When promos for What Would Ryan Lochte Do? started airing, we had several requests to recap it. Sage and I didn’t have the will to do it, despite the many requests, but luckily our good friend Jaime volunteered to recap for us. Welcome to the Head Over Feels family, love! –Kim
Once every few years, a show comes along that changes the landscape of television. 2003 gave us Arrested Development. 2007 gave us Mad Men. And now, in 2013, we have What Would Ryan Lochte Do?
He was overshadowed by Michael Phelps in the 2008 Olympics, but this past summer, more attention was paid to Lochte. And thank god for that. We quickly realized that he was an absolute idiot. Here’s just one example of what happens when you let him talk:
Now, the premise of the show isn’t particularly revolutionary. We follow Lochte while he trains, spends time with his family, and, naturally, parties with his friends. The episode opened with a group of his friends playing a game of flag football (complete with a random push-up contest. You know. As people do), where he and his brother/roommate Devon made a bet: if Ryan’s team scored the next touchdown, Devon had to do his brother’s laundry for a week. And if Devon’s team scored, Ryan had to scrub the rims of his car with a toothbrush.
It’s a good way to start us off with a positive image of Lochte’s life, so that we’re not overwhelmed with moments that prove over and over again how stupid he is. Because, um. Yeah. They happen a lot. My personal favorite moment of the episode was when he told his sisters they should watch “What Woman Want” [sic] at their family movie night…and then said in a talking head that “What Woman Want” is one of his favorite movies, proving that he genuinely believes that’s the title of the seminal Mel Gibson classic.
Apparently his family is a big part of his life. They have bowling and movie nights together, and it’s all pretty adorbs. But, of course, he’s got two crazy older sisters who worry about his love life, because, you know, it’s just your normal, crazy family here!!!!
His love life is a big issue for Ryan, because, as he says, he’s 28 and sees how happy his sisters are with “families of their owns” (DIRECT QUOTE). I mean, five minutes into the episode, he talked about how he’s not married or dating anyone so he gets to have fun, but now suddenly is desperate to settle down, but whatever. The only long-term relationship he’s had is with a girl named Jaimee, but clearly they’re unsuitable for each other as her name is what happens if you’re typing my name and one of your keys sticks. We see him talking to a few girls, including one self-proclaimed ballerina who, upon being prompted to dance, puts up her arms and spins in a circle. Don’t worry – even Ryan calls bullshit on this one. At a bar, he meets a girl named Megan and asks her out for the next night…to a sushi restaurant that, as his sisters discover, Ryan brings all his dates. And sits at the same table every time.
The date doesn’t go very well, but Ryan likes her; after all, she makes him laugh “a little,” which is apparently the way to his heart. And besides, she’s moving to LA soon, so, you know, obviously things won’t work out.
I think it’s safe to say that this is the best show of all-time. I am more than fine with watching Ryan Lochte in various social situations and just watching him get more and more confused. I mean, come on. Look at this face.
He’s his own reaction gif, you guys.
Lochte’s an idiot, but he clearly has a good heart. And he’s a gentleman! He very gallantly told the camera that the ballerina was “seeee – beautiful,” a very near save that almost made me fall off my couch. But the real quality of the show comes from the dumb things that come out of his mouth. As one person on Twitter put it, “It’s been thirty seconds and Ryan Lochte has forgotten what he’s saying twice.”
But I know you guys don’t care about the plot of the episode. I don’t even care about the plot of – actually, the word “plot” is a bit strong. More like, string of events in between Ryan talking. So here, in no particular order, are my favorite Lochteisms from this week:
-(after being asked what he thinks about often being called a douchebag) “Douchebag, I don’t even know. What’s a douchebag? What’s the definition?”
-“I don’t even remember what [medals] I got at the Olympics.”
(Note from Kim: He has Eleven Career Olympic Medals)
-“Being with Jaimee is the longest roller coaster I’ve ever been on.”
-“One thing I won’t do is I won’t give up on love.”
-(on dating) ““It might be the same restaurant, it might be the same table, but its a different girl.”
I hope you’ll all be tuning in next week, because I certainly will. I watched this over Mad Men, you guys. That’s how excited I was, and I wasn’t let down. I mean, come on. Look at this and tell me it’s not gonna be amazing television: