Posted by Kim, Maggie, and Kelsey
Maggie: Shout out to my sister in Boston who attempts to read these even though she doesn’t watch the show <3
Kelsey: Last episode feels SO long ago. Like aren’t we over the last rose psych out yet?
Kim: Stupid July 4th falling on a Monday and pre-empting my stories.
Maggie: I’m having a hard time paying attention to the this week on the show bits but I did spy some cardigans so let’s go.
Kelsey: While Jordan’s hair makes me overwhelmed, Alex’s hair is weird and gross and stringy in this first scene.
Maggie: OKAY RIGHT?
Kim: SERIOUSLY. What’s going on there, Smol?
Kelsey: Is Chris Harrison still doing his clothing line? I need to look into this.
Maggie: Um, fucking EXCUSE ME he has a clothing line?
Kim: What even IS part of his line? Ill fitting blazers? Rose brooches? WHAT?
Maggie: THIS WEEK IS HUGE DID YOU GUYS GET THE MEMO.
Kelsey: Alex’s “Whoa” response to his date is fucking hilarious.
Kim: But is this a pity one on one, Smol?
Maggie: How many times are we all going to acknowledge Alex is the only one to not have a one on one yet?
Kim: IDK how many times did they mention that Wells was the only one not to have kissed her yet? They need something to fixate on.
Kelsey: “So…shut up.” Such insight, Chase.
Kim: LISTEN. I have NEVER been more proud of the fact that I said that Chase was the Gretchen Weiners of the clique than I am in this very moment. He has HAD IT with Regina George. I mean, he may as well be giving the Smol Swedish Weight-Gain bars right now.
Maggie: I think Alex means they all have a foundation that you can’t build on tearing another guy down????
Kim: But isn’t that what Alex has been doing this WHOLE TIME? Do they EVER not talk about the other guys when they are together?
Kelsey: Ew is Alex sitting in the middle seat? Stop.
Kim: Seriously, why is he sitting SO CLOSE? It would make me bananas.
Maggie: Personally I’d rather be on the bus with my clique than on this awkward drive with Jojo, but whatever.
Kim: Give me ALL the footage of the plastics on the bus, you guys. ALL OF IT. Also, we got an interesting glimpse into the group dynamic. Last week, I pondered whether or not Luke was a loner, but he was ensconced in the middle of the bus. James Taylor, on the other hand, just seemed like he was so happy they let him sit with him.
Maggie: You KNOW Chase was internally screaming “YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US.”
Kelsey: Dude I feel like their date is them just sitting in the back of a car all day? This is super boring.
Kim: SHOW THE BOYS ON THE BUS.
Kelsey: “I’m having a hard time connecting with him romantically.” Ok, imagine this same date with Luke, they’d be naked by now.
Maggie: Okay why does she keep saying they’re so comfortable? It doesn’t read that way at all to me. (Or do I just hate Alex? Unconfirmed.)
Kim: I KNOW they probably played up the long stretches of silence for the comedy/awkward of it all but at the same time maybe they didn’t? They don’t have anything to talk about and they have nothing in common. I don’t know WHY she kept him, honestly. This is SUCH a pity one-on-one.
Kelsey: Holy shit I can’t even respond to this rap of the bus boys. This is fucking hilarious.
Kim: OKAY but Luke’s BURN of the Smol though. He’ll need a stool get into the sidecar? THIS IS MAKING ME QUESTION ALL OF MY HATRED TOWARDS HIM.
Kelsey: Ohh I want to see more of James’ tattoos.
Maggie: What the fuck is tattooed on James Taylor’s arm and how have I never noticed it before?
Kim: I have not noticed it either but that’s because I always try to avoid looking at James Taylor directly.
Maggie: I’m so scared of Bachelor in Paradise, you guys.
Kim: You should be.
Maggie: Alex doesn’t seem that Wild and Unruly to me, but sure let’s see how this gaucho date goes.
Kelsey: “He actually looks really good!” No, JoJo, he does not look good in the gaucho attire.
Kim: I am so embarrassed for him RN.
Kelsey: “You’re a cute little gaucho” LOLOLOL JoJo is calling him SMOL too.
Kim: I’m just glad everyone is FINALLY acknowledging the Smol’s smolness.
Kelsey: Jordan is a picky eater. He can hang out with you, Maggie.
Maggie: JORDAN IS A PICKY EATER LIKE ME THIS IS DESTINY.
Kelsey: I want all of those meats.
Kim: IDK I am terrified this whole roadside meat stop is going to end up like that scene in Bridesmaids. You know which one.
Maggie: Is it humid in Argentina? How does Robby maintain that perfectly coiffed swoop?
Kim: I am still MYSTIFIED about what is going on there.
Maggie: Real talk, I think Alex is a little too all business and goals oriented to connect with his heart on this date. He’s not soft enough somehow in general.
Kim: He’s so focused on WINNING I think he’s lost sight of whether or not he even LIKES JoJo.
Kelsey: How long is this date going to go, I can’t take his hat (beret?) much longer.
Kelsey: Okay the man with the horse seems fucking weird. I don’t like this.
Maggie: Does the gaucho with the horse remind anyone of the yoga date though?
Kim: OH MY GOD IT DOES.
Maggie: Wow, this is such a natural relaxed comfortable date, lying in a field spooning this horse with you.
Kim: Does it count as voyeurism if the horses watch? (Seriously, does this show know what I’ve been reading lately? Are they breaking into my iPad? If they do a Bodyguard type of date next, I’m calling the cops.)
Kelsey: Oh my god is Alex about to be little spoon?
Kim: Well, he is smol.
Maggie: Aw, give him a break, he’s big.
Maggie: “Today is just confirmation that somehow I’m still here” I couldn’t have put it better myself, Alex.
Kelsey: “I’m in a sense of enlightenment right now” Fuck you Alex.
Kim: Deep thoughts by a Smol Marine. (ALSO IS HE NOT PICKING UP HER VIBE? She is RADIATING “no romantic interest” here.)
Maggie: Robby’s style hews a little Miami Vice now and then, yes?
Kim: OH MY GOD I’VE FIGURED OUT WHAT ROBBY’S HAIR REMINDS ME OF.
Maggie: Ooh we finally got to another “I’m falling in love with you” which just underscores how much Robby jumped the gun. (For someone who’s gotten like no screen time, I’m sure talking a lot about Robby so far)
Kim: Dude, he’s spent like 5 minutes with her, he just thinks L-Bombs are how you win.
Maggie: Dude, is Alex going home right now????
Kim: Chris Harrison lulled him into a false sense of security by saying no one-on-one roses…
Kelsey: “From day one we’ve had a connection” Really? I literally feel zero chemistry between these two.
Maggie: GUYS ALEX IS GOING HOME RIGHT NOW.
Kim: Shouldn’t have gone with the premature L-bomb on the FIRST ONE ON ONE.
Kelsey: JoJo’s reaction to Alex telling her he’s falling in love with her was not a positive one. DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN JOJO.
Kim: Her face was literally “Oh shit, I have to send you home right now.”
Kelsey: “I don’t feel as excited as I should feel” Oh my. GET IT.
Maggie: I was not expecting this even though I knew that’s how she must be feeling, my heart stopped a little.
Kim: I ALWAYS respect when they don’t torment the people for a week before cutting them at the rose ceremony. When you know you know.
Maggie: Holy shit, Alex is going home. Right. Now.
Kim: YOU ARE SO ALIVE RIGHT NOW MAGGIE.
Maggie: I have a lot of respect for how she’s handling this, honestly she’s coming across so well this season. I don’t need Chris Harrison to tell me how strong and independent she is, okay.
Maggie: You just know he’s SEETHING on the inside. After they spooned that horse and everything.
Kim: He must feel so used.
Kelsey: Too bad this is the first shirt that really fits Alex properly.
Kelsey: Alex completely closes off. Which, honestly, would be my reaction, too.
Kim: I mean, I get being dumped on National TV is no fun but how could he have not seen that his relationship with JoJo was no where NEAR the rest? And at this point, there was no room to catch up. And like making her feel bad about it is just him trying to make HIMSELF feel better.
Maggie: I hate seeing her doubt herself, I think she did the exact right thing. JOJO YOU’RE GOOD, YOU DO YOU.
Kim: Bye Smol Regina George.
Kelsey: Private jet to Mendoza v. long car ride to the Estancia? Like, c’mon blatant favoritism.
Kim: I mean…he’s been the “frontrunner” since day one. Spoiler alert, that term is going to make you want to tear your hair out by the end of the episode.
Maggie: Okay this wine tasting date I can get behind. Also…what is this pattern on Jordan’s shorts, he’s such a Harry girl.
Kim: I love a man who is not afraid to rock a good pattern.
Maggie: Ew okay maybe I can’t get behind this date
Kelsey: Grape crushing reminds me of the grape crushing fail.
Kim: Oh, you mean this? SORRY I LAUGH EVERY TIME, I AM GOING TO HELL.
Kelsey: Okay they’re drinking their foot grape juice.
Kim: I don’t think that’s how it’s supposed to go. Also, we go to an orchard every fall to pick apples and they ALSO have grapes that you can pick off the vine and I SWEAR TO GOD those grapes are some of the best things I’ve ever put in my mouth. So I can see WHY they did this, even if I think it’s gross. Just say no to foot juice.
Maggie: I was so on board with this date idea, especially after the horse spooning fiasco with Smol, until they started drinking it and then I started throwing up.
Maggie: Luke and Chase are either downplaying or don’t know about the fact that Jojo supposedly met Jordan’s ex and got that scoop before filming, the “external hype” isn’t all it’s cracked up to be I KNOW HE’S MY FAVE BUT I’M SAYING.
Kim: Okay, with Smol Regina George gone, that bumps Cady/Jordan up to Head Plastic, right? Chase/Gretchen and Robby/Karen TOTALLY WANT TO STAB HIM.
Maggie: YES. EXACTLY THAT.
Maggie: “What does JoJo want to do with Luke on a one-on-one that she doesn’t want to do with me?” Sex, Chase. SEX.
Kelsey: JoJo-Luke one on one, seems like they’re just going to have sex.
Kim: I love that you two wrote that independantly. WIFE BRAIN. Also, accurate.
Maggie: Jojo and Jordan’s banter is just a liiiiiiittle awk.
Kim: I think they are REALLY still in the “OMG I have to impress this person” phase where they make awkward jokes that only Harry Styles can pull off and on the inside you KNOW Jordan is just going “I carried a watermelon?”