“The Hindenburg had a happier outcome.” – Masters Of Sex Recap

how they tickhow they tick 2
 

Masters of Sex Season 3, Episode 7
“Monkey Business”

Posted by Sage

About 30 seconds after this week’s episode of Masters of Sex came to a close, I was already furiously googling “masters johnson gorilla impotence,” hoping against hope that I’d find some real life precedent for an otherwise inexplicable storyline. Unfortunately, my search did not unearth any instance where the flesh and blood Bill and Virginia treated a flesh and blood ape’s sexual dysfunction, and this blunder is entirely on the writers.

Let me lay out an important statistic of this season so far:

Times we’ve seen Bill touch Gini’s breasts: 0

Times we’ve seen Gil the gorilla touch Gini’s breasts: 1

What is wrong with this picture? I don’t want to allege that Masters has lost the plot at this point, because it hasn’t. But the show sure has made some bizarre choices as far as the plot vehicles it’s been using lately are concerned, and the case of the frigid ape is by far the worst. And then they actually had the nerve to call the episode “Monkey Business.” Am I being trolled?

I’m getting heated. Let’s shift our attentions to storylines that make Sage less rage-y.

Betty’s partner Helen (Sarah Silverman) is back in this episode, and she’s consumed with baby fever. While Betty huffs in bed next to her, Helen interprets all her dreams as signs of her fated motherhood and cooks up wild schemes to get herself impregnated. (Unfortunately, Rufus the toaster guy is “saving himself for marriage.”) There weren’t many avenues by which same-sex couples could expand their families back in the ’60s. As Betty succinctly puts it: “No one’s gonna hand over a baby to a couple of middle-aged dykes.” You’d think that Betty would have a leg up on her fellow child-seeking lesbians (and every woman without a man in general) since she works in the country’s most famous sex clinic and for the state’s premiere expert on fertility. But you’d think wrong, because that expert on fertility has decided to be a raging asshole about it. When Betty plies him with vague questions about inseminating single women, Bill lectures his secretary about the hardships of single motherhood. HEY BILL: did you forget that your own father was a withholding monster and that your brilliant partner is raising three children almost entirely on her own? Betty counters Bill’s condescending arguments by reminding him that men can also leave. Or die. Or be shit parents. But the fact of the matter is that Bill is never concerned with what goes on with his patients after his role in their cases is over. He changes the subject to side-step her rationality, before he can remember the existence of women who are gay. 

betty helen

Anyway, the selective misogyny of Bill Masters means nothing to Betty. She sneaks into the clinic with Helen after-hours (and this is a dangerous office to sneak into if one prefers to maintain one’s virgin eyes) to peruse sperm donor files. Helen is more sentimental than her partner, and is crestfallen when faced with the cold and lifeless lists of facts. (“Helen, it’s sperm. WE add the character.”) It’s back to the idea of selecting someone they know, and Betty’s got the perfect candidate. (Sorry, Rufus.) He’s tall, handsome, brilliant, and could not give less of a shit what sexual taboos he’s breaking. In fact, he couldn’t look more flattered. Nice to see you, Austin.

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Don’t Be A Dick, Or How Not To Talk To A One Direction Fan About The Band’s Break

drag me down

Posted by Sage

Hello, friend, acquaintance, or stranger.

As you must know by now, the British boy band One Direction has decided to take a break for at least one year. This is of huge concern to the media, even though Beyonce herself takes a minimum of two years between each album to bathe in the blood of the innocent and devise new and exciting ways to pronounce the word “surfboard.” Seriously, the coverage of this very uneventful event has brought about an embarrassing regression in the people who’ve assigned themselves to deliver our news and comedy. And let it be known that I hate any mass idiocy that forces me to refer to them as “the media.” I feel like I’m seeking the Republican party nomination.

Here’s what happens if you Google “one direction fans hysterical” right now.

hysterical

And here’s a discussion of that loaded adjective, which has a storied tradition of being used to gaslight women.

“Hysterical. It’s a word with a very female-baiting history, coming from the Latin hystericus (“of the womb”). This was a condition thought to be exclusive to women – sending them uncontrollably and neurotically insane owing to a dysfunction of the uterus (the removal of which is still called a hysterectomy).” – Gary Nunn, The Guardian

Yep. Our uteruses make us unstable. So, guys: what the fuck? And I’m talking to feminists and allies too, now. You wouldn’t allow a woman protesting the proposed de-funding of Planned Parenthood to be called “hysterical.” Is it the context of these attacks that make them okay? If it does in your mind, then congratulations: your feminism is flawed.

hatin

It’s all just so mean. The promo machine and its various channels spend five years shoving a product down the throats of teenage girls (and boys!) everywhere. Performances, award shows, branded merchandise, magazines, a feature film. They tell these fans that loving this band is an indivisible part of their identity. You are a Directioner. You’re a Niall girl or a Liam girl. You’re a Larrie or an Anti. You’re a family. You are the reason for their success.

this is us

Which makes the response when there’s band “drama” to be reported feel like a adult kicking over a kid’s sandcastle and then rubbing that kid’s face in the ruins. So much time and money and energy and hoo-doo from Simon Cowell’s radioactive life-extending underground lair is spent convincing girls that this band is the most important thing in their lives. Then they’re ridiculed for buying into it. Everything about the coverage I’ve seen has been gross, especially the gleeful compilations of fan Twitter reactions. A.) I praise Heathus every day that social media was not around when I was a child. I cringe in embarrassment at Timehop posts from 6 years ago, when I was a 26-year-old tax-paying grown-up with a full-time job. I can’t even fathom the kind of bullshit I would have put out into the world at age 11. B.) Oh, you found an extreme opinion or 50 on Twitter? Where all the calm and sophisticated discourse happens? What skill. What research. C.) WHAT ARE YOU ADDING TO THE CONVERSATION? Think about this: there are adults who get up, shower, commute to work, make shitty office coffee, pay their gas bill online, and then point and laugh at heartbroken teenage girls from their position of power and influence. There’s nothing new about 24/7 internet news cycle’s need to “report” on the reaction to the reaction to the reaction to the thing, but, as I’ve pointed out before, the implied judgement is especially hostile when it’s in reference to a cultural phenomenon that falls into the domain of the young and female.

disgusting jesus

The very best piece I’ve seen so far in the overblown aftermath to the break news came from Vice’s new lady-oriented channel, Broadly. “Why Do Adult Women Love One Direction Slash Fiction?,” in addition to being the title of my upcoming autobiography, is also a clearer picture of one slice of this fandom than any of those dashed off “nyah-nyah, we killed your heroes” responses have offered. The focus here is mostly on the older, straight, and female fanbase, so obviously I identify. One read of this by a lay-person (a sad, non-Directioner, with no joy in their life) and several stereotypes about the kind of people who love this band and the reasons why they do come crashing down.

1. All One Direction Fans Are Teens

dan charles

Like writer Miranda Popkey, I too have a core group of 401K-holding fellow 1D fans with whom I trade fic recs and impossibly beautiful photos of Harry Edward Styles. The existence of adult Directioners is something that the media would mostly like to ignore, since liking boy bands is stupid, and women who have surpassed puberty are presumed to be at least marginally less stupid than they used to be.

2. One Direction Fans Are Only Fans Because They Want To Marry One Or More Of The Boys

liam bear

My favorite statement in this whole article comes from a fic writer with the screenname wandaplenn: ‘I kind of want to be [Harry],’ she said. ‘But I also kind of want to be his mother, and I kind of also want to be his girlfriend.’ GIRL. This. That’s why the Tumblr fandom pinballs between calling the boys “my sons,” “dad,” and, in a fabulous Twitter typo gone full-meme, Harry and Louis (Larry) are become: “my larents.” The kind of closeness that a fan feels for one of the guys can change from photo to photo and sometimes within the mere six seconds of a Vine. Observe.

It’s a multi-faceted relationship between fans and 1D: sometimes hormonal, sometimes nurturing, sometimes exasperated. The band is on tour right now, and on show nights, Twitter and Tumblr blow up with reports – not just on what the band is wearing and if there have been any set list changes, but also about whether or not they look happy and how much they seem to be enjoying each other’s company. I felt the same way at both concerts I went to this summer. I paid *muffled mouth noises* to be entertained by a boy band, but ultimately what I wanted most out of the experience was to see them having a good time. And by “them” I of course mean my sons.

3. One Direction Fans Are Timid Creatures Who Are Scared Of Sex

larry

Ah, my favorite fallacy. And my second favorite quote from the Broadly piece: ‘I think it’s actually kind of fucking radical that teenage girls on the internet are writing custom porn for each other for free,’ [author Zan Romanoff] told me in an email. ‘Like, hello, every dude who thinks women are undersexed as a gender: check and mate, motherfucker.”’ Also, it’s GOOD custom porn. “Where are they learning these things?” I asked a friend after reading a particularly detailed gay sex opus. “From other fan fiction,” she answered. What a beautiful cycle.

And what a foolish assumption to make, that the only sexual interest that any famous dude or dude character can generate is A) solely within straight cis girls, and B) manifested always in a desire to bone or dream about boning him herself. I’m sure there’s fan fiction out there about One Direction and original female characters designed in the author’s image (“Mary Sues,” for n00bs), but that’s not the richest part of the fic canon about the band. 1D slash fiction isn’t taboo at all; it’s such a visible, known part of the fandom that fans come to concerts waving signs that reference the most popular smutty love stories. (Jack McQueen, for the win.)

larry dmd

I’m not ashamed to say that it was my exposure to the history of Larry (short for Larry Stylinson, the great ship Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson) that pulled me into this fandom in the first place. I’m never one to turn down a gang of cute, singing boys; but, to be honest, I’d been busy and hadn’t noticed they’d gotten hot. Well, about 20 minutes into my Larry indoctrination and I was hooked. Shipping can and does happen in any circumstances, even between fictional characters from different shows and movies who have and will never meet. Fangirls and boys are persistent like that. But Larry has such a fandom foothold because it feels like so much more than wishful thinking. Sometimes the existence of a current or previous relationship between the two is referred to as a “conspiracy theory,” and it is, in that shippers theorize and collect proof wherever they can. But is it so far-fetched to believe that at least two of these five boys who auditioned for the X-Factor experience attraction to other boys and maybe had a special connection to each other? Part of the appeal for Larries (that’s Larry shippers – try to keep up) is the belief that a tyrannical management team not only forbid them from going public but also put strict limitations on any kind of visible interaction. Old interviews show Harry and Louis full-out gazing at each other, touching each other’s thighs, singing each other’s praises, and being generally hands-y. Now, they barely look at each other on stage and are rarely seated next to each other at any appearance or interview. Pair the perceived longing of an alleged pair of star-crossed lovers with the sexual potential of two dreamy boys in the prime of their lives and a preponderance of slash fiction is the only possible result.

Like Popkey says in her article, there are universal personality traits and little details that span much of the 1D slash fic canon. In fact, I know it was my growing fondness for Fic!Louis that bled over and enhanced my feelings for the real one. It was Louis who I connected with the least at first, maybe because I came in during the “party boy” PR period. (First impressions of the other three included admiration of business-like Liam’s attempts to corral the others; affection for Niall’s harmless bro-iness and Irish brogue; and straight-up awe of the beauty and kindness of St. Styles. If you haven’t figured it out already, I’m a ryde or die Harry girl and have been since day one.) But Fic!Louis – mischievous, witty, and sometimes doubtful of his own worth – that guy, I could get a handle on.

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Fan Video Friday – TV Nostalgia

Posted by Kim and Sage

Summer may be winding down (HOW is it August 28th?) but Fan Video Friday is still here to serve all of your dog days Procrastination needs!  This week’s post is the child of last week’s montage happy post as we pay homage to the great shows of the 90’s and the Aughts.  We are leaving out The X-FilesFriends, and The West Wing because there are fanvids a plenty for these, thanks to their availability on Netflix.  These are the shows that may not be able to fill an entire post but still hold a great place in our hearts.  Read on and enjoy all the nostalgia.  And tweet Netflix and ask them to add Will and Grace and ER, would you? We need to binge-watch them desperately.

— Kim

“Hungry Eyes” – Lois and Clark

Sage: Lois & Clark was the first show I ever truly loved, and maaaaaaaaan was it terrible. But when I watch this video, I can almost convince myself that it wasn’t, and that it could possibly stand scrutiny beyond what sophisticated critique I could offer at the age of 11. What no one can ever take away from this series is that Dean Cain and Teri Hatcher were hot together – her, even in those matronly ’90s hairdos and him, especially in those glasses. If anyone had to make the Moonlighting version of Superman, I’m glad it was them.

“Footloose” – Will and Grace

Kim: I FORGOT how much dancing there was on Will and Grace.  Jack and Grace doing “Oops I Did It Again” (how is it not in this?).  Jack shoving his son aside to do the full dance break of “Pop”.  CHER.  Kevin freaking Bacon recreating his iconic Footloose dance.  It’s all amazing.  But seriously…I need this show on Netflix.  I would binge the SHIT out of it. Will and Grace lost me a bit in the latter years when it became all about Grace wanting a baby and who they could get to make a guest star appearance, but when it was good? It was brilliant.  I need it.

“The Scientist” – ER

Sage: I kick and scream daily because E.R. isn’t on Netflix yet. I started to fall off in seasons 4 and 5 as characters piled on and quality dipped. But I don’t think it’s coincidental that my interest started to wane not long after Susan Lewis got on a train and left Chicago.  As young as I was, I didn’t know why I identified so much with Susan except that I did. Carol Hathaway is also a queen – don’t get me wrong – but there was an unnecessary amount of focus on her fragility and on her being one half of the S.S. Doug and Carol. Susan was always just doing the best that she could, whether with her patients, her friends (MARK + SUSAN 5-EVER), or her family. Warm, funny, down-to-earth…forever my County General hero.

“Sweet Dreams” – Lost

Kim: Having just finished a series re-watch of Lost (a post on my top 15 coming soon), there really isn’t a more perfect song to equal the show’s delightfully trippy nature.  This video mainly focuses on Locke/Desmond/Ben/Richard and I can’t really argue with that.  “Sweet Dreams are made of these, who am I to disagree? I travel the world and the seven seas…everybody’s looking for something.” Yep, that’s Lost in a nutshell, isn’t it?

“Long Live” – Dawson’s Creek

Sage: Wow wow wow, okay, I’m fine. As Kim pointed out to me, it’s not often that you find a Dawson’s Creek fan video that isn’t ship-oriented. This one is all about the group as a whole, and puts zero focus on the Dawson/Joey/Pacey love triangle. “Long Live” is in my…let’s say top three T. Swift songs. It’s the only track I can think of that makes me feel that instant and bittersweet nostalgia for old friends and our triumphs. This video is a work of art, from setting Jack’s coming out to “you held your head like a hero…” to using a montage of “Detention” and “The All-Nighter” for “for a moment a band of thieves in ripped up jeans got to rule the world.” Part of my own adolescence will always be wrapped up in Capeside; if that goes for you too, then prepare to cry.

“I Don’t Want to Want You” – Felicity

Kim: Before Team Edward vs. Team Jacob and before Team Peeta vs. Team Gale and before Team This Guy vs. Team That Guy there was Team Ben vs. Team Noel.  Who you wanted Felicity Porter to be with said a LOT about you in the late 90’s/early Aughts.  Ben vs Noel was like fate vs. happenstance.  Me? I was ALWAYS Team Noel (which makes me happenstance? INTERESTING.)  What can I say?  I’ve always been a sucker for Scott Foley’s giant hazel eyes and I remain so to this day, given my allegiance to Jake on Scandal.  I WILL say that I was in the midst of a Felicity rewatch when it got yanked from Netflix (THE PAIN).  What team was I on as a 30-something, you might ask?  I was on Team Felicity is the WORST and both of these guys are better than this wishy-washy girl who can’t make up her mind.

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“We all need stories to tell ourselves.” – Masters of Sex Recap

Masters of Sex Season 3, Episode 6
“Two Scents” 

Posted by Kim

“We’re all just stories in the end. Just make it a good one, eh?” — Doctor Who

Everyone is guilty of rewriting their own history to serve their own needs.  We remember certain people and relationships fondly while we assign the role of villain of the story to others. (Side Note: if I don’t put pictures of my ex in my scrapbook, he never existed, right?) This week’s Masters of Sex involved a lot of storytelling and examination of individual perspective. Virginia, reeling from her mother’s blatant endorsement of her affair with Bill, starts rewriting their history, telling herself that feelings had nothing to do with it. Libby Masters, so desperately alone in her marriage and her life, created a new identity for herself as she took over Joy’s bachelorette pad. The women on this show, y’all.

There’s been some criticism that Virginia has been acting out of character this season and her writing has been erratic.  I wholeheartedly disagree.  Virginia is an EXPERT at self sabotage.  We’ve seen this from the very beginning of the show.  She threw away her relationship with Ethan and so many other “nice guys”. I think why the relationship with Bill has worked for so long is the fact that he was unattainable in that she could never actually BE with him publicly.  Now that she is fully aware she’s on the precipice of that being able to happen (THANKS MOM), she’s running in the opposite direction.  My precious blueberry, this is what she DOES. Going back to last week’s episode, you can’t TELL me that Virginia wasn’t ready to jump Bill’s bones right then and there after his speech.  That desire was palpable.  But one word from her mother pushed her over the precipice of doubt that had ALREADY been building (I’m still questioning Gini’s reaction to the fur coat, after all) and now she’s running the other way.  Why?  I don’t know.  Perhaps she is afraid of her sexual relationship with Bill discrediting her work (as naturally, being a woman, it would).  Perhaps she doesn’t TRULY want to be the kind of woman who ruins a marriage and a family.  Perhaps she just doesn’t want to be the person her mother believes her to be. Whatever it is, poor sweet earnest (desperate) Bill doesn’t know what hit him.

 

To make matters worse, Edna is behaving like Bill and Virginia are already married, proudly proclaiming over dinner how great it is to have a famous author in the family, much to Virginia’s chagrin.  (Bill’s “If by family, you mean your daughter.” = everything.) Shipper Grandma (copyright Tumblr, not me. I wish I was that clever) even goes as far as manufacturing a way to get the kids out of the house so Bill and Virginia can have alone time.  SUBTLE.  It is, as Virginia says, grotesque.  There’s no faster way to get rid of a boner than to have sexytimes manufactured by your pseudo mother-in-law.

Bill and Virginia have always connected and communicated through sex, so Bill’s immediate solution to feeling her slipping away is to try and get her into bed as soon as possible.  He proudly announces that Dr. and Mrs. Holden will be returning as he booked them a room at the hotel where they spent so much time in season 2.  What Bill doesn’t count on, however, is the fact that their notoriety follows them everywhere now.  The check-in boy recognizes them and proceeds to flail about how Human Sexual Response has revitalized his marriage by the sheer fact that the book is in the house.  Well…at least someone is getting laid around here.  Left with no options, Bill takes them back to where it all began: the lab.  For some, this might be a romantic notion, going back to the place where they had sex for the first time.  For Virginia, it only serves to remind her that she and Bill wired themselves up and had sex under the guise of contributing to the study.  Dan Logan’s comments (don’t worry, I’m getting to him) about deserving a “proper courtship” echo in her head and she forgets about the banter and the blatant desire that led up to her consummating her relationship with Bill and chooses to only remember clinical detachment. “We had a negotiation and then we hooked ourselves up to wires,” she remembers coldly. Thus there was no sex in Mastersville that night.  Mighty Bill has struck out.

 
 
 
Bill (rightfully so) tells her she’s being ridiculous, because he chooses to remember things differently (Accurately? Am I currently watching The Affair?).  He remembers the passionate sex and the doorway declarations and the volatile fights and the even more volatile make-up sessions.  The funny thing is Bill has ALWAYS been ready to leave Libby for Virginia. This is not a new development, despite what Edna says.  It’s been Virginia who has been so insistent on maintaining the status quo because she is afraid of what her passion for Bill makes her and she’s afraid of truly taking the plunge with him. I think Virginia’s current indifference has very little to do with Bill and everything to do with making herself feel better about her life choices.  It’s easy for her to dismiss their relationship as amoeba in a petri dish rather than face the truth that she fell in love with a married man and risked professional and personal ruin for it.

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“Whatever happened to predictability?” – Live Blogging The Unauthorized Full House Story

Posted by Kim and Sage

HAVE MERCY!

Honestly, I never knew the making of Full House was fraught enough to merit an authorized tell-all pic on Lifetime, but here we are. Get yourself some ous-cream and join us here at 8/7 for all the snark and gifs you can handle!

00.06

And with that we say good night! Stay tuned for Maggie’s fashion post!

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SPOTLIGHT WITH THE MOST WELCOME UPSET OF THE NIGHT. #ProtectTheChildrn

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AT LAST LEO’S QUEST IS OVER. NOW MAKE A NORMAL NOT BAITY MOVIE.

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YAY BRIE.

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NO NO NO NO NO NO.

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Ennoi Morricone takes the Score Oscar for The Hateful EightYou hire the best, you get the best.

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VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN WANTS YOU TO INSIST ON CONSENT.

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Accidental maternal feelings because of Tremblay and Attah.

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Basically, Academy.

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RIP Amy.

 

22.38

Friendly reminder that Louis CK could get it.

22.31

Mark Rylance is a consummate professional in every way. Cheers to a Best Supporting Actor winner.

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Inside Out wins the Animated Feature award for making us feel ALL THE THINGS.

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Important Information: Kate Winslet likes Tagalongs. Christian Bale and Matt Damon go for the Thin Mints.

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Oh, Marshmallow. I miss you.

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Ex Machina out of nowhere with the Visual Effects award.

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Kim: “I want to go to THAT party. It’s a bunch of crazy fuckin’ Australians.” Mad Max wins Sound Mixing.

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SURPRISE: MAD MAX for Sound Editing. The most well-made movie of the year, PER THE ACADEMY.

21.44

“The Minions are on their way….”

Sage:

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ANOTHER WOMAN. Mad Max does it again with Film Editing. Fuck fucking yes.

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Hey guess the fuck what. Michael B. Jordan could get it.

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JGarns looking AMAZING. Suck it Ben.

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NOT GETTING TIRED OF HEARING MAD MAX YET. Also, look: more women for hair and make-up.

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CLEANING UP. You do you, Mad Max. Production Design is another feather in that cap.

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LOOK AT THESE TWO.

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Mad Max gets the first OF HOPEFULLY MANY awards for Costume Design. OH WHAT A LOVELY DAY.

21.12

Alicia is VERY good BUT SORRY IT IS A LEADING ROLE AND I CAN’T GET OVER THAT.

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WORST BOND THEME EVER THOUGH.

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That’s exactly James Bonds’ thing, Sarah.

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Brooklyn isn’t going to win anything tonight, but I’m posting this because THIS MOVIE CHANGED ME. Thank you for your time.

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Both Room and Brooklyn and Carol were better than this but GOD FORBID A LADY PICTURE WIN.

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WOULD THAT THIS MOVIE WOULD WIN BEST PICTURE TONIGHT.

20.45

Chris Rock pokes fun at #AskHerMore and we’re like:

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SORORITY RACIST. We’re dying.

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Guys I just. Chris Rock’s monologue…I get it, but I don’t get it?

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“Y’all would be watching Neil Patrick Harris right now.” Where is the lie?

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GOD I LOVE MOVIE MONTAGES.

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Okay, we’re switching over to our blog for the ceremony! Join us there.

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GOD CHRIS EVANS.

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KATE AND LEO ON THE RED CARPET.

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Leo’s victory lap begins.

 

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Gaga speaking up for survivors of Sexual Violence. Looking fucking fierce.

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Reminder that Sly Stallone is the Italian Jerry Gergich.

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“Chris Rock needs no advice from me, because he’s the greatest living stand-up comedian.” – Tina Fey

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TINA LOOKS FUCKING AMAZING.

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“It wasn’t The Revenant.” – Matty Damon

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I think KWash is wearing one of Clooney’s Batsuits?

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DINNER IS HERE. We ordered Indian tonight, jealous?

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Switched to ABC because we live for Robin Roberts.

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Why does Rooney Mara insist on looking like this?

 

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Sophie Turner is giving us classic Hollywood REALNESS.

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COMMON LOOKING FINE AS PER ALWAYS.

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Eddie Redmayne always in velvet, out here looking like The Ladies Man.

(It’s not disgusting, we love it.)

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SAOIRSE!!! YOU BEAUTIFUL CLOVER YOU LOOK AMAZING. PLEASE DATE NIALL HORAN.

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Kim’s mom, re: Olivia Wilde: “It looks like there are two Kotex covering her boobs.”

She’s not wrong.

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PRIYANKA!!!!! God she’s gorgeous.

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JACOB TREMBLAY ON THE RED CARPET, HOLD ON TO YOUR OVARIES.

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Women out here arguing that the Oscars aren’t a White Man’s Paradise. Sage is about to lose it.

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We love Alicia’s entire look from the thighs up. Undecided about the rest.

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Currently in a gender debate on Twitter for calling out the lack of female directors nominated, today or EVER. OKAY.

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I ALWAYS FORGET THAT GIULIANA IS BANISHED FROM THE RED CARPET.

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Mindy Kaling on the Red Carpet. She’s not Malificent or anything. QUEEN.

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I’ve been drinking all day, so this live blog is gonna be FUN.

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I gotta say, that was fantastic. It’s amazing what an actual audience can do for energy. Take note, NBC.

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Tell me about it…

21.44

In the eternal words of Barney Stinson…

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Hooray for Eugene! Nerds always come out on top.

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The Jets are gonna have their day, toniiiiiiiiiiiight.

Whoops, wrong show.

 

21.29

Stockard approves of V-Hudg’s “There Are Worst Things I Could Do.”

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Boys, just say you love each other.

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Stranded at the Drive-In.

Seriously, Louis. That is some Danny Zuko realness.

21.07

Gotta admit. Julianne SLAYED Hopelessly Devoted to You.

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Am I going crazy or is NO ONE doing the Hand Jive correctly?

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YAY DANCING.

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“She’s outta luck, unless she’s as pretty as you. Is she?”

“No.”

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Spiked punch is very important.

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I’m still so proud of my son Joe. –S

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This casting of Boyz II Men is GENIUS.

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GET IT WITH THAT STEP-TOUCH SOUL, BOYZ II MEN.

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All of Sandy’s Comments about Dance compeitions though.

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Danny right now. Which is really shitty, but Sandy IS the worst.

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Sage: Are they going to kiss? Kim: MAYBE?

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This is what happens with a live audience. Un-synchronized swaying.

20.13

THIS DOODIE. Precious Cinnamon Roll. Too good, too pure.

20.09

YAY FOR DIDI CONN.

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I don’t care what these stupid new lyrics say, the chicks’ll CREAM.

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KEEP TALKING BOY KEEP TALKING.

19.57

Don’t be like Rizzo, kids.

19.48

You know who is probably LOVING this right now?

19.45

We are all agreed that Sandy is the WORST right?

19.43

Like Marty, I love a man in uniform.

19.39

Suck it, El Nino.

(Harry fell down immediately after this.)

19.36

Agreed, Frenchie.

19.32

Sorry for the delay guys! My computer is going to be the death of me.

22.05

And that’s our show! See you kids at the Academy Awards. Look for Maggie’s Fashion Recap soon.

22.02

Spotlight takes the ensemble SAG: was there any other choice?

21.59

The only thing getting me through Leo’s victory lap for a film he shouldn’t be winning for is Kate Winslet’s DELIGHT.

21.56

Why even bother reading these nominees? We all know where this is going. Leo. Leo, Leo, Leo.

21.47

Next Stop: Oscar.

21.43

Is this a joke? Third win for Downton Abbey? Even the ensemble looks embarrassed.

21.29

YOU REALLY AREN’T GIVING JON HAMM A VICTORY LAP YOU ASSHOLES? HOUSE OF CARDS IS BEYOND OVERRATED AND ALL SPACEY DOES IS CHEW SCENERY. OKAY.

21.23

That makes two in a row for Queen Viola. Also she looks FLAWLESS.

21.23

We’re just TWO friends. Two good friends…

21.13

“You guys are the whole ball of wax.” – Carol to Tina and Amy.

21.11

STEVE ESCORTING CAROL TO THE STAGE THOUGH.

21.04

OUR QUEENS.

20.57

That’s two, count ’em TWO SAG awards for human sex drive enhancement drug (also EXCELLENT ACTOR) Idris Elba.

20.51

Sage: UGH WHY IS RUFFALO SO HOT?

Kim: You know why.

20.49

HAIL TO THE QUEEN.

20.44

GOD I LOVE MONTAGES.

20.37

20.34

“I’m prepared for this.” – Sage

 

20.27

Alicia Vikander upsets at the last ceremony before the Oscars. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN.

20.20

I just love seeing all these ladies, of all shapes and colors, up on this stage. You GO OITNB.

20.11

There’s always money in the banana stand. (We do object to Transparent being called a comedy though.)

GET UP HERE DAD THOUGH.

20.07

FOREVER LOVE YOU UZO. I promise eventually, we will watch your show.

20.03

“I AM ENOUGH.” BLESS QUEEN LATIFAH.

20.01

GOD I DO LOVE HOW THEY ALWAYS OPEN THE SAG AWARDS.

19.48

Nicole Kidman’s old nose fan club.

19.32

Speaking preemptively for Maggie on Kaley Cuoco:

We can’t with this bitch no matter what she wears.

19.29

GOD I LOVE IRISH ACCENTS.

19.28

Whelp, Frost has arrived.

19.25

JACOB TREMBLAY THOUGH.

19.17

Still not used to seeing Jon Hamm on his own on the red carpet.

19.14

GOD IDRIS ELBA. GET IN MY BEDROOM NOW.

19.09

Let’s discuss Michael Sheen, a BIG STAR in his own right, just being the supportive boyfriend in the background for Sarah Silverman. BLESS.

Harry agrees.

19.06

“Don’t put me in the small window. PUT ME IN THE BIG WINDOW.” – Sarah Silverman, telling E! News what’s up.

19.05

We are obsessed with Alicia’s sparkles. Curious to see what Maggie thinks in her post.

18.59

“I guess her inspiration was ‘show some skin.'” – Eva Longoria, trying to get in the headspace of her dress’s designer on Guiliana’s instruction.

 

18.56

“You’re doing SO WELL.” – G to Bryan Cranston, as if he doesn’t have a case of awards at home already.

18.46

With both Gaby Hoffmann and Christina Ricci in attendance, I need some Now and Then reunion pictures, thanks.

18.45

Amanda Peet: you are a beautiful woman DRESS LIKE ONE.

18.42

EVERY TIME I see Joanne Froggatt on the Red Carpet:

18.41

Is Ellie Kemper ACTUALLY a Disney Character?

18.40

Giuliana: The competition is so fierce in Leading Actor.

Kim: IS IT THOUGH? EVERYONE KNOWS LEO IS WINNING.

18.34

“But I’m Greek…”

18.33

WHY CAN NO ONE DRESS CHRISTINA HENDRICKS’S GLORIOUS FRAME?

18.29

Kim: Eddie Redmayne is such a precious bunny rabbit.

Sage: No wonder he was in a movie with the Smol One.

18.22

I LIVE FOR SALLY DRAPER/KIERNAN SHIPKA.

18.20

Our reaction to Christina Ricci’s Blonde Hair.

She looks amaze.

18.14

Our queen Laverne looking FLAWLESS and also preaching about Flint, Michigan. Can she be more perfect?

18.07

Guiliana is failing as hard as she usually does at the vamp, and we need some celebrities to show up.

18.04

“Oh yes, Seacrest doesn’t get out of bed for the SAGs”

23.14

If we’ve got another Birdman on our hands, I am going to need to drink more. See you guys for the SAGs!

22.56

Look I LOVE Leo and when I finally see this movie, I will fully admit to being wrong if I think I’m wrong but FASSY.

22.52

Remember when Brie Larson was Abed’s Girlfriend on Community?

22.44

YOU GUYS THE MARTIAN IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE MOVIES OF THE YEAR BUT IT IS NOT A COMEDY AND WHY AREN’T WE REWARDING ACTUAL COMEDIES THAT ARE GOOD SO MORE OF THEM WILL GET MADE?

22.40

Sage: Look what the cat dragged in.

22.34

Sorry, this award was Amy’s. I can’t.

22.26

COOKIES FOR ERRYONE TONIGHT.

22.24

George Miller was stripped down, robbed, and then kicked in the face.

22.00

Golden Globes continues to favor new talent: Mr. Robot gets the Drama Series nod!

21.58

John Krasinski still working that Michael Bay makeover, I see.

21.52

But is “Writing’s On The Wall” not overwhelmingly considered to be one of the most forgettable Bond themes in HISTORY?

21.44

We appreciate the Moonstruck reference Gaga, but that Globe belongs to Kirsten Dunst.

21.42

YAY SENOR CHANG.

21.40

Reminder that Dame Helen Mirren is forever better than you.

21.35

KATE AND LEO KATE AND LEO EVERYONE CAN GO HOME NOW.

21.34

We consider this retrospective for Y Tu Mama Tambien.

21.30

Steve Jobs plays the orchestra, but Aaron Sorkin wrote the damn symphony.

21.21

Sly is v. v. emotional right now, bless.

21.17

It’s like a meeting of the Most Handsome Men’s club.

21.16

Was there really any other option?

21.08

STILL DYING THAT THE MARTIAN IS A COMEDY BUT YAY MATTY D.

21.05

Did they serve Snake Juice before the show?

20.57

Fitting because the Globes were the first ones to recognize Mad Men and now they are the last.

20.53

WRAP IT UP QUENTIN.

20.52

GUYS I HATE JAMIE FOXX SO FUCKING MUCH.

20.49

Well, Christian Slater was a little unexpected, was he not?

20.41

BEST DAMN PILOT IN THE RESISTANCE. Enjoy your Globe, Oscar!

20.40

CLEARLY everyone went to the champagne reception before the show.

20.38

Wolf Hall over Fargo?

20.35

I AM on the same page as Ricky regarding the category fraud of The Martian.

20.30

Me every time I see the Batman vs. Superman trailer…

20.25

Guess we should start watching Mozart in the Jungle?

20.24

RACHEL BLOOM WITH THE UPSET. The HFPA DO love their new talent.

20.22

Now that is how you do a bit, Samberg.

20.15

Well deserved win for Maura, who is FABULOUS on The Affair.

20.14

The color combo of The Rock and J-Lo though.

20.11

OUR QUEEN KATE TAKES IT. Can this bode well for Oscar? SAY YES.

20.09

I need to be way more drunk for this bit.

20.08

J-Kras spotted in the audience and his beard is delightful.

20.07

Ricky, I love you but you best watch yourself.

20.02

I am ALWAYS here for the shading of NBC.

20.01

Ricky with his signature beer. Here we go.

19.54

Le Winslet getting it done, as usual.

19.51

Okay we’re getting ready to switch to our post for the Show. ARE YOU READY?

19.42

Eddie Redmayne looking elated and elfin as always in a patterned jacket. Is that a fleur de lis?

19.34

Sage: Rooney Mara always looks like she was just attacked by a bear. Is she in The Revenant?

19.30

Gotta love a large man in a VELVET SUIT. Hello, Dwayne.

19.29

“This is my first Golden Globes.” JACOB TREMBLAY YOU GUYS. What a performance and what a precious child.

19.27

LOOK AT THESE TWO CUPCAKES.

19.22

You’ll always be Vince to us, Michael B. Jordan.

19.14

DINNER IS HERE.

19.07

I straight up thought Charlie Puth was 16 years old.

19.01

It’s not the Golden Globes until Jennifer Lopez shows up.

18.50

Brie Larson is SO SPARKLY and we love it.

18.48

Friendly reminder that Andy Samberg is incredibly handsome.

 

18.43

Fassy has arrived and Kim is all…

18.36

ACTUAL PHOTOGRAPH OF BRYSHERE YAZZ GRAY ON THE RED CARPET. #cupcake

18.35

Aziz rocking a patterned tux and we miss Tom Haverford.

18.31

Why is Alicia wearing an apron with nothing underneath? – Sage

18.30

WHERE ARE THE FAMOUS PEOPLE?

18.15

PLEASE RICKY DON’T BE TOO MUCH OF AN ASSHOLE TONIGHT.

18.10

Already arguing with our Fashion Blogger Maggie (stay tuned for her recap!!) so I know it’s going to be a good night.

18.04

Gina Rodriguez is a pretty pretty princess in navy (her waist looks AMAZING). She also brought her Dad because she is too pure for this world.

18.02

THE GLAM-BOT? Jesus.

 

17.58

LET’S DO THIS I AM READY BABY.

23.00

Wow. They finished 2 minutes early.

I will never be over Mad Men.

Our intrepid Fashion Editor Maggie Marshmallow will be with us later this week to share her fashion thoughts. Till then…good night!

22.59

I AM SORRY DID YOU WATCH THE FINAL SEASON OF MAD MEN?

22.57

THIS IS BULLSHIT.

22.55

TRACY.

22.52

AND THE MODERN FAMILY REIGN IS OVER.

22.47

Viola shouting out Nicole Beharie is the most promotion Sleepy Hollow has gotten all night.

22.45

Taraji is the happiest attendee at this ceremony.

22.44

Honestly, the award was sewn up the moment Viola took off her wig and make-up and then asked her husband why his penis was on a dead girl’s phone.

22.41

ALSO THAT TINA GOT TO GIVE IT TO HIM.

22.40

JON HAMM YOU GUYS. FINALLY. JESUS.

22.34

LLAP Mr. Nimoy

22.30

OH GAME OF THRONES IS GOING TO BEAT MAD MEN.

Love Peter though.

22.23

Preparing myself that Game of Thrones is going to beat Mad Men.

22.20

Love you, Uzo. However, Imma go cry in the corner over the fact that Christina never won.

22.13

Thank you, Fox, for reminding me that Viola Davis doesn’t have an Oscar no matter what your fact checking dept says.

22.11

I’m sorry, the Mad Men finale should have won.

22.08

Sage: BENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

22.06

We’ll miss you, Jon.

22.03

One Hour Left.  Someone check in on Jon Hamm and his nerves.

22.02

Colin Hanks even SOUNDS like his father.

21.55

YES FOR AMY!!!!!!!!

 

21.53

And a victory lap for The Daily Show.

21.42

And that’s a clean sweep for Olive on this broadcast.

21.40

OKAY BUT YOU’RE BACK IN 30.

I may miss The Newsroom.

21.39

So many AMAZING shows left us this year.

21.38

I’m so glad Fred Savage is cute again.  Remember when he went through a bit of a busted phase?

21.36

I am considering this a retroactive award for Six Feet Under.

21.33

EMPIRE THOUGH.

21.28

Olive Kittredge going for a clean sweep!

21.25

Bill Murray had better things to do tonight.

21.16

YAS MORE CREATIVE LADIES WINNING.

21.14

PROFESSOR IAN DUNCAN.

21.11

CUBA GOODING IS SO PROUD OF YOU REGINA!

MARCY! MY WIFE!

21.07

Behind the scenes ladies CLEANING UP.

21.06

He makes me nervous too, girl.

21.03

We love you Jaaaaaaaaaaames. Oh, yes we do.

20.58

ONE DAY So You Think You Can Dance will win.

20.57

Imma sit in the corner and pout for a little while.

20.54

Absolutely NO OFFENSE to JLD but the fact that Amy Poehler never won an Emmy is DEPLORABLE.

20.52

If Seth Meyers gives Amy Poehler an Emmy, I will lose my shit.

20.46

“Thank you for your inspiration. Thank you for letting us be a part of the change.”

20.43

Congrats to Jeffrey Tambor!  There’s always money in the banana stand!

20.38

LADY DIRECTORS FTW.

20.37

Reminder that the Shitford can always get it.

20.35

Stamos and Gina presenting together. LOOK AT THE GORGEOUS PEOPLE.

20.32

I JUST WANT AMY POEHLER TO WIN THE PUDDING.

20.28

2/2 with Veep.  They are definitely winning tonight.

20.27

It does annoy me that they let Ricky talk for as long as he wants because this definitely means a winner will get played off later.  COME ON.

20.25

Veep wins for writing!  Will they take the Series Award from Modern Family?

20.23

How much are we going to talk about binge watching tonight? This is not a new thing, people.

20.19

I love that they are going to save drama actor for the end of the night, thus torturing Jon Hamm.  HE NEEDS TO WIN Y’ALL.

20.16

AND SHE STARTS SINGING HER SPEECH.

20.15

National Treasure Allison Janney sets a record and has a reallllllllllllllllllly hot date.

20.12

It should be noted that once again Kyle Chandler’s tux does not fit him properly because that’s how Coach rolls.

20.10

Taraji is LOVING all of this.

20.08

Sage: Oh God PLEASE stop cutting to the African American people during this. Defeating the point.

20.07

I mean I wish that is how they would play people off.

20.05

Look at you, Andy. We’re so proud.

20.04

WELL DONE ANDY! You done watched every damn show.

20.02

“Have you seen Castle?” “Errrrrrrrm”

20.01

YVETTE NICOLE BROWN!

19.59

WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT SPORTS WHEN WE SHOULD BE TALKING ABOUT SEQUINS?

19.58

I’m so confused as to why the Fox pre-show is the football people.

19.58

We’re rooting for first-time host Andy Samberg to kill this show! Hope he’s all caught up on Media Content.

19.54

We switched away from the E! pre-show for a hot second, but we returned and were greeted with James Corden’s beautiful face.

19.50

Okay, kids.  We’re switching over to our post for the ceremony.  Join us there for all the good times!

19.37

We’re also calling this a win for Kerry Washington.

19.35

Update: we ordered Thai. From a restaurant called Sage’s, so it’s a sign.

19.33

ERRYBODY is busting out chains tonight.

19.28

CRISIS ALERT: the place we had planned to order dinner from closes super early on Sundays.  We’re now figuring out alternatives.

19.23

“I just show up and I say ‘Thank you Ms. Fey.'” Krakow, we love you.

19.18

Giuliana is actually doing quite well tonight.  Probably because her job is on the line.

19.17

Maggie Gyllenhaal is usually such a hot mess, I am calling this a win.

19.13

“I’m not only a neuroscientist, I get to play one on TV.” – Mayim Bialik often makes me forget about how much I hate The Big Bang Theory.

19.10

IDEK what Sally Draper is wearing RN.

19.08

National Treasure Allison Janney is in a naked dress and looks phenomenal.  GET IT GIRL.

19.06

Only Sarah Hyland can say “I’m so sweaty” and have us coo about how cute she is.

19.04

We are obsessed with Anthony Anderson’s son.

19.03

Is Rob Lowe a Vampire? How is he not aging?

19.00

Reminder that Amy has never won an Emmy for playing Leslie Knope and tonight is her last chance.

18.54

Reminder that we should say a little prayer of gratitude to St. Julianne Moore for the fact that there is no mani-cam tonight.

18.53

Maisie Williams looking fabulous in a pink dress with pockets.  We’re not going to be able to handle how she’s going to elevate the eyebrow game on Doctor Who.  It ALREADY has the strongest brow game on TV.

18.50

If Fox cared at all about promoting some of their shows, we’d be seeing these two tonight.

18.48

Mindy, you gorgeous creature. Work that color.

18.48

Joanne Froggatt is our first major misstep fashion wise.  The hair needed to be up with that dress and it’s just an odd dress in general.

 

18.43

Must we talk about the heat with everyone? We get it.  IT’S HOT.

18.40

Gina Rodriguez FINALLY showing some skin and getting EVERYTHING right.  It’s about time, she’s one of the most beautiful women on TV.

18.38

CHRISTINA HENDRICKS OUR QUEEN.  Looking fierce in a studded gown.

18.36

Cat Deeley’s little baby bump.  She is ACTUAL sunshine.

18.35

TARAJI GOT ME IN CHAIIIIIIIIIIINS

18.34

Taraji P. Henson, you fierce bitch.  ACTUAL CHAINS on her dress.

18.32

I don’t understand Heidi’s dress.

18.31

Tituss is looking fab in a forest green tux with a floral bowtie.  We hope he wins.  Also we love him for explaining about Peeno Noir.

 

18.26

Yo, Seacrest. Harry Styles called.  He wants his hairdo back because he looks better in it. And knows that hair and stubble do not match,

18.19

Aubrey Plaza is giving me “Wednesday Addams goes to the prom” in the BEST POSSIBLE WAY.

18.19

Let me get this straight, Intern Ross…are we really analyzing pictures of celebs FROM YOUR PHONE?

18.16

Amy re: Tatiana: “I just tackled her.” We would do the same, TBH.

18.14

Laverne Cox, QUEEN OF THE UNIVERSE.  This is all working, her hair, her dress, her skin, her ATTITUDE.

18.13

TATIANA, SLAY IN THAT WHITE SUIT,

18.12

AMY SCHUMER WHY NO NECKLACE?

22.02

And we are done. THANK YOU JESUS.

22.01

ONE LAST FART. At Candace’s Wedding no less.

22.00

BOB’S WIFE FINALLY DIVORCED HIM.

21.50

HOME STRETCH YOU GUYS. I need a wine refill.

21.48

Sorry actual Steve was WAY HOTTER.

21.46

Bad news from the network!

21.44

And their banner gets covered by a Seinfeld one.

21.40

Honestly, it’s like the casting department didn’t even try.

21.38

“This is what being wildly successful looks like.” I can’t wait for his wife to dump his ass. Please tell me she dumps his ass.

21.36

I imagine they weren’t able to get the rights to “Forever”?

21.34

“I can sponsor you for membership in the Dead Sisters Club.”

21.31

Case and Point about Stamos’ Hair.

21.28

Real Talk: I do feel sorry for the Olsen Twins.

21.27

Everyone is jealous of Mary-Kate and Ashley.

21.26

Note to this movie: John Stamos had a WAY hotter haircut by this point.

21.25

Are they for reals huffing?

21.23

It’s 1993 and we have a new Candace who looks nothing like the previous Candace.

21.19

Sage: NONE OF THEM EVER SAID THEY WISHED THEIR LIFE WAS LIKE FULL HOUSE.

21.16

“My brother thinks I should get closer to God.” Mhhhhhmmmmmm

21.13

The children witnessed this sexualizing of the mannequin.

21.11

“America’s Funniest Sexual Positions”

21.09

PAULA ABDUL.

21.07

It’s good to see that Candace was as neurotic on Full House as she was on Dancing With the Stars.

21.02

My main takeaway from this is that Bob Saget is a horrible human being.

20.57

He totally just did finger guns, y’all.

20.55

AMERICA AMERICA THIS IS YOOOOOOOOOOOU.

20.54

CONTRACT RENEGOTIATION TIME. True Story this is the making of a multi-million dollar empire right here.

20.52

Jodie is having middle child syndrome just like Stephanie.

20.49

I can’t believe Sage and I quit watching quality television for this.

20.48

“We’ll soon have a Full House of our own.” KILL ME.

20.47

FIRST MICHELLE CATCHPHRASE! DRINK!

20.46

WAIT A MINUTE JOHN AND LORI WERE EXES?

20.43

Is there going to be a liaison between Dave and Mama Olsen? You oughtta know.

20.41

Saget really just wants to be taken seriously.

20.38

But really how do any of these actors have any modicum of self respect? This is horrible.

20.37

BOY WEEKEND IN VEGAS.  How else are they going to play three best friends?

20.34

Poor Bob Saget.

20.33

Sage re: Bob Saget (real and fake)

20.32

HORRIBLE GAY JOKES.

20.31

Saget gets on set and already doesn’t want to be here.

20.30

Truth time: didn’t realize they shot the pilot with a different Danny,

20.26

Sorry Dude the Olsen twins were MUCH younger than that when they were cast.

20.25

“What about Paul Reiser?”

“He passed.”

paul

20.24

10 to 1 Candace is going to have some insecurity re: her brother being more famous.

20.22

HOW IS THIS AN ACCEPTABLE CANDACE CAMERON?

20.21

Bob Saget is pretty much a horrible person.

20.21

Rue McLanahan reference, drink!

rue

20.19

“The Cosby show is doing so well right now…”

20.17

Like Satine, Bob Saget just wants to be a real actress.

20.14

Is this seriously the best they could do for John Stamos?

20.14

“Is Alanis Morrissette gonna be in this?”

 

20.11

I haven’t had nearly enough wine for this.

20.09

AND WE ARE LIVE. NONE OF THESE PEOPLE LOOK LIKE THE PEOPLE THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE PLAYING.

20.05

We’re a little behind because we’re celebrating our friendaversary which involved the X-Files Pilot which is a not network standard 48 minutes.  WHOOPS NOT SORRY.

00.17

I’m so mad right now.  GOOD NIGHT EVERYONE.

00.05

TWELVE YEARS. TWELLLLLLVE YEAAAAAAAAAAAARS.

00.04

Gross movie is gross.

23.57

We never thought this day would come, but JULIANNE MOORE HAS AN OSCAR BITCHES.

23.51

EDDIE THANK GOD.

 

23.46

Celebrating pretension makes everyone else feel better about their own pretension. In other words, Birdman is winning shit.

23.44

DID THEY FOR REAL HAVE BEN AFFLECK PRESENT BEST DIRECTOR AFTER SNUBBING HIM?

23.37

This precious kid is desperately trying not to shit his pants for winning for his first screenplay.

23.33

Birdman gets the screenplay Oscar that should have gone to Grand Budapest.

23.23

I loved how genuinely touched Dame Julie Andrews was by that.  Well done, Gaga.

23.17

At least it’s not Carrie Underwood?

23.15

THE SOUND OF MUSIC.

Also Captain Von Trapp is responsible for my sexual awakening.

23.13

Note to Terence Howard, Chris Pine is how you properly emote.

23.06

But really how much does Idina hate John Travolta?

23.02

Gospel Hands for Common and John Legend KILLING IT.

22.49

Terence Howard making sure that you know this is all about him.

22.44

Will I ever stop getting the goosebumps when I see Benny C at a big, Hollywood shindig?

22.38

SING J-HUD, SING!

(Also we super dig this haircut on her)

22.32

Miss you Captain, my Captain.

22.31

This In Memoriam is going to hurt like a bitch.

22.27

Idris Elba though.

22.21

Reminder that woman doesn’t think The Academy has a problem with diversity…

 

22.11

Big Hero 6 takes Animated Feature. The Lego Movie, meanwhile, gets all the Lego Oscars it can carry.

22.03

That was a fantastic performance.

21.57

Meryl’s FUCK YES reaction to that though.

21.54

YAY FOR YOU PATRICIA, I HOPE YOU MEMORIZED YOUR SPEECH.

21.51

Okay it’s time for like…a good montage or another acting award or something.

21.47

YAY FOR WHIPLASH!!!

21.44

NPH looking good and appears to have eaten a few steaks since finishing his run in Hedwig.

21.33

NEVER FORGET that Viola Davis should have an Oscar.

21.28

“Crikey! These are big buggers!”

21.18

EVERYTHING IS AWESOMEEEEEE.

21.17

“Ed Norton! He’s right over there!”

21.14

Good for you for not letting the playoff music stop you, sir!!

21.08

SOBBING OVER THAT PROMO FOR MAD MEN.

REMEMBER THAT SHOW STILL EXISTS, TELEVISION ACADEMY?

21.08

Sage’s mom just texted all her kids saying that “Lost Stars” sounds like a New Radicals song. The lead singer of the New Radicals WROTE that song. Good ear, Rosemary.

21.04

“Did I say ‘pants down’? I meant ‘hands down.'”

21.04

Not digging the goatee, Channing.

20.58

YAS I PICKED GRAND BUDAPEST FOR COSTUMES IN MY OSCAR POOL.

20.57

Julianne Moore is embarrassed by her swag bag.

20.51

ARE WE AAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLL LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOST STAAAAAAAAAAAAAARS?

20.44

DAT SPEECH.

20.42

J.K. Simmons sweeps the whole season. Well done, sir.

20.39

He’s so earnest I love it.

20.37

YAY NEIL!

20.35

THIS IS AMAZING.

20.33

Benedict Cumberbatch is game for LITERALLY ANY BIT. Give him a bit and he will do it.

20.30

NEIL WE ARE READY FOR YOU.

20.15

There’s no way that that’s actually Tim McGraw.

20.06

Ethan, please stay forever. #GentlePirates

20.04

RUFFALO!

19.55

Reese and Robin Roberts shout out the #AskHerMore campaign! Yay, Smart Girls!

19.54

REESE WITHERSPOON FEMINIST HERO.

19.51

Reese Witherspoon’s mom has her priorities in the right place.

19.43

Following the Pratts with Benny Batch was too much for us.

19.42

Sage just had an audible reaction to Chris Pratt.

19.38

The Dakota Johnson interview with Lara Spencer was PAINFUL.

19.24

This Royals show though.

19.08

LUPITA LOOKS LIKE THE INSIDE OF A RICH OLD LADY’S JEWELRY BOX AND I’M HERE FOR IT.

18.58

Felicity looks like Cinderella and we love it.

18.48

Laura Dern looks like a warrior princess.

18.41

WHEN DID DAKOTA JOHNSON LOSE HER ENTIRE PERSONALITY? THIS IS SO UPSETTING.

18.29

ETHAN!!!!!!!!!

Also we saw Before Sunrise on the big screen yesterday and seriously….that man. I think Sage may have a bruise on her leg cause I hit her so much during the screening.

18.24

Maggie just texted me that she spotted Ethan Hawke and I am not at all ready to see him because my loins may explode.

18.20

Yay for Dave Karger calling out Wild being shut out (one of my fave movies of the year) because it’s a LADY driven picture.

18.11

I love that Giuliana has clearly been banished from having ANY interaction with a celebrity.

18.03

I LOVE a good montage but WHERE ARE ALL THE PRETTY DRESSES??

17.54

OKAY FAMOUS PEOPLE IT’S TIME TO GET HERE.

17.47

Anna Kendrick looks fab in a pinky coral with the perfect amount of tasteful underboob.

17.43

Patty’s Gown is totally photo ready for that Oscar.  Gold goes great with Black and White.

17.35

While we wait for the celebs, I’m pondering what Sage and I are going to order for dinner.  Any thoughts?

21.57

We’re confused because there are still 4 minutes left.  WHAT AWARDS SHOW FINISHES WITH 4 MINUTES TO SPARE?

See you at the Oscars!

21.55

Actors gave this award to actors for acting about acting! #SAGception

21.50

GET READY FOR YOUR OSCAR AT LAST JULIANNE MOORE.

Shouting out her Soap Opera Roots and talking about the joy of being with other actors.  She’s killing this.  She’s waited so long for this.  All hail the Queen.

21.40

This probably just cemented the Oscar. Eddie wasn’t expecting this and he shouts out all the people in the running for Best Actor, nominated or not.  Precious sunflower.

21.38

When will the relentless appetite of Downton Abbey be satistifed??

21.33

Look at Rashida and Andy and their glasses.

21.26

Kevin Spacey for House of Cards – another no-show. The SAGS are strugglin’, y’all.

21.25

It was a rough year, you guys.

21.23

Viola is still throwing shade for that New York Times Article and she should NEVER STOP.

21.22

ALL HAIL QUEEN VIOLA.

21.16

Reminder that HammBone is not nominated in this category and that True Detective is a MINI-SERIES NOT A DRAMA.

21.08

Stop name dropping Debbie except DON’T STOP.

21.00

Princess Leia, y’all.

20.56

Still looking for confirmation other than what we can SEE in pictures that Amy Poehler is with child.

IF YOU ARE NOT, WE ARE SORRY AMY WE LOVE YOU.

20.51

Frances is still not amused.

20.43

RUFFALO, WHERE ARE YOU? Step away from your Tumblr and pick up your award.

20.31

Also, next step Oscar, Papa MacGuff.

20.25

No, you know what’s next Patty? A fucking OSCAR.

20.18

Can’t be mad at that many beautiful, funny ladies on one stage. Orange is the New Black takes the Comedy Ensemble award!

20.11

Never seen Shameless, but yay for the Mace.  And I love how happy Felicity was for him.

20.09

And now I’m crying.  Thanks, Uzo.

20.07

YAY UZO but it’s still bullshit they combine supporting and leading performances at the SAGs.

20.03

I always LOVE the opening of the SAG Awards.

19.49

AND JENNIFER ANISTON DENIED THE MANI-CAM TOO.

19.39

Emma Stone owns that menswear game like…

19.29

Maria forcing everyone to do the Mani-Cam, kicking and screaming.

19.27

SNAPS FOR ELLE WOODS.

19.21

Julia Roberts gives no fucks because she’s Julia Roberts.

19.14

Ummmm, guys? Is Amy Poehler announcing another pregnancy here today?

19.07

Keira is pregnant and thus gives no fucks about tight clothes nor taking her shoes off.

We worship her.

19.06

Amanda Peet, I will give you a million dollars to dress like the hot woman that you are.

19.03

Maria needs to STOP AWKWARDLY HUGGING PEOPLE.

19.02

Julianne Moore refuses to do the Mani-Cam. QUEEN.

19.00

We love you, Natalie Dormer.

18.58

What is with all this FLAT HAIR business?

18.45

Not nearly enough people are drunk and happy.

18.37

JLD shaking up her usual look.  Digging the lace.

18.29

Totally forgot Tatiana was nominated until JUST NOW.

18.26

Ethan Hawke, you guys.  My LOOOOOOOOOVE.

18.19

I dig Tony Hale’s Beard.

18.11

No one is there yet, so they are vamping.

18.10

NO GIULIANA YOU GUYS!

18.03

Eddie Redmayne loves Friends and Rachel Green, cementing his perfection.

18.01

Ryan Seacrest, like Naomi Campbell before him, doesn’t get out of bed for the SAG Red Carpet.

23.06

That felt fast and furious.  See you in 2 weeks for the SAGs!  Thanks for reading.

 

23.02

I was a little scared after the Comedy upset, but Boyhood wins.  We’ll have a big discussion about it when we do out post on the Oscar Nominations later this week.

22.59

Redmayne wins the battle of the biopics.

(Also we don’t know what this is from but we’re into it.)

22.51

BUT REALLY REESE SHOULD HAVE WON.

 

22.47

Budapest pulls another upset! There’s no through line. THIS ISN’T HELPING OUR OSCAR POOL.

22.37

OUR EMOTIONS KEATON.

22.33

I mean I hated Birdman but Keaton is great. Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut are we really going to give him an Oscar for making a movie when he is an actor and that is his job? Sorry not sorry.

22.27

This is an upset, but we’re fine with Alice from Luther winning.

22.26

I like to think that Linklater is also winning this for the Before trilogy too.

22.23

Kim: Fuck me, In Memoriam is going to be terrible.

22.17

I COULD NOT BE MORE PROUD TO BE YOUR HUSBAND.

22.15

“You’ve caught the brass ring.”

22.14

HE CALLED HER JULES.

22.13

Oh, we spotted that One Fine Day clip in that package. NEVER FORGET.

22.12

Will legit vote for him when he runs for President.

22.11

DOUG AND CAROL.

22.10

We’re just going to spam Clooney right now.

22.09

I know they are both married but you can’t tell me George and Juliana aren’t a little bit in love.

22.08

DOUG AND CAROL 4EVA.

22.03

“I just want to be better.” Srsly, was there a Awesome Speeches 101 class before the ceremony? Cause people be awesome tonight.

22.00

Now that the Cranst is out of the way and HammBone is STRANGELY NOT NOMINATED, this was a cakewalk for Keiser Soze.

22.00

GUYS GUYS GUYS FOX MULDER. FOX MULDER ON THE GG STAGE.

21.55

Drama series goes to freshmen Showtime drama, The Affair!

21.52

WHAT IS THIS EMOTIONAL MCDONALD’S COMMERCIAL?

21.48

Add Maggie to the list of ladies fucking slaying their speeches.

21.39

DAT SPEECH THOUGH JEFFREY.

21.38

This is the year for erstwhile character actors to be recognized.

21.35

Lily Tomlin and Jane Fonda though.

21.33

Never forget Linklater made School of Rock and it’s amazing.

21.32

GUYS I HATED BIRDMAN AND THIS IS GONNA BE THE LONGEST AWARDS SEASON.

21.28

BABIES.

21.24

And we just tapped our giant wine bottle.  Bad for this blog, good for my board meeting tomorrow.

21.20

Ummmm, Rob Marshall didn’t mash up all those fairy tales. Stephen Sondheim did.

21.19

Well done, Patricia.  You are magnificent.

21.14

Salma Hayek still gets invited to these things?

21.06

I ADORE Emily Blunt, but Amy was fabulous in this role.

21.04

Ricky Gervais, snark and booze as per usu.

LOOK I RHYMED.

21.02

Will Bomer pull down another Globe for his Montgomery Clift next year??

20.51

PRINCE.

20.49

Original Song is invalid because Lost Stars isn’t nominated.  Seriously, people.  Watch Begin Again.

20.43

“To love.”

People be killing it with the speeches.

20.41

Transparent with a HUGE upset.

20.37

CALLED IT BITCHES.

20.34

BENNY LOVES TO PHOTOBOMB.

20.26

Billy Bob takes the Globe and gives a non-speech.

20.26

I can’t believe Renner just commented on JLo’s globes, yet I can.

20.24

Fargo bests True Detective! Youuuuuu betcha.

20.17

Lady Edith is so happy for her though.

20.16

Season 4 was garbage, but Anna is a gorgeous actress.

20.15

SAVE KATE FOX. #ripBenandKate

 

20.13

J.K. Simmons says you could have this Golden Globe…

20.12

SHERLOCK AND RACHEL GREEN.

20.11

“Let’s talk about television.” “I hear we’re out of time.”

20.09

We can’t even keep up this is so awesome.

20.06

NEVER FORGET.

20.05

Now I want cake.

20.03

Amy and Tina are killing it per usual.

20.03

Oprah is sitting in front of Cheryl Strayed. WOMEN.

20.01

If we drank every time the Sony Hack was referenced we would be dead right now.

19.57

Closing this live blog and heading over to our ceremony post. See you there.

19.48

Alan Cumming in a GOLD DAMN SUIT.

19.47

Allison Janney, National Treasure.

19.41

George is terrified right now.

19.40

Also Sage and I made the right call ordering sushi. This is everything.

19.37

If there is not a Joey and Pacey picture by the end of the night, I will burn Utica to the ground.

19.35

Rachel Green everyone.

19.22

Hold please, we are eating.

19.19

GUYS KATHERINE HEIGL JUST SAID SHE HAD A FULLER FIGURE AND I CAN NOT.

19.17

Claire Danes gives no fucks.

19.15

JLo both Lupita and Gwynnie did capes better than you.

19.15

Someone’s into butterflies, I see.

19.11

Giuliana just had a Clooney MELTDOWN. Drink Drink Drink.

19.09

CLOONEY.

19.05

Guiliana talked about Clooney. DRINK!

19.02

HOW is Steve such a stately silver fox??

19.01

Still not over Julianne taking Keira Knightley’s slot in Comedy actress BTW.  WATCH Begin Again people and join me in my rage.

18.59

CRAZY EYES YOU LOOK AMAZING.

18.52

Still not over Chastain.

18.50

JESSICA CHASTAIN WINS EVERYONE ELSE GO HOME.

BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS BOOBS.

18.48

PACEY WITTER, FINE FOR LIFE.

18.48

Tina and Amy are queens in case you didn’t know.

18.45

Fuck all you trolls who drove Lena off Twitter.

18.45

Gratutious Matt Bomer in Magic Mike gif.

18.35

In related news, Sage just got here, which means we have wine now.

18.33

Take a drink everytime Giuliana brings up George Clooney.

18.30

Life long love affair with Ethan Hawke, you guys.

18.24

Gina Rodriguez is so lovely and bubbly and I am certain she is going to win tonight.  Not loving the bottom of her dress, but her face and hair are fantastic.

18.22

Naomi’s snake necklace is mesmerizing.  Love the yellow.

18.16

I wish Hader had done that interview as Stefon.

18.13

Allison Tolman looks SPECTACULAR. Gorgeous dress that flatters her bod, flawless hair, make-up, and jewels. Curvy ladies represent!

18.09

Our love for Brits has NOTHING to do with The Royals, E!.  Nice try.

18.09

Eddie Redmayne is wearing a velvet tux jacket and I’m not mad about it.

18.04

I mean at least Rosamund won’t have any trouble nursing her baby through the show.

18.01

We begin with Ryan and a selfie stick so that is a harbinger for how this will go tonight.

17.54

Pictures of Rosamund Pike’s dress have hit the internets and I CANNOT.

SAGGY BOOBS ARE UNFORGIVABLE.

22.55

And that’s our show!  I still think it’s super awkward to not give the cast a bow.  They worked so hard!

Thanks for joining me!

And one last Walken gif…

22.51

Awkward transition to Minnie Driver.

22.47

SERIOUSLY…please listen to everything Kelli O’Hara has ever done.

22.42

SEE?! They ARE Dany and Drogo!

22.40

Awkward sword fighting.

 

22.35

Borle’s wrists are like half the size of his forearms.  FAKE.

22.32

Me right now, in this last half hour.

22.24

The boat rocking back and forth effect was HILARIOUSLY bad.

22.21

FINALLY more Hook dancing!

22.18

I BELIEVE IN FAIRIES.

 

22.17

Hook be creeping.

22.13

Because I haven’t posted one of these in a while.  This is for you Shannon.

22.12

Yeah, the muscles are definitely fake.  Final call.

22.10

“How can you think of food right now?” “I’m ALWAYS thinking of food.”

#priorities

22.07

The accent going in and out is KILLING ME.

22.04

Mother and Father will adopt you!! Sure they will!

21.57

I hope this girl gets a LOT of offers after this.

21.55

PETER COME ON. ALSO WENDY COME ON, HE’S NOT INTO IT.

21.52

Do I spy SYTYCD’s Alex Fucking Wong in Tiger Lily’s Tribe?

21.51

Just got serious Dany and Khal Drogo vibes from Peter and Tiger Lily.

21.46

“To die would be an awfully big adventure” just makes me think of Hook and now I has sad.

21.40

Farmer’s Tan or Make-Up line for your FAKE MUSCLES, Christian Borle??

FAKE.

21.36

Legit Broadway Singer, Guys.  Thank God.

21.35

Peter and Wendy in this scene.  Wendy is Cher.  Obviously.

21.27

WENDY AND TIGER LILY CAT FIGHT!

21.26

Poor Wendy has no idea just HOW bad a boyfriend Peter is.

21.21

How can the Lost Boys go to school when they have CLEARLY all been to college for musical theatre?

21.17

I have now decided Borle’s muscles are real. HELLO.

21.13

I’m laughing SO hard at Walken.

21.11

Discuss what kind of mother Wendy would be.

21.09

THE END OF HAMLET!

21.06

“Oh what pleasure she’ll bring us…”

HMMM.

21.02

Which one is Rufio?

BANGARANG.

20.57

DYING FOR INTO THE WOODS.

20.56

Walken is killing the dancing.

20.54

I’ve convinced myself that Borle’s muscles are fake.  And now can’t stop trying to figure it out.

 

20.49

Let’s take a moment to appreciate that they cast an actress of Indian Descent as Tiger Lily and NOT Rooney Mara.  #SHADE

20.47

YOU TAP DANCE CHRIS WALKEN!

20.45

Dancing and Singing Pirates!

20.44

OR ARE THOSE MUSCLES FAKE ONES NOW THAT I LOOK?

DISCUSS.

20.42

WHOA.  Who knew Christian Borle had those arms?

20.35

The flying looks pretty spectacular you guys.

20.34

Michael has his priorities in order.

20.33

John and Michael are precious.

20.29

Even when she is computer animated, Tinkerbell is a wonderful bitch.

20.28

I love Wendy’s obsession with Mermaids.

20.24

Williams’ lung capacity is MUCH better when she’s just standing there.

20.21

The REAL question is…how are John and Michael still asleep through all of this?

20.20

Allison is VERY feminine as Peter.  Lesbian subtext becomes not so subtexty.

20.17

Williams seems VERY nervous.  Relax, Gurl.  BREATHE.

20.15

I don’t know how I feel about these British Accents.

20.15

“You mustn’t touch me.”

20.11

I will miss Tinkerbell and her bitchface.  (OOOH…maybe she should have been played by Laura Benanti!)

20.08

SING IT KELLI!

20.05

Is the sound oddly canned to anyone else?

20.04

Mrs. Darling is being played by Kelli O’Hara, who is Audra McDonald, sans Tony Awards.  She’s glorious.  Do yourself a favor and listen to The Bridges of Madison County post-haste.

19.58

T-Minus Three Minutes!

23.01

AND I AM SPENT.  THANKS FOR JOINING ME!!

23.00

“Some part of me will always be Screech.  And you know what? I’m okay with that.”

22.59

“No one wanted to see us grow up.”

22.58

I really need a “Where are they now” montage.

22.56

“Go out there and make them laugh.”

22.54

MARK IS APOLOGIZING TO DUSTIN FOR HIS SUFFERING.

22.53

“Where’s Dustin?”

22.52

Aw, they are graduating and the gang is all back together.

Except Tori.  Fuck her.

22.46

So Dustin’s “friend” is going to betray him unless he gets him a big part on the show and THAT is why they have been friends.

IT IS ALL A LIE.

REMINDER THAT DUSTIN SUFFERED.

22.44

“I hear you’re up for a movie…”

22.43

Dustin has moved on to weed except I thought there was no hope in dope?

22.40

“The girl they cast…to replace us?”

22.38

Tiffani and Elizabeth are leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaving.

To do Showgirls and 90210.  Remember that?

22.35

“Saved By The Bell isn’t going to last forever.”

Guys, shit is getting real.

 

 

22.33

“What’s Saved By The Bell without Zack and Kelly?”

Truth.  Those episodes with Tori SUCKED.

22.32

“Elizabeth has been wanting to do movies for awhile.”

22.31

Now Tiffani and Mark-Paul are drinking and Mark doesn’t appreciate wine.

22.30

“I got wasted and I got laid. Isn’t that what you always wanted?”

22.28

Dustin was drunk at a fan event.

Because he suffers.

22.27

DUSTIN DOESN’T GET TO GO ANYWHERE EXOTIC.

REMINDER THAT HE SUFFERS.

THANKS TO SAGE FOR THIS GIF. I MISS YOU.

22.26

“We can’t keep the kids from growing up.”

22.23

Dustin does some boxing and karate and then drinks from his secret flask.

22.19

I AM NOT SCREECH!!!

22.18

Elizabeth can’t get people to take her seriously because of Jessie you guys.

22.17

Slater’s midriff shirt.

22.12

And we have Dustin’s first vodka from a random straggler drinking on the studio lot.

22.11

IT’S CAFFEINE PILLS, IT’S NOT LIKE SHE’S ADDICTED TO HEROIN.

22.10

YAS THEY DID THE SCENE.

22.07

“Do you think you could introduce me to Mark-Paul?”

*SAD FACE*

22.06

“My first kiss was with Tori Spelling. The beautiful daughter of an important TV producer.”

22.05

“You only had to look at which characters on the show were dating.”

22.01

“If the network doesn’t kill us, the hormones might.”

I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS AND IT WAS WORTH IT.

22.00

CAT FIGHT WITH TIFFANI AND LARK OVER MARK I LOVE IT.

21.59

“WE NEED TO PRACTICE.”

YAS.

21.55

It’s okay, Lark.  Troy Barnes understands about birthdays.

21.54

Mark and Lark were a thing?

21.52

“Next week you’re playing a lady janitor!!”

Reminder that Dustin struggled.

21.48

OH MY GOD DUSTIN’S FANTASY SEQUENCE.

21.48

So Mario was a man whore who made out with groupies and Dustin was jealous.

21.47

“MASH was a comedy.  All in the Family was a comedy.  And they did deeper things”

Cause Saved By The Bell is on that level.

21.45

“I figured after high school, I’d go some place exciting.  But everyone still sees me a sophomore.”

JUST WAIT ELIZABETH.

21.44

I AM MAKING THOUSANDS!!!

DO YOU WANT TO BE GROUNDED AGAIN?

21.43

“They are supposed to be funny and sweet.”

21.39

Now that we’re on commercial let’s take a moment to laugh about the “I don’t know about this Jerry Seinfeld, he’s too Jewish” comment.

21.37

“The show that wouldn’t die got another chance.”

META META

21.34

“ALL THE OTHER KIDS GET TO BE COOL!!!!”

21.33

“In church, they tell us we shouldn’t have pride.”

21.31

The Lark/Lisa is not too shabby though.  Well done, Lifetime.

21.30

We were like REAL teenagers.

UH HUH.

21.29

Is this REALLY the best they could find for Mario Lopez?

21.27

I just told them about my dancing.

21.24

Let’s cry for Dustin cause he had to stay in the locker all the time.

21.19

They keep implying that Mario, Tiffani, and Elizabeth are going to have a threesome OMG.

21.19

“I guess you’re just not blonde enough, kid.”

21.17

LET US AGAIN REMIND YOU THAT DUSTIN DIAMOND’S LIFE IS HARD AND HIS DAD HATES HIM.

21.16

“Dancing is my passion.”

HEE HEE HEE.

21.14

“Maybe we’ll become one of those great comedy teams…”

21.11

Why does that TV Studio look like the offices of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce?

21.06

Reminder that Dustin Diamond has had a really tough life, y’all.

21.04

FIRST TIME OUT AND NOW SCREECH IS TAKING OVER.

“This is MY Story.”

21.01

THESE ACTORS LOOK NOTHING LIKE THE PEOPLE THEY ARE PLAYING.

With the exception of Screech.

20.48

LESS THAN 15 MINUTES.  Me right now:

23.03

OMG THEY FINISHED ON TIME.  Thanks for joining us friends!  T-Minus a month till the TV season!

22.59

And Breaking Bad completes its near sweep of the Drama Category.  Rightfully so!

22.51

Is anyone who works for Modern Family embarrassed about this yet?

22.49

So glad it seems the Emmy Voters aren’t falling for this “True Detective is a DRAMA” bullshit.

22.47

AARON PAUL IS LOSING HIS SHIT AS PER USUAL!!!!!!!!

22.45

Oh hey, I know this chick.

22.42

THIS DOES NOT MAKE UP FOR THE DRAMA SERIES SNUB FOR THE GOOD WIFE BUT IT HELPS. YAY JULIANA!!

 

22.37

A lady writer who’s not sharing the credit with a dude? DO NOT PLAY HER OFF.

22.35

REMEMBER WHEN KATHERINE HEIGL STOLE SANDRA OH’S EMMY???

#neverforget

22.35

Joe Morton won my heart as well as this Emmy when he took Fitz down like twinkly lights after Christmas.

22.32

It’s fine, Vince Gilligan. You’re already the recipient of several Head Over Feels fantasy Emmys for your work here and with a pair of super attractive FBI agents.

22.28

I think we all know why Anna Gunn won two years in a row…

J/K! It’s because she fucking deserved it.

22.20

I don’t know how Billy got through that.  A gentleman and an amazing tribute to his friend.  We love and miss you Robin.

22.15

It’s been a rough year.

22.11

Aaron Paul is the epitome of CLASS you guys.

22.08

KING AARON PAUL.

21.56

I feel like the Tony Awards win every year, as they should.

21.54

Whoa whoa whoa, was NOT expecting Hardwick for a second time this week.

21.46

SARAH SILVERMAN WON, THIS IS GREAT.

21.43

Okay, now can we be shallow about Mark Ruffalo?

21.41

Bravo to Larry Kramer and The Normal Heart.

21.34

HEY HEY HEY, GO TEAM FARGO AGAIN.

21.30

Weird Al is better than you. At any given moment.

21.27

We forever love Jessica Lange for being fucking fabulous.

21.25

Sherlock basically swept that category. Knee caresses for everyone!

21.24

SERIOUSLY, GUYS. HIGH FIVE FOR MARTIN FREEMAN.

21.22

WHAT WHAT WHAT EVERYONE CHECK ON TUMBLR. CAUSE BENEDICT JUST WON.

21.17

We just wish they were doing a “REALLY??” segment.

21.12

Basically, if you’ve got Martin Freeman, you gon win. GO TEAM FARGO.

21.09

AND AN EMMY.

21.04

EMERGENCY WE ARE OUT OF WINE.

21.02

OVER JULIA AND TOLMAN REALLY?

20.59

YOU GUYS SHERLOCK WON. IT WON.

20.50

Cranston doesn’t think he’s gonna win, so he’s just going out like that.

20.49

First, they force Mindy to get up at the buttcrack of dawn just to get snubbed, then they stick her with presenting this C-list category.

20.47

Best Awards Show Makeout Since this:

20.45

Brave face, Amy. BRAVE FACE.

20.38

Oh wow, Jim Parsons wins. What a flerkin’ surprise.

20.33

That WAS a great speech though.  And yay Lady Directors!

 

20.33

Modern Family is going to take everything and Parks and Rec will be snubbed again. S’not okay.

20.31

Hurray for lady directors, but we were pulling for Jodie.

20.22

And the Jackal picks up her second Emmy of the year.  A shame it’s for Mom though.

#ducktieburns

20.18

LOUIE GETS IT AND COULD GET IT.

20.11

Everyone’s rocking the navy tuxes this year. It’s lots of fun.

20.10

We like Ty Burrell just fine and I dig his glasses, but come on, Emmys. Let’s switch it up.

20.09

FLAWLESS MONOLOGUE SETH.

20.09

“TV’s always up.”

20.06

I am just glad Seth and I have the same feelings about the How I Met Your Mother finale.

20.05

“New phone, who dis?”

20.03

Seth calling out dramas submitted as comedies. Ahem.

20.03

“The Emmys are on a Monday in August, which means the Emmys are about to get cancelled.”

#Accurate

20.01

AND HERE WE GO.

19.57

Breaking: Seth and Matthew are wearing the same tux.

#BITCHSTOLEMYLOOK

19.56

Billy Bush trying to be relevant in any possible way.

19.54

Breaking news: 5 years later and 4 years after the trend died, Kelly Osbourne still maintaining that purple hair.

19.51

WE ARE SO CONFUSED BY JON VOIGHT.

Also no one watches your show. #ducktieburn

19.46

You’ll always be Knox Overstreet to us, Josh Charles!

19.46

19.44

We are Bill Masters gazing hungrily at Lizzy Caplan right now.

19.36

WE FORGOT TIM RIGGINS WOULD BE HERE.

#texasforever

19.26

Reminder that JRobs is looking to move halfway to an EGOT tonight.

19.21

Seth’s responses to Giuliana asking him about E! shows…

19.16

Because we can’t use enough Magic Mike gifs, let’s celebrate future Emmy Winner Matt Bomer.

19.12

CHINESE FOOD IS HERE!

19.11

I still think the Leading Actor in a Comedy Category is a fucking JOKE.

19.09

KATE MCKINNON. The reigning Head Over Feels Supporting Actress in a Comedy, by the way. Fucking recognize.

19.06

Matthew in his three piece blue and black tux WINS. Alright, alright, alright.

19.06

Yooooooo I just spotted Dennis Reynolds. And he looks fly.

19.02

“I don’t want to fight with you, Giuliana.” – Sarah Silverman as she adjusts her boobs and shows us the contents of her clutch.

18.59

Add Sarah Silverman to the list of ladies whose boobs we appreciate.

18.57

I don’t understand the craft-project nature of Kerry Washington’s dress.

18.57

So the Clutch Cam is actually a thing and now Heidi Klum is talking about a Twerk Cam.

18.48

JLD! Hey, sexy lady.

YEP. BRINGING IT BACK.

18.40

And we’re here!  All we’ve done so far is comment on people’s boobs so that’s how this night is going to go.

00.06

Between this and a 4 show weekend, I’m ready to pass out!  Thanks for joining us folks!

00.04

12 Years a Slave wins and Steve McQueen’s speech honors all people who have been or are still enslaved. We are spent.

23.58

So Gravity takes all the filmmaking awards, but 12 Years wins picture and all is how it should be.

23.53

What’s happening in Leo’s head right now, tbh:

23.51

Alright, alright, alright.

23.44

Cate Blanchett crazies her way into an Academy Award. Let’s make sure to give Woody Allen zero credit for this, mmmkay?

23.37

Congrats, Alfonso, but I still don’t forgive you for Prisoner of Azkaban.

23.29

Spike Jonze: 10/10, would bang.

23.19

LET IT GOOOOOOOOOO LET IT GO!  CAN’T HOLD IT BACK ANYMORRRRRE!!

John Travolta never bothered us anyway.

23.17

Despite how the Academy and John Travolta attempted to BUTCHER the live performance, “Let It Go” WILL NOT BE STOPPED.

23.08

And thus Goldie Hawn became her character from First Wives Club.

23.01

WORK IT, BETTE.

23.00

My inner 12 year old girl is dying over Bette singing “Wind Beneath My Wings”.

22.47

Let’s discuss the fact that Sydney Bristow and Sherlock Holmes just shared a stage.

22.44

Benedict is on stage at the Oscars and he’s taking it so SERIOUSLY and I LOVE HIM SO MUCH.

22.38

If you had “Pink killing it” on your Oscar Bingo card, YOU WIN.

22.37

I just love Pink you guys.

22.27

Bill Murray just shouted out Harold Ramis.

22.27

I love how JLaw went to TOWN on her pizza.  And how Brad Pitt made his topping preference known: Pepperoni at the Jolie-Pitt household it is.

22.15

LUPITA TAKES IT. Does this mean the Best Picture race has been decided?

22.12

Ellen has been playing it pretty safe, but we’re here for her selfie game.

22.05

Liza has a blue streak in her hair a la Britta Perry

Sorry not Sorry for 2 Britta gifs in a row.

21.59

If the U2 song wins, it’s all due to context. Because that song is a sonic yawn.

21.38

Kerry Washington was really into that pizza idea.  FEED THE PREGNANT WOMAN SOMEONE!

21.34

The Best Live-Action Short goes to one that does NOT star Martin Freeman.

21.32

This is what I did when Kate Hudson walked out in that dress…

Gurrrrrrrrrrl you BROUGHT it.

21.25

I’m so proud of Zef right now.

21.16

FROZEN WINS.  Let’s hope this bodes well for “Let It Go”…

21.03

My friend Zane and I have the exact same ballot in our pool, so it comes down to how long the ceremony will run.  SO PICK UP THE PACE GUYS.

21.00

Catherine Martin, the only artist who gets any recognition for Baz’s movies.

20.54

LUPITA AND MERYL AND AMY DANCING!

20.49

BRAVO on that speech Jared.  Way to start out the show with all my tears.

20.43

Beautiful angel Jordan Catalano takes it home!

20.42

And Jordan Catalano is now an Academy Award Winner.

20.39

Quoth our friend John: “Ellen is cosplaying as the third Doctor.” Yep.  We see it.

20.34

Ellen’s sparkly blazer!

20.09

WHY AREN’T WE TALKING TO CELEBRITIES ABC?

19.56

I will never be over how perfectly ombred Jared Leto’s hair is.

19.26

Cate’s dress is very BritBrit in the “Toxic” video…

19.23

KWash that dress just about makes me forgive you for the SAGs.

19.19

Ryan unaware of Bette’s history as an Academy Award nominee.

19.15

Hai Benedict!

19.15

Sage’s actual reaction to Benedict Cumberbatch on the red carpet.

19.07

Jared Leto and June Squibb looking FAIRLY adorable together on the red carpet.

18.59

Ethan Hawke at like, early ’90s levels of hotness.

18.51

Lupita wins Best Dressed, everyone else go home now.

 

18.49

I mean. Lupita.

18.44

Ryan with the understatement of the century, as he describes 12 Years as “touch to watch.”

18.37

JINX, KIM. YOU OWE ME A COKE.

18.35

Idina is looking regal in green as well. Love that shade on her.

18.34

Idina Menzel in (Elphaba) Green, which is seeming to be the color of the night.

18.17

Viola Davis looking FIERCE in green.  Never forget that she should be an Oscar Winner.

18.12

Got my wine.  Got my cheese dip.  I just don’t have my Sage.  WAAAAAAAAAAAH.

22.09

Another one down folks!  Thanks to Kelly from TV Mouse for sitting silently in the room with me!  And thank YOU for reading!  See you at the Oscars!

22.07

My jaw just hit the floor. Ladies and Gents, we have an Oscar Race between American Hustle and 12 Years a Slave

22.00

The Lady Blanchett.

And yep.  Three out of Four of these Oscar Races are sealed.  It all comes down to Supporting Actress, and to that winner will go Best Picture.

21.49

All right, All right, All right.

Next Stop Oscar.

21.44

BREAKING BAD!!!!!

21.32

Hanks gets stuck with the “In Memoiram” segment.

21.29

As it should be.

21.26

People will never get past their love of the Dowager Countess, even when Anna Gunn deserved it.

21.18

And that dear readers is how you do a lifetime achievement speech.

21.14

Rita doing a victory dance and then promptly cursing.

21.08

Lifetime Achievement to Rita Moreno. So now I’m singing West Side Story, obviously.

20.59

Peggy was robbed.

20.45

Montage on the importance of the Union.

20.39

“We’re going to party now.”

20.35

The comedy categories for SAG are BEYOND boring and lazy.

PARKS AND REC IS THE GREATEST ENSEMBLE ON TV AND YOUR CATEGORY IS INVALID.

20.30

PHIL DUNPHY FINALLY WINS.

And Ty’s speech is FLAWLESS.

20.28

Julia’s speech however is flawless.

20.26

The Comedy Actress Category is INVALID as Amy Poehler is not in it.

20.19

Kerry Washington is presenting which means we have to see her outfit again.

WHY OLIVIA WHY.

20.14

Next Stop…Oscar, Mister Leto.

20.12

20.08

SCREAMING FOR LUPITA.

20.03

I LOVE THESE “AND I’M AN ACTOR” SPEECHES.

20.02

And we begin!

19.57

WE SWITCHED TO TNT JUST IN TIME FOR THIS.

19.52

Emma Thompson is basically in flip flops, except they are definitely Louboutins.

19.50

ONLY TWELVE MINUTES TO GO GUYS.

19.46

ALERT: BENEDICT HAS BEEN SPOTTED ON THE CARPET.

19.43

I do hate how Jen and Ben rarely walk the Red Carpet together.

19.34

ARMPIT VAGINAS.

19.31

I LITERALLY CANNOT WITH WHAT KERRY WASHINGTON IS WEARING.

19.26

Cate Blanchett’s dress is EVERYTHING.

19.19

Prince Aaron Paul. Yeah Bitch.

19.13

Only Matthew can get away with that suit jacket.

19.08

“I feel old and dry tonight.” – Sofia Vergara.

IF SHE IS OLD AND DRY THEN WHAT I AM I?

19.05

It’s all downhill after Jared and Emilia.

18.59

Jordan Catalano and The Khaleesi though.

18.54

Julie Bowen is in orange to match her skin.

18.45

Kelly and I both just shouted “SAWYEEEEEEEEEEEER!!!” at the TV.

18.37

LADY MARY AND HER CLEAVAGE.

18.31

We’re talking fashion again, Giuliana and Kelly? Clearly no one wants to talk to you!

18.24

Vada Sultenfuss looks AMAZING.

18.22

Imma need to drink MUCH more if I am going to endure this dearth of celebrities.

18.20

IT’S 6:19 AND WE HAVE YET TO SEE A CELEBRITY.  WHERE ARE THEY??

18.17

Hey Giuliana, being in one movie doesn’t even make you a MINOR movie star.

Sorry, T-Swift.  You know I love you.

18.13

Shocked by Ariel Winter’s Cleavage.  Isn’t she only 16???

Also, my boobs hurt on her behalf.

18.09

I can’t handle Ross Matthews for 2 hours.

18.06

I love how Seacrest is clearly too important for the SAGs.

17.45

T-Minus 15 minutes.  Let’s all try and figure out what the most cringe worthy thing Giuliana will say on the red carpet.  Remember last year when she called Julie Bowen and Sofia Vergara “The Best Looking Oreo She’d Ever Seen”.

23.02

Cheers to Steve McQueen and 12 Years a Slave. Looks like the Oscars are going to be a 12 Years/American Hustle face-off.

23.00

AND WE MADE IT TO THE END. SEE YOU GUYS AT THE SAGS. We’re spent.

22.53

McConaughey made it happen, just like his mama told him too.

22.49

Cate Blanchett + Vodka = my new OTP.

22.39

Sorry, I loved American Hustle, but Her…well, I’ll let this gif speak for itself.

22.29

LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Beyond classy speech.  You are a gentleman and a scholar.

We’ll never let go.

22.23

Not that we don’t love B-99, but we’re INCREDIBLY shocked.

22.19

This win does not excuse what you did to Prisoner of Azkaban, Alfonso.

NEVER FORGET.

22.12

I know he makes a practice of not going to Awards Shows, but REALLY Woody Allen? Not even showing for the DeMille award?

SIDE EYE.

21.58

JUSTICE SERVED. AMY POEHLER HAS A GOLDEN GLOBE. REPEAT: AMY POEHLER HAS A GOLDEN GLOBE.

21.57

Frozen winning does NOT make up for losing Original Song.

21.51

I was led to believe Cumberbatch would be here. I AM NOT PLEASED.

21.39

NEVER FORGET.

21.36

ANDY SAMBERG, YOU JUST WON A GOLDEN GLOBE, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO NEXT?!

P.S. WE ARE FREAKING OUT

21.29

Emma Thompson is Emma Thompson and Emma Thompson gives no cares. #queen

21.23

Jordan Catalano takes a Golden Globe! Could an Oscar be next? #eatyourheartoutAngelaChase

21.20

Upset about Tatiana and KWash? Us too.

21.10

21.09

HURRAH AMY ADAMS! (will this aid her on the way to an Oscar Nod?)

21.07

Heeeeeeeey RDJ

21.04

KILLING ME WITH THESE WINNERS TONIGHT. #oldpeople

21.01

NOT OVER IT.

20.55

ELSA WAS FUCKING ROBBED.

20.52

But who HASN’T partied on a boat in St. Bart’s with P.Diddy?

20.49

Crying over the real Philomena.

20.43

AW YEAH BREAKING BAD!

20.39

Cranston takes it for the final season of Breaking Bad. But WHY did they sit the Cranst in the cheap seats?

20.37

HONESTLY, Margot Robbie. Have you hit that, Leo?

20.33

WHY IS THIS COMMERCIAL QUOTING THE BEST MONOLOGUE FROM DEAD POETS SOCIETY.

20.28

We can pretend that award was also for Mad Men, right?

20.26

YAY PEGGY OLSEN!!!!!!!!

20.24

Behind the Candelabra wins and no one is shocked.

I’M BORED ALREADY BRING BACK AMY AND TINA.

20.22

Heeeeeeeeeeeey Mark Ruffalo!

20.20

GET OFF THE STAGE JACKIE!

Also Monica Potter wuz robbed.

20.16

Parenthood

At least Monica Potter got that nomination this year.

20.12

Guys, J-Law is AMAZING, but really…are we doing too much too soon?

20.10

“I’m talkin to you, Somali pirates. I am de captain now.”

20.06

FLAWLESS CLOONEY JOKE LADIES!

20.03

Mesmerized by how hot Amy and Tina look.

20.01

AND WE FINISHED SHERLOCK JUST IN TIME AND OMG TINA FEY!

23.14

Final Verdict: That could have been MUCH worse.  And despite our snark, we sincerely hope NBC does something like this again.  West Side Story next Christmas?

22.57

They are hiding behind giant planters?

22.46

EDELWEISS FINALLY.

22.41

My internet is super slow tonight.  Sorry for the lack of updates.  But we HAVE been tweeting!