Season 2, Episode 11: The Dress Rehearsal
– Posted by Sage
It is my honor and privilege to bring you this, my first Saturday #SmashBash recap. I, for one, prefer this change in the schedule. Now Smash no longer conflicts with any of my real shows.
Bombshell and Hit List are both still unfinished, but that won’t stop their irresponsible creative teams from letting them loose on the world. Let’s see how that goes for them, yes?
Tom has a nightmare about being naked on stage.
Then “wakes up” to find himself in another nightmare, waking up next to professional shithead Ellis. I like imagining that actor (I’m too lazy to look up his name) showing up on set for 15 minutes to shoot this scene and then being tossed out on the pavement again once they’ve got the shot. It’s almost cruel.
“Today’s the invited dress.” Yay. I guess.
“Eleven again, tonight?” I refuse to judge Ivy and Derek for establishing this late-night booty call arrangement. They’re hot grown-ups who need some stress relief. They can do what they want.
“As a first time director, if there’s anything wrong with the show, it’s on me.” Even if it’s the book, the music, the actors, or the fact that the show isn’t even finished yet?
“Are you on something?” “Just Adderall and Red Bull.”
“The doors aren’t opening. Why aren’t the doors opening?” Oh, Ann Harada’s firing someone tonight.
“I’m sure half the audience didn’t even notice.” That Megan “DD-Cup” Hilty was completely nude on stage for a full 15 seconds? Sounds legit.
“Buy your tickets now and find out if Marilyn is a natural blonde.” She had better be reading a COMMENT on BroadwayWorld, because I would hope that any staffer who wrote this in a column would be fed to a pack of hungry tourists in the TKTS line.
“Bombshell IS a troubled production.” Ohhhh, snap. Eileen drops some truth.
“We can’t make Ivy do something she’s not comfortable with just to sell tickets.” “I’ll talk to her.” Now that the Bombshell team has decided that Ivy’s magic boobies will save the show, the only thing to do is make her feel like she has to show ’em every night so they can all get paid.
“He gets high, you know that.” GOD, Karen, BE COOL. Brooklyn Jimmy is a tortured ar-tiste. Daddy needs his stuff to CREATE.
“Nudity was authentic to who Marilyn was.” Nudity is authentic to how we…all…are…
“When Michael Swift and I ended things, I saw the show more clearly than I ever had.” Nope, nope, nope.
“Well, that was brilliant.” If you say so, Derek.
“I want to tell the story in flashback.” Now would be a GREAT time to change the entire course of the show.
“If the Diva’s already sung it, it won’t feel like it’s her song.” Karen doesn’t own “Broadway, Here I Come.” She and Brooklyn Jimmy deserve each other. I can’t wait till they get married in front of the taco truck behind Union Pool and pop out a kid just as boring as them.
“Don’t give it to Ana.” “I just did.” Wah wah. Look who’s no longer the golden girl of musical theater.
“Are you sure now is the time to make a structural change?” For people who don’t know shit about theater, it is!
“I should be at my first preview right now, instead I’m back in high school.” Weeeelll, Derek, you got yourself into this predicament with these children. I have no sympathy.
“I know this might be really hard for you to believe, but I’m good at this now.” Only takes a few days! If I start now, I should have my own critically-acclaimed one-woman show at Ars Nova by Thursday.
I see they’ve spent the whole day running the show and they still don’t know who the swing is.
“I was in Take Me Out. Do you remember the plot?” “I remember penis.” It was the 2003 Tony winning Best Play, not a Times Square nudie booth show. Also, inside joke for the Sunjata super-fans?
“He only gave you that song because he’s pissed at me.” Everything’s about Karen!
Shouldn’t they know if there are people in those seats before they give them away to the ensemble?
“It’s not my fault that Derek thinks I’m talented…You should have slept with Derek when you had the chance.” This is what happens when you shit on your “friends,” Karen. God, she’s the worst.
“That’s the best part about downtown theater, no planes.” Isn’t it just the most fun being poor?
“What’s it gonna be, nude or prude?” “I haven’t decided yet.” Ohhhh, I have issues with this choice of words.
“Scott paid him in cash, because he doesn’t have a social security number.” “You’re being childish.” Bitch, he did not MAKE THAT UP. Listen when people are talking to you.
“She didn’t do it.” These fuckers are actually disappointed that she didn’t just roll over and commit to live nudity for 8 shows a week after having less than a day to think about it. I…I….
“Come back to bed, Jack.” But, thank our lucky stars, Ivy makes an artistic choice to show the goods in a way that, apparently, fundamentally changes the perceived quality of her entire performance.
(Sidenote: There’s nothing inherently dirty or sordid about onstage nudity. And I don’t mean to imply that Ivy shouldn’t have said yes. But it’s manipulative of her team and producers to make her feel, ON THE DAY OF THE FIRST PREVIEW, that it’s somehow essential to the show. /EndRant.)
“I have been in 7 Broadway shows and just had a featured role in a national tour. And now I’m just a swing.” And YOU BROKE YOUR CONTRACT WITH THAT TOUR. Could SOMEONE on this show actually take responsibilities for his or her own decisions?
“Eileen and Julia are looking for you. They said you’re going for drinks.” And they didn’t look for him at…the entrance?
“Did you lie to the New York Times?” Cause I think you can go to jail for that.
“Don’t do it, it was a great night. Don’t go down the rabbit hole!” The last thing any director should be reading after a first preview are the rants of the theater snobs trolling “All That Chat.”
“‘Topical’ rock musical.” “Tells the story of a post-Marilyn world.” That’s a stretch.
“Julia Houston as Hit List‘s informal dramaturg.” Can’t we go one episode without hearing this word?
“You were in tech.” Smash rule: No one is allowed to talk to anyone about anything whilst they are in tech.
“Would you rather I didn’t write about Bombshell at all?” I’d rather you didn’t publish a review of a show before it’s official opening, because it’s completely unethical.
“I’m brilliant all the time. You’re the ‘occasionally.'” Look who cobbled together some self-respect.
“You have to let me know who you are.” This is the most poorly-written romance since Padme asked Anakin to hold her like he did “by the lake on Naboo.”
“My name’s Adam, I’m an old friend of his.” Ana’s being awfully nice to sketchy strangers. Will Adam capture her in his web of drugs™ to get to Brooklyn Jimmy?
“This thing between us. It’s just casual, right?” “Shyeah.” Good talk!
Hit List has plenty of Bombshell refugees on staff, and the show’s leading ladies are bitter rivals. Obviously, those facts are reason enough to compare the shows. But Smash couldn’t just leave it there. Heavens, no! We might not have gotten it! So now, we’ve got this pedantic effort to align the two as stories, not just about fame, but about MARILYN MONROE in particular. HIT LIST IS NOT ABOUT MARILYN MONROE, YA’LL. Even if The New York Times says so.
It will be Kim’s sad duty to keep us all posted on the development of this artless storyline as it continues next week. Thanks for #Bashing with me!