Kim: Oh god, are we really doing this again? OKAY. In Becca’s immortal words (I GUESS?), Let’s do the damn thing.
Maggie: I’m just like what-EVER. It’s not even a good catchphrase. It’s barely recognizable as one.
Kim: It’s no Real Housewives tagline, that’s for sure.
Maggie: This should have been included in my press packet.
Kim: How many goddamn times am I gonna have to relive the Arie break-up? DO A SHOT EACH TIME. (Except we’d probably end up in the hospital, LBR.)
Maggie: Okay, I didn’t watch The Bachelor but I’ve heard about this. MUST WE OPEN ON HER WEEPING???
Kim: WE MUST. I hate him, I hate his fucking face, he’s such a piece of shit.
Maggie: Not even the salt and pepper makes his face better and I don’t even KNOW him.
Kim: CONSIDER YOURSELF BLESSED.
Kim: Pensively walking through the Minnesota snow as this is the winter of Becca’s discontent. And now she’s pondering life in a greenhouse, like it’s a metaphor for her rebirth.
Maggie: Well, if there’s one thing this franchise excels at, it is subtlety.
Maggie: I am attracted to this shiny metallic one-shoulder dress.
Kim: SAME. I can’t stop staring at how it moves.
Kim: HI FORMER BACHELORETTES. Even though Rachel is still on my shit list. #TeamPeter
Sage chiming in on gchat: HEY FUCK OFF RACHEL
Maggie: Yeah, no one here wants to see Rachel showing off that fucking ring.
Kim: One day I may forgive Rachel for the way she screeched at that ugly ass pear-shaped diamond, but today is not that day.
Maggie: TODAY IS NOT THAT DAY.
Kim: PS I am SHOCKED Jordan and JoJo are still a thing.
Maggie: Okay but are any of these bitches MARRIED? Psst Rachel, you didn’t want to get engaged just to date, right?
Kim: SAVAGE MARGARET.
Kim: I AM ALREADY TIRED OF TALKING ABOUT FUCKING ARIE AND IT’S BEEN EIGHTEEN MINUTES
Maggie: I love that she’s wearing white because again: subtlety.
Kim: Time to meet the “men”. Define “pro-football player” cause it sounds to me like you’ve never actually PLAYED in the NFL, bro. However, Clay DEF has those football shoulders.
Maggie: I like his gray coat.
Kim: Garrett and his voice he’s doing? PASS.
Maggie: What the fuck was that? Was the fucking Family Guy??
Kim: IDEK, but whatever it is, I instantly dislike him and his face.
Maggie: Get, it? CATCH?
Kim: Is the professional model there for the right reasons cause he’s ALREADY talking about his brand and it’s been ten seconds.
Maggie: Who taught this guy the word pensive because I am upset.
Kim: Clearly, it’s part of his modeling brand.
Maggie: LISTEN HE’S NO NIALL, OKAY.
Kim: Lincoln HELLO YOU HOT
Maggie: ALSO ACCENT.
Kim: He can stay.
Kim: OH NOOOO the produce/produce pun is NOT good Joe, who I am instantly calling Joe Jr because he’s from Chicago.
Maggie: I can’t help but think that 31 would be too old for a Bachelor contestant. ALSO MAMA’S BOY MARK MY WORDS.
Kim: 100 BOTTLES OF COLOGNE OH MY GOD. A cologne-isseur IS NOT A REAL THING.
Maggie: Who taught him the word accoutrements because I am upset.
Kim: Colton is Sage’s early fave BTW
Maggie: BUT. HE. IS. WEARING. A. CRUSHED. VELVET. VEST.
Kim: I like his face definitely. HE IS A CHARITABLE BOY TOO. HE DOES GOOD FOR CHILDREN WITH CYSTIC FIBROSIS. Also his DOG.
Maggie: Becca reminds me of D’Arcy Carden, do you think she’s into One Direction?
Kim: OMG YES, I see the resemblance.
Kim: Colton is the first one out of the limo.
Maggie: I like his contrasting lapels.
Kim: According to the tell-all you gave me, this means they expect him to go far. He’s totally gonna break Sage’s heart again.
Maggie: But also they gave him a dumb bit, isn’t that a bad sign?
Kim: It WAS dumb, but the confetti was done SPECIFICALLY to get that visual, so I think he’s okay. For now.
Kim: “You may be the biggest catch of my life.” Gag me.
Maggie: Yeah, this guy has nothing.
Kim: He’s SAYING FRENCH WITH AN AMERICAN ACCENT. NO.
Maggie: The jacket is too big and his tie is all askew, okay.
Kim: Every time someone says “we should do the damn thing,” take a shot.
Maggie: WHAT IS THAT?
Kim: Shhhhh, don’t ask questions.
Kim: Tell me about this hair, Leo. It’s like long and curly and glorious.
Maggie: No. Absolutely not. She said it’s like her sister’s so he has no sexual prospects here.
Kim: Jordan’s hair reminds me of Robby’s hair helmet and that’s not a good thing.
Maggie: Oh, really? You were not expecting white? GET OUT OF HERE.
Kim: He’s a MODEL, Maggie. He knows fashion.
Kim: THE TAPPING OF HIS SHOES LIKE THE HEART BEAT OF A GENTLEMAN?
Maggie: Profound but technically meaningless.
Kim: It took him SIX HOURS to pick out that boring ass gray suit?
Maggie: “Just by wearing gray, I WILL STAND OUT” is why this show needs fewer white guys.
Kim: “Usually I’m good at opening statements” says the lawyer in the race car outfit. BYE.
Maggie: What was that weird tick, jerking his head to the side, about?
Kim: His body is already rejecting being on the show, that’s what.
Kim: Mike. Why the Arie cutout? WE DON’T WANT TO SEE HIM. At least you could have like punched him or something?
Maggie: The producers HATE him.
Kim: Yep, my hatred of Garrett is confirmed with the mini van and the like soccer dad/mom thing. (ALSO IDK something about his face makes me want to punch it?)
Maggie: I just threw up in my mouth a little.
Kim: GENTLEMEN you definitely have 2 more limos to go, put your dicks away. It’s not time.
Kim: I got real excited about Blake’s pink blazer for a hot second but it’s so ill fitted and a bad shade. I CAN’T. Also like just wear a full on pink suit, you coward, this blazer does NOT go with black pants.
Maggie: I know someone who could pull it off, but it’s not this fucking guy.
Maggie: LINCOLN BROUGHT CAKE. PICK LINCOLN. CHOOSE LINCOLN. LOVE LINCOLN.
Kim: SOCIAL MEDIA PARTICIPANT. I’ve been asking what that is ever since they posted the bios. Does that mean he just has a Twitter and Insta? Cause like, if he was an “influencer,” you would think he would SAY THAT. But NO. PARTICIPANT.
Maggie: Literally he just signed up a twitter account and called his contribution to society done.
Kim: AND THEN he has the nerve to ask her to meet him halfway. Bitch, she’s in stilettos.
Maggie: So he goes home first, right?
Kim: Someone comes out ankles out.
Sage on gchat: I thought that was a girl and I got excited.
Kim: THAT WOULD BE A TWIST
Maggie: If only.
Kim: Why do they insist on bringing on at least one casual acquaintance now? It’s creepy and gross that they only decide they are interested when you’re on a TV show.
Kim: Um. Hard no to hearse boy.
Maggie: All jokes aside, that’s fucked up. I’m not here for it. Fuck this guy, I don’t care if it wasn’t even his idea.
Kim: FUCK THAT GUY.
Kim: The model critiquing all the fashion AHAHAHAHA.
Maggie: You can tell a man by his ankles, “model.”
Kim: YOU CERTAINLY CAN.
Kim: Oh Jesus why the chicken suit? Why do they do this?
Maggie: Jason Bateman is canceled, but:
Kim: I’m cringing so hard at the choir
Maggie: But like… does Uncle Gary like choirs or something?
Kim: No, I will be calling Jordan Robby 2.0. So let it be written, so let it be done.
Maggie: I’ve lost track of him already, who even is that? The model?? There are literally a thousand guys on this show rn.
Kim: Honestly, any time someone says “girl next door” I want to vomit.
Maggie: BUT THE ULTIMATE, KIM.
Kim: Listen, I got skeeved by Connor swooping in MAINLY cause he put his hand on her bare back before like even speaking to her and I was just like NO TOUCHY.
Maggie: I don’t care for his face.
Kim: Clay, this playing with clay thing is not cute. I’m sorry they made you do this.
Maggie: Like, his voice is kind of Kermit, no?
Kim: OMG IT IS.
Kim: Hello Venmo guy, just nail him down for that SWEET PAPER. (I’m terrible)
Maggie: Oh my god I’m trying to make a paper joke because like it’s paperLESS but I’m dumb.
Kim: Oh Damn Christon, that whole globetrotter thing is legit
Maggie: I love his shirt.
Kim: OH MY GOD SO MANY BALLS!!
Maggie: I feel like this was a mistake because they were so antsy to literally compete.
Kim: “Let’s do the damn thing” DRINK
Maggie: WHAT. IS. THAT.
Maggie: NO. NO POEMS.
Kim: Okay Joe Jr has very nice eye crinkles
Maggie: I can’t get behind him yet.
Maggie: I realized I wasn’t paying attention when I heard Becca saying that whoever she was talking to made such an impression on her.
Maggie: Lincoln with this bracelet is slick as hell.
Kim: Yes. For real.
Maggie: THE CHICKEN IS CUTE, YOU GUYS.
Kim: He is. BUT ALL THE PUNS. “I’ve always loved chicken nuggets.” “I’m a lucky bird and Becca’s a cool chick.” *facepalm*
Kim: “You almost got feathers in my coffee, just stop.” Robby 2.0 is a GEM.
Maggie: AHA IT IS THE MODEL.
Kim: “I wonder if he’s catching anything?” “Feelings.” AHAHAHAHAHA
Maggie: MEN ARE SO CATTY I LOVE IT.
Kim: I still inexplicably dislike Garrett.
Maggie: I already forgot who he is. WAIT NO, MINIVAN GUY, RIGHT?
Kim: ALREADY SOMEONE DOESNT HAVE THE RIGHT REASONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Maggie: BRING IT.
Kim: He’s supposedly trying to revamp his marketing brand. (Chase, that is)
Maggie: I was going to say earlier Chase has a villain face but I didn’t think he mattered. My instincts are bad!!
Kim: LISTEN TO YOUR INSTINCTS.
Kim: I mean Chase DOES have a face I don’t trust.
Maggie: VILLAIN FACE.
Maggie: He’s been watching this show since he was twenty?
Kim: He’s been preparing for this his whole life.
Kim: Chase on his “bitter ex”: “THAT’S WOMEN.” OKAY BYE CHASE
Kim: “I feel like I’m on my first two on one.” ON THE FIRST NIGHT, BECCA.
Maggie: This is my favorite thing, when they pull in the other person in a reality TV fight like this. SHOW US THE RECEIPTS.
Kim: This dude is not to be trusted.
Kim: “Can I hold your hands?” Becca’s face says NOPE
Maggie: Oh my god, the cameraman zooming in on the hands.
Kim: I can’t.
Kim: Becca pulling this guy she sorta knows to call him out as to why he never showed interest before she was on a TV show. *eats popcorn*
Maggie: God, that was so creepy when he pointed at her while saying “I want to get to know YOU.”
Kim: “Do you know i have one conscious recollection of meeting you?” OKAY NOT A GOOD LINE BRO
Maggie: Okay, but WHY are there things he NEEDS to say? Why is he entitled to her time and attention? WHY?
Kim: Because she’s on a TV Show now. DUH.
Kim: And just like that, Becca sends Jake home. I mean honestly GOOD FOR HER
Maggie: GOOD FOR HER.
Kim: And he’s SO FLOORED that she sent him home. God. Men are Garbage
Maggie: I HATE HIM SO MUCH. FUCK THIS GUY AND HIS TRANSFORMATIVE YEAR.
Kim: “I’m one of the most romantic fucking people there is.” BOI BYE.
Maggie: Jade is me.
Maggie: This guy who’s like “it’s night one, how is there freaking drama?” is not cut out for this.
Kim: Poor lamb.
Kim: Re: the Harry Potter tattoo, THIS BITCH (meaning me) goes but the SPELL IS EXPECTO PATRONUM YOU JAG.
Maggie: So did he get it because Harry Potter or because Latin??
Kim: Either way it’s wrong.
Kim: MAGGIE tell me why I hate Garrett?
Maggie: Idk, full offense to Garrett, he’s not memorable enough to hate.
Kim: OKAY ROSES LET’S GO. Lincoln – you fine.
Maggie: He can get it.
Kim: Blake – wear a full pink suit coward.
Maggie: Also that bowtie DOES NOT GO.
Kim: It does not.
Kim: Ricky who?
Kim: COLOGNE FAKE FRENCHMAN
Kim: I don’t have a lot of strong opnions on many of these dudes
Maggie: A lot of them it’s like who’s that??
Kim: I DO find it interesting that almost all of the men of color got roses.
Maggie: Yeah, on a show known for interchangeable white guys with brown hair –
Kim: It’s refreshing!
Maggie: I approve of that guy who dunked, I feel like Kermit voice guy will make me sad til he leaves, Connor is a no because of… some reason?
Kim: Because he touched her bare back without permission.
Kim: There’s a guy named Trent?? WATCH OUT FOR HIM.
Kim: COLTON YOUR WINNER.
Kim: WHY CHICKEN SUIT.
Maggie: He’s cute! He’s nice! He committed to the dumb bit they made him do!
Kim: You’re right, you’re right, I know you’re right.
Kim: “If the chicken stays and I go, I’ll be embarassed. I’m a fashion model keep me around” – Robby 2.0
Maggie: I love her for calling the chicken before him.
Kim: Wild Tarzan Hair
Maggie: I didn’t like how he styled his bun.
Kim: Pathetic Man bun.
Maggie: I prefer this bun to the other, and I will stand by it.
Kim: We’re agreed that nothing beats this bun though, right?
Kim: She’s cutting Joe Jr and I am sad.
Maggie: Listen, I’m telling you right now, that dude talks to his mom multiple times a day on the phone and every time she tells him how handsome he is, bullet dodged.
Kim: OMG YES SHE CUT DICK FACE NOT HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS CHASE
Maggie: I like that she called the guy who brought the drama to her attention and not him. I guess I like Becca??
Kim: Did she cut the social media participant? SHE DID. BLESS.
Maggie: I forgot why I hate him BUT THAT’S RIGHT YOU LOST TO A CHICKEN.
Kim: I’m so happy she cut Chase, may Becca be a lady who takes no shit
Maggie: PLEASE JESUS.
Kim: Preview time!! OH NO IS LINCOLN A VILLAIN?
Maggie: WHAT NO DID YOU SEE HIM FILL OUT THAT CARDIGAN?
Kim: Guess what? Jordan IS THERE for his career.
Maggie: I love you, but no shit.
Kim: COLTON IS A VIRGIN AND SAGE AND I ARE YELLING.
Maggie: Can I remove myself from the narrative, I’m so uncomfortable.
Who were your faves in the premiere? Let us know in the comments!