“What up, bitches?” – SDCC 2016, Part I

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Posted by Kim and Sage

The travel gods TRIED to prevent us from getting there but Team Head Over Feels refuses to be kept from the Super Bowl of Geek Culture: San Diego Comic Con. (Always build a buffer day into your Con Travel if you can. ALWAYS. You’ll feel better about things, I promise.) We arrived in San Diego Wednesday Morning, exhausted from close to 24 hours worth of airline travel. Our spirits had been broken by American Airlines but after a shower and a long lunch, we were revived and ready to tackle the most intense and most wonderful Con on the planet. It’s the most wonderful time of the year! –Kim

Preview Night

Being all political in our West Wing and Hamilton tees.

Being all political in our West Wing and Hamilton tees.

We like to use preview night as our chance to walk the floor and familiarize ourselves with our home for the next 4 days. (It’s one thing to look at panel rooms on a map, it’s another to actually WALK the distances. We highly recommend doing this.) It’s exciting EVERY day going into the convention center but there is a special kind of buzz going through the crowd on preview night as everyone gets ready to see the floor for the first time. Whose displays and installations are going to be the most spectacular? Which exclusives are going to be the hardest to get? Which vendors will be the hidden gems that make you automatically hand over all your money? Just how many free buttons can you snag? These are all the questions floating around on preview night. There’s nothing like walking into the exhibit hall for the first time. It’s like coming home. (A home you share with thousands of strangers/soon to be friends but still a home.) It’s a feeling of relief and it’s a shot of adrenaline all at the same time. You’ve made it to San Diego Comic Con. Enjoy. — Kim

With the Captain America statue that will eventually live in Brooklyn.

With the Captain America statue that will eventually live in Brooklyn.

Happy Happy Joy Joy aka the Classic Nick Animation Panel

"This is cartoon royalty up here." #SDCC #Nickelodeon #NickToons #nicktoons25

A photo posted by Head Over Feels (@headoverfeelsdotcom) on

This year happens to mark the (prepare yourselves) 25TH ANNIVERSARY of the mighty NickToon. (“If you don’t feel old yet, you will real soon.” – our mod, in introduction.) And as anyone whose formative years fell in the ’90s knows, the three originals (Ren & Stimpy, Doug, Rugrats) paved the way not only for more bizarre, soulful, and innovative cartoons on Nickelodeon, but everywhere. This panel was moderated by Nick Animation podcaster Hector Nevarro; panelists were Craig Bartlett (Hey Arnold!), Butch Hartman (Fairly OddParents), Arlene Klasky (motherfuckin’ RUGRATS, y’all), and Jhonen Vasquez (Invader Zim.) Our expectation was correct: the room was strong with Millennial energy as well as respect for some trailblazing animators and the network that let them loose. –Sage

  • “This is cartoon royalty up here!” A good moderator is SO KEY though. Clearly our Nick mod has huge appreciation, and knowledge of the subject. No matter what your other credentials are, it’s that love that makes all the difference.
  • The panelists were asked which other NickToon they would have liked to have worked on and Ren & Stimpy was definitively the most popular answer. (I still don’t know how that show got made. For KIDS.) As Kim said in our live-tweet, “They’re way existential.”

ren and stimpy

  • Nickelodeon was lauded for “taking a lot of chances” when they launched their animated originals. Each show had a different look than the others and indeed a different look from other kids cartoons on TV. That rough-around-the-edges style pulled kids in immediately.
  • Hey Arnold!‘s Craig Bartlett continues to be impressed by the fan art he’s sent and the now working animators who were inspired to take that path BECAUSE they grew up with NickToons. “I want to hire everyone!”
  • Bartlett also proudly took credit for the Rugrats line, “TAKE A NAP, CYNTHIA” which our moderator revealed is his “you’re being grumpy” mantra. We’re stealing it, if that’s okay.

take a nap

  • P.S. Arlene Klasky would really love Rugrats to come back SO SAY WE ALL.
  • Lots of love for the studio from the animators, but Arlene did have to push back against Nick suits who kept giving her notes to make Eliza Thornberry “prettier.” Klasky wanted her to look like a normal girl. And she won, so there.
  • Hey Arnold! The Jungle Movie will probably be a Thanksgiving 2017 TV event. Bartlett showed us some character designs for the movie and promised to answer tons of fan questions through the course of the story. (#1: Where are Arnold’s parents?)
Why is this me

Why is this me

  • Apparently Rugrats was inspired by a childproofing gadget. As she baby-proofed her bathroom, new mom Klasky started to wonder what would motivate a baby to try to get into a toilet and she worked on defining that voice. As a creative person, Klasky says she couldn’t turn her brain off when she was at home with her kids (bless), so they became the subject of her next venture. Nick accepted the pitch immediately.
  • Before the panel ended, we were treated to a clip from Hartman’s new Nick show Bunsen Is A Beast, a tolerance allegory where a monster enrolls in people school, makes a human best friend, and has to deal with the wrath of a beast-hating hall monitor. Lastly, we saw the world premiere of Vasquez’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles short, Don vs. Raph., six minutes of which is more entertaining than both recent TMNT movies combined.

Moana

"I really love her and I hope all of you will too." – Auli'i Cravalho on playing #Moana. #SDCC

A photo posted by Head Over Feels (@headoverfeelsdotcom) on

This is why you REALLY study the schedule when it is released: One would think that a major studio like Disney would push for a marquee spot for the highly anticipated Moana but lo and behold it was given a spot at 12:30 on Thursday Morning in room 6A (the 4th largest room after Hall H, Ballroom 20, and Room 6BCF). We chose this panel on the off chance that composer Lin-Manuel Miranda would emerge from his much deserved vacation after closing his run in Hamilton to make a surprise appearance. (Our logic: how could a massive geek like Lin resist the call of San Diego Comic Con?) While we DIDN’T get Lin in the flesh, his presence was large in the room (where it happens) as the writers, head animator, and directors gave us a sneak peek at the next Disney Princess. It will surprise NO ONE that we got real emotional about the whole thing.  –Kim

  • Surprising no one, the room went bananas any time we saw Lin’s name on screen or when he popped up in the taped packages. He’s gonna get the EGOT with this movie, you guys. I feel it.
  • Disney always takes care to make sure the cultures in their films are depicted with loving care and as much accuracy as possible. Directors John Musker and Ron Clements took a research trip to the South Pacific to immerse themselves in the culture and traditions of Moana. The footage of their trip was DELIGHTFUL (Grandpa types in matching Tiki shirts FTW). Also the writers and animators were more than a little bitter that THEY only got trips to Burbank.
  • “Lin mentioned he had this musical in development and we were like ‘Good luck with that!!'” HAHAHAHA.
  • Musker described Moana as a bad ass and said the film is really about Moana’s quest to find herself and her place in the world. The room erupted in cheers when he emphatically said that Moana was NOT a love story and there would be no love interest in the film. (THESE ARE THINGS WE LIKE TO HEAR.)
  • We got to see the first three minutes of the film and it’s a little reminiscent of Frozen in how the prologue is underscored with native chants and a driving downbeat, immediately immersing you in the world of the film.
  • Co-head of Animation Amy Sneed is the first woman at Disney to hold that title. YAY FOR LADIES BREAKING GLASS CEILINGS.
  • Moana’s sidekick Pua is quite possibly one of the cutest Disney sidekicks we’ve ever seen. I already want the stuffed animal.
  • We were shown footage of Auli’i Cravalho finding out that she had been cast as Moana and there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. Then she joined the panel and she emanates such warmth that your automatic response is “Of COURSE she’s a Disney Princess.” Her passion and love for the character was evident in everything that she said.
  • We got to see another scene with Baby Moana discovering the Ocean. The animation is SO BEAUTIFUL. They make water a living character and it will absolutely take your breath away.
  • “We cast a demigod to play a demigod.” The casting of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as Maui is beyond perfect. And HE’S GONNA SING Y’ALL.
  • There was a massive sense of nostalgia in the room as Musker and Clements were behind classics like The Little MermaidAladdin, and Hercules. “I think I can speak for all of us when I say ‘Thank you for our childhoods,'” one fan said. “And you all turned out so well!” Musker quipped.

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Rose Petals: a Newbie and a Veteran Watch The Bachelorette, Week 8

Posted by Kim, Maggie, and Kelsey

Kim: First of all, I have to say I was eating delicious carne asada fries and drinking the BEST frosty margarita in San Diego and my television FOMO still kicked in when Maggie started having a meltdown on twitter. That’s how deep I am in this. AND THEN THE BITCH WOULDN’T TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED.
Maggie: I am mean and wonderful. THAT IS A DIRECT QUOTE FROM YOU.
Kim: It’s true. I DO appreciate your dedication to keeping me pure in this process. Even when I hate you. ANYWAY. Let’s get to it. We pick up RIGHT where we left off last week. WHO IS GOING HOME?

Maggie: I feel so bad for JoJo breaking down especially because the answer is so easy just SEND ROBBY HOME.
Kelsey: Everyone thought he was eliminating himself? Really? Haven’t they felt JoJo & Luke’s chemistry?
Kim: Also, I thought Luke’s hometown went really well? THIS IS SO UNEXPECTED.

Maggie:  JORDAN. MY MAN.
Kim: Not even celebrity brother estrangement can stop this train.

Maggie: NO ROBBY WHAT THE FUCK YOU CAN’T MAKE CHASE BOTTOM 2 AFTER THAT HOMETOWN COME ON.
Kim: I SERIOUSLY don’t understand how she’s asking him to stay, especially after the whole ex-girlfriend debacle. RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE COME ON I AM SORRY. Also YES, Chase’s hometown date was flawless.

Maggie: CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASE YAS OMG THAT WAS STRESS YOU GUYS.
Kelsey: WHOA STICK WITH YOUR GUT, JOJO.
Maggie: I can’t believe she eliminated Luke before fantasy suites, though. I think she’s really, actually, for real trying to find a fiance here.
Kim: I said this in last week’s post but I would have been REAL suspect if Luke’s last-minute confession had swayed her. Not suspect of the show (FOR ONCE) but suspect of JoJo’s convictions.

Kelsey: Luke looks like, totally shocked. Aw.
Kim: He’s completely FLOORED. Like this is the most emotion we’ve ever seen from him?
Maggie: “I wanted to fall in love with you and I never got to see it through” I feel like this means he forced the ILY before he meant it, such a Hail Mary (Hi Jordan, I know football stuff are you proud of meeeeeeeeee)

Maggie: His face is so BLANK even as he says he dreamed about this so much while she’s clinging to him crying.
Kelsey: Okay, I feel like JoJo is looking for Luke to comfort her and part of me is like, ok, you have to be the stronger one in this? You’re making the choice here, and I’m sure it sucks but it’s not fair to ask the person you’re rejecting to comfort you like that?
Kim: Yeah, it’s like she want him to be as devastated as she is but he can’t be since he’s a robot.

Maggie: If he can’t express his feelings in words to JoJo, how is he going to make it as a songwriter????
Kim: Maybe he writes for Ariana Grande since I can’t understand a word out of her mouth anyway.
Maggie:  Is her like baby prostitute kitten vibe compatible with his war veteran promo??
Kim: NO. Which is why the songwriter thing is a SECRET. We solved it.
Maggie: God, we’re smart.

Maggie: Okay she’s still crying but I cannot BELIEVE she called Robby second after Chase’s hometown, that is such bullshit.
Kim: I DON’T GET THE ROBBY THING. I mean, none of us do, I just felt it needed to be said again.

Maggie: He keeps saying this wasn’t supposed to happen and the way he’s saying it makes me think maybe a producer was in his ear about him staying.
Kim: Oooooh he totally got Rachel-ed. HE’S SO FLABBERGASTED I can’t get over it.
Kelsey: Aw, this is the most I’ve ever liked Luke, though, tbh. I didn’t even like watching that.
Kim: It was definitely tough. These last few cuts always are cause now FAMILIES are in it. Which is why I would want to be cut right before hometowns.
Maggie: I hate seeing JoJo second guess herself when she’s trying so hard to do the right thing.

First date: Robby

Maggie: Thailand, okay, here we go. Ugh, Robby.
Kim: I always wonder how they determine who goes when. WHY IS HE FIRST?

Kelsey: “She hasn’t told me she loves me yet” Get the fuck over it, Robby, it’s not happening.
Kim: Seriously. After what happened with Ben, why does Robby think JoJo would ACTUALLY be dropping any L-Bombs to anyone’s face? It’s not going to happen. STOP TRYING TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.

Maggie: But seriously, what hair products does he use??
Kim: HIS HAIR NEVER MOVES. It’s like Ken Doll hair.

Maggie: See, the jump the gun “I love you” wouldn’t have made me feel safe to open up to Robby, it would have freaked me the fuck out. I’m just saying.
Kim: Are we forgetting that he LITERALLY just broke up with someone? I want to reach into my TV and smack her upside the head.

Actual picture of Robby.

Kelsey: So what I’ve noticed about Robby and JoJo is that their kissing doesn’t really seem to have much passion? IDK maybe I just want to think that.
Kim: There’s no heat there whatsoever. I mean I think there is from HIS side but she’s just like “Meh, okay.” At least that’s how I see it.
Maggie: I don’t like Robby’s serious conversation face. I don’t like Robby’s face. I don’t like Robby.

Maggie: We liked Robby’s dad though, right?
Kim: We DID.
Kelsey: “I love your family” -JoJo, the irony
Maggie: Do we think Robby forged the note?
Kim: I wouldn’t be surprised.

Maggie: I’m so grossed out, you guys.
Kelsey: I don’t have much to say about Robby because I’m just not feeling it.
Kim: I ALWAYS zone out on Robby dates. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ…

Kelsey: Ew I hope they don’t have sex.
Kim: They will. This whole “taking the next step” talk is code for “we’re gonna bang tonight”. Any time they say “intimacy,” my skin crawls.
Kelsey: And I HATE when he calls her Joelle.
Maggie: He needs to stop saying Joelle. She goes by Jojo, but we all know it’s Joelle, you’re not like proving any point by saying Joelle okay.

Maggie: I’m so upset. There’s no way you can trust this guy, I’M SORRY.
Kelsey: I think he just makes her feel like reallllllllly wanted and loved and pursued? But I don’t think she has the passion for him.
Kim: I think that’s exactly it, Kelsey. There’s something to be said about being the ADORED one in a relationship? (I wouldn’t know but I suppose there is. Hey-oooooooooooooooo this just got dark.)

Maggie: I like how her hair’s in a messy bun but his perfectly coiffed swoop is intact.
Kelsey: They wake up and Robby’s hair is still in the poof? WHAT. HOW. What kind of product is he using?
Kim: KEN DOLL HAIR.

Also an actual picture of Robby.

Kelsey: WAIT SHE KNOWS SHE LOVES HIM? NOOOOOOOOOO.
Maggie: STOP SAYING YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH HIM, JOELLE
Kim: DO NOT WANT.

Date two: Jordan

Maggie: JORDAN. Goddamn do I prefer this swoop of hair. What a palate cleanser.
Kim: He uses the PERFECT amount of product to where it’s obviously styled but it’s not plastered to his head. I approve.
Kelsey: Why does she look so cute with her hair messily pulled back? I’m rocking the same style and look like a mess.

Maggie: They’re so CUTE and AFFECTIONATE.
Kelsey: Their greeting was more passionate than Robby & JoJo’s date.
Kim: It’s almost like she’s genuinely happy to see him.

Maggie: They have such a great dynamic for a physical activity like this, I actually believe they had fun and weren’t miserable in that heat.
Kelsey: Them talking about not being able to kiss in the temple.. passion is thereeeeeeee.
Maggie: Yeah, keep it in your pants until the fantasy suite, girl.

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We Need to Talk About The Killing Joke

batgirl

Posted by Jaime

Special Thanks to @tom_eaton for fact-checking and consulting!

This week, DC Comics and Warner Brothers Animation are releasing an animated movie version of “The Killing Joke,” based on the 1988 seminal Batman graphic novel. In doing so, the publishers are revisiting one of the darkest moments in the Bat-verse’s continuity–the point at which Batgirl (Barbara Gordon) is shot by the Joker, an event which left the character paralyzed and confined to a wheelchair. But “The Killing Joke” is particularly sensitive territory for many fans, because it contains imagery that arguably implies that the Joker rapes Barbara.

And whether the original authors intended to make a sexual assault part of the story is only partially relevant–because the fact is, for a lot of fans, the rape is canon, and part of the experience they’ve had as readers. And Barbara’s eventual recovery, and her development into a new, wheelchair-bound superhero (The Oracle) over time has become a source of pride and strength for a lot of Batgirl fans.

All of which is to say: Making any big changes to “The Killing Joke” needed to be done with care–the story’s legacy is intense.

DC Made Insensitive Changes, Then Botched Their Fan Response

Now that the movie is out, with an additional 45 minutes featuring Batgirl in a story that never appeared in the original “Killing Joke,” it’s clear: DC blew it. The publisher retold one of their most controversial narratives, effectively retconning Batgirl’s origin story so it now hinges on a storyline of sexual disempowerment. The new version spends more than a half-hour showing how Batgirl is less effective as a hero because of her emotional and sexual interest in Batman, and ultimately reframes the ending, making Batman her protector.

And that was a dumb thing for them to do–but the missteps don’t end there. When fans spoke up, the producers made the whole situation worse. At San Diego Comic-Con 2016 last weekend, at the end of a lengthy panel celebrating the release of the movie, a fan dressed as Batgirl asked why the writers chose to add in a Batgirl story that was all about the men in her life. When the panelists couldn’t put a coherent answer together–the best they gave was a mansplain-y “it’s complicated”–a reporter from Bleeding Cool, Jeremy Konrad, shouted from the audience that Batgirl now was “using sex and pining for Bruce.”

In response, the movie’s writer, Brian Azzarello, became hostile and defensive, angry that Mr. Konrad was at that point walking away. He called Mr. Konrad a pussy.

(Let’s all take a deep breath and appreciate the gravity and irony of that particular response to an accusation of sexism.)

So there are two things to dissect here:

  1. Why and how the narrative changes made to “The Killing Joke” were shockingly insensitive to women’s issues, and…
  2. How DC’s responses to criticism (historic and present) show that they don’t think there’s a problem when it comes to women in their comics. (Spoiler alert: They’re really, really wrong.)

The New “Killing Joke” Changes

Here’s a quick rundown of what they added to Batgirl’s story in the animated “Killing Joke”:

  • There’s a new gangster in town, Paris Franz. He’s a murderous mobster who becomes instantly sexually fixated on Batgirl.
  • Paris and Batgirl tangle in an action sequence, but he gets away.
  • Batman scolds Batgirl, telling her that (a) she’s “too close” to the case — I think this might be man-code for “you’re getting all emotiony about this” — and needs to back off, and (b) he wants her off the case, because he has more experience with insane criminals. This latter part is of course foreshadowing for Batman’s upcoming duel with The Joker, but nonetheless, it comes off as painfully condescending.
  • Barbara Gordon confides in her gay friend–lisp, limp wrist, “honey” and all, just in case anyone in the audience was confused–that she’s involved with someone, sort of. A lot of time is spent on showing that she doesn’t know how she feels about Batman.
  • Barbara decides to stay on the case, and Franz leaves traps for Batgirl, describing their relationship as a romance (at one point, after leaving a clue, he sneers, “I thought women loved scavenger hunts!”).
  • Batman again scorns Batgirl for remaining involved, angrily stating that they’re not peers: He is in charge.
  • In the heat of their argument, she kisses him. This leads to Batman and Batgirl having sex on a rooftop.
  • Batman doesn’t call Batgirl after that. Barbara gets distressed about his post-Bat-sex behavior.
  • When the original “Killing Joke” story begins, Batman still hasn’t spoken to Barbara since their rooftop tryst.

It’s important to note here that the Batman/Batgirl romance dynamic didn’t come out of nowhere: In “Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker,” Bruce and Barbara did once share a romance, in a reality where the two of them are left behind as the two last members of the Bat-family. That development of their relationship is pretty different from the one in “The Killing Joke”; we see it progress over time, rather than the two of them having impulsive rooftop sex. “Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker” was also directed by “Killing Joke” director Bruce Timm, so, for the sake of argument, I can see how in Timm’s mind, it’s a normal thing to have these two characters get together. Even though Batman is much older than Batgirl. Even though they work together. And even though she’s the daughter of the one cop who has always had his back.

I also give credit to Timm and company for trying to give Batgirl more screen time at all. Batgirl is a great character, and I can almost see how there’s an odd logic to the idea that, because “Killing Joke” originally acted as an origin story for Batgirl’s survivor arc, it makes sense to flesh out that origin story even further now. In their own strange way, maybe DC and Warner Brothers Animation were trying to cement “The Killing Joke” as a part of the character’s history of strength. Maybe.

But the root of the problem lies in how the audience sees Batman’s motivations when entering the final battle. In the finale of the print version of “The Killing Joke,” Barbara is used as a way to get her father, Commissioner Gordon, to go crazy and reject the criminal justice system altogether. What happens to her is tragic, but for The Joker is a means to an end. The Joker shows Commissioner Gordon multiple images of his daughter after the assault as a way to torture him. Batman then comes after The Joker to save Gordon — and here’s the important part — motivated by saving Commissioner Gordon and bringing Joker to justice. That’s it.

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Rose Petals: a Newbie and a Veteran Watch The Bachelorette, Week 7

Posted by Kim, Maggie, and Kelsey

Maggie: Guys, remember what a train wreck Jojo’s hometown was last season? Do we usually see more of the family during the season or did Ben’s parents just not have a lot going on?
Kim: We’ll see JoJo’s family in the finale. That will be it. Okay the Hometown dates are USUALLY where we will see the next Bachelor emerge. So keep your eyes peeled, ladies.

HOMETOWN ONE: CHASE

Maggie: Okay, they seem cute, right?? That was a cute greeting, I didn’t think they had that much there.
Kim: Chase has been the ultimate dark horse this season. I had NO feelings about him like 2 episodes ago and now I am declaring him too pure for this show.
Maggie: I officially feel a little bad for referring to him as Jordan Light for so long, you guys.

Kelsey: Chase calling his family a “broken home” made me want to vomit. Is that his sob story?
Oh god, he’s making into a sob story. Jesus. Ok is it bad that I just want him to get the fuck over it?
Maggie: Listen. Colin’s parents got divorced like 18, 19 years ago. And we talk about it every single time we see his mom. I’m not exaggerating, it always comes up somehow. So even though my parents are still married, the Chase situation all felt very normal to me and not over the top. But. Yeah, I guess that was his sob story??? DON’T MAKE ME SAY BAD THINGS ABOUT CHASE, KELSEY.
Kim: REMEMBER HOW WE WERE ALL AMBIVALENT TOWARDS HIM TWO EPISODES AGO?

Maggie: Oh this is hella awkward though, has Chase ever asked his dad why the first marriage didn’t work out off camera??
Kelsey: So did Chase not see his dad for like years before that? I would NEVER put a new partner through that.Also, if I put this in my situation, there was a long time I didn’t talk to my mom. If I met someone during that time, I would not ask her opinion of that person, because we weren’t close. It feels like this situation is either a stretch or ABC forced them into it and it was fucking weird.
Kim: AWKWARD FAMILY THERAPY BY THE BACHELORETTE. (I’m SURE he has, this was a blatant set-up. CHASE IS LEARNING TO LOVE AGAIN.)
Maggie: Actually altogether, that was a great visit with Chase’s dad, right???
Kim: It WAS. Chase is SLAYING this so far.

Maggie: Chase’s mom is SO HAPPY, you guys.
Kelsey: Chase’s mom is just laying out facts about JoJo. Great laugh. Loves dogs. Hates fish.
Kim: All very important things in a daughter-in-law.

Maggie: Text from Kim: This is the bachelor edit.
Kim: I AM NOT WRONG.

Maggie: God I love this conversation between Chase’s mom and Jojo. I can’t even process all of this.
Kim: She is PRECIOUS. God, I am watching this whole date like I’ve never watched this show before. I am getting sucked in.
Maggie: CHASE AND HIS SISTER ARE SO CUTE, OMG AARGH
Kim: HE IS NAILING THIS.

Chase on this date.

Maggie: Side note, at this point it feels like it was ten years ago that Robby said I love you to JoJo AND CHASE IS TAKING IT SO SERIOUSLY. FUCK ROBBY.
Kim: Honestly, I keep forgetting Robby is here.

Maggie: STOP IT SANDY I’M GOING TO CRY JFC
Kim: YEP. SHE LOVES HER SON SO MUCH AND SHE JUST WANTS HIM TO BE OPEN TO LOVE HELP ME. (Maggie it’s SO FIC!Louis and Jay isn’t it???)
Maggie: Ohhhhhhhhhhh it IS.

Maggie: CHASE CRIED THE WALLS ARE DOWNNNNNNNNNNNN
Kim: SINGLE TEAR I AM ON FIRE.

Maggie: Can I just say, I really prefer the I’m falling in love with you over I love you for this show?? It’s so much more believable.
Kim: I hear you. However, I just feel like the way Chase dropped the L-Bomb was the most believable so far. It’s the whispered confession while they are wrapped up together right before she’s about to leave. (Can you tell I just finished my Outlander recap?) It’s not showy. It felt REAL. I made dolphin noises you guys.
Maggie: If you DIDN’T make dolphin noises, you’re dead inside. Sorry not sorry.

HOMETOWN TWO: JORDAN

Kelsey: I love JoJo’s reaction to these deer. Adorable.
Maggie: That really is a lot of fucking deer, okay?
Kim: JoJo and the way she reacts to animals though. It’s like she’s a damn Disney Princess.

Kelsey: Chase set the bar really high and so this high school visit just seems like ugh I’M SORRY JORDAN ILY.
Kim: It SCREAMS “I peaked in high school” and that is just NOT attractive.
Maggie: I…can’t disagree. My fave is problematic.

Kelsey: Whoa JoJo kissing Jordan against the desk, ok. Now agains the boooookssss.
Kim: Kissing AGAINST things is his signature move. It’s a good one.
Maggie: Okay it was getting pretty steamy with the library makeout and then the “I can’t wait for you to meet my family” like, bro YOU’RE MAKING OUT RN.

This is apt because Harry is talking about his childhood and Jordan is re-living his.

Kelsey: Is Jordan not having a high school sweetheart his sob story? Nope, back to the Aaron Rodgers sob story.
Maggie: This convo is what the entire season has been building to.
Kim: The Faux-casual “Oh is that your brother?” IS TOO MUCH. The whole thing gives me the willies. It’s so NOT GENUINE.
Maggie: Wait, we’re NOT having the convo???
Kim: HE’S TOO UNCOMFORTABLE TO TALK ABOUT THE (FAKE) RIFT WITH HIS BROTHER.

Kelsey: Do they all have the same haircut?
Maggie: THEY DO.
Kim: Jordan’s is the swoopiest.

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“I’ve never been very good at saying goodbye.” – Outlander Recap – Dragonfly in Amber

Outlander Season 2, Episode 13
“Dragonfly in Amber” 

Posted by Kim

I’m not always a fan of starting at the end and doing the whole “how did we get here?” thing for an entire television season. Unless you are Harry Burns, reading the last page first usually takes all the fun out of the journey. We’ve known this whole season that the events leading up to the Battle of Culloden culminate in Claire going back through the stones to the present day and yet Outlander has managed to keep the season tense and surprising. We may know the ending but Jamie and Claire didn’t and it made watching their attempts to change history all the more frustrating. In the same vein, we’ve known the whole time that they were going to be separated but we didn’t KNOW what would drive them to that point. We knew it had to have been the absolute last resort for them but we didn’t KNOW just how desperate they were. Well, now we do. And DAMN. That last page was still a gut punch even though we knew it was coming. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: season two of Outlander has been a masterclass in storytelling. A pox on the Emmy Voters who ignored it. (Don’t worry…the Feelies are coming up and the show will get its due.)

“Dragonfly in Amber” did a LOT of jumping between the past and the present as Claire’s memories and secrets are forced out into the open when she takes her daughter Brianna to Scotland for the funeral of Reverend Wakefield. For the purposes of keeping my sanity, let’s go through this chronologically, shall we?

We are literally hours away from the start of the Battle of Culloden, using a countdown clock like it’s an episode of 24 or something. (Don’t get me wrong, I dug it.) Jamie makes a final plea to the Prince, trying to make him see reason. The men are exhausted and beaten down and the British have the advantage on the ground. They need to retreat. Charles is having none of it, being all “Naw, son. God’s got this.” He even goes as far as to compare Jamie to Doubting Thomas. “Before this day is over, I will make a believer out of you.” This is why Zealots should never be in charge. Jamie and Claire huddle up in the house. They DO have one final option. They can kill the Prince. Yep, they are that desperate that they are FINALLY willing to consider the option that Murtagh tossed about in Paris all those months ago. (Always listen to Murtagh, people.) Claire pulls out a vial of her seemingly endless supply of yellow jasmine and says that they can poison him RIGHT NOW and all this would end. She also casually drops the knowledge that she helped Colum kill himself the night before. Jamie is shocked and is like “Yo, suicide is a mortal sin” and Claire basically says “Yeah, yeah, but he asked. FOCUS.” She knows Charles’ health is poor, she’s been treating him for scurvy for weeks. No one would be surprised if he died and no one would KNOW that they killed him. Bless the 1700’s and their lack of a CSI department, amirite?

Jamie stresses to Claire that what they would be doing is cold-blooded murder. There’s no way to get around that. Claire counters that it’s one murder that will save thousands. They have to look at the big picture here. Jamie agrees and then tells Claire they need to act quickly. Here’s where shit gets real. Unbeknownst to them, Dougal has been listening outside the door the whole time. He bursts into the room and betrayal and agony and rage are written all over his face. You have to look back and recall what Dougal said to Claire back when he joined them in “Je Suis Prest” to understand his reaction. Dougal cares about the Jacobite cause and getting the Stuarts on the throne more than anything else in this world. He doesn’t KNOW that Jamie and Claire are trying to save ALL of them by killing the Prince. All he hears is that they are planning on killing Charles Stuart, son of the man he wants nothing more than to see restored to the throne. YIKES.

You also have to factor in that Dougal’s pride is still smarting from Colum naming Jamie guardian of his son rather than his own brother. It’s a perfect storm of emotion and Dougal is blinded by his rage and betrayal. Jamie tries to tell his uncle that it’s not what he thinks but it’s too late for that. Dougal, already emotionally and physically spent, is too far gone to hear Jamie out. His unwillingness to listen also makes it seem like he’s been WAITING for this to happen, especially when he turns on Claire. (Let’s take a moment to appreciate that even in the direst of circumstances, Jamie gets all “Don’t say bad things about my wife, I will end you.” Prince among men he is.) “What you’ve done to me,” Dougal snarls. “We’re past anger.” Dougal draws his sword and takes a swing at Jamie and it’s CLEAR that he’s not fucking around. Dougal is fighting to KILL. Jamie still tries to reason with him as he dodges the blows but it’s grossly ineffective. This is kill or be killed time. Dougal takes no prisoners, going for Jamie’s bad hand. (Me: WHY IS IT ALWAYS HIS HAND?) Finally, Jamie pins Dougal down and you can SEE the hesitation in his face because he knows what he has to do. He just doesn’t want to do it. Claire senses this and she rushes to his side and they grip the sword together and they push down slowly as Jamie whispers his apologies. Well…that escalated quickly.

As if things couldn’t get worse, Rupert decides to burst into the room and finds Jamie and Claire hunched over Dougal’s bloodied body. Ohhhhhh fuuuuuuck. Jamie begs Rupert to give him two hours to sort some things out and then he’ll return to face up to what he’s done. (Me: IN MERCY’S NAME, THREE DAYS ARE ALL I NEEEEEEEEED. THEN I’LL RETURN, I PLEDGE MY WORD.) Rupert agrees, both to the time and to the fact that Jamie’s going to pay for this. Jamie kicks into overdrive. He quickly finds Murtagh and tells him what’s he’s done. Murtagh’s response? “Canna say I’m that surprised, only that it took ye so long. What’s to do, then?” BLESS HIM. Seriously. Murtagh doesn’t even bat an eye at the fact that Jamie’s murdered his uncle, he just immediately goes to “How can I help?”

Jamie busts out the deed to Lallybroch and signs it over to Jenny’s son. It turns out that Jamie’s always been prepared for things to come to this point and he was always thinking ahead. The legal date on the deed is a year prior, before the rebellion, before Jamie was named a traitor. He’s done everything he can to protect his family in the event of his death. Murtagh and Claire sign the deed as his witnesses and Murtagh asks if Jamie wants him to deliver it to Jenny. Nope. Jamie has other plans. He turns to Fergus and entrusts him with the task of getting it to Jenny because that gets his adopted son out of the direct line of fire. Fergus doesn’t want to leave, of course, but Jamie stresses that he must. “Not just for the deed, but no matter what happens here today, it’s important someone remembers.” (WHO LIVES WHO DIES WHO TELLS YOUR STORRRRRRYYYYYYYY?) “You’re a soldier now, mon fils. I love you like a son” “Like our own son,” Claire adds. Fergus promises his parents that he will not fail them and steals away as Claire and Jamie watch proudly. I AM EMOTIONAL.

Jamie turns to Murtagh and tells him to gather the Frasers of Lallybroch. He’s getting them the fuck out of there. “The battle is already lost. I’ll not have my kin die for nothing.” Murtagh asks Jamie what HE plans to do and he replies that he’s going to get Claire to safety and then return to the battlefield and fight until it’s done. He knows at this point that he’s doomed…whether it be at the hands of the British or the hands of the MacKenzies. All he cares about now is saving as many as he can. Murtagh agrees to getting the Frasers on the road to Lallybroch but then adds that he’ll be there waiting for Jamie when he gets back. Jamie will not be alone in this. When Jamie insists that he won’t have Murtagh die for nothing, Murtagh stands firm. “I won’t be. I’ll be dying with you.” And now I am having Legolas and Gimli at the end of Return of the King feels and I am too fragile for this. Murtagh is SO GOOD and I can’t bear the thought of him not being with us next season. Tell me he escapes. Except don’t tell me.

 

Finally, Jamie goes to get Claire. She KNOWS where he wants to take her and she fights against it. She argues that they could both run away together, that it doesn’t have to be this way, but Jamie KNOWS. His fate is sealed. Claire’s is not. She tries to argue her way out of it but Jamie plays the ultimate trump card. He knows that Claire is pregnant. Apparently Jamie is really good at period math, even in the midst of a war. “This child…this one is all that will be left of me ever.” WELL PLAYED SIR. There’s nothing Claire can say to counteract that statement. Besides, she promised that if it came down to it, she’d go back. “YOU are my home,” Claire insists. “And you are mine,” Jamie replies. “But this home is lost. And now you and the bairn…you must go to a safe place. To a man… a man that could care for you both.” LISTEN. I CAN’T with Jamie and all his noble self-sacrificing. You KNOW this is killing him but he is being insistent because Claire’s life and his unborn child’s life are more important to him than anything in this world and he would rather die knowing Claire is in the arms of another man as long as it means she’s out there breathing. LEAVE ME HERE.

Claire: How will I explain all this? How can I go back? To Frank?
Jamie: All that I leave to you. Tell him what you will about me…about us. It’s likely he’ll no want to hear, but if he does…tell him I’m grateful. And tell him I trust him, and tell him I hate him to the very marrow of his bones.

HELPMEHELPMEHELPMEHELPMEHELPMEHELPMEHELPMEHELPMEHELPME.

At the stones, Claire says the thing that’s on ALL of our minds: can’t Jamie just come with her? IF ONLY it were that easy! Whatever sort of cosmic thing is going on at Craigh Na Dun, it doesn’t affect him. He doesn’t hear the buzzing coming from the stones that Claire does. He touches them and feels only stone beneath his hands. (OKAY THEN BUT WHO WAS THE PERSON ON THE STREET IN THE PILOT. TELL ME BUT DON’T TELL ME.) Even if he COULD go through them, Jamie gently tells Claire that it’s not his place. His destiny lies on Culloden Moor and if they have learned ANYTHING from their schemes it’s that you can’t fight destiny. AND THEN Jamie decides to murder us with this speech:

Jamie:  But I’ll find you. I promise. If I have to endure 200 years of purgatory…200 years without you, then that is my punishment that I have earned for my crimes, for I have lied, killed, stolen, betrayed and broken trust. But when I stand before God, I’ll have one thing to say to weigh against all the rest. Lord…you gave me a rare woman. And God, I loved her well.

AND THEN THEY DO IT RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF THE STONES BECAUSE OF COURSE THEY HAD TO BECAUSE THEY ARE CLAIRE AND JAMIE AND THIS IS THE GREATEST SHOW EVER. (Text from Sage: Aw, he fucked her one last time. BLESS.) LISTEN what kind of cosmic soulmate romantic GOD I WANT TO DIE shit is this that when Jamie looks back on his life the one thing that he would tell God at the Pearly Gates is that he loved Claire well? SERIOUSLY. Thanks for ruining me for life, show. These are the kind of standards we should DEMAND, ladies.

Cannons start firing in the distance. The battle has begun. That last quickie out-of-the-way, Claire and Jamie go about their final bits of business. Claire hands him their wedding gift from Hugh Munro, a literal dragonfly in amber (is it MAGIC? Why did he give them that? Am I forgetting something or is this the show doing another nod to the title?), telling him to keep it with him. Jamie gives Claire his father’s ring, telling her to give it to the baby. Claire promises to name the baby Brian, after his father. ALL OF THIS HAPPENS WHILE JAMIE GENTLY WALKS CLAIRE BACKWARDS TOWARDS THE STONES. This whole time I had in my head that Claire went back alone and I can’t decide whether or not I think it’s WORSE that Jamie was there the whole time. Their eyes never stray from each other as they ease their way to the stones, trying to soak in as much of each other as possible while they still can. They are memorizing the lines on each other’s faces, the way their skin feels underneath the other’s fingers, the way they smell, everything. It’s intense and loving and sad and JAMIE IS SO DETERMINED AND STRONG AS CLAIRE CRIES and this is DEFINITELY WORSE than the thought of Claire doing this alone. They say “I love you” one last time. The only moment they break eye contact is the moment they reach the stone and Jamie turns her around and takes her hand and they fucking touch the stone together. One second Claire is wrapped up in Jamie’s warm embrace and the next she’s alone in 1948.

JAMIE’S ONE TEAR I WANT TO DIE.

And that brings us to the opening moments of “Through a Glass, Darkly.” NO WONDER CLAIRE LET OUT THAT PRIMAL SCREAM.

Flash forward twenty years to 1968…

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Fan Vid Friday – The Best of Backstreet Boys

Posted by Kim and Sage

If you’re even a casual reader of this website, you’ll know that we are Boy Band Trash to our very core. Our love for cute boys singing catchy pop songs is in our blood, in our DNA, in the very marrow of our bones. This week for Fan Vid Friday, as we watch the telenovela known as the “One Direction Hiatus” (*insert WE WERE ON A BREAK gif here*) we thought we’d take it back to one of our enduring loves: the Backstreet Boys. In this trying time, we thank them for being past their days of drama and simply providing us with tunes that will never fail to bring a smile to our faces. KTBSPA. — Kim

Rose and Nine – “The One” 

Sage: Unless the Backstreet Boys’ next album (WHERE IS IT) includes a song about flying the TARDIS with the parking brake on, “The One” will always reign as the band’s most Doctor Who-ish track. “I guess you were lost when I met you.” That could be the Doctor talking about any of his companions OR strike that reverse it: any of his companions talking about HIM.

Kim: This is about Rose and Nine though, OMG. She’ll be the one who will make all his sorrows undone. She’ll be the light when he feels like there’s nowhere to run. *cries forever*

Fox Mulder – “Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely” 

Sage: You guys remember when Dana Scully got abducted and Fox Mulder LOST HIS DAMN MIND?

Kim: Sometimes you find a song and a story arc that fit so perfectly you want to set yourself on fire. This is one of those times. TELL ME WHY CAN’T I BE WHERE YOU ARE?

Jamie and Claire – “Drowning” 

Sage: We’re talking Jamie and Claire, so it might go without saying that this Backstreet fan vid is not safe for work. Unless you work as that guy in Love Actually, the second AD who gets to deliver directions to the body doubles. Related: I picture that guy behind the scenes shouting commands at the Outlander actors. (“We need to know when we’re gonna see, um, the nipples? And when we’re not.”)

Kim: “Every time I breathe I take you in and my heart beats again. Baby, I can’t help it. Keep me drowning in your love.” = “Does it ever stop? The wanting you?” This song is so Jamie and Claire it HURTS. Maybe she’s a drifter…maybe not. Also note to the Outlander showrunners: MORE SEX IN SEASON THREE PLEASE. For serious, if I don’t get a 45 minute sex scene when they are reunited, I’m burning Utica to the ground.

Jim and Pam – “Helpless When She Smiles” 

Sage: Jim Halpert has the heart of the most sincere boy band love ballad. He lives in that world, so this is not a stretch. Kudos for including the post-Jinx “Hi,” which still gives me the butterflies.

Kim: If “Helpless When She Smiles” doesn’t describe the schmoopy heart eyes Jim Halpert sports every time he looks at Pam, then I know nothing. Also John Krasinski’s stupid face can get right the fuck off this planet and LET ME LIVE.

Harry Potter – “Larger Than Life” 

Sage: The series did take place circa the late ’90s, so head canon accepted that there were a few copies of Millennium strewn around every house common room.

Kim: The vidder gets REAL clever with clips and lyrics in this and I love it. I love the Ron/Hermione at the Yule Ball to “Can’t you see? Can’t you see?” And the dueling during the instrumental break! Glorious.

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Rose Petals: a Newbie and a Veteran Watch The Bachelorette, Week 6

Posted by Kim, Maggie, and Kelsey

Maggie: Shout out to my sister in Boston who attempts to read these even though she doesn’t watch the show <3
Kelsey: Last episode feels SO long ago. Like aren’t we over the last rose psych out yet?
Kim: Stupid July 4th falling on a Monday and pre-empting my stories.

Maggie: I’m having a hard time paying attention to the this week on the show bits but I did spy some cardigans so let’s go.
Kelsey: While Jordan’s hair makes me overwhelmed, Alex’s hair is weird and gross and stringy in this first scene.
Maggie: OKAY RIGHT?
Kim: SERIOUSLY. What’s going on there, Smol?

Kelsey: Is Chris Harrison still doing his clothing line? I need to look into this.
Maggie: Um, fucking EXCUSE ME he has a clothing line?
Kim: What even IS part of his line? Ill fitting blazers? Rose brooches? WHAT?

Maggie: THIS WEEK IS HUGE DID YOU GUYS GET THE MEMO.
Kelsey: Alex’s “Whoa” response to his date is fucking hilarious.
Kim: But is this a pity one on one, Smol? 

Maggie: How many times are we all going to acknowledge Alex is the only one to not have a one on one yet?
Kim: IDK how many times did they mention that Wells was the only one not to have kissed her yet? They need something to fixate on.
Kelsey: “So…shut up.” Such insight, Chase.
Kim: LISTEN. I have NEVER been more proud of the fact that I said that Chase was the Gretchen Weiners of the clique than I am in this very moment. He has HAD IT with Regina George. I mean, he may as well be giving the Smol Swedish Weight-Gain bars right now.

Maggie: I think Alex means they all have a foundation that you can’t build on tearing another guy down????
Kim: But isn’t that what Alex has been doing this WHOLE TIME? Do they EVER not talk about the other guys when they are together?

Kelsey: Ew is Alex sitting in the middle seat? Stop.
Kim: Seriously, why is he sitting SO CLOSE? It would make me bananas. 
Maggie: 
Personally I’d rather be on the bus with my clique than on this awkward drive with Jojo, but whatever.
Kim: Give me ALL the footage of the plastics on the bus, you guys. ALL OF IT. Also, we got an interesting glimpse into the group dynamic. Last week, I pondered whether or not Luke was a loner, but he was ensconced in the middle of the bus. James Taylor, on the other hand, just seemed like he was so happy they let him sit with him.
Maggie: You KNOW Chase was internally screaming “YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US.”

Kelsey: Dude I feel like their date is them just sitting in the back of a car all day? This is super boring.
Kim: SHOW THE BOYS ON THE BUS.
Kelsey: “I’m having a hard time connecting with him romantically.” Ok, imagine this same date with Luke, they’d be naked by now.
Maggie: Okay why does she keep saying they’re so comfortable? It doesn’t read that way at all to me. (Or do I just hate Alex? Unconfirmed.)
Kim: I KNOW they probably played up the long stretches of silence for the comedy/awkward of it all but at the same time maybe they didn’t? They don’t have anything to talk about and they have nothing in common. I don’t know WHY she kept him, honestly. This is SUCH a pity one-on-one.

Kelsey: Holy shit I can’t even respond to this rap of the bus boys. This is fucking hilarious.
Kim: OKAY but Luke’s BURN of the Smol though. He’ll need a stool get into the sidecar? THIS IS MAKING ME QUESTION ALL OF MY HATRED TOWARDS HIM.

Kelsey: Ohh I want to see more of James’ tattoos.
Maggie: What the fuck is tattooed on James Taylor’s arm and how have I never noticed it before?
Kim: I have not noticed it either but that’s because I always try to avoid looking at James Taylor directly.

Maggie: I’m so scared of Bachelor in Paradise, you guys.
Kim: You should be.

Maggie: Alex doesn’t seem that Wild and Unruly to me, but sure let’s see how this gaucho date goes.
Kelsey: “He actually looks really good!” No, JoJo, he does not look good in the gaucho attire.
Kim: I am so embarrassed for him RN.
Kelsey: “You’re a cute little gaucho” LOLOLOL JoJo is calling him SMOL too.
Kim: I’m just glad everyone is FINALLY acknowledging the Smol’s smolness.

Kelsey: Jordan is a picky eater. He can hang out with you, Maggie.
Maggie: JORDAN IS A PICKY EATER LIKE ME THIS IS DESTINY.
Kelsey: I want all of those meats.
Kim: IDK I am terrified this whole roadside meat stop is going to end up like that scene in Bridesmaids. You know which one.

Maggie: Is it humid in Argentina? How does Robby maintain that perfectly coiffed swoop?
Kim: I am still MYSTIFIED about what is going on there.

Maggie: Real talk, I think Alex is a little too all business and goals oriented to connect with his heart on this date. He’s not soft enough somehow in general.
Kim: He’s so focused on WINNING I think he’s lost sight of whether or not he even LIKES JoJo.
Kelsey: How long is this date going to go, I can’t take his hat (beret?) much longer.

Kelsey: Okay the man with the horse seems fucking weird. I don’t like this.
Maggie: Does the gaucho with the horse remind anyone of the yoga date though?
Kim: OH MY GOD IT DOES.

Maggie: Wow, this is such a natural relaxed comfortable date, lying in a field spooning this horse with you.
Kim: Does it count as voyeurism if the horses watch? (Seriously, does this show know what I’ve been reading lately? Are they breaking into my iPad? If they do a Bodyguard type of date next, I’m calling the cops.)
Kelsey: Oh my god is Alex about to be little spoon?
Kim: Well, he is smol.
Maggie: Aw, give him a break, he’s big.

Maggie: “Today is just confirmation that somehow I’m still here” I couldn’t have put it better myself, Alex.
Kelsey: “I’m in a sense of enlightenment right now” Fuck you Alex.
Kim: Deep thoughts by a Smol Marine. (ALSO IS HE NOT PICKING UP HER VIBE? She is RADIATING “no romantic interest” here.)

Maggie: Robby’s style hews a little Miami Vice now and then, yes?
Kim: OH MY GOD I’VE FIGURED OUT WHAT ROBBY’S HAIR REMINDS ME OF.

Maggie: Ooh we finally got to another “I’m falling in love with you” which just underscores how much Robby jumped the gun. (For someone who’s gotten like no screen time, I’m sure talking a lot about Robby so far)
Kim: Dude, he’s spent like 5 minutes with her, he just thinks L-Bombs are how you win.

Maggie: Dude, is Alex going home right now????
Kim: Chris Harrison lulled him into a false sense of security by saying no one-on-one roses…
Kelsey: “From day one we’ve had a connection” Really? I literally feel zero chemistry between these two.
Kim: ZERO.

Maggie: GUYS ALEX IS GOING HOME RIGHT NOW.
Kim: Shouldn’t have gone with the premature L-bomb on the FIRST ONE ON ONE.
Kelsey: JoJo’s reaction to Alex telling her he’s falling in love with her was not a positive one. DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN JOJO.
Kim: Her face was literally “Oh shit, I have to send you home right now.”
Kelsey: “I don’t feel as excited as I should feel” Oh my. GET IT.
Maggie: I was not expecting this even though I knew that’s how she must be feeling, my heart stopped a little.
Kim: I ALWAYS respect when they don’t torment the people for a week before cutting them at the rose ceremony. When you know you know.

Maggie: Holy shit, Alex is going home. Right. Now.
Kim: YOU ARE SO ALIVE RIGHT NOW MAGGIE.
Maggie: I have a lot of respect for how she’s handling this, honestly she’s coming across so well this season. I don’t need Chris Harrison to tell me how strong and independent she is, okay.

Maggie: You just know he’s SEETHING on the inside. After they spooned that horse and everything.
Kim: He must feel so used.
Kelsey: Too bad this is the first shirt that really fits Alex properly.

Kelsey: Alex completely closes off. Which, honestly, would be my reaction, too.
Kim: I mean, I get being dumped on National TV is no fun but how could he have not seen that his relationship with JoJo was no where NEAR the rest? And at this point, there was no room to catch up. And like making her feel bad about it is just him trying to make HIMSELF feel better.
Maggie: I hate seeing her doubt herself, I think she did the exact right thing. JOJO YOU’RE GOOD, YOU DO YOU.
Kim: Bye Smol Regina George.

Kelsey: Private jet to Mendoza v. long car ride to the Estancia? Like, c’mon blatant favoritism.
Kim: I mean…he’s been the “frontrunner” since day one. Spoiler alert, that term is going to make you want to tear your hair out by the end of the episode.
Maggie: Okay this wine tasting date I can get behind. Also…what is this pattern on Jordan’s shorts, he’s such a Harry girl.
Kim: I love a man who is not afraid to rock a good pattern.

Maggie: Ew okay maybe I can’t get behind this date
Kelsey: Grape crushing reminds me of the grape crushing fail.
Kim: Oh, you mean this? SORRY I LAUGH EVERY TIME, I AM GOING TO HELL.

Kelsey: Okay they’re drinking their foot grape juice.
Kim: I don’t think that’s how it’s supposed to go. Also, we go to an orchard every fall to pick apples and they ALSO have grapes that you can pick off the vine and I SWEAR TO GOD those grapes are some of the best things I’ve ever put in my mouth. So I can see WHY they did this, even if I think it’s gross. Just say no to foot juice.
Maggie: I was so on board with this date idea, especially after the horse spooning fiasco with Smol, until they started drinking it and then I started throwing up.

Maggie: Luke and Chase are either downplaying or don’t know about the fact that Jojo supposedly met Jordan’s ex and got that scoop before filming, the “external hype” isn’t all it’s cracked up to be I KNOW HE’S MY FAVE BUT I’M SAYING.
Kim: Okay, with Smol Regina George gone, that bumps Cady/Jordan up to Head Plastic, right? Chase/Gretchen and Robby/Karen TOTALLY WANT TO STAB HIM.
Maggie: YES. EXACTLY THAT.

Maggie: “What does JoJo want to do with Luke on a one-on-one that she doesn’t want to do with me?” Sex, Chase. SEX.
Kelsey: JoJo-Luke one on one, seems like they’re just going to have sex.
Kim: I love that you two wrote that independantly. WIFE BRAIN. Also, accurate.

Maggie: Jojo and Jordan’s banter is just a liiiiiiittle awk.
Kim: I think they are REALLY still in the “OMG I have to impress this person” phase where they make awkward jokes that only Harry Styles can pull off and on the inside you KNOW Jordan is just going “I carried a watermelon?”

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HOF at SDCC AGAIN – Our Expectations and Wildest Dreams

only at comic con

Posted by Kim and Sage

It’s almost the day of the show, y’all! San Diego Comic Con is just over a week away. Surely the city is neck-deep in preparations for the hordes of nerds about to roll in from all corners of the world. It’s our second ever SDCC, so we’re coming back a little seasoned, a lot wiser, and very well-educated on the danger of sand fleas. (Hall H line: bug spray is your friend.) The full schedule dropped this weekend, so we’ve been honing our own. Read on for a sneak peek at the panels and parties we’ll be live-tweeting from SDCC 2016, plus our craziest fantasies and sensible expectations of what they’ll entail. –Sage

Preview Night

happy hunger games

Wildest Dream: We have very little concept of what preview night entails, since we were ensconced in the Hall H line the whole time last year. So our wildest dreams clearly entail getting all the exclusives and swag we want in one fell swoop so we don’t have to lug purchases around the rest of the con.

Expectation: We go home early because this one is on America’s Got Talent that night.

LOOK AT OUR SON.

Thursday

Classic Nickelodeon Animation Panel

rocko's

Wildest Dream: We’ll be launched back into our childhoods by the sheer force of nostalgia. No bills, no periods, no Tinder matches who text gross things after seeming normal for a while.

Expectation: Every millennial at the con will be in this room.

Moana: The Art of Story

Wildest Dream: Lin Manuel Miranda will make an appearance; jump on the dais to perform “My Shot”; and then stay for two hours afterward to take selfies with everyone.

Expectation: Some footage, MAYBE a clip of one of the songs.

The Good Place Screening and Q&A

Wildest Dream: We’ll get to meet Mike Schur and thank him for making inclusive comedies with diverse casts that make us feel like the world isn’t a four-alarm trash fire 24/7.

Expectation: We’ll skip this entire thing to get into the Mr. Robot line.

Colony

Wildest Dream: One or both of us will be lured back in to this show.

Expectation: We’ll ogle Josh Holloway and get spoiled on the first season.

Mr. Robot

mr robot

Wildest Dream: Sam Esmail, Rami Malek, and the rest of the cast will be able to answer any audience question about season 2 without being cryptic and vague.

Expectation: Upon realizing she’s breathing the same air as Rami, Sage will cease doing so and therefore die.

Fandom Comic Con Party

party

Wildest Dream: There won’t be a line to get in. The swag will be sick. The promised “celebs” will be B-list or above.

Expectation: We’ll get shut out and have to eat overpriced rubbery burgers at the actual Hard Rock Cafe.

Friday

The Big Bang Theory Writers Panel

Wildest Dream: Chuck Lorre and crew do an hour-long apology for how this show ACTUALLY makes fun of nerds instead of celebrating them. Mayim Bialik returns and does a sacrificial bonfire of all the misogynistic scripts.

Expectation: Graeme Burk storifies our snarky tweets again.

Bones

bones

Wildest Dream: Creator Hart Hanson makes a surprise appearance and reveals that Sweets ACTUALLY isn’t dead but has been in Witness Protection this whole time and he’ll be returning for the final season.

Expectation: We get an hour-long LOVE FEST as this long-running favorite says farewell to SDCC ahead of its final season. We get the season finale spoiled for us since it will have just aired the night before.

The 100

the 100

Wildest Dream: Ricky Whittle will storm the panel, demanding justice for Lincoln with Alycia Debnam-Carey at his side carrying a banner for Lexa. Everyone holds Jason Rothenberg accountable for how the show went off the rails this season and he says it was all a fever dream.

Expectation: Ricky and Alycia are too busy STARRING ON THEIR OWN SHOWS to be bothered with this. Rothenberg is let off the hook since the rest of the cast fears for their jobs. Bob Morley’s shoulders are broad.

Powerless

Wildest Dream: Danny Pudi and Vanessa Hudgens grace us with a song and dance number. Danny says “Cool. Cool cool cool.” at least once during the panel.

Expectation: We find ourselves completely endeared by this comedy, dooming it to cancellation.

American Gods

ricky whittle

Wildest Dream: Our queen Gillian Anderson and our BFF Orlando Jones are last-minute additions to this panel.

Expectation: Ricky Whittle charms the whole room. Bryan Fuller wears an outrageous suit. We see a sizzle reel for the upcoming premiere.

Orphan Black

krystal

Wildest Dream: Graeme Manson tells us he was just kidding with that whole “Next season is the final season” thing. Tatiana Maslany does the whole panel in character as Helena and/or Krystal.

Expectation: Jordan Gavaris’ natural speaking voice fucks us up once again. Everyone worships Tatiana for the goddess that she is whilst the lady herself gets SUPER bashful about the praise. There is either a party or a protest regarding Tat’s Emmy Nomination. We’ll know which way that cookie crumbles on July 14.

Preacher

preacher

Wildest Dream: Our dear friend Samuel Anderson has let HIS good buddy Dominic Cooper know how awesome we are and WE become friends with Dominic too, bringing us one step closer to becoming best friends with James Corden. THE HISTORY BOYS, Y’ALL.

Expectation: Joe Gilgun (Cassidy) having a British Accent as opposed to an Irish one FUCKS US UP. Dominic Cooper smolders.

SherlockeDCC 

stag night

Wildest Dream: Benedict Cumberbatch drops by, since he’s in town for the Doctor Strange panel.

Expectation: We drink too much wine and start saying “Am I a pretty lady?” to each other.

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