Welcome, Rose Lovers! As our resident Bachelorette newbie Maggie is on vacation (WE MISS YOU MARSHMALLOW!) this week, our friend and psuedo-Newbie Kelsey will be filling in for the thrilling conclusion of Monday’s episode! Previously on The Bachelorette, Evan got a rose and nobody knows why. Everyone hates Chian and Evan ran crying to Chris Harrison about it. Let’s get to it!
Kelsey: Chian’s apology. “We’ve settled things.”
Kim: AKA “I’m not at all sorry and I make good television, so the producers aren’t kicking me off the show just yet.
Kelsey: Of course Wells is the voice of reason. I forgot he was here.
Kim: That’s because he doesn’t have his a capella group with him. WEENIE.
Kelsey: I do think Chian’s a time bomb.
Kim: Oh, most definitely he is. Now it’s just a matter of whether or not the producers will push him to his breaking point for ratings.
Kelsey: Of course Chian greets her at the door.
Kim: Wow, it’s almost like one of the producers made sure that would happen.
Kelsey: I think every season there’s a week where they cancel the cocktail party and have a pool party instead. It’s always a shit show. Someone is always too drunk.
Kim: My favorite thing is how they always present the pool party as if it were a spontaneous decision instead of something meticulously planned.
Kelsey: Ok the guy cannonballs with a suit, but then keeps wearing the suit?
Kim: Barney Stinson would have a HEART ATTACK.
Kelsey: Of course the promos make it seem like Evan is bleeding from a fight.
Kim: How this franchise manipulates the viewers 101. JUST ONCE I would love for something that they TEASE to actually HAPPEN.
Kelsey: Whoa Jordan and JoJo moment. He’s totally going to at least hometowns.
Kim: No, my friend. This one’s going to the FINALS.
Kelsey: “I’m not sure Jordan is into me the way I’m into him” Okaaaaaaaay, JoJo. Get the fuck out.
Kim: She’s trying to manufacture SOME modicum of suspense with this relationship. Or she genuinely IS questioning it because she’s THAT into him.
Kelsey: I do enjoy how much more casual and laid back people are during the pool parties.
Kim: They are lulled into a more relaxed existence and forget they are on a reality show. That’s when the fireworks happen. Or should.
Kelsey: I’m glad JoJo is addressing Chian being so disrespectful during the group date. I do agree. But seriously, I don’t know what JoJo likes about Evan because he’s back to feeling like a weird uncle in my mind.
Kim: Look, the problem with Chian is that he has ZERO filter for his inner monologue. You can’t TELL ME that at LEAST half the guys on that group date felt the same thing about Evan getting the rose. But they all kept their mouths shut. And agreed, gotta love that JoJo is taking no shit from him.
Kelsey: Chian watching Jojo kiss Derek feeling fucking weird. It’s weird how he’s trying to listen in on EVERYONE’S conversation. Get out.
Kelsey: Chad pulling Derek aside and it is fucking heated. I’m not even sure who Derek is, but I’m a bit scared he’s going to get the shit beat out of him.
Kim: I’ve been saying from the beginning that Derek has a bit of John Krasinski face. So imagine my delight when I was scrolling through the Twitter tag during the episode and saw people saying “JIM FROM THE OFFICE IS ABOUT TO GET HIS ASS KICKED.”
Kelsey: I actually have some respect for Derek coming out of that, but WHAT THE FUCK ON CHIAN CALLING DEREK OUT ON WATCHING THE SHOW?! Chian can’t watch it because he works? Like, I’m sorry, this doesn’t air Mondays at 10 AM. It’s not the Price is Right.
Kim: Excuse me, Kelsey, but TPIR airs at 11 AM. Let’s Make a Deal airs at 10 AM. I know this because I am unemployed.
Kelsey: Ben (Kelsey’s fella): “Chad’s tie is a going home tie. Skinny knot, wide collar. Bro, up your tie game.”
Kim: This interests me greatly. I am going to need a full-on analysis of everyone’s tie from now on, Ben.
Kelsey: ” Did you only bring one white shirt, Chad?” Ben disapproves of Chian’s look, to say the least.
Kim: Everything looks weird on him because he’s TOO LARGE.
Kelsey: Wait. Who is James F? I’ve never seen him before.
Kim: They need to keep James F around so they can refer to James Taylor as James Taylor for as long as possible. Without James F, James Taylor is just James and where is the fun in that.
Kelsey: Ben: “This dude (Robby) has his suit and tie game on.”
Kim: Too bad it’s highly likely that he’s a serial killer.
Kelsey: Oh Wells, you delicate flower.
Kelsey: Yay sparkles on JoJo’s dress.
Kim: Maggie would approve. ALSO GRANT IS WEARING BRACES AND LOOKING FIIIIIIIINE THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Kelsey: Aw Alex.
Kim: The Smol Marine lives to see another day!
Kelsey: Who is left at this point without a rose? Christian, Ali Eyebrows, Chian.
Kim: And Santa Nick. We all know how this is going to end and it’s not with Christian, Ali, or Nick.
Kelsey: Of fucking course.
Kelsey: Aw. Purest Christian. Goodbye.
Kim: Christian, we know you stalk these recaps. HIIIIIII PRECIOUS CINNAMON ROLL. Hope you keep reading.
Kelsey: I don’t get Evan’s navy suit on black shirt? No thanks.
Kim: He is the wooooooorst.
Kelsey: Wait. They came to Pennsylvania. What. Boring, ABC.
Kim: Not just Pennsylvania. PITTSBURGH. (Sorry, Sage.) Keep living large, Bachelor Nation.
Kelsey: I should have gone to hang out with them.
Kim: What a missed opportunity.
Kelsey: “I can’t wait for the day when Jojo sees the man Chad is” You mean when she sees his dick?
Kelsey: I’m still mourning Christian. So pure.
Kim: LBR, he was too good for this nonsense. He’s better off. Until he joins Bachelor in Paradise. DON’T DO IT CHRISTIAN.
Kelsey: “My name’s the only one on the date card, that means I’m getting a one on one.” Such insight, Luke.
Kim: He smart.
Kelsey: “How hot do we want it?”
Kim: Eyeroll. LEARN BETTER ENTENDRE.
Kelsey: Also this is just like Ben and Lauren’s hot tub time in the middle of nowhere.
Kim: WHY IS THIS A THING?
Kelsey: “I want to see Luke take his shirt off, oh my god, he’s in impeccable shape” Wasn’t the pool party yesterday?
Kim: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Clearly she was too busy focusing on others? *coughJordancough*
Kelsey: Hot tub is too hot. Time to grab JoJo’s ass!
Kim: Also, I HATE her swimsuit.
Kelsey: Luke seems like a simple man. Maybe kind of dumb.
Kim: Oh my GOD, Kelsey, you’re making me do this. I have to.
Kelsey: Ben affirms that he’s stupid. “I’m happy that you’re hot and that I want to fuck you and I’m happy that I’m still here” (this was Ben pretending to be Luke)
Kim: I mean…where’s the lie?
Kelsey: “Season of life” Ew Luke no.
Kim: I swear to GOD, they give all the contestants a manual of phrases they have to say on camera.
Kelsey: The more I see of Luke the more unattractive I find him.
Kim: He’s kind of dead behind the eyes? IDK there’s something missing with him. He’s kind of lifeless.
Kelsey: Ew ew stop with the strawberries JoJo. Ew. I can’t watch.
Kim: There is only one person who is allowed to eat fruit seductively.
Kelsey: “I think she’s saving me for last.” Weird positivity from Chad.
Kim: His over-inflated sense of self ASTOUNDS me.
Kelsey: Love the Chad/Bear mashup. THEN HE SAYS CHAD BEAR.
Kim: The sad/hilarious thing is I don’t think he was fed that line.
Kelsey: Whoa Alex did you just hate on Wells? Who could have a problem with Wells?
Kim: I mean he IS the geeky choir kid and Alex is the smol but beefy ROTC kid so…
Kelsey: Grant, you delicate flower.
Kim: I’m still not over the braces. BRING THEM BACK. WEAR THEM ALL THE TIME.
Kelsey: Oh my god. Chad/Alex 2 on 1!!!!!!
Kim: I am so alive right now.
Kelsey: “This is for America.” Oh Jordan. If you weren’t so beautiful, I’d hate you for that comment.
Kelsey: JoJo and Luke’s dinner. “You have a very relaxed confidence” It’s because there’s nothing in his head. It’s a very relaxed mind.
Kim: There is NOTHING going on up there. I’m sure he’s very nice though. He poses pensively outside of barns.
Kelsey: Luke describing his college/army experience: he sounds like he’s trying to tell you about a movie he saw and can’t remember the name of.
Kim: AHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU’RE RIGHT.
Kelsey: For the record, I support our troops.
Kelsey: Luke is so dull.
Kim: I’M BORED.
Kelsey: “I’m an emotional person” “You are?” Thank you JoJo, that’s what America is thinking.
Kelsey: No one could send him home at this point.
Kim: Just give him the rose so we can get to the group date.
Kelsey: It’s his face. It’s expressionless.
Kim: NOTHING GOING ON BEHIND THE EYES.
Kelsey: He’s so monotone talking about falling in love.
Kelsey: The crowd cheered more for Luke and JoJo than they did for the band.
Kim: I’m amused at how everyone was clearly directed to have their cellphones out and filming.
Kelsey: I can’t tell if this is a country band or a contemporary Christian worship band. Coin toss.
Kim: Country Worship Band. Done.
Kelsey: Football date. Every season they go to a sports arena. Never that great to watch.
Kim: MEN DOING MANLY MEN THINGS.
Kelsey: TESTOSTERONE. (I should interject here and note that Sean Lowe was the first season I ever watched of this franchise.)
Kelsey: Thank god Chian isn’t on this date. I do think he’d beat the shit out of guys for fun.
Kim: Not gonna lie, I would have loved to have seen what he would have done on this date.
Kelsey: Ben and I laughed out loud seeing James taped up with blood down his face.
Kim: I love that he was like “I AM FINE DON’T MAKE ME LEAVE THIS DATE.” Dude, you actually need stitches. Is JoJo worth having a literal scar on your face?
Kelsey: HOUSE SO AWKWARD. LUKE. CHAD. ALEX.
Kim: Luke for real wishes he was dead right now. This is amazing.
Kelsey: “The only way I can get you to shut your mouth is to hit you” Chad knowledge bomb.
Kim: But sure, he doesn’t have anger issues.
Kelsey: Chad’s confidence that he’s going to end up with JoJo at the end of this is interesting.
Kim: C’mon, Kelsey. This Toxic Male is a CATCH.
Kelsey: Ben: “What the fuck?!” Ben: “That guy.” This was Ben’ s reaction to Evan’s sweatband.
Kelsey: Wells is like the little brother who your mom makes you bring with you to the mall with your friends.
Kelsey: Evan & the bloody nose. Do you watch HIMYM? Do you remember Randy? Whose nose bled whenever he got an erection?
Kim: I would say yes, of course I remember, but that show is dead to me. I can’t believe I made a Barney Stinson reference earlier in this post.
Kelsey: I don’t want you guys to murder me literally, but I see a little Louis in Evan with the sweatband. Don’t murder me please.
Kim: You don’t have to worry about ME murdering you. Louis will take care of that himself. GET OUT. TAKE IT BACK.
Kelsey: Robby. Who are you?
Kim: Listen, the intensity of his “feelings” for his freaks me out. How much one on one time have you SPENT with her, bro? How can you ALREADY be dropping the L-word????
Kelsey: Are they about to fuck on the pool table????
Kim: I’m having flashes of Ross and Phoebe on the pool table.
Kelsey: “You know, he’s a man.” Well, yes, I assumed.
Kim: Well this either escalated VERY quickly or there is a LOT they aren’t showing us because they are building the dark horse narrative for him. Hmmmm.
Kelsey: “I feel like there’s something in Robby that’s going to blow me away.” *insert sex joke*
Kim: Hoe, don’t do it.
Kelsey: I love Jordan. It’s hard to recap her time with him other than I just love him.
Kim: Okay, I was in CVS the other day and one of the headlines on US Weekly was “JoJo was WARNED about Jordan.” So now I’m scared. It’s taking everything I have to not run to Reality Steve for the spoilers.
Kelsey: ROSE FOR JORDAN.
Kim: I love how the other dudes act shocked as if they didn’t see that coming.
Kelsey: His “yeah” was so nonchalant.
Kim: Because he knows he’s got this thing in the bag.
Kelsey: Luke asking Chian that if he went home, what would be the reason. “That’s a stupid question.”
I’ve never liked Chian, but I loved him in that moment.
Kim: Listen, he may be the devil but I LOVE how he calls out bullshit. As a TV Character anyway. IRL, I would want to die if I had to spend any time with him.
Kelsey: Ok God. Alex wearing American flag socks. On one hand, I want a pair. On the other, it seems like ABC bought those for him.
Kim: Oh, they most definitely did. Anything to remind the audience that Smol is an American Hero.
Kelsey: Chian enters the room. Room is silent. I can feel the awkward.
Kim: I ALMOST feel bad for him? And then he opens his mouth. And threatens to beat Jordan up after the show is done. Okay. But REMEMBER he is not a violent person.
Kelsey: I love how much they’re playing up good vs evil for Chian and Alex.
Kim: I’m surprised they didn’t bust out with David vs Goliath. You know. Because Alex is smol.
Kelsey: I hope they both go home. Alex’s outfit sucks. His shirt is way too small.
Kim: I also wasn’t a fan of tucking his pants into his boots.
Kelsey: “I’m a smaller guy, but I got some fight in me” Of course you do, Alex, honey. Grandma loves you.
Kim: Scrappy smol Marine is scrappy. Also MY GOD this whole thing is AWKWARD AS FUCK.
Kelsey: How much luxury real estate is in Oklahoma?
Kim: You are asking the important questions, Kelsey.
Kelsey: Chian licking his lips after he said he’ll take Alex’s teeth home is fucking terrifying.
Kim: He’s this close to saying he’ll enjoy Alex’s liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti.
Kelsey: I think JoJo is only going to send Chian home because she found out that he threatened Jordan.
Kim: Seriously. The way her WHOLE BODY changed when Alex said that JORDAN was threatened. Be more obvious, bb.
Kelsey: JoJo is like blowing up Chian’s ego. His smirk!
Kim: BUILD HIM UP BEFORE YOU TEAR HIM DOWN YAS.
Kelsey: “I’m not an aggressive guy” Ok, Chad.
Kim: If he thinks he’s not aggressive, I would LOVE to see what his ACTUAL definition of an aggressive guy is.
Kelsey: “I don’t know what to tell you at this point” Chian, passively admitting he’s threatened guys.
Kim: Her FACE. She’s still not over him threatening Jordan.
Kelsey: Chian litters in the woods. Send him home.
Kim: Only you can prevent forest fires.
Kelsey: JoJo crying about Chian’s mom. “Maybe he’s just struggling!” You can’t fix him, honey.
Kim: As someone who has LIVED the whole “My Love Will Heal Him” business, I can tell you unequivocally that only works in the movies.
Kelsey: Chian whistling in the woods as he walks up to murder Alex. This is better than a movie.
Kim: I’m excited and scared.
Kelsey: But he lays down. That’s how Dora fights. She lies on her back and then bites Mira’s neck.
Kim: It’s more terrifying that he DOESN’T start wailing on him. Cause Alex has to live in fear of the moment that he could START.
Kelsey: “It’s unfortunate that I can’t hurt you right now without getting in trouble.”
Kim: WOW. (Okay, but he’s playing this up right? I can’t genuinely believe the Producers would have left him on the show if they thought he was actually going to start hitting people. …Right?)
Kelsey: Alex doesn’t like milk. Maggie wouldn’t approve.
Kim: NOT AT ALL.
Kelsey: Kind of scared for JoJo’s safety if she sends Chian home. He might murder her.
Kim: I mean SOMEONE is getting murdered.
Kelsey: “It’s not 100% false.” Chian, trying not to admit that he’s threatened every person in this house.
Kim: I love how he acts like wanting to punch people is a normal person’s reaction to a disagreement.
Kelsey: BYE CHIAN.
Kim: I mean, abandoning him in the woods is almost as good as leaving him on an island.
Kelsey: All the boys rejoice that Chian leaves. Aw. Solidarity. POP THE CHAMPAGNE.
Kim: I thoroughly enjoyed luggage guy’s sense of drama.
Kelsey: The whistling in the woods is so fucking terrifying.
Kim: Is he whistling “Heigh-Ho”? Thanks for giving me nightmares, Chian.
Kelsey: Oh my GOD he’s at the house.
Kim: LISTEN. Him appearing at the door and stretching his arms down the glass is fucking terrifying.
Kelsey: “I was expecting a reasonable action from an unreasonable man.” Jim describing Dwight Schrute or Chase describing Chian in the previews.
Kim: I can’t believe we have to wait two weeks to see what happens.
Who exactly is Chian going to murder? Is Jordan going to win this whole thing? Let us know in the comments.