Previously on The Bachelorette, the house united in their hatred of Chian and then rejoiced when the Smol Marine triumphed over him in the 2-on-1 date. Chian stomped through the woods and then showed up at the house, raking his hands down the glass door like a serial killer. Previously on these recaps, Kelsey made the fatal mistake of comparing Evan to Headband Louis Tomlinson…a mistake we will never forgive her for. Let’s get right to it.
Maggie: I’m really interested to see an episode with Alex not getting to focus on Chian the whole time.What is he even going to talk about??
Kim: Seriously. Do we know ANYTHING about Alex other than the fact that he likes to fixate on others?
Maggie: Ohh I forgot about James Taylor’s face.
Kim: THIS SHOW HAS BEEN GONE FOR SO LONG, MAGGIE. Side note: How much do you think it’s going to drive him crazy from now until the end of time that he’s basically going to spend the rest of the season with that black eye from the football date?
Maggie: It was fading fast though, wasn’t it? But I don’t like looking at his face so I could be wrong.
Kim: It seemed pretty prominent to me for most of the episode. I bet he’s proud of it though. It’s like THIS IS HOW MUCH I LOVE JOJO.
Kelsey: James Taylor is so fucking cute. I don’t know how you guys don’t see it.
Maggie: His schtick is exhausting and makes me throw up in my mouth.
Maggie: A FUNERAL. MEN ARE SO DRAMATIC.
Kelsey: James T playing the music of their hearts. Oh my god, they’re spreading his protein ashes. Oh my god.
Kim: SCATTERING HIS PROTEIN POWDER AS IF IT WERE HIS ASHES. Food shaming Chian till the very end. Also protein powder is expensive, so this feels exceedingly petty. Like the brownie debacle on Top Model.
Maggie: SO PETTY. But also those poor boys have nothing to do to entertain themselves. Remember the Jojo jo jo jo jo jo jo jo jo song?
Kim: I wish I didn’t.
Maggie: Maybe Wells can stay if he’s going to keep saying things like “death to tyrants”.
Kim: You know that Wells has been waiting to say that IRL ever since he discovered Game of Thrones.
Maggie: I LOVE JORDAN.
Kelsey: Oh Jordan, trying to mediate. You delicate little flower. It’s not going to work.
Kim: I love how Jordan is trying to be all civilized with Chian whilst Evan is in the background demanding that Chian whip out his wallet and pay for the shirt he tore two episodes ago. LET IT GOOOOOOOOOOO. Unless that was like a $500 t-shirt.
Maggie: Never mind, Wells can’t stay if he’s going to say stuff like “you can have a choice of saying ‘whatever’.”
Kim: What even does that mean, Wells? WEENIE.
Maggie: Canadian vampire eating his cereal in the background and no one’s food shaming him.
Kelsey: Canadian vampire is soft, eating his Cheerios, letting the grim reaper into the house.
Kim: They only food shame when it comes to plain cold cuts and raw sweet potatoes, okay? They don’t shame carbs. They are like the opposite of Atkins dieters.
Maggie: I imagine this is Alex’s reaction every time he sees someone on the internet refer to him as smol Marine.
Kim: Accurate. (Also bless the fan that actually had the stones to call Louis a smol. HE’S 5’9″ OKAY?!) (No, he’s not.)
Maggie: The fan said “oh my god you are such a small bean” which just kill me that’s so cute.
Kim: The smollest of beans.
Maggie: You know I love me some sparkles but Jojo’s dress is tackyyyyy, right?
Kim: The cutouts are weirdly placed? And the way the sequins are going back and forth make it all look oddly scaly? Basically, you’re right.
Maggie: Chase is such a fakeout Jordan, GO AWAY GIVE ME JORDAN.
Kelsey: What are these things Chase brought? It just seems awkward.
Kim: Okay…but I DON’T UNDERSTAND THE GIANT BALLS? WHY? WHERE DID THEY COME FROM? WHY IS THAT HOW YOU CHOSE TO SPEND YOUR ONE ON ONE TIME? WAS THIS AN ODE TO MICHAEL SCOTT AND “BEACH GAMES”? ARE THE GIANT BALLS OFFERED AS A FUN ACTIVITY AT THIS RANDOM ASS RESORT IN PENNSYLVANIA AND THEY HAD TO ADVERTISE IT? I JUST WANT TO KNOW.
Maggie: I couldn’t even acknowledge that was happening.
Kim: Like SHE IS IN A LONG SLINKY DRESS. How did they think this would be fun?
Maggie: Robby’s aesthetic is so SPECIFIC.
Kim: Serial Killer specific. He has a serious case of crazy eyes.
Kelsey: Robby. Every time I see your face I don’t remember you. He’s quite flamboyant I think. “Can I have a kiss?” “Thank you for your time.”
Maggie: Robby’s clothes don’t fit him well enough, he’s not gay.
Maggie: I’m surprised Evan didn’t stand on a chair shouting “DADDY MADE OUT WITH JOJO”.
Kim: I still can’t believe those are actual words that came out of his mouth. WHO SAYS SHIT LIKE THAT TO THEIR KIDS? Even it’s not directly TO them, the intent was there.
Kelsey: Evan quipping about “Has he kissed her?”HAS ANYONE NOT KISSED HER? But really… is anyone tracking that?
Maggie: NO NOT A POEM.
Kim: Who ACTUALLY writes poetry? NO ONE. I mean people THINK they do but you don’t ACTUALLY write poetry. Sorry all you would-be poets. There is NOTHING that makes me cringe more than an awkward love poem which is REALLY a Hail Mary pass for a rose, let’s be real. The ONLY one who got away with the love poems that didn’t make me want to die was Ryan of Trista and Ryan.
Maggie: Did you feel that way at the time or is it because they’ve lasted?
Kim: I felt that way at the time. I was ALL about the sensitive firefighter.
Maggie: Yeah, that ticks a lot of boxes for me, personally.
Maggie: Okay as cringe-y as I found that poem, Alex just got one on one time like let the man poetry okay?
Kelsey: Alex interrupting, ugh, you suck, I don’t like you.
Kim: A big pet peeve of mine is guys that HAVE roses trying to take away time from guys who haven’t gotten to spend much time with her. Like, slow your roll here, Smol, you’re already coming back next week.
Maggie: It’s not cool.
Kim: It’s not. STICK TO THE CODE OF HONOR. Smol should know something about that, being a Marine and all. Instead he’s all trying to assert his dominance over everyone because he’s smol. You know, I loathe to agree with Chian, but Chian is pretty on the money about him.
Maggie: He really is tiny. He’s like the same height as JoJo, I think she’s in heels? But she’s tiny.
Maggie: I love that they’re verbalizing that they need a common enemy.
Kim: THEY DO. All of the guys started turning on each other the MOMENT Chian was out of the house. It’s not pretty.
*Jordan pushes JoJo up against a wall and snogs the living daylights out of her*
Maggie: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT OKAY INTO IT THAT WAS HOT.
Kim: OH MY GOD SHOVING HER UP AGAINST THE WALL JORDAN. JESUS. I need to go change my clothes.
Maggie: SO FUCKING HOT.
Kim: I felt that in my lady parts. Also like…mad props for doing it with all the guys on the other side of the wall so they needed to be quiet. That’s like one of my favorite fan fic kinks.
Maggie: I’ve not been a fan of James F or Vinny but they seem pretty harmless tonight, am I going to feel things when they get sent home?
Kim: That depends on how moved you were by James F’s poem.
Maggie: I was unmoved.
Kim: Then you won’t feel a thing.
Kelsey: Oh Vinny is still here? LOL WHY.
Maggie: WHO EVEN IS DEREK? (JK I know who he is at this point I just don’t caaaaaaaaaaare)
Kelsey: Derek. I remember so little about you.
Kim: Literally the only thing I remember about him is that he is Faux-Jim Halpert.
Kelsey: And the roses go to…Robby (I think he comes out in ten years), Chase (Again, you’re just a less cute Jordan), Wells (shock of a lifetime), Grant (Delicate flower, so handsome and kind), Vinny (are you fucking serious?), James T (my man. GET YO SELF SOME)…One rose left. CMON JAMES F. I DON’T KNOW YOU BUT I LIKE YOU BETTER THAN EVAN OR DAMN DANIEL.
Maggie: But if Evan goes home now then he gets to blame the other guys for turning into mini Chians and not himself for being gross.
Kim: I think it’s EXACTLY why he’ll get a rose. He’ll go home in the NEXT ceremony but this ceremony is all about the weenies triumphing over Chian.
Maggie: “I feel like my heart is on blast” is that what he said?? What is that?
Kim: Is he from the 1950’s?
Maggie: No reason to keep Canadian vampire around, they don’t need a friend for Chian anymore.
Kim: My FAVORITE thing about the Vampire’s exit was that he acknowledged he has ZERO personality.
Kelsey: “She was obviously going for personality, and clearly my personality is shit.”
Kim: He’s like “If this were about looks, I would win.” HA. No. In your dreams, Vampire.
Maggie: That’s pretty cold to send James F home after the whole poem thing but also, I get it, so I don’t know.
Kim: Like I said…that poem was a Hail Mary pass because he KNEW he was on the chopping block. We never saw him spend any time with her, he rarely got any camera time, IDK why he’s remotely surprised.
Kim: I could only think of Pierce Hawthorne when they said they were off to Uruguay. Oh, Community. I miss you.
Kelsey: Uruguay, I’m jealous.
Maggie: I wonder how humid it is in Uruguay. This is my primary vacationing concern, I’m not even kidding. I could never appear on camera in a humid climate without like a crack team taking care of me. Sorry for the tangent.
Kim: No, it’s is a legitimate concern. No one wants to end up with Monica’s Barbados hair.
Maggie: Listen, all these dudes are talking about situations created by the producers, not Jordan. Calm. DOWN.
Kelsey: God do they all hate him now. Do they really think he’s a bad guy?
Kim: No, they know that he’s clearly her favorite and therefore they are threatened. It is AMAZING how quickly they turned on him once Chian was out of the picture. Also…this is Jordan’s first one on one? IT’S TIME. After getting the group date rose, this was to be expected.
Kelsey: “Why does he get to go on a date when he already gets roses from her?” -Vinny, such insight.
Kim: Does he not get the point of the show?
Kelsey: Oh my god, the boys and the magazines and the simultaneous HAIRCUTS. It’s like the hair salon scene in Legally Blonde.
Maggie: “Guys love gossip.” Vinny can stay.
Kim: Wow, these guys get tabloids with JoJo splashed on the cover. Looks good. Feels organic.
Maggie: You don’t just get these magazines, producers slip them to you, I’M JUST SAYING.
Kim: IT IS SO TRANSPARENT.
Maggie: These guys are all going to go home singing the hit song Alone In My Principles. SHEESH. RELAX.
Kim: All the faux outrage though. SHE MAY NOT BE HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.
Kelsey: Ok, wait, JoJo met a girl who Jordan dated? And we’re just finding this out? Whattttt. Wait this is so fucking awkward.
Kim: This ALSO feels totally organic. *Sips Tea*
Maggie: Didn’t Jordan already cover this during one of their get vulnerable talks?
Maggie: Okay, I know I’m fully not objective here, but Jordan is handling this really well, yes?
Kim: IDK his body language got REAL defensive to me. He’s trying to hide that he’s pissed off. And admittedly, I would feel a little like WHY ARE YOU DIGGING UP INFO ON ME AND REACHING OUT TO EXES BEHIND MY BACK? It’s like she did some social media stalking and is now trying to trap him because she knows the answer already.
Kelsey: “Was there cheating?” “No.” So quick!
Kim: Which obviously makes me think there were some shenanigans.
Kelsey: This is so fucking awkward.
Maggie: I thought it was awkward as shit to bring up, like SURE JoJo meets everyone from Jake Pavelka to Jordan’s ex, Dallas is super happening, the producers had nothing to do with this, but he handled it FINE. Whatever, my bias is showing, I don’t caaaaaaaare.
Kelsey: “I don’t think anything could take away this feeling” – JoJo “I want to show you something” -The producer
Kim: This is SUCH a Quinn move. Like, I can SEE her salivating in the control room. WATCH UNREAL YOU GUYS IT’S SO REAL.
Maggie: They’re showing it to you, JoJo, because they made sure all the guys saw it. SO NATURAL.
Kelsey: “JoJo is only doing The Bachelorette for publicity reasons”… like what’s JoJo’s angle? Is she an aspiring model or something? Nah. I don’t buy it.
Maggie: I feel bad, she seems genuinely upset (although the tears aren’t actually falling yet?)
Kim: I feel bad for her too. Tabloids are SO SHITTY. And are lies 99% of the time, designed to go along with a pre-determined narrative to get attention/ratings. So part of me wonders if she knew this was coming and the other part thinks this was all to get a reaction out of her and this is genuine.
Maggie: I like how it’s InTouch and not even like US Weekly.
Kim: In Touch was really the first tabloid to get all up The Bachelor Franchise’s asshole. I remember when it first launched (I AM OLD) and people from The Bachelor were on the cover ALL THE TIME. The others caught on, of course, but I forever believe that InTouch has a nice little agreement with the show.
Maggie: That makes me more sure the show got the story in the mag then.
Kim: It’s hilariously fitting that her ex’s name is CHAD.
Kelsey: Summary: all Chads are bad Chads.
Maggie: WE ARE ALL DONE WITH CHADS.
Kim: With apologies to my cousin, whose name is Chad, it is SUCH A DOUCHEBAG NAME.
Kelsey: I love that she throws on this sweater on her dress. Put your jams on girl.
Kim: She DID look cozy AF.
Kelsey: I want that sweater. Looks so cozy. I, however, wouldn’t wear it over a fancy dress because I’m a hobo.
Maggie: Evan’s expression is too analytical and not compassionate enough. She’s telling you information, yeah, but she’s upset and sharing her feelings, okay.
Kelsey: Robby is comforting her, he’s a great gay bff.
Kim: Here’s the moment that convinced me that she’s picking Jordan (like I wasn’t sure already but this is so fucking obvious): She addresses him DIRECTLY, saying “Did YOU read this?” as if he was the one that she was most horrified to think that he found her not genuine. Yes. this could have been because they just came off an amazing date together but I really think she showed her cards here. I did love his reluctant little nod here cause it was like “Yep but I don’t believe it.”
Maggie: AMAZING DATE WHERE HE HANDLED A CONVO ABOUT HIS EX WELL, YOU MEAN?
Kim: Bitch, just cause I think he got a little pissed doesn’t mean I don’t think he handled it well. If it had been me, I would have lost it. SO YES HE HANDLED IT WELL, YOU WIN.
Maggie: I WIN.
Maggie: ROBBY AND JORDAN SPA DATE I AM ON FIRE.
Kim: This is EVERYTHING. I love that they are just chilling out being pampered while being all manly men.
Kelsey: Jordan’s so cute eating the cucumber.
Maggie: I never want to see a group of guys running toward me shouting my name. I also never want to go sand surfing, so me and this show, not a perfect match.
Kim: This date is my ACTUAL nightmare. Sand in all sorts of bad places. Nope. Absolutely not.
Kelsey: Alex does a backflip. She loves it. Why.
Maggie: UPDATE: Kim texted me that I missed Luke saying something gross, I’m not trying to let him off a hook I JUST CAN’T CATCH EVERYTHING, this is why it’s a partnership, okay.
Kim: He LITERALLY said he was “going back for seconds” when it came to time with JoJo. GROSS. My whole body convulsed and in not a good way. In fairness, he DID say it to Evan, which is probably why it went right over your head.
Maggie: Luke is here for kissing, not talking.
Kelsey: Luke, is that a white T under a blazer? idk. I think he’s trying to sound smart, but doesn’t.
Kim: Something about him is SO VAPID to me. There is NOTHING there.
Maggie: Of course James Taylor read the article three times
Kelsey: Oh James. Such a sweetie. I assume you’re going home soon.
Maggie: God, I HOPE he’s going home soon.
Kim: His hair BOTHERS ME.
Maggie: His hair is an insult to curls.
Kim: You KNOW it’s a fucking date card, Robby, who taught you how to act surprised? You should fire them.
Maggie: Listen I HATE Derek, is it warranted? I don’t know. Does it matter? NOT FUCKING REALLY.
Kelsey: I do really appreciate how honest he is and upfront. But he also needs to realize that this is the show you’re on, it can really suck, but that’s the show, brother.
Kim: This is TYPICAL first one-on-one date syndrome. They always spazz out being all like “BUT WHAT ABOUT ME?”
Maggie: “I’m totally here now. That’s a big thing.” SHUT UP DEREK.
Maggie: Ohhh Alex doesn’t like Derek so he’s going to be gone soon. Thank you Alex, who even cares what you would talk about without an enemy around, not me anymore.
Kim: It’s like the Smol can’t LIVE without fixating on someone else. He’s such a bully to make up for his smolness.
Kelsey: Ew, Alex, stop. “When it comes to our stuff, it’s scary.” He does not know how to talk about anything.
Maggie: “YOU CAN’T FIND THIS WITH TEXT MESSAGES” THE BACHELORETTE IS SO MUCH MORE PURE.
Kim: Do you think he just texts random girls and that’s his main game?
Kelsey: Alex needs a bit larger shirt and a tailor. It’s no shame, man, but you’re busting out.
Kelsey: Derek for the rose! *heart eyes*
Kim: HE NEEDED THE REASSURANCE I CAN’T BELIEVE SHE SAID THAT IN FRONT OF ALL THE GUYS. Yikes. That just put a target on his back.
Maggie: OMG SMOL MARINE ALEX GOD BLESS THIS DEVELOPMENT HE NEEDS AN ENEMY TO TALK ABOUT.
Kim: He’s SO MAD AND SMOL.
Kelsey: “I don’t need the group date rose.”
Maggie: Alex has a point, y’all, doesn’t need the pity rose.
Kim: As if he wasn’t JUST talking about how much he wanted it though.
Kelsey: “I’m going to be mad if I’m sent home when Derek received a pity rose” -Alex, who clearly doesn’t know how this show works.
Kim: “He’s an insecure little bitch.” I’d be careful about who you are calling “little”, Smol.
Maggie: JoJo telling the dog “I have a date today” oh my god.
Kelsey: I love this.
Kim: We ALL talk to our dogs like this, right? This is completely endearing, even if it’s completely staged. (SEE I CAN’T GET RID OF MY CYNICISM FOR ONE SECOND.)
Maggie: I’m sorry, it felt weird and sad to me. Am I a monster? It’s like…can’t she have one friend to talk to? It’s not even her dog.
Kim: The last “friend” she talked to was her producer who handed her that tabloid, so I understand JoJo resorting to animals at this point.
Maggie: IT’S NOT EVEN HER DOG.
Maggie: “Former Competitive Swimmer” is just a really interesting job title to me, do I want to know more?? I can’t decide?
Kim: Like…why did he stop? What does he do NOW?
Kelsey: Wait, Robby was an Olympic swimmer? Did I miss this?
Kim: I would DEFINITELY remember if he had been to the Olympics and he DEFINITELY hasn’t. I LIVE for the swim team. Maybe he went to trials and lost to Michael Phelps and Ryan Lochte? And that’s why he quit?
Maggie: You can’t just throw around the word “Olympic” or that’s what they would put on screen for him. “Former OLYMPIC swimmer”.
Kim: Side note, I remember there was a big push after the 2012 Olympics for Ryan Lochte to be The Bachelor. That would have been a nightmare and I would have watched every second.
Maggie: NOOOOOOOOOOOO. I mean JEAH.
Maggie: Grant seems to stay out of the drama, he’s a firefighter, he’s going to last, right? I keep seeing him in the background not stirring shit up and it’s like “aw Grant”
Kim: It actually concerns me that he seems to stay out of it. YOU DON’T GET SCREENTIME BY BEING A CHILL AWESOME GUY, BABY. How much have we seen him interact with her? Not much. I’m worried.
Maggie: “He makes me feel alive” until he serial murders you.
Kim: They ALWAYS have the death-defying date that bonds people due to the OMG WE COULD HAVE DIED ADRENALINE. Is this the date? Cause that was pretty lame.
Kelsey: It doesn’t actually look that high? I’m not saying I wouldn’t be scared, but it looks like 12 feet up.
Maggie: So Derek just called fraternities “Mean Girls cliques” and I’m conflicted because I hate him but that was AMAZING.
Kelsey: Dude these guys are all up his ass about reassurance. I want reassurance about everything in my life. All the time.
Kim: I LOVE how riled up the Smol is about this. He’s too manly to ever need reassurance about anything. It’s an insult to his masculinity.
Kelsey: Wait, Robby knows he loves her… already? Guys, I don’t know.
Maggie: Is it not a bit soon for I love you, even by show standards????
Kim: IT IS. THIS IS HIS FIRST ONE-ON-ONE. SLOW YOUR ROLL, YOU PSYCHO. JESUS. Find some chill.
Maggie: “Love is an important thing to me, I don’t take it lightly.” CLEARLY.
Kelsey: “I’ve been thinking about this moment for weeks” Like, three weeks, Robby.
Kim: This is SUCH a Ted Mosby move.
Maggie: This is actually touching but if you’re not happy with the job you’re in and your job is “Former Competitive Swimmer” I’M SORRY I’M SO MEAN.
Kim: It’s still no excuse for dropping the “I love you” this early though. I feel like he just wanted to be the first one of the guys to say it and her reaction is SO “Thank you” which just makes me CRINGE.
Maggie: I feel like their dinner must be cold, is it just for show?
Kim: IT IS. NO ONE EVER EATS THE DINNER AND IT ALWAYS LOOKS SO GOOD? You know if Chian had gotten a one-on-one, that food would not be sitting there.
Maggie: I hate fireworks, they are all the same and they are all too loud and stress my pets out and stress me out and this is a real thing for me, I can’t enjoy this scene.
Kim: You could NEVER be on this show, Maggie.
Kelsey: Rose ceremony time, again, finally.
Maggie: Uruguay has been blessedly light on Evan, I just realized, let’s keep this going wait there he is.
Maggie: Oh my god, Derek, you’re interventioning about their cliqueyness???
Kim: Jordan’s FACE. He’s so incredulous. Also…I wouldn’t have folded him into the Mean Girls clique. Smol obviously fancies himself as Regina George. Who is everyone else? I think Jordan is Cady before Cady goes all plastic.
Maggie: That makes the most sense for him.
Kim: Robby is Gretchen and Chase is Karen. Agree?
Maggie: Maybe Robby is Karen, he looks a little dumber.
Kim: But who is more likely to snap and say WE SHOULD TOTALLY STAB CAESAR.
Maggie: Alex would actually.
Kim: But he’s the ringleader of this clique, so he has to be Regina. ACTUALLY with Chase being all faux-Jordan, HE would totally stab Caesar.
Maggie: There you go.
Maggie: They sound like Real Housewives, it’s not the right time! it’s not the right place! Not at the cocktail party!
Kelsey: Ok, so all the guys are acting like Derek took time away from them and Jojo, when Jojo isn’t even here yet. Alex is such a dick.
Maggie: I think Derek is way more of just a goober than Alex is making him out to be but I’m really enjoying Alex’s deeply principled outrage at his character, so proceed.
Kim: Alex is SUCH A BULLY. I bet he has a tiny penis.
Kelsey: I don’t like all this TESTOSTERONE hating on Derek for having some fucking feelings. Jesus.
Kim: It IS a little extreme. I’m choking on all the toxic testosterone.
Maggie: Yes, Grant, that’s right, you do you.
Kim: GUYS, he’s wearing a VEST. First the braces last week, now a vest. He’s so stylish and he’s pressing all my buttons.
Maggie: Sometimes I forget Chris Harrison exists and it’s nice
Kelsey: Cocktail party canceled!
Maggie: YAS STRAIGHT TO THE ROSE CEREMONY
Kim: Three guys going home. Who will it be?
Maggie: Evan, Wells, Vinny?
Kelsey: Evan. Grant? 🙁 Wells? or maybe James T? 🙁 I hope Alex, but I don’t know if I’m that lucky.
Kelsey: “I wanna be a freakin’ front runner” Aw, Evan. Bye bye.
Kim: I will miss his soundbites.
Kelsey: Luke, rose. Robot.
Maggie: I’m willing to admit there might not be a lot of “there” there with Luke, I don’t know, you guys.
Kim: YAS JOIN US.
Kelsey: Chase, Jordan’s lookalike. Alex, fuck. His suit jacket is TOO TIGHT.
Kim: He compensates for his smolness by trying to look like he’s Bruce Banner about to Hulk out.
Kelsey: YAY JAMES, PERSERVERE.
Maggie: I HATE JAMES TAYLOR AND HIS HAY IN THE BARN
Kelsey: Oh I forgot Vinny was even still here. He’s not getting the last rose.
Kim: We ALL forgot Vinny was here. Whoops.
Kelsey: YAY WELLS. He’s such a peach.
Maggie: WHAT WHAT WHAT NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANT.
Kim: GRANT! You were too pure for this show. Also YAY DIVERSITY?
Maggie: WAIT EVAN IS GONE FUCK YEAH I’M SO CONFLICTED IN MY EMOTIONS.
Maggie: Please don’t whisper “I tried” as your last moment on The Bachelorette, that’s just life advice to anyone.
Kim: Is that what he’s going to go home and whisper to his sleeping children as he cries silently? I’m going to hell.
Kelsey: “I am really really sad” – Evan. So eloquent.
Kelsey: Wait. Vinny is crying now. About what? Did they ever even speak?
Kim: I think they maybe spoke once?
Maggie: I wish Vinny weren’t crying but he never stood a chance, so.
Kelsey: Next week, on The Bachelorette. ARGENTINA. Jealous.
Kim: Don’t cry for them.
Maggie: These bitches in the previews need to back off Jordan, OKAY?
Kim: SO THREATENED.
Kelsey: Watching Luke kiss her is weird and gross.
Maggie: Okay the side boob/nipple thing in the credits scene has turned me, I am now anti Luke. I’m almost positive.
Kim: FINALLY YOU’RE ON OUR LEVEL.
Did your favorite make it through to next week? Let us know in the comments.