Maggie: Previouslies: I know it’s wrong, but the only thing I can focus on in this whole DeMario situation is the scrunchie on his girlfriend’s wrist. I’M SORRY.
Kim: Shut up face eater Bryan, I don’t need a recap from you.
Maggie: Face eater and massage are one and the same. Yes I HATE HIM.
Kim: I love how the guys are swarmed around Rachel and DeMario trying to hear what’s going down. THEY LIVE FOR DRAMA.
Maggie: “I can’t let you go.” It’s not really up to you, though, is it, my guy?
Kim: “I did mess up with the Lexi situation.” OKAY CHEATER. I’m so done with DeMario and his floundering. You blew it, dude.
Maggie: Blake speaks from experience about sneaking his way back in with women who feel vulnerable, yeah?
Kim: Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeah that whole thing gave me the heebie-jeebies. Listen, his eyes freak me the fuck out. Like he has perpetual crazy eyes. BACK AWAY.
Kim: I love how DeMario is all like “MY LIFE CHANGED WHEN I SAW YOU” okay. Please. And Rachel is all “You’re a boy, I need a man.”
Maggie: *BLARES “YOU GOTTA NOT” BY LITTLE MIX*
Kim: Maggie, they’re so hot. And let me tell you, after seeing Fifth Harmony be a DISASTER live at a festival this weekend, I am SO ANGRY they are not dominating here in America.
Maggie: Although the one lyric I don’t like in that song is about the guy’s muffin top. Muffin tops can be very cute! Why muffin top shame?
Kim: Now I’m thinking about Harry’s cute lil muffin top and you’re SO RIGHT.
Kim: “Forward isn’t that way to the mansion.”
Maggie: I loved the way she phrased it.
Kim: Listen, every time she gave a speech or interrogated someone in this episode all I could think was she must give BRILLIANT opening/closing arguments in the courtroom.
Maggie: STANDING OVATION FOR RACHEL. She handled that flaw·less·ly.
Kim: She’s such a classy bitch, Maggie. Rachel, I’m sorry for doubting (even for a second) that you would kick him to the curb.
Kim: Side Note: I don’t understand why Beauty and the Beast has to whore itself out to Bachelorette themed commercials. IT IS UNNECESSARY. It’s the highest grossing movie of the year so far, they don’t need to stoop to this level.
Maggie: WHO GAVE TICKLE MONSTER GIANT HANDS WHAT THE FUCK YOU GUYS.
Kim: WHAT THE FUCK GIANT HANDS OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK. (Maggie, I love that these are our independently drafted notes copied verbatim.)
Maggie: I LOVE US.
Kim: I’m sorry he brings those out in the bedroom. That’s a fucking fact.
Maggie: I’m really mad at ABC for forcing me to know that, I can’t unknow that.
Kim: Kenny I love you, maybe dial back the dad bit though?
Maggie: Yeah, she was like we’re peeling back layers and it’s like sure, layers of being a dad.
Kim: Like, on one hand, I love that he’s being super open about how involved he is with his child. It’s really sweet. But on the other hand, part of me is getting “MY DAUGHTER NEEDS A MOMMY” and is Rachel ready to be a Stepmother?
Kim: I swear I see her skin crawl every time she talks to Whaboom.
Maggie: That was the most plaintive “whaboom,” oh my god. No one clap, maybe he’ll fade out altogether.
Kim: “I don’t know if Blake has a crush on me.” OH MY GOD listen I could totally buy into that AU. It would explain so much about Blake’s obsession.
Maggie: “Did he finish the banana?” SHE’S SUCH A LAWYER.
Kim: Harry Styles is offended by this banana story, I guarantee it. That’s his move and he does it much better.
Maggie: “I don’t eat carbs” SIT DOWN BLAKE YOU’RE AN ASPIRING DRUMMER.
Kim: I love that the carbs thing was what he fixated on. Carbs are delicious, you jag.
Maggie: This idea that Whaboom has to go home before Blake can focus on Rachel is just so fucking irritating to me, I can’t. GROW UP AND IGNORE HIM AND TRUST RACHEL. STOP PAINTING ME INTO THE DEFENDING WHABOOM CORNER.
Kim: You know this means he’s probably not going home? IT MEANS THEY WILL BE ON A TWO ON ONE. (Or it would if I were in charge.)
Maggie: Rose Ceremony, YAS, let’s get rid of like half of these guys.
Kim: Your notes for the ceremony are so glorious, I’m just going to paste them here, word for word.
Ew, no, massage guy. No.
(Who is Bryce?)
I hate Eric. I just fucking hate him.
(WHO IS ANTHONY?)
Okay, I recognize Will but I know nothing about him.
TICKLE MONSTER NO
Alex had a bad tiny ponytail last week, hometown pride or not I can’t root for him.
Adam beget Adam Jr, so that’s a hard pass from me.
(Who is Brady?)
Iggy, fine, yes, as long as no Payne Chains.
Fred the third grader, ew. No.
Maggie: WAIT HAS DIGGY NOT BEEN CALLED????????
Kim: I was too focused on the intercuts of Blake FUCKING WHINING about Whaboom to notice that. #SaveDiggy
Maggie: Oh, thank Jesus fucking Christ, my god Rachel, why would you make me worry like that???
Kim: I am SCREAMING that she cut both Whaboom and Blake, this is the greatest.
Maggie: Honestly, thank god this Blake/Whaboom drama is over, Rachel is the best Bachelorette I’ve ever seen (sorry, Jojo).
Kim: Whaboom knows he’s gonna be on Bachelor in Paradise, right? Honestly, if I were in charge, both of them would be. Also, Whaboom is hammered right now.
Maggie: I swear to god, I thought Blake was going to kiss Whaboom.
Kim: Listen, them being secretly and hatefully and reluctantly in love with each other is the ONLY explanation for this.
Maggie: This is Whaboom right now:
Kim: Heads up to Blake, if you say you’re a “nice gentleman” IT MEANS YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT.
Maggie: (Did I say the drama was over? So wrong. So very wrong. Please make it stop, show.)
Kim: HE’S CHANGING THE WORLD ONE WHABOOM AT A TIME.
Maggie: I can’t believe the episode has devolved into this and for so long.
Kim: OKAY TIME FOR THE NEXT DATE CARD. FINALLY.
Maggie: DIGGY IS DRESSED LIKE NIALL, OKAY, DO YOU THINK THE EYEGLASSES ARE FAKE?
Kim: We haven’t seen him without them, so I am going with real.
Kim: PETER IS WEARING A GRANDPA CARDIGAN SOMEONE HELP ME.
Maggie: IT IS A LOT OKAY. There is no help for you.
Kim: I am here for Ellen judging these guys. “That one tickled me.” “I don’t like that.” ME EITHER ELLEN.
Kim: Do you think Larry watches this show to judge the fuck out of the straights?
Maggie: No, I feel like Harry would spend the entire time talking about everything wrong with society depicted on the show and Louis would get annoyed.
Kim: Head Canon Accepted.
Maggie: I’m honestly so upset that I like Tickle Monster’s flamingo print button down.
Kim: I’m so offended by it on behalf of all flamingos. Also he is a HORRIFYING dancer.
Maggie: PETER IS SO CUTE IN HIS GRANDPA CARDIGAN OMG BUT NOW TAKE IT OFF.
Maggie: What are Alex’s pants?
Kim: WHAT ARE ALEX’S PANTS?
Kim: Now they are playing Never Have I Ever and I’m sad because now I miss OT4. Remember when Harry, Louis, and Niall were like we’ve all skinny-dipped in a hotel pool and poor Liam was like WHY DIDN’T YOU INVITE ME?
Maggie: Mostly I just remember Harry’s face when Niall says he used his toothbrush.
Kim: Peter sends naked selfies, help me.
Maggie: PETER HAS TEXTED A NUDE SELFIE AND I AM FINE.
Maggie: OH really Fred the third grader has hooked up with an older woman, SHOCKER.
Kim: Rachel’s “Go Figure” response just added 10 years to my life.
Maggie: I’m honestly just so tired of this third grader storyline?
Kim: “In what way was he bad?” I WOULD LIKE TO BE EXCUSED FROM THE NARRATIVE.
Maggie: SAME PLEASE AND THANK YOU.
Kim: OH MY GOD SAGE JUST SENT ME THIS.
Maggie: I REALLY WANTED HIM TO DO THIS WITH THE GRANDPA CARDIGAN MAYBE IN THE FANTASY SUITE???
Kim: Okay, I am a little charmed by Alex and his openness.
Maggie: I just feel like he’s not the guy so why are we wasting our time pretending he could be?
Kim: THERE ARE MODELING PICTURES OF PETER ALL OVER THE INTERNET? Jesus H. Christ.
Maggie:I might be missing things, we have a DM thread going with Peter’s instagram photos and I am AFLUTTER.
Kim: There are WORKOUT VIDEOS. And not like ew gross videos but like Stephen Amell posting the salmon ladder back when we all loved him kind of videos.
Maggie: I’M SO OVER FRED THE THIRD GRADER.
Kim: “I’m not a boy I’m a MAN.” FRED SAVE YOUR DIGNITY.
Kim: ALSO HE’S KINDA SLUT SHAMING ABOUT BEING ALL HOW MAN HAVE KISSED YOU
Maggie: Yeah I felt like I noticed that vibe a little too?
Kim: “You’re ASKING me if you can kiss me?”
Maggie: I just really want to be clear that I didn’t love this reaction, like oh if you’re a man you just kiss me who care if I actually want you to, is this what we’re seeing??
Kim: Yeah the whole “be a man about it” is a LITTLE problematic.
Maggie: As much as I am anti-kissing Fred the third grader, I think the concept of asking to kiss someone shouldn’t be discouraged, okay. He did it awkwardly but, like, consent is sexy.
Kim: Agree, it was the WAY he did it. Listen, I have read PLENTY of “Can I?” moments in fan fics and MANY (okay, ALL) of them have made me SCREAM in the best way, so asking sexily CAN be done. It’s just very rare that it can be done in real life apparently.
Kim: Third Grader is hearing wedding bells after ONE KISS. And Rachel’s reaction? “It was like a little boy was kissing me.” MAKE IT STOP. Thank GOD she sends him home.
Maggie: Thank God so many nightmares are ending this episode, now we just have like fix or six more to clear out.
Maggie: Oh, no, is Alex a contender??
Kim: I wasn’t at all surprised he got the rose. He put everything out there for this date and I found myself being a little charmed by him. A real contender? Probably not. Someone who will stick around for a few more episodes? Definitely.
Maggie: Who is Anthony?? I’ve never seen these pierced ears before in my life, I swear.
Kim: I want to pay attention but Peter’s instagram though.
Kim: This date is brought to you by the Beverly Hills Better Business Bureau.
Maggie: This whole horses on Rodeo Drive, going right into stores, isn’t cute to me, sorry.
Kim: A HORSE TOOK A SHIT IN A STORE. That’s all I have to say about this.
Maggie: Is it me or is Anthony too normal for this show? What is he doing here?
Kim: I don’t know but I’m BORED. Like he’s a perfectly nice guy but has no charisma.
Kim: Peter’s on the screen and I’m paying attention again. I enjoy his dramatic reading of the date card. However the rest of the men equating a “woman taking charge” with “shopping”? THEY ARE ALL FIRED.
Kim: A quote from our friend Joy’s Aunt: “That guy with the hoodie should take his dirty socks off the table.” YES.
Maggie: Yes, literally, why is anyone talking to Eric, I don’t understand.
Kim: Why are they fighting? I was too busy looking at a video of Peter on the Still Rings. #blessed
Kim: I do love that she brought her girls in for this one but I ALSO know that most of them will be on Bachelor in Paradise so it’s ALMOST like they are scoping out the fresh meat too. Like am I a little wrong in seeing some sparks between Raven and Bryce? (SORRY I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON.)
Maggie: Oh, that’s right, there was a fireman in the first episode. That’s why he’s on the pole.
Kim: That’s Bryce.
Maggie: I don’t like his face, though.
Kim: PS The Eric Trash Talking has started. DRAMA.
Kim: The date is mud wrestling and I’ve never seen Kenny more alive.
Maggie: AHAHAHA DEAN IS UPSET HE HAS TO GET DIRTY THAT POOR WHITEBREAD GOLF COURSE SPRITE.
Maggie: I don’t like a lot of faces on this group date, actually.
Kim: WHY IS THE DOLL ON THE FUCKING DATE MAGGIE?
Maggie: GOD BLESS AMERICA I DIDN’T NOTICE THIS TIME.
Maggie: This is more awkward than Fred kissing Rachel, pass.
Kim: I’m enjoying seeing Kenny in his element though.
Kim: Ew? The girls pick Dean?
Maggie: Fine, squad says Dean, so I can be fine with him for another week.
Kim: KENNY USED TO DANCE AND HE DANCES FOR HER.
Maggie: That was weirdly sweet with Kenny and the lapdance??
Kim: Comment from Sage: “How did he strip for her and it wasn’t creepy?” YOU KNOW WHY? Because it reminds me of this:
Kim: Eric: “I’ve been running from my feelings my whole life.” Gag me.
Maggie: “Have you or have you not experienced love?” “You KNOW the answer to that!” is my favorite exchange of the episode.
Maggie: Is it just me or are Lee and Eric the new Blake and Whaboom?
Kim: It’s not just you. Also I love how Kenny was like “PEACE OUT MOFOS” as soon as the drama starts.
Maggie: We love Kenny.
Kim: Ohhhhh shiiiiiiiiiiittttttttt she gives Eric the rose.
Maggie: UGH GOD RACHEL WHY ERIC
Kim: I feel like sometimes the leads do this when the others are trashing on a guy JUST to be like “You can’t tell me what to do!”
Kim: I hate when they break up these episodes to where it ends up that we have two cocktail parties in one. I’m like “Haven’t we done this already?”
Maggie: WHAT IS ALEX’S SUIT?
Kim: His taste is so questionable. Not questionable? PETER IN A VEST. Just wear some suspenders and END ME, Bro.
Maggie: I can’t believe Iggy is using his time with Rachel to talk about Eric, Iggy is canceled.
Kim: Iggy, no one curr. (But OH OKAY what they were fighting about while I was drooling over Peter’s insta was the fact that Eric apparently said Rachel wasn’t “genuine”. THANKS FOR THE RECAP.)
Maggie: DIGGY WHAT A BREATH OF FRESH LET’S WATCH THAT CONVO NOT IGGY AND ERIC.
Kim: Like they would ever let that happen. PS WHY ISN’T DIGGY GETTING ANY SCREEN TIME IT IS TROUBLING.
Kim: “I get protective of you.” Excuse me whilst I go VOMIT.
Maggie: I’m very reluctantly being painted into the defending Eric corner and I have hated him this whole time, this is so unfair.
Kim: He has a point about “WHY do you feel like you need to use my name in your time with her?” IT’S MY BIGGEST PET PEEVE.
Maggie: If he hadn’t been so drunk, he could have articulated it better and they wouldn’t have had an argument to come back with, I don’t think.
Kim: “You guys are men not women.” WHAT THE FUCK DID THAT MEAN?
Maggie: You know what it meant.
Kim: Restating that Rachel would be absolutely TERRIFYING in court.
Kim: And maaaannnnnnn, I really wanted her to take that rose back. TAKE IT BACK RACHEL COME ON.
Kim: Oh man, Eric is summoning all the dudes, here we go. I hate this because Eric has so many valid points.
Maggie: ME TOO. I feel like the interactions with and about Eric, Personal Trainer were a weird Hail Mary to be relevant from Iggy and I’m over it.
Kim: The hilarious thing about this is that Eric starts screaming and basically proves the guys right regarding what they were saying about him? Where is Rachel in all of this?
Maggie: I’m not looking forward to next week with Lee, it looks like it gets actually dark and not just Bachelorette dark.
Kim: Yeaaaaaaah, Lee was cast for a very specific reason. And that reason becomes clear next week. And I just don’t trust these producers to handle it delicately. WE SHALL SEE.
Are you as thirsty for Peter as we are? What are your thoughts on Eric? Are Blake and Whaboom in love? Let us know in the comments!