Sage: How the hell is it gonna take three hours to give away one rose and why did I volunteer for this? Actually I know why. It’s because reading Maggie, Kim, and Kelsey’s hilarious commentary has given me Bachelorette knowledge I never wanted and now need to burn off. Let’s do this.
Maggie: I feel like I’ve seen this promo of her sobbing a hundred times. Guys, I hate when Jojo cries.
Kim: You’re gonna hate this episode then…
Maggie: Ohh I forgot there was a studio audience for this finale part and not just After the Rose. (Newbie alert.)
Kim: The whole cutting to the studio audience is so fucking stupid. I mean they are just there to watch the episode and provide whatever expressions the stage manager prompts them to.
Maggie: “Someone get him a meat tray, now.” BLESS. Chad’s really the gift that keeps on giving, isn’t he?
Sage: Chad’s goatee gets more and more Satan-like every time I see him.
Kim: It DOES. It like…gets darker every time we see him? ANYWAY WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT CHAD ON JOJO’S NIGHT? LIKE I GET WE ARE PROMOTING A TELEVISION SHOW BUT THERE IS NO WAY CHAD STICKS AROUND FOR MORE THAN TWO EPISODES OF BACHELOR IN PARADISE, SORRY. (WOW CAPSLOCK.)
Maggie: He’s stealing her thunder when he should be afraid to even borrow it. And seriously, he MUST flame out early on BIP.
Kim: I would say it’s because no self respecting woman will touch him with a ten foot pole but then I forgot we’re talking about former Bachelor contestants so never mind.
Kim: YA BURNT.
Maggie: JUST LIKE ROBBY’S MEATLOAF.
Kim: Making jokes before the joke happens. HIGH FIVE.
Sage: Human Cabbage Patch Ben is fucking there?! Seriously, I get why they invited him, but this is cruel. Though, if JoJo picks who she should pick, she could be getting engaged to a hotter guy tonight and that’s definitely something you want your ex to see.
Maggie: I hope everyone in the studio audience glares at Ben every time it comes up that JoJo hasn’t said I love you to either Robby (barf) or Jordan yet.
Kim: Well we’ve got to promote Ben and Lauren’s show about how happy and loved up they are. Meanwhile, I just look at Lauren and feel like she’s giving off major “Don’t fucking touch me” vibes towards Ben. *sips tea*
Maggie: I feel like a major rule of thumb should be not to end your reality show title WITH A FUCKING QUESTION MARK. Bethenny Getting Married? Well, Guess Who’s Divorced Now? They are ASKING for it. Jesus.
Sage: “When I’m with Robby, I think of Jordan. When I’m with Jordan, in the back of my mind, I’m thinking of Robby.” Well girl, I can think of at least one solution for that problem. (FIND A THREESOME GIF, KIM, PLEASE.)
Kim: *is terrified of searching for a threesome gif* *has idea* I am sure this is what you had in mind right?
Sage: I am not nuts about this black sack dress. Fortunately, JoJo makes two costume changes in that one voiceover alone.
Kim: I feel like some of those were rompers? I couldn’t quite tell, which you know upsets me because I love a good romper. Also her sense of style is SO hit or miss with me.
Sage: My family would not be down for this. It amuses me to imagine them taking these ludicrous sit-downs seriously.
Kim: Same. Though I actually think my mom would have a good old time with it. Especially if the cocktails flowed freely.
Kelsey: JoJo’s mom is my favorite. Remember last season when she drank straight out the wine bottle during Ben’s visit to her hometown?
Kim: I mean how else do you get through an evening with Ben Higgins?
Maggie: HER MOM LOVES A CUTOUT TOO, GUYS.
Kim: So it’s hereditary.
Sage: I’m with Maggie. Jordan’s hair swoop DOES get me overwhelmed. Also nice transition from parent greeting to bro hug.
Kim: His hair has definitely grown on me over the course of the season. I think the humidity in Thailand has done wonders for it.
Maggie: “She IS my best friend” *squeeeeeeeeeeee*
Sage: “We like to give it back and forth to each other.” They share that really.
Kim: SOMEONE wants the Mario Kart gifs and SOMEONE is going to get them.
Sage: I was like “YES, JORDAN, BUY THEIR LOVE.” But then his presents were a joke and then he explained that joke into oblivion. See, the pretty boys never had to learn to be funny.
Kim: You could SEE Jordan deflating and going “Oh shit I should have just brought a bottle of wine” the longer he explained the gag.
Kelsey: I respect mom’s skepticism of Jordan.
Kim: She does NOT like him.
Maggie: I LIKE JORDAN.
Kim: I had no idea, Maggie.
Maggie: I don’t think I’ve mentioned that.
Sage: Mrs. JoJo was totally the mom who told her daughter that every boy who was shitty to her as a child was just being mean because he had a crush on her. (Also go easy on the highlighter next time, Mrs. JoJo.)
Kelsey: JoJo’s fam seems VERY in tune with trust issues. My family would have no idea what my issues are in a relationship, you know?
Maggie: They are all WAY TOO INVESTED, it’s like a family issue that she doesn’t have a husband and when the mom said she doesn’t want to talk about JoJo’s broken heart at the dinner table? I am 100% sure she means it LITERALLY because that is ALL THEY DO
Kim: She’s in her EARLY 20’s, SLOW YOUR ROLL FLETCHER FAMILY. Except wait, I forgot. They are from Texas. She’s an old maid.
Sage: The episode’s first mention of getting dad’s permission to propose and I already have a rage headache. The thing is, I really do think JoJo is better than this. Was this drama concocted to obscure an otherwise super obvious ending?
Kelsey: Jordan doesn’t ask for her hand in marriage. Dannnnnggggg. But, if I was in his boat, it’d be hard, too.
Maggie: Oh but they haven’t aired JoJo saying the dad convo is important to her, have they?? I thought it was all him. And now I can’t really tell what shook his confidence and why he didn’t do the asking for the hand in marriage (barf) thing.
Kim: I could not IMAGINE someone I had known for 2 months (during which we’ve gone on 3 dates by ourselves) looking my father in the eye and SERIOUSLY asking to marry me. I feel like my Dad would LAUGH at him. I mean my Dad would ALSO laugh cause he would know that I would be pissed off that he knew I was getting engaged before I did. IDK the whole “asking dad’s permission thing” skeeves me out as much as the Dads dictating what kind of wedding dress his daughter is allowed to wear on Say Yes to the Dress.
Maggie: DOES THAT ACTUALLY HAPPEN I HAVEN’T WATCHED IN YEARS.
Kim: YES. And some dads get very aggressive about how much cleavage his daughter is ALLOWED to show.
Maggie: That’s disgusting.
Maggie: DOES RANDY LET THEM DO THAT?
Kim: Sometimes he has no choice.
Maggie: Ugh, Robby.
Sage: Guys, I don’t…how is this the other guy.
Kim: Welcome to our hell, Sage.
Sage: Robby supposedly comes the day after, but this is really like 10 minutes and a costume change after Jordan left, right?
Kim: I actually DO think they spread this one out over 2 days. I can’t confirm though.
Kelsey: Robby is wooing her fam. Ugh. He’s such a schmooze, ya know? Like, I’m sure he’s a PRO at meeting parents. I am, too, so I get it, but he seems like he knows the game.
Maggie: He’s just so fucking GLIB. UGH. ROBBY.
Sage: “What did you see about JoJo that attracts you?’ “Well, m’am, she was the only girl there.”
Kim: God, he’s pouring it on thick.
Maggie: “She’s smart and intelligent, that’s a no brainer” UGH ROBBY.
Sage: Robby has a Yogi Berra-esque way with words. In that he doesn’t know that all the ones he’s saying mean.
Maggie: Jojo, he’s CONNING you, he knows you want to feel cherished and adored. He’s SO FAKE.
Sage: Robby sleeps in a tanning booth. Tanning booth vampire.
Kim: He is the living embodiment of the Ken Doll from Toy Story.
Maggie: JoJo, he’s CONNING you, he knows you want to feel cherished and adored. He’s SO FAKE.
Sage: I’m dying of TMI-related second-hand embarrassment. And I get the feeling that her brothers’ love lives weren’t a topic of dinner table conversation as often as JoJo’s.
Maggie: He’s going to build his life around her? What about his busy former competitive swimmer schedule?
Kim: IDK Maggie, it seems like he’s REALLY busy.
Sage: No fun, say the brothers. No fun in marriage. Just kids, house, and husband. She’s picking Jordan, I fucking know it.
Kim: I am so let down by her brothers. They were so vocal with Ben and here they are just like SOMEONE PLEASE MARRY HER AND KNOCK HER UP.
Sage: “She was raised as a princess.” GROSS.
Maggie: I just hate what a family concern it is that she finds love, I feel like it would be this way if she was never on these shows. I mean, obviously it’s something she wants but also like take a breath, girl. You’re what, 24? You have your whole life ahead of you, heal some more after this one bad breakup and focus on yourself.
Kelsey: WHOA JoJo’s dad tells Robby that she loves him? BE COOL DAD. GOD.
Sage: Mom doesn’t get to give permission, just to watch her husband give it. It’s like concentric circles of horrific gender politics are all happening at the same time.
Maggie: It’s nice to include this mother in this barfy talk with the dad stuff but it feels so slimy, it’s a con, it doesn’t feel genuine, it’s all calculated.
Kim: Remember George’s inner monologue in Father of the Bride where he feels like Brian is giving Nina the “How to grease up your future mother-in-law” speech? That’s what’s happening right here, right now.
Sage: Mrs. JoJo is trying so hard to cry right now. She told that stupid Botox doctor SPECIFICALLY that she needed to cry this week.
Kelsey: “You can’t but want someone like Robby for your daughter.” Ew.
Kim: Tell that to Hope’s family.
Kelsey: Dad describes Robby as a “logical” choice.
Maggie: LOVE ISN’T LOGICAL, JOJO’S DAD.
Sage: Am I insane or did Robby and Jordan have the same conversation with the parents? And yet Robby apparently made a much stronger impression. Or the misdirection continues, because come on, this isn’t even a competition.
Kim: I think Robby may have just used his words better because he studied the script and learned his lines.
Maggie: Robby exudes that intent because HE’S PLAYING ALL OF YOU.
Kelsey: JoJo is so pissed that Jordan didn’t ask for dad’s blessing. Because she wants him.
Sage: “That’s a very clear thing that you ask someone’s father.” Maybe in the baby-Bachelorette farms in Texas, boo-boo, not in the real world.
Kim: Her reaction when her family show doubts about Jordan makes EVERYTHING so clear. She essentially digs her heels in and has a temper tantrum because they aren’t affirming her favorite.
Maggie: Side note: AS THE YOUNGEST, I love how you can tell JoJo is too by the way she flips out when her family says anything bad. I have been that family member.
Maggie: Who is this random girl who hasn’t said a word on the couch, does Jojo have a sister I forgot about? Is she a sister-in-law??
Kim: Sister apparently. WHO DOESN’T TALK ONLY SITS AND JUDGES SILENTLY.
Sage: What’s the deal with this sister character? She has really nailed the silent nod. My head canon is that she’s the black sheep feminist of the family and only agreed to go on the show if she didn’t have to speak. This is next Bachelorette material right here. I would watch the shit out of that.
Maggie: I was so confused by the awkward silent sister and this made it infinity better. I really got my clarity, you guys.
Sage: On a scale of 1-10000, how much do you think this pedi-cab driver hates the spoiled whites in the back who are whining about needed a vacation from their vacation?
Sage: Robby’s hair still hasn’t moved, not even in the wind.
Maggie: He ducked his head underwater and his scoop of hair was intact later for his into the mike (RIGHT KIM IS THAT WHAT WE CALL IT?) and chilling on the beach.
Kim: Aw, look at you learning the jargon, Marshmallow. (It’s “mic” not “mike” but I’ll let that slide.) AND SERIOUSLY WITH THE PLASTIC HAIR. I DON’T GET IT.
Kelsey: Did the camera people make them kiss underwater? Seems uncomfortable. Once your mouth is open, water rushes in.
Kim: Nothing about kissing underwater is romantic to me for that very reason. Literally the only time I bought it was in Baz’s Romeo + Juliet and that was because they fell INTO the swimming pool kissing and it wasn’t salt water.
Maggie: Oh man, there’s a scene in Whip It where there’s so much making out and getting out of clothes underwater and all I can think when I see it is how much upper body strength for swimming that I do not have.
Kelsey: Are they FINALLY going to discuss their life’s logistics? Nope, just a fantasy. Overcooked the meatloaf, did you not have a timer? Ugh.
Maggie: This dreaming of overcooking the meatloaf makes me vomit too. He’s talking about playing house, that’s not real life.
Kim: IS ROBBY FROM 1955? WHAT THE HELL KIND OF FANTASY IS THIS?
Kelsey: “Faint noise of kids” have you ever met a kid before? You think it’ll just be a faint noise while you’re sipping wine letting dinner burn? Moron.
Sage: Oh, Robby is digging his own grave here. JoJo is like, “you have to be the cook” when he mentions the meatloaf baking in their future kitchen and he PLOWS past that statement without acknowledging it.
Kim: NICE CATCH ON THAT SAGE.
Sage: Also he wants her pregnant YESTERDAY, so like. Grab your coconut and get out of there, JoJo. Shut it down.
Sage: There’s more heavy petting on this show than I expected. America won’t like it if you don’t act like daddy’s property to lend, but by all means, they love it when you grind onto a dude’s dick in public.
Kim: IT MAKES ME SO UNCOMFORTABLE. I get very hung up on the logistics of the fact that he most DEFINITELY has a boner and like WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THAT THING YOU ARE ON CAMERA. I mean I guess you could always go naked paddleboarding like Orlando Bloom.
Maggie: WHICH PS APPARENTLY TMZ HAS NOT COVERED (NO PUN INTENDED) BUT THEY DID RUN THOSE PHOTOS OF DANIELLE AFTER LOUIS “TOOK HER TOP OFF”.
Kim: Feels good, feels organic. #EndIt
Maggie: Wait do they get another sex date?
Kim: One would think, but no.
Maggie: HE SAID JO AGAIN I HATE HIM SO MUCH YOU GUYS.
Sage: Are you fucking kidding me with these slippers?
Maggie: The “I love you” that early on was such a red flag, how are we discussing it any other way AM I TAKING CRAZY PILLS?
Kim: You are not. HE IS TOO MUCH. It makes me want to run far far away.
Sage: Robby says he dreams of hitting 18 holes with the guys and then blowing JoJo’s phone up. To remind her to make him a meatloaf, probably.
Kim: He TOTALLY is the type to think of his wife as the “little woman” who should have a perfectly made Manhattan and a foot massage waiting for him when he gets home from golf. Agree?
Maggie: AGREE. Also did she say “heart of gold” because I’m offended on Harry Styles’ behalf if so.
Kim: He’ll never have boots to match though.
Sage: Being stabbed with a dirty knife would be less painful than a guy giving me a love scrapbook.
Kim: “Here are some publicity stills to remind us of our journey, Joelle.”
Maggie: That would be the weird part about dating on this show, you can’t just take a damn selfie together or anything, so he presents you screenshots from the show you’re filming to sway your mind before the final rose.
Kim: This whole trend of giving the Bachelor/Bachelorette presents on the last date makes me cringe SO HARD. Do they have arts and crafts sessions? Who is the poor intern who gets stuck making these “gifts” because it sure as hell isn’t the contestants.
Maggie: YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THAN ROBBY, JOELLE. (See, I full named Jojo because she should go to her room and think about her choices, not because I’m angling to seem closer to her than I am.)
Kim: I love that Robby is STILL of the mind that JoJo will be telling him that she loves him tonight and then he has the nerve to be disappointed when she doesn’t.
Maggie: Oh NOW Robby remembers that she was heartbroken when Ben told more than one girl he loved her when he was saying “best case scenario was Jojo says I love you AT MOTHERFUCKING HOMETOWNS” UGH ROBBY.
Kim: Also after the drama at his hometown, did he REALLY think she would drop it then? Naw, son.
Sage: Look out at these low-key Larries getting on a boat.
Kim: Jordan DEFINITELY gets the better date here.
Maggie: It took her a sec to get excited for Jordan (unlike me), her head was totally in WHY DIDN’T HE ASK MY DAD mode.
Sage: Back to the permission thing. Is this really the hill you want to die on, JoJo? She can’t possibly care that much.
Maggie: She’s so pissed, I think it was embarrassing for her in front of the family that he didn’t ask for the blessing or whatever.
Kim: THAT. THAT IS IT. She’s more mad about the principle of the thing instead of the actual ACT.
Maggie: It’s not the pen, it’s the principle.
Kim: Thank you, you precocious little bitch.
Sage: SHE is FISHING. Her FACE.
Maggie: THIS IS SO AWK.
Kim: I’ve said it all season that Jordan does not handle confrontation well and this makes me want to fling myself off my fire escape.
Sage: I feel bad for Jordan here, honestly. He may be full of shit about caring as much as JoJo does about getting a father’s blessing, but that’s still a huge step. He doesn’t want to put himself out there and then be embarrassed. She’s very concerned about this timeline, but doesn’t coming on the Bachelorette generally mean throwing the timeline out the window? He’s floundering though. Someone save him.
Maggie: Okay, I think this explanation is making sense, even though I am admittedly incredibly biased, but she is so upset, this feels like a dealbreaker. I don’t even know if she took in what he was saying.
Kim: She’s NOT.
Sage: This show would be 6.5 minutes long if everyone agreed not to talk in circles.
Sage: So many slouchy romance sweaters. This one is a little fishing net for me, but I do hope she puts up the hood. Then they can have a seance. Veterans, tell me: has there ever been a seance on one these shows?
Kim: SADLY NO. That would be a GREAT group date for next season though. I would want someone to go full Vanessa Ives.
Sage: 10/10 would watch.
Maggie: But WHY has everyone always envisioned the ask the dad talk? WHY IS THIS SUCH A THING IT IS 2016, PEOPLE.
Sage: I am Jordan’s eye roll at having to explain himself again.
Kelsey: JoJo is SO upset at the thought of Jordan NOT proposing.
Sage: JoJo has really mastered repeating something someone says back to them. She knows how to retain the upper hand in conversations and it’s some Fortune 500 CEO shit. Quit this show and go to business school.
Maggie: Robby is the one who says all the right things and says all the things you want to hear and I feel like that doubt keeps getting unfairly put on Jordan because with him there’s actual potential for real love which comes with actual potential to get hurt again and as much as Jojo says she’s in this to find a fiance, that scares her to her core.
Kim: I also see Jordan’s side of it so well. He’s basically like I DON’T KNOW WHAT ELSE I CAN SAY TO YOU ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU ARE NOT GIVING *ME* ANYTHING TO FALL BACK ON. That’s where this show gets super fucked up, especially when you’re still expecting the men to propose to YOU. Like, on The Bachelor, the guy still has all the power cause it’s not like the ladies are expected to propose to him. But this is all “I want you to put yourself out there first and MAYBE I will say yes but you don’t know that until you’ve already started proposing” and that power dynamic really bothers me.
Maggie: Yeah this where maybe her determination not to repeat Ben’s “I love you” mistake might not be working in her favor.
Sage: I did not need to see Robby’s hair routine.
Kelsey: They show Robby “in the shower” and his hair is PERFECTLY IN TACT.
Kim: Maybe it stays that way because he never washes it because he CLEARLY did not get his hair wet there.
Kelsey: Oh Neil Lane, I love you. He’s so cute to watch.
Maggie: How did buying the SORRY GETTING A FREE ring help Robby see the bigger picture?? I hope JoJo literally rips his heart out of his chest.
Sage: Robby picked out the better rock though. I’ll give him that.
Kim: Yeah, Jordan picked up that Oval Cut ring and I basically pulled a Carrie Bradshaw when she found out Aiden had picked out a PEAR SHAPE. Do not want.
Maggie: I didn’t look close enough but I remember being fine with Jordan’s but I also completely admit my bias.
Kim: Robby’s ring was TOO ostentatious though. What can I say? I’m a classic round cut kind of gal, just in case anyone is wondering. (No one is.)
Maggie: Yeah, none of them were my style.
Sage: Do they get to keep these rings if they break up? I want to know. There’s probably a secondhand jewelry store somewhere filled with rings from failed Bachelor/Bachelorette engagements. And I hope it’s called “Do You Accept This Pawn Slip?”
Maggie: HE’S CALLING THE DAD, GUYS, PACK IT IN GO HOME HE WANTED THE MOM ON THE LINE TOO IT’S JORDAN.
Kim: I knew this would happen. We ALL knew as soon as he “choked” on family day.
Sage: No one was expecting this, which is why he picked up instantly and mom is already on the line. To Jordan’s credit, he asks for BOTH of their blessings. Incrementally less vomit-inducing. Though stop calling her parents “guys,” you’re not in the locker room.
Maggie: WHAT THE FUCK IS JORDAN WRITING A NOTE ADDRESSED TO JOELLE WHY WHY WHY?
Kim: Does everyone call her Joelle in private? HOW MANY LIES HAVE I BEEN LIVING?
Sage: I am endeared by Jordan’s kindergarten handwriting.
Sage: He’s making his thinking face at the jeweler’s case. It’s a face that says, “Yes, I understand diamonds.” Doug can read.
Kim: Opening your email and reading a Cutting Edge joke MADE MY LIFE.
Maggie: I don’t understand huge rings like this because I feel like they don’t go with like all day pajamas and unwashed hair and I am an actual hobo, so those are concerns for me.
Sage: If I hear “on one knee” one more time, I’m going to break both of mine.
Maggie: I tuned out for the dramatic reading of the note because he wrote Joelle on it. I’m so done. Just stop crying and pick Jordan and end at 9:30 INSTEAD OF 11:00.
Kelsey: Why’d they give her that note AFTER her make up was done?
Kim: Because they WANTED Rose Tyler mascara tracks, duh.
Sage: David Lynch wishes he’d composed this double mirror shot.
Maggie: “MS. FLETCHER” OH GOD IT GOT WORSE.
Kim: WHY WHY WHY.
Sage: Pick the guy who used the hotel stationery. You’re hotel stationery, JoJo. Not a crinkled piece of notebook paper.
Maggie: I love this but I think the notebook paper was Jordan so I have to disagree.
Kim: No, the notebook paper was definitely Robby cause it showed him flipping the pages around. His letter was 18 pages. FRONT AND BACK.
Maggie: Robby keeps specifying the I love you happened in Uruguay and the word Uruguay is becoming like a weird trigger for me.
Kim: Ur a gay. SORRY I CAN’T HELP BUT BE PIERCE HERE.
Sage: Kim just messaged me saying Jordan’s blue suit looks like Louis Tomlinson’s bodacious look from his mother’s wedding and honestly I’m offended. He looks good but not that good, okay?
Kim: Well obviously Jordan doesn’t have Lou’s curves. (NO ONE DOES.)
Maggie: Not everyone can have Louis’ ASSets, Sage.
Kim: I was mainly referencing that it is a damn fine blue suit and I am automatically conditioned to reference Louis.
Maggie: Wasn’t Robby’s suit blue too? I love that we don’t care.
Kim: We don’t.
Sage: Okay, Jordan looks fucking good. Not Louis Tomlinson good, mind. But damn.
Maggie: God, filming all this contemplative b-roll must be so fucking tedious.
Sage: I would ask to be carried down those steps. More than six steps at a time, some burly cameraman picks me up. It’s in my contract.
Sage: Every time one of these guys speaks, he sounds like it’s ten minutes until the deadline and he’s trying to hit the word count.
Kelsey: So, they always reject the first one, right?
Kim: Yes. There was one random year where they flipped it but it did NOT work well.
Maggie: MOTHERFUCKING YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS IT’S ROBBY FIRST OUT OF THE HONDA OR WHATEVER HE’S GOING HOME TO FIND SOME OTHER GIRL TO WOO WITH DREAMS OF BURNING MEATLOAF I AM SO ALIVE.
Sage: Oh Robby, you poor bastard.
Maggie: “Deep breaths, Robby” I just feel glee at his losing, it that bad???? NOPE, NEVERMIND, HE JUST CALLED HER JO, I DON’T CAAAAAAAARE SEE YOU IN HELL ROBBY.
Kelsey: I LOVE THAT ROBBY IS SO CONFIDENT. BYEEEEEE.
Sage: “My future longs for you.” WHAT DOES THAT MEAN.
Kim: OH GOD JUST STOP TALKING MAKE IT STOP JOJO. This is what I mean. I don’t understand why the guys start talking first now. IT DIDN’T USED TO BE THIS WAY. She’s the one picking, let her talk first.
Kelsey: Thank god she’s rejecting him.
Sage: Is it just me or does he not even look upset?
Kim: I think it’s more of a REALLY? face. Like Kelsey said, he was overly confident and this is a swift kick to the testicles and he’s in that “I don’t know what just happened” instant before the pain kicks in.
Maggie: He’s probably happy because marrying JoJo wasn’t his endgame. did he want to be next bachelor, IDK. BUT SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT ABOUT ROBBY’S INTENTIONS
Maggie: I think it is pretty clear she’s usually not the one that breaks up, like what is he supposed to say to “I don’t know how to do this”? I’ve been very team Jojo when she’s sent home guys that reacted badly, but just like let him get out of here holding his head up. AND I HATE ROBBY.
Kelsey: She’s trying to hug him but he’s like not having it.
Kim: JUST LET HIM LEAVE.
Kelsey: JoJo stopped saying “I wanted it to be you”
Maggie: Oh shit did she say she loved him???? I missed that, I was too happy. Unfair, isn’t it, though??
Kim: This is a mess.
Sage: Was that “Don’t settle” line a crack against Jordan? Wait, I know this one: men are so catty!
Maggie: Somewhere, a girl just told a catcaller to fuck off.
Kelsey: Don’t mess up your hair too much on Robby’s behalf.
Sage: It’s really not fair that the girl has to cry all her make-up off and then get engaged.
Kim: THIS MOMENT OF SILENCE I DIE.
Sage: I think that was just a live show snafu, but I also like that Chris Harrison and the audience seemed to be observing a moment of weird silence for the death of Robby’s dignity.
Kim: Actually, I think that’s what the EXACT intent was.
Maggie: Will Jordan propose? This is a serious question? Do they ever NOT??
Kim: There have been non-proposals on The Bachelor, the most recent one being Juan Pablo’s infamous “I like you a lot” but the only time The Bachelorette has not ended in a proposal was season 3, where Jen rejected both of them.
Maggie: OOOH a Kelly Taylor “I choose me” ending? Yes please.
Kim: Yep. She THEN chose one of them when they did After the Final Rose but she rejected him when he proposed. GOD I LOVED JEN.
Maggie: OMFG that’s amazing.
Sage: “Where was she, when I was growing up?” Living with her parents? Being a child?
Maggie: “Love doesn’t need to have a script” is a fun thing to learn on The Bachelorette.
Kim: ENOUGH WITH THE VOICEOVERS LET’S GET TO IT I AM READY.
Sage: “Took everything in me not to run down those stairs.” Bless. Everything about Jordan is more natural than Robby with JoJo. Even when they bicker. Because hello, couples bicker. Just like, Robby says she looks “beautiful,” twice, like the Ken doll robot that he is. Jordan says she looks “AMAZING” and he’s literally laughing as he says it, like he can’t believe he’s looking at her. I don’t know, guys. I am feeling things in spite of myself. Though I’m still on the record that this show is an archaic garbage fire of heteronormativity.
Maggie: “I am feeling things in spite of myself” is essentially the show.
Kelsey: I like that she says “no” as Jordan gets down on one knee but she pretty much demanded he proposed.
Sage: “Give me that hand.” SWOON.
Kim: I DO always buy the genuine emotion of this moment, even if they break up a week later. They are both SHAKING.
Kelsey: They’re so stupid right now. So stupid. oh my god.
Maggie: AHHHHHH THEY’RE SO CUTE OMG.
Sage: You know mama loves a height difference. He picks her up so easily. WHAT IS THAT LIKE. Tell me, smol girls.
Kim: I WISH I KNEW.
Sage: Whelp, turns out two hours of The Bachelorette is my limit. I’m tapping out, at the risk of missing Chad announcing his new career as a pro wrestler. Enjoy the after-show, ladies.
Maggie: I can’t believe we have another hour, you guys, Bravo would stretch this across three nights.
Kim: *Passes Maggie a Gatorade* WE CAN DO THIS.
Maggie: IS ROBBY WEARING A BROOCH?
Kim: I AM SO CONFUSED BY HIS ENTIRE LOOK.
Maggie: All those future plans we made of overcooking the meatloaf just drifting off over the horizon, RIP.
Kim: I will never get over the burned meat loaf.
Maggie: STOP SAYING JO.
Kim: IT’S NOT GOING TO MAKE HER CHANGE HER MIND ROBBY.
Maggie: What strings bonded them? What is he saying?
Kim: He’s such a walking cliche.
Maggie: HE’S SO DELUSIONAL HE THOUGHT HE WAS THE ONLY GUY IN THAILAND??????
Kim: All I can say is WOW.
Maggie: Did he just say Uruguay again?
Kim: UR A GAY.
Maggie: STOP. SAYING. JO.
Kim: Not gonna happen, Marshmallow.
Maggie: None of this is answering the question “are you still in love with her?”, by the way.
Maggie: They love the word clarity on this show.
Kim: I wonder if they get a cash bonus every time they say it.
Maggie: Oh my god, I hate her dress.
Kim: WHY IS SHE WEARING HALF A NUDE STRAPLESS BRA ON THE OUTSIDE OF HER DRESS? I HATE I HATE I HATE I HATE.
Maggie: “Our overnight, which was awesome.” Barf.
Kim: *Refrains from making a comment about how the sex must not have been THAT great*
Maggie: He’s way too composed and glib and just AWARE of everything and how he’s coming across. I’m not sure what his endgame is but he has one.
Kim: It’s like he’s trying for the JoJo arc aka the runner-up getting to be the next bachelor. IF ROBBY IS THE NEXT BACHELOR I WILL NOT WATCH. (That’s a lie, I’ll totally watch but these recaps will be WAY more snarky, if that’s possible.)
Maggie: Ohhhh yes, missing that friendship that does seem to be there with Jordan, I see that. Also: Robby sucks.
Kim: I don’t even know what to say any more. I’m over it Robby. So is Joelle. It’s tough seeing him, you know.
Maggie: It’s always tough seeing Robby for me, yeah.
Maggie: She’s so cute with that big ring I don’t understand.
Kim: IT’S SO SPARKLY.
Maggie: UGH. CHAD JUST GO MARRY YOUR MEAT PLATTER.
Kim: I literally don’t understand why they are giving him so much fucking attention. WHERE IS THE CHAD WRANGLER.
Maggie: Chad’s also a Marine??? Also, dead mom card.
Kim: OF COURSE HE’S A MARINE. Please to see my explanation about Marines from Mr. Jane in the post last week.
Maggie: This crowd wants Luke, not you Chad.
Kim: Chad as the Bachelor would last for all of 2 episodes.
Maggie: “It is truly a train wreck.” The one time I trust Chris Harrison.
Maggie: I have like nothing to say about how hard it’s been on them since filming stopped and that makes it sound like I don’t care which I kind of don’t but not in a bad way?
Kim: I mean, it’s what they signed up for. #FirstWorldProblems
Maggie: YES BRING ME JORDAN.
Maggie: They’re so cute and affectionate and BEST FRIENDS.
Kim: Reality Steve is reporting that they’ve already broken up. Honestly, for me, that would be a WAY more interesting After the Final Rose. These are so boring.
Maggie: I feel very triumphant but this is such boring filler.
Kim: I just want to go to bed.
Maggie: “There’s not a playbook for dealing with it” I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE.
Kim: Angling for that sportscaster job, are we Jordan?
Maggie: I’M SO TIRED CAN WE PLEASE JUST CALL IT.
Kim: THREE HOURS OF THIS IS A LOT.
Maggie: I knew Jordan would move to Dallas. I KNEW IT.
Kim: I’ll believe it when I see it. I’m still waiting for JoJo to be cast on the next season of Dancing with the Stars.
Maggie: 10:47 and we’re finally getting to Aaron Rodgers.
Kim: Listen, unless they have Aaron in the back, I am SO OVER THIS. And they DON’T. IDK they are trying really hard to make Aaron look like the bad guy here and he’s not there to defend himself and we’re only getting one side.
Maggie: This whole “family feud” was such a tease storyline, not just tonight but this whole season, I want some payoff already.
Kim: KEEP WAITING.
Maggie: Ben is saying nothing of value. No one cares what a thirteen-year-old girl in Idaho tweeted about you.
Kim: Also like…why are you interacting with 13 year olds on Twitter, Ben Higgins? Perv.
Maggie: “Audience, you’re not leaving. You can’t.” FUCK YOU CHRIS HARRISON I’M SO TIRED.
Kim: *TROY BARNES MELTDOWN* THE SOUL TRAIN AWARDS WERE TONIGHT. *crawls out of the room*
Maggie: It could have been like Argentina or Thailand but they got a free vaca in Pennsylvania. #NoDisrespectToPennsylvania
Kim: JoJo and Jordan’s faces are like WOW THANKS.
Maggie: What are the odds that this first episode of Bachelor in Paradise is all Chad and then he gets voted off?
Kim: That’s basically EXACTLY what happened. You’re a wizard, Maggie. OH MY GOD WE’RE DONE, LET ME SLEEP BYE.
What did you think of this season? Will Jordan and JoJo make it? Will anything come in between Chad and his meat platter? Let us know in the comments.