AKA Men are So Catty, the Semi-Live version. Let’s do this.
Maggie: “My man, Luke Pell!” That’s the first time James Taylor hasn’t made me want to vomit, honestly.
Kim: James Taylor was made for these kind of reunion shows, honestly.
Maggie: THE CHAD BEAR RETURNS. YAS THE DRAMA IS MY PERSONAL BRAND OF HEROIN, GUYS.
Kim: GOD this whole set-up is ridiculous from Chad Bear in all black to the whole fake segregation thing. Did they ACTUALLY keep him separate in his own trailer? I doubt it. However, I love this shit. Pass the popcorn.
Maggie: Side note, after years of watching Bravo reunions, it’s weird to me that there’s a studio audience for this. I can’t even imagine how that would go with Housewives. Or Vanderpump Rules, god forbid.
Kim: Having ALWAYS watched these the concept of no live audience boggles my mind. Is the situation too volatile over at Bravo? Or just too heavily edited? Enlighten me.
Maggie: I don’t know how pretty it would be for Bravolebrities to feed off an audience’s energy for 12 hours of filming??
Kim: All of them are Chads is what you are saying, yes?
Maggie: Mostly, yes.
Maggie: Chris Harrison is no Andy Cohen, either.
Maggie: AND CUE CHAD EATING.
Kim: His very own meat plate, just for him.
Maggie: “Yes, ladies, Luke is here.” Next Bachelor?
Kim: Yes, I think so. Both Luke and Chase had very dramatic exits which sets up the whole redemption/he deserves to find love arc but it seems like the audience is responding more to Luke. I’m going to need him to bring a LITTLE more personality next season though.
Maggie: Just like ANY emotion behind the eyes, please and thank you.
Maggie: I love the lady in the audience nodding at the fact that Robby and Jordan are total opposites. Okay, maybe I can get used to this.
Kim: Either everyone in this audience is a plant playing along with a pre-approved script or they actually find the people who completely believe that all this shit is real. I don’t know which option troubles me more.
Maggie: My best guess is some combination of the two, plus Vinny’s mom.
Maggie: Me every time I see a Bachelor in Paradise promo:
Kim: You have no idea how accurate that gif is, Marshmallow.
Maggie: “I’ve had so much protein!” Drunk Chian singing. This is me whenever I’m in the groove of eating well.
Kim: I have to point out you originally typed “Chiam” which is just a reminder that THAT is still supposedly a thing. Which makes me dead inside.
Maggie: Just like the light in Liam’s eyes.
Maggie: “Fuck you, Chris Harrison!” WAIT GUYS AM I CHAD?
Kim: I think we are all Chad in that moment. Also REALLY how long is he going to be on BIP if he is this volatile? Like what woman is ACTUALLY going to want to hook up with this neanderthal? I mean I know we all have caveman fantasies sometimes, ladies, but have some respect for yourself.
Maggie: He’s not even that hot AND he hogs all the food.
Kim: And not in a cute “JOEY DOESN’T SHARE FOOD” way.
Maggie: What is this show??????? I don’t???
Kim: It is SUCH a hot mess, Maggie, I can’t wait for you to watch it.
Maggie: Jared? Jarrett? He pretty.
Kim: Jared. He was quite the desirable property last season on BIP. He got tangled up with crybaby Ashley and it was…not pretty. She was cray cray but he was a bit of a douche about it cause he was clearly enjoying getting his ding-dang played with until someone more stable came along. LIKE I SAID THIS SHOW WILL GIVE YOU AN STD WATCH IT WHILST COVERED IN A BODY CONDOM.
Kim: Time to bring out JoJo’s men. FINALLY.
Maggie: I forgot the Bachelor superfan EXISTED.
Kim: These shows are always fun for the moments where you go OH THAT GUY HE WAS ON THIS SHOW RIGHT.
Maggie: ALI EYEBROWS.
Kim: Still looking FINE, I might add.
Maggie: Oh, right, Santa. OH THE KILT GUY.
Kim: See what I mean? I don’t remember half of these assholes. The fun part will be seeing which guy who had the least amount of screentime will try to draw the most attention to himself.
Maggie: I don’t want to hear this sex criminal hair weasel talk, ugh.
Kim: Shout out to our Nashville insider that confirmed that Evan is as insufferable IRL as he was on the show.
Maggie: BOOTS ON THE GROUND.
Kim: I don’t know what that means.
Maggie: Ah, sorry. That’s a thing on that Housewives podcast that I listen to. BUT IT APPLIES.
Kim: Okay I trust you.
Maggie: See you and me are just watching, but our insider has boots on the ground and is reporting back.
Kim: OH MY GOD IT’S LIKE WE ARE LIVING HAMILTON WITH A SPY ON THE INSIDE.
Maggie: JoJo: hot as a burning car, thanks show, got it.
Kim: It’s not The Bachelorette without some heavy-handed sexist metaphors.
Maggie: “Evan, stop talking.” I THINK I’M CHAD, OH MY GOD.
Kim: To get Freudian, Chad is totally the Id of this show. And it works but JESUS CHRIST it’s exhausting the way he NEVER employs a filter.
Maggie: SMOL IN AN OVERSIZED CHAIR BLESS.
Kim: HI SMOL REGINA GEORGE I ALMOST MISSED YOU.
Maggie: Okay, what I’m gathering from this montage is they had a lot of Grant footage that they didn’t use and I am pissed.
Kim: This is truly upsetting. He better be the STAR of Bachelor in Paradise or I will riot.
Kim: Look the clique was the greatest thing about this season. Sorry for all the suckers on the outside, but you know I speak the truth. Side note, Sage and I went to see the VERY man heavy Troilus and Cressida this weekend and I really wished you were there because MEN ARE SO CATTY. They have ALWAYS been catty, it goes all the way back to the Greeks and the Trojans.
Maggie: I would sit for three hours in the rain for catty men, I swear to God.
Kim: We had no regrets.
Maggie: Oh, shit, Santa, tell us how you really feel.
Kim: And here’s our dude who is gonna make a grab for dramatics even though he got very little screentime.
Maggie: Ohh Wells breaking it down, I don’t think he’s completely right but respect.
Kim: He’s such a perfectly nice young man. As confirmed by our Nashville insider: “He’s like a lot of the music guys in Nashville who aren’t musicians. Which means you don’t want to punch them in the face or shove a normal label beer down their throats.”
Maggie: WOOOOOO MILITARY.
Kim: I love how Luke, the marketed “war veteran”, never played up his military past with the other men like Smol did. ALSO as a point of interest, we stayed with our friend Jane in San Diego and her husband is a Navy man and over some delicious port he started talking about the stereotypical type of guys who are in the Marines and IT FIT THE SMOL SO HARD. He was like so many of them enlist so young and they are HOTHEADS who like to assert their masculinity and that type of behavior is encouraged. (He was very careful to say not ALL marines just a big majority of the ones he’s encountered on his tours.) Suddenly everything about Alex made sense.
Maggie: Literal boots on the ground. Thank you, Mr. Jane.
Maggie: “Or you can choose to be a clown” So Luke was NOT in Smol’s clique.
Kim: Luke has no time for Alex’s nonsense and this is the most I’ve ever liked him.
Maggie: I want Evan to stop with the steroids thing, too far.
Kim: I just want Evan to stop in general. God, I am going to cringe so hard at him on BIP.
Maggie: ALI EYEBROWSSS MISS YOU.
Kim: He got so shafted on this show because he truly seems like he is a delight.
Maggie: Chris Harrison is telling me Chad’s not watching this on the monitor backstage? That sounds fake, but okay.
Kim: This whole nonsense is SO STAGED. As soon as the finale airs, I’m going to Reality Steve to try to see if he has any dirt about how things REALLY were with Chad as far as the awkward. I mean, this kind of animosity can’t be faked but so much of it has GOT to be heightened for the drama.
Maggie: Chad x meat platter, the real ship.
Kim: I am still like…don’t you want some bread or something for that, bro? Just straight meat? Okay.
Maggie: He’s so Ron Swanson RN.
Maggie: God we were such bitches about the dead mom. Whatever, we’re fyne.
Kim: Look, I’m going to Hell cause I am not even sorry about it.
Maggie: BE MORE LIKE MUSSOLINI GOD BLESS CANADIAN VAMPIRE.
Kim: Honestly, if he doesn’t wear a t-shirt with that phrase on it for Bachelor in Paradise, I’m going to be upset.
Maggie: I just LOVE that they needed him for that show so there would be a guy willing to talk to Chad. MORE LIFE ADVICE PLEASE. But only about which dictators he should be.
Maggie: But what does “frat” mean to Chad? I don’t get what he’s saying about the dynamic because Chad kind of seems like a frat bro, right?
Kim: OH MY GOD HE IS THE BIGGEST FRAT BRO. You KNOW he was the brother in charge of initiation for the pledges and made them do crazy ass shit like cleaning the floor with toothbrushes and then he would pee all over it when they were almost done.
Maggie: CHASE IS A FINE GUY, THANK YOU.
Kim: At least Chad can recognize that Chase is too good and too pure for this shit show. PLEASE DON’T MAKE HIM THE BACHELOR PLEASE.
Maggie: I think his lack of engaging during the ep, esp when combined with Luke jumping in on the smol analysis, is a good indicator he won’t be, yes?
Kim: Yes. If Luke is not the next Bachelor, I will eat a raw sweet potato Chad style.
Maggie: There you have it, the newbie catches up to the veteran.
Kim: I could not be more proud.
Maggie: I literally don’t believe he has dirt on James Taylor, James Taylor isn’t interesting enough for there to be dirt.
Kim: I would LOVE to see whatever dirt he has though, just so I can learn how sad it is.
Maggie: Dating the exes is a bold fucking move, man, and by the way this is kind of the equivalent of Alex concentrating on the other guys instead of JoJo, right?? It’s like similar in my mind, does that make sense?
Kim: No, it makes total sense. Like why does he feel the need to get all sorts of secrets on all these guys and then try to expose them? No one is going to remember half of these dudes a week from now. Chad REALLY is a megolamaniac if he thinks ANY of this dirt matters beyond “After the Final Rose”. UNLESS he is an undercover reporter for In Touch or something.
Maggie: Wait, who was rushing Chad, was that Santa? Didn’t he get sent home like a hundred years ago, why does he care so much?
Kim: HE WANTS HIS 15 SECONDS OF FAME MAGGIE.
Maggie: This poor “security guard.”
Kim: THIS SHIT IS HILARIOUS. So real, so organic.
Maggie: “Your pocket square doesn’t match your shirt” MEN ARE SO CATTY I AM SO ALIVE FIRE EMOJI FIRE EMOJI FIRE EMOJI
Kim: I need to file that away for future insults.
Maggie: Don’t say Joelle, Chad, just don’t.
Kim: It’s so weird when ANY of them call her that, TBH. Like she goes by JoJo, call her JoJo. I feel like her full name is only reserved for special people (The way I feel about being called Kimberly) and you are not one of them Chad. (Or Robby. GOD ROBBY.)
Maggie: Right, you can’t force your way into being a special person by using it, it’s so inorganic and almost offensive. I’m very particular about names and nicknames, etc. I don’t know if Joelle is us.
Maggie: Say what you will about Chad, but he’s not dumb.
Kim: That’s the most terrifying thing about him. HE IS NOT AT ALL DUMB.
Maggie: Oh, did he date Jordan’s ex-girlfriend too?
Kim: Tracking down all the exes so he can get gossip/do them is GROSS. It’s just gross.
Maggie: Listen, I hate Robby more than anyone, and I totally believe he’s said something to Hope about not doing interviews, but “or I’m gonna get ya”? Bitch, please. Make your lies plausible, okay.
Kim: I genuinely hope (ba-dum-bum) we get some truth about the Hope situation on After the Final Rose tonight. I am DYING to know more.
Maggie: YAS GO TO THE TAPE.
Kim: *seal claps*
Maggie: Okay, there was a push but the shirt grab DID look a lot more forceful? No one cares about Evan’s shirt, though, right??
Maggie: Grant should have been a MUCH BIGGER DEAL this season.
Kim: REMEMBER HOW DAPPER HE WAS? REMEMBER HOW HE WORE BRACES TO ONE OF THE ROSE CEREMONIES? I WEEP FOR ALL WE DIDN’T GET WITH GRANT.
Maggie: NO I FORGOT THE BRACES UGH.
Maggie: Yeah, it seems like no one is really blameless for the dynamic in the house?
Kim: Say the thing, Maggie.
Maggie: MEN ARE SO CATTY. (I feel like a young woman tells a catcaller to fuck off every time I type that.)
Kim: It’s our version of “Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings”.
Maggie: EXACTLY. Let’s type it some more. MEN ARE SO CATTY.
Kim: MEN ARE SO CATTY.
Maggie: Yes, Chad is entertaining, but this entire show can’t be about him, it’s The Bachelorette,not The Chadchelorette.
Kim: Yes, this is about the point where I was like OKAY CAN WE MOVE ON I WANT TO TALK TO CHASE.
Maggie: Luke looks gooooood, guys. I don’t know, I always thought he was hot.
Kim: He’s a bit of a two face for me. Some times I JUST can’t get past the vacant eyes.
Maggie: They keep saying he’s deep and it’s just like I don’t???? EXPLAIN. I WILL WAIT.
Maggie: Possible unpopular opinion alert: I thought THAT blue dress was a little tacky. And after the knockout blue from earlier in the season, if you’re going to repeat the color then you have to make sure it’s on the same level and this one just was not. Beautifully fitted, yes. But tacky.
Kim: I wouldn’t go as far as to call the blue sequin dress tacky, but the previous blue evening gown WAS much better. UGH REMEMBER HOW THE TRAIN FLOWED WHEN SHE SAT DOWN ON THE STEP. Gorgeous.
Maggie: This is actually really classy, guys.
Kim: Oh yeah, this is them teeing him up for the Bachelor. It’s happening.
Maggie: In the field with the rose petals and candles wasn’t once in a lifetime enough? That was the whole point of that scene. They overlaid music and everything.
Kim: It was a fucking Nicholas Sparks novel. Clearly JoJo is not a Nicholas Sparks fan and that’s why it didn’t work.
Maggie: Ooh, this bit about living life to the fullest. Wait, do I like Luke now???
Kim: Meet me in Montauk, Luke.
Maggie: He WISHES he were that deep.
Maggie: That really felt like lead up to a Bachelor announcement, didn’t it?
Kim: Like I said. I’ll eat a raw sweet potato if it’s not.
Maggie: Chase, our cinnamon roll <3
Kim: Too good, too pure.
Maggie: DON’T REMIND ME ABOUT THE YOGA DATE, SHOW.
Kim: Remember when we didn’t like Chase? I still object to that ribcage tattoo though.
Maggie: Oh my god you guys, this is too fresh, I’m going to cry. It was so hard for him to open up and put himself out there and just…
Kim: THIS HURTS.
Maggie: I am the lady in the audience with tears in her eyes.
Kim: Listen, if they announced him for The Bachelor, you would need to pull a Zayn and make me audition and then everything can end up like this fic.
Maggie: OH HELL YES I WOULD. Then I would fly in for hometowns so I could meet him even though you would want to be eliminated before then.”
Kim: Oh please, you know I would end up falling for him and I would want to stay. I AM LOUIS.
Maggie: Damn right, you savvy son of a bitch.
Maggie: HE’S CHOKED UP OH MY GOD I MIGHT HAVE TO PUT THIS EPISODE IN THE FREEZER TOO.
Kim: POOR BB IT IS OKAY.
Maggie: WE’RE ALL STILL A LITTLE EMOTIONAL ABOUT IT, CHRIS HARRISON.
Kim: Thanks, Captain Obvious. WE THE AUDIENCE HAVE NOT HAD TIME TO MOURN THIS IS WHY YOU GIVE US A WEEK AFTER THE FANTASY SUITES.
Kim: This dress. I hate.
Maggie: No matter what you think of JoJo’s personal style, you have to admire her commitment to the cutout.
Kim: They are like the wimpiest cutouts I have ever seen. The dress just looks torn? Also she needs to haul her boobs up like 3 inches.
Maggie: I don’t love the color but it’s more JoJo than that candy pink manicure in Thailand.
Maggie: I think she did a really good job of being fair and honest and not leading people on, I really do.
Kim: Agreed. I think she was SO conscious of how she got mind fucked last year. And in general I feel like the Bachelorettes are more careful with feelings.
Maggie: Yeah, Ben started the season at least ACTING like he was conscious of this stuff but we all saw how that ended.
Kim: Honestly, I am still not over him actually SAYING “I love you” to two women. On camera. You don’t do that. That’s just like the rules of The Bachelor.
Maggie: I don’t think we really had a clue that the last date with Luke didn’t feel right, did we? She means hometown, right?
Kim: SHE DOES. I thought Luke’s hometown was lovely and drama free so it was like WHOA REALLY?
Maggie: Is Luke a class act?? Do I like Luke???
Kim: *The Bachelor Producers Right Now* STEP INTO MY WEB.
Maggie: (It just occurred to me that I miss Jordan.)
Maggie: I think it was a really fair question from Chase and I totally get her moment of clarity answer, it felt a lot like the moment when she knew with Smol to me.
Kim: I am still like ARGH you REALLY didn’t know till you were IN the fantasy suite. I mean I get it but DAMN. It still smarts.
Maggie: Shut up, James Taylor.
Kim: I don’t remember what he said here but I agree on principle.
Maggie: Man, Chad is dirty.
Kim: Like…I don’t see why he’s trying to sabotage/torpedo the final two? What is in it for you? Other than just causing total chaos?
Maggie: YAS JOJO THAT’S MY GIRL.
Kim: She is the living embodiment of “Ain’t nobody got time for that” right now. She KNOWS Chad’s just trying to get under her skin/get attention and she refuses to play into that.
Maggie: She’s totally dead on about him.
Kim: He’s such a vile human being.
Maggie: Shut up, Santa, no one cares about you.
Kim: LITERALLY NO ONE.
Maggie: I’m glad Smol is apologizing but honestly it just feels like he’s parroting Chase and Luke to sound good on TV.
Kim: He totally took a cue from the end of Mean Girls.
Maggie: Yeah, crying to Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina is pretty tough.
Kim: That is my second favorite thing that happened this season after the Plastics.
Maggie: That date with Vinny sounds cute because he’s a barber, why didn’t we see it?? Remember when he was cutting everyone’s hair while they read magazines?
Kim: ALSO his hair looks SO MUCH BETTER now. How did he let himself go on television with that haircut? HOW? I barely recognized him on this.
Maggie: Oh did he change his hair??? There were like a thousand guys at the start Vinny, I’m so sorry.
Kim: It was in a TERRIBLE Caesar cut on the show. It’s much longer now.
Maggie: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh I feel like I remember him in a hat? Maybe he KNEW it was bad.
Kim: BUT YOU ARE A BARBER SIR COME ON.
Maggie: VINNY’S MOM IS IN THE HOUSE.
Kim: Her whole spiel is really sweet but I feel like he said a total of 20 words the whole time he was on the show, so I am not invested enough to be like YAS MOM.
Maggie: These bloopers are so humanizing, I swear to god, more of them should make it to air.
Kim: Bloopers are always my favorite things. They should honestly air THOSE at the end of every episode as opposed to the guys doing weird shit that no one cares about.
Maggie: Side note, that guy who was ID’d as “Hipster” got a haircut and hasn’t said a word this whole time.
Kim: In his defense, I don’t think he ever said anything on the show either.
Kim: Extra dramatic preview for the finale!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maggie: Is it dramatic to say a little piece of me dies inside every time JoJo acts excited to see Robby?
Maggie: THE GARDEN WOULD HAVE BEEN MY FAVORITE PART OF THIS WHOLE SHOW WHY DIDN’T THEY AIR IT, GODDD.
Kim: Because that would have taken camera time away from Chad. Duh.
What was your favorite part of The Men Tell All? Is Chad the biggest villain in Bachelor history? Let us know in the comments.