENTLY WALKS CLAIRE BACKWARDS TOWARDS THE STONES. This whole time I had in my head that Claire went back alone and I can’t decide whether or not I think it’s WORSE that Jamie was there the whole time. Their eyes never stray from each other as they ease their way to the stones, trying to soak in as much of each other as possible while they still can. They are memorizing the lines on each other’s faces, the way their skin feels underneath the other’s fingers, the way they smell, everything. It’s intense and loving and sad and JAMIE IS SO DETERMINED AND STRONG AS CLAIRE CRIES and this is DEFINITELY WORSE than the thought of Claire doing this alone. They say “I love you” one last time. The only moment they break eye contact is the moment they reach the stone and Jamie turns her around and takes her hand and they fucking touch the stone together. One second Claire is wrapped up in Jamie’s warm embrace and the next she’s alone in 1948.


And that brings us to the opening moments of “Through a Glass, Darkly.” NO WONDER CLAIRE LET OUT THAT PRIMAL SCREAM.

Flash forward twenty years to 1968…

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Fan Vid Friday – The Best of Backstreet Boys

Posted by Kim and Sage

If you’re even a casual reader of this website, you’ll know that we are Boy Band Trash to our very core. Our love for cute boys singing catchy pop songs is in our blood, in our DNA, in the very marrow of our bones. This week for Fan Vid Friday, as we watch the telenovela known as the “One Direction Hiatus” (*insert WE WERE ON A BREAK gif here*) we thought we’d take it back to one of our enduring loves: the Backstreet Boys. In this trying time, we thank them for being past their days of drama and simply providing us with tunes that will never fail to bring a smile to our faces. KTBSPA. — Kim

Rose and Nine – “The One” 

Sage: Unless the Backstreet Boys’ next album (WHERE IS IT) includes a song about flying the TARDIS with the parking brake on, “The One” will always reign as the band’s most Doctor Who-ish track. “I guess you were lost when I met you.” That could be the Doctor talking about any of his companions OR strike that reverse it: any of his companions talking about HIM.

Kim: This is about Rose and Nine though, OMG. She’ll be the one who will make all his sorrows undone. She’ll be the light when he feels like there’s nowhere to run. *cries forever*

Fox Mulder – “Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely” 

Sage: You guys remember when Dana Scully got abducted and Fox Mulder LOST HIS DAMN MIND?

Kim: Sometimes you find a song and a story arc that fit so perfectly you want to set yourself on fire. This is one of those times. TELL ME WHY CAN’T I BE WHERE YOU ARE?

Jamie and Claire – “Drowning” 

Sage: We’re talking Jamie and Claire, so it might go without saying that this Backstreet fan vid is not safe for work. Unless you work as that guy in Love Actually, the second AD who gets to deliver directions to the body doubles. Related: I picture that guy behind the scenes shouting commands at the Outlander actors. (“We need to know when we’re gonna see, um, the nipples? And when we’re not.”)

Kim: “Every time I breathe I take you in and my heart beats again. Baby, I can’t help it. Keep me drowning in your love.” = “Does it ever stop? The wanting you?” This song is so Jamie and Claire it HURTS. Maybe she’s a drifter…maybe not. Also note to the Outlander showrunners: MORE SEX IN SEASON THREE PLEASE. For serious, if I don’t get a 45 minute sex scene when they are reunited, I’m burning Utica to the ground.

Jim and Pam – “Helpless When She Smiles” 

Sage: Jim Halpert has the heart of the most sincere boy band love ballad. He lives in that world, so this is not a stretch. Kudos for including the post-Jinx “Hi,” which still gives me the butterflies.

Kim: If “Helpless When She Smiles” doesn’t describe the schmoopy heart eyes Jim Halpert sports every time he looks at Pam, then I know nothing. Also John Krasinski’s stupid face can get right the fuck off this planet and LET ME LIVE.

Harry Potter – “Larger Than Life” 

Sage: The series did take place circa the late ’90s, so head canon accepted that there were a few copies of Millennium strewn around every house common room.

Kim: The vidder gets REAL clever with clips and lyrics in this and I love it. I love the Ron/Hermione at the Yule Ball to “Can’t you see? Can’t you see?” And the dueling during the instrumental break! Glorious.

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Rose Petals: a Newbie and a Veteran Watch The Bachelorette, Week 6

Posted by Kim, Maggie, and Kelsey

Maggie: Shout out to my sister in Boston who attempts to read these even though she doesn’t watch the show <3
Kelsey: Last episode feels SO long ago. Like aren’t we over the last rose psych out yet?
Kim: Stupid July 4th falling on a Monday and pre-empting my stories.

Maggie: I’m having a hard time paying attention to the this week on the show bits but I did spy some cardigans so let’s go.
Kelsey: While Jordan’s hair makes me overwhelmed, Alex’s hair is weird and gross and stringy in this first scene.
Kim: SERIOUSLY. What’s going on there, Smol?

Kelsey: Is Chris Harrison still doing his clothing line? I need to look into this.
Maggie: Um, fucking EXCUSE ME he has a clothing line?
Kim: What even IS part of his line? Ill fitting blazers? Rose brooches? WHAT?

Kelsey: Alex’s “Whoa” response to his date is fucking hilarious.
Kim: But is this a pity one on one, Smol? 

Maggie: How many times are we all going to acknowledge Alex is the only one to not have a one on one yet?
Kim: IDK how many times did they mention that Wells was the only one not to have kissed her yet? They need something to fixate on.
Kelsey: “So…shut up.” Such insight, Chase.
Kim: LISTEN. I have NEVER been more proud of the fact that I said that Chase was the Gretchen Weiners of the clique than I am in this very moment. He has HAD IT with Regina George. I mean, he may as well be giving the Smol Swedish Weight-Gain bars right now.

Maggie: I think Alex means they all have a foundation that you can’t build on tearing another guy down????
Kim: But isn’t that what Alex has been doing this WHOLE TIME? Do they EVER not talk about the other guys when they are together?

Kelsey: Ew is Alex sitting in the middle seat? Stop.
Kim: Seriously, why is he sitting SO CLOSE? It would make me bananas. 
Personally I’d rather be on the bus with my clique than on this awkward drive with Jojo, but whatever.
Kim: Give me ALL the footage of the plastics on the bus, you guys. ALL OF IT. Also, we got an interesting glimpse into the group dynamic. Last week, I pondered whether or not Luke was a loner, but he was ensconced in the middle of the bus. James Taylor, on the other hand, just seemed like he was so happy they let him sit with him.
Maggie: You KNOW Chase was internally screaming “YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US.”

Kelsey: Dude I feel like their date is them just sitting in the back of a car all day? This is super boring.
Kelsey: “I’m having a hard time connecting with him romantically.” Ok, imagine this same date with Luke, they’d be naked by now.
Maggie: Okay why does she keep saying they’re so comfortable? It doesn’t read that way at all to me. (Or do I just hate Alex? Unconfirmed.)
Kim: I KNOW they probably played up the long stretches of silence for the comedy/awkward of it all but at the same time maybe they didn’t? They don’t have anything to talk about and they have nothing in common. I don’t know WHY she kept him, honestly. This is SUCH a pity one-on-one.

Kelsey: Holy shit I can’t even respond to this rap of the bus boys. This is fucking hilarious.
Kim: OKAY but Luke’s BURN of the Smol though. He’ll need a stool get into the sidecar? THIS IS MAKING ME QUESTION ALL OF MY HATRED TOWARDS HIM.

Kelsey: Ohh I want to see more of James’ tattoos.
Maggie: What the fuck is tattooed on James Taylor’s arm and how have I never noticed it before?
Kim: I have not noticed it either but that’s because I always try to avoid looking at James Taylor directly.

Maggie: I’m so scared of Bachelor in Paradise, you guys.
Kim: You should be.

Maggie: Alex doesn’t seem that Wild and Unruly to me, but sure let’s see how this gaucho date goes.
Kelsey: “He actually looks really good!” No, JoJo, he does not look good in the gaucho attire.
Kim: I am so embarrassed for him RN.
Kelsey: “You’re a cute little gaucho” LOLOLOL JoJo is calling him SMOL too.
Kim: I’m just glad everyone is FINALLY acknowledging the Smol’s smolness.

Kelsey: Jordan is a picky eater. He can hang out with you, Maggie.
Kelsey: I want all of those meats.
Kim: IDK I am terrified this whole roadside meat stop is going to end up like that scene in Bridesmaids. You know which one.

Maggie: Is it humid in Argentina? How does Robby maintain that perfectly coiffed swoop?
Kim: I am still MYSTIFIED about what is going on there.

Maggie: Real talk, I think Alex is a little too all business and goals oriented to connect with his heart on this date. He’s not soft enough somehow in general.
Kim: He’s so focused on WINNING I think he’s lost sight of whether or not he even LIKES JoJo.
Kelsey: How long is this date going to go, I can’t take his hat (beret?) much longer.

Kelsey: Okay the man with the horse seems fucking weird. I don’t like this.
Maggie: Does the gaucho with the horse remind anyone of the yoga date though?

Maggie: Wow, this is such a natural relaxed comfortable date, lying in a field spooning this horse with you.
Kim: Does it count as voyeurism if the horses watch? (Seriously, does this show know what I’ve been reading lately? Are they breaking into my iPad? If they do a Bodyguard type of date next, I’m calling the cops.)
Kelsey: Oh my god is Alex about to be little spoon?
Kim: Well, he is smol.
Maggie: Aw, give him a break, he’s big.

Maggie: “Today is just confirmation that somehow I’m still here” I couldn’t have put it better myself, Alex.
Kelsey: “I’m in a sense of enlightenment right now” Fuck you Alex.
Kim: Deep thoughts by a Smol Marine. (ALSO IS HE NOT PICKING UP HER VIBE? She is RADIATING “no romantic interest” here.)

Maggie: Robby’s style hews a little Miami Vice now and then, yes?

Maggie: Ooh we finally got to another “I’m falling in love with you” which just underscores how much Robby jumped the gun. (For someone who’s gotten like no screen time, I’m sure talking a lot about Robby so far)
Kim: Dude, he’s spent like 5 minutes with her, he just thinks L-Bombs are how you win.

Maggie: Dude, is Alex going home right now????
Kim: Chris Harrison lulled him into a false sense of security by saying no one-on-one roses…
Kelsey: “From day one we’ve had a connection” Really? I literally feel zero chemistry between these two.
Kim: ZERO.

Kim: Shouldn’t have gone with the premature L-bomb on the FIRST ONE ON ONE.
Kelsey: JoJo’s reaction to Alex telling her he’s falling in love with her was not a positive one. DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN JOJO.
Kim: Her face was literally “Oh shit, I have to send you home right now.”
Kelsey: “I don’t feel as excited as I should feel” Oh my. GET IT.
Maggie: I was not expecting this even though I knew that’s how she must be feeling, my heart stopped a little.
Kim: I ALWAYS respect when they don’t torment the people for a week before cutting them at the rose ceremony. When you know you know.

Maggie: Holy shit, Alex is going home. Right. Now.
Maggie: I have a lot of respect for how she’s handling this, honestly she’s coming across so well this season. I don’t need Chris Harrison to tell me how strong and independent she is, okay.

Maggie: You just know he’s SEETHING on the inside. After they spooned that horse and everything.
Kim: He must feel so used.
Kelsey: Too bad this is the first shirt that really fits Alex properly.

Kelsey: Alex completely closes off. Which, honestly, would be my reaction, too.
Kim: I mean, I get being dumped on National TV is no fun but how could he have not seen that his relationship with JoJo was no where NEAR the rest? And at this point, there was no room to catch up. And like making her feel bad about it is just him trying to make HIMSELF feel better.
Maggie: I hate seeing her doubt herself, I think she did the exact right thing. JOJO YOU’RE GOOD, YOU DO YOU.
Kim: Bye Smol Regina George.

Kelsey: Private jet to Mendoza v. long car ride to the Estancia? Like, c’mon blatant favoritism.
Kim: I mean…he’s been the “frontrunner” since day one. Spoiler alert, that term is going to make you want to tear your hair out by the end of the episode.
Maggie: Okay this wine tasting date I can get behind. Also…what is this pattern on Jordan’s shorts, he’s such a Harry girl.
Kim: I love a man who is not afraid to rock a good pattern.

Maggie: Ew okay maybe I can’t get behind this date
Kelsey: Grape crushing reminds me of the grape crushing fail.

Kelsey: Okay they’re drinking their foot grape juice.
Kim: I don’t think that’s how it’s supposed to go. Also, we go to an orchard every fall to pick apples and they ALSO have grapes that you can pick off the vine and I SWEAR TO GOD those grapes are some of the best things I’ve ever put in my mouth. So I can see WHY they did this, even if I think it’s gross. Just say no to foot juice.
Maggie: I was so on board with this date idea, especially after the horse spooning fiasco with Smol, until they started drinking it and then I started throwing up.

Maggie: Luke and Chase are either downplaying or don’t know about the fact that Jojo supposedly met Jordan’s ex and got that scoop before filming, the “external hype” isn’t all it’s cracked up to be I KNOW HE’S MY FAVE BUT I’M SAYING.
Kim: Okay, with Smol Regina George gone, that bumps Cady/Jordan up to Head Plastic, right? Chase/Gretchen and Robby/Karen TOTALLY WANT TO STAB HIM.

Maggie: “What does JoJo want to do with Luke on a one-on-one that she doesn’t want to do with me?” Sex, Chase. SEX.
Kelsey: JoJo-Luke one on one, seems like they’re just going to have sex.
Kim: I love that you two wrote that independantly. WIFE BRAIN. Also, accurate.

Maggie: Jojo and Jordan’s banter is just a liiiiiiittle awk.
Kim: I think they are REALLY still in the “OMG I have to impress this person” phase where they make awkward jokes that only Harry Styles can pull off and on the inside you KNOW Jordan is just going “I carried a watermelon?”

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HOF at SDCC AGAIN – Our Expectations and Wildest Dreams

only at comic con

Posted by Kim and Sage

It’s almost the day of the show, y’all! San Diego Comic Con is just over a week away. Surely the city is neck-deep in preparations for the hordes of nerds about to roll in from all corners of the world. It’s our second ever SDCC, so we’re coming back a little seasoned, a lot wiser, and very well-educated on the danger of sand fleas. (Hall H line: bug spray is your friend.) The full schedule dropped this weekend, so we’ve been honing our own. Read on for a sneak peek at the panels and parties we’ll be live-tweeting from SDCC 2016, plus our craziest fantasies and sensible expectations of what they’ll entail. –Sage

Preview Night

happy hunger games

Wildest Dream: We have very little concept of what preview night entails, since we were ensconced in the Hall H line the whole time last year. So our wildest dreams clearly entail getting all the exclusives and swag we want in one fell swoop so we don’t have to lug purchases around the rest of the con.

Expectation: We go home early because this one is on America’s Got Talent that night.



Classic Nickelodeon Animation Panel


Wildest Dream: We’ll be launched back into our childhoods by the sheer force of nostalgia. No bills, no periods, no Tinder matches who text gross things after seeming normal for a while.

Expectation: Every millennial at the con will be in this room.

Moana: The Art of Story

Wildest Dream: Lin Manuel Miranda will make an appearance; jump on the dais to perform “My Shot”; and then stay for two hours afterward to take selfies with everyone.

Expectation: Some footage, MAYBE a clip of one of the songs.

The Good Place Screening and Q&A

Wildest Dream: We’ll get to meet Mike Schur and thank him for making inclusive comedies with diverse casts that make us feel like the world isn’t a four-alarm trash fire 24/7.

Expectation: We’ll skip this entire thing to get into the Mr. Robot line.


Wildest Dream: One or both of us will be lured back in to this show.

Expectation: We’ll ogle Josh Holloway and get spoiled on the first season.

Mr. Robot

mr robot

Wildest Dream: Sam Esmail, Rami Malek, and the rest of the cast will be able to answer any audience question about season 2 without being cryptic and vague.

Expectation: Upon realizing she’s breathing the same air as Rami, Sage will cease doing so and therefore die.

Fandom Comic Con Party


Wildest Dream: There won’t be a line to get in. The swag will be sick. The promised “celebs” will be B-list or above.

Expectation: We’ll get shut out and have to eat overpriced rubbery burgers at the actual Hard Rock Cafe.


The Big Bang Theory Writers Panel

Wildest Dream: Chuck Lorre and crew do an hour-long apology for how this show ACTUALLY makes fun of nerds instead of celebrating them. Mayim Bialik returns and does a sacrificial bonfire of all the misogynistic scripts.

Expectation: Graeme Burk storifies our snarky tweets again.



Wildest Dream: Creator Hart Hanson makes a surprise appearance and reveals that Sweets ACTUALLY isn’t dead but has been in Witness Protection this whole time and he’ll be returning for the final season.

Expectation: We get an hour-long LOVE FEST as this long-running favorite says farewell to SDCC ahead of its final season. We get the season finale spoiled for us since it will have just aired the night before.

The 100

the 100

Wildest Dream: Ricky Whittle will storm the panel, demanding justice for Lincoln with Alycia Debnam-Carey at his side carrying a banner for Lexa. Everyone holds Jason Rothenberg accountable for how the show went off the rails this season and he says it was all a fever dream.

Expectation: Ricky and Alycia are too busy STARRING ON THEIR OWN SHOWS to be bothered with this. Rothenberg is let off the hook since the rest of the cast fears for their jobs. Bob Morley’s shoulders are broad.


Wildest Dream: Danny Pudi and Vanessa Hudgens grace us with a song and dance number. Danny says “Cool. Cool cool cool.” at least once during the panel.

Expectation: We find ourselves completely endeared by this comedy, dooming it to cancellation.

American Gods

ricky whittle

Wildest Dream: Our queen Gillian Anderson and our BFF Orlando Jones are last-minute additions to this panel.

Expectation: Ricky Whittle charms the whole room. Bryan Fuller wears an outrageous suit. We see a sizzle reel for the upcoming premiere.

Orphan Black


Wildest Dream: Graeme Manson tells us he was just kidding with that whole “Next season is the final season” thing. Tatiana Maslany does the whole panel in character as Helena and/or Krystal.

Expectation: Jordan Gavaris’ natural speaking voice fucks us up once again. Everyone worships Tatiana for the goddess that she is whilst the lady herself gets SUPER bashful about the praise. There is either a party or a protest regarding Tat’s Emmy Nomination. We’ll know which way that cookie crumbles on July 14.



Wildest Dream: Our dear friend Samuel Anderson has let HIS good buddy Dominic Cooper know how awesome we are and WE become friends with Dominic too, bringing us one step closer to becoming best friends with James Corden. THE HISTORY BOYS, Y’ALL.

Expectation: Joe Gilgun (Cassidy) having a British Accent as opposed to an Irish one FUCKS US UP. Dominic Cooper smolders.


stag night

Wildest Dream: Benedict Cumberbatch drops by, since he’s in town for the Doctor Strange panel.

Expectation: We drink too much wine and start saying “Am I a pretty lady?” to each other.

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Fan Video Friday – Hamilton #Ham4Fan

Posted by Kim and Sage

Welcome folks, to the Miranda Administration. Like everyone else who cares about ART and AMERICA, we are the trash of the thing. Hamilton is the cultural gift that keeps on giving, even as it takes and it takes and it takes – mostly, my money. The themes of the show are so universal, the hero’s journey and downfall so familiar, that all it takes is a little imagination to apply Hamilton tracks to other fandoms. The great work is hardly finished though. Where are all my Parks and Recreation tributes? What about a Doctor video to “Wait for It”? If editors are creating mash-ups like they’re running out of time, it’s only because there’s too much left to be done. Here are some of our favorites so far. –Sage

Team Cap – “Right Hand Man” 

Kim: Bucky is Steve’s right hand man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know we’re going Avengers-heavy in these posts this summer but how can we NOT when there is so much good stuff out there?

Sage: “Are these the men with which I am to defend America?” – Steve, all through Civil War. I also screamed in delight when T’Challa comes flying at Bucky at “INCOMINGGGG.” I miss T’Challa.

Rey and Luke – “History Has Its Eyes On You” 

Kim: I have GOOSEBUMPS. “Let me tell you what I wish I’d known, when I was young and dreamed of glory. You have no control, who lives, who dies, who tells your story.” This is SUCH a passing of the torch song and that’s exactly what is happening in the Star Wars universe right now. Are we sure Lin didn’t WRITE Hamilton as a low-key ode to Star Wars?

Sage: Lin is IN Star Wars, sooooo…I don’t think we can rule it out.

Disney Princesses – “The Schuyler Sisters” 


Sage: But The Muses as the chorus, though. And Gaston pulling up on Belle while Burr pulls up on Angelica. I bet Burr also used antlers in all of his decorating. Isn’t that what everyone did in the 18th century?

Jon Snow – “Alexander Hamilton” 

Kim: This IS Jon Snow’s arc though. There’s a million things he hasn’t done, just you wait. Game of Thrones lost me during season 5 but I’ve heard so many great things about season six that I’m thinking of going back. Once I have like 5 extra hours in every day, that is.

Sage: I also quit this show – mid-season 4 for me – but I’m low-key invested enough in Jon Snow’s rise to glory to read spoilers every week. He’s got the bastard/orphan thing down. OR DOES HE.

Whouffaldi – “That Would Be Enough” 

Kim: BYE. *jumps off a cliff*

Sage: This is like Whouffaldi baby-fic set to music, and I hate you forever for finding this, Kim.

The Bartlet Administration – “History Has Its Eyes On You” 

Kim: We watched selected episodes of The West Wing for a good portion of our day on July 4th and now I am feeling a series rewatch coming. Thus far, this is the ONLY fan video of The West Wing and Hamilton and that needs to CHANGE. CAN YOU IMAGINE THE OPTIONS? A Josh and Donna video to “Helpless”? A CJ Cregg video to “Satisfied”? An ode to Bartlet set to “One Last Time”? I AM EMO.

Sage: I’ve spent most of the last 24 hours thinking about this, and Josh Lyman is the spiritual love child of Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr. Hear me out, don’t touch that dial: “Death doesn’t discriminate” = his personality is shaped by survivor’s guilt. But he’s as balls-to-the-wall, bull-in-a-china-shop, act-first-ask-questions-later as A. Ham. Also, “He doesn’t hold a grudge, that’s what he pays me for” is so Hamilton/Washington that it should just be added to the score.

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“Ye leave me alone in the dark” – Outlander Recap – The Hail Mary

Outlander Season 2, Episode 12
“The Hail Mary” 

Posted by Kim

After the breathless pace of “Prestonpans” and “Vengeance is Mine,” Outlander took a little time to breathe in season two’s penultimate episode. It’s the calm before the storm and a sense of dread looms over the entire episode. It’s three days before what Claire and Jamie KNOW to be D-Day, The Battle of Culloden. The Jacobite army is broken, exhausted and starving after 5 months of retreat. “All that work, all that plotting, how the bloody hell did we end up here?” Claire spits, hopelessly. SAME. In “The Fox’s Lair,” Claire mused about the definition of insanity being doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. That’s what they’ve been doing ALL SEASON and Claire’s resources are exhausted and she can’t help her bitter disappointment. Jamie, bless his light, refuses to give up and makes a final Hail Mary pass to the Prince to try to stave off the inevitable. “The Hail Mary” offers us insight into two of the most complicated characters f the series: Dougal MacKenzie and Captain Jonathan Randall. It’s a character study of brotherly devotion and it also FINALLY resolves the fate of Mary Hawkins. (I LOVE the wordplay of this episode title and the multiple meanings. It’s so clever.) Let’s get to it, shall we?

As I said, it’s been 5 months since the events of “Vengeance is Mine” and the Jacobite army has arrived just outside of Inverness with their sails completely deflated. (Side note: So no one’s going to get in trouble for killing the Duke of Sandringham? Is he just a missing person that nobody missed at aaaaaaalllllll? GOOOOOOODBYEEEEEE EARL!) Jamie sends Dougal on a mission to scout out the location of the British Army while he prepares for a war council with the prince. “Dinna wave the white flag just yet,” Jamie urges his despondent wife. Jamie is convinced that there is still time…but what he fails to take into account is the fact that Charles is still putting all his stock in Divine Purpose and therefore he refuses to see reason. Sure enough, all of Charles’ other advisers are targeting Culloden Moor as the PERFECT place to wage a battle. “That is the perfect spot…for the British,” Jamie declares. The moor is completely flat, you see. There is literally no where for them to hide and the Jacobite army simply doesn’t have the resources to take on the Red Coats like that. Jamie urges that the Prince go out among his men, that he needs to see how tired and broken they are before ordering them out into a battle like this. There is also the matter of the aid from France. which has yet to materialize. If they can wait for the French gold, which will allow them funds to replenish weapons and food, the men will be strong enough to fight. It’s all SO REASONABLE yet NO ONE is like “That’s a brilliant idea, Jamie, there’s no way we can win right now.” Charles pats Jamie’s cheek as if to say “My dear Ginger friend, don’t you know the God will provide manna to feed the men and drop down a whole load of ammunition from the sky for us?” I mean…I think he GENUINELY believes that. He’s tired of retreating. (Um, wasn’t that your idea in the first place?) He’s ready to FIGHT, screw the state of his army. “Gentleman, God will provide for us. We do His bidding. May He have mercy on us all.” Like I said. Charles is expecting manna from heaven. And that’s NOT coming. Sorry.

“God totally wants us to win this thing, y’all. Who cares about a rested army?”

Meanwhile, Claire has traveled into Inverness to restock her medical supplies. At the apothecary, she runs into a familiar face: Mary Hawkins. Claire is understandably shocked, considering they sent her home after the whole cutting her godfather’s head off debacle. Mary coldly informs her that once she got home, she was contacted by Alex Randall and that they are engaged to be married. Claire tries to mask her surprise by saying “That’s wonderful” but Mary sees right through it. “IS IT? You pretended to be my FRIEND.” Yep, Mary knows everything about how Claire convinced Alex to leave Mary in Paris and she’s FURIOUS. Claire stammers that she did it in Mary’s best interest (she can’t exactly tell the TRUTH about trying to save her husband in the future, can she?) but Mary only hears that she was denied time with the man she loved, even if that time was to be short. Alex’s health has declined and Mary is doing her best to care for him. Claire asks if she can call on Alex to apologize and Mary offers a cool “If you wish.” Her forgiveness is not going to be easily won, it seems.


At the boarding house, Claire finds Alex and he’s basically Satine in the final act of Moulin Rouge. Mary’s trying to ease his breathing with arsenic, but Claire quickly shuns that treatment in favor of whipping up a poultice, which I am guessing is a 1700’s version of Vicks VapoRub. We hear footsteps and then Alex wheezes “Johnny. You remember Madame Fraser.” I know it’s horrible but I LIVE for all these interactions where Blackjack and Claire have to pretend to be casual acquaintances rather than sworn enemies. Their faces are AMAZING as they try to school their mutual enmity into casual dislike. But there is something OFF about Blackjack here. He looks…distressed. We’ve NEVER known to Blackjack Randall to care for anyone but yet we hear his brother call him Johnny with such ADORATION. We learn that Blackjack arranged a special leave with the army in order to see his brother and we learn that he’s been paying Alex and Mary’s bills since Alex has been too sick to work. It’s so incongruous with the man we’ve come to know and you can TELL that he hates that Claire is learning all of this. *sings* “But to cry in front of yoooooooou. That’s the worst thing I could do.”

Mary asks Claire when she thinks Alex will be able to go back to work. Oh, honey. It’s obvious that Alex will never go back to work, that every day he manages to still be breathing is miracle enough. Claire gently tells Mary that there’s nothing to be done, which sends Mary into a panic. She’s pregnant, you see. PLOT TWIST. And both of the Randall brothers KNOW she’s pregnant. OH. Suddenly things are clicking into place. Outside, Randall begs Claire to not let her hatred of him interfere with helping his brother. (How hard do you think it was for him to ask that?) He begs for Claire to cure him and when she says that she can’t, he asks for her to ease his pain. “I do not ask for myself. I ask for my brother and Mary and their unborn child.” Help, I’m starting to see Blackjack Randall as a human being.

Claire is not so easily swayed by Randall’s distress though. She offers to care for Alex in exchange for information on the location and plans of the British Army. It is a STONE COLD move and not quite one I expected from her. Claire is not overtly cruel, I have a feeling that had Mary been the one to ask, she would have agreed right away. But she KNOWS that Alex is Blackjack’s weak point so she chooses to exploit it. Desperate times call for desperate measures, after all. “You would barter over an innocent man’s suffering? You surprise me, Madame Fraser.” “I am not the woman I once was, Captain Randall.” No. No, she isn’t. (It feels like Blackjack was almost GRATEFUL for Claire’s blatant manipulations? Like it established their equilibrium or something? Discuss.)


Jamie’s “WILL WE NEVER BE FREE OF THIS MAN?” reaction is merited but Claire stresses that this could be a good thing for them. Randall told Claire that the Red Coats are camped at Nairn, a mere 12 miles away, and that two nights from now they will be holding a celebration for their general’s birthday. It’s a perfect distraction that could allow the Jacobites a sneak attack if Jamie can convince Charles. Claire says that she wants to tend to Alex, proving that she probably would have done it anyway. Jamie begrudgingly agrees once Claire says she’ll take Murtagh with her as protection. Before they can discuss it any further, they learn that Colum MacKenzie has arrived at the camp. EVERYONE IS COMING INTO TOWN FOR THE END OF THE SEASON.

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Fan Video Friday – “I’ll Make a Man Out of You”

Posted by Kim and Sage

Welcome to Fan Vid Friday, our weekly present to you to keep you entertained during those last hours in the office before your summer weekend. Last week, I pondered in our Avengers Post as to whether or not we could fill an entire post with videos to Mulan‘s “I’ll Make a Man Out of You”. Whoops, we doggone gone and done it. This song is perfect for any sort of sprawling ensemble epic, as you will soon see. And let’s be real, who DOESN’T love the gusto with which Donny Osmond sings this? If you don’t finish this post ready to take on the Huns (what ever the Huns may be to you), then you did it wrong.

The Disney Men

Sage: Yassss, starting off TOO strong. Disney princesses get a lot of love, and rightfully so. But let’s give it up one time for all those Disney leading men who ruined for real boys. Real boys who never ONCE started singing me a love duet of which I intuitively knew the other part.

Kim: Aladdin, ruining my life since 1992. What can I say? I’m a sucker for those diamonds in the rough. Also there’s not NEARLY enough Prince Eric in this video. And finally, I have a new appreciation for Shang’s collarbones and it’s just really confusing being attracted to animated characters, okay?


Sage: Well, there’s no shortage of footage of Sherlock yelling at people, so that’s good. Also, since Molly is playing Mulan and Sherlock is Shang, this video is also honorary Sherlolly.

Kim: I love how this video is basically Sherlock telling everyone to GET ON HIS LEVEL. Also got to love the on the nose comparison of the Huns to the villains from “The Blind Banker”. (Undoubtedly the weakest episode of the series, yes? Yes.)

Star Trek

Sage: “Tranquil as a forest” = Spock. “But on fire within.” = Kirk. What makes this song so adaptable for fan videos is that the definition of masculinity (or heroism in general) is really the dealer’s choice. And the crew of the U.S.S. Enterprise have all those bases covered, from intellect to brute strength to selfless leadership.

Kim: I love the use of Captain Pike in this video. He really was the shepherd of this crew of misfits as they grew towards becoming a united crew. What made Star Trek work SO WELL was that it was essentially a coming of age story for characters that we already knew. It was familiar but different all at the same time. The casting is spot on, with Chris Pine’s rogueish charm and Zach Quinto’s even-keeled intensity leading the way. I am SO READY for Star Trek: Beyond even if that is a dumb name.

PS I am still so hot for Karl Urban after AwesomeCon.

X-Men: First Class

Sage: Okay, the layers in this, because Charles wants his students to embrace their powers but also cherish their humanity. Be a MAN.

Kim: I don’t know if I will EVER be over the Cherik scene where Erik moves the satellite dish and they both CRY. This video COULD have used more Fassy, TBH. He’s so perfect, especially in First Class.

The Lord of the Rings

Sage: I’m honestly surprised some Kiwi producer hasn’t tried to peddle a LOTR musical over here. 10/10 WOULD SEE.

Kim: There was some sort of ridiculous LOTR musical in Canada and London in 2006 (thanks Wikipedia) but it never came to America because it was three and a half hours long and had a cast of 65. ANYWAY. I’m emotional over this video. I love these movies, I love the cast, I love the characters and their relationships, I LOVE IT. It is a MASTERPIECE and I need to watch it RIGHT NOW.

Also PERFECT use of Eowyn’s arc in this vid. SHE IS NO MAN.

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