Maggie: First things first, we’ve seen Derek’s twitter cover photo and he might be the Liam of the house, you guys.
Kim: I found myself being completely charmed by Derek’s social media WHICH CONFUSED ME. THIS IS ALL SAGE’S FAULT. And yes, I feel like Liam would appreciate the cover photo.
Maggie: Okay, I have wine, let’s gooooooooo.
Kim: I don’t have wine but I have an adrenaline rush from an Indigo Girls concert in the rain, so I am ready.
Maggie: In Buenos Aires and JoJo grabs a Starbucks. JoJo is me.
Kim: LISTEN. I am super disappointed that they didn’t orchestrate a massive song and dance number for JoJo’s arrival a la Evita. “HELLO, BUENOS AIRES! Get this, just look at me dressed up, somewhere to go…we’ll put on a show!” IT’S ALL RIGHT THERE SHE EVEN SAYS THEY ARE GONNA PUT ON A SHOW. (Also, I hope you’re ready for all the Evita references, cause they are coming.)
Maggie: IS SHE COUNTING ROBBY AS ONE OF THE LAST TWO GUYS WHO SAID I LOVE YOU?
Kim: I think she’s counting Ben and Tabloid Chad as the last two guys.
Maggie: THAT’S NOT GOOD FOR ROBBY.
Kim: Yeah basically it’s like his “I love you” isn’t even on her radar. ALSO was there not enough good stuff in this episode that we had to have our fake as fuck mini-therapy session with Chris? Or are we fulfilling a contractual obligation? All I am saying is there are two guys who get ZERO camera time during the group date because of this.
Maggie: Alex doesn’t even MATTER till 9:45 but we’re getting ahead of ourselves.
Maggie: Luke’s wardrobe is REALLY playing up the war veteran angle, am I just really noticing now that I don’t like him??
Maggie: Honestly the travel and luxury accommodations and finding a mean girl clique with a few other contestants are the real reasons to do this show.
Kim: Seriously. It’s like…if I did this show, I would want to go to RIGHT before the hometowns because you get some free trips to exotic destinations AND you don’t have to bring your family into this shit show AND you don’t have to deal with the fantasy suite AND you likely get an invite to do Bachelor in Paradise which is ANOTHER free vacay. It’s a win-win situation.
Kim: Wells FINALLY gets a one on one. The date card is…blatant in its demands (KISS ME YOU DUMMY or something like that) and of COURSE all the guys pounce on it. They ALWAYS need someone to pick on.
Maggie: Didn’t Kelsey just ask this last week? Wells is the only guy who hasn’t kissed JoJo.
Kim: On one hand, I have respect for Wells wanting to play the long game/play it like it’s real life but on the other hand, you are on The Bachelorette, you weenie, PUCKER UP.
Maggie: “Are you guys gonna kiss today?” SHUT UP LUKE. (Man, when I turn on someone, I really commit.)
Kim: I am LIVING for JoJo’s response when all the guys are sitting there talking about the giant elephant in the room. “That’s funny, isn’t it?” I think half the guys in the room missed how that comment was DRIPPING with sarcasm. Like EVERYONE MIND YOUR OWN BEESWAX AND FOCUS ON YOUR OWN RELATIONSHIP.
Maggie: I think I was too busy typing SHUT UP LUKE to take in her response.
Maggie: Ew, James Taylor knows more about kissing than you, Wells. Come on.
Maggie: No offense, art, but this date is my nightmare.
Kim: True story, I’ve seen Fuerza Bruta. They have a residency in NYC and a friend scored me free tickets. It was pretty wild and I highly recommend going after a few margaritas. Also, this show is a WHORE for reality TV promo as Top Model did a photoshoot with that pool. (Also that’s the second time I’ve referenced Top Model in these posts. Hmmmm.)
Maggie: I have no memory of that. Sorry, I am a bad fan.
Kim: It’s okay, you know I am a freak.
Maggie: I am used to being the freak!
Maggie: HOW IS ANY OF THIS CONDUCIVE TO KISSING THIS ISN’T HIS FAULT.
Kim: OH MY GOD WHEN HE MOVES IN TO GO FOR IT BUT GETS THE CHEEK AND THEN THEY HAVE AN AWKWARD HIGH FIVE I LITERALLY WANT TO DIE.
Maggie: Is it possible to cringe so hard that you actually die?
Kim: I don’t know but this date is sure trying to test that theory.
Maggie: Oh wait that was the mean girl clique members discussing whether or not they’d see Wells again, right? Alex, Chase, Robby, Jordan? Sorry about the intervention, Derek.
Kim: Honestly the mean girl clique is my favorite thing to come out of this season. Also where IS Derek? Do you think that they told Derek and James Taylor that they couldn’t sit with them?
Maggie: I don’t even like Wells and I’m so embarrassed for him. This kissing stuff is all so middle school.
Kim: And here’s the deal. JoJo is a strong and independent woman. At this point, if she wanted to kiss Wells, she would have taken matters into her own hands. But she DOESN’T really want to kiss him and so we’re left with this awkward mating ritual cause she’s not going to TURN DOWN some kissing so just put us ALL out of our misery, okay?
Maggie: “The journey just started for me!” Okay so Wells is going home tonight.
Kim: *Insert OH HONEY gif here*
Kim: Plot Twist! The two-on-one date is Derek and CHASE. Has Chase SAID anything in the past 2 episodes?
Maggie: “May the best connection continue.” DEREK MAKES ME VOMIT YOU GUYS.
Kim: He just KEEPS revealing himself to be an Uber-Nerd but he’s probably an Uber-Nerd in the way that Gate-Keeping Classic Doctor Who Fans are.
Maggie: YES! Not like an adorable Uber-Nerd that you would root for.
Kim: Like Liam. AND WE’VE COME FULL CIRCLE.
Maggie: Part of me thought it would be Alex v. Derek, like Alex knocks out the dude he hates again but it’s good for Chase to have some screen time before he leaves.
Kim: I would have DIED if they had put the Smol through another 2 on 1 date.
Maggie: Okay, DEREK, I can’t hate on the clique because Alex touched Chase’s arm in sympathy when the names were read. Bros.
Kim: Back to the awkward date. JoJo is NOT feeling him. Wells gets the sweats when she starts asking about his last relationship. Or maybe because there’s no central air. But that didn’t seem to be bothering him BEFORE. Anyway. He’s doomed.
Maggie: Yeah, you can’t keep Wells because you feel bad for him and that’s kind of what it would be like.
Kim: I’ve said it before: Wells seems like a perfectly nice young man but he’s not for JoJo and she KNOWS it (She clearly goes for obvious confidence and Wells just doesn’t have that). So she turns on the crocodile tears and sends him home to his acapella group.
Maggie: I am living for all the guys going NOOOOOOOOOOOOO when they realize Wells is gone.
Kim: I am living for ANYTHING the clique does.
Maggie: She left the haunted AC-less mansion to go watch more art alone? Jojo is not me.
Kim: Was this supposed to be the rest of their date had she given him the rose? I am LIVING for her crying in the fake rain. If you don’t think I immediately went to the Tenth Doctor crying in the rain gif, then you don’t know me at ALL.
Kim: As we head into the group date, I can’t help but wonder what stroke Robby swam in his “competitive” career. I don’t care ENOUGH to try to look it up though. He just doesn’t look like a swimmer to me. And I should know because I’ve been watching the swim trials all week.
Maggie: “Just look at these guys, they’re perfec!t” is the most I’ve ever liked James Taylor.
Kim: My notes for this whole section just say “I bet Maggie is DYING” over James Taylor’s insecurity regarding Jordan and Luke.
Maggie: Okay but shut up, James Taylor, if they smell insecurity on you, they’ll target you after Derek goes home (hopefully sooooooooon).
Kim: The Smol can SMELL insecurity, it’s only a matter of time.
Maggie: James Taylor and I really on the same page tonight, neither of us think he’s sexy.
Kim: The whole “Hi! Am I here?” thing was really pathetic.
Maggie: No, James Taylor, but the thing about Luke is Jojo is attracted to him but there’s nothing else there, it’s like what Ali warned her against in the first episode.
Kim: Seriously JoJo is BLINDED by her lust for Luke. Their WHOLE conversation was her flipping and twirling her hair and her whole face was like “SHUT UP AND KISS ME” and she was clearly half listening to him blathering on but was really just like “CAN WE MAKE OUT”. I’m honestly surprised she didn’t mount him before Luke got the message that he should just STFU.
Maggie: “Organic and natural” IS the tagline for this show.
Maggie: I really hope Derek just jinxed himself, where did all his poor me baby insecurity go???
Kim: On a scale of 1 to Hiddleswift, how awkward do you think the whole day at the house was with just Chase and Derek there?
Maggie: Derek is the one with his back to the camera, Chase is the one looking at his phone and wishing he were dead.
Maggie: What is this nonsense bullshit tattling over a card game, how old are you even James Taylor??
Kim: Well SOMEONE is a sore loser. Or desperate to get the front-runner out. Or both. WHAT EVEN.
Maggie: There’s nothing worse than spending all of your time with JoJo complaining about another guy especially when it’s this trumped up.
Kim: Did James Taylor learn NOTHING from Evan? NO ONE LIKES A SNITCH. Also SORRY YOU ARE SO THREATENED BY JORDAN’S FAMOUS BROTHER. Sorry, the whole “not here for the right reasons” card would have been played weeks ago with Jordan if this were the case.
Maggie: “Altercation” seems like a bit much, I wish the producers hadn’t taught JoJo that word.
Kim: James Taylor can’t even fully articulate what happened that’s how fake this is. He just tosses out the word “entitled” as if Jordan was just making up all the rules of poker.
Maggie: This card game story is the worst fucking hail Mary I’ve ever seen in my LIFE.
Kim: Ok, but I have to bring this up. I DO think Jordan throws up his defenses SUPER quick whenever she confronts him which is problematic for a long-term relationship. Speaking as someone whose terrible ex immediately turned things around on me whenever I would try to confront HIM. I’m just saying. Thoughts? Am I bringing too much of my own baggage into this? But I am seeing a pattern and I don’t want to.
Maggie: Okay, fair point — I see what you mean, but it’s not something that really stood out to me. I don’t think he turns anything around on her, there doesn’t seem to be any gaslighting, but being immediately defensive in relationship talks, since that’s what we’re talking about really, isn’t a good look.
Kim: I just see it in his EYES every time he’s been confronted.
Maggie: I’m not entirely sure where it’s coming from and how big a deal it would be down the road, but it is there.
Kim: I LIKE him so this worries me.
Maggie: Everyone is going to have SOMETHING. He’s still my personal fave, even if my fave is problematic.
Kim: And when it all comes down to it, this is still ABOUT A POKER GAME.
Maggie: OOH this chills music over the swirled wine, I love this show.
Kim: There is MURDER in the air.
Maggie: James Taylor alone with 3/4 of the clique and he brought it all on him-fucking-self.
Kim: “The suspense is terrible. I hope it lasts.” Also Smol is watching this whole thing with an air of “What’s happening and how can I help?”
Maggie: I can’t believe that card game drama took up so much time that we didn’t even really see Alex or Robby spend time with Jojo, so I knew they weren’t getting the rose AND I knew it wouldn’t be Jordan or James Taylor so of course it falls to a makeout with an overly tight grip on the leg to seal it for Luke.
Kim: Did you catch that Luke also had ONE FINGER under the hem of her skirt? Of course he’s getting the rose. (And you’re totally right, it was going to be Luke’s ANYWAY because of the poker kerfuffle.)
Maggie: I hate cocky Derek but I also hate insecure Derek so I’m just like wow, man, I really hate Derek.
Kim: Where did this sudden burst of confidence come from? Does he have some Felix Felicis in his suitcase?
Maggie: Going by the greeting hugs, the rose is Chase’s. I know I’m biased, but seriously. Replay the tape.
Kim: I didn’t catch that. I was too distracted by wanting her red dress and the ill fit of Derek’s jacket. GET A TAILOR BEFORE YOU COME ON THIS SHOW, BOYS. ALSO I am too focused on wondering how she is walking in those stilettos on those cobblestones. MAD RESPECT.
Maggie: Wait is Chase the guy she had that horrible yoga date with because that was also about becoming one, if you know what I’m saying.
Kim: Oh he WAS. Sorry, I had blocked that whole thing from my mind and it’s all coming screaming back to me. Also, this date is ALSO known as JoJo’s audition for Dancing With The Stars, mark me.
Maggie: I’m digging Chase’s like strong, silent type vibe by now but I don’t think he’s the one. I think he’s MORE the one than Derek, but not the one.
Kim: I agree. I just wish Chase had gotten a little more into the date? Like, he was so dead-eyed and “I HATE THIS” the whole time that I was like SUCK IT UP AND DANCE WITH HER LIKE YOU MEAN IT.
Maggie: I definitely think I’m not suited for reality TV because it takes me awhile to come out of my shell with people and that’s the sense I get from Chase, not like Chian who acted like he was above the activities. I could be wrong, but that’s where I’m at with Chase right now.
Kim: Fair point. Though I am going to start to need MORE from him.
Maggie: Please no guy ever talk to me about looking in my “damn eyes.”
Kim: “Chase is in his head and I’m in my heart.” Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. Also again, like with Wells, I’m getting the whole “This guy is WAY too confident so he’s about to go home” vibe.
Maggie: I thought Derek was going to drop the L word but even he knows it’s too soon and his ass is on the line, ROBBY.
Kim: He came REAL CLOSE. Also I always feel bad because everyone is given these BEAUTIFUL steaks for dinner and NOBODY eats them. I’m poor and I love steak, please send them to me, thanks.
Kim: Maggie, I need to know how you feel about this white dress with the black straps and THE MESH PANELS WITH DOTS BECAUSE I WANT TO SET IT ON FIRE. I hate it so so so much I was distracted for much of the dinner portion of the evening.
Maggie: Okay, the one with the like brown? black? triangle shape on the front because I stared at it like a weirdo the whole time trying to figure out if it was a cutout, because our girl loves a cutout. What do we call the sheer bit that was at the hem?? How do I describe this?? I hated it.
Maggie: I’m really sweating for Chase, you guys, I AM INVESTED.
Kim: See, this is how they get you.
Maggie: Who knew after Chian left that Derek would become the villain of the house? I totally assumed it would be Alex.
Kim: I don’t know if I would call him a VILLAIN per se, I would just call him misguided and sad.
Maggie: OH MY GOD THANK GOD I WAS SO SCARED YOU GUYS YAAAAAAAAS CHASE.
Kim: DEREK’S FACE.
Maggie: “You’ll find your forever.” SUCK IT DEREK.
Kim: “I am Derek and Derek is imperfect.” OH MY GOD THEY ARE PLAYING “DON’T CRY FOR ME ARGENTINA” AND JOJO AND CHASE ARE DANCING TO IT WHILE DEREK CRIES.
Maggie: This is a little on those nose, yes?
Kim: DON’T CRY FOR ME ARGENTINAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA THE TRUTH IS I NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVER LEFT YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU.
Maggie: Go on, I’ll wait.
Kim: ALL THROUGH MY WILD DAYS. MY MAD EXISTENCE. I KEPT MY PROOOOOOOOOOOOOOMIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSE. DON’T KEEP YOUR DISTANNNNNNNNNNNNNNCE.
Kim: Derek is totally crying for Argentina though.
Maggie: I wonder how long they made him ride around in that limo before he cried.
Kim: Also, I wonder how much Argentinians HATE that song. “HAVE I SAID TOO MUCH? THERE’S NOTHING MORE I CAN THINK OF TO SAY TO YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU.”
Maggie: Cocktail party time! Look how full Jojo’s wine glass is, I love it.
Kim: LOOK at how she rebounded with this DRESS. The color! The FIT! The Train! I’m dying it’s so beautiful I want it.
Maggie: Well thank you, James Taylor, for the push Jordan needed to kill it at the cocktail party this week.
Kim: Seriously. That’s like the loosest I’ve EVER seen Jordan. And the most vulnerable. It’s almost like he said to himself “fuck my defense mechanisms, let’s do this.” Also, she’s still so hot for him.
Maggie: So Chase and Luke are being classy and not pushing for time because they have roses? I approve.
Kim: Where does Luke factor in regarding the Mean Girl clique? Because I was about to say that they respected the others cause they were their bros but then I realized Luke wasn’t in the clique and NOW I AM CONFUSED ABOUT THE SOCIAL ORDER OF THIS GROUP OF MEN. Because I really don’t see Luke hanging with Derek and James Taylor…so where does he fit in?
Maggie: Exactly. And how does that clique feel about HIM? WE DON’T KNOW.
Kim: Maybe he’s just a lone wolf, Maggie. A rebel.
Maggie: A foundation you can’t build on tearing the other guys down, Alex.
Kim: I haven’t been able to make fun of Alex’s size very much in this post and I haz a sad. SMOL SMOL SMOL SMOL.
Maggie: I love how Alex doesn’t matter at all this episode until 9:45.
Kim: Maybe all the cameramen missed him because he’s so smol.
Maggie: For real though. He tiny.
Maggie: Intense rose ceremony, guys, damn.
Kim: Everyone is SO SERIOUS. Also while we are here, can we talk about the fact that thus far no one is emerging as a future Bachelor to me? I mean NO ONE. I don’t think any of these guys (other than Jordan really) have the X factor. Not yet anyway.
Maggie: I feel like the rest of the country probably loves James Taylor for it, I personally might have to quit the show.
Kim: Gag me if it’s James Taylor. I feel like they would maybe go with Luke and play up the small town American hero aspect. They haven’t gone the military route since Andy Baldwin’s season. Which yes, they called it “The Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman”. That was season 10 and this is season five billion, so they can go back to that well.
Maggie: Depending on the girls they cast, they can totally work around Luke’s lack of stage presence.
Kim: I mean, they did it with Ben. *angel face*
Maggie: Oh, hey, Robby’s here. That is one sculpted poof of hair, my friends.
Kim: What the HELL is going on there?
Maggie: JORDAN. MY MAN.
Kim: So all of the Mean Girl Clique is safe except for Smol Regina George. BUT WAIT. Jojo can’t give out this final rose. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Maggie: So are they both gone or both staying, the suspense is killing meeeeeeeee.
Kim: I mean, my instinct wants to say that they are both going home but that would be a real shit move on JoJo’s part after she reassured Smol that he should be patient. Which I would like to point out that Smol did the very thing that he gave Derek shit for last week at that cocktail party. Smol asked for reassurance. Mhhhhhmmmmm.
Maggie: *sips tea*
Maggie: SEE I KNEW IT THOUGH THEY BOTH GET ANOTHER WEEK.
Kim: Sigh. We were ALMOST free of James Taylor.
Maggie: Oooooooh smol Marine is targeting James Taylor next, see I told you.
Kim: Wake up and smell the pity rose (and pity one on one date), Smol.
Maggie: Robby getting all snooty and then not being able to spell margherita though.
Kim: I mean, he IS the Karen, Maggie.
Maggie: Okay, we’re down to Luke, Chase, Robby, Jordan, Alex and James Taylor. I feel like Luke and Jordan are locks for hometowns but the other two slots I could see going a few different ways. What your take?
Kim: I think the Smol is a goner next week, for certain. After this week, I am pretty sure Chase can be a lock for hometowns. So it comes down to Robby vs. James Taylor because it feels like Robby lost a lot of momentum this week. WILL THEY WANT TO BREAK UP THE MEAN GIRLS CLIQUE AND RUIN MY LIFE? I think so.
Maggie: I won’t miss Robby’s dapper serial killer energy, so I hope you are right.
How do YOU feel about the final six? Do you play by the legit rules of poker or are you entitled? Let us know in the comments.