I have a confession to make, dear readers. I, Kim, lifelong purveyor of good taste and champion of scripted television, am a MASSIVE fan of The Bachelor.
I know. I’m sorry except I’m not sorry.
I’ve watched every single season, even the dreadful one with Prince Lorenzo. It premiered the year I moved to New York, and I remember watching it in the basement lounge of our dorm with girlfriends swooning and laughing. That was back when it really seemed The Bachelor was actually ABOUT people wanting to find love. I was such a wide-eyed and innocent 20-something that I actually BELIEVED what the show was about. I cried like a BABY when Trista picked Ryan in the first season of The Bachelorette and I am not ashamed of admitting that.
Now I am a cynical 30-something who knows how reality television works. The Bachelor is not about finding love, it’s about the drama. The Bachelor franchise took a turn for the sordid the moment Brad Womack decided not to propose to EITHER of his final two and it’s all gone downhill from there. DeAnna actually letting Jason get down on one knee before rejecting him. Jason proposing Melissa then dumping her for the second runner-up on National Television. The boil on the butt of humanity that is Jake Pavelka. The gall (and hilariousness) of Mean Girl Courtney. The numerous contestants who have “significant others” come on the show to confront them. It’s ALL about just how dramatic each season can be. I now watch out of pure amusement to see JUST how ridiculous the “ladies” (as my favorite recapper Kristin Baldwin always calls them. The quotation marks are important.) can get.
As I was watching last week’s premiere, I started tweeting my favorite ridiculous quotes from the episode and thought “There has GOT to be a way to turn this into something for the blog…”. So here you go…the 15 most ridiculous/amazing things said this week. Grab a glass of champagne, enjoy, and feel better about your life choices. I know I do.
“I don’t go on dates. To meet a guy like THIS, it makes me hopeful.” – Clare
Clare, you HAVE watched The Bachelor before RIGHT?
“I can’t see anything. All I can do is sit there and SMELL him.” – Clare
“Juan Pablo is incredibly sexy. You know he’s someone I truly would chase after in the streets.” – Kat
Imma just let that speak for itself.
“The date card said ‘say cheese’. I would assume it’s a photo shoot, but maybe it’s eating cheese. I’m good at both.” – Kelly
And with that beautiful soundbite, Kelly just became my favorite girl in the competition. Not that I think Juan Pablo will pick her, cause he won’t. But I hope he keeps her around for a while cause girlfriend is HILARIOUS.
“Being naked is not my comfort zone…I send people to jail every day for a living.” – Andi
I DO love that out of all the women at the photo shoot, they chose the first grade teacher and the assistant district attorney as the ones who had to get it naked. Way to keep it classy, Mike Fleiss. Andi and Elise’s reactions were totally merited, I was just completely amused at how a girl as hot as Andi had such a nakedness phobia.
“I was happy to take off my top, as always.” – Lucy
Lucy, giving “free spirits” a bad name.
“We’ll both be naked, so it’s okay.” – Juan Pablo
I’m sorry, I know Juan Pablo meant that as something comforting, but all I could think of was this…
“I do call my mom 10 times a day, I hope that’s okay with you.” – Cassandra
I am sure that is the NUMBER ONE thing a potential boyfriend/husband wants to hear right?
“I just got here, I’m not hammered. This is how I am sober. I’m just fun sober!” – Victoria (slurring her words)
Oh, this is gonna be fun.
“I’m not a dog, I’m just a bitch.” – Victoria
How long before Team Bachelor makes a t-shirt out of that?
“If Juan Pablo just so happens to be mine, I’m going to straddle him every day. Cause that’s what life is about. Straddling people and things.” – Victoria
Honestly, I really should have just transcribed Victoria’s entire meltdown.
“If you do the hymen maneuver and someone is laying down and dying, you’re gonna have to straddle them.” – Victoria
FACT: I rewound my DVR at least three times to confirm that she ACTUALLY said “hymen”. Which is a completely different KIND of maneuver really when you think about it.
“I guess I should apologize for setting off the crazy train.” – Victoria
I gotta hand it to Juan Pablo for immediately sending her home though. Maybe he really IS here for “the right reasons” and is actually thinking about how this will affect his daughter. I’ll be sad when he turns into a douche by the end of the season.
Also, part of me DOES feel really badly for Victoria. I’ve had some spectacular drunken meltdowns in my life (haven’t we all?) and I thank GOD that none of them have been captured for the viewing pleasure of the American Public
“I thought coming here would bring me much more happiness.” – Cassandra
Again I say…have you actually WATCHED the show, honey? And I understand you miss your son, but what did you THINK it would be like? Also 10 to 1 if she gets a Juan on Juan date they surprise her with her kid.
“I haven’t dated in so long, that’s why I was here.” – Chantal
Chantal, you were far too classy and normal for this show. Also, you’re a woman of color and we all know what that means on The Bachelor. Yeah, I said it.
And that’s it for this week Bachelor fans! What were your favorite moments of ridiculousness this week? Who is your pick as the woman who Juan will propose to and then break up with months later? Let me know in the comments!