Kim’s Post – Head Over Feels We Just Have A Lot Of Feelings Tue, 14 Nov 2017 15:48:03 +0000 en-US hourly 1 47147277 “You throw a mean punch.” – Scandal Gif-Cap – Day 101 Tue, 24 Oct 2017 21:39:08 +0000

Scandal Season 7, Episode 3
“Day 101”
Posted by Kim

I mean…I guess it had to happen. Tony Goldwyn IS still a principal cast member, after all. After two episodes all about Mellivia ruling the world, I GUESS we had to catch up with Fitz. I guess.


LOL The people holding up the “Where’s Olivia?” signs when Fitz arrives in Vermont. 

I want to live in Fitz’s house though. 

Oh, RIGHT. Fitz and Olivia DID have that whole Bodyguard kiss before he left. I had forgotten. (So has Olivia IMO.)

Ah, eager young Tad all ready to be head of Fitz’s staff. 

Meanwhile, Fitz can’t even bother to call him by his actual name. 

“You can call me Ted, I don’t mind!”

“I want to make my own turkey sandwiches!” Fitz fires the entire staff because he can make his own damn sandwiches.

We get a montage  of Fitz trying to acclimate to common life again doesn’t know how to do anything.

He can’t even activate his debit card or use a chip reader.

Also who spends $300 on groceries when they live alone? 

He’s making all this food for JUST HIM and I am just like HOW WASTEFUL.

I miss Mellie and Olivia

Fitz has a pistol with a nameplate and surely this has some sort of significance but I don’t really care? 

Marcus is currently living it up in Cuba. 

Marcus goes home ready to WORK. He takes Fitz on a run where they end up overlooking the land where Fitz’s library will be built. This is a very Shonda thing to do.

“This is our next chapter, Marcus.” 

Fitz watches the news discussing Mellie’s education bill and gets all “Mellie may need me on this.” SIT DOWN SON.

“100 days out of respect for the new President.” Marcus shuts that shit down REAL FAST, bless him.

“I hate asking people for money. What am I offering these people?” Fitz drags his heels about donors for the library because of course he does.

“Let’s discuss Olivia.” “What about Olivia?” “How much is she going to be featured in your library?” Ohhhhhhh.

“Olivia worked in your White House, advised you, ran your campaigns, lived with you. She was America’s first-ever First Girlfriend. She stood tall in front of the American people and assured them you’d be okay after you got shot, and now she’s the Chief of Staff to the President that succeeded you.”

“Olivia is Hillary Clinton, Beyonce, Oprah, and Sista Souljah all in one.” YEAH SHE IS.

“When I was driving in from the airport last week, there was a house with “Olitz” written on the front in Christmas lights.” I mean I laugh at this but I would most likely 100% write out LARRY in Blue and Green Christmas lights if I had the chance, so who am I to judge?

“Does Cyrus get his own wing?” Why is he being SO PETULANT?? Silly question.

“I spent 8 years in the most powerful office in the world, running the most powerful nation in the world, and you’re basically telling me I’ve been reduced to a man who loved a woman.”

“Welcome the plight of almost every successful woman in the history of mankind.” MARCUS.

“That used to be me.” Marcus and Fitz go for drinks where they watch a young black student protest for the removal of a statue by tying himself to it until the Mayor and Governor takes notice.

“You haven’t spoken to Mellie? What happened with you two?” For SOME reason, Fitz thinks this kind of convo passes for bonding? Marcus is like NOPE.

“I think Mellie’s an amazing person. She’s gonna be an amazing President. That’s her focus. She’s focused on that. Which I can respect.” My poor Mellicus heart.

“Olivia was my Communications Director. She ran my second campaign. That’s how she should be featured. Same as Cyrus. Olivia didn’t define my Presidency.” Sure she didn’t.

Day 74 and Steve the student is still protesting the statue. Fitz won’t use his Presidential clout to pressure the mayor to do something because he is the WORST. “The last thing we need to do in our new town is stick our nose into local politics. Particularly on an issue this complicated and divisive.”

“Is it? Complicated?” Marcus is clearly reaching the end of his rapidly fraying rope.

Marcus’ face during this golf story is me during this episode.


Marcus’ face at “Muchas Gracias, chico” though. Everyone needs to STOP because he’s about to blow.

“Then I guess we’re gonna need some more whiskey.” “Shouldn’t have dismissed the help.” “Marcus.” “What?” “Scrounge us up another bottle.” OH NO HE DIDN’T.

“You can get it yourself. You love independence, right?” YAS MARCUS YAS.

Should have stayed at the White House, boo. Mellie would never do you this way.

“You cant fire me because I quit!” YEAH YOU DO.

“My problem is is that I’m stuck in a freezing-ass town with a lonely, sad-ass man who can’t do anything for himself.” THIS IS FIRE.

“Did I not say please?” OH MY GOD FITZ SHUT UP.

“You’re always pissed off about something. Always wronged, always looking for something or someone to be angry about.” SOMEONE HOLD ME BACK.

“Not everyone is out to get you, Marcus.” Listen.

“You work for me. And you will behave professionally.” OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.

“You don’t know anything about me except that I keep your Internet running, arrange your days out, and laugh at your stories! You know how many times in the past two months I had to hear you talk about Bubba and his damn clubs? Six! Six times! I hate Bubba Watson, and I don’t even know him!”

“You said we were a team. That you needed me. But I didn’t think that meant that I was going to be a glorified valet! This ain’t Buckingham Palace, and you damn sure don’t have a crown on your head.”

“You are an insane narcissist, the worst kind of entitled because you don’t even realize you are entitled!” FIRE FIRE FIRE FIRE.

“Your record? Your accomplishments? Are Olivia’s! A black woman held you up, and now you’re screaming to everyone about how well you fly.”

“You took the first woman who successfully managed a Presidential campaign and turned her into just another home-wrecking black ho.I guess you can call that an accomplishment, except people like you have been doing that to black women for centuries!”

“You want what I have. Power. And you have latched on to whatever person you can to help advance that goal.”

“You’re a joke.” “You’re a coward.” FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT PLEASE FIGHT.

And now they are beating the shit out of each other. A secret service guy intervenes far too quickly in my humble opinion.


OMG MARCUS CALLS HER. You can pry this ship out of my cold dead hands. They are meant to be.

“What did he do?” “He doesn’t have any respect for me, and frankly, he’s lazy.” MELLIE’S FACE THOUGH.

“You are in stage 2 of a relationship with Fitzgerald Grant.Stage one was when he showed you that he was passionate, capable, inspired, when he made you feel like you could conquer the world with him.” BITCH SHOW ME WHERE HE DOES THIS.

“Stage two You realize he is exactly what he was raised to be Entitled, selfish, unmotivated. You wonder why you’re with him and where your own life went and why you gave it all up for him.” UH HUH.

I hate Mellie waxing poetic about Fitz with every fiber of my being. 

Like why are we apologizing for him? Show me one good thing he’s done. One. HONESTLY.

“I’m proud of you.” MY HEART.


“You’re welcome, Madam President.” LEAVE ME HERE.

“If I wanted to kill another President, you would have been dead 30 seconds ago.” Oh hey, Papa Pope.

“You haven’t seen anything strange in the house since you’ve arrived?” He’s lost his marbles.

“She? Is my problem. She’s your problem, too. She’s the problem of every living, breathing human being who cares about our Republic. You have been had, robbed, bamboozled.” Men are so dramatic.

“Olivia has shoplifted B613 right out from under you!”

“I had checks and balances. I had limitations. Olivia has none. It is her throne, it is her crown. She’s Command, she owns the Oval. She is the dictator of a country that does not know it no longer exists. There is no American way, there is only Olivia’s way.”

I appreciate that someone made a gif of a blurry bootleg of August: Osage County

“Who runs the world? One girl.”

“I left Washington. I did my time. It’s my past. Olivia’s my past. If you’re telling the truth, if she’s Command then you handle it.” ALWAYS PASSING THE BUCK THIS GUY.

“My child is slipping away. The woman that we love is disappearing into the darkness, and I just want help. I need you to help me. I need you to help her.” Nope.

“Pull her back before she is gone. Decide quickly, because she doesn’t have a lot of time.” So help me GOD, if this is how the show ends.

“You throw a mean punch. I can hardly move my jaw.” Much to my dismay, Marcus comes back.

“I said some things.” “You did. So did I.” MAN APOLOGIES.

“When the 100 days is up, I need to go back to Washington.” AS LONG AS YOU TAKE MARCUS WITH YOU.

“Before we leave, I’d like to do something meaningful.” YAS THEY GO TO THE STATUE WHERE STEVE IS STILL PROTESTING.

Fitz takes a selfie with Steve, who was on the verge of giving up. That goes viral, natch. The statue goes down. STEVE WINS.

Which brings us to exactly where we ended last week. Fitz at Olivia’s door. Sigh.

What did you think of this week’s All Fitz Extravaganza? Let us know in the comments.

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“I want to be a monument.” – Scandal Gif-Cap – Watch Me Thu, 12 Oct 2017 13:00:18 +0000

Scandal Season 7, Episode 1
“Watch Me”
Posted by Kim

HERE WE GO GUYS. Our final season of Scandal. I can’t believe it. Mellie and Olivia are in the White House running the damn world. Fitz is in a cave in Vermont. Quinn and Charlie have a baby on the way. What could POSSIBLY go wrong? Let’s see shall we? 

Cyrus said yes to being Vice President. It’s really going to go well. Ahahahahaha.

President Mellie gives her first speech about how she plans on getting everything done and she kills it. 

Olivia POWER STRUTS through the White House. All is well in the world.

I love that Larry mirroring was the FIRST THING that came up when I searched “power strut”.

The way her hair BOUNCES though? Amazing.

“I don’t care about your opinion, I care about your vote.” She is not messing around.

And THEN Liv fucking blackmails with a massive envelope the Senator to secure his vote. 

Actual footage

“This envelope makes careers. Not mine, because, well, I’m already me.” I’m SCREAMING.

“Before you asked ‘In what world,’ I’m answering ‘Mine.’ In my world. This is my world. You’re in my envelope-filled world.”


“Where ever we need me.” It’s been like a DAY and Cyrus is already showing that he’s tired of being a stooge.

“Quinn Perkins and associates? What is that? QPA? It’s a babysitting service!” On one hand, yikes David, but on the other hand, TRUE.

“He knows how to be in touch, so if he’s not calling, then something is wrong.” Our client of the week comes in the form of a daughter looking for her father who’s gone missing in the fictional country of Bashran. It immediately raises Gladiator eyebrow.


Our first Father-Daughter dinner of the season!

“You can go wherever you want, Dad.” “Because you have cameras on me at all times.” Her LAUGH at this though. It’s so menacing and don’t fuck with me and I love it.

“Cameras would mean that I think you might run, which would be silly. Cameras would mean that you’re not heeding my advice which would be a mistake. Cameras would mean I believe that you don’t enjoy having dinner with your daughter every week which would hurt.” GODDDDDDDDDDD.

“You don’t play team sports, never have. Not well, anyway.” Rowan scoffs at the whole Team Mellivia concept and I gotta agree with him here to some extent.

“There is a reckoning coming for you, Olivia.” Theme of the season? Theme of the season.

“You cannot have it all, Olivia.” Liv has no patience for this.

“Watch me.”

“Yes, Curtis, what is your question?” Her SALT on this talk show (where oh where is Sally Langston?)

“Was that your Mercedes I parked next to this morning?” Also there is a lot of sexual tension and eye fucking here. Into it.

I love Charlie making a fruit and cheese plate for Quinn while they are assembling the dossier?

So our client is not a mild mannered business man, he’s a spy. And he’s been caught.

WHO IS IN OLIVIA’S BED? Someone definitely is judging by both her hair AND the fact that she won’t let Quinn in her apartment.

SHE’S FUCKING JAKE OMG. We’re so blessed.

“What are you doing? We’re not finished.” “We finished.” “Well, let’s finish again.” OH MY GOD?

“I thought we were clear about what this was?” 

Those are some very tiny underpants he’s wearing. 

Don’ t make that sad face looking at pics of Fitz on the TV. YOU DON’T NEED HIM.

“We’re not going to tell the President about any of this.” So the guy is a high-level CIA op and things NEED to be taken care of.

“If we want him to stay an American hero, we need to kill him.” 

“I said I need to think about it.” It’s good to know Liv still has SOME level of conscious.

“It was supposed to be ours! A Democratic initiative.” This is DEFINITELY how politics works.

“In 4 years it could be YOUR game-changing legislation. I want you to take the long view.” Oh dear, appealing to Cy’s thirst for power. This lady is SMART.

“You worked for a Republican, you ran as a Democratic VP to a martyred Latino, you serve as a Republican VP to a woman you’re gay, you adopted a black baby, you served time for a crime you didn’t commit. You, my friend, are the liberal dream. Every box checked.”

“Not when you could be President Beene.” OH MAN CYRUS DON’T DO IT.

25 minutes and we haven’t seen Fitz. Bless.

“You made one tough, dark, amazing call one. I liked it. I respected it. But it was one call. There are gonna be 1,000 more.”

“Murder will not be policy in my White House.”Just how you GOT to the White House, eh Liv?

“This isn’t my father’s B613, it’s mine.” GOD, Olivia’s BIGGEST FLAW is her hubris. I say it every season.

“Last I checked you’re second in command to the first female President.” Cyrus’ face = see my above comment.

“Call Senator Greenwald tell her I’m ready to have that drink.” HOE DON’T DO IT.

“But like I said, no one is trying to stir the pot.” Mellie schooling this ambassador who is trying to play innocent about the prisoner is so much.

“You must be being presented with a massive amount of information and intelligence on a daily basis, and it must be difficult to try to figure out whether this information and intelligence is good or bad. Don’t worry I know you’re just doing your job. I don’t take offense.” HE JUST MANSPLAINED MELLIE’S JOB TO HER.

“You’re not wasting time, Liv. You’re out of time, and so are they. We need to shut this down.” Jake graphically describes all the torture this guy is enduring cause it happened to him and he’s all HE WILL BREAK.

“Guess what girls! It’s another old white guy!” Cyrus is sent to meet with a troop of Girl Scouts and he’s NOT happy about it. (Also how real is this statement.)

“We are gonna get this thing passed, you and I.” Mellie shows up to see the girl scouts instead and she’s SO GENUINE and you can SEE Cyrus questioning this whole undermining her plan.

“I appreciate it, is all, Cyrus.”

“It’s a wonder why we spent so many years trying to destroy each other, when all this time we could’ve been friends.” COME ON CY DON’T DO THIS TO HER.

“I came to see if you still wanted your 30 seconds. Dinner you and me, tonight.” VERY SMOOTH TALK SHOW BOY.

“See? There. You’re smiling.” “I am, but it’s nothing to do with you.”

“You’ve made your case, now Jake’s made his.” Ruh-roh, Jake went behind Liv’s back and now Mellie is on board with killing the spy.

“It’s what we’re doing, Olivia.” THEIR DEATH GLARES AT EACH OTHER NO.

“You can stick by your lie, but you should know the consequences.” Liv ACTUALLY threatens the Ambassador’s son to get her way.

“We are bluffing, right Liv? We ARE bluffing.” Huck is like “I mean I will do this for you but are we REALLY doing this?”

She ACTUALLY counts down and of course the Ambassador gives and they get their man back unharmed.

“Your plan has one significant flaw: it’s wrong.” CYRUS YOU BEAUTIFUL BASTARD STAYING ON TEAM MELLIE.

“The ability to pay for college, Diane, it’s one of the many things that keeps the rich rich and everyone else screwed. But now, right now, we have the opportunity to fix that.
We have a willing President, an enthusiastic House, and enough Senate votes with your say-so to turn this into law.” Can Jeff Perry monologue or what?

“So like I said, your offer makes sense, but it’s morally bankrupt. And if you and your little cadre of cynics show up tomorrow and vote against this bill, I promise both the President and your constituents will hear about how another fat-cat politician would rather hand the other side a loss than give regular Americans a win.” I AM SCREAMING.

“So how’s that for taking the long view?”

Mellie gets her votes and her Free College bill will pass.

“It was wrong of me to go to Mellie behind your back.” Oh, Jake.

“That’s not about being wrong. That’s about being too comfortable.”

“But no matter what, I NEVER should have let you back in my bed.” OH SHIIIIIIT.

“You got comfortable. You got familiar. You forgot who I am. You forgot to be afraid, and you overstepped.”


“Olivia, Cyrus didn’t take the bait. Looks like he’s Team Mellie all the way.” WAS OLIVIA TESTING HIM OMG.

“Or would you rather put an earpiece in my ear and feed me lines?” Oh SNAP, Mellie.

“You have my back. You don’t sneak around behind it and freelance after I give an order.”

“There’s three things you need to know about me that you should already know, but I clearly need to reiterate. One, you do not ignore me. Because, two, I am right, always. It’s frustrating get used to it.”

“And, three, there is only us. We have it all the people, the pulpit, the purse strings, the guns, all of it. Everything ours to deploy in the defense and betterment of the people and office we serve.”

“But the men outside these oval walls? They want to take it all away from us. Because they are terrified. Because they are outraged. Because they have come to the realization that all those centuries of misogyny and privilege and status quo are finally over.”

“That is why you never listen to a man over me.”

“You want to keep having it all? Reverse the tides of injustice, redraw the map, flood the darkness with light, earn our place, and make it so that a woman holding this office is no longer a novelty but the norm? Then you have to stop thinking of me as an employee and start thinking of me as what I am.”

“And what is that?” “The Boss.”

“Put your faith in me, and me alone, and you will become a monument. Ignore me, allow them to come between us, you become an asterisk.”

We see Olivia on her dinner date with Talk Show Boy. “I’m going to get up now. Let’s give it, I don’t know? 30 seconds? Then you come.” GET THAT SWEET ASS OLIVIA.

“Which one do you want to be, Mellie?” “A monument. I want to be a monument.” YEAH YOU FUCKING DO.

What did you think of the premiere? Let us know in the comments.

“A part of you that’s lost” – Outlander Recap – Surrender Fri, 22 Sep 2017 13:00:55 +0000

Outlander Season 3, Episode 2

Posted by Kim

“How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand…there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold.” – Frodo Baggins

When I was sitting down to write my intro for this recap, this quote from The Return of the King was the first thing that popped into my head. “The Battle Joined” was all about the moments where Jamie and Claire were still dealing with the immediate pain of their separation. And that pain really fucking hurt…but for them, I don’t think that at all compares to the pain of knowing that they have to go on with their own lives after losing what they had together. It’s a pain that may not be as intense but in some ways that phantom pain can be worse that the fresh wounds left on their hearts. Because it’s always there, smarting when you least expect it. You may think you’re doing okay and then BOOM. So how do you deal with that? That’s what “Surrender” explores.

It’s been six years since a physically and emotionally broken Jamie returned to Lallybroch.


The good things: Fergus is alive and well, if a little bit blood thirsty, cocky, and a bit of a show-off with his adopted cousins when it comes to the pistol hidden in the chicken coop. Jenny is as salty and 100% done with everyone’s shit as ever.  The bad thing: Jamie is a shell of what he once was, still haunted by the memory of Claire. He lives in a cave on the estate, his hair is long and unkempt and he’s given new meaning to the term “hiatus beard.” (But could still 100% get it.) He even has a new name: Dunbonnet, for the hat he wears to hide his red hair. Though, let’s be real, there’s not much hiding being done with that mane.

MY HEART. Source:

The other bad thing: the Red Coats are still on the hunt for Red Jamie, and they pay regular visits to Lallybroch, convinced that his family is hiding him. They regular cart Ian off to jail in hopes that they will finally turn him in. (Ian and Jenny’s faces when this happens though. “Kids, Dad’s off to jail again!) Of course, Jenny has zero intention of turning in her brother. Besides, according to her, it’s easy lying to them because “James Fraser hasn’t been here for a long, long time.” Jenny does everything she can to try to snap Jamie out of his funk, from begging him to help her with Lallybroch’s ledgers to trying to pawn off their maid/companion/friend Mary on him because she’s still of childbearing age and could be a good wife to him. But the thing is, if someone doesn’t WANT to be saved, you can’t save them. That’s exactly where Jamie is right now. He may be alive, but he’s not truly living because he doesn’t have the will to. Not without Claire. He’s perfectly content to live in his cave and hide away from the world, providing for his family in the only way he can: by hunting game for them Katniss Everdeen style.

Fergus also does his best to try to bring his adopted father back to him, though he approaches it differently than Jenny. He’s now trapped in that weird place between boy and man and he’s very much looking to Jamie to guide him, especially when it comes to protecting their family. He brings Jamie the pistol and essentially begs him to teach him how to shoot just so he’ll be able to defend his family from the Red Coats. Jamie is having none of it and Fergus calls him a coward, partly out of disappointment, but I also think part of it comes from him trying to do ANYTHING to jolt Jamie out of it.

But yet, I think they do get through to him on some level because after what I am guessing is years of Jamie refusing to help with the books, he shows up one day and mumbles to Mary (who is just giving him the DOE EYES) that he’s here to help with the books. He chooses a wonderful day to do that because Jenny is in labor. Fergus and the boys spot a raven outside of the house, and being that it’s an omen of death and all, Fergus goes for the pistol and shoots it in order to protect the coming baby. VERY BAD MOVE MY BOY. First because it enrages Jamie, who comes very close to striking his son, and second because the Red Coats who are patrolling the area hear it.

Outlander has always been good at escalating tension to where you literally can’t BREATHE while watching certain scenes, and the aftermath of the Raven shooting is no exception. The soldiers storm into the house WHILE JAMIE IS THERE, forcing him to hide just outside of Jenny’s room, clutching his new nephew in his arms. I have to give all the props to Laura Donnelly for this scene because she perfectly showcases Jenny snapping into her salty no-nonsense self in her confrontation with Captain Lewis but you can ALSO see the fear in her eyes and the way she is desperately trying to stay one step ahead of him. She lies and says her baby was stillborn (as Jamie stands just outside of the room trying to shush Baby Ian), and then Mary ups the ante, assessing the situation brilliantly by bringing the Captain the pistol and actually telling the TRUTH about the raven. The soldiers are seemingly satisfied by the story and leave…but not before Corporal McGregor (A TRAITOR TO HIS PEOPLE) hears a creak in the floorboards.


Later, Fergus is on his way to visit Jamie’s cave, and McGregor and his crew follow him, hoping that Fergus will lead them right there. Fergus is too smart for that though, and leads them on a wild goose chase, finally taunting them about how they are traitors. Jamie observes this from a distance and he isn’t able to do anything without revealing himself. He desperately urges Fergus to just SHUT UP under his breath (ME TOO) but Fergus just keeps talking. Finally, McGregor overpowers Fergus and then ACTUALLY cuts hand off and leaves him there to bleed out. Jamie springs into action, using medical knowledge he had learned from Claire to save his son’s life. (“Dinna be feart, Fergus, laddie. I watched Milady do this many times.” MY HEART.)

It’s almost losing Fergus that FINALLY makes Jamie see what hiding away from the world is costing him and his family. He breaks down with Jenny and then essentially goes to beg Fergus’ forgiveness, even though Fergus tells him there is nothing to forgive. “You remind me I have something to fight for,” Jamie confesses. “Oh there you are, Milord,” Fergus replies. OH THERE JAMIE IS INDEED. It’s a baby step, but you have to start somewhere. As Ian tells him later, phantom pain never really goes away. He still feels his lost leg. Fergus will always probably feel his hand. But they are the lucky ones in a way because those are just limbs. “Claire was your heart,” Ian says wisely. (HE GETS IT.) Jamie will always long for Claire and carry that pain for her in his chest, but you have to keep on living. (“Get busy living or get busy dying,” a very wise movie once said.) Jamie knows what he has to do now. Lallybroch will never be safe until he turns himself in and the LEAST Jamie can do is make sure his sister and his family is taken care of. He concocts a plan to make it look like Jenny is turning him in. She’s against it at first, not wanting to see her brother in another prison. “Little difference to the prison I live in now,” Jamie says. BABY.

Thus we reach the scene that for ME was probably the hardest one to watch. Mary comes to Jamie in his cave; she helps him transform back into the Jamie we all know and love by cutting his hair and shaving his beard. And THEN she offers herself to him for some good old comfort sex. Jamie is SUPER resistant at first because he feels like it’s a betrayal. Claire is the ONLY woman he’s ever slept with. I totally forgot that until I sat down to watch this for a second time and then I got even sadder. And then I started wondering why I am holding Jamie to a higher standard than Claire, who’s been having sex with Frank. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a fan of watching those scenes but watching Jamie get ready to have sex with another woman was so much worse for me? I was literally begging him not to do it through my TV screen. Is it because I know that Claire is out there trying to get back to him? Jamie doesn’t know that. Jamie has the right to move on; he shouldn’t have to sit around and be a monk for the rest of his life. I should probably find a therapist to discuss this with.

Because as hard as it was to watch, the whole seduction (if you can even call it that) was actually very sweet and quite tender. Mary is very open that she isn’t trying to replace his wife (which is often where Frank goes wrong when it comes to Claire). She’s not looking for love or earth-shaking passion. This is about finding comfort in the arms of another human being, nothing more. This is about trying to heal both of their broken hearts and it’s about some form of companionship. It’s something they both deserve, and even if I don’t like it, I have to give them that. But she’s TOTALLY going to get pregnant right. Jenny wasn’t talking about her still being at a good childbearing age for the show to just leave that tidbit dangling out there.


Jamie’s plan goes off without a hitch. They stage the whole thing perfectly. Jenny gets the reward money; everyone at Lallybroch comes out looking like loyalists and the Red Coats will never bother them again. I think the reason they don’t even question Jenny about this is because I actually don’t think she’s lying when she says that she’ll never forgive Jamie for this. Look at her face! You can’t fake that kind of pain. She knows it’s their only choice if they truly want to be free, but that doesn’t mean she has to like it or fully support it. How does Jamie get OUT of prison is the question. Tune in next week! (Or read the books. Psych. That’s not going to happen. I’m not reading the books on purpose, I’m in too deep with this vision of the story and I don’t want anything clouding it.)


Meanwhile, in 1949, Frank and Claire give their marriage the good old college try. They really do.

When we last left Frank and Claire, they were vowing that Brianna’s birth would be a new beginning for them, even as the nurse cooed over the baby girl’s red hair. (STILL SO AWKWARD.) We’re now in 1949, and while it may seem on the surface that they are making a go at it, not much has truly changed between them. They may share a bed, but Jamie is still very much there between them, as Claire lies next to her sleeping husband, masturbating while she fantasizes about her other husband. First of all, I would like to heap all the praise on Outlander for how it constantly portrays female sexuality, desire, and gaze in a positive light. Claire has always been unabashed when it comes to her desire for sex and it’s just so fucking refreshing to see. It’s not just that they show Claire pleasuring herself or openly asking for/initiating sex; it’s the fact that she never shows shame or timidness when it comes to her desires. WOMEN MASTURBATE. WOMEN CRAVE SEX. It’s a damn fact. And it’s something that should be portrayed more often. So thanks, Outlander. You’re doing amazing, sweetie. Second of all, if you had Jamie Fraser in your wank bank, wouldn’t you cash in on that all the time too?


The next morning (I’m guessing anyway) Claire settles down with her morning paper (I can just imagine steam coming out of the ears of that dean from last week’s episode because of this) and reads Brianna the news, showing that she will be the kind of mother that ALWAYS encourages her daughter to educate herself. (I mean we all knew she would be. I also loved how she didn’t talk down to her baby, she talked to her like an adult.) Brianna turns over all by herself and Claire immediately celebrates her, calling her girl clever over and over again (proving she will ALSO be the kind of mum who always celebrates her child’s brain over her child’s looks. Listen, Brianna is going to grow up knowing she’s smart and I love that so much.) Frank comes in, dressed only in a towel, because their water heater has gone out, and he joins the celebration. The whole scene is so freaking domestic, and Claire and Frank share a moment where she presses her hand to his bare chest and it’s…charged. (My notes: “Oh THIS just got interesting.”) Say what you want about Frank Randall (and believe me, I have) but I think this moment is so important because while he expressed his desire to be intimate with Claire again in the last episode, it’s clear from this moment that Frank has put the ball in her court. He’s waiting for HER and the moment she touches him, his face lights up and gets all hopeful. Of course, then it gets all awkward, but in Frank’s eyes, it’s a step in the right direction.

More than a step, really. Claire puts the moves on Frank that night and Frank is…a little shocked by the whole thing, waffling between “Let’s do this” and “What the fuck is going on?” Luckily for Claire, Frank chooses “Let’s do this.” “I miss my husband,” Claire says as she climbs on top of him and takes off her nightgown. Holy Hell, what a LOADED statement that is. Because on the surface, this can seem like it’s about Frank, about missing the closeness they once had, and about the desire to reconnect. But then Claire keeps her eyes closed the entire time they have sex and you just KNOW it’s not Frank she’s talking about missing. It’s Jamie. (I mean we knew already, but still now we KNOW.) Frank notices that she won’t look at him, of course he does. BUt he’s also half asleep and sex-starved so he lets it slide. This time. For this time, just the act of being with her is enough for him.


But that’s not enough forever. The whole “Imma have sex with you but pretend it’s someone else” situation isn’t sustainable. Frank’s not dumb and he’s not a masochist. They can both play the part of the doting and in love couple very easily; we see that in their dinner party with Millie and Jerry. (Even if Claire does look like she’s about two seconds away from breaking that bottle of wine over his head after they tap it.) I think even THEY believe in the parts they are playing as they have a nightcap, shit talk their guests, and then start to get frisky in front of the fireplace. Again, I have to say GOD BLESS CLAIRE for how she just is like “Okay, I’mma take my panties off and you’re going to do me right here and now.” May we ALL have her gumption. Things seem to be all hot and steamy and good until Frank starts begging her to look at him and she refuses. (Side note, they don’t even really kiss, which should have also been a major red flag for him.) Okay buddy, this is a valid concern and conversation you SHOULD have with your wife, but maybe you shouldn’t do it while you are literally inside of her? Claire tries to play it off, saying it doesn’t mean anything and she’s enjoying herself, but finally Frank just stops, which sets her off even more. I think, for Claire, the eyes closed sex with him is all she is capable of giving. Definitely now, maybe always. “If you’re not in the mood, you just had to say,” Claire snaps. Then Frank finally voices the truth they both know. “When I’m with you, I’m with YOU,” Frank says honestly. “But you’re with him.”

That’s pretty much it for Frank and Claire, isn’t it? You really can’t come back from that as a couple. Or at least Frank and Claire can’t. Everything changes for them after that night. I think Claire keeps trying to be the happy mum for a little while, but as cute and wonderful her daughter is, she just isn’t fulfilled. THIS IS SO IMPORTANT. So often, motherhood and marriage is treated as an end all be all for women. For some, it is, and that’s totally fine. But you know what else is fine? Wanting more than that and not being afraid to go after it. Thus, Claire enrolls in medical school. At Harvard. In 1949. (Fun fact, only 5.5% of medical students were women in 1949, and most of them went to women’s colleges, not co-ed ones. So imagine how much smaller the percentage of those women went on to be SURGEONS. Claire is a BAD ASS.) Claire is the first one in the anatomy class on her first day, beating even the professor. He arrives basically being all “Hey, pretty lady, are you lost or looking for someone?” and Claire essentially says “I’m looking for you, SIR, because you’re my teacher.” The professor scoffs at not only a woman but a NEGRO being in his class. HOW DARE people other than white men want to learn, amirite? All the other upper class white men in the class stare at her like she’s an animal escaped from the zoo. They block her way into the gallery like this is Forrest Gump (“SEAT’S TAKEN.”) Claire, BLESS HER, just shrugs and takes her seat. As she does, the new arrival, a black man, gets the same treatment from the others. He spots Claire and you can basically SEE both of their shoulders slump in relief. The two outsiders sit next to each other and smile. I can’t wait until they Ellis Grey and Richard Webber the SHIT out of all of these losers.


Swoon Worthy Jamie Fraser Moment



It’s this…


BECAUSE LOOK AT HIM. The smirk, the hair, the body. GOD BLESS US EVERYONE.


Also dat ass.

Dragonflies in Amber

  • Anyone who knows the musical The Secret Garden knows how much this post PAINED ME.

  • “This is history in the making, you’ll want to hear it.”
  • Jenny’s dry delivery of “You’ll have ballads sung in your honor” was everything.
  • All I could think of while Jamie was gutting that fish was Gollum doing the same thing in The Two Towers.
  • I understand Jamie’s reasoning in NOT telling Jenny about Claire being pregnant, but it still hurts me that she has no idea and that her constant pushing for Jamie to have kids is really just causing him more pain.
  • “Her talents lie elsewhere.” GROSS JERRY IS GROSS.
  • “I prefer the taste of French wine.” Never change, Fergus.
  • “So which of Millie’s talents do you think Jerry was referring to?” “Well, it’s obviously her encyclopedic knowledge of the complete works of Shakespeare.” SEE THIS IS SO SAD BECAUSE THEY DO BANTER REALLY WELL.
  • I hope there is a moment in EVERY EPISODE where some older white man spews some sort of bullshit at Claire and she just murders them with her eyes.

  • Fashion goals:
  • Claire standing and listening to the bagpiper and then tipping him was SO SAD.

What did you think of “Surrender”? Let us know in the comments!

“Where’d she get the red hair?” – Outlander Recap – The Battle Joined Sat, 16 Sep 2017 13:00:22 +0000

Outlander Season 3, Episode 1
“The Battle Joined” 

Posted by Kim

Our long international nightmare is no more. The Droughtlander has FINALLY ended and Claire and Jamie are back in our lives. SCOTLANDDDDDDDDD.

So where were we?

OH RIGHT. The Battle of Culloden is nigh, Claire told Jamie she was pregnant, they banged, and then Jamie sent Claire back to the future. Claire becomes a mother fucking SURGEON and she takes her red-headed daughter to Scotland where (welp) Brianna learns that her father was an eighteenth century Scottish Highlander. Brianna sees Geillis Duncan go through the stones and realizes her mother isn’t lying. After spending twenty years believing that Jamie died on the battlefield, Claire learns that Jamie didn’t die and there’s a big possibility she can get back to him. She pulls a Jack Shepard being all “I have to go back.” as the sunrise breaks over Craigh Na Dun.

And that’s what you missed on Glee.

One of my favorite things about Outlander as a show is how it manages to balance time, story structure, and keeping things fresh and exciting when your audience knows SO MUCH ahead of time. We KNOW Jamie survives the Battle of Culloden, because Claire finds the records in the 60’s. (And because there is not a show without Sam Heughan, soz.) But what we DON’T know is what Jamie went through in the aftermath of the battle and the emotional journey he took. That is the interesting shit and that is the stuff that Outlander is truly the best at showing us.


What I love about “The Battle Joined” is that we open with Jamie’s perspective for the first time in the series. It’s a QUIET opening as we take in the aftermath of Culloden, which was just as bad as we knew it would be, if not worse. (It is such a lovely contrast to last season’s opening with Claire arriving in 1948 disoriented and sobbing hysterically.) It’s a fucking massacre; bodies of the Jacobite army are literally in piles and the Red Coats are looting for valuables AND killing anyone they find alive. (YIKES.) Jamie is among the piles of bodies, shielded from view by the body of Blackjack Randall. (I love how the show chose not to show Blackjack’s face for a good while, even though we all knew it was him. ALSO the delicious beauty that Blackjack ended up SAVING Jamie is something I’m gonna think about for a long time.)

As Jamie waits for death to claim him, we get glimpses of what exactly got him here. We see him in the moments after Claire vanishes, sadly smelling their sex blanket. (If it were ANY OTHER character, I’d be like EW GROSS but with Jamie Fraser, I’m all “Look how sad he is!” I need help.) We see Bonny Prince Bitch Baby waiting until the last-minute to pull the trigger on his troops to GO, which most definitely condemns them all to death. We see the Jacobites charging, sword raised, running directly into the waiting line of rifles and bayonets. (I don’t understand battles, you guys. Why in the HELL is running into a human wall of guns EVER a good idea? Like who thinks they can actually get past that?) We see Murtagh saving Jamie’s ass and living his BEST life. (SPARE HIM.) And then we see this…

Okay, this is HORRENDOUS to say considering Jamie and Blackjack’s history but it’s also a very deliberate choice on Outlander’s part that the moment that Randall and Jamie see each other across the battlefield feels like that sweeping moment in a romance where the crowds part for the lovers at the opposite ends of the room. Fuck, even the LIGHT agrees with me here, with how that orange sunset just bathes them in glorious light. To borrow from A Streetcar Named Desire, Jamie and Blackjack Randall have had this date with each other since the beginning. They were always going to wind up here. Tobias Menzies and Sam Heughan bring so much to this scene that goes beyond the surface. There’s rage and there’s desire and there’s pain…and in those final moments there’s even a flicker of peace? (I can’t get over the fact that Tobias IMPROVISED the reach for Jamie. GOD.) Jamie and Blackjack’s embrace also reminded me of the final moments of Legends of the Fall where Tristan and the Bear embrace right before his death. It’s a moment of acceptance, a moment of becoming one with that part of him that was forever tied to the bear. I think it plays out this way for Jamie too. It’s a way for Jamie to get his vengeance and but also get some closure for that horrendous chapter of his life. I’m not saying that Jamie forgives Randall but I think at last Jamie accepts that this is what happened to him and he’ll find a true way to move on now that he’s not weighed down by the promise he made to himself. The thirst for revenge is a very heavy burden to carry. (Just ask Hamlet.) I’m glad that it seems like Jamie’s finally going to be free of it.


So what is left for Jamie now that he’s gotten his vengeance? From his behavior for the rest of the episode, he clearly believes nothing is left for him. He lies on the battlefield and sees Claire coming for him like some sort of guardian angel waiting to escort them to the other side. (How gorgeous was this whole shot by the way? I mean the whole episode was beautiful, but this was especially so.) Jamie is ready to die, that much is clear. He’s so ready that when he realizes that it’s Rupert coming for him and not Claire that he begs him to leave him there. Rupert, BLESS HIM, even after the whole Dougal thing, refuses to let Jamie die in the mud. He takes him to a barn where a handful of survivors are hiding out and the whole time Jamie is basically saying “I just want to die, bro.”

Because in his mind what is there to live for? He made sure that Jenny and her family were taken care of in regards to Lallybroch before the battle even began. Claire is gone. His vow of vengeance has been fulfilled. His clan is gone and now he has to watch the Red Coats kill all the survivors in the barn one by one. Jamie has defined himself by three things: his honor, his clan, and his wife. He has his honor through his vow. He’s lost his clan and he’s lost his wife. In his mind, he doesn’t have anything left. Sam is so brilliant in all the scenes in the barn because you can see his weary and broken heart in every twitch of his face. It’s such subtle and difficult work because he literally is only limited to a few words and conveying everything through his (beautiful) face.


Jamie’s so ready that he doesn’t even want to write his a letter when given the chance. (Me: BUT JENNY! Don’t you think your sister deserves to know? WHAT ABOUT FERGUS OMG?) He’s so ready that he doesn’t even flinch when Gordon takes his leave. He just offers him a simple “I’ll see you soon.” It’s so much. But of course, this is not the end for him. Remember the young British soldier John Grey that Jamie spared in Season Two? It turns out that his brother is the Captain that’s been in charge of executing everyone in the barn. Harold Grey, while he has been carrying out the orders of not allowing any of the Jacobites to live, HAS been treating all these men with a sense of honor this entire time. You can tell that he doesn’t relish his assignment. He’s offered the men chances at dying like soldiers (rather than just killing everyone right away) so he can give them some dignity. He’s offered to let them tie up loose ends with letters. And the moment he realizes that Jamie is RED JAMIE, the man who spared his brother, you can see his expression shift to a “Damn my sense of honor” kind of expression. You see, John Grey made Jamie a promise. a ‘debt of honor” as his brother puts it. Jamie tried to deny it (because he just WANTS TO DIE), telling Harold that John actually promised to kill him, but Harold knows better. He spares Jamie, even if it’s reluctantly. In his mind, bribing someone to get him out of there is just prolonging Jamie’s suffering. He’s so close to death that there is no way that he’ll actually survive the journey home (so it’s like he’s killing him like he’s supposed to, but he’s doing while fulfilling the promise his brother made. Just this once, everybody wins.)


So that’s how a dying Jamie ended up in the back of a wagon that took him home. It turns out he’s stronger than Grey thought he was because the next thing Jamie knows, he’s waking up to Jenny practically climbing into the back of the wagon with him.

“Is this heaven?”

“No. It’s Lallybroch.”

Or that’s how it went in my head anyway.


In my recap of “Dragonfly in Amber” I bemoaned that Frank Randall had been reduced to a footnote in Claire’s life thanks to the time jump past his death. SILLY ME to think that Outlander would deprive me of such delicious angst. “The Battle Joined” takes us through Claire’s pregnancy and their move to Boston. Frank, bless his heart, is TRYING. He buys a beautiful house for them in Boston; he tries to banter with her about cooking with a terrible American accent. He’s trying. I know I’ve been singing his praises his whole recap but Tobias Menzies is so brilliant, you guys. Frank is a thankless part. None of us want to see Claire with him. Hell, Claire doesn’t want to be with him. Not any more. But she DID love him at one point, and that’s what Frank is really clinging to here. I feel for the guy, honestly, because even as I type this, I’m thinking of the way Frank deals with some of his emotions and I’m all “he’s the worst.” But at the same time, I think the way Frank reacts is so painfully HUMAN. It’s the same for Claire. You can see that she’s trying too. She puts on a smile and a brave face during the house tour and even manages to banter with him a bit but the thing is you can’t control grief. Because that’s what Claire is dealing with here: a grief that’s painfully deep. And it’s not just a grief for Jamie. She’s mourning him, sure, and he’s the biggest part of it, but she’s also mourning the life she had built in Scotland.


Just look at how much she’s frustrated by modern “conveniences” now. She may have been a modern woman, but Claire truly found herself in the Eighteenth Century, so naturally it’s an adjustment for her to come back. (Also I relate to her struggles with the stove so much because my pilot light goes out all the damn time and it’s frustrating as hell.) Also, strangely, 1948 feels a bit more backwards when it comes to women’s rights. Claire is met on all sides with people telling her that she should be content to cook and keep house and pop out baby after baby. Her lovely (and well dressed) neighbor watches Claire with bemusement as she (BLESS) cooks dinner in the fireplace, telling Claire about her OWN husband. “He’s really no different from most men in this world who don’t want their wives doing anything out of the ordinary. Just cook, clean, raise the kids, look pretty when they meet the boss.” WELP. (Also, I WISH we had seen Frank’s face when he found out that Claire cooked in the fireplace. I feel cheated that we didn’t.)

And then there’s this asshole who basically pulls a Gaston when Claire tries to join in on a political conversation. “It’s not right for a woman to read. Soon she starts getting ideas…and thinking…”


If there were a special award for the Internally Screaming Shade Face, Caitriona Balfe would have shelves of them. I love how all the words that come out of Claire’s mouth during this conversation are pointedly polite while her eyes are screaming “Imma cut you, bitch.” The Dean fucking TAUNTS her (and judges Frank, who just kind of stands there being like “Ummmm…she’s gonna blow, bro.”) saying that the next thing you know, Claire’s going to want to go to Harvard Law like it’s some massive joke that a woman would want to pursue a career over babies. She pointedly brings up Harvard medical school going co-ed and the dean basically pats her on the head saying “Oh honey. Stick to babies?” Claire’s response even as she claims that she’s very happy to pursue domestic happiness? “Did you just dare me to go to med school? I think you did.”


Things come to a bit of a breaking point with Frank and Claire when she expresses her desire to become an American Citizen. They’ve shared breakfast together, where Frank has waxed poetic on British tea being better and scoffed at how America is obsessed with the latest and greatest. I get that he’s just trying to make conversation, but it shows a bit of emotional cluelessness on his side because for Claire the concept of “the past” means more than tea in a tin and the good old days. For her, the past is Jamie…and her constant forward thinking is just her way of coping with Frank’s demand that she not live in the past. So, no, Frank. Claire does not want to talk about the good old days. And frankly, I think her desire to become a citizen has a hell of a lot to do with her wanting to put as much distance as possible between her and the British Isles. It’s a whole lot easier to not dwell in the past if you aren’t constantly bombarded by it.

The conversation takes a turn when Claire says “I want our child to have a real home.” Frank reaches for her belly and she flinches away from him, making it VERY clear who the “our” is in her mind. I had been waiting for the flinching the ENTIRE episode. (Ask Sage, I had just texted her about it right before I got to this scene. And then I texted her saying “There it is.”) What’s painful about this scene is that it’s very real on both sides. Grief is not something that can be wrapped up in a pretty package or given a tidy end date and that’s where Frank is insensitive when he asks her when she plans on coming back from the past. Claire is TRYING, which is why she loses her shit here. Because believe me, I don’t think Claire wants to be sitting around with this gaping hole in her heart. But she is LITERALLY carrying Jamie’s child at the moment. He’s actually a living breathing part of her, which just magnifies the pain of him not BEING there. So of course she’s going to flinch away from Frank’s touch and get HELLA offended when he implies that this is about sex.

(Also bro, she’s nine months pregnant. Give it a rest. Her hormones are wreaking HAVOC.)

That’s what this comes down to really: Frank still can’t get past the fact that Claire is carrying another man’s child. Not in that moment anyway, because he throws it in her face like her marriage to Jamie was something sordid or it was just about fucking. He deserved the ashtray in his face, y’all. But what makes this HARD is how he reacts after she lashes out. It’s such a brilliant acting choice by Tobias to have Frank go quiet and calm here.

Frank: I didn’t force this bargain on you, Claire. I didn’t force you to come to Boston. And I’m not forcing you to stay.
Claire: I never thought otherwise.
Frank: Go or stay. But please do it because it’s what you really want to do.

That’s why you can’t hate Frank, y’all. At his core, he is a good man and he’s not forcing Claire to stay with him. He still LOVES her and he wants to be there for her…is it so unfair for him to ask that from her in return? They WERE madly in love at some point. (Never forget the oral sex in the castle.) But in the same vein, shouldn’t Frank have patience with her? I mean, Christ, it’s only been a few months. If she were over it already, she would be a ROBOT. So basically, no one wins in this situation. They’re both right and they’re both wrong. And they will both be miserable unless someone GIVES here.

So that’s what Frank does. He finally comes to the realization that Claire is never going to be able to move on without getting some form of closure regarding Jamie. So he writes a letter to the Reverend, asking him to see if he can find out what happened to Jamie. (It hurts knowing that Claire never KNEW he did this for her until after he was gone.) Frank’s writing is interrupted by Claire going into labor and things shift between them once again because Frank finds out there’s so much more going on here than meets the eye.

Not only is Claire dealing with the loss of Jamie, she’s still processing the loss of her first daughter, Faith. Frank’s reaction is here is so much because it’s like he has a sudden revelation that Claire has been through so much he doesn’t know about because he didn’t ASK. (Maybe you should have, my guy.) I love how the show managed to make allusions to “Faith” without being heavy-handed about it. It’s why Claire fights the anaesthesia (I still can’t believe this was a common practice back then) because it’s so close to what happened to her with Faith. It’s why she panics when she wakes up without her baby in her arms. She’s been through this loss before and it’s so heartbreaking that her first response when she wakes up is whether or not her baby is dead.

Despite his misgivings, it’s love at first sight for Frank and baby Brianna. It’s love at first sight for BOTH Frank and Claire. Maybe they’ll never be passionately in love with each other again (I do think too much has happened for that to be a possibility) but they CAN make a live together that’s filled with love for this little girl. “This is all that truly matters now,” Frank declares. “Maybe this right here can really be a new beginning,” Claire agrees and they are both so fucking hopeful I want to cry.

And then the nurse has to go and ruin the party by asking where the red hair came from.

Damn those Fraser genes.

source: nighean–

Swoon Worthy Jamie Fraser Moment


Can we just continue to appreciate the LOVING way in which this show lights Sam Heughan? GOD.

Dragonflies in Amber

  • I appreciate that Bonny Prince Bitch Baby got one last “MARK ME” in there before everything went to hell.
  • This person who hasn’t read the books is hoping against all hops that Murtagh got out alive. I mean, look at their face! We need him. LET ME HAVE THIS FOR A WHILE, I KNOW IT’S UNLIKELY.
#SaveMurtagh Source:
  • I don’t understand how this show hasn’t taken home BUCKETS of awards for its cinematography. Those battle sequences were stunning. And the way they lit Jamie and Blackjack’s last battle, all bathed in that golden orange? Get the fuck out.
  • Speaking of stunning, I appreciate how the whole beginning was basically a loving ode to Sam’s bone structure.
  • Forever obsessed with how they do the transitions from Jamie to Claire whenever they are separated.
  • RIP Rupert. You will be missed.


  • When Claire started talking about America being eager and looking towards the future, I couldn’t help but think she would have been a massive fan of Hamilton. She’s young, scrappy, and hungry and she is not throwing away her shot.
  • Claire’s camel coat when they are getting ready to go to the hospital? GIMME.
  • Childbirth in the 40’s was BARBARIC.

  • I love how Frank tells Claire he loves her right before she goes into delivery and he doesn’t even flinch when she doesn’t say it in return. HE’S TRYING.

And that’s our premiere! What were your thoughts on “The Battle Joined”? Let us know in the comments.

Featured Image Source: Starz

#HereComeTheVampires – An Interview With Charging Moose Media Thu, 24 Aug 2017 13:15:54 +0000
Shooting Season Two of The Hunted

Posted by Kim and Sage

Earlier this year, a good friend of mine texted me with the link to a web series that a friend of hers had written and produced. “You’ll love it,” she said. “It’s vampires and it’s musical theatre and I really think you guys would be friends.” Thus, I hit play on The Hunted: Encore, and then I promptly sent it to Sage telling HER to watch. A few weeks later, Sage and I met up for beers with the creators, Ned Donovan and Marcus Thorne Bagalà, to talk about their production company Charging Moose Media, The Hunted, and creating good work on a minimal budget. 

Kim: Remind us again how you guys even came together and how the production company formed.

Marcus: We met in the summer of 2007 in the Maine premiere of All Shook Up, and we were both in the show. Which is not surprising for Ned, but it’s surprising for me. At this juncture in my life. And we were just friends, and we did a bunch of shit together.

Ned: His younger brother Sam is an incredible piano player/music director. And Marcus plays the guitar at an absurd level. And in high school, they both actually played at an absurd level. And so I like surrounding myself with talented people and making myself look more talented…

M: That’s actually a nice lead in to Charging Moose, because that’s exactly what we’re doing.

N: For senior year at my high school, you had to do a project. They give us two months off. I decided to put on a production of The Last Five Years by Jason Robert Brown with a very dear friend of mine named Genney Meyers, who is another actress in the city right now. We wanted to do the full orchestra, not the shortened down version. So I called Marcus and Sam and said, “Please help! I don’t know what I’m doing.” So they music directed.

M: Sam was 15. And he played it note-for-note.

N: He sight-read the piano score to The Last Five Years by Jason Robert Brown at 15 years old. Marcus played the guitar. And then we had two cellos, a viola, and a violin. We had a bass. And Marcus and I started working together pretty much all the time.

M: The real thing that led to The Hunted happening is in college, I was at Berklee doing film scoring, and Ned was at Ithaca and they did an old-school version of The Hunted that we don’t tell people about.

N: It’s so bad.

M: It’s really bad. I ended up scoring that.

N: I started handing Marcus off to the entire film school at Ithaca, because though the composition majors at Ithaca are insanely talented, they’re generally less film scoring based.

M: And it became a thing. People would call me. And then we moved to New York…

N: It started with the Christmas album, really. Marcus does this yearly Christmas album and he called me once he moved to the city with his then-girlfriend-turned-fiance-now-wife, saying, “We’re putting together a Christmas album like we’ve done for the last few years and we’re looking for people to come in and sing.” And every year we did a different theme. One year we did Whiskey and Wine, which is their band. One year we did live in his apartment.

M: We put like 15 people in my apartment and just recorded things…We tried to write a movie musical.

N: When we were in high school…

M: And it was god-awful.

Sage: What was it about?

N: There were three guys all chasing after the same girl, and she was playing all of them and she ran off with a fourth guy at the end.

M: And their friendship was strengthened because of that.

K: So then at what point were you like, we should make a production company?

N: We were fucking around and doing a thing for fun.

M: I think that’s still the case.

N: Yeah, we might still be in that phase, we just pretend like we’re professionals. I, for a good while, made most of my money as an actor. Then I joined the union and became super-unemployed pretty quickly, as happens to many people. So I was super-unemployed and feeling artistically stifled by auditions. And I’d been in a show a year and a half earlier, Once Upon a Mattress, and we used to laugh backstage because we would turn “Yesterday I Loved You” into a dub step number whenever it went into the halftime break. And then I was doing Damn Yankees and we would always joke that “Near to You,” which is a trio from the second act, should have been written by Muse. So I went to Marcus and said, “I want to make a small album of classic showtunes written for today’s radio.”

M: I had just decided to work freelance. For a while, I’d been working for another composer doing TV and movie stuff. And I had quit because I totally burned out. There was a spring where we were doing three movies and a TV show at the same time. And I was overseeing one of the movies so I wrote a bunch of it. And then I totally lost my mind because I was working 80 hours a week.

S: I don’t think it’s possible to be creative 80 hours a week.

M: No, and that was the thing for me. I don’t know how to be writing music right now. It took about eight months to disentangle myself from that. And it all ended on good terms. Basically when I quit, it coincided with Ned being like, “Yo, we should do this album.” So it became like the first thing that we were both doing with both of us having major life changes.

N: So we called a bunch of our really good friends. Rather than Marcus and I write the whole thing, we had a different artist write a track. So my friend Harry is an English teacher up in Ithaca, New York, who also happens to be one of the best punk singers I’ve ever heard. So we had him record “There is Nothing like a Dame” like a Blink 182 track. And our friend Scott programmed all the computer beats for Hamilton, so we had him design two tracks for us, and we got Oak who plays Hercules Mulligan to rap a Sondheim song for us. So we were planning a 5-track EP and it turned very quickly into an 11-track album. That was released in March, and it got great feedback. That is on our website,

M: Super free…because we are not legally allowed to sell it.

The Hunted: Encore

N: Backtracking a little bit, when I was in college, we did this horrific version of this show The Hunted. The Hunted is the longest running web series of all time. It’s been in circulation since 2001, run by a guy named Bob Chapin. It ended up spinning off, because a lot of people did it around the country. The guy who trained me in stunts – I do stunts and fight direction when I’m not acting – did one that I cowrote for a contest Bob ran, and we came in second. And so Bob called us and said, “Do you want to keep going? And Mark was moving to St. Louis and I was going to college. So he asked me to keep going, just using acting kids at Ithaca College. And that was The Hunted: Expulsion. And it wasn’t good, but it was a good time.

M: It was your first directing thing, my first scoring thing.

N: It was my first writing, it was real bad. Really my first time acting on camera and let me tell you right now, I consider myself relatively good as an actor or I wouldn’t do it for a living, but it’s bad. Bob called us right after we released “Give My Regards,” saying, “I listened to the album it’s incredible and I’ve always wanted to do the Dr. Horrible version. Do you guys want to be in charge with making the musical episode?” And we were like, “Sure!” And he was like, “Great, there’s a contest ending in three weeks, please submit! And I wrote him back and I said, “No. If we’re gonna do this, we’re gonna do the HELL out of it.” What Bob was thinking we were going to do was take a song and parody the lyrics and do a thing, instead Marcus and I put our heads together and wrote a 30-minute, four-episode, all original music spin-off of The Hunted.

M: Still in an extremely short amount of time.

N: We wrote our first drafts when you were on your honeymoon.

K: Your wife must have LOVED that.

M: It was the day before we were going to fly out and I woke up and Megan was reading. And she was like, “Yeah, I’m reading Ned’s draft of the web series…it’s really fucking good.” And Megan’s probably the least likely to give out compliments for anything.

N: And I also wrote her as the lead.

M: Well that helps.

N: I think she would have been more critical, I feel…Cause the whole point is that everyone plays themselves. All The Hunted affiliates are male-led. So when we were going to a musical and a new spin-off, I was like, I don’t want to do another dude-run Hunted because there’s a lot of those. Let’s create one around a girl. And I knew Megan was a Krav Maga instructor, she’s like a bad ass. If we’re going to make an action musical, I’m going to call my friend who’s actually like an action star and who can sing better than almost anyone I know.

S: And who do you think of when you think a vampire slayer?

N: You think of Buffy. Then I drank an entire bottle of whiskey and wrote a first draft.

M: Then we shot it in three days.

N: We recorded the music in two weeks.

K: That’s crazy.

N: We had a crazy situation with one of our actors. The idea was that Megan runs her own Hunted that absorbs the college cast…So, Max [from the college version], about 36 hours before we filmed, we got a call from SAG and they were like, “Hey, Max needs to join SAG if he’s going to film with you.” And Max was like, “I’m not ready to join.”

K: That’s such a major decision for an actor too.

N: And with our really niche web series, that’s maybe not the time to jump into SAG. So Max had to pull out. So we call our friend Adam, who I did a musical with, he’s an ex-lawyer. I picked him up from his film shoot and drove him straight to Marcus’s studio to record all of his songs.

M: The funny thing is, we didn’t actually finish. He lipsynced for the other guy [in places].

S: Just like Zac Efron in the first High School Musical.

K: You had said when we had drinks before…

N: Side note: we have drinks a lot.

S: And we’re drinking again.

K: ‘Cause the music all is very ’80s hair band.

M: That was mine – Ned fought me on it, and I was like no, that’s what vampires sound like.


N: I really wasn’t into the idea. But we had a different composer on every song, so Marcus wrote “Here Come the Vampires” with Megan. And he played for me his idea for “Here Come the Vampires,” and I was like, “Godammit, you’re right, okay.”

K: And it worked. It’s so funny. You had different writers for every one, but they still sound so very similar.

N: What you’re doing right now is giving props to Marcus Thorne Bagalà sitting to my left.

M: Well, not just me. So, basically when Ned pitched the idea to do multiple composers, I was like, “That’s great, but that’s be a fucking trainwreck.” So we have to figure out how we have a bunch of composers and still have it sound like a cohesive piece. So we had all these composers come in and then they funneled all the music through me and my partner Will, who mixed all the music and arranged half of it. So the composers wrote all these awesome songs and we listened to them and said, “Okay…”

N: How can we rock them up?

M: Like the song Danny wrote was like a really kitschy musical theater song.

N: Everyone check out Danny Bernstein, he’s an amazing composer. So he wrote our song, but it was like, piano-y – it was the sidekick song.

K: I LOVE that song.

N: Once we listened to it, Marcus was like, “How can we make it sound like the Beatles?” So that was how we found a rock “in” on it.

M: So Will just did an amazing job of turning it into a Queen/Beatles kind of thing. And we kinda did that with all of them.

N: We also had the benefit of Andrew Mayer, the guy who comes in on the motorcycle…

M: Blade. The guy who plays Blade.

N: So, Andrew Mayer and I were working on a new musical off and on. And he’s a stunt man, he does fights as well. He’s also an insanely accomplished violinist. He’s currently in Natasha, Pierre, and the Great Comet of 1812…So as soon as I knew we had Andrew, I called Marcus and said, “We have an electric violin, which he has custom-built, that Andrew calls his AXE.”

M: It was a missed joke.

N: We were trying to figure out how to use it as a weapon without hurting it…so once we were done filming The Hunted, now we have two very high quality musical projects that have nothing to do with each other, except that they’re both remarkably niche in their own genres. So we said, “We have all these random projects, maybe we should create a production company and have an umbrella under which they all live.” That was the founding of Charging Moose.

K: And where did the name come from?

N: We’re both from Maine, and we wanted something that spoke to home.

M: And also my nickname in college was also Moose. That just happened.

N: We had three names we really liked that were all taken, including one by potentially a porn company that’s owned by one of the Baldwins?


S: Gotta be Billy.

K: I like the concept of Charging Moose too, because it’s not steamrolling, but yo, we’re going to come in there and fuck shit up.

N: We actually didn’t think of the pun until drunk.

M: We were talking about the logo and it was like…

N: *drunk* “What if it’s a moose…that’s plugged in?” It’s weird and kitschy, which kind of describes all our projects to date.

M: I have a very light background in working with production companies here, and they all take themselves SO seriously and we don’t take ourselves seriously at all.

K: Also your bug is very important. Whenever I go see a film, it’s like, oh, I like that one, that one’s creative.

M: Bad Robot was…

*Commence group freak out about Bad Robot*

N: So Arden Barlow is in Mass and she’s a flash animator who’s made a successful flash series dealing mostly in lots of great LGBT content, so I reached out to her through a friend, and she ended up making our bug, which is a moose that runs at you but then runs out of power and a little plug comes in and plugs him in.

S: When I started watching the series, I was like, “Okay people are talking, people are talking, people are talking,” and then there’s a stunt moment.

N: Megan kicks the shit out of me.

S: And I was like, OH. That looked…I was expecting that I’d be like, “Oh, that’s nice,” but it was CRAZY more professional than I was expecting.

K: I had the same reaction too.

S: Something I don’t expect out of web series is that level and when you talk about being a stunt man and knowing that fight choreography, I feel like that’s what really sets it apart.

M: We had a long conversation about this yesterday that our M.O. is trying to figure out with our extremely limited to zero budgets how to do the things we want to do to either compete or get close to…

N: Do something quality as High Maintenance or Broad City.

M: My dream is to do a web series on an iPhone that could go up against a real TV show.

S: Do you feel comfortable saying or dancing around how much you spent on the web series?

N: 2016 was a hell of a year for so many reasons for everyone. Me personally, I kind of had a really terrible year, my father passed away in February. And I took a ton of time off my life, including my art. I was living in his house in Pennsylvania and going slowly insane and selling all his things, settling his estate. It was really rough and that was when we were in the midst of making the album and the album kind of saved my brain because it gave me something to do while sitting in an empty house in Allentown by myself. I knew that we were going to be filming right around my birthday, which I figured was going to suck. So I decided to self-fund The Hunted out of my life insurance fund. So The Hunted had a larger budget than we’ve ever had or probably will for a while. We probably spent around eight or nine thousand.

M: Which is still very modest.

K: Especially for how it LOOKS. Like, the production quality is so good on it.

N: Our video partner Garrett is an unbelievable video DP, cameraman and video editor. At the end of the album, I recorded a song for my dad that we shot a music video for…We brought him in on The Hunted, and he handled getting our camera together, he found our sound team. We had good mics, which, to me, makes all the difference.

M: Still ended up being extremely challenging to mix.

N: We only had two lanyards and one boom mic for between five and seven people.

S: Where did the idea come from to have your cameraman be a character?

N: That’s also Hunted lore. Bob’s thing is that his cameraman is Mikey. Our thing is that our cameraman talks. Mikey doesn’t talk.

K: And what was it like filming-wise with the guy who is multiplied?

S: You guys, the vamping joke made my life.

N: I’m so glad, because I came up with it after too many whiskeys and everyone thought it was SO STUPID.

K: And especially with how long it took them to get it.

M: I fought so hard on that.

N: I fought for that joke every day. Cause everyone tried to cut it on me and I REFUSED.

S: I mean my sense of humor falls around vaudeville, so like, perfect.

N: So John, who is another insanely talented individual, who is my college roommate, spent three years on the Once national tour.

M: And he spent three years learning every instrument under the sun.

N: John is one of my closest friends and one of our closest collaborators and he runs an incredible band everyone should check out called Common Jack. Common Jack is like an indie bluegrass-y folk band.

M: They’re folk rock.

N: We tried to make The Hunted: Expulsion Season 2, never happened. We wrote John as a vampire who is cloning himself, so that’s what we transferred over into Encore. It allows us to make a fun joke, and John’s so talented, he could play his entire song by himself.

K: That was my favorite section.

M: We did a lot of composite shots.

N: Right, so we locked to camera as wide as possible and our director Ryan set it up so John recorded the entire song standing in one section of the frame, then we spliced the four videos simultaneously.

K: So who edited it together?

N: Garrett mostly, and I would sit with him.

M: The way that we shot it was so that it was a surprisingly easy edit job.

N: What I really like about The Hunted is that it’s one-take. I like that it feels like a one-take show. So from an edit standpoint, everything we shoot is what we’re going to put together, because we don’t have another angle.

M: So it was more about picking takes…it actually made for an interesting, different kind of job.

N: A lot of the songs are shot four separate takes, but we need to splice them exactly so the music lines up.

M: And you have a lot less leeway because of that.

N: So there were moments where we had to add slow motion effects or we had to stretch a couple of things by a few seconds, because we’d edit it and find that the song had gotten screwed. That was the hardest part of editing.

K: And as far as picking locations, what was that like?

N: I wrote for what I knew I had.

K: What bar is that?

N: Halyards is my bar in Brooklyn. It’s a glorious bar in Gowanus and I’m really good friends with the manager and I go there for every Patriots game, and I called him and I said, “How much would it cost to rent it off-hours for six hours?” And he said, “Are you going to bring a bunch of people to Patriots games all year?” And he said, “Great.”

M: So we had it for a day.

N: And that was actually the last day. The first day we filmed the third ep at the Green Building in Brooklyn which is where Marcus got married and that’s how we found it. So the original location for the third episode was a park, then we thought about the logistics of bringing in power and sound…

M: It’s a logistical nightmare.

N: [The parks department] never got back to us and we’re like a week out and I looked at the forecast and it was rain, so I called the Green Building and they gave us the space. The lighting was beautiful.

S: It also made me think of all those Buffy scenes that are in warehouses.

K: And then the theater you filmed in?

N: That’s the theater under St. Mark’s down in Alphabet City. I always wanted it to be a theater, because John’s a theatrical dude and we decided that any guy who’s playing a full song instead of trying to kill us is a theatrical character.

K: You guys sitting in the audience and clapping for him, I mean come on.

M: It made for a really interesting space to do choreography in.

N: It was really small.

M: As you’re watching it, the thing you don’t realize is that there are people hiding behind bars. It was such a small space.

K: What are the plans for a Season 2?

N: I’m going to meet up with Preston Max Allen who wrote the opening number. They are going to be the sole composer on Season 2. The idea on multiple composers is most of the songs are introductions to different characters. We thought it’d be more interesting to have multiple composers because each song would have a different flavor.

M: There’s a logistical concern there too about time.

N: So Preston’s going to write all of Season 2 now that everyone’s established. We’d LIKE to get it done and releasable by Halloween, which is when we released Season 1.

K: Are you going to do any sort of crowd-funding?

M: Our goal as a company is to explore the absolute bare minimum of what we can do to still get a quality product and not spend any money, because we think it’s really interesting. And there’s a lot of fertile ground in it. So over the year, we’ve discovered a lot of different things that we can apply to that. And we’re also not huge fans of crowd-funding.

N: I always have trouble with crowd-funding when it comes to artistic pieces.

K: When I was doing my theatrical endeavors, we would crowdfund to raise money for the project. And if I do several shows a year and I’m turning around and asking my friends for money every two months…you feel like an asshole.

M: It’s not sustainable. I think it’s more about us saying how are we going to do this WITHOUT crowd-funding.

N: Now we have other projects that we’re hoping with help us build our coffers as a company, that will allow us to fund the more expensive projects.

M: Which will always be the web series.

N:  For instance, we sold The Hunted Soundtrack. What we said to everyone is that we didn’t crowdfund, we didn’t ask for your money. If you enjoyed the show, please spend $10 on the soundtrack.

M: One of the reasons we don’t want to crowdfund is that ONE watch of the show, no one’s gonna get anything out of it other than the single watch…I think the idea is that we want to have lasting content that people will be excited about and enjoy multiple times.

N: And selling the soundtrack helps us to monetize it a bit. So it’s available on iTunes and BandCamp. BandCamp is nice because it gives more money to the artist than the rest, they take a much smaller cut than Itunes does.

M: But also you can listen to us on Spotify and iTunes music, and we get some money from that too.

N: We also released a Christmas album. It was 11 tracks: 6 hymns and carols and then five original Christmas tunes written for a more contemporary sound. But yeah ultimately we just want to created multiple sources of income that can fund the one big project.

K: I love that concept. It’s like you’re really trying to move towards being a self-sustaining company instead of turning to your friends and being like…

N: Please pay me to be artistic. And listen…we aren’t a proven commodity yet. We didn’t want to ask for money if people didn’t know what we had to offer.

Recording At The Table

K: Let’s switch gears and talk about your At the Table podcast, the I had the pleasure…no JOY…of attending one of the recordings. The basic concept is setting it up like it’s a table read or first rehearsal of a new work?

M: Yeah, that’s a good entry point for it.

K: You really want it to feel like a cold read almost. Like no one is sitting around and studying up on it first.

M: Yes! Often we don’t tell the actors who they are going to play until they show up, so it’s a genuine cold read.

N: Our artistic director is a brilliant woman named Rachel Flynn and that concept came from her? How do we tell other people’s stories? We started checking out other podcasts to see what else was out there because we didn’t want to take on someone else’s concept. No one has done this type of cold read podcast.

K: Which blows my mind because the concept seems so obvious.

N: We went to Rachel, who is both a director and actress, and asked her if she was interested in helping us vet new plays and directing the reads and just basically being the point person with this project. Having a point person is so important because if we want to have as many diverse projects as we aspire to, we can’t be in charge of everything because nothing will get done. So we brought in Rachel to be the showrunner. We’ve done 3 plays so far. The first show was Parched by Dustin Sullivan. We recorded that with four actors in Marcus’ apartment and then we sound designed it, so it was very different from the one you saw.

K: So it’s almost like a radio play.

M: Yes. It will vary with each play and how we see best to present it.

N: What format fits the PLAY best.

M: Cause sometimes it’s really fun to do it live with an audience, sometimes it’s more fun to create an immersive listening experience. Honestly, we feel like there are no rules with this. We’re marching into new territory and just seeing what works.

N: We started to think about it because so many podcasts seem to be…informative? I hate that word, but it is…they tend to be based around non-fiction or criticism. We wanted to create narratives.

M: Or really, blend the non-fiction and the narrative.

N: We have these plays and then we pair each reading with an interview with the playwright. Every month it will be the play and then discussing it with the playwright.

K: And those are all separate episodes?

N: The play will be act based, episode wise.  The goal is, whether or not it works out because time is a thing, the first Monday of the first full week of a month will be a play. Two Mondays later, we release the interview with the playwright.

S: To wrap up, is there anything else you want to add?

N: If you’re a playwright, we’re always looking for At the Table submissions. We want all different genres, we’re looking for people writing for all different backgrounds. We really want to keep it diverse thematically. We’re looking for plays that people are shopping around to be produced because we feel like an audio recording is such a great marketing tool, you know? We’re not looking to own the play, we just want to put it out there. We are a full service audio/video production company. And we are actively looking for ways to create things that are new and exciting that no one expects.

M: We’re open to any sort of submission really.

N: If you have an idea, we’re willing to hash them out with you.

M: I feel like Charging Moose has two mission statements. One is how do we do cool shit with no budget? The other is telling cool stories, both our own and stories that our peers want to tell.

Since this interview, Charging Moose Media has released a total of 7 plays on their podcast available at and The Hunted: Encore has placed at many festivals, winning awards for Best Trailer and Best Soundtrack at the LA Webfest. Their second season releases on Halloween! Join the excitement on social media with #HereComeTheVampires

Rose Petals: Kim and Maggie Watch The Bachelorette Finale Wed, 09 Aug 2017 17:30:49 +0000

Posted by Kim and Maggie

Kim: I’m not ready for three hours of this. #TeamPeter
Maggie: Colin was walking in and stopped in his tracks when he saw my baffled face as Rachel said HER SOUL IS ENTWINED WITH ERIC’S. THAT IS A DAMN LIE, RACHEL.
Kim: We should have known we were in for it from that very moment.

Mmmmmm Oh my God, STOP FUCKIN LYING.

Maggie: It’s still so crazy to me we’re doing this live with a studio audience.
Kim: When Harrison at first was all “This is going to be totally different,” I thought”Okay, sure it will.” And then he brought out Rachel first thing and I was like “OH DAMN.”
Maggie: I take it Rachel being on stage is a big deal?
Kim: Yes. They have NEVER done it this way or had any sort of “live commentary” before.

Maggie: How is Robby going to maintain that coif in Paradise though? Never mind, he showered with his hair did, now I remember.
Kim: Ahahahahahahahaha.

Maggie: That Juan Pablo mention was random and weird or I just don’t know this world very well?
Kim: He was a “fan favorite” during Desiree’s season. They picked him to the be The Bachelor and he was AWFUL. Andi NOTORIOUSLY called him out for being self-centered and terrible after the Fantasy Suite and promptly dumped him (which cemented her being named as the next Bachelorette). He ALSO told his winner that “He liked her…a lot.” instead of proposing. He was a piece of work.
Maggie: This series has a lot of dumpster fires.

Me, re: this franchise

Kim: Speaking of a dumpster fire, we go right back to Rachel and Peter’s dinner before the fantasy suite. IF SHE CUTS HIM I AM TAPPING OUT.
Maggie: I don’t think I knew about her five-year relationship? That gives her reaction, and honestly her being on these shows, some needed context for me.
Kim: Yes, agree. The fact that she’s really been in this place with someone before says a lot. That said: You’re crying because you LOVE HIM THINK ABOUT IT RACHEL.

Maggie: I don’t think the commitment they each want is actually that different, it feels more like semantics? But at this point if he doesn’t propose, they’re breaking up.
Kim: Yep, yep. They are talking about the same things. SOMEONE is gonna have to give if they want this to go anywhere. I think he just wants to know that he’s THE ONE too. Like, I can’t IMAGINE proposing to someone if you don’t KNOW they are going to say yes. Who wants to put themselves out there like that?

Kim: “Maybe there will be clarity in the morning.” *After we do it*
Maggie: I like that he said he would take the key if she wanted him to because she was totally throwing the ball in his corner but that’s a decision he shouldn’t make on his own.

Kim: Shirtless post coital Peter thank yooooooooooou show.

Maggie: Kim, who do you think made the coffee and who made breakfast?
Kim: A VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION. I want to say Rachel made the coffee and Peter made breakfast shirtless. For reasons.
Maggie: “For reasons.”

Maggie: Peter doesn’t have a storyline reason for the not wanting to propose, right? It’s just that’s a normal person acting like these are normal circumstances?
Kim: Yep. This whole thing came a bit out of nowhere.

Kim: Ugh I forgot we still had Face Eater’s fantasy date. THE STRUCTURE OF THIS WHOLE THING IS SO OFF.
Maggie: UGH FACE EATER. He has a real Robby vibe now that I think of it, remember the blind confidence he had? Like he thought maybe Jojo had sent everyone else home before the last day? FINGERS CROSSED BRYAN LOSES AND ONLY GETS PARADISE AND NOT BACHELOR.
Kim: God, that’s the dream.

Maggie: Awkward because she’s thinking about Peter and not you? That checks out.
Kim: Peter messed with your mind??????????
Maggie: He’s the only one being real, he’s not playing mindgames or anything, but okay.

Kim: “I don’t know if you’re enjoying this but I truly am.” No, Chris Harrison, no one is enjoying this.

Maggie: She mostly just looks exhausted during this conversation with Bryan, I just want to take her home and give her a blanket and ice cream.
Kim: I just feel like her bullshit meter has maybe gone way up with him or am I caught in wishful thinking?

Maggie: Yeah, Bryan, it’s nothing to do with you, it’s just that she’s in love with Peter.
Kim: SHE IS.

Maggie: OH THIS IS HIS FANTASY SUITE DATE I cannot keep track of fucking anything
Kim: This Fantasy Suite episode has lasted for 84 years.

Maggie: “Thank you Chris.”
Kim: “Completely give myself to him too.”

Maggie: Side note: I hate the “journey comes to end” wording because of course getting engaged or married is the end and not the beginning. I mean, I get it, this is the part the show covers BUT THE POINT REMAINS.

Kim: “What tastes better than strawberry?” “You.” GAG ME.
Maggie: Bryan, eat your breakfast, not Rachel’s face.

Maggie: ROSE CEREMONYYYYYYYYYY let’s fucking go.
Kim: What is this crazy ass warrior princess look?
Maggie: I appreciate just how dramatic this music is.

Maggie: I like Bryan’s outfit and I’m really bummed out by that. I think Eric is pulling off the tee and blazer but that’s more a date look than rose ceremony, yes?
Kim: I think he knows he’s going home.
Kim: Godddddd.

Our Pavlovian response whenever blue suits are mentioned.

Kim: Peter gets the rose THANK GOD.
Maggie: I mean, we all knew she wasn’t going to cut Peter but goddamn if I don’t feel as relieved as if this were my own life.

Kim: Aw, Eric, so pure. I hope they become best friends.
Maggie: Eric was just never going to be the guy. I don’t want him to be sad, but like. He’s not the guy.

Kim: And now they are bringing Eric out on stage, so clearly they are just interspersing all the normal “After the Final Rose” bits here. THIS BEARD OMG.
Maggie: All Eric needed to seem like a man is facial hair and no tie, apparently.
Kim: He looks SO GOOD. Oh, Eric, we’ve come so far.

Maggie: They use the word clarify like a LOT.
Kim: Him asking Rachel if she’s happy is a lot.

Kim: I cannot abide by Harrison trash talking Peter.
Maggie: I missed this? Maybe I had a rage blackout?
Kim: He just kept being all “How did you feel going home when there’s a guy like Peter who isn’t even going to propose?” It was SO DISDAINFUL.

Us to Chris Harrison

Kim: Final date time and Bryan is crying over having to go in a hot air balloon cause he’s scared. Wah wah.
Maggie: The thing about Bryan and Rachel’s “relationship” is he’s been so fake and full of bullshit from the very first episode that there’s been no progression. Like okay, let’s say I buy for one second he loves her. Does he even like her? What does he know about her? What do they talk about aside from his love for her? Have they ever had a conversation like the one Rachel and Peter had about therapy?
Kim: He’s too busy spouting clichés to get to the deep things.

Kim: I HATE THE WHOLE GIVING HER GIFTS THING SO MUCH LIKE INTERNS FUCKING MAKE THOSE OKAY. Cause like MY ASS that is actually Face Eater’s Handwriting. Also they are FLYING through his final date and I am scared.

Kim: Time for Peter’s date. Face Eater gets a hot air balloon and Peter gets…a monastery.
Maggie: Okay, like enough churches and stuff, all right.
Kim: There must be literally nothing else to do in this area of Spain other than vineyards and churches.

Kim: This sweater matches his eyes and it’s a lot.
Maggie: Unpopular opinion that color was bad for his skintone.

Maggie: So do we think he came on the show just intending to further his modeling career and then got feelings and now he’s like oh fuck wait a minute? While Bryan came on the show to be on TV and has been play acting feelings from day one?
Kim: I don’t know, I’m so confused about things. All I know is that Reality Steve has some very not nice things to say about Peter and nothing adds up with how he’s been portrayed on the show? Maybe they ARE setting him up for The Bachelor? I’m so upset.

Kim: I’m just going to leave this here.

Kim: He’s talking about the future with her, set me on fire. I DON’T WANT TO STOP BEING WITH YOU like he’s SAYING HE WANTS YOU JFC.

Maggie: Kim mentioned that Sage said at some point that Rachel should consider why she gets so upset about Peter not proposing and it’s because Peter is the one she’s in love with and that’s what we’re seeing with this can’t say goodbye, tears streaming down their faces scene.
Kim: I mean she is coming from a VERY real place here with the marriage thing. BUT HIM BEING LIKE I HAVE THE RIGHT TO ONLY WANT TO PROPOSE ONCE IN MY LIFE IT IS A LOT LIKE HE DOESNT WANT SOME FAKE ASS FOR CAMERAS PROPOSAL ONLY TO BREAK UP 2 MONTHS LATER. Like I get where he’s coming from so much, even if it is mildly ridiculous that he went on this show in the FIRST place if he only wants to propose once.

Kim: “Go find someone to have a mediocre life with” is perhaps one of the best burns I have EVER seen on this show.

Louis agrees.


Kim: Wait a goddamn minute. Why are Rachel and Peter talking NOW? There’s still an hour left.
Maggie: So this means that Bryan proposes and she says no, right? Right??
Kim: THIS IS BULLSHIT. I want to believe that they are going for a dramatic turnaround here but also Peter and Rachel aren’t that good of actors and then awkwardness here is PALPABLE. Oh my God.

Maggie: “I cried my eyelashes off.” THAT’S HOW YOU KNOW, GIRL.
Kim: *sings* That’s how you knooooooooooooow.

Maggie: Tag yourself, I’m the girl in the audience nodding emphatically when Rachel says this process just isn’t for Peter.
Kim: I’m the rest of the audience sitting there in SHOCK. I can only yell on Twitter right now, I’m so mad. I can’t believe we’re going to devote the whole last 45 minutes to Face Eater getting his happy ending. ALSO NO ONE CARES ANYMORE.

Maggie: CHRIS HARRISON SAID INFER WHEN HE MEANT IMPLY. I usually don’t police that kind of thing but I hate his smarmy ass.
Kim: Meanwhile, Peter just wants to get the fuck off this stage.

Maggie: I think he feels attacked because this setting presupposes that Rachel is right and he is wrong.
Kim: How DARE he not want to propose to someone he’s known for six weeks.

Kim: There has GOT to be a twist to this, right? RIGHT?
Maggie: What if the twist is Blake K. showing up in Spain and proposing?

Anything other than what’s happening.

Kim: Bryan visits with Neil Lane and picks out an UGLY ASS PEAR SHAPED DIAMOND. PEAR SHAPED. PEARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR SHAPPPPPPPED. Carrie Bradshaw and I are united on this issue.

Maggie: The wind is so bad because God is mad.
Kim: *Blah blah blah* *Blah blah blah in Spanish* *Blah blah blah*

Kim: Her SCREECH when she sees the ring.
Maggie: CONGRATS ON SETTLING. I mean, it’s not like they’re actually going to get married, but still. The settling rankles. Especially with someone like Rachel — she’s smart, savvy, accomplished, personable but guess what? None of that matters without a ring on her finger.
Kim: It’s the WAY she reacted to the diamond, Maggie. The screaming, the “Give it to me!” I’m so grossed out, I need a shower.
Maggie: I feel like Rachel is ultimately the worst Bachelorette to me. Like she tricked us.
Kim: Yes! I FELT BETRAYED BY HER REACTION TO THE RING. (That UGLY ASS PEAR SHAPED DIAMOND RING, MAGGIE.) Just…it was like the lowest common denominator reaction. How fitting that Rachel becomes a cliché when she gets engaged to a man who speaks in them.

Maggie: I love how you gave up and hit send with your notes at 10:43 p.m.

Kim: I’m certain that she has.

Maggie: By the way, isn’t Bryan like 37? If one of The Bachelor contestants was 37 and had never been married, that would have been her whole storyline.
Kim: AGES AGO they had a Bachelor who was in his mid 40s and all the women were “older”. And by “older,” I mean mid-30s. It was very low-rated, so they’ve never looked back, age-wise.

Maggie: OH maybe L.A., Bryan? Why’s that??
Kim: *waits for Rachel to be announced as part of the Dancing With The Stars cast*

Maggie: Like all her talk about keeping things honest etc etc etc and yet she didn’t eliminate Lee right away, she kept Blake and Whaboom for drama, SHE WAS COMPLICIT IN THE EXPLOITATION THAT WAS DEAN’S HOMETOWN VISIT. That was the turning point for me with her, honestly.

Maggie: ESPOSA IS ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW goddddddddd this is annoying.
Maggie: “When did you know?” WHEN PETER WOULDN’T PROPOSE.
Kim: Honestly. Fuck this. I’m out.

Apt use of this.
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The Winners of the Fourth Annual Feelies! Mon, 07 Aug 2017 13:15:59 +0000

Posted by Kim and Sage

My favorite thing about the Feelies every year is watching how every race plays out over the course of voting. Sometimes a favorite emerges right away and the race is pretty much over from the moment it started. (See this year’s Best Actress in a Comedy race; she never was not in first place.) Sometimes it’s a category where the lead see-saws between two or three people the whole time with the winner just barely claiming victory. (That would be both the Supporting Actress races.) SOMETIMES a category is so close that the percentages among all the nominees are so even that any one of them has a shot at victory. (Best Actor in a Comedy was LIT this year.) The best compliment that Sage and I can hear from you guys is that it is IMPOSSIBLE for you to choose a winner. That’s how we know we’ve done a good job.

But choose you did. And we’re so proud of the choices. Let’s get to it shall we?

(Note to the winners: We don’t have a budget for trophies, but we DO have a budget for boozy brunch if you ever want to collect on that the next time you’re in New York.) — Kim

Best Comedy: Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

It’s like Crazy Ex-Girlfriend was designed in a lab, just for us. A bizarro-romantic comedy with enough heart to balance its wicked and dark humor. Show-stopping musical numbers that had us humming for days. A cast of stone-cold weirdos, each and every one a find. And the vision of Rachel Bloom and co-creator Aline Brosh McKenna driving the whole thing with zany, feminist energy. I can’t think of a comedy on the air right now that packs as much into each individual episode, and Patti LuPone was right (because she’s PATTI LUPONE): no one understands incorporating original music into a narrative like Bloom. If you’re not watching it – WHY? Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is a one-stop shop for Spice Girls homages, “too much” women who are trying to deal with their shit, TV’s best depiction of male bisexuality, and sooooo much bubble tea. It’s also brave as hell, just like Rebecca Bunch. –Sage

Best Actress in a Comedy: Rachel Bloom, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

Any list of nominations that doesn’t include this woman is, sorry Emmys, immediately invalidated. And obviously, you guys agree. Rebecca Bunch is one of the most fascinating characters in comedy right now, period. Scared, selfish, vulnerable, and unstoppable Rebecca wrestled with even darker demons this year, burying her deep fear that she was born unlovable in her relationship with Josh. Then Greg. Then Josh again. Then maybe Nathaniel? (Next year? LADY VENGEANCE.) It takes so much talent and discipline to play someone this off the rails, let alone run the whole show while you’re doing it. Bloom has courage and commitment to spare; she isn’t afraid of the audience seeing which parts of Rebecca are her, making all of us the stronger for it. –Sage

Best Actor in a Comedy: Ted Danson, The Good Place AND Marc Maron, GLOW

For 95% of season one of The Good Place, Ted Danson’s Michael was a bit of a lovable buffoon. Nothing could ever quite go right for Michael as he tried to maintain the integrity of the very first neighborhood he’s ever been in charge of. Danson brought his signature charm and impeccable timing to the role and the whole season my main reaction to him fell along the lines of “Aw, isn’t it great to have him back on TV again?” AND THEN. AND THENNNNNNNN with a single smirk, Ted Danson proved why he’s a comedy legend/icon/superstar/every superlative on the planet. Honestly, I would give him an Emmy JUST for the moment that Michael let the whole adorable doofus act drop so he could reveal his true self. The twist of The Good Place would have knocked anyone on their asses ANYWAY but to go back and look at Ted Danson through the lens of him being evil the whole time? The performance is fucking GENIUS. — Kim

Marc Maron has made a career of making his own baggage a part of the act, but GLOW ought to school anyone who assumed he could only play himself. Sam Sylvia walks the line between desperate mercenary and reluctant high school counselor – a rumpled svengali who makes empty promises about how these women will be fulfilled by doing this back-alley job and then actually helps them get there. From Gordon Bombay to Morris Buttermaker (and as Kim pointed out in the voting post, Jimmy Dugan), the shoddy and indifferent coach is an American archetype. In his aviators and dusty leather jacket, Maron plays Sam to perfection, with weary sarcasm and unexpected wisdom. Even when he accidentally tries to make out with his daughter, you can’t help but give him a pass. –Sage

Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy: Donna Lynne Champlin, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

Ladies and Gents, Donna Lynne Champlin is now a two-time Feelies Champion for Best Supporting Actress in a comedy and based on her work in season two of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, it’s easy to see why. Paula was mainly Rebecca’s partner in crime throughout the first season, but the second season saw the writers handing meatier material. Her unplanned pregnancy and subsequent abortion. Her decision to pursue her dreams of going to law school. The problems in her marriage. The PAINFUL way she and Rebecca fell out of step for a while, showing that this female friendship is the TRUE OTP of the show. (Seriously, when they were broken up, I yelled at the TV almost every episode for them to just WORK IT OUT.) Donna Lynne took that material and RAN with it, giving us one of the most heartfelt and complex and FUNNIEST performances of the year. Plus, the woman can sing the shit out of every single musical genre they give her, from Disney Princess ballad to a Heart-esque banger. We’re so lucky to have her. — Kim

Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy: Tituss Burgess, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Tituss Burgess takes Titus Andromendon more seriously than you do. And that’s why he works. The expertise in his performance is that, while Titus’s emotions may be more extreme than most people you know IRL, every comedic choice is 100% character-driven. And in Titus’s mind, a heartbreak isn’t mourned with a pint of ice cream. No, it deserves nothing less than an almost shot-for-shot remake of Beyonce’s groundbreaking visual album, Lemonade.

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt may not have generated as much conversation this season as it has in the past, but clearly you guys were still feeling the show’s resident drama queen and truth teller. And the diva would expect nothing less. –Sage

Best Drama: Big Little Lies

Listen. We were in the moment we found out that Reese Witherspoon, Nicole Kidman, Laura Dern, Shailene Woodley, and Zoe Kravitz would be sharing a screen. Big Little Lies is HBO at its HBOiest. A buzzy novel. A cast of Oscar winning and nominated MOVIE STARS in their primes playing suburban mothers. A picturesque setting and an overarching mystery. The only thing it had to do was deliver. And boy, did it ever. What amazes me the most about Big Little Lies is how it seamlessly blends so many genres. It’s a murder mystery. It’s a wickedly dark comedy where Reese Witherspoon and Laura Dern try to out Alpha Mom each other. It’s women being deliciously bitchy over an afternoon glass of wine. It’s a feminist exploration of how women can often lose their sense of self in this whole motherhood thing. It’s about women grappling with the trauma of rape and abuse. It’s about the power of female friendship and women supporting each other. It’s everything…and the fact that this ensemble of powerhouses worked TOGETHER to help each other shine makes it even better. No one tries to pull focus. Every single woman gets her moment in the sun. It’s a beautiful thing to watch…and it’s WHY we all are clamoring for a season two. (And it’s exactly why we shouldn’t have it.) — Kim

Best Actress in a Drama: Nicole Kidman, Big Little Lies

I’m all for Nicole Kidman appreciation, but DON’T CALL IT A COMEBACK, my friends. She’s always been superb. As the Monterrey housewife in the most precarious situation (and that’s saying something), Kidman brought her signature luminosity plus a long-suffering resignation and an inextinguishable cunning to the HBO miniseries. Abuse stories are rarely presented with the psychological complexity that Celeste’s marriage was granted in Big Little Lies. And though she was being gaslit and brutalized by the father of her children, Kidman’s character – due to her compassionate and steely work – could never be called a victim. –Sage

Best Actor in a Drama: Sterling K. Brown, This Is Us

There’s very little I can say about Sterling K. Brown that I haven’t said before. He is the heart and the soul and the grounding force of This Is Us. It’s my favorite male performance on all of television in the past year. I’m excited to see what he does every time I tune in. Because the thing with Sterling is that it NEVER feels like he’s acting, you know? I never see the seams or the obvious character work that Sterling has put into his portrayal of Randall Pearson. I just see Randall. I see his sly sense of humor and his delightful dad jokes and his penchant for snuggly sweaters. I see the passionate love and steady partnership with his wife. I see his devotion to his girls. I see the man struggling with his identity as he forges a relationship with his biological father and I see the way that relationship changes him. I see the deep well of pain he struggles with when it comes to the betrayal of his mother. I see the complicated sibling relationships. I see the crippling anxiety and I see the weight of the world come off his shoulders when he finally decides to just LET GO. I just see Randall and I’m in awe of him. And honestly, I think that’s the best compliment I can give.  — Kim

Best Supporting Actress in a Drama: Michelle Gomez, Doctor Who

This one came down to the wire, but in true Missy-like fashion, Michelle Gomez stole this category from Laura Dern by ONE VOTE. (Poll: In a cage match, who would win? Missy or Renata Klein? I DON’T KNOW.) We have loved Michelle’s maniacal Master for three series of Doctor Who. Hell, she scored a spot in our Best Performances of 2015 post JUST for her appearance in two episodes. So why now? Why did we nominate her for Supporting Actress THIS year? The answer is simple: Michelle’s expanded screen time in Series 10 allowed her to explore new layers to Missy. Sure, she was still the same wise cracking rapid fire Queen of One Liners that we’ve always loved. But we also saw Missy be vulnerable with the Doctor. We saw her exploring concepts like remorse and empathy. We saw her struggle in the face of her former self. And we ultimately saw her choose the Doctor. Without hope, without reward, without witness. I’ll never be over it. — Kim

Best Supporting Actor in a Drama: Ron Cephas Jones, This Is Us

Between Mr. RobotLuke Cage, and This Is Us, it was some kinda year for Ron Cephas Jones. And you know we love it when a character actor gets to shine. Cephas Jones didn’t have an easy job in This Is Us, playing the biological father who Randall never knew. There was always a chance – especially with the show’s air-on-the-side-of-schmaltzy writing – that William could have been TOO magic, TOO perfect – a blessing that blew into Randall’s life carrying nary a flaw. But William was so much more than a kind, sick old man. He was actively in the process of letting go of resentment, and Cephas Jones granted us the privilege of seeing that strain. He was literary and FUNNY and secret loves hidden in his back pocket. And he had a gorgeous chemistry with our Lead Actor winning, as Randall and William took turns being the paternal one. God bless the art of the flashback for keeping him with us. –Sage

Best Shipper Moment: “Time for us to be friends again.” – Doctor Who

YOU BEAUTIFUL BASTARDS, YOU DID IT. You voted Missy and the Doctor your favorite shipper moment of the year and I’m so, so proud of you.

Look. They’re in love. The Master and the Doctor have been in love for as long as they’ve both been around, hence the 1000+ year long hair-pulling competition. There’s always been an element of the Time Lords’ relationship that’s been sexually charged, but Series 10 brought out a new element: regret, and a little bit of romance. We spent half of the series waiting for the other shoe to drop – for Missy to expose her REAL, evil intentions. But she never did. Here, in this moment, where she steps towards the Doctor and reaches out for him with tears in her eyes, she was speaking from her hearts. She wanted to be good, finally, for him. And he was SO AFRAID to let himself believe her, but he gave her the chance anyway. Because all they’ve ever wanted – over centuries, through regenerations, and across galaxies – is to finally be in synch with one another. So. Close. –Sage

Best Warm Fuzzy: “Still pretty.” – Stranger Things

Like Cher Horowitz, my greatest thrill in life is a makeover. The boys giving Eleven her blonde hair and pink dress and a smattering of make-up was heartwarming ALREADY, especially in the way they are all clearly bowled over when she walks out. (Also Millie Bobby Brown says more with her face and the quietly uttered “Pretty” than many adults do with a Shakespearean soliloquies.)

The payoff for the makeover moment comes at the start of episode seven. Mike takes Eleven home after she saved Mike and the boys from Troy. She looks at her close cropped brown hair in the mirror, tears in her giant eyes. (THIS CHILD Y’ALL.) You can tell in that moment that Eleven is judging herself, that she’s longing for the comfort of her wig. “You don’t need it,” Mike says softly. “Still pretty?” She asks softly. “Yeah,” Mike says eagerly. “Really pretty.” AND THEN OUR HEARTS (And yours, judging by the wide margin this one won by) EXPLODED WITH THE WARM FUZZIES. — Kim

Best Right in the Feels Moment: William’s death, This Is Us

I knew it was coming, but I still wasn’t ready. The entire “Memphis” episode of This Is Us was an exquisite play anchored by two soulful actors. On the verge of his death, William wanted to show Randall his life (and thank Jack for giving Randall his). We should all be so lucky to have a second chance to let that one person in and to make ourselves understood. William and Randall both made the most of it. Their father/son relationship may not have had the years in it that either would have liked, but they found a more profound connection than most parents and children could ever hope for. –Sage

YAS QUEEN! Moment: Jodie Whittaker is the Doctor, Doctor Who

This is one for the history books. And not trolls nor The Sun nor the painful scrutiny 13 is going to be subjected to throughout her tenure can dull that shine. That’s my Doctor, right there. And like it or not, she’s yours too. –Sage

Best WHAT THE FUCK?! Moment: It’s the Bad Place, The Good Place

I DON’T KNOW HOW THE FUCK WE DIDN’T SEE THIS COMING. (Seriously, give Danson an Emmy for this moment.) — Kim

Thanks as always for your votes and campaigns! Discuss your feelings on the winners in the comments!

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Rose Petals: Kim and Maggie Watch The Bachelorette – The Men Tell All Fri, 04 Aug 2017 14:26:24 +0000

Posted by Kim and Maggie

Maggie: I hate Chris Harrison, I can’t believe we’re about to spend two hours with him.
Kim: He’s gotta earn his paycheck somewhere, Maggie. We’ll be seeing a lot of him between this week and After the Final Rose next week. I am not excited.

Maggie: I don’t remember a long most memorable montage from last season’s Men Tell All, does this mean they need to fill time?
Kim: I think we USUALLY get a big promo for Bachelor in Paradise here. OR they do a whole trot out one of the happy couples from previous seasons kind of thing. Makes me hope that there is trouble in paradise for Nick and Vanessa, which makes me happy because Nick Viall deserves nothing happy in his life.

Us to Nick.

Kim: Oh man, I wish you had been watching back in the days of Kasey. His whole “I want to guard and protect your heart” schtick would have driven you INSANE.
Maggie: EW WAIT I FEEL LIKE YOU MIGHT HAVE MENTIONED THAT AT SOME POINT. That rings the most enraging bell.
Kim: No, your head would have exploded. HE GOT A GUARD AND PROTECT YOUR HEART TATTOO.
Maggie: The fuck?
Maggie: I HAAAAAAATE the guys who act like they need to look out for the girl, girls can handle their shit okay.

Maggie: I’M SORRY is a guy from a previous season actually explaining and apologizing for having a friendship with another guy on the show???
Kim: Oh Maggie that bromance (she says begrudgingly because just call it friendship but that’s what the show went with) got so much flack. I mean they WERE obsessed with each other, but there is so much gay panic within this franchise.
Maggie: Honestly two of the male contestants falling in love would make this show so much more enjoyable for me. But guys be friends, what the hell? Like let them.

Maggie: Jamey??
Kim: Who?
Maggie: Diggy, MY MAN.
Kim: Looking dapper as usual.
Maggie: Iggy with the Payne Chain.
Kim: I love that we both wrote “Payne Chain” in our notes.

Maggie: Anthony, zzzzz
Kim: Anthony is like WTF am I doing with my life?
Kim: Honestly, saying you forgot him is like the best insult you can deliver to him.
Maggie: Fred the Third Grader as he will forever be known to me.
Kim: Same, thanks to you.
Maggie: Even mocking Whaboom can’t endear DeMario to me.

Kim: I’m actually very sad he got sent home so early, just because of his fashion sense.
Maggie: Tickle Monster, noooooooooooooo
Maggie: Lee, hard pass — and my main problem with watching tonight, we dealt with this already, MUST WE AGAIN?
Kim: What she said.
Maggie: Jack Stone? Who? And why the last name?
Maggie: That tracks. Okay, Josiah, no thank you
Kim: Why didn’t he bring his trophy.
Maggie: Will, eh.
Kim: Yawn.
Maggie: Matt, WHO?
Maggie: Kenny, <3
Maggie: Adam, I know Adam Jr. is lurking.
Kim: Don’t.
Kim: AS HE SHOULD HAVE. HE GOT DONE WRONG BY THIS SHOW. (Okay the screams from the audience would indicate Dean clearly has to be in the running for The Bachelor but I’m scared for what that would mean for his family visits. I still stand by my assertion that it’s going to be Bryan.)

Give it up for Dean.

Maggie: Okay but all of this praising Rachel is reminding me of her asshole brother-in-law starting a conversation with let’s talk about what’s wrong with her.
Kim: Ugh, I had blocked that out.

Maggie: I know, Blake, I can’t believe Whaboom made a joke out of this experience for you. TRAGIC.
Kim: Shut up and kiss him already, Blake.

Whaboom to Blake.

Maggie: I CANNOT LOOK AWAY FROM THE SCRUNCHIE AROUND THAT GIRL’S WRIST. I’m what’s wrong with feminism, I’m sorry.
Kim: A) Bitch, I know you read this article. B) I CAN ONLY SEE THE SCRUNCHIE NOW TOO.

Maggie: “I text everybody.” What a defense, DeMario.
Kim: That’s called a “side chick.” Listen. This guy is a piece of garbage. He’s CALLING FOR RECEIPTS I CAN’T BELIEVE IT.
Kim: Honestly, when Scrunchie first showed up, I totally was like they are manipulating this and it’s fake. After what went down in Paradise, I 100% am on Scrunchie’s side and hope she is posting flyers around the world, Samantha Jones style.


Maggie: Iggy mattered like not at all to this competition EVEN WITH ALL THE POT STIRRING, it’s almost impressive.
Kim: Also impressive? Josiah’s eye-roll at Iggy.
Maggie: I personally fucking love that Whaboom called Iggy a joke.

Actual footage of Josiah.

Maggie: I. LOVE. DEAN. Telling the producer “you know what I mean” and all in his baby Harry blouse.
Kim: QUITE POSSIBLY ONE OF MY FAVE MOMENTS OF THE SEASON. That’s also when we fell in love with him. ALSO Dean basically just said this: “ERRYONE LOVED KENNY AND LEE IS A FUCKING RACIST.” Bless that little sprite.
Maggie: I fucking love Kenny, he’s so classy.
Kim: SERIOUSLY. (Also I hope he runs far far away from this Franchise. I never want to see him on Paradise because I need him to stay pure.)

Maggie: If this were a Housewives reunion, we wouldn’t get to Kenny and Lee until the third reunion episode, just putting that out there.

Maggie: “Being in the middle of it, it didn’t feel like racism. Racism feels a certain way, it’s insidious, there’s visceral to it. As I was trying to make sense of it, trying to figure out what’s going on, it really just felt to me like okay this dude’s out of his league. He’s not really on the same level as most of the dudes that are here. To me, it was very reactionary. It was a situation where somebody’s like ‘oh man, I’m in over my head so I gotta do something, I gotta attach myself, I gotta latch onto somebody'” OKAY I TRIED TO TRANSCRIBE KENNY’S WHOLE SPEECH BUT IT’S SO MUCH.
Kim: SO MUCH. He’s so eloquent. And it’s TRUE. Lee is NOT on the same level.

Maggie: OMFG Kenny’s Lee impression
Kim: AHAHAHAHAHAHA It’s amazing. I am glad that Kenny ALSO thinks Lee is a typical Southern Villain.

It Lee.

Maggie: YOU CAN ONLY GET PUSHED TOO FAR thiiiiiiiiis

Kim: My new favorite thing about this episode? Kenny openly calling bullshit on Lee’s “apologies.”
Maggie: I’m so annoyed at Lee’s strategy of being calm and giving fake apologies.
Kim: IT’S ALL SO FAKE. He’s reading lines off a script and he doesn’t mean ANY of it.

Kim: Kenny and his daughter is a lot. LOOK AT THAT LITTLE POPPET.
Maggie: Oh it was a SURPRISE, I was just like didn’t he just see her backstage, damn.

Kim: Ugh, here we go with Lee.
Kim: “You were looking to screw with other dudes.” “I wasn’t as considerate as I could be.” WHO WROTE THIS SCRIPT, I DEMAND A REWRITE.

Maggie: OOH ANTHONY GET IN THERE YES guys this is how frustrating it is to deal with Lee, Anthony is talking.

Kim: Lee literally is saying nothing coherent.
Kim: Listen. I don’t get why you go on television and DON’T SCRUB YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA. Unless you WANT it found. And Dean is like “You waited until you were on TV to apologize.” AND IT’S SO TRUE. This is performance art.
Maggie: Listen, if your tweet makes CHRIS HARRISON feel dirty, you’re dirty.

Maggie: Okay, I love Josiah for that question.
Kim: I mean he shouldn’t have to do this but this is ALSO FIRE.

Kim: No one cares about you anxiety, Lee.
Maggie: A YEAR AND NINE DAYS DEMARIO WITH THE RECEIPTS I mean I know the tweet was dated on screen but you KNOW he had that locked and loaded.
Kim: To think that DeMario was defending him not twenty minutes ago.
Maggie: And it’s not DeMario’s job to educate you Lee, BY THE WAYYYYY.
Kim: That is my WHOLE issue with this thing. I mean it’s amazing to watch, but they shouldn’t have to do this.

Kim: Will is killing Lee with his EYES.
Maggie: ANTHONYYYYYYYYYYYY. I’m so sorry he had to go on that lame horse date in Beverly Hills, he did not deserve to be there when the horse shit in the high-end store.
Kim: HE DID NOT. Also he used a lot of big words and Lee is confused.

Maggie: I love how Dean in the background STILL isn’t buying it because ME NEITHER. (I feel like there was a time that I didn’t love Dean but I don’t remember it.)

Actual footage of Dean.

Kim: I can’t watch this, can’t we all just pretend his hometown date never happened?

Maggie: “Raw and real” sure, okay but I think you meant “exploitative.”
Kim: I have put up with a LOT of shit on this show and Dean’s hometown is on a completely different level. There’s a reason we didn’t recap that episode.
Maggie: I feel bad he has to defend the show basically, he’s such a classy cupcake.

Maggie: I cannot do Paradise but I wish Dean well there? I guess?
Quite frankly, I’m a little scared for him. Or for me really, because I don’t want the show to ruin him for me.

Maggie: Did Rachel just call Chris Harrison her fairy godmother because I need help reacting to something.
Kim: SHE DID. (Also she almost tripped, which is so endearing.)

Kim: I always hate when like they make them have awkward post break-up talks on camera because like honestly, dean isn’t crying over her every night.


Maggie: That “Who?” delivery was flawless.
IT WAS. I’m going to miss her sass.

Maggie: I’ve hit the wall on the Lee (and Kenny) stuff, I can’t absorb anymore, sorry.
Kim: Her being all ” I will give you a history lesson” I love it but AGAIN she shouldn’t have to, it’s not her job. WHY ARE WE GIVING HIM SO MUCH TIMEEEEE.

Kim: Chris Harrison is so smug with this whole thing like “Congrats, America, we cured a racist.” You didn’t.
Maggie: YOU DIDN’T.

Maggie: Oh my godddd it’s too late, I don’t care about the Adam and Matt of it all anymore.
Kim: However, I DO appreciate Rachel calling out the editing. Where is all my footage of Diggy?

Maggie: Please, Fred, don’t talk about Rachel the Eighth Grader.
Kim: Rachel has no time for the third grader.


Kim: BLOOPERS. My fave. Rachel falling down all the time is AMAZING.

Kim: Josiah eating ALL THE THINGS. Josiah is me.
Maggie: Oh, man, I guess Josiah IS relatable.

Kim: SPA NIGHT OMG. And see…I would enjoy this show so much more if they showed more of this shit and less of the manufactured drama.
Maggie: YES.

Kim: PS I miss Peter.
Maggie: Sorry, guys, I zoned out when we got to scenes from next week, I’ll be there for all a hundred hours of it then.

WHO WILL RACHEL PICK? Tune in next week to see! In the meantime, share your thoughts in the comments.

Vote for the Fourth Annual Feelies! Mon, 31 Jul 2017 12:00:57 +0000

Posted by Kim and Sage

It’s that time of year, you guys! The Emmy Nominations were announced earlier this month, and while there were many things we were happy about, inevitably we were left screaming into the void about how so many brilliant performances were ignored. Never fear, dear readers, the Fourth Annual Feelies are here to right the wrongs of the Emmys. Sure, many of our nominees are on the Emmy list because some performances are indisputable in their merit. But we also want to shine a light on the unsung heroes of the television season and give those performances the recognition they deserve.

We may pick the nominees, but the winners are in YOUR hands. Vote with your hearts, people. Campaign for your favorites and rally your respective fandoms. You can vote once an hour and the polls will close at 10 AM on Saturday, August 5th. Go forth and crown your champions!

Best Comedy

Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
The Good Place
Jane the Virgin

Sage: Crazy Ex-Girlfriend blew up its entire premise at the end of an excellent Season 2, meaning that the entire madcap series has been operating on more levels than Rebecca Bunch has neuroses the ENTIRE TIME. As CXG inched towards that literal and metaphorical cliff, it hit us with bravely human and feminist storytelling (Paula’s abortion), transcendent musical parody (the dinosaur drug ballet, plus everything else), and a healthy dose of “Period Sex.” Things were not what they seemed in The Good Placeanother Mike Schur triumph, though any locale that’s home to as many philosophy jokes as fart jokes is so fine by me. And the showrunner kept things motoring smoothly on Brooklyn Nine-Ninereliably funny and good-hearted. The more we get to know the characters, the more organic that comedy feels, and the harder those signature cliffhangers hit.

Kim: There was clearly something in the water over at the CW this season because two-time Feelies champ Jane the Virgin completely blew its premise up in Season 3; first with Jane FINALLY giving her flower to Michael, and second when Michael DIED in the middle of the season and they fast-forwarded three years. It was a BOLD move and one that not many shows would be able to pull off, but JTV kept its heart and humor intact, even when it took our heroine to the darkest of places. GLOW was everything we wanted it to be and more: a fabulous and diverse ensemble of ladies, Marc Maron rocking a fabulous ‘stache, and complicated female friendships being worked out through kicking each other’s asses in the wrestling ring. The kick-ass 80’s setting is just a bonus. *Bangs pots and pans* SPEECHLESS IS A GIFT. The family sitcom can often straddle the line of being too saccharine and feel-good; the fact that Speechless centers around a family with a special needs child ups the potential of every episode feeling like an after-school special. But Speechless never goes there; it unflinchingly pokes fun at but never MAKES FUN of or coddles JJ. The ensemble is seamless, proving all season that any combination of characters works. Why aren’t you all watching?


Best Drama

American Gods
Big Little Lies
The Crown
Doctor Who
The Handmaid’s Tale
Stranger Things
This Is Us

Kim: We’re suckers for lavish British period dramas, but what makes The Crown so good is that it takes stories we know the endings to and makes them feel real and immediate. The Royal Family IS a living soap opera but The Crown humanizes them while also shining a light on JUST how fierce a woman Queen Elizabeth II is as she navigates a world where The Men are used to running things and not taking orders from a woman. Big Little Lies could have easily presented the moms of Monterrey as Stepford-y one-dimensional caricatures where friendships turn on a dime and everyone bitches about each other behind their backs. Instead, it presented fully-rounded women who were ferocious in their devotion to each other and never judged each other, no matter what horrible situations they found themselves in. It’s a thrilling ensemble of some of our best actresses, and what makes it so magical is that they worked together as opposed to trying to outshine each other. This Is Us fills the family drama void that was left when Parenthood went off the air. It’s shamelessly sentimental and often emotionally manipulative but it works because of its stellar ensemble and the way they ground their characters in the reality of their world.

Sage: If anyone but Bryan Fuller had been at the helm, I would have had a lot to fear about the TV adaptation of one of my favorite novels of all time. But American Gods has all the reverence and panache of Hannibal, plus another gorgeously talented cast of actors. Sometimes it’s a dream, sometimes it’s a nightmare — but the uncensored tribute to Neil Gaiman’s work is always a poetic, visual feast. Peter Capaldi’s last series of Doctor Who introduced a self-aware and winning queer companion of color, pointedly showed Trumpers and Bexiters who really runs the galaxy, and gave Michelle Gomez’s tour-de-force Missy the send-off she deserved. Life imitated art which imitated life again in Hulu’s unflinching adaptation of Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale. The terror and exhaustion are real, but Offred’s defiance communicates to the resistance that we too can survive this Gilead of our own making. And Stranger Things hit all the right buttons with its nostalgic af monster-mania. Kids of all ages raised by King and Spielberg ate up the upside down and welcomed Winona back to their screens with open arms.


Best Actress in a Comedy

Kristen Bell as Eleanor Shellstrop, The Good Place
Rachel Bloom as Rebecca Bunch, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
Alison Brie as Ruth Wilder, GLOW

Minnie Driver as Maya DiMeo, Speechless
Ellie Kemper as Kimmy Schmidt, The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
Gina Rodriguez as Jane Villanueva, Jane the Virgin

Sage: Alison Brie is the girl you call when you need someone to play an overachiever with a healthy dose of imposter syndrome. (See: Annie Edison.) GLOW‘s Ruth comes to accept her villainous alter-ego when she realizes that being liked isn’t as good as being fucking awesome, and Alison’s portrayal (plus a Russian accent that KILLED ME EVERY TIME) sets the tone for the rest of the ensemble. On Unbreakable Kimmy SchmidtEllie Kemper has the difficult duty of communicating Kimmy’s growth while keeping her recognizably innocent, quirky, and weird. It’s not easy to show forward motion in such an absurd sitcom, but Ellie manages beautifully. And what can I say about Gina Rodriguez that I haven’t said already? Jane The Virgin faced her toughest year yet, but Gina’s sunshine-y self helped fans see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Kim: We say it all the time but Rachel Bloom is giving the most ferocious and BOLDEST comic performance on television and it’s CRIMINAL this woman isn’t being showered with all the awards. Rebecca Bunch is a piece of work; she’s neurotic, she’s selfish, she’s needy, and she’s incredibly insecure. Bloom never shies away from the “bad” facets of Rebecca’s personality, in fact, they are the very foundation of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend and they are why we root for Rebecca in the first place…because she is us. Kristen Bell brings the perfect amount of acerbic wit to The Good Place‘s resident anti-heroine Eleanor Shellstrop. She’s such a contradiction with her sunny disposition and her wicked tongue. I don’t think there is any other actress on TV who could deliver “That’s bullshirt” with the same conviction. Minnie Driver‘s Maya DiMeo is the kind of role that should be awards bait. Maya is an unapologetic Mama Bear and Alpha Woman who is unflinching in her devotion to her family. Minnie perfectly balances Maya’s overbearing nature with her giant heart, making Maya someone you would always want in your corner. We’re so lucky to have her.


Best Actress in a Drama

Carrie Coon as Gloria Burgle, Fargo
Claire Foy as Queen Elizabeth II, The Crown
Nicole Kidman as Celeste Wright, Big Little Lies
Pearl Mackie as Bill Potts, Doctor Who
Elisabeth Moss as Offred, The Handmaid’s Tale
Kerry Washington as Olivia Pope, Scandal
Reese Witherspoon as Madeline MacKenzie, Big Little Lies

Kim: Kerry Washington has always delivered as Olivia Pope on Scandal but took her to new heights this season as Olivia got that much closer to her dream of running the White House. I can only compare her journey this season to that of Walter White. She is Icarus…and she’s flying really close to the sun. Elisabeth Moss‘s Offred is a woman of few words but she says so much. It’s such a complex and layered performance and she does more with just her eyes and her sly smiles than many actresses do with pages and pages of dialogue. She is defiant and she is full of despair at the same time; she is beaten down but never broken. It’s such a subtle performance but it is also one that shouts from the rooftops. Claire Foy is the embodiment of the British Stiff Upper Lip. Her Elizabeth carries the weight of her kingdom on her shoulders and Claire is so good at portraying how Elizabeth is often torn between the duty of her crown and her personal desires. There’s been so much conversation about how Big Little Lies heralds the return of Nicole Kidman, to which I reply “BITCH WHERE DID SHE GO?” Nicole’s Celeste is such a contradiction of fragility and strength as she comes to terms with the abuse in her marriage and finding the strength to take her life back. It’s such a delicate balance because while Celeste is a victim, Nicole never makes us feel like she’s one.

Sage: Fargo continues to nail it in finding the perfect performer to play its everyperson hero. In Season 3, Carrie Coon is the cop capable of pulling the threads of the Stussy brothers’ epic falling out together, doing deceptively deep work surrounded by outsized, Coen-y performances. (Consider this a vote for The Leftovers too, if you like.) Pearl Mackie deserved better material — we all know it. But she had the unenviable task of succeeding a long-term Doctor Who companion whilst breaking some thick sci-fi barriers. Her curious Bill Potts is too good for the cards life dealt her, but never lets herself be victimized. And Reese Witherspoon continued to prove that she’s one of her generation’s finest actresses in her grown-up-Tracey-Flick role on HBO’s soapy feminist miniseries, Big Little Lies. Madeline is a bundle of contradictions, bound tight and ready to burst, but in Reese’s hands, you can’t help sympathize and root for her.

Best Actor in a Comedy

Gael Garcia Bernal as Rodrigo De Souza, Mozart in the Jungle
John Ross Bowie as Jimmy DiMeo, Speechless
Ted Danson as Michael, The Good Place
Neil Patrick Harris as Count Olaf, A Series of Unfortunate Events
Marc Maron as Sam Sylvia, GLOW
Andy Samberg as Jake Peralta, Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Sage: I devoured three seasons of Mozart In The Jungle over about two weeks and was charmed at every single turn by Gael Garcia Bernal‘s eccentric but loving maestro, Rodrigo. In Season 3, Rodrigo goes toe-to-toe with a fiery opera diva coming out of retirement, reunites his beloved orchestra, and gives Hai-Lai new purpose by encouraging her own interest in conducting. He’s so disarming and charismatic, it’s easy to see why everyone he meets is either infuriated or infatuated. THAT moment in The Good Place would not have been as shocking if not for Ted Danson finally loosening the straps of his too-nice nice guy act. The man is sitcom royalty, and I thought he was giving one of the best comedic performances on TV BEFORE I knew he was pulling double duty. And Andy Samberg is another perpetual name on this list, because he leads Brooklyn Nine-Nine‘s a-dorable and intensely funny ensemble with a delicious goofiness that never gets old.

Kim: On so many sitcoms where the wife is the one depicted as the one in charge of the marriage, the husband often comes off as a schlub who is completely emasculated by his powerful wife. It’s a testament to both the writers of Speechless and John Ross Bowie’s performance that the opposite happens with Jimmy DiMeo. Jimmy never feels threatened by Maya; in fact, he basks her in power, but at the same time, he never slacks off and just lets her run the show. We need more men like Jimmy on television. Neil Patrick Harris is living his best life as Count Olaf in A Series of Unfortunate Events. He’s deliciously wicked, wonderfully campy, and manages to make every one of Olaf’s disguises a distinct character. Barney Stinson may be Neil’s signature role, but Olaf is the kind of role he was always meant to play. Marc Maron brings the perfect amount of sleaze to Sam Sylvia on GLOW. I can really only compare him to A League of Their Own‘s Jimmy Dugan…which anyone who knows me will know that is the highest compliment I can give.


Best Actor in a Drama

Sterling K. Brown as Randall Pearson, This Is Us
Peter Capaldi as The Doctor, Doctor Who
Ewan McGregor as Ray and Emmit Stussey, Fargo
Rami Malek as Elliot Alderson, Mr. Robot
Matt Smith as Prince Philip, The Crown
Dan Stevens as Legion, Legion
Ricky Whittle as Shadow Moon, American Gods

Kim: Rami Malek is something special, y’all. After the Fight Club-esque reveal of season one, it would have been easy for Rami to go the crazy route as Elliot became more and more unhinged. Instead, Elliot became more and more detached and withdrawn. It’s not an easy thing to convey emotion when you have a character that’s intentionally numbing himself, but Rami does it with ease. After three years watching Matt Smith flounce around as the Eleventh Doctor, it was so amazing to see him go the opposite route as Prince Philip in The Crown. His performance is an exercise in barely contained toxic masculine rage at having to be subservient to his more powerful wife. It’s so hard to watch but thrilling all at the same time. And then we have Peter Capaldi. I may have had issues with how Series 10 was written, but I have never had an issue with Peter’s Doctor. He brings such a wonderful gravitas to the role, and the way he portrayed the Doctor’s pure weariness in this Series was amazing to watch. Plus, he always delivers one HELL of a monologue.

Sage: Real talk: This Is Us enrages me almost weekly, but I stick around for Randall and his family. Sterling K. Brown immediately established himself as the heart of this show and of the Big Three. He’s so at ease, so natural – it feels like he’s been living in this character for years. Ewan McGregor disappeared twice over on Fargo, playing a pair of feuding twin brothers. The physical transformation had nothing on the quintessentially Fargo-ian doomed quality that hung over both of them until the bitter and bloody end. If the Emmys paid attention to genre shows, Dan Stevens would have been on the top of that Leading Actor list. There’s SO MUCH going on inside his Legion character, a man who’s lived so much of his life believing the people who tell him he’s insane that he can’t differentiate between reality and his trippy, drugged-out nightmares anymore. Finally, American Gods hit the jackpot with Ricky Whittle. Shadow Moon is a stoic audience surrogate surrounded by literal gods doing the absolute MOST with their performances. By digging into that character instead of desperately trying to compete with what’s happening around him, Ricky fully embodies a fantasy lit icon.


Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy

Stephanie Beatriz as Rosa Diaz, Brooklyn Nine-Nine
D’Arcy Carden as Janet, The Good Place
Donna Lynne Champlin as Paula Proctor, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
Betty Gilpin as Debbie Eagan, GLOW
Jameela Jamil as Tahani Al-Jamil, The Good Place
Kate McKinnon as Various Characters, Saturday Night Live

Sage: Stephanie Beatriz doesn’t get enough credit for Rosa Diaz, Brooklyn Nine-Nine‘s toughest broad/secret Nancy Meyers fan softie. I don’t know what I love more, her brOTP status with Jake or her lethal eyebrow raise. Betty Gilpin is the revelation of GLOW (and how ’bout that American Gods scene, eh?) — a woman who thought her glory days were behind her; a scorned wife and friend; a mom who loves her kid but doesn’t want her life to end there. Her frustration and suffocation are palpable and so is her eventual rebirth. The Good Place‘s “mean girl” Tahani, like the rest of its characters, announced herself with a single characteristic and then bloomed out to reveal so much more. Jameela Jamil‘s sing-song delivery of Tahani’s casually-cutting “I’m always going to be better than you” lines is great, but so is her exploration of that character as a woman who spent her whole life feeling inadequate, racking up accomplishments while unable to enjoy any of them.

Kim: Last year’s champ Donna Lynne Champlin continued to deliver the goods in season two. Paula went to a lot of tough places this season, from facing an unexpected pregnancy to going back to school to (temporarily) falling out with Rebecca. The reason they could do that is because Donna Lynne always grounds her character in reality, even when she’s working out her feelings in a Disney Princess ballad or a Heart-esque 80s power ballad. Kate McKinnon continues to be THE reason to watch Saturday Night Live. Things were thrown off for her this year, because we were all expecting her to be playing President Hillary Clinton for the next four years…until all of the sudden she wouldn’t be. Her opening as Hillary at the piano, singing “Hallelujah” the week after the election will probably go down as one of the most powerful moments in SNL‘s history. D’Arcy Carden doesn’t have it easy on The Good Place, since Janet is basically a living version of Siri and she has to play it with limited emotion. That’s HARD, y’all. She was always good at it, but when she really came alive is when we were introduced to “Bad Janet” and then when Good Janet fell in love with Jason Mendoza. It’s the definition of a sly performance.


Best Supporting Actress in a Drama

Millie Bobby Brown as Eleven, Stranger Things
Emily Browning as Laura Moon, American Gods
Laura Dern as Renata Klein, Big Little Lies
Michelle Gomez as Missy, Doctor Who
Vanessa Kirby as Princess Margaret, The Crown
Yvonne Strahovski as Serena Joy, The Handmaid’s Tale
Bellamy Young as Mellie Grant, Scandal

Kim: We’ve been shouting about Bellamy Young‘s Mellie Grant for years, and we will continue to do so as long as she continues to deliver performances like she did in this past season of Scandal. Mellie is a fighter. She is a woman who won’t be cowed in the face of adversity and Bellamy imbues her with a conviction that makes me shout “YAS GIRRRRL” at my television screen on a regular basis. Millie Bobby Brown displays the maturity of actresses twice her age in Stranger Things. Eleven may not say much verbally, but she says so much with her face and her reactions. She takes the standard “creepy child” role and gives her both vulnerability and terrifying strength. We are so lucky to live in a world where we get to see Michelle Gomez as Missy. She’s always been good but Missy’s journey during this season of Doctor Who was a joy to watch. She still had the wickedness and sharp tongue that we’ve loved for the past two years but she also added a tenderness and inner turmoil to her that took it to a whole new level. She will be SORELY missed. Could anyone have played Renata Klein better than Laura Dern did? I think not. Renata is the villain for most of the series; she’s tough, she’s unforgiving, she’s that mom at the playground that we are all terrified of. Laura brings that brittleness to the role but she also lets you see those moments where she questions herself. It’s a hard role but Laura makes you cheer for her, even when you hate her.

Sage: Laura Moon’s role was pumped up considerably for the show – a great call. As Shadow’s no-good wife, Emily Browning brought dark humor and a #relatable angry-dead-girl aesthetic to the proceedings. And her nasty chemistry with Pablo Schreiber’s Mad Sweeney is to die (again) for. Princess Margaret gets the rawest deal of The Crown, and the elegant Vanessa Kirby plays her anger and betrayal without inviting a “poor little rich girl” designation. And Yvonne Strahovski probably has the most thankless role in The Handmaid’s Tale. Audiences waited a whole season for her to show a single shred of compassion – because we assume we’ll get that from a female character – but nope. Serena is as evil as any of the men in power, and Yvonne’s chilling work deserves to be recognized.


Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy

Andre Braugher as Ray Holt, Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Tituss Burgess as Titus Andromedon, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
Jaime Camil as Rogelio de la Vega, Jane the Virgin
Micah Fowler as JJ DiMeo, Speechless
William Jackson Harper as Chidi Anagonye, The Good Place
Cedric Yarbrough as Kenneth, Speechless

Sage: Andre Braugher is the Nick Offerman of Brooklyn Nine-Nine, i.e. the most egregious Emmys snub. A lesser actor would have exhausted Capt. Holt’s comedic and emotional potential by now, but Andre seems to be having way too much fun to ever let that happen. As always, Tituss Burgess had the best lines, moments, and outfits on this season of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. And while that Lemonade homage slayed all day, it was that actually devastating break-up with Mikey that defined his year. Speechless gets better with every episode, as does Cedric Yarbrough‘s Kenneth, aid, big brother, and adopted DiMeo. He and Micah Fowler’s JJ are one of my favorite TV teams; see: the episode where Kenneth sets up a fight club for JJ and his friends with disabilities, because he believes (to a fault) that everything can and should be made accessible for his friend.

Kim: WHY is Jaime Camil not winning all the awards? Seriously. He’s not even being NOMINATED, for Christ’s sake. Rogelio de le Vega has been one of my favorite characters over the past three years, and Jaime Camil keeps adding layers to him while still maintaining Rogelio’s blissful lack of self-awareness. Rogelio never crosses into caricature or one-dimensional fool, and that’s a testament to the man playing him. As Chidi, William Jackson Harper often has to play the straight man/Jiminy Cricket to Kristin Bell’s Eleanor, which is not an easy task. It’s a less showy but no less masterful performance and Harper truly shines whenever Chidi is forced into an ethical dilemma. Micah Fowler, you guys. He blew me away on Speechless every week…without ever saying a word. The performance purely relies on Fowler’s physicality; it’s all in his face and body. His comic timing is impeccable and the amount of emotion he’s able to convey in a single eyebrow raise or roll of his eye is astounding.


Best Supporting Actor in a Drama

David Harbour as Chief Hopper, Stranger Things
Ron Cephas Jones as William Hill, This Is Us
Ian McShane as Mr. Wednesday, American Gods
Joe Morton as Eli Pope, Scandal
Adam Scott as Ed MacKenzie, Big Little Lies
Christian Slater as Mr. Robot, Mr. Robot
Cole Sprouse as Jughead Jones, Riverdale

Kim: Shonda Rhimes has employed a LOT of fantastic actors of the course of her network domination but there are few actors that can deliver her magnificently wordy and bombastic arias like Joe Morton can. It’s putting it lightly to say that Eli/Rowan Pope is a complicated man…but the magic of Joe’s performance is that even when you KNOW he’s a right bastard, you still buy into him. (Me during the scene with Sandra and the Dinosaur: I REALLY BELIEVE HIM. 5 Seconds later: Oh, he just threatened to kill her. Welp.) Adam Scott is a far cry from Ben Wyatt as Ed MacKenzie in Big Little Lies. On the surface, Ed is a bit of a thankless part, the Beta male behind Reese Witherspoon’s Madeline; the guy who always feels like he’s going to be second best to the ex. But Adam Scott brought a wonderful sense of both humor and vulnerability to the role. ALSO THE BEARD. And finally, part of the reason that Sterling K. Brown is the heart of This Is Us is due to the wonderful Ron Cephas Jones and his performance as William Hill. It’s a testament to the show NOT always doing what I expected it to, because I kept waiting for William to let Randall down and he never did. What made William so wonderful was how layered he was: he was a man burdened with regret for giving up his son and he was a man desperate to soak up as much time as he could once he got his son back. He’s wonderfully funny, especially in his scenes with Beth, and yet he will have you in tears delivering a beautiful speech in the very next scene.

Sage: I feel like what David Harbour is doing on Stranger Things LOOKS easy. But that’s because he and Chief Hopper are a match made in casting heaven. Mornings are for coffee and contemplation, faces are for punching, and Hopper is the perfect grumpy hero to back up a group of rag-tag kids. Speaking of casting heaven: Ian McShane. Could American Gods have done better for its duplicitous, ego-maniacal anti-hero, Mr. Wednesday? Fans figured out this season’s Mr. Robot twist pretty early, but the shock of season 1’s still persists, in the form of Christian Slater‘s devil on Elliot’s shoulder. Its sophomore year saw Elliot fighting against Mr. Robot’s influence harder than ever before; Slater’s answering fanatical frenzy raised the stakes even higher, leading to a nail-biting climax. If we believed in guilty pleasures, Riverdale would surely be one. The breakout of this post-emo take on the Archie story was (surprise!) Cole Sprouse as Jughead Jones, the town’s resident outcast, budding Salinger, and lowkey heartthrob. Riverdale embraces the camp of it all, and Cole seems to be enjoying adding a little James Dean flair to this murder mystery.


Best Shipper Moment

Greg and Rebecca at the Bridge, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
“It’s time for us to be friends again.” – Doctor Who
Julian comes for Christmas – The Flash
Eleanor may be into Tahani – The Good Place
Rodrigo and Halley finally do it – Mozart in the Jungle
Betty and Jughead’s first kiss – Riverdale
“It was all me.” – Wynonna Earp

Sage: Crazy Ex-Girlfriend could run for 15 more seasons sans Santino Fontana, and I would STILL be banging the drum for Team Greg. But before they closed the door on their “shitshow” romance, Greg and Rebecca had a “great, fate-less, coincidental meeting on a scenic bridge” that ended in a pretty swoon-y grab-and-kiss. Take that, Josh Chan. Tom Felton has joked at conventions that he tried to pitch The Flash writers on a Barry/Julian romance, and would that they listened, because the classic rom-com elements are all there: Barry and Julian can’t stand each other at first but slowly learn to respect each other’s integrity; and then all of a sudden Julian is family, arriving on Joe’s doorstep on Christmas and handing his former enemy a gift while they smile shyly at each other. What more do you want? And after two seasons of quirky co-dependency and prophetic tea readings, Mozart In The Jungle FINALLY let Rodrigo and Hailey get it on, much to Lizzie’s open-mouthed surprise. (“Did you and Hailey sleep together last night?” “Oh, yeah. Yeah, we did. We did, Lizzie, yeah. But you know, we spent more time awake. We did more things when we were awake. It’s more fun.”)

Kim: I was coasting along just fine in my love for Riverdale before episode six happened. I was watching it for the ladies and then all the sudden Betty and Jughead decided to team up to investigate all the shit that was going down in Riverdale and a new ship was born. I’m Dawson’s Creek trash to the core, so I cheered at the DEFINITE homage when Bughead’s first kiss came after our resident Pacey character climbed into Betty’s bedroom via a ladder. Similarly, I was totally into my Eleanor and Chidi ship on The Good Place right up until the season finale when after extolling her frenemy’s virtues (both emotional and physical), Eleanor dropped a “I genuinely might be into Tahani” truth bomb. Listen, there is a reason why enemies to friends to lovers is one of the most dominant genres in fan fic and these two could be a shining example. Speaking of dominant fan fic genres, let’s talk about Doctor Who and the Master/Doctor relationship. These two idiots have been in love with each other all over space and time and Peter Capaldi and Michelle Gomez took it to a whole new level in Series 10. The sexual tension in their scene at the end of “Eaters of Light” was unbearable. Their HANDS. Their hushed voices as they talked about being friends again. The hope in Missy’s eyes. The total lack of personal space. The way the Doctor stopped himself and took a step back. SET ME ON FIRE. Our final shipper moment comes courtesy of Patreon Sponsor Will, who suggests a moment for Wynonna Earp‘s WayHaught ship. “Waverly and Nicole have their first moments back together after Waverly is freed from possession by the GOO, and Nicole is unsure if the loving moments they shared during the possession were real or not. Waverly’s reply to her? “No, it was all me. It was all real.” “How can you be sure?” “Because… I don’t remember much about when… IT…was in control…BUT… I remember EVERY SECOND I was with you…every touch…every kiss.” Okaaaaaaay I don’t watch yet but that is ALSO some Pacey Witter realness.


Best Right in the Feels Moment

“That’s who you are.” – Bones
Elizabeth tells Margaret she can’t marry – The Crown
Offred and the letters – The Handmaid’s Tale
Michael’s Death – Jane the Virgin
Elliot and Tyrell – Mr. Robot
William’s Death – This is Us

Kim: 90% of The Handmaid’s Tale could qualify for a “Right in the Feels” moment to be honest. The season finale is BRUTAL from the devastating scene where Serena Joy took Offred to see her daughter to the way Offred and the other handmaids refuse to stone one of their own. So what moment to pick? We chose a moment that offered us (and Offred) a glimpse of hope: the scene where Offred finally opened the mysterious package, discovering that they were all letters from Handmaids telling their personal stories. Offred cries as the letters remind her that she is not alone and so do we. We knew in the first few episodes of This Is Us that our time with William was going to be limited but that didn’t lessen the impact of the moment where we lost him. “Memphis” is a gorgeous episode from start to finish but the final scene in the hospital just kicks you in the stomach as Randall gently cups his father’s face and whispers the advice that his adoptive father always gave him when he was having a panic attack. “Just breathe.” YOU MEAN JUST CRY. The relationship between Princess Margaret and Peter Townsend was doomed from the start, thanks to antiquated rules about divorce. Still, we held out hope for The Crown to give them a happy ending. (WE KNOW IT’S HISTORY BUT COME ON.) Despite her promises to not stand in the way, Elizabeth didn’t give permission for her sister to break with tradition and marry the man she loves and our hearts collectively broke for her.

Sage: Bones scared the shit out of all of us in its series finale, saddling Brennan with a brain injury that threatened her career and sent her into an identity crisis. But Booth was there to remind her that, though her intellect is indeed one of the things he loves about her – and that she loves about herself – it’s not the only thing. No one was prepared for Jane The Virgin‘s mid-season shake-up, and the sight of Michael motionless on the floor with lunch Jane packed for him lying right beside him is going to hang over it forever. Jane and Michael were so in tune – lovers and best friends at the very beginning of their lives. Neither of them deserved this, which is what made this choice so powerful. (Pour one out for Feelies winner Brett Dier.) Tyrell was a ghost for almost the entire season of Mr. Robot, a rogue operative who could have been waiting around every corner. That breathless finale standoff showed how devoted Tyrell had become to Mr. Robot’s vision – so devoted that he knew he had to ignore Elliot’s pleas for his life and shoot his own messiah.



Gillian Anderson’s introduction – American Gods
Bonnie joins the sisterhood – Big Little Lies
Rebecca and her Girls on the cliff – Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
Jodie Whittaker is the Doctor – Doctor Who
“I feel like a goddamn superhero!” – GLOW
“It feels right.” – Scandal

Sage: “Hey, you ever wanted to see Lucy’s tits?” Gillian Anderson’s Media asks Shadow from his TV in her first appearance on American Gods. Our forever queen was an inspired choice for the goddess of screens and fantasy, transforming over this first season into what I hope are only the first few in a long list of icons. Big Little Lies, they told us at the beginning, was about a death. But it was really about women – what they go through, how they cope, and the systems they set in place with each other to ensure their survival. At that fateful Audrey and Elvis school event, the explosive, abusive marriage of Celeste and Perry reaches a critical point, and with the rest of our heroines present, it’s satellite granola mom Bonnie who steps up to show where her loyalties lie. I’m sure I’m not the only one who cried during Betty Gilpin’s season finale monologue in GLOWa specific but SO universal speech that could only have been written by a woman. Ridiculed for her new job by her sad, philandering husband, Debbie reclaims her body and herself and tells him where to stick it.

Kim: Even after all the hints Steven Moffat dropped about the future of Doctor Who being female, we still didn’t believe that it would ACTUALLY happen. We all sat with bated breath on July 16th as the teaser introducing the new Doctor was revealed. Lo and behold, we got a glimpse of a female hand and then the camera panned up to reveal Broadchurch‘s Jodie Whittaker. The TARDIS appeared and she gave a mischievous grin. She’s the Doctor already, y’all. As much as Crazy Ex-Girlfriend has been about Rebecca’s quest, it’s ALSO been about Rebecca finding her tribe of misfit girlfriends. For me the most enduring image of season 2 will be Rebecca and her girl-gang on the cliff after Josh Chan jilts her. “It’s my fault,” Rebecca confesses. “It’s my fault they don’t love me.” And then Paula, the most loyal, is like “Fuck that noise.” “Stop it. You hear me? This is not your fault. You have done nothing wrong. Josh is the one to blame. All these men…they are the ones to blame.” It’s such a moment of rage and a moment of collective strength. “Josh Chan must be destroyed.” “What did you have in mind?” YAS QUEEN YAS. Dark!Olivia Pope is my favorite Olivia Pope. Season Six of Scandal blissfully focused on Olivia’s quest for power and GOD was it satisfying to see her scheme and manipulate her way into The White House. “How does it feel to be the most powerful person in the world?” Cyrus asks her on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial. “Right,” Olivia says decisively. “It feels right.” FUCK YEAH IT DOES. 


Best Warm Fuzzy Moment

Brennan’s Birthday – Bones
Doug Judy does good – Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Eleanor thanks Chidi – The Good Place
Xo and Ro’s Wedding – Jane the Virgin
Maya comes to camp – Speechless
“Still Pretty” – Stranger Things

Kim: If your heart didn’t explode with the warm fuzzies when Xiomara and Rogelio FINALLY tied the knot on Jane the Virgin, you may want to have your heart checked out. It may not have been the perfect wedding that Xiomara dreamed of, but yet it was the perfect wedding for THEM. One of the signatures of Speechless‘ first season was the way they could always knock you on your ass with an emotional moment. (Seriously…for a comedy, I sure did cry a lot over it this year.) There were tons of good moments, but Maya helicoptering to camp so she could wish JJ a good summer took the cake. There were a lot of warm fuzzies in the farewell season of Bones, but the winner here was when Brennan revealed ON HER BIRTHDAY that she was the one who had put Angela forward for a genius grant and that she had written a dazzling recommendation for Daisy’s dream job. The art of Temperance Brennan is that while she may come off blunt and unemotional, the truth is that she has the biggest heart out of all of them.

Sage: It’s a truth universally acknowledged that whenever Jake Peralta puts his trust in small-time crook Doug Judy, Doug Judy will take that trust and whatever money’s on the table and disappear. But in this season of Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Doug actually came through for his trusting puppy of an opponent, proving that Jake’s goodness can wear down anyone over time. Eleanor and Chidi may be soulmates after all. After the myth of The Good Place came crashing down, Eleanor still thanked her hell-roommate for everything he did to help her be a better person. (“I was dropped into a cave, and you were my flashlight.”) And since Chidi was sentenced to The Bad Place, in part, for being a bad friend, this must have meant a lot. The real evil of Stranger Things isn’t the demogorgon. It’s the men and women who steal childhoods to advance their science. So to see Eleven connect with kids her own age and try to recapture some of that was completely heartbreaking. Now please, can she make it back in time for the Snow Ball??


Best “What the FUCK?!” Moment

Emmit kills Ray – Fargo
It’s the Bad Place – The Good Place
Wes is under the sheet – How to Get Away With Murder
The Lenny reveal – Legion
Cyrus is pulling the strings – Scandal
The Big Three reveal – This Is Us

Sage: Death is a given in any season of Fargo, but the Emmit’s accidental stabbing of his slimey but lovable brother JUST as the two were working towards a reconciliation is a great example of the cosmic punishments this series loves to dole out. The Good Place, man. I should have seen it coming. The first time I thought, “Huh, Tahani seems like kind of a pill,” I should have KNOWN. The show’s dirty secret was expertly weaved in from the very first moment. But I didn’t catch it, and neither did you, and this twist will go down in HISTORY. Just try to take your eye off of Aubrey Plaza’s Legion character when she’s on-screen. One of the funniest women we know transformed herself into a twitchy seductress who turned out to be the very manifestation of malevolence and evil. No big.

Kim: Of the Keating Five, Wes has always been the protagonist. He was our entry into the twisted world of Annalise Keating and he has always been the one that the stories have come back to. So IMAGINE our shock and awe when they pulled the sheet back on How to Get Away with Murder to reveal that he was the one who had died in the fire. Most of the pilot of This Is Us plays out as a standard drama with four interconnected storylines. Our jaws hit the floor in the final moments when the camera pulled back on Milo Ventimiglia’s Jack Pearson to reveal that he was in a hospital in the 80’s and that those three other characters we had gotten to know over the course of the hour were his KIDS. Cyrus Beene has always been an evil mastermind on Scandal but all season it seemed like he had been the victim of the power struggle for the next White House. The reveal that HE had been the one that had planted the assassination idea in Luna Vargas’ mind? That’s the Scandal we all know and love.

Who will be your champions? Get to voting so we can find out!

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Rose Petals – Kim and Maggie Watch The Bachelorette, Week 8 Wed, 26 Jul 2017 16:30:06 +0000

Posted by Kim and Maggie

Kim: Full disclosure, we didn’t do a recap last week because we conscientiously objected to EVERYTHING in regards to what went down with Dean and his family. It felt exploitative and gross and every time I sat down to start compiling our post, my knee-jerk response was “I CAN’T DO THIS.”
Maggie: Our favorite preppy woodland sprite DESERVED BETTER.
Kim: To recap about our final three: Suddenly we find Eric, personal trainer endearing; Bryan’s relationship with his mother gives new meaning to “Oedipal” (SHE LEGIT THREATENED TO KILL RACHEL TO HER FACE); Peter has completely reasonable commitment issues in regards to proposing. And that’s what you missed on Glee!
Maggie: Also we want Eric’s Aunt Verna to be our life coach.

Kim: On to this week’s episode!
Maggie: Tonight on The Bachelorette: I’m so ready to watch Bryan crash and burn and I am so scared the show dangled that in front of me just to snatch it away.
Kim: I’m SO READY for Rachel to get a big dose of reality re: Bryan from her family, But first, let’s watch her walk the streets of Dallas, Mary Tyler Moore style.

Maggie: Is it me or is Peter’s hair getting more salt and peppery?
Kim: It’s NOT just you. It totally is.
Kim: This show is aging him in the best way.

Kim: Peter DOES kind of get the short-end of the stick with the Dallas dates. Eric gets to go have lunch up in some tower and Bryan meets the girlfriends for brunch but Peter….gets to go baby gift shopping? It’s a little odd. But he’s very endearing in the shop and as an uncle, he is clearly a pro in picking out gifts for both Rachel’s expectant sister and Rachel’s nephew.
Maggie: Constance loves stripes so I already love Constance. (Was she on during The Bachelor last season because I had to tap out because Nick Viall.)
Kim: SHE WAS. And she was wonderfully judgey so I can’t WAIT for this. Side note: after the whole stripe discussion, DID they actually buy something with stripes? I saw the big brother tee and the giraffe but NO STRIPES.
Maggie: I don’t know, I feel like they didn’t air the gift giving?? There was so much good Peter content for them to choose from.
Kim: Then what was the point of this ridiculous exercise?
Maggie: Heteronormativity.

Maggie for the win.

Maggie: I live for these catty bitches dissecting Peter not wanting to propose right away.
Kim: His COMPLETELY REASONABLE hesitation about proposing.
Maggie: This season got dark, guys, not as much fun times yelling MEN ARE SO DRAMATIC. Have we made it to the purely entertaining drama finally?
Kim: God, I hope so. Also, Eric Personal Trainer’s biceps are doing SOMETHING for me right now. What has happened to me???

Maggie: Peter knew it was game over without the “falling in love” card, yes?
Kim: Definitely. I am so amused that he did this on the steps of her (very nice) house right before they went in. What a dramatic hoe.
Maggie: No wonder we love him.
Kim: ALSO Rachel says that she’s falling in love with him. Has she said that to Bryan’s face? I can’t remember.
Maggie: I can’t remember either.
Kim: So let’s pretend she hasn’t.

Maggie: (What am I missing about Rachel’s dad? Why is he not there?)
Kim: I’ve blocked out the latter half of Nick’s season, but I THINK her parents are divorced? (Edit: he’s a federal judge, that’s why.) I’m SUPER digging Uncle Jeff’s specs though.

Kim: Ugh the way he talks about the first time he saw her: “I kind of blacked out for a minute.” END ME. Also everyone is EATING THIS UP, well played Peter.
Maggie: Your parents got married after a month, you say, Peter? WHAT AN ACCELERATED TIMELINE.

Maggie: The fuck is this brother-in-law’s problem??? WHO STARTS A CONVERSATION THIS WAY.
Kim: I kind of hate his big hipster beard and glasses, NGL.
Maggie: RIGHT.

Maggie: This conversation between Peter and Rachel’s mom straddles the line of show reality and real life reality, which I like — Rachel wants to get married but guess what, it IS possible to date seriously with a view toward marriage instead of getting engaged after eight weeks or whatever this is.
Kim: He doesn’t want to ask for the blessing and HER MOM IS LIKE YEAH I LIKE IT but she also wants him to be serious with her. WHICH IS WHAT HE WANTS TOO. It’s so reasonable and wonderful.

Kim: Teaching the kid to say “Peter. Winner.” SOMEONE IS ALREADY THE CLEAR FAVE. Listen, it’s ALWAYS an advantage to be the first one to meet the family because you set the standard. And Peter sets it pretty damn high.

Kim: I can’t tell if Eric is growing on me because I actually like him or because the other option is the Face Eater. He HAS mellowed a lot and his hometown was pretty endearing.
Maggie: I feel like all three of the men should have to do the dumb trip to the baby store but okay, show.

Kim: Bryan is being SUPER SMUG about Peter not asking for the parental blessing. He starts talking about his chemistry with Rachel and is all “WELL I’M GOING TO DO IT” and Peter just looks like he wants to punch him in the face. Same.
Maggie: I don’t want to be sitting here with Bryan either, Peter. He IS annoying.
Kim: Peter calling Bryan arrogant in his Into the Mic just added ten years to my life.
Maggie: Hahahahahahaha.

Maggie: That “it’s been a minute” delivery was cute, Eric, Personal Trainer. ALSO WHY IS THIS A BIG DEAL. I don’t know, his dating history isn’t an immediate red flag to me but what do I even know.
Kim: Listen, I would rather have someone who errs on the side of caution when it comes to bringing people to meet the parents over a serial monogamist. Or maybe that’s just because any time I’ve had someone meet my parents we’ve ended up breaking up within a month.
Maggie: See, that makes so much sense to me!
Kim: How am I all of a sudden like “PROTECT ERIC PERSONAL TRAINER AT ALL COSTS”?
Maggie: The tagline for this season.

Maggie: I feel like he shouldn’t have said “love but not in love” out loud?
Kim: Listen, he’s obviously a sweet guy and we’ve misjudged him. But this is a friendship. Nothing more.

Kim: Requisite comment that I HATE the whole asking the parents for her hand in marriage thing. I hate it.
Maggie: SO GROSS. I’m sorry, this show is so fucking outdated. Also, no offense, you don’t need necessarily a good role model of being a husband in your family growing up in order to be a good husband to someone.
Kim: THIS.

Maggie: I feel like Eric is basically winning the family over? They’re not super excited about him but he proved himself?
Kim: Yes, I am definitely counting this as a win for him.

Maggie: “Peace and love, you be great. See you soon.” is how I say goodbye to my significant other, too, Eric.

Maggie: OH EW OF COURSE BRYAN IS WEARING THE WATCH. No whyyyyy is Eric being cute talking about it?
Kim: I DON’T KNOW. Also both Eric and Peter HATE him, it’s so obvious.


Maggie: Why is Bryan meeting friends?? Is this an extra hoop for him to jump through or is this like a vote of confidence?
Kim: It feels like a vote of confidence, which. Ew.

Maggie: Chiropractor AND MUSICIAN? Did I hear that right?

Kim: No gimmicks, no games? OKAY RACHEL WHATEVER YOU SAY.
Maggie: First night: No gimmicks, no games, just face eating.


Maggie: “Mom always gets first kiss.” DID HE REALLY AFTER WE MET HIS MOM LAST WEEK?
Kim: Okay leading with your Oedipal relationship with your mother, not great.
Maggie: Oh my god, bro, stop talking about your mom.


Kim: Constance’s “Bitch please” face is so glorious it should be carved on Mount Rushmore.
Maggie: Constance isn’t having it and neither am I.

Kim: Everything about this is SO AWKWARD. Everyone hates him pretty much instantly.
Maggie: I feel like the family got a bad vibe off of Bryan the second he walked in that wasn’t there with Peter or Eric, and that’s not just because I hate him. That’s why the energy is bad, Rachel.
Kim: AGREE. They see through his bullshit. Rachel’s been dickmatized.

Maggie: BEYOND happy she articulated it that way.
Kim: Like, shout this from the fucking rooftops.

Kim: Okay but WHY does Bryan get up and excuse himself in the middle of the interrogation?
Kim: Clearly, this is a little bit of editing because it feels so abrupt. I’m a little like BUT WHERE DID HE GO? In reality, he probably went to pee or something and they are making this look more dramatic than it is.
Maggie: Yeah, he probably gave whatever slick answer to the last question but they really cut it off like he was storming out and I feel robbed.

Maggie: I have no interest in Rachel’s brother-in-law getting more screen time.
Kim: Yikes the bro in law basically telling her to CALM DOWN. Like, I am all about them shitting on Bryan, and naturally, Rachel is defensive…but DON’T TELL HER TO CALM DOWN, BRO.
Maggie: Legit, I hate that guy.

Kim: My favorite thing is Bryan starts spewing “You have such a wonderful family” to Constance and she’s LITERALLY like “Bitch, you’ve known us an hour and half, calm your tits.”
Maggie: Her face was my face.
Kim: I just live for the way she called out his scripted bullshit.

Kim: Yet Bryan still boldly goes for asking Rachel’s mom if he can propose. I love how Mama Lindsay rambles for like 10 minutes before she’s like “I guess.”
Maggie: I’m not here for Rachel explaining love in the Bachelor franchise bubble to her mom, sorry.
Kim: Mom’s just trying to get her to take off the cheek implant goggles and Rachel’s like BUT NO I LIKE THEM.
Maggie: I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Maggie: SPAIN.

Kim: Who does Bryan think he is playing footie with random kids on the street? You’re not Louis in the Back to You video?
Maggie: I hate him SO MUCH.

Kim: Eric is pure but this is definitely a platonic relationship.
Maggie: Please stop Eric from being cute, I am far too attached for my comfort level right now.

Maggie: Wait Eric IS in love with her now? How long has it been since Dallas, like two days?
Kim: I hate when they like have to prod these poor assholes into saying I love you.
Kim: And it’s not a good look for Rachel either? Like she’s practically begging for them to say it and that just comes off super needy and we KNOW she’s not?
Maggie: Just in general she’s starting to come off as more needy as opposed to just at the point in her life where she’s ready for this, you know?
Kim: And THE THING IS they NEVER paint the Bachelors this way, even when they are doing the exact same prodding for the L-bombs.

Maggie: He DOES look happy, it’s going to be so sad when he gets cut.
Kim: I do like that he says that she challenges him.
Maggie: I do too and yes, pure, but he’s not the guy. He’s never going to be the guy.

Kim: The Chris Harrison notes squick me out EVERY SEASON. “Here’s a hotel room key. Go have sex.”
Kim: NO.

Kim: ALSO SQUICKY: showing the morning after footage. THEY REALLY PAN TO RUMPLED BED SHEETS.
Maggie: I love when I can’t pay close enough attention and miss gross stuff like that.
Kim: Not that I FOR A SECOND think that Rachel and Eric had sex. This is the rare time that I actually believe that they stayed up all night talking.

Maggie: I missed Peter, too, Rachel.
Maggie: I love him.

Maggie: The reason Rachel is a good fit for this show is she actually looks happy and engaged during that awkward Spanish man’s song.

Kim: Peter’s DELIGHT at the “Raquel y Pedro” wine cellar though. “Do we get to leave with all of this?” Listen he is a man with priorities.

Kim: Neck Kissing. Hand on her ass. Help me.

Maggie: I mean, on the one hand it IS kind of ridiculous to go on The Bachelorette and say you’re not going to propose but also by real life standards this storyline is just so stupid and I can’t.
Kim: Again it’s the ultimatum that is just REALLY unflattering. You NEVER see the Bachelors threatening that they won’t pick the girl if they aren’t ready for an engagement. BECAUSE ALL GIRLS WANT DIAMONDS AMIRITE?
Maggie: Literally the only thing. Neil Lane diamonds specifically.

Kim: Wait a minute.



Kim: Peter looks like he is about to cry during this whole “What does an engagement mean” conversation.
Maggie: I actually see where both of them are coming from in this conversation? And I don’t think they’re as far apart as they might think? I don’t think it’s as polar opposite as they’re making it seem.
Kim: I was talking to Sage about this afterwards and she was like “Rachel needs to think about WHY she’s so upset about this whole thing. It’s because HE IS THE GUY and she loves him.” HE IS THE GUY MAGGIE.
Maggie: He’s the guy.

Kim: FUCK THIS CLIFFHANGER I HATE EVERYONE. Like it’s all i can do to not go on Reality Steve and comfort myself right now. Honestly, I haven’t been this invested since Ryan and Trista. SHE HAS TO PICK HIM SHE HAS TO.
Maggie: Not to be that guy, but it’s not like she’s going to marry the winner anyway I AM SO JADED.

Maggie: Oh, Men Tell All next week so the darkest timeline isn’t over.