“It’s just fashion, it’s supposed to be fun.” – Golden Globes 2017

Posted by Maggie

And we’re back! I really missed red carpets, guys. I read Anna Kendrick’s new book, Scrappy Little Nobody, over Christmas break and her section on Hollywood turned out to be the perfect warmup for the season. It was interesting to read about her evolving relationship with fashion, from freely exploring it to using it as a weapon to acquiring professional know-how. I love behind-the-scenes tidbits about working with stylists and the reality of attending an award show. (Read this excerpt, you’ll be hooked.) And she’s right: It’s just fashion, it’s supposed to be fun. So thanks to Colin for the book and thanks to Anna for the insight and entertainment, I’m ready to get down to business, let’s have some fun. Two things to know: 1) I can’t cover someone if I don’t see them on the carpet or at the ceremony, seeing someone move in their outfit makes all the difference, and 2) as a form of self-care, I’ve decided to try to get through this season forgetting that Sofia Vergara exists.

BEST

Evan Rachel Wood

As I was getting ready to start the red carpet and take notes, I said to Colin “I hope Evan Rachel Wood wears menswear” AND SHE DID. This look was custom but it looks like literal MENSwear, and she’s wearing the hell out of it right down to the flared leg, my god. I know I say this every time but the men are always so boring, so she’ll have to be my fix until Harry Styles does the circuit next year for Dunkirk.

Ruth Negga

Ruth’s not messing around, you guys. This is to die for, easily one of the best metallics of the night. It’s so bold yet sleek? And I love the soft hair and makeup, which complement the gown beautifully.

Kristen Bell

Honestly, this is all I’ve ever needed from Kristen Bell. If her last award show red carpet gown had a bit of a Disney princess feel, then this is the villainess-inspired look and it is working for her. This is how to swerve instead of resting on pretty. It’s killer, right? Flattering as hell and on trend (sparkles, long sleeve) but the dramatic black sets her apart.

Felicity Jones

Controversial opinion time? I love this. I love the subtle mix of blush and bashful, the black detailing, the jeweled bow; and I think it’s styled to perfection. There were some looks last night that I thought had entirely too much going on, but this wasn’t one of them. Lovely.

Viola Davis

Much like Adrienne Maloof, I’m all about a one-shoulder. My only nitpick, as usual with vibrant yellow gowns, is where is my red lip?? Otherwise, this is beaded perfection.

Millie Bobby Brown 

I am so in love with this girl and her savage sparkles, you have no idea. I can’t imagine the challenge of finding something age appropriate for an event like this, but she nailed it. I would have liked to have seen a small earring and maybe sleeker shoes, but that’s the grown-up in me talking.

Thandie Newton

I love this classic white with a splash of fire, and I think Thandie’s sleek pony and backwards necklace are the perfect complement. This striking look wasn’t originally in my top ten, which doesn’t even make sense to me looking at it again now.

Natalie Portman

I went a little back and forth on this one — is it too costumey, is the accent beading working? But ultimately, it’s just so flattering on her and I don’t know how to quit this one. It’s demure, it’s unexpectedly modern, and how she’s pulling off that color I will never know, but she is.

Claire Foy

I’m not usually one for Erdem gowns, but this is very pretty (and reminiscent of Kate Bosworth from last year). The sleeves shouldn’t really work but somehow do and I love the overall shape of it. My jury is still out on the blue ribbon, it doesn’t ruin the look but I can’t tell if I actually like it.

Naomie Harris 

This is somehow both futuristic and elegant, and I love it. Again, there were so many metallics that standing out was a challenge but she pulled it off.

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“Life isn’t all diamonds and rosé.” – Looking Back at the First Season of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Posted by Maggie

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills returns tonight with the premiere of season seven and, guys, I am excited. Much to my dismay, I’m the only resident HOF alpha female who watches Housewives, although I’ve had some limited success recruiting within our friend group. We all have our things that others might term “guilty pleasures,” and I’m certainly not above watching for the drama and the lifestyles of the rich and famous of it all, but, for me, the core of these shows has always been the depiction of female friendship. Our friendships with other women can be some of the most significant relationships in our lives, and I love watching these dynamics play out on-screen. Sometimes conflict between two Housewives is a simple matter of different friendship styles. Sometimes one Housewife is playing to the cameras when another thinks she’s being genuine. And some of these friendships span years and seasons, and I think it’s so interesting to see how they evolve. Honestly, I could write my dissertation on female friendship based on season three of The Real Housewives of New York alone. RHOBH has the added dynamic of two sisters in the cast which, as the youngest of three girls, I really appreciate, and might be partly why this city is one of my faves. Also, I can think of at least three examples from over the years of a Housewife coming across badly all season only for viewers to find out later she was going through a custody dispute or marital problems off-screen, which is a good reminder to try to reserve judgment because someone in your life might being going through a hard time that you don’t know about. The thing is, even if a medium is meant to be superficial, when real people are involved, it can’t help but capture real human moments.

In my excitement for the premiere, I thought what better way to get ready than to take a look back at the iconic first season of this franchise? Season one was a simpler time. Pre Brandi. No one had ever uttered the word “Munchausen’s.” We didn’t know yet how dark Taylor or Kim’s problems were, and we thought Adrienne and Paul were happy. We had no idea who Alene Too was (and still don’t, to be honest), and we’d never heard of “patting the puss.” Camille was quickly named the most hated Housewife in America (it was on a magazine cover!), although she looked great doing it. And it included my all-time favorite, most oft-quoted Housewives moment:

RHOBH is a flagship franchise, the best example of the aspirational wealth of it all – and the fashion, my god, the fashion. Now, after the first season of every city, the clothes and everyday outfits get more polished and the ladies look more put together, and while the same is true of Beverly Hills, these Wives had a much better grasp on what worked for them right out of the gate in season one. (Although it has to be said they are very attached to a hoop earring.)

Listen, 2016 has been rough. Things got dark. And no, life isn’t all diamonds and rosé. But it should be. So if you’re able to hit pause on real life for a moment, grab a glass of rosé (but not Whispering Angel, as loyal Bitch Sesh listeners know, we’ve turnt on them) and join me in taking a look back at my favorite ten looks from this iconic season of Housewives.

  1. Camille at the Tonys

camilleredwithprice

Look at this.

camilleredtrain

Have you ever??

camilleredback

And from the back. That cut-out!

Camille shut it down with this red gown when she attended the Tonys with her soon-to-be ex, nominee Kelsey Grammer. I’m not very familiar with that red carpet so I did a little googling and, as suspected, this was an event-appropriate look, but would most likely stand out even for a nominee, let alone a date of. The lost footage specials that run at the end of many seasons are usually garbage, cutting-room-floor stuff, but I’m so glad I rewatched this one because Camille explains that Kelsey wanted her to wear another, more low-key option so she wouldn’t draw as much attention, and that’s why she chose the red even though it was raining that night. For the most part, S1 Camille was no treat, but I’m so proud of her for doing that. (And he got his understated date the next year, so don’t feel sorry for him.)

2)  Taylor at Kennedy’s birthday tea party

taylorteaparty3

I don’t love that Taylor used her 4-year-old daughter as an excuse to throw herself a lavish party, but I do love this simple print dress.

taylorteaparty

Sorry for the unflattering photo, but she was determined to pose on that table for her professional photographer (yes, really) and I was determined to show you the pink feather in her hat that just misses ruining the entire look.

taylorteaparty2

And I feel bad that Kennedy didn’t want the attention, but I’m glad this closeup of her hiding her face behind Taylor’s skirt shows that gorgeous print in detail. Don’t you love?

3)  Lisa at Mohamed’s dinner party

lvpdinnerpartyfront

Shout-out to Mohamed Hadid, father of Gigi and Bella, for hosting this glam dinner for Lisa. I wish the velvet bodice detail on her gown showed more clearly in photos, because it was to die for.

lvpdinnerpartyside

If you look closely past RHOBH’s answer to Kato Kaelin, you can see there’s a bow on the back of her gown and you know I love a bow.

lvpdinnerpartyback

And look at the sheer back! I can’t, she looks so elegant yet modern and just rich (and I don’t mean price tag, but I’m guessing it was hefty). There are times when Lisa plays a little too into the British grande dame look, but this is definitely not one of them.

4 Adrienne at the Jay-Z concert

The interesting thing about Adrienne is that her taste often hews tacky even though her net worth over her lifetime has got to be the highest of all the ladies (but money can’t buy you class, right, Countess?). I always knew there was a taste-level issue there, but rewatching the season specifically for the fashion, I kept going, “oh, Adrienne.”

adriennesparklyoneshoulder3

THIS, on the other hand, I love. That blue sparkly one-shoulder (and I’m only just now realizing how about a one-shoulder she was) is very Adrienne, but in a classy, almost restrained way.

adriennesparklyoneshoulder2

Okay, yes, the shoulder pad is a little intense but I don’t mind it. I do mind the glitter extensions, though; let’s get another look at those:

adrienneglitterextensions

Do you see what I mean? Taste. Level. Issue.

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“Fashion is the most powerful art there is.” – Emmy Fashion 2016

Posted by Maggie

It was a long summer, devoid of major red carpets with only Louis Tomlinson’s daily trips to Starbucks to sustain us, but the Emmys are finally here. Jimmy Kimmel aside, that was a fun night, right? So many great looks, some pleasant surprises and only a few disappointments. I’m a little distressed by the amount of sheer skirts, but I can handle it. So let’s topple the patriarchy and look at some gowns!

BEST DRESSED

Kristen Bell

Source: hollywood-fashion.tumblr.com

Source: hollywood-fashion.tumblr.com

Hands down, best look of the night. Look at this pattern, you guys, I think I even see birds in it. The silhouette is amazing on her, I love that even though she’s so petite, this gown isn’t overwhelming her.

Art. Source: elserina.tumblr.com

Art. Source: elserina.tumblr.com

Sarah Paulson

Source: hollywood-fashion.tumblr.com

Source: hollywood-fashion.tumblr.com

This hits a lot of buttons for me — I love a v-neck with long sleeves, I love a well executed green look, and my god, do I love beading. Especially when someone can still move gracefully like Sarah, if she was feeling weighed down, it didn’t show. Those earrings were the perfect choice, too.

Allison Janney

National Treasure. Source: elegancia-es-el-nuevo-estilo29.tumblr.com

National Treasure. Source: elegancia-es-el-nuevo-estilo29.tumblr.com

SHUTTING. IT. DOWN. I love everything about this, bow down.

Constance Zimmer

Source: omgthatdress.tumblr.com

Source: omgthatdress.tumblr.com

I’m so into this. I love how this look could be described as romantic or very feminine, but somehow she still looks tough as nails. I feel like this was the exact right shade of pink, I’m dying over the sleeves, and I need to stop looking at this photo soon before I take it to my hair stylist.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Source: omgthatdress.tumblr.com

Source: omgthatdress.tumblr.com

Okay, THIS is how you do the sheer and black romantic look (ahem, Sophie Turner, but I’m getting ahead of myself). It shouldn’t really surprise loyal readers that I liked this very much overall, and I was especially taken with the criss-cross detail at the bust. I’m really glad that she decided to attend, given the passing of her father last week, not so I could immediately slot her in the best list but because she looked genuinely thrilled when Veep won at the end of the night. I was really moved by her acceptance speech, and I thought it was very generous of her to share it with us.

Priyanka Chopra

Source: omgthatdress.tumblr.com

Source: omgthatdress.tumblr.com

Yes, the detail at the bust bothers me too, but isn’t this gorgeous? I think this is the best she’s ever looked. I love this color on her and the way the dress moved was stunning.

Kerry Washington

Source: hollywood-fashion.tumblr.com

Source: hollywood-fashion.tumblr.com

No disrespect to the 90s, especially because they really are back (damn), but last time Kerry walked the red carpet while pregnant I thought she looked like an extra from the 10 Things I Hate About You prom. (Yes, that prom was cool as hell but it wasn’t a major awards show red carpet, okay?) But this, you guys. How is this working so well?? She looks so cool and comfortable and breezy and we know it was like a thousand degrees out on the red carpet last night. If you look closely, the boob collar’s not great? But it doesn’t detract too much from overall look.

Kate McKinnon

Source: omgthatdress.tumblr.com

Source: omgthatdress.tumblr.com

I am living for Kate in this classic red. L-i-v-i-n-g. She looks beautiful and comfortable and like a goddamn winner.

Looks like a winner, is a winner. Source: myloveholtzy.tumblr.com

Looks like a winner, is a winner. Source: myloveholtzy.tumblr.com

Kirsten Dunst

Source: hollywood-fashion.tumblr.com

Source: hollywood-fashion.tumblr.com

There was an unfortunate amount of sheer skirts on the red carpet, and Kiki’s put them all to shame. THIS is how it’s done. I wrote down “DYING I LOVE THIS CABARET HOTNESS” and I love the hair, although I think she might have pulled back too much on accessories.

Taraji P. Henson (Ceremony)

Source: People.com

Source: People.com

This second look was much more the drama that I was expecting from her. It’s sleek, it’s elegant, it’s sparkly. And I love the lighter and darker brown colors in the pattern.

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You Don’t Own Me- Life Lessons from The First Wives Club

Posted by Maggie and Sarah

Months ago, I saw a copy of First Wives Club on sale for $3 and instinctively picked it up, planning on finding it a good home (I’d already upgraded my VHS to DVD). That good home turned out to be with Sarah, who woke up a few weeks later to me screaming via text that I was a genius for thinking we had to reunite for a life lessons post (ICYMI, we collaborated on this one for Troop Beverly Hills and enjoyed the hell out of it). Delightful text thread aside, we were both immediately on board. Not only are we celebrating the 20th anniversary of this modern classic, but there’s a TV Land series based on the movie in development and the three leads are reuniting for a new project at Netflix centering around former members of a girls group (if they don’t perform “You Don’t Own Me”, so help me). What better time to take a look back? (Also, I wrote “90s are back, damn” in my notes for this and I don’t think Sarah will forgive me if I leave that gem out but seriously you guys, the 90s are back. Damn.). I highly recommend a rewatch if you haven’t seen this one in a while because it holds up. Everything the ladies go through is relevant today, and there’s still much to learn from our beloved Annie, Brenda and Elise.

-Maggie

First of all: Maggie IS a genius, and if you’ve followed her HOF posts, you already know this. Second of all: I can sleep better knowing our dear readers know that the 90s are back, damn. I remember seeing the First Wives Club VHS in my mom’s collection when I was a kid and thinking nothing more about it than how interesting it was to see the lady who sang “That ‘I’m beautiful dammit’ song” on the cover (I heard that song A LOT growing up and it’s still in heavy rotation now, thanks Mom). Once I and my undying love for the Divine Miss M grew, I finally saw for myself what an amazing movie this is, and continues to be. Sure, it’s fun and it’s extremely quotable, but the most important thing is that everyone can gain something from this. It doesn’t matter if you’ve never gone through a divorce, and it doesn’t matter what age you are. These ladies are doling out life lessons like crazy, and you just might take them to heart in the middle of all that laughing you’re doing.

-Sarah

It’s okay to eat alone.

This is such a fleeting scene, but it’s one of those things that makes me shout “WHY” at the screen every time I see it. Brenda sits down unaccompanied to a meal at a restaurant while literally everyone around her throws the most unnecessary side eye her way, and it’s incredibly frustrating. There’s a stigma to eating alone in public when there really shouldn’t be. Everyone at this restaurant obviously assumes that Brenda is lonely and therefore should be pitied, but since when are alone and lonely the same thing? And why is the default reaction to seeing someone eat alone condescension? A table for one doesn’t mean you’re unloved, so let’s start shedding the stigma, unwarranted side eye and all. Because sometimes, you want to take yourself out. Sometimes, nothing says “Me time” like a meal you didn’t cook and peace while you eat it. And sometimes, you’re just hungry and want to do something about it.

I mean, you’ve got to eat, right? So treat yo self. You deserve it.

-Sarah

The importance of self-care.

One of my favorite scenes in the movie is when Elise is working out and says she gets her best ideas then, it clears her head and makes her think straight, everything makes sense. Unfortunately it’s not quite the same for me, I spend most of the time working out counting down the minutes until I can stop, but I do have a similar thing. When I do my hair and makeup in the morning, I get time just to myself, with no one making demands of me, and I’ve gotten tons of ideas and small breakthroughs then, sometimes for HOF posts, sometimes for work, even ways to solve problems with friends that have weighed on me. I usually have my phone on the bathroom counter and can make a note or send a quick text so I don’t forget. It’s a pretty simple thing to take that 45 minutes or so for myself, but it helps set me up to be in a good place for the rest of the day.

And listen, I think a lot of the time when people tell you to take care of yourself, they end it with something about how you can’t be any good to anyone else unless you’re good to yourself first. But forget about the part about everyone else. Whatever your self-care is, prioritize it. It’s not selfish to take care of yourself for you.

-Maggie

Anger is healthy.

Before it’s revealed that Dr. Leslie Rosen is a terrible person, sleeping with Annie’s husband while treating her (hi, morals are a thing and they’re helpful), she does have a valid point: Annie struggles with unexpressed anger at the beginning of the movie. Surely a product of her efforts to present a happy and trouble-free home life to the outside world, Annie opts for saying what she thinks people want to hear, rather than what she really feels. Look, I get avoiding unnecessary confrontation, and I understand the desire for keeping the peace, but not to the point where you think anger is forbidden. I love the scene where Annie gets absorbed in Dr. Rosen’s foam bat exercise because for a brief moment, she’s finally getting all that pent-up anger out before she even finds out about the affair. You shouldn’t have to swallow injustices, and you shouldn’t feel like expressing your true feelings is wrong. Keeping everything bottled up is a surefire way to self-destruction, so let it out if something bothers you. That weight off your shoulders will feel so wonderful.

-Sarah

“You’ve stopped apologizing for yourself all the time.”

Considering the way that Annie’s mother and soon-to-be ex-husband speak to her (“I don’t mean to criticize but you have no feeling for noodles,” “You couldn’t possibly pull off something like this” just for starters), it’s no wonder that somewhere along the way she lost that confidence to be unapologetically herself, out loud. But once she reconnected with Brenda and Elise and had the support she needed, Annie started to take back her agency and, as her daughter pointed out, she stopped apologizing for herself all the time. By the end of the movie, she’s telling Aaron to drop dead and dancing in the streets with her friends, belting out “You Don’t Own Me”.

Listen, if you make a mistake, if you hurt someone, of course you should own it, try to learn from it, and apologize — but women have got to stop giving in to the conditioning to apologize for speaking up, for merely existing. Raise your hand if you’ve ever proofread a work email before sending it and noticed an opinion or suggestion prefaced with “I’m sorry, but” *raises hand* It’s crazy to me that this is still a thing in 2016, but here we are. Sure, we have the first female presidential candidate from a major party, but does she get criticized for being shrill and told to smile? Of fucking course she does. I know firsthand it’s difficult and it’s a process, but pay attention to how often you apologize and for what exactly, and try to restrain yourself when all you’re doing is contributing to a conversation, whether it’s at work or with a significant other, friends, family. You deserve to take up some space in this world.

-Maggie

“Lesbians are great nowadays!”

Aside from being one of the best lines in this thing (come on, you know it is), the events that come after highlight the benefits of being open to social change. The scene where the ladies visit Chris at the lesbian bar is a standout, because each of them gets something positive out of it in spite of having little connection to the LGBT community: Brenda commiserates with a woman who’s in the same boat, Annie has a unique bonding moment with her daughter, and Elise is having the time of her life dancing her ass off. And all of that wouldn’t have happened if they succumbed to the discriminatory outlook on society that prevailed when they were Chris’ age.

We could even broaden this to include all women regardless of sexual orientation, because while the times were starting to change when the ladies graduated college together, there was still a twisted mentality about the roles of women in society. And in a way, you can see the progression of that mentality in the generations of Annie’s family. Up until the end of the film, her mother represents the antiquated theory that all you need is a husband to make you happy. On the other end of the spectrum is Chris, completely progressive and eager to give the men that wronged these women a taste of their own medicine. Annie sits somewhere in the middle, struggling to present a happy marriage on the surface, but starting to inch out of that as the movie progresses until she completely shuns the façade and becomes a happier person as a result.

Prejudices are taught, not inherent; growing up in a conservative town, I’ve seen it happen time and time again. But if you do your best to simply keep an open mind to what’s foreign to you, I promise you your life will be better because of it. It may not result in dancing in a gay bar (although, who knows?), but you will be subjected to so many wonderful experiences you will never have had otherwise. You will encounter amazing people you may not have expected to cross paths with. Not to mention, you will be one less person carrying unnecessary hate in their back pocket. And this world needs all the love it can get.

-Sarah

“I’m saying this to you with love, compassion and the spirit of true sisterhood: You are full of shit!”

When the ladies hit a low point in their journey, it’s obvious that Elise is drinking too much and feeling sorry for herself. She’s lost perspective and is full of excuses, leading Brenda to once and for all call her on her shit. Now, if Brenda didn’t care about Elise, she probably would have let her get away with claiming that she drinks because she’s highly sensitive (“I do have feelings. I’m an actress, I have all of them!”) and not pointed out the ridiculousness of Elise being surrounded by her image. But she does care, she doesn’t want Elise to continue on a downward spiral and that’s why she won’t let it go. When Elise was cleaning up after their fight, she stopped and took notice of how many empty bottles there were, when she might have breezed right past it without Brenda’s words in mind. And this is important: It’s Brenda that Elise goes to for help, it’s Brenda who she still trusts because she knows that when Brenda said “with love, compassion and the spirit of true sisterhood,” she meant it. Everyone needs this friend who’s not afraid to tell you the truth and then help you deal with it. I tend to call this the Miranda friend, after Sex and the City, but we can go with Brenda friend too. We’ve seen all too frequently what happens to public figures who surround themselves with yes men and lose touch with reality, so why chance it ourselves? While the truth may hurt sometimes, it’s necessary to hear and a true friend will use it to help you instead of hurt you.

-Maggie

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Walk, Walk, Fashion Baby – The Best of Louis Tomlinson in 2016 (So Far)

Posted by Maggie

When it comes to the boys of One Direction, Harry tends to get most of the attention/love fashion wise (exhibit A), and yes, with good reason:

MICKEY AND MINNIE DAD SHIRT REALNESS LET US LIVE HARRY.

But it’s high time we took a closer look at Louis Tomlinson, whose management-crafted public image would have you believe that he’s a super straight, laddy bro pal Adidas enthusiast who doesn’t care much about fit or fashion.

 
A concept: Away from stage wear and Adidas promo, Louis is a secret baby fashionista. Listen, no disrespect to stage wear and Adidas, the combined force of which is responsible for this look:

The classic track jackets can stay.

But they’re not the whole story. His style is so much more varied and interesting on closer look. Harry’s sense of fashion lives out loud, but Louis’ developed a look that’s lowkey and more accessible, yet still stands on its own. I think Louis has great taste and has always paid closer attention to fashion than he lets on. When he told Giuliana Rancic on the red carpet at the AMAs last year that he didn’t know who designed his subtly sparkly suit, this was all I could think:

I’m onto you, Louis. And after you see my favorite 16 Louis looks of 2016 so far, you will be too.

1) The Starbucks Run Bomber Jacket (June 15)

Look at this coy baby in his $1,100 designer jacket. He looks so good and he knows it and I love it.

This look is so streamlined and effective. Classic jacket paired with a simple white tee and (cuffed) blue jeans, which alone are striking because he tends toward black skinnies. And the green of the tennies somehow doesn’t fight with the brown of the jacket. I’ll be the first to tell you, I’m not big on brown but he pulls it off (he can pull off light brown too, my god). He’s like a modern-day, non-emo James Dean strutting down the Starbucks pap walk catwalk. He should use this collage on his go-sees.

Kim: I just have to butt in and say this is my FAVORITE Louis look of the year so far and probably in my top Louis looks of ALL TIME so thank you for leading with it. It’s been my home screen since June 15 and I can’t see myself changing it any time soon. Who the hell does he think he is just working the sidewalk like this? Let me live, Louis.

2) It’s a Gucci Sweatshirt (June 3) 

Louis is buzzin’ in this bee-appliqued Gucci sweatshirt and I AM SCREAMING. Don’t tell me he doesn’t care about designers because he’s incorporated this major one into his aesthetic perfectly. And if it just so happens to be from the line that is clearly inspired by Harry’s tattoos, well that’s none of our business.

I think the fan photo above is so cute, but this one is too:

NOUIS IS SO PURE. Also A+ photobomb, my dude.

3) The Blue Button Down in Monaco (May 28) 

As opposed to Harry in all his half-unbuttoned glory, Louis demurely buttons his shirts all the way up. Like every time. I don’t know why, but I find this so endearing in the midst of sheer shirts and slouchy tanks that show off his collarbones. This particular dark blue looks amazing with his eyes and skin tone, I have such heart eyes for it.

4) This Fucking Jacket (March 30)

This bitch loves jackets, and he tends to splurge on them (this one was a mere $1,200) which I love. He does wear a lot of tees and hoodies that many fans could afford or afford to imitate, but jackets are important and Louis treats himself. (Stars, they’re just like us.) I can’t really discuss this jacket coherently, it is so much. When I first saw pics, I felt like it was so unexpected for him and yet not really? It’s pushing the envelope, but in a really chill way.

5) Gray Jumper, Sun Kissed Fringe (January 29) 

Bonus: Ankles Out

I’m dead.

And guys, this is not a fluke, his jumper game is so strong. When he came out on stage for my OTRA show with sweater paws, I almost didn’t make it. Look how good he looks in mod black and white. I just.

Kim: There is an AMAZING Larry Fic called “In This Light” where Louis is a breakout pop star and Harry is brought in to be his stylist. Lou’s team wants to laddy-lad him up while Louis just wants to wear his favorite Burberry Purple Jumper and it is a LOT. The whole story is a love letter to Louis and his sense of style and it makes me HELLA emo. Lou had an especially amazing run of jumpers in January (Maggie totally picked the best one though) and all I could think of was that fic. Every time he was pictured in a new one, I shouted “JUST LET HIM WEAR HIS PURPLE JUMPER” to Maggie and Sage. And then there’s this excerpt…

“What would you wear today, if you could choose anything you wanted?” Harry asks. “We won’t find out, will we?” Louis replies.
He smiles while he says it, and Harry doesn’t say anything, but the non-answer hangs thick in the air. Harry thinks about Simon and about manipulation and control. He thinks about Louis’ bright and bouncy energy and about vibrant colour. He wonders who the first person was to tell Louis he was too much, to ask Louis to tone himself down. And he wonders whether, by knowingly dressing Louis down, he is any different than that person.

*SOBS* THAT’S SO FUCKING REAL.

6) Skeleton Tee and Boyfriend Jeans (April 21)

I almost don’t think this look should work, or maybe that I shouldn’t like it? I’m not typically one for such a washed-out denim, or denim paired with black denim, but I think he looks great here. And I would be remiss if I didn’t shout out the skeleton graphic. For the uninitiated, this might sound tin hat-y, but there’s a lot of support for the theory that Louis uses his clothes to communicate with his fans. And the skeleton/skull motif is a big part of that; fans can link probably a dozen shirts this year to his appearances in news cycles. (I’m not doing the work for you, you can use tumblr.) The most notable example is this shirt he wore for America’s Got Talent promo, the words on which coincidentally seem like commentary on Simon Cowell, but don’t mind me over here being bitter much. (Update: As we go to press, he’s at it again.)

Okay, I know we’re already in this midst of a side note but SIDE NOTE, the blue suit from the AGT appearance didn’t make the cut for this post. You have to get up pretty early to beat the blue suit from Louis’ mum’s wedding, sorry not sorry, although the shopping trip for AGT is the gift that keeps on giving.

7) The Winter Jacket and Guitar Case (January 10)

I am living for this winter jacket and the guitar case makes me the just the tiniest bit swoon-y. Singer-songwriters, man. Fuck. For the record, I’ve never looked this good at an airport in my life and he makes it look so easy. God.

8) Black V-Neck Realness (February 20)

 
Look at him slaying in basic black, you guys. He looks amazing. Always the slightly rolled sleeve to show off the guns, always a slight cuff to the skinnies because you tell a man by his ankles. And what’s that you say, this is faux black v-neck realness?

That just slays me harder.

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Rose Petals: a Veteran, a Newbie, and a Conscientious Objector Watch The Bachelorette Finale

Posted by Kim, Maggie, Kelsey, and Sage

Sage: How the hell is it gonna take three hours to give away one rose and why did I volunteer for this? Actually I know why. It’s because reading Maggie, Kim, and Kelsey’s hilarious commentary has given me Bachelorette knowledge I never wanted and now need to burn off. Let’s do this.
Maggie: I feel like I’ve seen this promo of her sobbing a hundred times. Guys, I hate when Jojo cries.
Kim: You’re gonna hate this episode then…

Maggie: Ohh I forgot there was a studio audience for this finale part and not just After the Rose. (Newbie alert.)
Kim: The whole cutting to the studio audience is so fucking stupid. I mean they are just there to watch the episode and provide whatever expressions the stage manager prompts them to.

Maggie: “Someone get him a meat tray, now.” BLESS. Chad’s really the gift that keeps on giving, isn’t he?
Sage: Chad’s goatee gets more and more Satan-like every time I see him.
Kim: It DOES. It like…gets darker every time we see him? ANYWAY WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT CHAD ON JOJO’S NIGHT? LIKE I GET WE ARE PROMOTING A TELEVISION SHOW BUT THERE IS NO WAY CHAD STICKS AROUND FOR MORE THAN TWO EPISODES OF BACHELOR IN PARADISE, SORRY. (WOW CAPSLOCK.)
Maggie: He’s stealing her thunder when he should be afraid to even borrow it. And seriously, he MUST flame out early on BIP.
Kim: I would say it’s because no self respecting woman will touch him with a ten foot pole but then I forgot we’re talking about former Bachelor contestants so never mind.
Maggie: HAHAHAHAHA
Kim: YA BURNT.
Maggie: JUST LIKE ROBBY’S MEATLOAF.
Kim: Making jokes before the joke happens. HIGH FIVE.

Sage: Human Cabbage Patch Ben is fucking there?! Seriously, I get why they invited him, but this is cruel. Though, if JoJo picks who she should pick, she could be getting engaged to a hotter guy tonight and that’s definitely something you want your ex to see.
Maggie: I hope everyone in the studio audience glares at Ben every time it comes up that JoJo hasn’t said I love you to either Robby (barf) or Jordan yet.
Kim: Well we’ve got to promote Ben and Lauren’s show about how happy and loved up they are. Meanwhile, I just look at Lauren and feel like she’s giving off major “Don’t fucking touch me” vibes towards Ben. *sips tea*
Maggie: I feel like a major rule of thumb should be not to end your reality show title WITH A FUCKING QUESTION MARK. Bethenny Getting Married? Well, Guess Who’s Divorced Now? They are ASKING for it. Jesus.

Kim: Find me a good Bethenny Getting Married gif. Maggie: Does a picture of her peeing in a bucket in her wedding dress work?


Same, Bethenny.

Sage: “When I’m with Robby, I think of Jordan. When I’m with Jordan, in the back of my mind, I’m thinking of Robby.” Well girl, I can think of at least one solution for that problem. (FIND A THREESOME GIF, KIM, PLEASE.)
Kim: *is terrified of searching for a threesome gif* *has idea* I am sure this is what you had in mind right?

LOOK AT LITTLE BB HARRY AND NIALL AND LOUIS.

Sage: I am not nuts about this black sack dress. Fortunately, JoJo makes two costume changes in that one voiceover alone.
Kim: I feel like some of those were rompers? I couldn’t quite tell, which you know upsets me because I love a good romper. Also her sense of style is SO hit or miss with me.

Sage: My family would not be down for this. It amuses me to imagine them taking these ludicrous sit-downs seriously.
Kim: Same. Though I actually think my mom would have a good old time with it. Especially if the cocktails flowed freely.
Kelsey: JoJo’s mom is my favorite. Remember last season when she drank straight out the wine bottle during Ben’s visit to her hometown?
Kim: I mean how else do you get through an evening with Ben Higgins?
Maggie: HER MOM LOVES A CUTOUT TOO, GUYS.
Kim: So it’s hereditary.

Sage: I’m with Maggie. Jordan’s hair swoop DOES get me overwhelmed. Also nice transition from parent greeting to bro hug.
Kim: His hair has definitely grown on me over the course of the season. I think the humidity in Thailand has done wonders for it.

Maggie: “She IS my best friend” *squeeeeeeeeeeee*
Sage: “We like to give it back and forth to each other.” They share that really.
Kim: SOMEONE wants the Mario Kart gifs and SOMEONE is going to get them.

 
 
Maggie: The whole asking the dad thing isn’t that cute. Colin didn’t talk to my dad before and it was FYNE. THIS however is cute, the whole hat thing, he’s going to fit with her family well, I think.
Sage: I was like “YES, JORDAN, BUY THEIR LOVE.” But then his presents were a joke and then he explained that joke into oblivion. See, the pretty boys never had to learn to be funny.
Kim: You could SEE Jordan deflating and going “Oh shit I should have just brought a bottle of wine” the longer he explained the gag.

Kelsey: I respect mom’s skepticism of Jordan.
Kim: She does NOT like him.
Maggie: I LIKE JORDAN.
Kim: I had no idea, Maggie.
Maggie: I don’t think I’ve mentioned that.
Sage: Mrs. JoJo was totally the mom who told her daughter that every boy who was shitty to her as a child was just being mean because he had a crush on her. (Also go easy on the highlighter next time, Mrs. JoJo.)

Kelsey: JoJo’s fam seems VERY in tune with trust issues. My family would have no idea what my issues are in a relationship, you know?
Maggie: They are all WAY TOO INVESTED, it’s like a family issue that she doesn’t have a husband and when the mom said she doesn’t want to talk about JoJo’s broken heart at the dinner table? I am 100% sure she means it LITERALLY because that is ALL THEY DO
Kim: She’s in her EARLY 20’s, SLOW YOUR ROLL FLETCHER FAMILY. Except wait, I forgot. They are from Texas. She’s an old maid.

Sage: The episode’s first mention of getting dad’s permission to propose and I already have a rage headache. The thing is, I really do think JoJo is better than this. Was this drama concocted to obscure an otherwise super obvious ending?
Kelsey: Jordan doesn’t ask for her hand in marriage. Dannnnnggggg. But, if I was in his boat, it’d be hard, too.
Maggie: Oh but they haven’t aired JoJo saying the dad convo is important to her, have they?? I thought it was all him. And now I can’t really tell what shook his confidence and why he didn’t do the asking for the hand in marriage (barf) thing.
Kim: I could not IMAGINE someone I had known for 2 months (during which we’ve gone on 3 dates by ourselves) looking my father in the eye and SERIOUSLY asking to marry me. I feel like my Dad would LAUGH at him. I mean my Dad would ALSO laugh cause he would know that I would be pissed off that he knew I was getting engaged before I did. IDK the whole “asking dad’s permission thing” skeeves me out as much as the Dads dictating what kind of wedding dress his daughter is allowed to wear on Say Yes to the Dress.
Maggie: DOES THAT ACTUALLY HAPPEN I HAVEN’T WATCHED IN YEARS.
Kim: YES. And some dads get very aggressive about how much cleavage his daughter is ALLOWED to show.
Maggie: That’s disgusting.
Kim: ALLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWED.
Maggie: DOES RANDY LET THEM DO THAT?
Kim: Sometimes he has no choice.

Maggie: Ugh, Robby.
Sage: Guys, I don’t…how is this the other guy.
Kim: Welcome to our hell, Sage.
Sage: Robby supposedly comes the day after, but this is really like 10 minutes and a costume change after Jordan left, right?
Kim: I actually DO think they spread this one out over 2 days. I can’t confirm though.

Kelsey: Robby is wooing her fam. Ugh. He’s such a schmooze, ya know? Like, I’m sure he’s a PRO at meeting parents. I am, too, so I get it, but he seems like he knows the game.
Maggie: He’s just so fucking GLIB. UGH. ROBBY.
Sage: “What did you see about JoJo that attracts you?’ “Well, m’am, she was the only girl there.”
Kim: God, he’s pouring it on thick.
Maggie: “She’s smart and intelligent, that’s a no brainer” UGH ROBBY.
Sage: Robby has a Yogi Berra-esque way with words. In that he doesn’t know that all the ones he’s saying mean.
Kim: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Maggie: Jojo, he’s CONNING you, he knows you want to feel cherished and adored. He’s SO FAKE.

Sage: Robby sleeps in a tanning booth. Tanning booth vampire.
Kim: He is the living embodiment of the Ken Doll from Toy Story.

Maggie: JoJo, he’s CONNING you, he knows you want to feel cherished and adored. He’s SO FAKE.
Sage: I’m dying of TMI-related second-hand embarrassment. And I get the feeling that her brothers’ love lives weren’t a topic of dinner table conversation as often as JoJo’s.
Maggie: He’s going to build his life around her? What about his busy former competitive swimmer schedule?
Kim: IDK Maggie, it seems like he’s REALLY busy.

Sage: No fun, say the brothers. No fun in marriage. Just kids, house, and husband. She’s picking Jordan, I fucking know it.
Kim: I am so let down by her brothers. They were so vocal with Ben and here they are just like SOMEONE PLEASE MARRY HER AND KNOCK HER UP.
Sage: “She was raised as a princess.” GROSS.
Maggie: I just hate what a family concern it is that she finds love, I feel like it would be this way if she was never on these shows. I mean, obviously it’s something she wants but also like take a breath, girl. You’re what, 24? You have your whole life ahead of you, heal some more after this one bad breakup and focus on yourself.

Kelsey: WHOA JoJo’s dad tells Robby that she loves him? BE COOL DAD. GOD.
Sage: Mom doesn’t get to give permission, just to watch her husband give it. It’s like concentric circles of horrific gender politics are all happening at the same time.
Maggie: It’s nice to include this mother in this barfy talk with the dad stuff but it feels so slimy, it’s a con, it doesn’t feel genuine, it’s all calculated.
Kim: Remember George’s inner monologue in Father of the Bride where he feels like Brian is giving Nina the “How to grease up your future mother-in-law” speech? That’s what’s happening right here, right now.
Sage: Mrs. JoJo is trying so hard to cry right now. She told that stupid Botox doctor SPECIFICALLY that she needed to cry this week.
Kelsey: “You can’t but want someone like Robby for your daughter.” Ew.
Kim: Tell that to Hope’s family.

Actual picture of the Fletchers.

Kelsey: Dad describes Robby as a “logical” choice.
Maggie: LOVE ISN’T LOGICAL, JOJO’S DAD.
Sage: Am I insane or did Robby and Jordan have the same conversation with the parents? And yet Robby apparently made a much stronger impression. Or the misdirection continues, because come on, this isn’t even a competition.
Kim: I think Robby may have just used his words better because he studied the script and learned his lines.
Maggie: Robby exudes that intent because HE’S PLAYING ALL OF YOU.

Kelsey: JoJo is so pissed that Jordan didn’t ask for dad’s blessing. Because she wants him.
Sage: “That’s a very clear thing that you ask someone’s father.” Maybe in the baby-Bachelorette farms in Texas, boo-boo, not in the real world.
Kim: Her reaction when her family show doubts about Jordan makes EVERYTHING so clear. She essentially digs her heels in and has a temper tantrum because they aren’t affirming her favorite.
Maggie: Side note: AS THE YOUNGEST, I love how you can tell JoJo is too by the way she flips out when her family says anything bad. I have been that family member.

Actual picture of JoJo when her family was anti-Jordan.

Maggie: Who is this random girl who hasn’t said a word on the couch, does Jojo have a sister I forgot about? Is she a sister-in-law??
Kim: Sister apparently. WHO DOESN’T TALK ONLY SITS AND JUDGES SILENTLY.
Sage: What’s the deal with this sister character? She has really nailed the silent nod. My head canon is that she’s the black sheep feminist of the family and only agreed to go on the show if she didn’t have to speak. This is next Bachelorette material right here. I would watch the shit out of that.
Maggie: I was so confused by the awkward silent sister and this made it infinity better. I really got my clarity, you guys.

Sage: On a scale of 1-10000, how much do you think this pedi-cab driver hates the spoiled whites in the back who are whining about needed a vacation from their vacation?
Kim: Infinity.

Sage: Robby’s hair still hasn’t moved, not even in the wind.
Maggie: He ducked his head underwater and his scoop of hair was intact later for his into the mike (RIGHT KIM IS THAT WHAT WE CALL IT?) and chilling on the beach.
Kim: Aw, look at you learning the jargon, Marshmallow. (It’s “mic” not “mike” but I’ll let that slide.) AND SERIOUSLY WITH THE PLASTIC HAIR. I DON’T GET IT.

Kelsey: Did the camera people make them kiss underwater? Seems uncomfortable. Once your mouth is open, water rushes in.
Kim: Nothing about kissing underwater is romantic to me for that very reason. Literally the only time I bought it was in Baz’s Romeo + Juliet and that was because they fell INTO the swimming pool kissing and it wasn’t salt water.
Maggie: Oh man, there’s a scene in Whip It where there’s so much making out and getting out of clothes underwater and all I can think when I see it is how much upper body strength for swimming that I do not have.

 

Kelsey: Are they FINALLY going to discuss their life’s logistics? Nope, just a fantasy. Overcooked the meatloaf, did you not have a timer? Ugh.
Maggie: This dreaming of overcooking the meatloaf makes me vomit too. He’s talking about playing house, that’s not real life.
Kim: IS ROBBY FROM 1955? WHAT THE HELL KIND OF FANTASY IS THIS?
Kelsey: “Faint noise of kids” have you ever met a kid before? You think it’ll just be a faint noise while you’re sipping wine letting dinner burn? Moron.
Sage: Oh, Robby is digging his own grave here. JoJo is like, “you have to be the cook” when he mentions the meatloaf baking in their future kitchen and he PLOWS past that statement without acknowledging it.
Kim: NICE CATCH ON THAT SAGE.
Sage: Also he wants her pregnant YESTERDAY, so like. Grab your coconut and get out of there, JoJo. Shut it down.

Sage: There’s more heavy petting on this show than I expected. America won’t like it if you don’t act like daddy’s property to lend, but by all means, they love it when you grind onto a dude’s dick in public.
Kim: IT MAKES ME SO UNCOMFORTABLE. I get very hung up on the logistics of the fact that he most DEFINITELY has a boner and like WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THAT THING YOU ARE ON CAMERA. I mean I guess you could always go naked paddleboarding like Orlando Bloom.
Maggie: WHICH PS APPARENTLY TMZ HAS NOT COVERED (NO PUN INTENDED) BUT THEY DID RUN THOSE PHOTOS OF DANIELLE AFTER LOUIS “TOOK HER TOP OFF”.
Kim: Feels good, feels organic. #EndIt

Maggie: Wait do they get another sex date?
Kim: One would think, but no.

Maggie: HE SAID JO AGAIN I HATE HIM SO MUCH YOU GUYS.
Sage: Are you fucking kidding me with these slippers?
Maggie: The “I love you” that early on was such a red flag, how are we discussing it any other way AM I TAKING CRAZY PILLS?
Kim: You are not. HE IS TOO MUCH. It makes me want to run far far away.
Sage: Robby says he dreams of hitting 18 holes with the guys and then blowing JoJo’s phone up. To remind her to make him a meatloaf, probably.
Kim: He TOTALLY is the type to think of his wife as the “little woman” who should have a perfectly made Manhattan and a foot massage waiting for him when he gets home from golf. Agree?
Maggie: AGREE. Also did she say “heart of gold” because I’m offended on Harry Styles’ behalf if so.
Kim: He’ll never have boots to match though.

Harry: Aw, thanks guys, I love you too. Let’s do brunch and gossip.

Sage: Being stabbed with a dirty knife would be less painful than a guy giving me a love scrapbook.
Kim: “Here are some publicity stills to remind us of our journey, Joelle.”
Maggie: That would be the weird part about dating on this show, you can’t just take a damn selfie together or anything, so he presents you screenshots from the show you’re filming to sway your mind before the final rose.
Kim: This whole trend of giving the Bachelor/Bachelorette presents on the last date makes me cringe SO HARD. Do they have arts and crafts sessions? Who is the poor intern who gets stuck making these “gifts” because it sure as hell isn’t the contestants.

Maggie: YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THAN ROBBY, JOELLE. (See, I full named Jojo because she should go to her room and think about her choices, not because I’m angling to seem closer to her than I am.)
Kim: I love that Robby is STILL of the mind that JoJo will be telling him that she loves him tonight and then he has the nerve to be disappointed when she doesn’t.
Maggie: Oh NOW Robby remembers that she was heartbroken when Ben told more than one girl he loved her when he was saying “best case scenario was Jojo says I love you AT MOTHERFUCKING HOMETOWNS” UGH ROBBY.
Kim: Also after the drama at his hometown, did he REALLY think she would drop it then? Naw, son.

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Rose Petals: a Newbie and a Veteran Watch The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All

Posted by Kim and Maggie

AKA Men are So Catty, the Semi-Live version. Let’s do this.

Maggie: “My man, Luke Pell!” That’s the first time James Taylor hasn’t made me want to vomit, honestly.
Kim: James Taylor was made for these kind of reunion shows, honestly.

Maggie: THE CHAD BEAR RETURNS. YAS THE DRAMA IS MY PERSONAL BRAND OF HEROIN, GUYS.
Kim: GOD this whole set-up is ridiculous from Chad Bear in all black to the whole fake segregation thing. Did they ACTUALLY keep him separate in his own trailer? I doubt it. However, I love this shit. Pass the popcorn.

Maggie: Side note, after years of watching Bravo reunions, it’s weird to me that there’s a studio audience for this. I can’t even imagine how that would go with Housewives. Or Vanderpump Rules, god forbid.
Kim: Having ALWAYS watched these the concept of no live audience boggles my mind. Is the situation too volatile over at Bravo? Or just too heavily edited? Enlighten me.
Maggie: I don’t know how pretty it would be for Bravolebrities to feed off an audience’s energy for 12 hours of filming??
Kim: All of them are Chads is what you are saying, yes?
Maggie: Mostly, yes.
Kim: Gotcha.
Maggie: Chris Harrison is no Andy Cohen, either.
Kim: AGREED.

Maggie: AND CUE CHAD EATING.
Kim: His very own meat plate, just for him.

Maggie: “Yes, ladies, Luke is here.” Next Bachelor?
Kim: Yes, I think so. Both Luke and Chase had very dramatic exits which sets up the whole redemption/he deserves to find love arc but it seems like the audience is responding more to Luke. I’m going to need him to bring a LITTLE more personality next season though.
Maggie: Just like ANY emotion behind the eyes, please and thank you.

Maggie: I love the lady in the audience nodding at the fact that Robby and Jordan are total opposites. Okay, maybe I can get used to this.
Kim: Either everyone in this audience is a plant playing along with a pre-approved script or they actually find the people who completely believe that all this shit is real. I don’t know which option troubles me more.
Maggie: My best guess is some combination of the two, plus Vinny’s mom.

Maggie: Me every time I see a Bachelor in Paradise promo:

Kim: You have no idea how accurate that gif is, Marshmallow.
Maggie: #OhNoMarshmallow

Maggie: “I’ve had so much protein!” Drunk Chian singing. This is me whenever I’m in the groove of eating well.
Kim: I have to point out you originally typed “Chiam” which is just a reminder that THAT is still supposedly a thing. Which makes me dead inside.
Maggie: Just like the light in Liam’s eyes.

Maggie: “Fuck you, Chris Harrison!” WAIT GUYS AM I CHAD?
Kim: I think we are all Chad in that moment. Also REALLY how long is he going to be on BIP if he is this volatile? Like what woman is ACTUALLY going to want to hook up with this neanderthal? I mean I know we all have caveman fantasies sometimes, ladies, but have some respect for yourself.
Maggie: He’s not even that hot AND he hogs all the food.
Kim: And not in a cute “JOEY DOESN’T SHARE FOOD” way.

Maggie: What is this show??????? I don’t???
Kim: It is SUCH a hot mess, Maggie, I can’t wait for you to watch it.
Maggie: Jared? Jarrett? He pretty.
Kim: Jared. He was quite the desirable property last season on BIP. He got tangled up with crybaby Ashley and it was…not pretty. She was cray cray but he was a bit of a douche about it cause he was clearly enjoying getting his ding-dang played with until someone more stable came along. LIKE I SAID THIS SHOW WILL GIVE YOU AN STD WATCH IT WHILST COVERED IN A BODY CONDOM.

Kim: Time to bring out JoJo’s men. FINALLY.
Maggie: I forgot the Bachelor superfan EXISTED.
Kim: These shows are always fun for the moments where you go OH THAT GUY HE WAS ON THIS SHOW RIGHT.
Maggie: ALI EYEBROWS.
Kim: Still looking FINE, I might add.
Maggie: Oh, right, Santa. OH THE KILT GUY.
Kim: See what I mean? I don’t remember half of these assholes. The fun part will be seeing which guy who had the least amount of screentime will try to draw the most attention to himself.

Maggie: I don’t want to hear this sex criminal hair weasel talk, ugh.
Kim: Shout out to our Nashville insider that confirmed that Evan is as insufferable IRL as he was on the show.
Maggie: BOOTS ON THE GROUND.
Kim: I don’t know what that means.
Maggie: Ah, sorry. That’s a thing on that Housewives podcast that I listen to. BUT IT APPLIES.
Kim: Okay I trust you.
Maggie: See you and me are just watching, but our insider has boots on the ground and is reporting back.
Kim: OH MY GOD IT’S LIKE WE ARE LIVING HAMILTON WITH A SPY ON THE INSIDE.

Maggie: JoJo: hot as a burning car, thanks show, got it.
Kim: It’s not The Bachelorette without some heavy-handed sexist metaphors.

Maggie: “Evan, stop talking.” I THINK I’M CHAD, OH MY GOD.
Kim: To get Freudian, Chad is totally the Id of this show. And it works but JESUS CHRIST it’s exhausting the way he NEVER employs a filter.

Maggie: SMOL IN AN OVERSIZED CHAIR BLESS.
Kim: HI SMOL REGINA GEORGE I ALMOST MISSED YOU.

Maggie: Okay, what I’m gathering from this montage is they had a lot of Grant footage that they didn’t use and I am pissed.
Kim: This is truly upsetting. He better be the STAR of Bachelor in Paradise or I will riot.

Maggie: CLIQUE-TERVENTION
Kim: Look the clique was the greatest thing about this season. Sorry for all the suckers on the outside, but you know I speak the truth. Side note, Sage and I went to see the VERY man heavy Troilus and Cressida this weekend and I really wished you were there because MEN ARE SO CATTY. They have ALWAYS been catty, it goes all the way back to the Greeks and the Trojans.
Maggie: I would sit for three hours in the rain for catty men, I swear to God.
Kim: We had no regrets.

Maggie: Oh, shit, Santa, tell us how you really feel.
Kim: And here’s our dude who is gonna make a grab for dramatics even though he got very little screentime.
Maggie: 100%

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Rose Petals: a Newbie and a Veteran Watch The Bachelorette, Week 8

Posted by Kim, Maggie, and Kelsey

Kim: First of all, I have to say I was eating delicious carne asada fries and drinking the BEST frosty margarita in San Diego and my television FOMO still kicked in when Maggie started having a meltdown on twitter. That’s how deep I am in this. AND THEN THE BITCH WOULDN’T TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED.
Maggie: I am mean and wonderful. THAT IS A DIRECT QUOTE FROM YOU.
Kim: It’s true. I DO appreciate your dedication to keeping me pure in this process. Even when I hate you. ANYWAY. Let’s get to it. We pick up RIGHT where we left off last week. WHO IS GOING HOME?

Maggie: I feel so bad for JoJo breaking down especially because the answer is so easy just SEND ROBBY HOME.
Kelsey: Everyone thought he was eliminating himself? Really? Haven’t they felt JoJo & Luke’s chemistry?
Kim: Also, I thought Luke’s hometown went really well? THIS IS SO UNEXPECTED.

Maggie:  JORDAN. MY MAN.
Kim: Not even celebrity brother estrangement can stop this train.

Maggie: NO ROBBY WHAT THE FUCK YOU CAN’T MAKE CHASE BOTTOM 2 AFTER THAT HOMETOWN COME ON.
Kim: I SERIOUSLY don’t understand how she’s asking him to stay, especially after the whole ex-girlfriend debacle. RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE COME ON I AM SORRY. Also YES, Chase’s hometown date was flawless.

Maggie: CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASE YAS OMG THAT WAS STRESS YOU GUYS.
Kelsey: WHOA STICK WITH YOUR GUT, JOJO.
Maggie: I can’t believe she eliminated Luke before fantasy suites, though. I think she’s really, actually, for real trying to find a fiance here.
Kim: I said this in last week’s post but I would have been REAL suspect if Luke’s last-minute confession had swayed her. Not suspect of the show (FOR ONCE) but suspect of JoJo’s convictions.

Kelsey: Luke looks like, totally shocked. Aw.
Kim: He’s completely FLOORED. Like this is the most emotion we’ve ever seen from him?
Maggie: “I wanted to fall in love with you and I never got to see it through” I feel like this means he forced the ILY before he meant it, such a Hail Mary (Hi Jordan, I know football stuff are you proud of meeeeeeeeee)

Maggie: His face is so BLANK even as he says he dreamed about this so much while she’s clinging to him crying.
Kelsey: Okay, I feel like JoJo is looking for Luke to comfort her and part of me is like, ok, you have to be the stronger one in this? You’re making the choice here, and I’m sure it sucks but it’s not fair to ask the person you’re rejecting to comfort you like that?
Kim: Yeah, it’s like she want him to be as devastated as she is but he can’t be since he’s a robot.

Maggie: If he can’t express his feelings in words to JoJo, how is he going to make it as a songwriter????
Kim: Maybe he writes for Ariana Grande since I can’t understand a word out of her mouth anyway.
Maggie:  Is her like baby prostitute kitten vibe compatible with his war veteran promo??
Kim: NO. Which is why the songwriter thing is a SECRET. We solved it.
Maggie: God, we’re smart.

Maggie: Okay she’s still crying but I cannot BELIEVE she called Robby second after Chase’s hometown, that is such bullshit.
Kim: I DON’T GET THE ROBBY THING. I mean, none of us do, I just felt it needed to be said again.

Maggie: He keeps saying this wasn’t supposed to happen and the way he’s saying it makes me think maybe a producer was in his ear about him staying.
Kim: Oooooh he totally got Rachel-ed. HE’S SO FLABBERGASTED I can’t get over it.
Kelsey: Aw, this is the most I’ve ever liked Luke, though, tbh. I didn’t even like watching that.
Kim: It was definitely tough. These last few cuts always are cause now FAMILIES are in it. Which is why I would want to be cut right before hometowns.
Maggie: I hate seeing JoJo second guess herself when she’s trying so hard to do the right thing.

First date: Robby

Maggie: Thailand, okay, here we go. Ugh, Robby.
Kim: I always wonder how they determine who goes when. WHY IS HE FIRST?

Kelsey: “She hasn’t told me she loves me yet” Get the fuck over it, Robby, it’s not happening.
Kim: Seriously. After what happened with Ben, why does Robby think JoJo would ACTUALLY be dropping any L-Bombs to anyone’s face? It’s not going to happen. STOP TRYING TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.

Maggie: But seriously, what hair products does he use??
Kim: HIS HAIR NEVER MOVES. It’s like Ken Doll hair.

Maggie: See, the jump the gun “I love you” wouldn’t have made me feel safe to open up to Robby, it would have freaked me the fuck out. I’m just saying.
Kim: Are we forgetting that he LITERALLY just broke up with someone? I want to reach into my TV and smack her upside the head.

Actual picture of Robby.

Kelsey: So what I’ve noticed about Robby and JoJo is that their kissing doesn’t really seem to have much passion? IDK maybe I just want to think that.
Kim: There’s no heat there whatsoever. I mean I think there is from HIS side but she’s just like “Meh, okay.” At least that’s how I see it.
Maggie: I don’t like Robby’s serious conversation face. I don’t like Robby’s face. I don’t like Robby.

Maggie: We liked Robby’s dad though, right?
Kim: We DID.
Kelsey: “I love your family” -JoJo, the irony
Maggie: Do we think Robby forged the note?
Kim: I wouldn’t be surprised.

Maggie: I’m so grossed out, you guys.
Kelsey: I don’t have much to say about Robby because I’m just not feeling it.
Kim: I ALWAYS zone out on Robby dates. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ…

Kelsey: Ew I hope they don’t have sex.
Kim: They will. This whole “taking the next step” talk is code for “we’re gonna bang tonight”. Any time they say “intimacy,” my skin crawls.
Kelsey: And I HATE when he calls her Joelle.
Maggie: He needs to stop saying Joelle. She goes by Jojo, but we all know it’s Joelle, you’re not like proving any point by saying Joelle okay.

Maggie: I’m so upset. There’s no way you can trust this guy, I’M SORRY.
Kelsey: I think he just makes her feel like reallllllllly wanted and loved and pursued? But I don’t think she has the passion for him.
Kim: I think that’s exactly it, Kelsey. There’s something to be said about being the ADORED one in a relationship? (I wouldn’t know but I suppose there is. Hey-oooooooooooooooo this just got dark.)

Maggie: I like how her hair’s in a messy bun but his perfectly coiffed swoop is intact.
Kelsey: They wake up and Robby’s hair is still in the poof? WHAT. HOW. What kind of product is he using?
Kim: KEN DOLL HAIR.

Also an actual picture of Robby.

Kelsey: WAIT SHE KNOWS SHE LOVES HIM? NOOOOOOOOOO.
Maggie: STOP SAYING YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH HIM, JOELLE
Kim: DO NOT WANT.

Date two: Jordan

Maggie: JORDAN. Goddamn do I prefer this swoop of hair. What a palate cleanser.
Kim: He uses the PERFECT amount of product to where it’s obviously styled but it’s not plastered to his head. I approve.
Kelsey: Why does she look so cute with her hair messily pulled back? I’m rocking the same style and look like a mess.

Maggie: They’re so CUTE and AFFECTIONATE.
Kelsey: Their greeting was more passionate than Robby & JoJo’s date.
Kim: It’s almost like she’s genuinely happy to see him.

Maggie: They have such a great dynamic for a physical activity like this, I actually believe they had fun and weren’t miserable in that heat.
Kelsey: Them talking about not being able to kiss in the temple.. passion is thereeeeeeee.
Maggie: Yeah, keep it in your pants until the fantasy suite, girl.

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