Season 2, Episode 9: The Parents
– Posted by Sage
It’s double the Smash and double the #SmashBash this week, ya’ll! Derek and his minions are making the move to weekends this Saturday and Kim will have you covered with that gif-cap. Saturdays are the last stop before Cancellation Station, so let’s make these last few count. Remember: ain’t no party like a #SmashBash party, ‘cos a #SmashBash party is a piece of shit produced by Steven Spielberg!
“Maybe Anna forgot her keys.” “No, she would call first.” She would?
“It’s your Dad!” “Hannah, sweetheart, just checking in on you and your OCD…wait, wrong show.”
“Okay. Oh gosh. Shirt. Here’s your shirt.” I can see that you WANT me to find flustered!Karen sexy and endearing, but…
“That’s the fifth time this morning. I wonder what’s so important.” Perhaps a major plot point?
“I wish I was starring on Broadway, instead of in the ensemble.” YOU QUIT THE BOOK OF MORMON TOUR BECAUSE OF SOMETHING THE GUY YOU’RE SLEEPING WITH SAID AT A PARTY. This one’s on you, my friend.
“Are you writing an email? I thought you were doing a pass on today’s scenes.” This is why neither of these shows are finished. No one actually works around here.
“Patti Lupone?” “Well, no. Someone a little closer to home.” Patti, I know you have better taste than this, but why haven’t you been on this show?
Julia’s outfit is cute for once! A kicky side pony, patterned black and white dress, nerd glasses, and chic blazer. Well done. For once.
Karen is singing. And everyone is entranced. Everyone but me.
“Will I remain the same or will I change a little bit? Will I feel broken or totally complete? Will I retain my name when I’m the biggest, hugest hit?”
“Do we even have time to pull this off?” “Almost definitely not.” But that’s never stopped us before!
“I still can’t quite see why you left Bombshell for this?”
“This is boring. I want my catfight already.” The Greek Bitch Chorus speaks for the rest of us.
“She tried to kidnap you when you were a small child by stuffing you into a duffel bag.” And forced me to sing backup for my sister June!
“Perhaps I can repay you for your kindness with dinner next week.” Eileen is now whoring her bangs out to get some publicity for Bombshell.
“I knew you was alive.” “It’s nowhere near what I owe you.” Brooklyn Jimmy just wants outta the game, you guys. And I’m BORED.
“Nice jacket.” I see what you’re doing here, Smash. As usual, I’m seeing it from a mile away.
“I know how sad Ivy was when you left for the tour.” Can we please stop talking about this like Sam was kidnapped by Scott Rudin and forced to dance and sing in the SOLD OUT tour of the BLOCKBUSTER TONY-WINNING Book of Mormon?! Please?
“The fundraiser for the Manhattan Theater Workshop?” Nice try, writers, but your reasons for the Bombshell team being in the room for a fundraiser for another production are tissue paper thin.
“At least the best part of my career is still ahead of me.”
“Broadway, here I come. Broadway, here I come. BROADWAY, HERE I COME!” Or not.
“I have nothing but respect for your daughter, sir.” A. Not True. B. She doesn’t deserve it anyway.
“I hate to break it to you, but this is non-profit theater.” We can afford to throw together a full-scale production number in one day for a show that’s debuting in our black box, downtown subscription theater, but we can’t pay the salary of the composer.
“You’re trying too hard.” And that goes for all of you.
Karen sings her song standing next to a piano in a cocktail dress and then Anna performs hers in full-costume with background dancers, a catwalk, and fucking SILKS. I’m sure Karen is not at all jealous that her friend totally upstaged her.
Brooklyn Jimmy uses his Greenpoint street smarts to outwit a coatcheck boy and attempt to steal a piece of expensive jewelry that some idiot carries around in his pocket and then hands over to a complete stranger for safekeeping.
“Believe it or not, you don’t have a monopoly on youthful indiscretion.” More indiscretion, boys, please! #SmashSlash
“Well, look at that. They match.” Could Derek be transferring his confusing hate-sex feelings from Tom to Brooklyn Jimmy?
Let’s talk about Julia’s combover.
“I hope you don’t stop, I’m getting used to you.” There’s some subtext here, Julia.
“Forget the patrons, that’s the only fan Hit List needs.” Publicity is fine, but they’re dead in the water without a good review. The only fan Hit List needs is actually Charles Isherwood.
“We may need you to open the show, but after that, I’ll never need you again.”
“You left because of that composer…You never even mentioned him to your mom and me.” Because the first people you should tell about your night of bland kitchen table sex are your parents!
Bernadette and Ivy sing Gladys and Marilyn’s song. And a crying Christian Borle makes me feel something other than blind anger for the first time in tonight’s episode.
“Maybe we could all have dinner.” Derek’s like:
“I thought you and my daughter are together, but it wasn’t you I saw.” “There’s no reason a dad would tell his daughter’s boss that she’s sleeping with her coworker, but the writers couldn’t think of another way for you to find this out, so I guess we’ll pretend like this is something that would happen.”
“How do you feel about being a dramaturg?” NOT THIS AGAIN, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE.
“We’re not friends. I work for you now. And that’s it.” Nooooooooo, Tom and Ivy!
“You want a little something for the road.” And from that incredibly subtle music cue, we know that Brooklyn Jimmy’s back on the wrong path. Drugs are bad, mmkay?
“It’s Collins now?” What’s this about, Brooklyn Jimmy? If that is YOUR REAL NAME.
That’s it for the last Tuesday Smash ever! Get some exercise and drink plenty of fluids, #SmashBashers, cause we’re doing it alllll over again in just a few days.