Unpopular Opinion: I Loved the How I Met Your Mother Finale

Posted by Jaime

Editor’s Note: When Jaime came to us with the idea for this post, I laughed and laughed and laughed some more. “You KNOW how I feel about the HIMYM finale, RIGHT?” It’s been two years and I am STILL angry. True to my word, I’ve never gone back and watched an old episode since the finale aired. (I never did get around to having a bonfire with my DVDs though.) I still quote it and reference it fairly often, but it is always with a sense of melancholy (“Ugh, remember when that show wasn’t dead to me?”).  Needless to say, I was very curious about what Jaime would have to say regarding loving something that I personally find to be indefensible. I may vehemently disagree with him but he raises many points that are valid. YOU DO YOU JAIME. It’s the Head Over Feels philosophy after all. Thank you for your bravery in owning up to this. It actually made me want to watch the show again. 

But I won’t. How can I watch something that no longer exists? 😉 -Kim

It’s been two years since the end of How I Met Your Mother, and I think it’s finally safe to admit it: I loved the finale. Whew! I said it.

Had I come out with this opinion when it first aired, I likely would have received a barrage of angry tweets—but hopefully some of the backlash fires have died down by now, and we can talk about where it worked, where it didn’t, why it was doomed from the get-go, and the idea that while it may not have been the ending that most fans wanted, it was the one that Ted’s story needed.

Why Most Series Finales Stink

Series finales are a dangerous TV tightrope for writers: they have to keep their balance between pleasing the fans and successfully completing their character and story arcs. If they lean too far in one direction, they fail, and either end up with a beloved, pandering mess that betrays the ethos of the entire series, or they end up with a tight storyline that leaves behind an angry mob of devoted watchers. Serving both the fans and the arcs is the trick; the stakes are high—there can only be one finale—and so are the expectations, particularly for shows that have been on for several years.

Every show approaches the conundrum a little differently:

Seinfeld gave fans what they wanted by using the final trial as a way of parading every guest star or catch phrase they’d ever used on the show; at the same time, the trial itself was the direct result of years of the gang’s horrible selfishness. The story demanded that there be consequences for their years of bad behavior, and landing them in jail was narratively perfect.

Parks and Rec dropped all pretenses about caring about serving the series-long storyline arcs when they jumped into the future. From a storytelling perspective, the show absolutely should have ended at the end of season 6 (because, you know, that ending was about the triumph of the entire Parks Department, and everyone within it); instead, it slogged on for another year, and ended with a finale where every character magically lived happily ever after in their own personal paradises. While it was easy to walk away from the series finale in a good mood, the last episode completely abandoned what made the show great: small moments of zaniness in the most mundane of settings.

The Community finale—one of my favorite half-hours of television ever, period—prioritized character arcs over fan service, but respectfully. By constantly asking questions throughout the episode, like Annie’s “If I were a character in a TV show, and I was in my sixth year of community college, at some point, wouldn’t the audience start to feel sorry for me?”, Dan Harmon and Chris McKenna wrote a closing that ultimately got us to want the characters to move on. Where they could have spent the time taking a victory lap through side characters and paintball—*cough, cough*, Community season 4 finale, I’m looking at you—they instead prioritized their character storylines in a way that openly explained why that was the best choice.

Now, on top of the challenge of writing a good series finale, ending a show becomes exponentially more difficult when the entire premise of the show is based on solving specific mysteries for viewers. LOST was based on the implicit promise that we would someday find out exactly what was happening on that damn island. The Fugitive finale set ratings records based on the promise that we would discover the truth about the one-armed man. Arrested Development kept viewers in suspense for three years, promising answers to questions like: was George Sr. innocent? And if so, then who was sabotaging the Bluth family? When fans have been watching one of these “I want answers, dammit” shows for years, the finale has far more gravity (and pressure upon it) than a typical TV show.

So in this context, the HIMYM finale was doomed from the start: forty minutes was never going to be enough time to do right by fans, provide character closure, and deliver the epic romance we’d been waiting nine years for.

Where the HIMYM Finale Worked…

But like I said, I think they gave us the ending Ted’s story needed, and actually did do right by the fans too—so let’s get into all of the reasons behind this opinion. (It’s OK to get a head start on writing angry response tweets if you want to start now.)

Ted’s entire narrative arc was based on a consistent pattern: his heart was constantly pulling him in directions that his head was unwilling to admit he wanted, and the most meaningful moments of the show were interactions of someone pointing out this hypocrisy to him. It started in season one: Ted was in a cab on his way to Robin’s, and his head was literally unable to cope with admitting his feelings for Robin, so he imagined Victoria there, explaining it to him. And while it wasn’t always about Robin—he did, after all, spend a season denying his feelings for Zoey—we did repeatedly see Ted acting on feelings he wasn’t willing to acknowledge, and the members of the gang took turns calling him out on it.

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Five Reasons CBS Needs to Renew Supergirl

Posted by Jaime

Major caveat to this article: I’m not a woman. I don’t pretend to have an intrinsic understanding of what it means to be female in a culture that has prioritized men for…well, ever. But gender equality and justice on TV are important issues to me. These issues are particularly meaningful to me as I’m raising my son—I want him to grow up with a TV landscape with more strong women in it than I did—so I’m writing this post as someone who thinks that superhero TV can, and must, do better, especially when it comes to depicting women as protagonists and role models in the same way it does men.

News came out this week that CBS may have Supergirl on the chopping block for cancellation, and while that’s not a definitive answer on the show’s fate by a long shot, it is cause for concern for fans. Despite the sub-par pilot episode (which made her more Spice Girl than action hero), Supergirl has developed into a complex, rewarding show that also carries symbolism and meaning to its audience, and its cancellation would represent a real loss to the TV landscape.

Supergirl is a major step forward for how women are depicted in TV superhero culture. Sure, there are plenty of strong female characters out there, between Arrow, The Flash, Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. and Agent Carter, but Supergirl is the only present-day powered female that’s a prime-time lead. That’s a big deal, and one that means that the renewal of Supergirl should be considered from a philosophical level as much as it should from a ratings or plot perspective.

There are SO many reasons why CBS should renew Supergirl, but let’s stick with the top five…

5. Because she’s more interesting and flawed than Superman.

Superman’s powers have always been the gold standard for the word “superhero,” but as many have noticed, he’s often the least interesting character in any of his stories. And that’s because good characters, characters that we as an audience care about, have flaws—one might even say good characters are their flaws—and Superman has no discernible flaws whatsoever.

Supergirl, on the other hand, has all of the cool stuff about her cousin, plus plenty of character flaws to boot: she cares what other people think of her; she has trouble standing up to authority; she is perpetually lonely as the only one of her kind (that isn’t evil, anyway); she doesn’t know how to maintain a love life. She’s made of steel, yet somehow, through her flaws, she becomes relatable. She’s an alien, but we get her.

(Batman v Superman just came out, but I haven’t seen it. So maybe Superman is less boring now. I kinda doubt it, but we’ll see.)

In Supergirl, we get to see a Kryptonian that we can care about and relate to. We get to see that life would always be a struggle, even if we had superpowers. So while DC hasn’t announced any plans for a Superman TV series, I can already tell you I would cancel that before giving Supergirl the axe.

4. Because of Cat Grant.

While the Supergirl/Cat Grant relationship started the year as the Dollar-Store version of The Devil Wears Prada, Ms. Grant has since developed into a thoughtful media mogul who continually surprises the audience.

All season long, Cat Grant has struggled with the different sides of forgiveness. We saw that in her relationship with her son, she desperately wants to be forgiven for years of neglect. At the same time, she has an extremely hard time forgiving Supergirl for not being perfect (and, ahem, for almost killing her once). In a show where she could serve as a one-dimensional surrogate for all media (like J. Jonah Jameson in Spider-Man, or Perry White in Superman), she’s instead a character dealing with the very real human problem of not wanting to forgive and seeking forgiveness at the same time.

We also keep getting hints that Cat Grant cares about Kara (Supergirl), but sees the need to push her by being hard on her. Instead of replacing her with Siobhan, she had them work together—which showed us that she’s challenging Kara, not punishing her. When Siobhan betrayed Kara, Ms. Grant stood up for her. And, of course, when she’s alone, Cat Grant knows exactly how to pronounce Kara’s name.

It’s exactly the development we want to see: a Darth Vader who is eventually making his way away from the dark side. TV needs more characters like her.

Yeah…if you could just renew Supergirl, that would be great.

(And CBS: I would be remiss if I didn’t remind you that The Good Wife is ending this year. If you cancel Supergirl, both Cat Grant and Alicia Florrick disappear. There aren’t a lot of shows about career-driven single women, much less good ones. Renew the ones you can.)

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Let’s Clean Out the Old Barn and Put On a Debate! – Scandal Gif-Cap – Pencils Down

Scandal Season 5, Episode 15
“Pencils Down”
Posted by Sage

The Republican primary candidates meet in their first official debate and Scandal drags another character out of the past to join the Democratic race. To the gifs!

“The first gift? Hollis Doyle.” Ironically, Scandal‘s Trump is the only candidate who’s not someone else’s puppet.

“Well yours truly has agreed to host the first Republican debate.” Of COURSE Sally Langston is running this thing. Poor yourself a drink and down it every time Hollis asks her about her menopause.

“Nobody speaks better for Hollis Doyle than Hollis Doyle.”

“Y’all think some little buzzer is gonna stop the truth from tumbling from these jaws?” Olivia wants a light and a buzzer; she thinks Sally will go soft on her favorites.

“I’m pulling Mellie and auctioning off a one-hour exclusive interview with her to your competition.” Olivia is in no mood to play games. She lays down her ultimatum.

“5…4…3…2…” And she gets what she wants.

SUSAN KILLING IT IN DEBATE PREP.

“Is Mellie….?” “Being Mellie? Yes.” Mellie is the Marcia Clark of this election and I’m already furious on her behalf.

“I’m announcing in the morning.” LOOK WHAT THE CAT DRAGGED IN. Hello, Edison aka Broadway’s Norm Lewis.

“You vouched for me on national television, I owe you.” Oh right I forgot about that.

“It’s about time we had our first black president.” “It’s about time we had our first woman president.”

“It’s an addiction.” “Stop talking.” Despite her best efforts to send him packing, David keeps trying to talk to Abby about his gross relationship problems. Maybe she should start keeping a bucket of cold water behind her desk.

“Stop seeing her.” “Which her?” “I don’t care!” If you’re man enough to fuck two women you’re man enough to deal with the consequences bye.

“David needs to come up and hug you, Susan.” Oh TERRIFIC, that won’t be awkward at all.

“We’re offering a product. We’re offering belief.” Frankie Vargas says SI, SE PUEDE!

“To turn out votes we gotta take it to the streets.” Who IS this guy.

It’s Frankie’s brother Alex. Cyrus is not delighted to make his acquaintance.

“He’s knows you’re in charge.” “Yes, but I’m not sure he likes it.” OOH did Cyrus hitch his wagon to a candidate with a BIGGER wagon?

“Smug and arrogant.” “She seems, I don’t know, too smart or something.” Voter focus groups are eating Mellie alive for all the wrong reasons. Dope cat sweater though.

“You’re a know-it-all, Mellie.”

“And now I’m supposed to dumb it down?….Mellie Grant, woman of the people, fine.” Get on our level, you fierce queen.

Quinn is monitoring Jake for Olivia. Liv advances their work to “Plan B.”

“Vanessa Moss? We went to college together at Smith.” Quinn puts on her best pearls, throws a frosted pink gloss over her homicidal tendencies, and cozies up to Jake’s fiance.

“I’m sorry, women?” “He’s got a couple of them, apparently.” Abby accidentally outs David’s field-playing to Susan, unaware that she’s one of the women being played.

“Susan, HEY.” “I’m sorry, what are we talking about?” She starts to lose her focus. NOT NOW, WOMAN.

“Debate prep is for ninnies.” Hollis spends the days before the debate doing his real campaigning: throwing around folksy sayings and showing off at the gun range. The press is hard.

“Lose the bitch face.” Mellie’s bitch face is very dear to me, how dare you.

“Also you need to watch your arms.” “I’m losing less arms.” “Use a little less than that.”

“Did you break your girlfriend?”

“Wedding books. There something you want to tell me?” Quinn is way out of her league with this tail job: she’s not Vanessa’s favorite wedding planning buddy.

Alex Vargas shows up at OPA and says he has dirt on Susan Ross. He’ll give it to Olivia in exchange for dirt on Edison. Dirt on SUSAN, political unicorn?

“We gotta get Mellie out in public before the debate.” To Gettysburger!

“Oh, heavens no, I can wait my turn like anybody else.” Yes, yes, be more vapid Mellie, IT’S WORKING.

“But…Gettysburger’s closed on Sundays.” Annnnnd she’s down, with a huge faux pas.

“IT’S BURGERGATE.” Heh.

“Stop thinking and start doing. FIX IT OLIVIA.” Obviously Mellie’s mistake is Olivia’s problem. That’s what she does, son.

work bitch

Cyrus tries to break the news about Edison to Frankie, but Alex is already on it. Alex is like:

“Are you cheating on me?” OKAY, SO WE’RE DOING THIS.

“It’s just you, only you…I’m not smooth enough to have an affair.” Just…ugh. David, seriously. She fucking knows. She cornered you. And now to LIE? I wanted him to deserve Susan just like I wanted him to deserve Abby before her. Not to play dumb and lose any dignity he has left.

“I must say your voicemail surprised me. There was a note of helplessness. A daughter who needs her daddy to make her boo-boo go away.” Olivia goes to her dad to get advice about Alex’s proposal. And Rowan is right for once.

“I should just take the dirt, right? It’s stupid that I’m even asking.” Yep.

“I brought you here because I’ve already decided to do it.” The job always comes first. And this information could get her candidate elected. It’s not show friends, it’s show business.

“This man has been nothing but nice to you.” “I get that, but.” “But WHAT?” Okay but why do you CARE, Rowan?

“You’d no longer be Robin Hood, Olivia. You’d be…” “You.” Did that not already occur? What have I been watching?

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“Dress has always been my Strongest Suit.” – Maggie’s Red Carpet 2016 Wrap-Up

Posted by Maggie

Another red carpet season with Maggie has come to an end. She’s spent the past month sorting through countless photos of every awards show in existence in order to determine her favorite (and most hated) looks of the season. What did she choose? Read on to find out! (Also, your moms are so proud of you, Marshmallow.) –Kim

FIVE BEST OF THE SEASON

Saoirse Ronan, Oscars

Looking back, Saoirse’s gown picks were a little uneven for me, but there’s no question: This is the best look from anyone all season. Everything about this works: the sparkling emerald-green (and whose heart doesn’t melt at the fact that she chose it to represent Ireland?), the classy and sexy silhouette, the perfectly tousled hair and low-key yet dramatic makeup, even the mismatched earrings. It wasn’t Saoirse’s year to win, but I think we know she’s a contender and she’ll be back.

Kate Bosworth, Golden Globes

I know, I’m like a raccoon, I can’t resist shiny things. But this dress! How does this pink beading with silver accents manage to look understated? I think Kate looks so lovely here and I know people use “old Hollywood glamour” to death, but this look is the epitome of that feeling to me.

Jennifer Garner, Oscars

Well, well, look who came to play. Jen only had one appearance this season and she certainly made it count. There are always so many black gowns on the red carpet, so they’re not always memorable and they don’t always stand out from the crowd, but this one. This one is flawless. You can see the interesting details in photos, it’s not flat, it’s sophisticated and flattering. She looks beautiful and completely at ease. Well done.

Krysten Ritter, Critics Choice Awards

THIS. IS. A. MOMENT. We didn’t cover the Critics Choice Awards (although maybe we should have, you’ll see several looks made it into this post), but Kim was watching and she texted me a picture of this dress “for future reference.” And looking over the season, it was an immediate lock for the Best list. I’ve loved Krysten Ritter for years (Veronica Mars, Apt. 23, anyone?) but I’ve never seen her look like a star before. She commands your attention in this (burgundy? Brown? Who cares what the color is, it’s gorgeous) gown that’s perfectly suited to her statuesque figure, raven hair and pale skin, and I think she styled it perfectly (the rare occasion I approve of no bold lip!). With Jessica Jones, she’s found the role she was always meant to play and I feel confident she has a long career, and many red carpets, ahead of her, which I couldn’t be happier about.

Alicia Vikander, Golden Globes

I know this look is divisive but I loved it on the night and I love it now. I think it’s just out of the box enough without going too far. It’s deceptively simple. The ruffles, the belt, the subtle stripes and the way the skirt moves. It all works for me. Easily my favorite white of the season (and there were A LOT of white gowns, seriously).

FIVE WORST OF THE SEASON

Brie Larson, SAG Awards

This remains one of the most significant bummers of my lifetime. I can’t find anything about this that I like, not even the glacier shade of blue. There’s just so much going on from the twists of fabric to the slash over the bust to the sparkle ties on the side to the slit and can we not even mention the orange luggage strap on the back? No, you’re right, we have to mention it because why. Just why. That’s all I want to know. WHY.

Kate Winslet, Oscars

During one of our many heated discussions about Kate’s style at HOF headquarters this season, Kim insisted that at this point in the game Kate would be choosing fit over flare. And I understood that about her early picks, bored though I was. But look at this, you guys. It makes her gorgeous figure just look… wide? I hate even typing that but this liquid metallic trash bag isn’t flattering, it does nothing for her. It’s just sad.

And you guys know I’m pro-eyeglasses at awards shows (so that, you know, people can see), but you have to straighten them before you walk out on stage. Kate, just like keep an eye on Reese, a real friend would have fixed them for you.

Jennifer Lawrence, Golden Globes

No, absolutely not. Okay, I mean, I like this shade of red. But that’s it. It’s kind of matronly, no? And believe me, it feels weird saying that about a dress with cutouts, but here we are, Dior, are you happy now?? I wish I could see it with her hair down (and maybe not quite that shade of blonde). And whoever tacked on that necklace needs a firm talking to.

Julianne Moore, SAG Awards

When she misses, she really misses. I fully hate this. I could have been convinced to get on board with the color but that fabric just looks so itchy to me and I hate the strap/bandeau/cutouts/weird trim of it all. Hard pass.

Rachel McAdams, Oscars

I don’t think this shade of green is doing her any favors, this (wrinkled!) fabric was a terrible choice, and it just looks cheap. Period.

You thought you could get me with a train, Rachel? Nice try, but I remain unmoved.

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“You are the most devious of creatures.” – Sleepy Hollow Recap – Incommunicado

Sleepy Hollow Season 3, Episode 15
“Incommunicado”

Posted by Kim

#RenewSleepyHollow. That is all. Let’s do this.

#CreepyHollow

A group of middle-aged guys desperately trying to cling to their dreams gather in a garage for band practice. The lead guitarist Kyle abandons their post-punk indie aesthetic in favor of shredding on his guitar. This angers his bandmates and Kyle threatens to pull a Zayn (excuse me, ZAYN), which apparently is a weekly thing. Kyle decides to stay (FOR NOW) and they get back into rehearsing. They barely get their groove on when all the sound suddenly vanishes from the room and a cloud of smoke appears. The cloud dissipates, revealing a woman with long black hair, ghostly white skin, and a terrifying mouth (her look is really keeping with the Japanese Horror movie look of the season). She lets out one HELL of a scream. The men keel over in agony. Blood spatters on the garage windows. I mean, that’s one way of saying she’s not a fan of the post-punk aesthetic, isn’t it?

 

Of course, we know this creature is a Wailing Banshee (even when the witnesses don’t) and quite frankly I’m surprised that it took Sleepy Hollow this long to get to this particular monster. Sophie is one of the first agents on the crime scene. All the victims have had their eardrums ruptured. Being that she’s become such an integral part of the Scooby gang, she calls Abbie into the office immediately when she sees something fishy on the recording of the rehearsal session. She proudly informs Abbie that she made off with the video before anyone else saw it. “You are getting good at this,” Abbie smirks. (STOP FLIRTING WITH HER, SHE IS YOUR DAUGHTER FROM THE FUTURE.) (Yes, I enjoy that theory SO MUCH.) The girls divvy up duties like PROS (seriously, has Sophie always been here? She fits in so seamlessly), with Abbie planning on consulting with Crane while Sophie takes the video to Joenny so they can clean it up and get a better handle on what they are dealing with.

Of course, everything goes to shit when Abbie realizes that The Hidden One has paid Crane a visit, but we’ll get into the in the #WHATTHEDAMNHELL section.

At the Trailer de la Joenny, they a get right to trying to isolate what EXACTLY blew the eardrums of the band members, other than their own music. After trying to isolate the sound to no avail, it FINALLY clicks with Jenny that the creature is a banshee. (Abbie on the phone: Is that the screeching bird woman thing? Jenny: That’s a harpy.) With Abbie occupied by Pandora and The Hidden One, Jenny agrees to take on the banshee. TEAMWORK. Her investigation takes them to an Irish Pub, where Jenny gets advice from her cute pageboy hat wearing bartender buddy Connor. (JOEY’S FACE THOUGH. He’s so jealoussssssss.) While Connor advises that Jenny should just run away from the banshee (smart lad), he does tell her that the Banshee can be killed with ancient iron and that she is clearly lured by a ruckus (which makes sense as to why she was attracted to ZAYN’s Kyle’s shredding). Joe, Jenny, and Sophie make a pit stop at a graveyard to filch some ancient iron and then they drive around in ambulance (nice nod to the fact that Joey is an EMT and not just a tight henley wearing cutie) with the sirens blaring. The Banshee’s cloud of smoke appears and the Scoobies protect themselves with flimsy foam earplugs because that product placement deal with Bose Noise Canceling Earphones fell through at the last-minute. The ear plugs prove don’t do much to stifle the wail, but they work well enough Jenny to be aware enough to check her texts before they pull the trigger on the crossbow. Welp. Abbie needs the banshee alive for reasons I PROMISE I am getting to. The Banshee gets away and Jenny calls Abbie to let her know that this plan to capture it alive is batshit crazy but Abbie gives no fucks because Crane is in danger.

Always check your texts before you kill any monsters, kids.

We’ve been saying it ALL SEASON but MAN the lighting department is killing it. The scene where they lured the Banshee with Beethoven’s 5th Symphony was absolutely GORGEOUS. They manage to capture her (“Who would’ve thought you could hogtie a banshee with an industrial sound blanket and iron cable? It’s always the darnedest things.”) but things go to shit once they bring the Banshee to another beautifully lit warehouse. Joe and Jenny think that it’s an appropriate time to talk about the whole WendiJoe aspect of their relationship and the banshee wrestles free of her sound blanket because they are distracted. Jenny is in SERIOUS trouble and Joey acts on complete instinct and kills the banshee on the spot. “I didn’t have a choice,” He gasps and my heart soars because even when their relationship is fraught, Joey puts Jenny’s life first. Sophie is none too pleased though. “Who’s gonna tell Mills that we knocked off her monster? Hmmm? NOT IT.”

Of course we know that Team Witness has ANOTHER monster at their disposal, so let’s get to WHATTHEDAMNHELL, shall we?

But WHAT would the Banshee think of Zayn’s new record? 4 out of 10 Sandmen. 

#WHATTHEDAMNHELLHollow

Crane is alone in the archives, still trying to crack the logistics of the rune and the connection it forges with Abbie, when he hears the door open. He grins, thinking Abbie has come back for another round of pastry induced foreplay (SERIOUSLY JUST DO IT). “If you do not come bearing cruller…” he starts, but then he looks up and finds not his wife, but the Hidden One, resplendent in another outfit from Demon Anthropologie. RUH-ROH. It seems THO has FINALLY decided to take action rather than sitting around and pouting about how inadequate Pandora is.  “You and the ones you lead have dared to lay a hand on my consort,” he growls, as he supernaturally chokes Crane. (Consort? STFU, I hate you.) “You have all forgotten your place and for that you will pay the ultimate price.” THO demands to know where Abbie is and the way Crane steels himself to protect her at all costs adds years to my life. “You should know I’ve died before,” Crane states, a determined glint in his eye. “I do not fear dying again.” THO continues to threaten Abbie’s life, promising to make her death slow and excruciating, and you actually SEE Crane’s resolve weaken when he thinks about Abbie being in pain, but he holds strong. Suddenly, the rune comes to life, protecting Crane and spreading a blue light all across the room. “Thura,” THO gasps. WHO?

Abbie returns to the Archives only to have the doors blow her back as if electrocuted. She panics and runs through the tunnels trying to find an alternate route that will allow her into the archives; it is there where she encounters Pandora, who just looks bored by the whole thing. “Please lower that ineffectual weapon, Witness,” Pandora drawls, metaphorically filing her nails. “I am not in the mood.” She goes on to tell Abbie that the Emblem of Thura (WHO?) has been activated for the first time in 4000 years. The emblem feeds on the power of the imprisoned so it is getting stronger and stronger thanks to THO’s exceeding amount of Male Privilege. The only way to calm him down? “That would be me,” Pandora states. (OOOOOOKAAAAAAY WHATEVER YOU SAY.) Nothing can penetrate the barrier but Pandora has done it before, surely you can do it again, right? “When I last released him, my box was in tact and my powers were at their peak,” Pandora says innocently (I mean she may as well be batting her eyes).  Oh, so THAT’S where this is headed, isn’t it? Abbie refuses to give Pandora what she wants right away, insisting that they can find another way. Hence the need for bringing in the Banshee alive so Pandora can harness its evil and direct it towards the barrier.

Inside the archives, Crane awakes to THO ineffectually trying to break the barrier, even though he KNOWS he can’t and he’s only making it stronger. (You jag.) Crane is all “Would you STOP you’re going to kill us, you asshole,”  but THO’s need to be the most superior being in the room runs way too deep. (God-Privilege, amirite?) “The emblem’s more powerful than you, isn’t it?” Crane smirks, barely holding back his glee. “And I thought today would bear no fruit.” Crane turns to what he knows best in these situations: his beloved books. THO calls him a nerd because he has a high-school jock mentality. Crane isn’t bovered though. He’s the furthest thing from it actually, as he launches into what is quite possibly my favorite Crane speech of the entire series.

Crane: Listen…Duke Ellington. Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Miles Davis, the artist formerly known as Prince, the political passion of Bob Dylan and Nina Simone, the poetry of Emily Dickinson, Shakespeare’s sonnets, odes by Yeats. The works of Austen, Dostoyevsky, Morrison, Ta-Nehisi Coates. Leonardo Da Vinci, Van Gogh, Frida Kahlo. Picasso! The fearless lens of Diane Arbus, and the sublime squiggle of Charles M. Schulz. What you call pablum is, in fact, inspiration, and it is forged in the enduring soul of humanity. You may know everything.. but you understand nothing.

First of all, Tom Mison, your Shakespearean training is showing. WOULD YOU LET ME LIVE? Second, this is EVERYTHING I love about Ichabod Crane as a hero wrapped up in one beautiful monologue. Much like The Doctor, Ichabod is a character who values the power of wisdom and wit over brute strength. He is a Ravenclaw, through and through. (Abbie and Jenny are Gryffindors, though The Sorting Hat had a hard time with Jenny. Joey is a Hufflepuff. Come at me in the comments if you disagree.) Ichabod will always turn to his brain in times of crisis before he takes any sort of action. It’s the best and most maddening thing about him. REBELLIOUS BOOKWORM INDEED.

THO is not moved by Crane’s rhapsodizing on art. All art is made to worship HIM after all. (You JAG.) He decides to hit Crane where it hurts by going after the REASON he thrives on knowledge. And BOY does he drop a truth bomb. “You’ve always lived to please; to serve…your father, Washington, Jefferson. No room to question your own wants or identity. Even your role as Witness was inherited through your bloodline. That wasn’t a choice. You didn’t know? Your life was mapped out long before you were even born. So, how could you ever be anything more than that boy in the stables, reading books in the dark?”

Um. WUT. I think Crane and I made the same face in that moment. There’s a big difference in being chosen to be a Witness and the fact that it was your destiny, a destiny that has been passed down from generation to generation. The very core of destiny is the fact that it’s unavoidable but for some reason the whole generational thing really seems to punch Crane in the stomach. How many of Ichabod and Abbie’s ancestors has The Hidden One defeated before? It’s a sobering thought. Then, THO lands a final blow. He uses his powers to read all the books in the archives. There is nothing there that will help them defeat the emblem’s prison. In a word, they are pretty fucked. Time for Crane to eat his feelings. ALSO HOW IS THERE NOT A GIF OF THAT? Get it together, gif-making fandom. Crane shows THO the Sumerian Tablet and he confirms that it depicts Crane’s ancestors. “If I am trapped, the Lieutenant is searching for a way to release me.” HIS FAITH IN HER SAVING HIM IS SO UNSHAKABLE, I CAN’T BREATHE. THO scoffs at this, refusing to believe that Pandora would stoop to working with Abbie. “Humor me, bro. How can we help them if they did team up? I don’t want to die today,” Crane says. (Well, he basically says that anyway.) THO admits that if he were to work a spell the same time as Pandora, they might be able to diffuse the barrier. The trick is for them to do it at the same time. Ichabod admits that the psychic connection the Emblem provides has been intermittent at best, so there is no way that they can guarantee a sync. “The cuneiform alphabet you used to translate it is 600 years too young,” THO admits. Crane smirks and extends his pen. TIME TO GET TO WORK, BRO.

Back in the tunnels, Abbie and Company are pondering what they are going to do now that they have a dead banshee on their hands. “We need another monster,” Pandora says, looking straight at Joey. You actually SEE the moment it clicks for him…it’s like he’s been waiting for someone to bring it up ever since the banshee died. Abbie and Jenny blanch at this option, but bless Joey’s pure Hufflepuff soul…he KNOWS this is the only way they will be able to get to Crane before THO’s Privilege blows them all to pieces. “What will happen to me?” he asks in a small voice. (BABY.) He may die he may not, who the hell knows? “Will it be gone forever?” (LET ME LOVE YOU JOEY.) Maybe, maybe not. Joey decides that the slim chance that Pandora’s spell will draw the Wendigo out of him forever is worth the risk, both for him and for his future with Jenny. Screw the whole potentially dying thing. Joe Corbin is IN. BLESS.

 

Abbie goes all mama bear on Pandora, basically saying that she’s going to END HER if Joe dies. Joe and Jenny share an Empire Strikes Back moment that I’ll discuss in much more detail later. It’s go time. Joey loses his shirt because the showrunners know we’ve been begging to see Zach’s pecs since NYCC and he steps inside the mystic circle Pandora has set up. He HAS to stay in the circle for Pandora to be able to harness the magic. Joey transforms and immediately fights against the circle. Pandora doesn’t try very hard to contain him and is basically like “Welp. That didn’t work. Guess we should kill him,” which raises red flags ERRYWHERE. Jenny manages to get WendiJoe to get back into the circle because LOVE WINS ALWAYS and Pandora gets to work. She is able to harness WendiJoe’s POWER and you can see how the spell is torturing him, physically separating the Wendigo for his Human Self. It’s awful. Finally Pandora gets to her endgame. “I can harness the power of the beast, but I can not direct it with precision. The Box, Abbie. Any fragments that you have in your possession…I need them now.” Abbie is all BITCH I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’VE BEEN PLAYING ME THE WHOLE TIME AND NOW IT’S SUPER AWKWARD BECAUSE JOE’S LIFE IS AT STAKE AND I HAVE TO GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT. But really…who didn’t see this coming? Abbie definitely did…but she did it anyway because deep down she knows that she and Crane can beat Pandora, even with her box. She still reserves her right to be pissed off though.

Pandora claims she has no secret motive and she’s so earnest in that moment, I almost believe her. Shannyn Sossamon has been turning in one HELL of a performance this season and she takes it to the next level when she admits Pandora’s deepest darkest secret. “It’s my fault,” she confesses.  “All of it. My love’s entrapment. Then, and now. It was I who told the human servants long ago of the Emblem’s power. To make them feel safe in our alliance. I never thought they would use it against him. But they did. I walked the earth 4,000 years, trying to release him from their imprisonment…only to err again. Because I knew you had it. I knew you had the Emblem, and I did not tell him.”

My question is…WHY didn’t Pandora tell him about the Emblem? BECAUSE SHE’S BEEN LOOKING TO END HIM THIS WHOLE TIME, THAT’S WHY. Pandora says it herself. She is the most devious of all creatures. So why is she keeping a secret this monumental from the one she loves, from the one she’s walked the Earth 4000 years for? Because she wants to be her own windkeeper, that’s why. She can play up the sob story to Abbie and Jenny for all its worth, but those are crocodile tears my friends. What Pandora isn’t counting on in that moment is the fact that Crane and THO have opened up the psychic connection and are watching this shit go down. “She KNEW,” THO snarls. Pandora, you in danger, gurl.

Abbie turns over their shards of Pandora’s box because when it comes down to it, like Crane, she will always choose one of her friends’ lives over a short-sighted victory. The box gives Pandora the energy she needs to harness the spell and the barrier is broken. Joey collapses to the ground, still alive, thankfully. Is the Wendigo actually gone? IT BETTER BE.

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“In the end, we all fruit.” – The Timelessness of My Big Fat Greek Wedding

Posted by Kim and Sage

In 2002, a little movie called My Big Fat Greek Wedding surprised the HELL out of Hollywood by becoming the 5th highest grossing film of the year. The other four films to make that list? Spider-ManThe Two Towers. The abomination that was Star Wars, Episode II: Attack of the ClonesHarry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. How did a little independent romantic/family comedy manage to crack the ranks of blockbuster franchises? Honestly, I think Hollywood is STILL scratching their heads at that one. But I think it’s because movie-goers deserve more credit that the studios give them. MBFGW is one of those special movies that manages to grab the hearts of the public at large without even intending to. It’s such a special movie with so much heart and snappy dialogue and a story that appeals to EVERYONE. Sixteen years, Nia Vardalos and company are attempting to capture the magic with My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2, so Sage and I thought it was a perfect time to look at the original and attempt to dissect why it worked so well the first time. Time will tell if the sequel will capture the hearts of the public, but the original will ALWAYS remain special in my heart because it made me believe in the power of quality over sparkle. Not that MBFGW isn’t sparkly…because my God, it still dazzles ME always. – Kim

1) A 30-year-old Heroine Who Comes of Age

What makes MBFGW stand out in the sea of Romantic Comedies is the fact that Toula isn’t a 20-something Type-A high-strung gal who works in advertising or at a magazine. She’s not clumsy because it’s cute and she’s not bemoaning the fact that she hasn’t met “the one” so she can start having babies. She’s 30 years old and she just wants MORE out of her life. She’s always been the dutiful daughter, giving everything to her family without sparing a thought for herself, because that is what is expected of her. What makes Toula a magical romantic comedy heroine is that she decides to take charge of her life and she does it for HERSELF. She doesn’t enroll in classes so she can meet a man, she does it so she can expand her horizons. She doesn’t start taking pride in her appearance to snag a man, she does it so her outside reflects the confidence she has found inside. Of course, given that this is a movie, she DOES find the man of her dreams, but that was never her end goal. She wanted a different life and she made it happen for herself. Hero. – Kim

2) A Charming AF Leading Man

If we’re talking Carrie Bradshaw, I will argue Mr. Big until I am blue in the face. But that’s no shade to the lovely John Corbett, so perfect here as Toula’s first (?) and best boyfriend. When Ian first sees the new and improved Toula, she’s working away in her aunt’s travel agency, buzzing from one task to the next. She’s killing it and she knows it. And he smiles, because he sees this light inside her.

From that moment on, Ian is the perfect guy. This isn’t a rom com in the sense that some 11th hour misunderstanding threatens to break the couple up. Ian Miller (“Xeno with big, long hairs on top of his head.”) is a manifestation of a dream come true: a mate who becomes enchanted at the exact time Toula is feeling herself the most; a low-maintenance suitor who endures mortifying family insanity with a smile (okay, partly because he secretly loves it); and the dreamy guy who hints to Toula that, given the chance, he probably would have fallen in love with the grandma glasses version of her too. (“I don’t remember Frump Girl, but I remember you.”) Ian Millers of the world, show yourselves. I just want to spend a little tiiiiimmmme…with you. -Sage

3) It’s an Ensemble Full of Fully Defined Characters

The comparisons to Moonstruck run rampant when you talk about MBFGW but where I see the biggest similarity is in how the ensemble is built. Much like Loretta’s sprawling Italian-American family in Moonstruck, much of the appeal in MBFGW lies in the Portakalos family and all its distinct and sharply drawn characters. They all walk the VERY fine line of being a caricature as each family member has their defining trait (Gus and his devotion to his culture, Maria’s mama-bear attitude, Nikki’s brazenness, Nick’s dumb beefcake) but they never feel like one because all of the actors play their roles with such dedication. Everyone feels REAL. Everyone gets a moment to shine. It’s the true definition of ensemble. These kind of ensembles are so rare and that’s what makes this film so special.  – Kim

4) Andrea Martin Is FLAWLESS

Andrea Martin is a comedic treasure, and I have a sneaking suspicion that Aunt Voula and I could really cause some trouble together at Portakalos family events. At the very least, Aunt Voula is the kind of relative you want on your side. She and Maria work Gus over like they’ve done it a million times before (“Tell me what to say, but don’t tell me what to say.”), paving the way for Toula to escape her drab daily existence. Always dressed to the nines, Aunt Voula appoints herself Portakalos ambassador to the Millers, putting them at ease with tales of her medical woes. (“Inside the lump he found teeth and a spinal cord.”) She doesn’t even mind that Ian is the first vegetarian to marry into her clan. (“It’s okay. It’s okay, I make lamb.”) Andrea Martin is the seasoned comedienne of this cast, and she brings it. -Sage

5) Best Product Placement EVER. 

There is product placement and there is PRODUCT PLACEMENT. So often, blatant product placement makes me cringe. “Hey, let me drive you somewhere in this Ford Fiesta. Aren’t the seats comfortable? They are genuine leather.” GAG ME. Gus and his devotion to Windex as a cure-all are the exact opposite of cringe inducing product placement. It’s the rare kind of product promotion that feels completely organic and in character. It’s so ridiculous that it works. It’s a spectacular running gag that culminates in Ian using Windex to get rid of a wedding day zit. I may have never TESTED the Windex theory, but damnit if I don’t believe it. That, my friends, is how you successfully shill something. – Kim

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“How do the big dogs sleep?” – Scandal Gif-Cap – I See You

Scandal Season 5, Episode 14
“I See You”

Posted by Kim

This week on Scandal, an unexpected figure from seasons past returns to stir up some shit, Mellie and Susan are sexually harassed by said figure, Liv and Huck do some spying, and Abby makes a power move. It’s all so dirty and twisted, I immediately needed to shower aka this was a fantastic episode. TO THE GIFS.

We open with an awkward family dinner with Jake, Vanessa, Rowan, and Olivia. Olivia killing it with the fake laughter.

Meanwhile, Quinn and Charlie break into Vanessa’s apartment to install cameras. 

“Superstitious AND sentimental.” Liv is DYING.

“Jake…he just thinks the world of you.” DOES HE VANESSA? I mean I certainly hope so considering that bedroom scene last week.

“The sister I never had.” AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Okay, this meeting with Vanessa was clearly staged, right? It’s too much of a meet cute to be real, even on TV.

“I see you, Vanessa Moss.” BUT WHAT DO YOU SEE?

Sally is calling Frankie a two face for deciding to run for President after he swore not to. 

“Cyrus running Vargas? Who put that idea in your head?” Cy’s assistant tries to play innocent but fails.

“You think the Press Secretary has time to bring coffee?” Abby meets with Quinn and neither of them have coffee, which is terrible.

Abby asks Quinn to look into Cyrus for her. 

“She’s not stalking, she’s focusing.” Liv has been glued to the surveillance cameras since they’ve been installed like she’s binge watching the latest season of Daredevil.

“Keep pretend running OPA, Quinn.” Abby may as well have patted her head. BUT QUINN REALLY IS RUNNING OPA THOUGH.

Huck and Marcus bond as they watch Javi’s soccer game. Welp. Their spying reveals that Kim has a new boyfriend.

“Please tell me you’re not taking that meeting.” Liv warns Mellie against a meeting with SOMEONE.

“I don’t think he’s the devil, I KNOW he’s the devil.” Okay, whoever this is, it’s NOT a good thing.

HOLLIS DOYLE. SEASON TWO REALNESS. And yes, he IS the devil.

Huck asks Charlie if he recognizes Kim’s new boyfriend. They decide he is this guy named Six Toes and he’s actually using Kim and Javi to get to Huck.

“If  he finds you, he’s not gonna get even by just cutting off your toes.” So the only answer is for Huck to get to him first. I’m sure this will end great.

“I CAN SEE IT IN YOUR HIPS.” Mellie’s FACE when Hollis starts being a lecherous pig though.

“You’re leaner and meaner.” I NEED A SHOWER.

“You gonna put out for me, Mellie Grant?” I need to go through a purification ritual after this scene.

“See how far up her skirt SHE’S willing to let me go.” Hollis threatens to take his money and support to Susan by continuing to be a disgusting pig. I hate everything.

“The man’s a disease. I’m not letting him infect Susan.” That may be the one pure thing Fitz has said EVER. It was bound to happen I guess.

“You were right. Cyrus Beene is cheating on the President.” 

“I’m in bed with two different women… literally.” “And we’re done here.” Let’s have a moment of silence for David and Abby’s relationship. 

“One is horrible, wicked, cruel, possibly an actual witch. The other is a wonderful person.” David, you forgot to say that your diamond shoes are too tight.

“A presidential campaign is a marathon.” Liv is not at all freaking out about Hollis not giving Mellie any support.

So Jake and Vanessa are getting it on in her hallway and then JAKE LOOKS RIGHT INTO THE CAMERA STARING INTO OLIVIA’S SOUL. 

“Show’s over.” Jake shows up at Liv’s apartment bearing all the cameras.

“This is pathetic. Low.” 

“I want to know why you chose her.” 

“You walked away from him over and over, time after time, because you knew in your gut, you knew if you said yes, he’d own you, he’d consume you, he’d be no different than your father, but over time, Fitz manipulated you. He made you feel like… Like you owed him. It’s what he does best. You knew that more than anyone, and you still fell for it.” Dropping truth bombs ERRYWHERE.

“Man, that has got to turn your world upside down, to go from being the smartest person in the room to the biggest fool… to realize you’re just another textbook example of daddy issues, played out on a national stage.” Where is the lie though?

“Your girlfriends aren’t girlfriends. They’re marks. Nothing you do is real.”

“Vanessa likes Hugh Grant movies, she reads Vogue and takes multivitamins. But, Liv, that is precisely what I want.”

“Did you pretend that you were her? Did you get off when she got off?”

“I thought his fifteen minutes were up.” Cyrus plays dumb when Abby questions him about the Vargas campaign.

“What other governor have you spoken to 27 times over the past 2 weeks?” ABBY DID HER HOMEWORK THOUGH.

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“Never underestimate the power of a natural bond.” – Sleepy Hollow Recap – Into the Wild

sophie abbie danny

Sleepy Hollow Season 3, Episode 14
“Into the Wild”
Posted by Sage

Good morrow, Sleepyheads. Is everyone having fun on the bubble?

Just for funsies, I was looking back at some of our season two recaps. It was a dark time: a love triangle was brewing that would have turned the Mills sisters (soulmates, protectors) into sniping stereotypes; Lyndie Greenwood and Orlando Jones were both being slighted in favor of Blond-Beard; and against all odds and our wishes, the show was still trying to make Katrina happen.

Sleepy Hollow has been sweatin’, endeavoring to retroactively earn that season three pick-up. So we find ourselves back on the “could go either way” section of TV Line’s renewal report card. But THIS time, my friends, a strong case has been made. (Betsy Ross aside, and it seems like she’s been shelved anyway.)

As a Crane-light episode, “Into the Wild” is low on the ‘shippy scale. (At least the ICHABBIE ‘shippy scale, so mull THAT over.) But this hour made up for that in other areas. Let’s move on to the rankings.

#CreepyHollow

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Danny is leading a weekend-long FBI survival training exercise, and Abbie is raring to go. First of all, she sees the value in an activity that can take her mind off the symbol that’s been occupying her; and secondly, she knows she’s about to school everyone because what are the upstate New York woods to millennia-old Sumerian catacombs? The sitcom set-up moment comes when Abbie and Sophie realize they’re on a team (yay!), but that one of their teammates is out with appendicitis. (Danny, what did you DO?) Daniel “I can’t take a hint” Reynolds volunteers to be the ladies’ third. (I KNOW WHAT I SAID.) Sans cell phones, Sophie, Abbie, and Danny head off with their wilderness guide, Robbie Malone. Oh, Robbie. I wish you hadn’t said your name, because now I know you dead.

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Sophie and Abbie bond (more on that later); Abbie mocks Danny’s inability to read a map. It’s all normal Sleepy Hollow forest stuff until it becomes normal Sleepy Hollow forest stuff. Danny and Robbie spot an ancient well; the enclosure freshly broken “from within.” Cool. They note the Dutch markings in the stone framing the drop, but neither knows how to read it. Robbie takes photos to send to the rangers, you know, so some unassuming golden retriever doesn’t chase a squirrel and end up plummeting 30 feet into this a creepy Dutch pit filled with wooden shoes, or whatever. Neither Robbie or Danny seem particularly fussed that something BROKE OUT of this sealed well, and they don’t bother telling the ladies.

Which is Robbie’s loss, because he’s our victim this evening. Another triumph of the effects department stalks and attacks the guide, sinking its teeth into him like a vampire. The Verslinder is on par with the Tooth Fairy, my other pick for the most pants-shittingly scary creature of season three. It’s like a White Walker made of worms. That’s the best I can do.

Sophie and Abbie knock the creature back before it can finish Robbie off, but the guide is already badly hurt. Danny conveniently shows back up after the altercation is over (they tell him the suspect is a coyote) and puts his boss hat on. Sophie tends to Robbie while Danny and Abbie earn their medical badges by constructing a woodland stretcher for the wounded. Add “reads Dutch” to the list of reasons I’m glad Sophie’s around. She translates from the photos on Robbie’s camera, naming the beast: the Verslinder, “One Who Devours.”

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Robbie’s cell phone is broken; they’re miles from help. Abbie lets Sophie in on her plan to stay back and look for the Verslinder while Sophie and Danny go ahead with Robbie. (How well can you possibly know this woman, Danny? A rest? She’s in better shape than the rest of the trainees – AND YOU – combined.) While she waits, Abbie’s mind wanders back to the catacombs, to her symbol, and the time she nearly let Crane die. The monster can sense the emo coursing through her veins and so it attacks. Abbie’s ready with Robbie’s knife and cuts off the beast’s arm. It regenerates before her eyes. (Cause worms can do that, y’all. SCIENCE.) Sophie reappears just as Abbie’s plan to singlehandedly rid the Sleepy Hollow wilderness of one more ancient demon backfires impressively. Again, the ladies send the Verslinder off to lick (ugh) its wounds. Now, Abbie’s hopeful that they have some time to figure out what they’re dealing with.

verslinder

Danny’s extreme aversion to danger kept him away from the second Verslinder duel too, but he’s just in time to join the ladies and Robbie to find shelter. (To the commenter who asked me to lay off Danny: I’m sorry, I physically cannot.) The Swiss Family Reynolds sets up shop in an abandoned cabin that coincidentally has nothing of import inside EXCEPT the centuries-old diary that will tell them everything they need to know to defeat their supernatural foe. How fortuitous. Sophie found the handwritten memoirs of a Dutch trapper, one Christopher Dan Pierre, by tearing up the floorboards in one of the bedrooms. (Is that part of FBI survivalist training or just being a bad house guest?) Christopher and his brother Thomas were hired by a nearby village to rid their woods of a monster. With no clear method of killing a regenerating entity (the Daleks: “RIGHT?”), the brothers decide to lock the Verslinder away. Thomas was bit by the creature in the process of entombing it in the well, and it’s long-dead Christopher’s duty to report via diary that his brother did NOT “expire.” Abbie and Sophie are nursing a zombie. A zombie with professional-grade timing.

Danny had already charged out of the cabin to get help in a scene that reminded me of that Jack McFarland quote, “Is that a huff? I think I’ll leave in it,” so it’s ladies v. supernatural Dutch monster yet again. They put Robbie back to sleep and Abbie assesses that he hasn’t completely transformed yet. There’s still a chance to save him. Sophie jokingly throws out “antibiotics” as a solution to the worst case of worms anyone’s ever seen, but Abbie’s wheels start a-spinning. She gets her Rachel Ray on and starts mixing up a 30-minute zombie cure. (If Abbie didn’t need food, water, or sleep in the catacombs, why did she need medicine? And was there even any organic material there to make it from?) Now all they need is “a delivery system.” Annnnnnnnnd I’m going to leave it here for now.

Eighth grade earthworm dissection flashbacks. 9/10 Sandmen for Creepy.

#SassyHollow

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So on the same day that Kim and I are invited to Witness Brunch, we’re also tagging along with the Mills sisters in whatever physical activity they choose. Not to participate, of course. Just to watch them embarrass mansplaining gym-goers just by being themselves.

That was the money shot, of course, but there was a lot of other stuff happening at the climbing gym. Jenny knows about the symbol and Abbie’s ride on the struggle bus. They chat about it casually (so casually that Abbie sneaks in a complaint about Crane’s Netflix obsession), proving that by opening up to Crane, Abbie pulled off the band-aid and now comfortably shares the burden. These are their lives now; there’s no point in compartmentalizing the normal and the supernatural.  Nor is there value in pretending everything’s okay when Abbie’s state of mind could put the people she loves in danger. When 3/4 of your crew has personally experienced demonic possession, why let shame win the day?

Abbie switches gears to Jenny’s commitment-phobia, joyfully poking fun at her sister’s enraged reaction to Joey’s well-intentioned over-step, that new trailer. (“Didn’t it come with a white-picket fence?”) Give me the missing scene where Joe asks Abbie what he did wrong and Abbie’s like, “Just ask me first next time, dude. I still know my sister better than you.” The thing is, the Mills sisters can laugh about his fuck-up because neither one of them doubts that Master Corbin is A) a really good person, and B) deadass crazy about Jenny. Contrast Joe with the patronizing guy who macks on Abbie by assuming she doesn’t know what she’s doing. (“It can be difficult.) STOP TEACHING THIS TECHNIQUE IN STRAIGHT BOY SCHOOL, IT DOESN’T WORK.

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Speaking of Joenny, Joe’s girlfriend isn’t letting Mr. Steer The Boat off the hook for replacing her entire HOUSE. But hey, Joe didn’t fall in love with Jenny because he wanted some soft, submissive thing. He was drawn to her independence, adventurousness, and ability to disarm a man twice her size. They’re the white hat Bonnie and Clyde, and Joe wouldn’t have it any other way. Still, I hope she never lets him live this down.

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Maybe this part of the recap ought to be in Shippy, but you know what? This is my blog and I am hella confused about Danny and Abbie right now. I don’t buy for one hot second that Danny didn’t somehow arrange for him to be in Abbie’s exercise team, and I don’t think Abbie did either. He stares directly at Abbie even though he’s pretending to ask if the set-up is “good with everyone.” (I don’t mean that he GAVE Ramirez appendicitis, but like, he could have reconfigured his personnel.) I do think his character suffered for the show wanting to keep him in the dark about the supernatural nature of their little wilderness problem. But I am still giving myself permission to be irritated by his response to Abbie’s attempt to “clear the air.” When Danny’s controlling the conversation, all he wants to DO is talk about personal shit with her. Now that Abbie’s “steering the boat,” he can’t take it.

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Honestly, Danny? MAKE UP YOUR MIND. This petulance isn’t going to get you laid. When Abbie leads, she LEADS. She does what needs to be done, she utilizes her teammates (in this case, Sophie), and she doesn’t throw away any time grandstanding about being in charge. Danny literally gave a speech about his duty to the mission and all it did was waste daylight. (“You don’t get it, I’m in charge. If someone’s hurt, I get help. If someone’s in trouble, I save them.”) When Abbie doesn’t respond to his advances by leaping into his arms, Danny calls “frigid.” He could learn a few things from Abbie’s cold response to rock-climbing guy. Accusing Abbie of selfishness? Of not doing her job? What exactly is he trying to accomplish?  He’s starting to talk about Abbie like an “asset” instead of a person. And while WE know that’s what she is to him, Danny would probably prefer if she didn’t just yet.

Do you ever miss Frank Irving so much your bones ache? 5/10 Donut Holes for Sass.

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