Maggie: Guys, remember what a train wreck Jojo’s hometown was last season? Do we usually see more of the family during the season or did Ben’s parents just not have a lot going on?
Kim: We’ll see JoJo’s family in the finale. That will be it. Okay the Hometown dates are USUALLY where we will see the next Bachelor emerge. So keep your eyes peeled, ladies.
HOMETOWN ONE: CHASE
Maggie: Okay, they seem cute, right?? That was a cute greeting, I didn’t think they had that much there.
Kim: Chase has been the ultimate dark horse this season. I had NO feelings about him like 2 episodes ago and now I am declaring him too pure for this show.
Maggie: I officially feel a little bad for referring to him as Jordan Light for so long, you guys.
Kelsey: Chase calling his family a “broken home” made me want to vomit. Is that his sob story?
Oh god, he’s making into a sob story. Jesus. Ok is it bad that I just want him to get the fuck over it?
Maggie: Listen. Colin’s parents got divorced like 18, 19 years ago. And we talk about it every single time we see his mom. I’m not exaggerating, it always comes up somehow. So even though my parents are still married, the Chase situation all felt very normal to me and not over the top. But. Yeah, I guess that was his sob story??? DON’T MAKE ME SAY BAD THINGS ABOUT CHASE, KELSEY.
Kim: REMEMBER HOW WE WERE ALL AMBIVALENT TOWARDS HIM TWO EPISODES AGO?
Maggie: Oh this is hella awkward though, has Chase ever asked his dad why the first marriage didn’t work out off camera??
Kelsey: So did Chase not see his dad for like years before that? I would NEVER put a new partner through that.Also, if I put this in my situation, there was a long time I didn’t talk to my mom. If I met someone during that time, I would not ask her opinion of that person, because we weren’t close. It feels like this situation is either a stretch or ABC forced them into it and it was fucking weird.
Kim: AWKWARD FAMILY THERAPY BY THE BACHELORETTE. (I’m SURE he has, this was a blatant set-up. CHASE IS LEARNING TO LOVE AGAIN.)
Maggie: Actually altogether, that was a great visit with Chase’s dad, right???
Kim: It WAS. Chase is SLAYING this so far.
Maggie: Chase’s mom is SO HAPPY, you guys.
Kelsey: Chase’s mom is just laying out facts about JoJo. Great laugh. Loves dogs. Hates fish.
Kim: All very important things in a daughter-in-law.
Maggie: Text from Kim: This is the bachelor edit.
Kim: I AM NOT WRONG.
Maggie: God I love this conversation between Chase’s mom and Jojo. I can’t even process all of this.
Kim: She is PRECIOUS. God, I am watching this whole date like I’ve never watched this show before. I am getting sucked in.
Maggie: CHASE AND HIS SISTER ARE SO CUTE, OMG AARGH
Kim: HE IS NAILING THIS.
Maggie: Side note, at this point it feels like it was ten years ago that Robby said I love you to JoJo AND CHASE IS TAKING IT SO SERIOUSLY. FUCK ROBBY.
Kim: Honestly, I keep forgetting Robby is here.
Maggie: STOP IT SANDY I’M GOING TO CRY JFC
Kim: YEP. SHE LOVES HER SON SO MUCH AND SHE JUST WANTS HIM TO BE OPEN TO LOVE HELP ME. (Maggie it’s SO FIC!Louis and Jay isn’t it???)
Maggie: Ohhhhhhhhhhh it IS.
Maggie: CHASE CRIED THE WALLS ARE DOWNNNNNNNNNNNN
Kim: SINGLE TEAR I AM ON FIRE.
Maggie: Can I just say, I really prefer the I’m falling in love with you over I love you for this show?? It’s so much more believable.
Kim: I hear you. However, I just feel like the way Chase dropped the L-Bomb was the most believable so far. It’s the whispered confession while they are wrapped up together right before she’s about to leave. (Can you tell I just finished my Outlander recap?) It’s not showy. It felt REAL. I made dolphin noises you guys.
Maggie: If you DIDN’T make dolphin noises, you’re dead inside. Sorry not sorry.
HOMETOWN TWO: JORDAN
Kelsey: I love JoJo’s reaction to these deer. Adorable.
Maggie: That really is a lot of fucking deer, okay?
Kim: JoJo and the way she reacts to animals though. It’s like she’s a damn Disney Princess.
Kelsey: Chase set the bar really high and so this high school visit just seems like ugh I’M SORRY JORDAN ILY.
Kim: It SCREAMS “I peaked in high school” and that is just NOT attractive.
Maggie: I…can’t disagree. My fave is problematic.
Kelsey: Whoa JoJo kissing Jordan against the desk, ok. Now agains the boooookssss.
Kim: Kissing AGAINST things is his signature move. It’s a good one.
Maggie: Okay it was getting pretty steamy with the library makeout and then the “I can’t wait for you to meet my family” like, bro YOU’RE MAKING OUT RN.
Kelsey: Is Jordan not having a high school sweetheart his sob story? Nope, back to the Aaron Rodgers sob story.
Maggie: This convo is what the entire season has been building to.
Kim: The Faux-casual “Oh is that your brother?” IS TOO MUCH. The whole thing gives me the willies. It’s so NOT GENUINE.
Maggie: Wait, we’re NOT having the convo???
Kim: HE’S TOO UNCOMFORTABLE TO TALK ABOUT THE (FAKE) RIFT WITH HIS BROTHER.
Kelsey: Do they all have the same haircut?
Maggie: THEY DO.
Kim: Jordan’s is the swoopiest.
Kelsey: OH MY GOD THE EMPTY CHAIRS FOR DRAMATIC EFFECT.
Maggie: The empty chairs are truly my favorite thing.
Kim: THERE’S A GRIEF THAT CAN’T BE SPOKEN. THERE’S A PAIN GOES ON AND OOOOOOONNNNNNN…
Maggie: Jesus, I hope Aaron Rodgers is cozy under that bus he keeps getting thrown under.
Kim: He’s cozy with Olivia, his rescue dogs, his Super Bowl Championship ring and MVP Trophy, and his MILLIONS. Aaron is FYNE.
Maggie: I do believe things might have been even harder for Jordan following in Aaron’s footsteps, I’m prone to take the younger sibling’s side since being the youngest in my family is a huge part of my identity.
Kim: See, I am an oldest child, so my instinct is to be like “IT’S NOT MY FAULT I PAVED THE WAY.” (This makes me sound horrible but my sister and I had a VERY similar conflict in high school cause she kept getting tired of being called Kim’s sister. LOOK I AM JUST BEING ME.)
Maggie: It’s not a slam on Aaron by any means, especially because they’re getting off on withholding the whole story apparently, but in general it’s difficult to make your own and stand out and be independent when you’re never the first or only one to accomplish anything.
Kim: You make a valid point but I feel like they are being all Jordan worked so hard and got nowhere as if Aaron DIDN’T work hard to get to where he is? IDK Family dynamics are hard.
Maggie: They’re not painting a clear enough picture, they haven’t even explained really Jordan not playing anymore have they?? But yeah, FAMILY UGH.
Maggie: Does Jordan like not come home for Christmas or something, like angle of being SO. HAPPY. TO. SEE. EACH. OTHER. is confusing to me.
Kim: Honestly, I am getting the vibe that JORDAN is the estranged one, not Aaron.
Maggie: WAS THAT JOJO’S FIRST “I’M FALLING IN LOVE WITH”???
Kim: I BELIEVE SO.
Kelsey: JoJo wants to say I love you to Jordannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn. This is over, let’s call Neil Lane.
Kim: Honestly, this has been over since Jordan got out of the limo.
Maggie: Aw that’s saddd that what Ben did still has that affect on her.
Kim: BEN IS THE FUCKING WORST.
Maggie: Listen, Jordan’s season was going too well, why didn’t I expect him to whiff hometowns???
Kim: I still think he’s fine. I don’t think he’s in a massive position of having to make a case for himself to get to the fantasy suite dates.
HOMETOWN THREE: UGH. ROBBY.
Maggie: “Best case scenario is that today Jojo tells me she loves me.” OH HONEY.
Kim: Listen you jag. JoJo JUST got off a season where the Lead broke the “Don’t tell anyone you love them” rule with two people. She’s not telling ANYONE she loves them to their face. At least I hope she won’t.
Kelsey: Oh my god, hearing Robby call JoJo his girlfriend felt weirdddd. Also I’m not a huge fan of Florida, and I DEFINITELY would not want to live there.
Maggie: Factually correct.
Maggie: MORE HORSES, KIM.
Kim: I WANNA GROW SOMETHING WILD AND UNRULY. (I really need to re-read that over SDCC.)
Maggie: He’s getting her drunk, guys, it’s all part of his Stockholm Syndrome plan.
Kim: He’s giving off SERIOUS serial killer vibes. IT’S THE CRAZY EYES.
Kelsey: Robby’s last relationship was three months ago, and Robby he told JoJo he loves her like a month ago, it just feels so soon. “You are everything.” GET A FUCKING LIFE ROBBY.
Maggie: Why does Robby have such a big family?
Kim: More importantly, why do all the brother have the same weird hair dome?
Kelsey: OK but Robby’s dad reaction to their arrival was ADORABLE. Can Robby’s dad be the next Bachelor?
Maggie: Jojo tried to say something and Robby talked louder over her. RED FLAG.
Kim: Oh, I didn’t catch that. GOOD EYE MARSHMALLOW.
Kelsey: Maybe he’s the Biblical Head of Household type.
Kim: OH GOD RUN AWAY.
Maggie: Slow your roll, Robby’s mom, did Jojo use the words “falling in love” because I don’t think so but also I keep zoning out during this hometown.
Kim: SHE DID USE THE WORDS FALLING IN LOVE. WHY?
Kelsey: How can she like him so much? I literally don’t get it.
Maggie: Robby just cut his mom off too while she was trying to talk I’M JUST SAYING.
Kim: Kelsey, you totally hit the nail on the head. He’s totally a “Women should be submissive” type. And NOT submissive in a hot way.
Maggie: DID HE SAY NIP IT IN THE BUTT?
Kim: OH MY GOD.
Kelsey: Ben’s response: “This guy is a fucking moron.”
Maggie: “Apparently out in the world, there’s chatter” Yes, The Bachelorette CIA have picked up some chatter.
Kim: Feels good. Feels organic.
Maggie: I love how they keep saying “ex” like The Ex Who Shall Not Be Named.
Kim: I mean it’s like how I just call my ex “Asshole” or “Dickhead” or “Voldemort”. Some people don’t need to be named.
Maggie: Oh, Hope. Sorry. Bitch got named.
Kelsey: Whoa HOPE SLAPPED ROBBY IN THE FACE.
Kim: I like her already.
Maggie: Same. I’m jealous that she got to do that.
Kelsey: Ok they broke up three months ago, they’ve been on the show, two months? WHat’s the casting process like? I mean, I don’t know if I believe Robby.
Kim: I DEFINITELY don’t believe him. The timing is too close. And you can tell JOJO doesn’t believe him. Not in her heart of hearts. The way he’s stammering nonsense says everything to me. NO ONE GOES ON THIS SHOW FOR GENUINE I WANT TO FALL IN LOVE REASONS. NO ONE. THEY ALL JUST WANT TO BE ON TV AND GET FREE VACATIONS.
Kelsey: I LOVE how she keeps trying to call him out.
Kim: He’s a slimy motherfucker though. I can’t believe he wiggled his way out of this.
Kelsey: I feel like Robby is trying to make her feel guilty for feeling unsure about this. Jesus man.
Kim: BIBLICAL HEAD OF HOUSEHOLD.
Maggie: Guys. I can’t. Robby sucks. Send him home, let Florida have him.
HOMETOWN FOUR: LUKE, OKAY. ONE MORE. WE CAN DO THIS.
Maggie: We’re all waiting for that emotional depth, Jojo. And we shouldn’t hold our breath.
Kim: He’s a robot.
Maggie: I’d be more nervous about meeting the couple of buddies, I think actually, being a girls’ girl who never had brothers or straight guy friends growing up.
Kim: As someone who values my friends on a completely different level than my family, I totally agree. (Look my family is stuck with me no matter what, my friends and I CHOOSE each other. It’s a totally different kind of bond.) Meeting friends is way more nerve-wracking to me.
Kim: Okay, him keep saying it’s a surprise and then turning on to a dirt road just gives me the “I’m going to murder you” vibes. I’ve seen this movie before.
Maggie: It’s a party of 50 people????? OH HELL NO.
Kelsey: …And fifty of my closest friends. This is my worst case scenario. She seems SO HAPPY about it.
Maggie: No, no, I’m glad Jojo’s fitting in but this is my nightmare.
Kim: She IS from Texas though, maybe this is just what Texans do.
Kelsey: “You got the cowboy boots, the cutoff shorts, I look over thinking dang you look good, I hope that’s how you felt.” Wat?
Kim: Speaking of cutoffs, I COMPLETELY judged this “Meeting the Family” outfit. Look a little nicer please.
Maggie: It seemed so “JoJo” to me, I didn’t even notice.
Maggie: Luke can “get feedback,” that’s some weirdly formal language for bringing your girlfriend home to meet the family.
Kim: HE IS A ROBOT.
Kelsey: I think Luke is trying to be really deep right now but his vocabulary is so smol. PS I just creeped SMOL’s instagram and it’s what you’d expect.
Kim: Oh God, I can’t.
Maggie: WAR VETERAN WAR VETERAN WAR VETERAN DID EVERYONE GET THAT?
Kim: It’s so hilarious to me that we found out this weekend that Luke is actually a songwriter? I guess since they already had James Taylor they had to package him as something else.
Maggie: “He can’t even boil water, JoJo” YAS GRANDPA DRAG HIM.
Kelsey: GRANDPA FOR BACHELOR.
Maggie: JoJo did fit in really well but honestly I also think she’s just a people person and very social by nature, just saying.
Kelsey: I TOTALLY agree. Her energy was all about it, total extrovert style. Get it, girl.
Maggie: I feel like he’s just playing a part here, how jaded am I?
Kim: I AM SO PROUD.
Maggie: Why are we suddenly in a Nicholas Sparks movie?? No one else got this kind of setup!
Kim: Gag me. Also he totally ripped this off from Meredith Grey and her house of candles.
Kelsey: What if the candle path to the heart is a lead up and he actually proposes? Like, fuck the conventions of this show, Imma take you to my bed tonight.
Kim: That would be SUCH a Quinn/Rachel move.
Kelsey: “My heart is out there for you. And it’s all of it.” He still hasn’t said anything real.
Kim: What even was that line?
Kelsey: “I just want you to know in two days, you captured my heart. You lassoed it. You lassoed my heart. You lassoed my heart and threw it past the moon.” -Andrew, (Ben’s friend) mocking Luke.
Maggie: Andrew should write Luke’s dialogue.
Maggie: Hey, Chris Harrison exists. Thanks for the reminder, I guess.
Kelsey: He has my dream job.
Maggie: Did anyone else think it sounded like Robby whispered “hey Chad” when Chase got to the rose ceremony?
Kim: HAHAHAHA That would be a twist.
Kelsey: Chase: “I want her to fall in love with me, too.” Ben: “should have picked a better suit.”
Kim: Yeah, everyone’s suit game is a bit lacking tonight.
Maggie: I liked the other blue dress better. You know the one.
Kim: Yes, I think I agree with you. The tailoring on BOTH dresses is impeccable though. Kudos to her stylist.
Kelsey: Andrew predicts that Luke goes home. Wow, looks like he’s right. I can’t believe that she tells us beforehand? Kills the suspense, ABC.
Kim: This is when I texted Maggie “GASP”. She’s not letting her lust rule her choices, I am so proud.
Maggie: WHAT NOW.
Kim: My FAVORITE thing was Jordan’s reaction when Luke halted the Rose Ceremony asking to talk to JoJo. He was all “Didn’t he have a whole day to say what he needed to say?” MEAN GIRLS ACTIVATE.
Maggie: WHAT IS HAPPENING YOU GUYS?
Kim: A HAIL MARY I LOVE YOU IS HAPPENING.
Maggie: OH LUKE HONEY.
Maggie: SEND ROBBY HOME INSTEAD AND THEN YOU CAN BANG LUKE IN THE FANTASY SUITE.
Kim: Seriously, I thought that would have been the plan. I don’t get the Robby thing.
Kelsey: Whoa, now JoJo doesn’t know what to do. Jesus.
Maggie: I feel so bad for her, this all comes across as so genuine right now.
Kim: At the same time, I am a little like if she’s swayed that easily, I am a little disturbed? OR she is really just set on two people and the third was a free pass. That’s the more likely scenario.
Maggie: TO BE CONTINUED WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?
Maggie: NO I CAN’T DO ANOTHER TWO-NIGHT EVENT THE LAST ONE ALMOST KILLED ME.
Kim: AND the week after SDCC Imma die.
Maggie: Oh god, no one cares about your fucking shirt, Evan LET IT GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Kim: The Men Tell All is REALLY my favorite thing. BRING ON THE CATTY MEN.
Maggie: Yeah, Derek, how’s life since you left Argentina IN TEARS?? This show is savage, man.
Kim: Yeah, Derek seems REAL broken up on social media.
Maggie: Take it down a notch to Mussolini, I almost forgot that moment, oh my god. Okay, fine, Men Tell All, bring it.