Rose Petals: A Newbie and a Veteran Watch The Bachelorette, Week 5

Posted by Kim and Maggie

Maggie: First things first, we’ve seen Derek’s twitter cover photo and he might be the Liam of the house, you guys.
Kim: I found myself being completely charmed by Derek’s social media WHICH CONFUSED ME. THIS IS ALL SAGE’S FAULT. And yes, I feel like Liam would appreciate the cover photo.

Maggie: Okay, I have wine, let’s gooooooooo.
Kim: I don’t have wine but I have an adrenaline rush from an Indigo Girls concert in the rain, so I am ready.

Maggie: In Buenos Aires and JoJo grabs a Starbucks. JoJo is me.
Kim: LISTEN. I am super disappointed that they didn’t orchestrate a massive song and dance number for JoJo’s arrival a la Evita. “HELLO, BUENOS AIRES! Get this, just look at me dressed up, somewhere to go…we’ll put on a show!” IT’S ALL RIGHT THERE SHE EVEN SAYS THEY ARE GONNA PUT ON A SHOW. (Also, I hope you’re ready for all the Evita references, cause they are coming.)

Maggie: IS SHE COUNTING ROBBY AS ONE OF THE LAST TWO GUYS WHO SAID I LOVE YOU?
Kim: I think she’s counting Ben and Tabloid Chad as the last two guys.
Maggie: THAT’S NOT GOOD FOR ROBBY.
Kim: Yeah basically it’s like his “I love you” isn’t even on her radar. ALSO was there not enough good stuff in this episode that we had to have our fake as fuck mini-therapy session with Chris? Or are we fulfilling a contractual obligation? All I am saying is there are two guys who get ZERO camera time during the group date because of this.
Maggie: Alex doesn’t even MATTER till 9:45 but we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

Maggie: Luke’s wardrobe is REALLY playing up the war veteran angle, am I just really noticing now that I don’t like him??
Kim: *chinhands*
Maggie: Honestly the travel and luxury accommodations and finding a mean girl clique with a few other contestants are the real reasons to do this show.
Kim: Seriously. It’s like…if I did this show, I would want to go to RIGHT before the hometowns because you get some free trips to exotic destinations AND you don’t have to bring your family into this shit show AND you don’t have to deal with the fantasy suite AND you likely get an invite to do Bachelor in Paradise which is ANOTHER free vacay. It’s a win-win situation.

Kim: Wells FINALLY gets a one on one. The date card is…blatant in its demands (KISS ME YOU DUMMY or something like that) and of COURSE all the guys pounce on it. They ALWAYS need someone to pick on.
Maggie: Didn’t Kelsey just ask this last week? Wells is the only guy who hasn’t kissed JoJo.
Kim: On one hand, I have respect for Wells wanting to play the long game/play it like it’s real life but on the other hand, you are on The Bachelorette, you weenie, PUCKER UP.

Maggie: “Are you guys gonna kiss today?” SHUT UP LUKE. (Man, when I turn on someone, I really commit.)
Kim: I am LIVING for JoJo’s response when all the guys are sitting there talking about the giant elephant in the room. “That’s funny, isn’t it?” I think half the guys in the room missed how that comment was DRIPPING with sarcasm. Like EVERYONE MIND YOUR OWN BEESWAX AND FOCUS ON YOUR OWN RELATIONSHIP.
Maggie: I think I was too busy typing SHUT UP LUKE to take in her response.
Kim: TEAMWORK.
Maggie: Ew, James Taylor knows more about kissing than you, Wells. Come on.

Maggie: No offense, art, but this date is my nightmare.
Kim: True story, I’ve seen Fuerza Bruta. They have a residency in NYC and a friend scored me free tickets. It was pretty wild and I highly recommend going after a few margaritas. Also, this show is a WHORE for reality TV promo as Top Model did a photoshoot with that pool. (Also that’s the second time I’ve referenced Top Model in these posts. Hmmmm.)
Maggie: I have no memory of that. Sorry, I am a bad fan.
Kim: It’s okay, you know I am a freak.
Maggie: I am used to being the freak!

Wanna be on top?

Maggie: HOW IS ANY OF THIS CONDUCIVE TO KISSING THIS ISN’T HIS FAULT.
Kim: OH MY GOD WHEN HE MOVES IN TO GO FOR IT BUT GETS THE CHEEK AND THEN THEY HAVE AN AWKWARD HIGH FIVE I LITERALLY WANT TO DIE.
Maggie: Is it possible to cringe so hard that you actually die?
Kim: I don’t know but this date is sure trying to test that theory.

Maggie: Oh wait that was the mean girl clique members discussing whether or not they’d see Wells again, right? Alex, Chase, Robby, Jordan? Sorry about the intervention, Derek.
Kim: Honestly the mean girl clique is my favorite thing to come out of this season. Also where IS Derek? Do you think that they told Derek and James Taylor that they couldn’t sit with them?

Maggie: I don’t even like Wells and I’m so embarrassed for him. This kissing stuff is all so middle school.
Kim: And here’s the deal. JoJo is a strong and independent woman. At this point, if she wanted to kiss Wells, she would have taken matters into her own hands. But she DOESN’T really want to kiss him and so we’re left with this awkward mating ritual cause she’s not going to TURN DOWN some kissing so just put us ALL out of our misery, okay?

Maggie: “The journey just started for me!” Okay so Wells is going home tonight.
Kim: *Insert OH HONEY gif here*

Kim: Plot Twist! The two-on-one date is Derek and CHASE. Has Chase SAID anything in the past 2 episodes?
Maggie: “May the best connection continue.” DEREK MAKES ME VOMIT YOU GUYS.
Kim: He just KEEPS revealing himself to be an Uber-Nerd but he’s probably an Uber-Nerd in the way that Gate-Keeping Classic Doctor Who Fans are.
Maggie: YES! Not like an adorable Uber-Nerd that you would root for.
Kim: Like Liam. AND WE’VE COME FULL CIRCLE.
Maggie: Part of me thought it would be Alex v. Derek, like Alex knocks out the dude he hates again but it’s good for Chase to have some screen time before he leaves.
Kim: I would have DIED if they had put the Smol through another 2 on 1 date.
Maggie: Okay, DEREK, I can’t hate on the clique because Alex touched Chase’s arm in sympathy when the names were read. Bros.

Kim: Back to the awkward date. JoJo is NOT feeling him. Wells gets the sweats when she starts asking about his last relationship. Or maybe because there’s no central air. But that didn’t seem to be bothering him BEFORE. Anyway. He’s doomed.
Maggie: Yeah, you can’t keep Wells because you feel bad for him and that’s kind of what it would be like.
Kim: I’ve said it before: Wells seems like a perfectly nice young man but he’s not for JoJo and she KNOWS it (She clearly goes for obvious confidence and Wells just doesn’t have that). So she turns on the crocodile tears and sends him home to his acapella group.

Maggie: I am living for all the guys going NOOOOOOOOOOOOO when they realize Wells is gone.
Kim: I am living for ANYTHING the clique does.

Maggie: She left the haunted AC-less mansion to go watch more art alone? Jojo is not me.
Kim: Was this supposed to be the rest of their date had she given him the rose? I am LIVING for her crying in the fake rain. If you don’t think I immediately went to the Tenth Doctor crying in the rain gif, then you don’t know me at ALL.

Kim:  As we head into the group date, I can’t help but wonder what stroke Robby swam in his “competitive” career. I don’t care ENOUGH to try to look it up though. He just doesn’t look like a swimmer to me. And I should know because I’ve been watching the swim trials all week.

Maggie: “Just look at these guys, they’re perfec!t” is the most I’ve ever liked James Taylor.
Kim: My notes for this whole section just say “I bet Maggie is DYING” over James Taylor’s insecurity regarding Jordan and Luke.
Maggie: Okay but shut up, James Taylor, if they smell insecurity on you, they’ll target you after Derek goes home (hopefully sooooooooon).
Kim: The Smol can SMELL insecurity, it’s only a matter of time.

Maggie: James Taylor and I really on the same page tonight, neither of us think he’s sexy.
Kim: The whole “Hi! Am I here?” thing was really pathetic.

Maggie: No, James Taylor, but the thing about Luke is Jojo is attracted to him but there’s nothing else there, it’s like what Ali warned her against in the first episode.
Kim: Seriously JoJo is BLINDED by her lust for Luke. Their WHOLE conversation was her flipping and twirling her hair and her whole face was like “SHUT UP AND KISS ME” and she was clearly half listening to him blathering on but was really just like “CAN WE MAKE OUT”. I’m honestly surprised she didn’t mount him before Luke got the message that he should just STFU.

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“Dear Miss Ives.” – Penny Dreadful Recap – Perpetual Night & The Blessed Dark

ethanessa

Penny Dreadful Season 3, Episodes 8 & 9
“Perpetual Night” & “The Blessed Dark”
Posted by Sage

I would like to go on record here today as being very anti the sneak attack series finale. I can see how it’s tempting to avoid the fan expectations a finale usually dredges up and to preserve the emotional wallop of a decisive final note. But last Sunday evening, the confusion and frustration of the Dreadfuls on my timeline blended together to form one giant question mark. The next day, Showtime and series creator John Logan confirmed that – like Vanessa Ives – Penny Dreadful was no more. So here’s the series finale recap that I never expected to be writing so soon.

We learn several minutes into the episode that weeks have gone by since Vanessa yielded herself to Dracula. Ethan, Malcolm, and Kaetenay dock in a London that’s blanketed in a grim fog, hilariously indistinguishable to Ethan as anything different from Britain’s usual gloom and doom. But there are other details that support Kaetenay’s vision of Vanessa and humanity’s fall, like the increased population of “night creatures” (toads, rats, and bats, oh my!), who seem to have full run of the city. The streets are basically empty of humans. The crush of life that disturbed Vanessa in the premiere is gone – some asphyxiated by the fog; some hanging in Dracula’s people-meat locker; and some hiding away in their homes, praying for the “perpetual night” of the title to pass. Vanessa’s friends, new and old, are the only non-vampires who know that she is the key to all of this. And they’re all finally together in one room. Put on something black and sexy, and let’s go save the world.

penny dreadful

I’m going to back up for a minute. Because in order for the team to be fully staffed, one of its members first has to pull his head out of his ass. I don’t know if Victor deserves the redemption this finale affords him (actually I do know, and he definitely doesn’t) and he isn’t even all that apologetic about abducting his “love” Lily and chaining her like an animal. I’m also calling foul on the show’s timeline here. According to Cat, it’s been weeks since the end of days process began, but over at Bedlam it seems like no time has gone by at all since Lily’s abduction. Though I suppose the captivity felt like forever to her. As Dorian says to Justine, these women are lucky to have even tasted freedom. This world isn’t a welcoming place for girls who refuse to submit. (“In my time, I have seen a thousand Lilys. Beating their breasts and burning too bright and too wild.”)

I suppose that’s one of my problems with this finale. Lily’s freedom hinges not on Victor coming to respect her agency, but on HER making HIM feel things. Don’t get me wrong: it’s a hell of a scene. Henry, who has become a progressively bigger, limper dick throughout this season, prompts Victor to just stick a syringe in Lily and get it over with. Lily, who knows precisely how to cut down every man she meets, congratulates Victor on finding himself such a skilled “assistant.” Aware that Henry is only going to be a hindrance, Lily banishes him from the room. (Lily: “Then may I have a moment alone with my doctor?” Me: Oh god, someone write the AU.)  And then Billie Piper, ex-teen pop star, acts her ASS off for about five straight minutes:

You don’t know. You don’t know. There are some wounds that can never heal. There are scars that make us who we are. But without them, we don’t exist. I had…you see, a daughter. Love is too small a word for what I felt for my little girl. All words fail. Holding her was like…feeling the sun from both sides. We lived in this room, in Spitalfields. A hovel. I still had to whore or there’d be no food. I’d lay her by the fire, pile the coal up high. It broke my heart to go. One night it was so cold…even the whores weren’t out. Can you imagine? She was crying when I left. They weren’t cries of teething. They were cries of loneliness. I cannot forget them. I found a john. This rough bastard, just…crushing me against the bricks. But I didn’t care. I wanted it over. When he was done, he didn’t want to pay. He struck me. And I’d been hit before. But him, he knew how to aim.  I felt this sting across my temple. I saw the world fall on its side. I can see myself lying there in the street.  Too weak to get up, not weak enough to die. Why didn’t I just get up? That was all I had to do. Just get up! Get fucking up! It was light when I woke. It had snowed. The whole world was white. I ran home. The fire was…the coal was dust. She was cold when I lifted her. Cold as ice.

"She died alone...her name was Sarah."

“She died alone…her name was Sarah.”

It was clear throughout the season that Lily held out some faith in Victor, despite what he wanted to do to her. He was not an intentionally cruel person; his brutality came from ignorance. That faith was not misplaced, but it did require Victor to see Lily as a mother, not just a human being. Which, ugh. “It is too easy being monsters,” Victor says before he unlocks her shackles. “Let us try to be human.” What the fuck ever, dude. Speak for yourself. I did particularly appreciate one of Harry Treadaway’s acting choices in this scene, though. Once Lily is free, she leans over and grasps his neck but then softens and kisses Victor on the cheek. Victor’s left hand stutters up, as if he wants to touch her but has thought better of it. She is not his, even if he wishes it. Maybe he HAS learned something, after all.

dorian lilydorian lily 2
Lily hightails it out of there. Before her story comes to an open-ended conclusion, she proves just how human she is. She arrives back at Dorian’s house to find that he’s banished “her” women and killed Justine at her own request. (“I would rather die here on my feet than live a lifetime on my knees.”) He tries to impart his cynical wisdom to Lily, and it’s intended as a kindness. “Passion will undo the best of us and lead only to tragedy,” Dorian says, somehow forgetting that it was him who brought Lily’s empire crashing down, not time. “It’s ever thus for those who care so deeply.” Lily isn’t so convinced: “Better not to care at all, Dorian?” She’s still in her first lifetime, essentially. One of those idealistic immortals, who hasn’t given up completely on humans yet. Dorian probably recognizes some young version of himself. He talks of Lily watching everyone she knows age and die, and it’s all very “curse of the Time Lords.” But Dorian doesn’t account for their differences, or for choice. Lily CHOOSES to have her heart broken, again and again if necessary, if that means that she can be whole. (“Why no emotions?” “Because it hurts.”) Lily walks out on Dorian to begin a new life, who knows where. There should be a million more stories about her.

sir malcolm sir malcolm 2
What a lost opportunity, that Lily and Vanessa never met. And another still that Ethan never knew what became of Brona. That’s why this finale felt so disjointed to me. The two main storylines of the season were kept so separate, even until the bitter end. And VICTOR, the least worthy of them all, got to fight for humanity and mourn Vanessa while Lily disappeared from view. At least some sort of Victorian Scooby gang formed quickly at Sir Malcolm’s home. Introductions to Cat are made after she saves Ethan and Malcolm from the vampires who’d taken up residence there. (Confirmed: Perdita Weeks has chemistry with EVERYONE, and Catriona Hardegan needs her own Buffy-esque series.) And Dr. Seward, now a firm believer short one secretary, shows up soon after. (“You must be Sir Malcolm Murray. You…I don’t know.” PATTI.) Ethan disregards Cat’s warning about the fog and heads out to retrieve Victor. IDK why. He’s better with the dead than he is the living. But I suppose it’s all hands on deck.

Of course, Victor isn’t at his own lab. But the Boy Familiar is waiting in the shadows to take Ethan to him. The vampire walks the Wolf Of God through Chinatown. Bodies are strewn everywhere, and the night creatures have taken hold. Dracula appears to give Ethan the new boyfriend speech: “She is happy. If you truly love her, that ought to be enough for you.” It’s not. “I understand very little of the forces of my life,” Ethan replies. “Those things that have shaped me, and cursed me. But I know that my destiny is joined with hers. I will not stop.” Knowing Vanessa’s power and importance, Dracula doesn’t hold Ethan’s persistence against him: “I would feel the same. After all, without her, what do we have left, Ethan?”

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“I lay my vengeance at your feet.” – Outlander Recap – Vengeance is Mine

Outlander Season 2, Episode 11
“Vengeance is Mine” 

Posted by Kim

“This show is SAVAGE.” – a text from Sage upon finishing “Vengeance is Mine”. INDEED IT IS.

Given that this episode was written by Diana Gabaldon (her first time writing for the series), Outlander was at its Outlanderiest (yes, that’s a word because I say it is) with “Vengeance is Mine”. We got more politcial intrigue, swoony Jamie, Claire sacrificing herself for the greater good, a whole lot of answers about shit that went down in Paris, and OH YEAH the beheading of the Duke of Sandringham. WHAT. I knew we were in for it when the “previously on” segment at the top of the episode brought back Hugh Munro, Mary’s rape, Murtagh’s vow of vengeance, AND the ongoing movement of the Jacobite rebellion. It’s a LOT for one episode and yet the execution was so perfect that it never felt like it was too much. The pace of the episode was breathless yet it never felt like it was spinning out of control. (Sage wisely compared the episode to Breaking Bad‘s “Ozymandias” and I HAVE to agree. It’s like the show went from 0 to 100 in one episode but Outlander had been dying to just SPRINT and we just didn’t know it and then the starting gun went off and the show was like WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE THIS IS WHAT WE’VE BEEN WAITING FOR.) All the pieces are in place and there is nothing left to do but hurtle towards the finale (me when they said they were going back to Inverness: HOE DON’T DO IT). The best we can do is just hold on and trust that the show will get us there. Let’s do this.

We pick up months after Prestonpans and the Jacobite army has made it all the way to Manchester. (MONTHS? Is Claire pregnant and doesn’t know it yet? SOMEONE EXPLAIN THIS TIMELINE.) London is a mere 5 days march away but there are three armies standing between the Jacobites and their goal. So what comes next? You guessed it! A whole lotta arguing about what to do whilst the Prince looks on with his God-crazed eyes. Once again the massive generational gap in the Prince’s advisory board rears its ugly head: all the old guys are like “We can’t risk facing those armies” while Jamie urges that now is not the time to back down. The general is all “You’ve shown smarts before, youth, but remember your place.” Jamie shoots back that the chances of them meeting all three armies are slim and if they are smart, they may be able to get past them altogether. The old guys aren’t moved. They are too afraid that one confrontation will wipe out their entire brigade and they aren’t willing to take risks. They’d rather bury their heads in the sand and give up everything they’ve won rather than chance it. (275 years later, these guys’ descendants are going to vote LEAVE with Brexit, I guarantee it.) Jamie AKA Captain Scotland stands his ground and refuses to be cowed into this decision. “That war brings risk should come at no surprise. But if we turn back now, all hope that currently resides in the hearts of our supporters will be filled with doubt and fear.” Preach, Jamie, PREACH.

Charles again plays the Divine Purpose card. “This precious chance of victory, if we spurn His divine gift, there is no guarantee that it will be offered again. So is there no one among you still willing to stand by your prince, your rightful king, and your God?” One person draws their sword and pledges to stand with the prince. GUESS WHO? Yep. Jamie is the ONLY one and eventually he storms out of the meeting, furious. The army is turning around…and even though they don’t know it, they are heading to a certain doom. Claire comforts Jamie saying that even if they had made it to London, there was no guarantee that they would hold it. “But if we had marched on London, then things would be different to what you said happened in your history books. It would mean that just maybe history could be changed, but now…” Destiny is one determined bitch, y’all. Jamie and Claire have been thwarted in every attempt to change its course. Now all they can do is try to protect the ones that matter most. When his men approach him about turning back, Jamie swears that he will see all of them safe back to Lallybroch. “And you, Sassenach, I’ll see you safe, no matter what happens.” STOP INFERRING TO GETTING CLAIRE BACK THROUGH THE STONES I CAN’T DEAL.

The horrible thing about all of this is that Jamie is constantly aware of the promise he made Claire make back in Paris. It’s like he’s just WAITING for that moment to come and every day he’s grateful that he’s had one more day with her. I want to die. That night, Jamie watches Claire sleep and prays over her in Gaelic. “God, shield my beloved, my white dove. And the child that she may one day bear. Preserve her from violence, and from harm. In this place and every place. On this night and on every night.” He does this shirtless because the show never misses an opportunity to remind the audience that Sam Heughan is carved out of marble. Honestly. Let me live in peace. When Claire stirs and asks Jamie what he was saying, he brushes it off. “There’s no’ much I can say waking without it sounding daft and foolish, Sassenach. I can say things while you sleep. Your dreams will ken the truth of them.” (That’s almost a direct quote from Dragonfly in Amber, Diana is no fool when it comes to keeping in her most swoon-worthy stuff.) Jamie’s never been one to mince words when it comes to his affection for Claire, so I really think he’s trying to protect her from how scared he is of losing her by not telling her the whole truth here. I also think Claire probably hears this prayer in her dreams after she goes back through the stones. I know, I know. I ground MYSELF for saying that.

Look how the camera lovingly pans down his chest. STOP.

The next morning, Jamie finds out just what happens to the noisy person who wants to stay in the EU who questions the judgement of the good ole boy generals. Jamie, Dougal, and their men are ordered to proceed to Inverness ahead of the army. (NOT INVERNESS NO.) The generals, being very aware of the influence Jamie has over the Prince, decided that the only thing they can do is get rid of him so they came up with a means of doing so under the guise of him “preparing the way for the army”. It’s a sham and they all know it. Jamie can’t even argue the orders to the Prince because he was taken away at dawn. To add insult to injury, the Prince even took Jamie’s horse because “he knew he wouldn’t mind”. Thanks for nothing, Charles.

Of course, not too long after Jamie and his men settle in a camp on their way to Inverness, they find themselves being fired on by Redcoats. It’s all VERY season one as they scatter to the wind trying to evade them. (I also love how the FIRST thing Claire does is shield Fergus, she’s such a mom.) Rupert takes a bullet TO THE EYE and somehow manages to not die immediately though he’s dangling from his horse. Dougal goes all “NOT MY DAUGHTER YOU BITCH” as he refuses to lose another of his kinsmen and literally jumps onto Rupert’s horse with him, pulling Rupert up with a “I’m with ye, lad. I’m with ye.” The one advantage Jamie and company have over the Redcoats is that they are essentially on home turf now. They manage to evade them long enough to take refuge at a chapel (me: SANCTUARY!!!) so Claire can tend to Rupert’s wounds. It’s in this moment that I missed Angus so much it hurts cause you KNOW he would have made a Fred and George Weasley style joke about Rupert’s new eyepatch. (“I’m holey.” “Save your strength.”) I would tell you more about Claire digging in Rupert’s eye socket to remove the bullet but I was too busy screaming.

Eventually, the Redcoats find the church and they order Jamie to surrender or they will burn the church to the ground. They are TRULY trapped with no option to fight back. Jamie immediately goes into hero mode, offering to sacrifice himself in exchange for freedom for Claire and the rest of his men. Dougal and the men know that Jamie would really just be surrendering himself to be killed so they argue that they should all just take their chances and fight. Forever the quick thinker, Claire starts screaming that she’s a British Subject and their prisoner. Jamie’s all DA FUQ U DOIN but Claire’s reasoning is solid. She’s been a bargaining chip before, the Redcoats clearly get off on the whole damsel in distress bit, so why NOT use her instead? It’s highly unlikely that the soldiers will hurt her, Dougal reasons. (Excuse you, sir, allow me to queue up all the episodes where Redcoats attempted to do just that. I’ll wait here while you watch them.) They’ll escort her to somewhere safe and then let her go. Sounds like a plan.

Jamie digs his heels in (“I will not give you up!”) and Claire snaps and it’s GLORIOUS. “Am I not Lady Broch Tuarach? Are these men not my responsibility too?” Remember when Claire was so desperate to get away with the Redcoats so she could get back to the stones. Yeah, me too. Look how far we’ve come. Claire knows it’s of the utmost importance that Jamie stay alive for his clan. These are Claire’s people too now. She feels the same loyalty and responsibility that her husband does. What I love about Claire is that she refuses to be a passive observer in this story. It would have been so easy for her to sit back and watch history unfold before her eyes, but she’s in this too deep now. These are her people and she’s going to do what it takes to save them.

Dougal strikes a deal with the Redcoats: Claire, their weapons, and their horses in exchange for letting the rest of them go. He says that “Mistress Beauchamp” is a widow whose been under their protection (again, are we in Season One?) and while the Redcoat scoffs at the idea of Highlander protection, he agrees to the terms. Fergus suggests that Claire faints as so that they don’t question her right away. Dougal says they’ll likely take her to Hazelmere, the nearest British outpost, and leave her there, as they won’t want to be weighed down with her presence longer than they need to. They will make their way to get her back there. While Jamie makes the move to take her out there himself, Dougal warns that the whole thing will probably go to shit if they realize they have actually cornered Red Jamie, so it’s time to say goodbye. “We will find each other,” Claire promises her husband. “Trust in that.” Her faith in him and in their love is unshakable. She knows Jamie will move heaven and earth (and time????) to get her back and that’s ALL she needs to know.

The exchange goes off without a hitch (save for Dougal getting one last dig in about being a loyal subject once the true King is back on the throne. Claire does her best “OH I AM SO RELIEVED” once she “comes to and realizes she’s no longer with the terrible Highlanders” and the Redcoats totally buy it. Meanwhile, Jamie orders Murtagh and Dougal to head north with the men. Both Murtagh and Dougal are like “You can’t do this alone and you’re not the boss of me, so we’re coming deal with it”. BROS TILL THE END. After a brief round of “who is REALLY Jamie’s best friend?” they agree that Murtagh will go with Jamie and Dougal will lead the men. “Bring our lass back safe,” Dougal orders.

I love to watch your hair blowing in the breeze.

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Fan Video Friday – Avengers Edition

avengers cast

Posted by Sage & Kim

I hope you danced in a field in a flower crown to celebrate the summer solstice this week. And since the summer is officially upon us, Fan Vid Friday is BACK IN SESSION. *confetti drop*

Civil War put us back in a very Aveng-y state of mind, so we’re kicking off this round of FVFs with a tribute to Marvel’s chiseled and flawed heroes. Superpowers and super-training aside, these dopes are relatable. Check all of the following Avenger traits that apply to you: emotionally stupid; up on their high horse; hasn’t had a date in years; inability to express feelings; too excited about coffee; comes on too strong when meeting new friends; hides secret wife and children in the unidentified “country”…you get the picture.

We lovingly curated these 14 fan-created videos for you, with much gratitude and respect to the talented editors who made them. Enjoy!

-Sage

Steve & Bucky – “Hallelujah”

Kim: What the actual damn hell is this? I object. Get out of my face. I can’t handle the Stucky angst for the FIRST VIDEO OF THE POST, SAGE.

Sage: Go hard or go home, Kim. Anyway, how could I resist starting off with this one? It even has that scene from Civil War when Steve uses his BARE HANDS to prevent his beloved’s helicopter from taking off. And if that happens to show off his glistening biceps to great effect, so be it.

Tony Stark – “99 Problems”

Kim: Is there a more perfect song for Tony Stark? Methinks not. Also, I don’t know if I will EVER get over how perfect RDJ is in this role? I hope Marvel thanks Jon Favreau everyday for FIGHTING for him. Seriously. I hope they send him fresh flowers every single day.

Sage: Ditto, Kim. I can’t imagine anyone else embodying Tony Stark the way that Robert does. 50% of the time, I’m not sure he’s even acting. Anyway, we have this cocky m-fer to thank for making this whole franchise even possible, so it’s no wonder Tony leads with his ego.

Avengers – “I’ll Make a Man Out of You”

Kim: Perfect song is always perfect. Seriously. I never get sick of this song. I reckon we could do an entire post with “I’ll Make a Man Out of You” videos and it would be a DAMN DELIGHT.

Sage: I just love the idea of Nick Fury singing inspirational Disney songs over a training montage, okay?

Natasha Romanoff – “Gasoline”

Kim: WHERE IN THE WORLD IS OUR BLACK WIDOW MOVIE?

Sage: This song is 100% Natasha Romanoff. When we finally get our Widow movie, Halsey should curate the whole soundtrack.

Sam & Steve – “Count Me In”

Kim: It’s called chemistry and Chris Evans/Steve Rogers has it with everyone. SHIP ALL THE SHIPS.

Sage: I am a Stucky shipper to the bone, but Sam and Steve are so damn precious. Am I supposed to just ignore the fact that they have an actual rom-com meeting in Winter Soldier and then proceed to banter and stare at each other through the rest of the movie? Cause I can’t, and I won’t.

Science Bros – “The Scientist”

Kim: Do you think Mark Ruffalo has this video bookmarked in his YouTube favorites?

Sage: Kim, sometimes I wonder if Mark Ruffalo invented the term “Science Bros.” He loves his lab partner so much.

Avengers – “Some Nights”

Kim: This song is actually quite perfect for the Avengers. The constant refrain of “What do I stand for?” basically captures the struggle of many of these characters. Also that 360 shot of all the Avengers with their weapons raised is SO ICONIC it never fails to give me goosebumps.

Sage: “This is it, boys, this is war. What are we waiting for? Why don’t we break the rules already?” This video is a perfect example of how the MCU has inspired so much love for its flawed heroes, unlike that other comic book studio that shall not be named. *coughDCcough*

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Rose Petals: A Newbie and a Veteran Watch The Bachelorette: Week 4

Posted by Kim, Maggie, and Kelsey

Previously on The Bachelorette, the house united in their hatred of Chian and then rejoiced when the Smol Marine triumphed over him in the 2-on-1 date. Chian stomped through the woods and then showed up at the house, raking his hands down the glass door like a serial killer. Previously on these recaps, Kelsey made the fatal mistake of comparing Evan to Headband Louis Tomlinson…a mistake we will never forgive her for. Let’s get right to it.

Maggie: I’m really interested to see an episode with Alex not getting to focus on Chian the whole time.What is he even going to talk about??
Kim: Seriously. Do we know ANYTHING about Alex other than the fact that he likes to fixate on others?

Maggie: Ohh I forgot about James Taylor’s face.
Kim: THIS SHOW HAS BEEN GONE FOR SO LONG, MAGGIE. Side note: How much do you think it’s going to drive him crazy from now until the end of time that he’s basically going to spend the rest of the season with that black eye from the football date?
Maggie: It was fading fast though, wasn’t it? But I don’t like looking at his face so I could be wrong.
Kim: It seemed pretty prominent to me for most of the episode. I bet he’s proud of it though. It’s like THIS IS HOW MUCH I LOVE JOJO.
Kelsey: James Taylor is so fucking cute. I don’t know how you guys don’t see it.
Maggie: His schtick is exhausting and makes me throw up in my mouth.

Maggie: A FUNERAL. MEN ARE SO DRAMATIC.
Kelsey: James T playing the music of their hearts. Oh my god, they’re spreading his protein ashes. Oh my god.
Kim: SCATTERING HIS PROTEIN POWDER AS IF IT WERE HIS ASHES. Food shaming Chian till the very end. Also protein powder is expensive, so this feels exceedingly petty. Like the brownie debacle on Top Model.
Maggie: SO PETTY. But also those poor boys have nothing to do to entertain themselves. Remember the Jojo jo jo jo jo jo jo jo jo song?
Kim: I wish I didn’t.

Maggie: Maybe Wells can stay if he’s going to keep saying things like “death to tyrants”.
Kim: You know that Wells has been waiting to say that IRL ever since he discovered Game of Thrones.

Maggie: I LOVE JORDAN.
Kelsey: Oh Jordan, trying to mediate. You delicate little flower. It’s not going to work.
Kim: I love how Jordan is trying to be all civilized with Chian whilst Evan is in the background demanding that Chian whip out his wallet and pay for the shirt he tore two episodes ago. LET IT GOOOOOOOOOOO. Unless that was like a $500 t-shirt.

Maggie: Never mind, Wells can’t stay if he’s going to say stuff like “you can have a choice of saying ‘whatever’.”
Kim: What even does that mean, Wells? WEENIE.

Maggie: Canadian vampire eating his cereal in the background and no one’s food shaming him.
Kelsey: Canadian vampire is soft, eating his Cheerios, letting the grim reaper into the house.
Kim: They only food shame when it comes to plain cold cuts and raw sweet potatoes, okay? They don’t shame carbs. They are like the opposite of Atkins dieters.

Maggie: I imagine this is Alex’s reaction every time he sees someone on the internet refer to him as smol Marine.
Kim: Accurate. (Also bless the fan that actually had the stones to call Louis a smol. HE’S 5’9″ OKAY?!) (No, he’s not.)
Maggie: The fan said “oh my god you are such a small bean” which just kill me that’s so cute.
Kim: The smollest of beans.

Maggie: You know I love me some sparkles but Jojo’s dress is tackyyyyy, right?
Kim: The cutouts are weirdly placed? And the way the sequins are going back and forth make it all look oddly scaly? Basically, you’re right.

Maggie: Chase is such a fakeout Jordan, GO AWAY GIVE ME JORDAN.
Kelsey: What are these things Chase brought? It just seems awkward.
Kim: Okay…but I DON’T UNDERSTAND THE GIANT BALLS? WHY? WHERE DID THEY COME FROM? WHY IS THAT HOW YOU CHOSE TO SPEND YOUR ONE ON ONE TIME? WAS THIS AN ODE TO MICHAEL SCOTT AND “BEACH GAMES”? ARE THE GIANT BALLS OFFERED AS A FUN ACTIVITY AT THIS RANDOM ASS RESORT IN PENNSYLVANIA AND THEY HAD TO ADVERTISE IT?  I JUST WANT TO KNOW.
Maggie: I couldn’t even acknowledge that was happening.
Kim: Like SHE IS IN A LONG SLINKY DRESS. How did they think this would be fun?

Maggie: Robby’s aesthetic is so SPECIFIC.
Kim: Serial Killer specific. He has a serious case of crazy eyes.
Kelsey: Robby. Every time I see your face I don’t remember you. He’s quite flamboyant I think. “Can I have a kiss?” “Thank you for your time.”
Maggie: Robby’s clothes don’t fit him well enough, he’s not gay.

Maggie: I’m surprised Evan didn’t stand on a chair shouting “DADDY MADE OUT WITH JOJO”.
Kim: I still can’t believe those are actual words that came out of his mouth. WHO SAYS SHIT LIKE THAT TO THEIR KIDS? Even it’s not directly TO them, the intent was there.
Kelsey: Evan quipping about “Has he kissed her?”HAS ANYONE NOT KISSED HER? But really… is anyone tracking that?

Maggie: NO NOT A POEM.
Kim: Who ACTUALLY writes poetry? NO ONE. I mean people THINK they do but you don’t ACTUALLY write poetry. Sorry all you would-be poets. There is NOTHING that makes me cringe more than an awkward love poem which is REALLY a Hail Mary pass for a rose, let’s be real. The ONLY one who got away with the love poems that didn’t make me want to die was Ryan of Trista and Ryan.
Maggie: Did you feel that way at the time or is it because they’ve lasted?
Kim: I felt that way at the time. I was ALL about the sensitive firefighter.
Maggie: Yeah, that ticks a lot of boxes for me, personally.

Maggie: Okay as cringe-y as I found that poem, Alex just got one on one time like let the man poetry okay?
Kelsey: Alex interrupting, ugh, you suck, I don’t like you.
Kim: A big pet peeve of mine is guys that HAVE roses trying to take away time from guys who haven’t gotten to spend much time with her. Like, slow your roll here, Smol, you’re already coming back next week.
Maggie: It’s not cool.
Kim: It’s not. STICK TO THE CODE OF HONOR. Smol should know something about that, being a Marine and all. Instead he’s all trying to assert his dominance over everyone because he’s smol. You know, I loathe to agree with Chian, but Chian is pretty on the money about him.
Maggie: He really is tiny. He’s like the same height as JoJo, I think she’s in heels? But she’s tiny.

Maggie: I love that they’re verbalizing that they need a common enemy.
Kim: THEY DO. All of the guys started turning on each other the MOMENT Chian was out of the house. It’s not pretty.

*Jordan pushes JoJo up against a wall and snogs the living daylights out of her*

Maggie:  SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT OKAY INTO IT THAT WAS HOT.
Kim: OH MY GOD SHOVING HER UP AGAINST THE WALL JORDAN. JESUS. I need to go change my clothes.
Maggie: SO FUCKING HOT.
Kim: I felt that in my lady parts. Also like…mad props for doing it with all the guys on the other side of the wall so they needed to be quiet. That’s like one of my favorite fan fic kinks.

Maggie: I’ve not been a fan of James F or Vinny but they seem pretty harmless tonight, am I going to feel things when they get sent home?
Kim: That depends on how moved you were by James F’s poem.
Maggie: I was unmoved.
Kim: Then you won’t feel a thing.
Kelsey: Oh Vinny is still here? LOL WHY.

Maggie: WHO EVEN IS DEREK? (JK I know who he is at this point I just don’t caaaaaaaaaaare)
Kelsey: Derek. I remember so little about you.
Kim: Literally the only thing I remember about him is that he is Faux-Jim Halpert.

Kelsey: And the roses go to…Robby (I think he comes out in ten years), Chase (Again, you’re just a less cute Jordan), Wells (shock of a lifetime), Grant (Delicate flower, so handsome and kind), Vinny (are you fucking serious?), James T (my man. GET YO SELF SOME)…One rose left. CMON JAMES F. I DON’T KNOW YOU BUT I LIKE YOU BETTER THAN EVAN OR DAMN DANIEL.
Maggie: But if Evan goes home now then he gets to blame the other guys for turning into mini Chians and not himself for being gross.
Kim: I think it’s EXACTLY why he’ll get a rose. He’ll go home in the NEXT ceremony but this ceremony is all about the weenies triumphing over Chian.
Maggie: “I feel like my heart is on blast” is that what he said?? What is that?
Kim: Is he from the 1950’s?

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“So it’s a love story, is it?” – Penny Dreadful Recap – Ebb Tide

too late

Penny Dreadful Season 3, Episode 7
“Ebb Tide”
Posted by Sage

We’re at a critical juncture here, people. Penny Dreadful ends its season (ALREADY? I know, y’all.) on Sunday with extra-long finale. And I’m a little stuck here in this penultimate episode, which lays out threads that could either be tied up satisfactorily or be botched so completely that it makes me rethink my whole relationship with this show. I have faith in PD the way Catriona has faith in Vanessa; I don’t think it’ll let me down now.

Let’s start with our fathomless leading lady. Vanessa gives herself to Dracula at the conclusion of this episode, this time with conscious awareness of who he really is. Meanwhile, Ethan, Kaetenay, and Sir Malcolm are speeding to her side as fast as their ship can carry them. Now, so far, Penny Dreadful has done a terrific job of subverting the traditional woman-in-peril storyline, and I hope that the finale is going to turn the concept of damsel-ing on its head yet again. But there’s no question that Vanessa’s soul is in danger at least, and that the only people who know her better than her dark prince are either dead or in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.

doomed doomed 2
If Ethan had said yes to Vanessa last season, would all that darkness really be gone? Would Dracula have given up on her? Would she never have been tempted by something that’s clearly inside her? Is she really that changeable? Does this all come down to Good Boyfriend/Bad Boyfriend? I can’t imagine that the character of Vanessa Ives could be so dependent on her choice of mate. (“You are the woman of all our dreams and all our night terrors.”) But Ethan seems to think so. And while I appreciate that he’s finally come around on that dumbass decision to leave her behind (“A woman offered me her heart. A woman I loved. And I walked away.”), I’m with Kaetenay here. Ethan has no idea what he’s about to come home to.

grace grace 2
At least his heart is back in the right place. Ethan’s hatred of his father occupied so much of it once that it kept him from fully living his life. Sir Malcolm’s strategic kill did the trick in that regard, like Ethan was trapped under some kind of enchantment before it was broken for him. Ethan understands the regard and the fatherly love that motivated that gesture, bless his early ’00s Josh Hartnett haircut. He calls it an “act of mercy.” All those other debts of his are left on the continent and in the past. “My people are in London now,” he tells Kaetenay. But is someone who literally just turned down being the devil’s right-hand-man strong enough to go against his brother? I’d say it helps that Ethan is also technically a night creature. And as Vanessa and Dracula’s romance proves, it takes one to know one.

Meanwhile, I’m not that mad at Dracula. As I guessed earlier in the season, the feelings and experiences he shared with Vanessa are real. Or at least he insists that they are. He’s honest-to-god in love with Vanessa, and legitimately fancies himself the savior of all the shunned and broken things. Dracula cherishes his night creatures like Dr. Sweet loves his pets. (Though Renfield might tell you he has a funny way of showing it.) His courting of Vanessa, in that way, was not an act.

There’s a terrific consent metaphor in this episode, and we see one instance of permission being asked and given and one of it being soundly denied. Vanessa comes to the museum to kill Dracula. Catriona (Cat, to her girlfriends) tells Vanessa that the dragon is essentially mortal while he’s in his human form. So she shows up armed. Yet, the second she decides to engage Dracula in conversation about his pursuit of her, I know she’s lost. (If you give the guy who wants to “rain pestilence” down on humanity a chance to explain his side of the story, your objectivity MIGHT be gone.) Dracula plays it so damn cool. He gives her space. He doesn’t try to overpower her. What he does do is play to her ego. And Vanessa may be very kind, but she does enjoy being praised. She betrays Mina again, not a minute after chiding Dracula for sucking the life out of her.

Dracula: How am I cruel? To love you?
Vanessa: You’ve lied to me from the first moment. You tore my heart.
Dracula: Have I lied? You met a man who marvels wide-eyed at the miracles of nature. So I am. You met a man who has known pain and tragedy. And so I am. You met a man who wanted to possess you for his own ends but, instead, he fell in love. That’s the man I am, and the monster.
Vanessa: Even now you twist at me. All the years. All the assaults on myself, on my friends. On my dear Mina, who died with your teeth on her throat! How dare you speak of love?
Dracula: Dare with me.
Vanessa: I will not lower my head and feed with the animals. I will never serve you.
Dracula: No, I don’t want you to serve me, Vanessa, I want to serve you. The Mother of Evil.

unloved unloved 2
I find it interesting that Dr. Seward diagnoses Vanessa as a split personality. It’s like the secular description of the war being waged over her soul. After two seasons of anguish and loneliness, Vanessa is tired of fighting it. She tells The Creature that they both deserve to be loved, however and wherever they find that acceptance. It stands right in front of Vanessa and prostrates itself; how can she resist? “Do you accept me?” he asks. Maybe it’s a love story for Dracula, but not for Vanessa yet. This is about survival and surrender. “I accept…myself.” No shade on that.

"Find me a bad man."

“Find me a bad man.”

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“On your way, soldier.” – Outlander Recap – Prestonpans

Outlander Season 2, Episode 10
“Prestonpans”

Posted by Kim

“I feared in my heart that history would not be rewritten. That no matter how many battles we might win, victory would remain forever out of reach. How many men had I seen killed in war? Far too many.” 

What’s been so masterful about this season of Outlander is the fact that we KNOW the ending and yet the show has never lost its sense of urgency or momentum. In fact, KNOWING that Claire is destined to go back through the stones has only added to the impending sense of doom as we have built towards the Jacobite Rebellion. We KNOW that they are going to lose. We KNOW that Claire is going to be separated from Jamie and we know that she’s going to go back to the future. We know and yet we still want to believe that things will end up differently. We know but try not to acknowledge that we are hurtling towards the inevitable end.

So here we are. The Battle of Prestonpans. This is it. Don’t get scared now.

The British and Scottish armies have both set up camp with only a marshy swath of land separating them. Bonny Prince Charlie and all his higher-ups meet and strategize and there’s a whole lot of male posturing as the various officers try to earn the favor of the prince. Honestly, it’s a whole bunch of talk that had my eyes glazing over, only catching words like “defensive” and “strike now”. Men and their war talk, amirite? What it boils down to is that no one knows just HOW muddy that marsh is and whether or not the infantry can march through it. Some of the advisors are like “Yo we should be careful,” some are like “FUCK IT LET’S JUST GO,” while The Prince is all “God will lead us to victory!!” (Can I just how PERFECT Andrew Gower has been as the Prince? He’s pompous yet incredibly shrewd BUT STILL always has the crazy eyes.) Thus, the army is left at an impasse until SOMEONE makes a decision.

Later, in a private conference with Jamie, the Prince starts to reveal his true colors…and it’s troubling. He inquires about the field hospital that Claire is setting up and tells Jamie that he needs to tell her that she should tend to the British wounded before the Jacobite wounded? Um? Excuse me? Jamie’s face says as much as the Prince continues to dig himself into that hole. “The British are my father’s subjects also, and I will have them well cared for. They must be made to realize the Scots wage war upon them with the greatest of reluctance. They are our enemies now, but one day soon they will be our friends again.” This is disturbing because it shows just how little the Scots who are FIGHTING FOR HIM matter in the long run. Jamie warns the Prince that he should not be so open with this among the other men because the Scots and Brits have never been friends and the chance of them becoming so are slim to none. He also says that Claire won’t follow such an order, even if it comes from her “lord and master”. HEY JAMIE THERE IS STILL TIME TO GET THAT BOAT TO AMERICA, JUST SAYING.

 

 

Jamie senses the mounting discontent in the camp regarding the lack of action, so he decides to do something about it. Jamie pulls Dougal aside and says that it would be easy for someone to ride out into the marsh to test its viability. The TRICK is to do it and stay out of the range that the British muskets can fire upon. Jamie can’t do it because god forbid one of the Prince’s most trusted advisors put his life at risk. Dougal picks up on what Jamie is selling. “Oh, aye, it’s a gamble, but it’s worth the risk. Besides, I’d like to prove my mettle to the prince and Lord Murray and the rest of these jackanapes.”

The next morning, Dougal proudly rides out on his own, in front of both his men and the British Army. (This reminds me of a movie and I can’t place it, so someone HELP ME.) sure enough, the land proves difficult for his horse to navigate. Dougal reaches the distance that he and Jamie agreed on and the British Army take target practice at him but are unable to hit him, much to the delight of the Scots. Point proven, Dougal makes to return to camp but his horse is stuck in the mud. Thus, I start having flashbacks to the Swamps of Sadness. (ARTAX NOOOOOOOOOOOO!) Dougal dismounts and struggles to free his horse all while the British continue to fire on him. One soldier manages to shoot Dougal’s HAT clean off his sparkling bald head (YO shit just got real). Finally, Artax manages to think a happy thought and frees himself from the mud and Dougal rides back to safety. His bold move manages to win favor with the Prince (“Mark me, if I had 100 men like you, this war would be over tomorrow.”) but it also confirms their suspicions. There will be no glorious charge from the Highlanders. So now what?

 

 

The solution comes via a young soldier who shows up at the field hospital as Claire is preparing the women of the camp for their upcoming duties. (Foreshadowing: Fergus is grumbling at being relegated to tending the fires, calling it women’s work. BABY DON’T DO IT.) It turns out the young soldier’s father owns the land and he knows that there is a hidden trail that will lead them around the marsh, allowing the Scots the means to launch a surprise attack. The trail is not marked but young Mr. Anderson assures Jamie and the Prince that it is there. “I’m no much for fighting but I’ll get ye from here to there without a misstep,” he assures. The Prince wants to check with his wishy-washy Quartermaster before agreeing, but Jamie urges that a delay could prove costly. This is their chance. Laurens, do not throw away your shot.

With the plan set, many of the men begin making “If I die in battle” pacts with their friends. It’s all very “Drink with Me” and I’m not okay. Angus tries to make one such pact with Rupert, willing him his sword and his whore Scarlett. Rupert is not having it though. He tries to play it off that Angus is offering him a bum deal (“What use would I have for a sword that’s never been used?”) but you can tell that it’s REALLY because he doesn’t accept any sort of outcome where a deal like this would be necessary. My heart hurts.

Meanwhile, Jamie and Murtagh have a heart to heart as Murtagh pensively sharpens his blade. This whole thing has a different weight for these two men as they ALSO have the burden of history weighing on their shoulders. This isn’t just an ordinary battle. This is the initial spark on a date with destiny that they’ve desperately been trying to avoid. “In a raid, every man has a part to play,” Murtagh muses. “You tell yerself that the raid’s success or failure is dependent on yer actions. And if ye’re forced to wound a man, kill him even, chances are…ye stare into his eyes when doing it. And if you were to be killed, ye’d die knowing that yer memory would live on within yer clan. Yer death would have meaning. But this…this is different. We’re but part of a 2,000 strong army. My death, your death, alone would be meaningless.” Jamie has no comfort to offer his friend because Murtagh speaks the truth. He almost lost his marriage trying to keep this from happening, after all. “I failed,” Jamie says. “WE,” Murtagh stresses, loyal to the damn end. “We failed.” BFF FOR LIFE PROTECT MURTAGH AT ALL COSTS.

“Drink with me to days gone by. Can it be you fear to die? Will the world remember you when you fall? Could it be your death means nothing at all? Is your life just one more lie?” 

 

 

Jamie urges Claire that she should get some sleep, but she knows that it’s a futile exercise. There will be no sleep for anyone this night, not when they are on the precipice of history. Fergus tries to convince Jamie that he would be worthy on the battlefield because he could sneak around undetected (“And little people know when little people fight! We may look easy pickings, but we’ve got some bite!” I NEED TO STOP) but Jamie stresses that he’s needed more at camp. “And what of our Lady Broch Tuarach, huh? There’s no one I trust with her safety more than you. Looks like you’re going to have to stay and like it. Is that understood?” Fergus agrees reluctantly but does not look convinced. HOE DON’T DO IT.

 

The time comes for Claire to say goodbye to all her men. Angus, shameless to the end and never one to give up on a bit, asks for a kiss. “Must I remind you, Mistress, at this time tomorrow I could be lying in a field bleeding to death?” NOT FUNNY. Rupert clings to his belief that they are all going to be okay and refuses to say goodbye to Claire. “When we meet again, it’ll be to embrace in victory.” And Murtagh. Murtagh, I think I’d miss you most of all. “Watch over Jamie.” “Always.” YOU NEED TO STOP. Murtagh looks to Claire for assurance that history is on their side here. (“History has its eeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyes on yoooooooooooooooou.”) “Yes, we will win this day,” she promises. Then she turns to Jamie. What can she say to him really? (“Stay alive. Stay aliiiiiiiiive.”) They embrace and she kisses him like she’s never going to see him again. “On your way, soldier.” I’m fine. Then Jamie fucking bows to her because he refuses to let me live in peace.

 

 

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Rose Petals: A Newbie and a Veteran Watch The Bachelorette: Week 3, Part 2

Posted by Kim and Kelsey

Welcome, Rose Lovers! As our resident Bachelorette newbie Maggie is on vacation (WE MISS YOU MARSHMALLOW!) this week, our friend and psuedo-Newbie Kelsey will be filling in for the thrilling conclusion of Monday’s episode! Previously on The Bachelorette, Evan got a rose and nobody knows why. Everyone hates Chian and Evan ran crying to Chris Harrison about it. Let’s get to it!

Kelsey: Chian’s apology. “We’ve settled things.”
Kim: AKA “I’m not at all sorry and I make good television, so the producers aren’t kicking me off the show just yet.


Kelsey: Of course Wells is the voice of reason. I forgot he was here.
Kim: That’s because he doesn’t have his a capella group with him. WEENIE.

Kelsey: I do think Chian’s a time bomb.
Kim: Oh, most definitely he is. Now it’s just a matter of whether or not the producers will push him to his breaking point for ratings.

Kelsey: Of course Chian greets her at the door.
Kim: Wow, it’s almost like one of the producers made sure that would happen.

Kelsey: I think every season there’s a week where they cancel the cocktail party and have a pool party instead. It’s always a shit show. Someone is always too drunk.
Kim: My favorite thing is how they always present the pool party as if it were a spontaneous decision instead of something meticulously planned.

Kelsey: Ok the guy cannonballs with a suit, but then keeps wearing the suit?
Kim: Barney Stinson would have a HEART ATTACK.

Kelsey: Of course the promos make it seem like Evan is bleeding from a fight.
Kim: How this franchise manipulates the viewers 101. JUST ONCE I would love for something that they TEASE to actually HAPPEN.

Kelsey: Whoa Jordan and JoJo moment. He’s totally going to at least hometowns.
Kim: No, my friend. This one’s going to the FINALS.

Kelsey: “I’m not sure Jordan is into me the way I’m into him” Okaaaaaaaay, JoJo. Get the fuck out.
Kim: She’s trying to manufacture SOME modicum of suspense with this relationship. Or she genuinely IS questioning it because she’s THAT into him.

Kelsey: I do enjoy how much more casual and laid back people are during the pool parties.
Kim: They are lulled into a more relaxed existence and forget they are on a reality show. That’s when the fireworks happen. Or should.

Kelsey: I’m glad JoJo is addressing Chian being so disrespectful during the group date. I do agree. But seriously, I don’t know what JoJo likes about Evan because he’s back to feeling like a weird uncle in my mind.
Kim: Look, the problem with Chian is that he has ZERO filter for his inner monologue. You can’t TELL ME that at LEAST half the guys on that group date felt the same thing about Evan getting the rose. But they all kept their mouths shut. And agreed, gotta love that JoJo is taking no shit from him.

Kelsey: Chian watching Jojo kiss Derek feeling fucking weird. It’s weird how he’s trying to listen in on EVERYONE’S conversation. Get out.
Kim: CREEPER.

Kelsey: Chad pulling Derek aside and it is fucking heated. I’m not even sure who Derek is, but I’m a bit scared he’s going to get the shit beat out of him.
Kim: I’ve been saying from the beginning that Derek has a bit of John Krasinski face. So imagine my delight when I was scrolling through the Twitter tag during the episode and saw people saying “JIM FROM THE OFFICE IS ABOUT TO GET HIS ASS KICKED.”

Kelsey: I actually have some respect for Derek coming out of that, but WHAT THE FUCK ON CHIAN CALLING DEREK OUT ON WATCHING THE SHOW?! Chian can’t watch it because he works? Like, I’m sorry, this doesn’t air Mondays at 10 AM. It’s not the Price is Right.
Kim: Excuse me, Kelsey, but TPIR airs at 11 AM. Let’s Make a Deal airs at 10 AM. I know this because I am unemployed.

Kelsey: Ben (Kelsey’s fella): “Chad’s tie is a going home tie. Skinny knot, wide collar. Bro, up your tie game.”
Kim: This interests me greatly. I am going to need a full-on analysis of everyone’s tie from now on, Ben.

Kelsey: ” Did you only bring one white shirt, Chad?” Ben disapproves of Chian’s look, to say the least.
Kim: Everything looks weird on him because he’s TOO LARGE.

Kelsey: Wait. Who is James F? I’ve never seen him before.
Kim: They need to keep James F around so they can refer to James Taylor as James Taylor for as long as possible. Without James F, James Taylor is just James and where is the fun in that.

Kelsey: Ben: “This dude (Robby) has his suit and tie game on.”
Kim: Too bad it’s highly likely that he’s a serial killer.

Kelsey: Oh Wells, you delicate flower.
Kim: WEENIE.

Kelsey: Yay sparkles on JoJo’s dress.
Kim: Maggie would approve. ALSO GRANT IS WEARING BRACES AND LOOKING FIIIIIIIINE THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

Kelsey: Aw Alex.
Kim: The Smol Marine lives to see another day!

Kelsey: Who is left at this point without a rose? Christian, Ali Eyebrows, Chian.
Kim: And Santa Nick. We all know how this is going to end and it’s not with Christian, Ali, or Nick.
Kelsey: Of fucking course.

Kelsey: Aw. Purest Christian. Goodbye.
Kim: Christian, we know you stalk these recaps. HIIIIIII PRECIOUS CINNAMON ROLL. Hope you keep reading.

Kelsey: I don’t get Evan’s navy suit on black shirt? No thanks.
Kim: He is the wooooooorst.

Kelsey: Wait. They came to Pennsylvania. What. Boring, ABC.
Kim: Not just Pennsylvania. PITTSBURGH. (Sorry, Sage.) Keep living large, Bachelor Nation.
Kelsey: I should have gone to hang out with them.
Kim: What a missed opportunity.

Kelsey: “I can’t wait for the day when Jojo sees the man Chad is” You mean when she sees his dick?
Kim: Hey-o.

Kelsey: I’m still mourning Christian. So pure.
Kim: LBR, he was too good for this nonsense. He’s better off. Until he joins Bachelor in Paradise. DON’T DO IT CHRISTIAN.

Kelsey: “My name’s the only one on the date card, that means I’m getting a one on one.” Such insight, Luke.
Kim: He smart.

Kelsey: “How hot do we want it?”
Kim: Eyeroll. LEARN BETTER ENTENDRE.

Kelsey: Also this is just like Ben and Lauren’s hot tub time in the middle of nowhere.
Kim: WHY IS THIS A THING?

Kelsey: “I want to see Luke take his shirt off, oh my god, he’s in impeccable shape” Wasn’t the pool party yesterday?
Kim: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Clearly she was too busy focusing on others? *coughJordancough*

Kelsey: Hot tub is too hot. Time to grab JoJo’s ass!
Kim: Also, I HATE her swimsuit.

Kelsey: Luke seems like a simple man. Maybe kind of dumb.
Kim: Oh my GOD, Kelsey, you’re making me do this. I have to.

Kelsey: Ben affirms that he’s stupid. “I’m happy that you’re hot and that I want to fuck you and I’m happy that I’m still here” (this was Ben pretending to be Luke)
Kim: I mean…where’s the lie?

Kelsey: “Season of life” Ew Luke no.
Kim: I swear to GOD, they give all the contestants a manual of phrases they have to say on camera.

Kelsey: The more I see of Luke the more unattractive I find him.
Kim: He’s kind of dead behind the eyes? IDK there’s something missing with him. He’s kind of lifeless.

Kelsey: Ew ew stop with the strawberries JoJo. Ew. I can’t watch.
Kim: There is only one person who is allowed to eat fruit seductively.

Kelsey: “I think she’s saving me for last.” Weird positivity from Chad.
Kim: His over-inflated sense of self ASTOUNDS me.

Kelsey: Love the Chad/Bear mashup. THEN HE SAYS CHAD BEAR.
Kim: The sad/hilarious thing is I don’t think he was fed that line.

Kelsey: Whoa Alex did you just hate on Wells? Who could have a problem with Wells?
Kim: I mean he IS the geeky choir kid and Alex is the smol but beefy ROTC kid so…

Kelsey: Grant, you delicate flower.
Kim: I’m still not over the braces. BRING THEM BACK. WEAR THEM ALL THE TIME.

Kelsey: Oh my god. Chad/Alex 2 on 1!!!!!!
Kim: I am so alive right now.

Kelsey: “This is for America.” Oh Jordan. If you weren’t so beautiful, I’d hate you for that comment.
Kim: MURICA.

Kelsey: JoJo and Luke’s dinner. “You have a very relaxed confidence” It’s because there’s nothing in his head. It’s a very relaxed mind.
Kim: There is NOTHING going on up there. I’m sure he’s very nice though. He poses pensively outside of barns.

Kelsey: Luke describing his college/army experience: he sounds like he’s trying to tell you about a movie he saw and can’t remember the name of.
Kim: AHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU’RE RIGHT.
Kelsey: For the record, I support our troops.

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