Kim: Full disclosure, we didn’t do a recap last week because we conscientiously objected to EVERYTHING in regards to what went down with Dean and his family. It felt exploitative and gross and every time I sat down to start compiling our post, my knee-jerk response was “I CAN’T DO THIS.”
Maggie: Our favorite preppy woodland sprite DESERVED BETTER.
Kim: To recap about our final three: Suddenly we find Eric, personal trainer endearing; Bryan’s relationship with his mother gives new meaning to “Oedipal” (SHE LEGIT THREATENED TO KILL RACHEL TO HER FACE); Peter has completely reasonable commitment issues in regards to proposing. And that’s what you missed on Glee!
Maggie: Also we want Eric’s Aunt Verna to be our life coach.
Kim: On to this week’s episode!
Maggie: Tonight on The Bachelorette: I’m so ready to watch Bryan crash and burn and I am so scared the show dangled that in front of me just to snatch it away.
Kim: I’m SO READY for Rachel to get a big dose of reality re: Bryan from her family, But first, let’s watch her walk the streets of Dallas, Mary Tyler Moore style.
Maggie: Is it me or is Peter’s hair getting more salt and peppery?
Kim: It’s NOT just you. It totally is.
Maggie: NOT A COMPLAINT.
Kim: This show is aging him in the best way.
Kim: Peter DOES kind of get the short-end of the stick with the Dallas dates. Eric gets to go have lunch up in some tower and Bryan meets the girlfriends for brunch but Peter….gets to go baby gift shopping? It’s a little odd. But he’s very endearing in the shop and as an uncle, he is clearly a pro in picking out gifts for both Rachel’s expectant sister and Rachel’s nephew.
Maggie: Constance loves stripes so I already love Constance. (Was she on during The Bachelor last season because I had to tap out because Nick Viall.)
Kim: SHE WAS. And she was wonderfully judgey so I can’t WAIT for this. Side note: after the whole stripe discussion, DID they actually buy something with stripes? I saw the big brother tee and the giraffe but NO STRIPES.
Maggie: I don’t know, I feel like they didn’t air the gift giving?? There was so much good Peter content for them to choose from.
Kim: Then what was the point of this ridiculous exercise?
Maggie: I live for these catty bitches dissecting Peter not wanting to propose right away.
Kim: His COMPLETELY REASONABLE hesitation about proposing.
Maggie: This season got dark, guys, not as much fun times yelling MEN ARE SO DRAMATIC. Have we made it to the purely entertaining drama finally?
Kim: God, I hope so. Also, Eric Personal Trainer’s biceps are doing SOMETHING for me right now. What has happened to me???
Maggie: Peter knew it was game over without the “falling in love” card, yes?
Kim: Definitely. I am so amused that he did this on the steps of her (very nice) house right before they went in. What a dramatic hoe.
Maggie: No wonder we love him.
Kim: ALSO Rachel says that she’s falling in love with him. Has she said that to Bryan’s face? I can’t remember.
Maggie: I can’t remember either.
Kim: So let’s pretend she hasn’t.
Maggie: (What am I missing about Rachel’s dad? Why is he not there?)
Kim: I’ve blocked out the latter half of Nick’s season, but I THINK her parents are divorced? (Edit: he’s a federal judge, that’s why.) I’m SUPER digging Uncle Jeff’s specs though.
Maggie: LOOK AT CONSTANCE’S SLEEVES I LOVE HER.
Kim: PUFFED SLEEVES.
Kim: Ugh the way he talks about the first time he saw her: “I kind of blacked out for a minute.” END ME. Also everyone is EATING THIS UP, well played Peter.
Maggie: Your parents got married after a month, you say, Peter? WHAT AN ACCELERATED TIMELINE.
Maggie: The fuck is this brother-in-law’s problem??? WHO STARTS A CONVERSATION THIS WAY.
Kim: I kind of hate his big hipster beard and glasses, NGL.
Maggie: This conversation between Peter and Rachel’s mom straddles the line of show reality and real life reality, which I like — Rachel wants to get married but guess what, it IS possible to date seriously with a view toward marriage instead of getting engaged after eight weeks or whatever this is.
Kim: He doesn’t want to ask for the blessing and HER MOM IS LIKE YEAH I LIKE IT but she also wants him to be serious with her. WHICH IS WHAT HE WANTS TOO. It’s so reasonable and wonderful.
Kim: Teaching the kid to say “Peter. Winner.” SOMEONE IS ALREADY THE CLEAR FAVE. Listen, it’s ALWAYS an advantage to be the first one to meet the family because you set the standard. And Peter sets it pretty damn high.
Maggie: OKAY, ERIC PERSONAL TRAINER, TIME TO WIN ME OVER BEFORE YOU GET ELIMINATED.
Kim: I can’t tell if Eric is growing on me because I actually like him or because the other option is the Face Eater. He HAS mellowed a lot and his hometown was pretty endearing.
Maggie: I feel like all three of the men should have to do the dumb trip to the baby store but okay, show.
Kim: Bryan is being SUPER SMUG about Peter not asking for the parental blessing. He starts talking about his chemistry with Rachel and is all “WELL I’M GOING TO DO IT” and Peter just looks like he wants to punch him in the face. Same.
Maggie: I don’t want to be sitting here with Bryan either, Peter. He IS annoying.
Kim: Peter calling Bryan arrogant in his Into the Mic just added ten years to my life.
Maggie: That “it’s been a minute” delivery was cute, Eric, Personal Trainer. ALSO WHY IS THIS A BIG DEAL. I don’t know, his dating history isn’t an immediate red flag to me but what do I even know.
Kim: Listen, I would rather have someone who errs on the side of caution when it comes to bringing people to meet the parents over a serial monogamist. Or maybe that’s just because any time I’ve had someone meet my parents we’ve ended up breaking up within a month.
Maggie: See, that makes so much sense to me!
Kim: How am I all of a sudden like “PROTECT ERIC PERSONAL TRAINER AT ALL COSTS”?
Maggie: The tagline for this season.
Maggie: I feel like he shouldn’t have said “love but not in love” out loud?
Kim: Listen, he’s obviously a sweet guy and we’ve misjudged him. But this is a friendship. Nothing more.
Kim: Requisite comment that I HATE the whole asking the parents for her hand in marriage thing. I hate it.
Maggie: SO GROSS. I’m sorry, this show is so fucking outdated. Also, no offense, you don’t need necessarily a good role model of being a husband in your family growing up in order to be a good husband to someone.
Maggie: I feel like Eric is basically winning the family over? They’re not super excited about him but he proved himself?
Kim: Yes, I am definitely counting this as a win for him.
Maggie: “Peace and love, you be great. See you soon.” is how I say goodbye to my significant other, too, Eric.
Kim: LOL LOL LOL
Kim: I AM SO READY FOR BRYAN TO MEET THE FAMILY.
Maggie: OH EW OF COURSE BRYAN IS WEARING THE WATCH. No whyyyyy is Eric being cute talking about it?
Kim: I DON’T KNOW. Also both Eric and Peter HATE him, it’s so obvious.
Kim: THERE’S A LOT OF FAKE BOOBS FAKE ASSES AND FAKE CHEEKS PETER OMG.
Maggie: DID PETER SAY FAKE CHEEKS LIKE BRYAN HAS CHEEK IMPLANTS AS I SUSPECT.
Kim: HE DID. PETER IS SUCH A PETTY BITCH I LOVE HIM.
Maggie: Why is Bryan meeting friends?? Is this an extra hoop for him to jump through or is this like a vote of confidence?
Kim: It feels like a vote of confidence, which. Ew.
Maggie: Chiropractor AND MUSICIAN? Did I hear that right?
Kim: I DIDN’T HEAR THAT and OMG WHAT A DOUCHEBAG.
Kim: No gimmicks, no games? OKAY RACHEL WHATEVER YOU SAY.
Maggie: First night: No gimmicks, no games, just face eating.
Maggie: HE IS A DOUCHEBAG, RACHEL.
Kim: LISTEN TO YOUR GUT INSTINCT GURL.
Maggie: “Mom always gets first kiss.” DID HE REALLY AFTER WE MET HIS MOM LAST WEEK?
Kim: Okay leading with your Oedipal relationship with your mother, not great.
Maggie: Oh my god, bro, stop talking about your mom.
Kim: Constance’s “Bitch please” face is so glorious it should be carved on Mount Rushmore.
Maggie: Constance isn’t having it and neither am I.
Kim: Everything about this is SO AWKWARD. Everyone hates him pretty much instantly.
Maggie: I feel like the family got a bad vibe off of Bryan the second he walked in that wasn’t there with Peter or Eric, and that’s not just because I hate him. That’s why the energy is bad, Rachel.
Kim: AGREE. They see through his bullshit. Rachel’s been dickmatized.
Kim: “I DON’T THINK THERE’S THE SINCERITY FACTOR.”
Maggie: BEYOND happy she articulated it that way.
Kim: Like, shout this from the fucking rooftops.
Kim: Okay but WHY does Bryan get up and excuse himself in the middle of the interrogation?
Maggie: I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO KNOW.
Kim: Clearly, this is a little bit of editing because it feels so abrupt. I’m a little like BUT WHERE DID HE GO? In reality, he probably went to pee or something and they are making this look more dramatic than it is.
Maggie: Yeah, he probably gave whatever slick answer to the last question but they really cut it off like he was storming out and I feel robbed.
Maggie: I have no interest in Rachel’s brother-in-law getting more screen time.
Kim: Yikes the bro in law basically telling her to CALM DOWN. Like, I am all about them shitting on Bryan, and naturally, Rachel is defensive…but DON’T TELL HER TO CALM DOWN, BRO.
Maggie: Legit, I hate that guy.
Kim: My favorite thing is Bryan starts spewing “You have such a wonderful family” to Constance and she’s LITERALLY like “Bitch, you’ve known us an hour and half, calm your tits.”
Maggie: Her face was my face.
Kim: I just live for the way she called out his scripted bullshit.
Kim: Yet Bryan still boldly goes for asking Rachel’s mom if he can propose. I love how Mama Lindsay rambles for like 10 minutes before she’s like “I guess.”
Maggie: I’m not here for Rachel explaining love in the Bachelor franchise bubble to her mom, sorry.
Kim: Mom’s just trying to get her to take off the cheek implant goggles and Rachel’s like BUT NO I LIKE THEM.
Maggie: I just threw up in my mouth a little.
Kim: GURL HOW COULD YOU TAKE ONE SIP OF THAT GLASS OF WINE AND THEN WALK AWAY.
Kim: Who does Bryan think he is playing footie with random kids on the street? You’re not Louis in the Back to You video?
Maggie: I hate him SO MUCH.
Kim: Eric is pure but this is definitely a platonic relationship.
Maggie: Please stop Eric from being cute, I am far too attached for my comfort level right now.
Maggie: Wait Eric IS in love with her now? How long has it been since Dallas, like two days?
Kim: I hate when they like have to prod these poor assholes into saying I love you.
Maggie: THIS FUCKING SHOW.
Kim: And it’s not a good look for Rachel either? Like she’s practically begging for them to say it and that just comes off super needy and we KNOW she’s not?
Maggie: Just in general she’s starting to come off as more needy as opposed to just at the point in her life where she’s ready for this, you know?
Kim: And THE THING IS they NEVER paint the Bachelors this way, even when they are doing the exact same prodding for the L-bombs.
Maggie: OF COURSE NOT.
Maggie: He DOES look happy, it’s going to be so sad when he gets cut.
Kim: I do like that he says that she challenges him.
Maggie: I do too and yes, pure, but he’s not the guy. He’s never going to be the guy.
Kim: The Chris Harrison notes squick me out EVERY SEASON. “Here’s a hotel room key. Go have sex.”
Maggie: ARE THEY REALLY NECESSARY.
Kim: ALSO SQUICKY: showing the morning after footage. THEY REALLY PAN TO RUMPLED BED SHEETS.
Maggie: I love when I can’t pay close enough attention and miss gross stuff like that.
Kim: Not that I FOR A SECOND think that Rachel and Eric had sex. This is the rare time that I actually believe that they stayed up all night talking.
Maggie: I missed Peter, too, Rachel.
Kim: THE WAY HE DANCES DOWN TO HER.
Maggie: I love him.
Maggie: The reason Rachel is a good fit for this show is she actually looks happy and engaged during that awkward Spanish man’s song.
Kim: DID THEY EVEN KNOW WHAT HE WAS SAYING.
Kim: Peter’s DELIGHT at the “Raquel y Pedro” wine cellar though. “Do we get to leave with all of this?” Listen he is a man with priorities.
Kim: Neck Kissing. Hand on her ass. Help me.
Maggie: I mean, on the one hand it IS kind of ridiculous to go on The Bachelorette and say you’re not going to propose but also by real life standards this storyline is just so stupid and I can’t.
Kim: Again it’s the ultimatum that is just REALLY unflattering. You NEVER see the Bachelors threatening that they won’t pick the girl if they aren’t ready for an engagement. BECAUSE ALL GIRLS WANT DIAMONDS AMIRITE?
Maggie: Literally the only thing. Neil Lane diamonds specifically.
Kim: Wait a minute.
Kim: WAIT A GODDAMN MINUTE THERE ARE TEN MINUTES LEFT? ARE WE GETTING A PETER CLIFFHANGER? WE ARE.
Maggie: HE SAVED THEIR CORK OH MY GOD YOU GUYS
Kim: WHAT AN ASSHOLE. MARRY HIM IMMEDIATELY.
Kim: Peter looks like he is about to cry during this whole “What does an engagement mean” conversation.
Maggie: I actually see where both of them are coming from in this conversation? And I don’t think they’re as far apart as they might think? I don’t think it’s as polar opposite as they’re making it seem.
Kim: I was talking to Sage about this afterwards and she was like “Rachel needs to think about WHY she’s so upset about this whole thing. It’s because HE IS THE GUY and she loves him.” HE IS THE GUY MAGGIE.
Maggie: He’s the guy.
Kim: FUCK THIS CLIFFHANGER I HATE EVERYONE. Like it’s all i can do to not go on Reality Steve and comfort myself right now. Honestly, I haven’t been this invested since Ryan and Trista. SHE HAS TO PICK HIM SHE HAS TO.
Maggie: Not to be that guy, but it’s not like she’s going to marry the winner anyway I AM SO JADED.
Maggie: Oh, Men Tell All next week so the darkest timeline isn’t over.
Kim: I CAN’T BELIEVE WE HAVE TO WAIT TWO WEEKS FOR THE RESOLUTION TO THIS.