Rose Petals: a Veteran, a Newbie, and a Conscientious Objector Watch The Bachelorette Finale

Posted by Kim, Maggie, Kelsey, and Sage

Sage: How the hell is it gonna take three hours to give away one rose and why did I volunteer for this? Actually I know why. It’s because reading Maggie, Kim, and Kelsey’s hilarious commentary has given me Bachelorette knowledge I never wanted and now need to burn off. Let’s do this.
Maggie: I feel like I’ve seen this promo of her sobbing a hundred times. Guys, I hate when Jojo cries.
Kim: You’re gonna hate this episode then…

Maggie: Ohh I forgot there was a studio audience for this finale part and not just After the Rose. (Newbie alert.)
Kim: The whole cutting to the studio audience is so fucking stupid. I mean they are just there to watch the episode and provide whatever expressions the stage manager prompts them to.

Maggie: “Someone get him a meat tray, now.” BLESS. Chad’s really the gift that keeps on giving, isn’t he?
Sage: Chad’s goatee gets more and more Satan-like every time I see him.
Kim: It DOES. It like…gets darker every time we see him? ANYWAY WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT CHAD ON JOJO’S NIGHT? LIKE I GET WE ARE PROMOTING A TELEVISION SHOW BUT THERE IS NO WAY CHAD STICKS AROUND FOR MORE THAN TWO EPISODES OF BACHELOR IN PARADISE, SORRY. (WOW CAPSLOCK.)
Maggie: He’s stealing her thunder when he should be afraid to even borrow it. And seriously, he MUST flame out early on BIP.
Kim: I would say it’s because no self respecting woman will touch him with a ten foot pole but then I forgot we’re talking about former Bachelor contestants so never mind.
Maggie: HAHAHAHAHA
Kim: YA BURNT.
Maggie: JUST LIKE ROBBY’S MEATLOAF.
Kim: Making jokes before the joke happens. HIGH FIVE.

Sage: Human Cabbage Patch Ben is fucking there?! Seriously, I get why they invited him, but this is cruel. Though, if JoJo picks who she should pick, she could be getting engaged to a hotter guy tonight and that’s definitely something you want your ex to see.
Maggie: I hope everyone in the studio audience glares at Ben every time it comes up that JoJo hasn’t said I love you to either Robby (barf) or Jordan yet.
Kim: Well we’ve got to promote Ben and Lauren’s show about how happy and loved up they are. Meanwhile, I just look at Lauren and feel like she’s giving off major “Don’t fucking touch me” vibes towards Ben. *sips tea*
Maggie: I feel like a major rule of thumb should be not to end your reality show title WITH A FUCKING QUESTION MARK. Bethenny Getting Married? Well, Guess Who’s Divorced Now? They are ASKING for it. Jesus.

Kim: Find me a good Bethenny Getting Married gif. Maggie: Does a picture of her peeing in a bucket in her wedding dress work?


Same, Bethenny.

Sage: “When I’m with Robby, I think of Jordan. When I’m with Jordan, in the back of my mind, I’m thinking of Robby.” Well girl, I can think of at least one solution for that problem. (FIND A THREESOME GIF, KIM, PLEASE.)
Kim: *is terrified of searching for a threesome gif* *has idea* I am sure this is what you had in mind right?

LOOK AT LITTLE BB HARRY AND NIALL AND LOUIS.

Sage: I am not nuts about this black sack dress. Fortunately, JoJo makes two costume changes in that one voiceover alone.
Kim: I feel like some of those were rompers? I couldn’t quite tell, which you know upsets me because I love a good romper. Also her sense of style is SO hit or miss with me.

Sage: My family would not be down for this. It amuses me to imagine them taking these ludicrous sit-downs seriously.
Kim: Same. Though I actually think my mom would have a good old time with it. Especially if the cocktails flowed freely.
Kelsey: JoJo’s mom is my favorite. Remember last season when she drank straight out the wine bottle during Ben’s visit to her hometown?
Kim: I mean how else do you get through an evening with Ben Higgins?
Maggie: HER MOM LOVES A CUTOUT TOO, GUYS.
Kim: So it’s hereditary.

Sage: I’m with Maggie. Jordan’s hair swoop DOES get me overwhelmed. Also nice transition from parent greeting to bro hug.
Kim: His hair has definitely grown on me over the course of the season. I think the humidity in Thailand has done wonders for it.

Maggie: “She IS my best friend” *squeeeeeeeeeeee*
Sage: “We like to give it back and forth to each other.” They share that really.
Kim: SOMEONE wants the Mario Kart gifs and SOMEONE is going to get them.

 
 
Maggie: The whole asking the dad thing isn’t that cute. Colin didn’t talk to my dad before and it was FYNE. THIS however is cute, the whole hat thing, he’s going to fit with her family well, I think.
Sage: I was like “YES, JORDAN, BUY THEIR LOVE.” But then his presents were a joke and then he explained that joke into oblivion. See, the pretty boys never had to learn to be funny.
Kim: You could SEE Jordan deflating and going “Oh shit I should have just brought a bottle of wine” the longer he explained the gag.

Kelsey: I respect mom’s skepticism of Jordan.
Kim: She does NOT like him.
Maggie: I LIKE JORDAN.
Kim: I had no idea, Maggie.
Maggie: I don’t think I’ve mentioned that.
Sage: Mrs. JoJo was totally the mom who told her daughter that every boy who was shitty to her as a child was just being mean because he had a crush on her. (Also go easy on the highlighter next time, Mrs. JoJo.)

Kelsey: JoJo’s fam seems VERY in tune with trust issues. My family would have no idea what my issues are in a relationship, you know?
Maggie: They are all WAY TOO INVESTED, it’s like a family issue that she doesn’t have a husband and when the mom said she doesn’t want to talk about JoJo’s broken heart at the dinner table? I am 100% sure she means it LITERALLY because that is ALL THEY DO
Kim: She’s in her EARLY 20’s, SLOW YOUR ROLL FLETCHER FAMILY. Except wait, I forgot. They are from Texas. She’s an old maid.

Sage: The episode’s first mention of getting dad’s permission to propose and I already have a rage headache. The thing is, I really do think JoJo is better than this. Was this drama concocted to obscure an otherwise super obvious ending?
Kelsey: Jordan doesn’t ask for her hand in marriage. Dannnnnggggg. But, if I was in his boat, it’d be hard, too.
Maggie: Oh but they haven’t aired JoJo saying the dad convo is important to her, have they?? I thought it was all him. And now I can’t really tell what shook his confidence and why he didn’t do the asking for the hand in marriage (barf) thing.
Kim: I could not IMAGINE someone I had known for 2 months (during which we’ve gone on 3 dates by ourselves) looking my father in the eye and SERIOUSLY asking to marry me. I feel like my Dad would LAUGH at him. I mean my Dad would ALSO laugh cause he would know that I would be pissed off that he knew I was getting engaged before I did. IDK the whole “asking dad’s permission thing” skeeves me out as much as the Dads dictating what kind of wedding dress his daughter is allowed to wear on Say Yes to the Dress.
Maggie: DOES THAT ACTUALLY HAPPEN I HAVEN’T WATCHED IN YEARS.
Kim: YES. And some dads get very aggressive about how much cleavage his daughter is ALLOWED to show.
Maggie: That’s disgusting.
Kim: ALLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWED.
Maggie: DOES RANDY LET THEM DO THAT?
Kim: Sometimes he has no choice.

Maggie: Ugh, Robby.
Sage: Guys, I don’t…how is this the other guy.
Kim: Welcome to our hell, Sage.
Sage: Robby supposedly comes the day after, but this is really like 10 minutes and a costume change after Jordan left, right?
Kim: I actually DO think they spread this one out over 2 days. I can’t confirm though.

Kelsey: Robby is wooing her fam. Ugh. He’s such a schmooze, ya know? Like, I’m sure he’s a PRO at meeting parents. I am, too, so I get it, but he seems like he knows the game.
Maggie: He’s just so fucking GLIB. UGH. ROBBY.
Sage: “What did you see about JoJo that attracts you?’ “Well, m’am, she was the only girl there.”
Kim: God, he’s pouring it on thick.
Maggie: “She’s smart and intelligent, that’s a no brainer” UGH ROBBY.
Sage: Robby has a Yogi Berra-esque way with words. In that he doesn’t know that all the ones he’s saying mean.
Kim: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Maggie: Jojo, he’s CONNING you, he knows you want to feel cherished and adored. He’s SO FAKE.

Sage: Robby sleeps in a tanning booth. Tanning booth vampire.
Kim: He is the living embodiment of the Ken Doll from Toy Story.

Maggie: JoJo, he’s CONNING you, he knows you want to feel cherished and adored. He’s SO FAKE.
Sage: I’m dying of TMI-related second-hand embarrassment. And I get the feeling that her brothers’ love lives weren’t a topic of dinner table conversation as often as JoJo’s.
Maggie: He’s going to build his life around her? What about his busy former competitive swimmer schedule?
Kim: IDK Maggie, it seems like he’s REALLY busy.

Sage: No fun, say the brothers. No fun in marriage. Just kids, house, and husband. She’s picking Jordan, I fucking know it.
Kim: I am so let down by her brothers. They were so vocal with Ben and here they are just like SOMEONE PLEASE MARRY HER AND KNOCK HER UP.
Sage: “She was raised as a princess.” GROSS.
Maggie: I just hate what a family concern it is that she finds love, I feel like it would be this way if she was never on these shows. I mean, obviously it’s something she wants but also like take a breath, girl. You’re what, 24? You have your whole life ahead of you, heal some more after this one bad breakup and focus on yourself.

Kelsey: WHOA JoJo’s dad tells Robby that she loves him? BE COOL DAD. GOD.
Sage: Mom doesn’t get to give permission, just to watch her husband give it. It’s like concentric circles of horrific gender politics are all happening at the same time.
Maggie: It’s nice to include this mother in this barfy talk with the dad stuff but it feels so slimy, it’s a con, it doesn’t feel genuine, it’s all calculated.
Kim: Remember George’s inner monologue in Father of the Bride where he feels like Brian is giving Nina the “How to grease up your future mother-in-law” speech? That’s what’s happening right here, right now.
Sage: Mrs. JoJo is trying so hard to cry right now. She told that stupid Botox doctor SPECIFICALLY that she needed to cry this week.
Kelsey: “You can’t but want someone like Robby for your daughter.” Ew.
Kim: Tell that to Hope’s family.

Actual picture of the Fletchers.

Kelsey: Dad describes Robby as a “logical” choice.
Maggie: LOVE ISN’T LOGICAL, JOJO’S DAD.
Sage: Am I insane or did Robby and Jordan have the same conversation with the parents? And yet Robby apparently made a much stronger impression. Or the misdirection continues, because come on, this isn’t even a competition.
Kim: I think Robby may have just used his words better because he studied the script and learned his lines.
Maggie: Robby exudes that intent because HE’S PLAYING ALL OF YOU.

Kelsey: JoJo is so pissed that Jordan didn’t ask for dad’s blessing. Because she wants him.
Sage: “That’s a very clear thing that you ask someone’s father.” Maybe in the baby-Bachelorette farms in Texas, boo-boo, not in the real world.
Kim: Her reaction when her family show doubts about Jordan makes EVERYTHING so clear. She essentially digs her heels in and has a temper tantrum because they aren’t affirming her favorite.
Maggie: Side note: AS THE YOUNGEST, I love how you can tell JoJo is too by the way she flips out when her family says anything bad. I have been that family member.

Actual picture of JoJo when her family was anti-Jordan.

Maggie: Who is this random girl who hasn’t said a word on the couch, does Jojo have a sister I forgot about? Is she a sister-in-law??
Kim: Sister apparently. WHO DOESN’T TALK ONLY SITS AND JUDGES SILENTLY.
Sage: What’s the deal with this sister character? She has really nailed the silent nod. My head canon is that she’s the black sheep feminist of the family and only agreed to go on the show if she didn’t have to speak. This is next Bachelorette material right here. I would watch the shit out of that.
Maggie: I was so confused by the awkward silent sister and this made it infinity better. I really got my clarity, you guys.

Sage: On a scale of 1-10000, how much do you think this pedi-cab driver hates the spoiled whites in the back who are whining about needed a vacation from their vacation?
Kim: Infinity.

Sage: Robby’s hair still hasn’t moved, not even in the wind.
Maggie: He ducked his head underwater and his scoop of hair was intact later for his into the mike (RIGHT KIM IS THAT WHAT WE CALL IT?) and chilling on the beach.
Kim: Aw, look at you learning the jargon, Marshmallow. (It’s “mic” not “mike” but I’ll let that slide.) AND SERIOUSLY WITH THE PLASTIC HAIR. I DON’T GET IT.

Kelsey: Did the camera people make them kiss underwater? Seems uncomfortable. Once your mouth is open, water rushes in.
Kim: Nothing about kissing underwater is romantic to me for that very reason. Literally the only time I bought it was in Baz’s Romeo + Juliet and that was because they fell INTO the swimming pool kissing and it wasn’t salt water.
Maggie: Oh man, there’s a scene in Whip It where there’s so much making out and getting out of clothes underwater and all I can think when I see it is how much upper body strength for swimming that I do not have.

 

Kelsey: Are they FINALLY going to discuss their life’s logistics? Nope, just a fantasy. Overcooked the meatloaf, did you not have a timer? Ugh.
Maggie: This dreaming of overcooking the meatloaf makes me vomit too. He’s talking about playing house, that’s not real life.
Kim: IS ROBBY FROM 1955? WHAT THE HELL KIND OF FANTASY IS THIS?
Kelsey: “Faint noise of kids” have you ever met a kid before? You think it’ll just be a faint noise while you’re sipping wine letting dinner burn? Moron.
Sage: Oh, Robby is digging his own grave here. JoJo is like, “you have to be the cook” when he mentions the meatloaf baking in their future kitchen and he PLOWS past that statement without acknowledging it.
Kim: NICE CATCH ON THAT SAGE.
Sage: Also he wants her pregnant YESTERDAY, so like. Grab your coconut and get out of there, JoJo. Shut it down.

Sage: There’s more heavy petting on this show than I expected. America won’t like it if you don’t act like daddy’s property to lend, but by all means, they love it when you grind onto a dude’s dick in public.
Kim: IT MAKES ME SO UNCOMFORTABLE. I get very hung up on the logistics of the fact that he most DEFINITELY has a boner and like WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THAT THING YOU ARE ON CAMERA. I mean I guess you could always go naked paddleboarding like Orlando Bloom.
Maggie: WHICH PS APPARENTLY TMZ HAS NOT COVERED (NO PUN INTENDED) BUT THEY DID RUN THOSE PHOTOS OF DANIELLE AFTER LOUIS “TOOK HER TOP OFF”.
Kim: Feels good, feels organic. #EndIt

Maggie: Wait do they get another sex date?
Kim: One would think, but no.

Maggie: HE SAID JO AGAIN I HATE HIM SO MUCH YOU GUYS.
Sage: Are you fucking kidding me with these slippers?
Maggie: The “I love you” that early on was such a red flag, how are we discussing it any other way AM I TAKING CRAZY PILLS?
Kim: You are not. HE IS TOO MUCH. It makes me want to run far far away.
Sage: Robby says he dreams of hitting 18 holes with the guys and then blowing JoJo’s phone up. To remind her to make him a meatloaf, probably.
Kim: He TOTALLY is the type to think of his wife as the “little woman” who should have a perfectly made Manhattan and a foot massage waiting for him when he gets home from golf. Agree?
Maggie: AGREE. Also did she say “heart of gold” because I’m offended on Harry Styles’ behalf if so.
Kim: He’ll never have boots to match though.

Harry: Aw, thanks guys, I love you too. Let’s do brunch and gossip.

Sage: Being stabbed with a dirty knife would be less painful than a guy giving me a love scrapbook.
Kim: “Here are some publicity stills to remind us of our journey, Joelle.”
Maggie: That would be the weird part about dating on this show, you can’t just take a damn selfie together or anything, so he presents you screenshots from the show you’re filming to sway your mind before the final rose.
Kim: This whole trend of giving the Bachelor/Bachelorette presents on the last date makes me cringe SO HARD. Do they have arts and crafts sessions? Who is the poor intern who gets stuck making these “gifts” because it sure as hell isn’t the contestants.

Maggie: YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THAN ROBBY, JOELLE. (See, I full named Jojo because she should go to her room and think about her choices, not because I’m angling to seem closer to her than I am.)
Kim: I love that Robby is STILL of the mind that JoJo will be telling him that she loves him tonight and then he has the nerve to be disappointed when she doesn’t.
Maggie: Oh NOW Robby remembers that she was heartbroken when Ben told more than one girl he loved her when he was saying “best case scenario was Jojo says I love you AT MOTHERFUCKING HOMETOWNS” UGH ROBBY.
Kim: Also after the drama at his hometown, did he REALLY think she would drop it then? Naw, son.

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Rose Petals: a Newbie and a Veteran Watch The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All

Posted by Kim and Maggie

AKA Men are So Catty, the Semi-Live version. Let’s do this.

Maggie: “My man, Luke Pell!” That’s the first time James Taylor hasn’t made me want to vomit, honestly.
Kim: James Taylor was made for these kind of reunion shows, honestly.

Maggie: THE CHAD BEAR RETURNS. YAS THE DRAMA IS MY PERSONAL BRAND OF HEROIN, GUYS.
Kim: GOD this whole set-up is ridiculous from Chad Bear in all black to the whole fake segregation thing. Did they ACTUALLY keep him separate in his own trailer? I doubt it. However, I love this shit. Pass the popcorn.

Maggie: Side note, after years of watching Bravo reunions, it’s weird to me that there’s a studio audience for this. I can’t even imagine how that would go with Housewives. Or Vanderpump Rules, god forbid.
Kim: Having ALWAYS watched these the concept of no live audience boggles my mind. Is the situation too volatile over at Bravo? Or just too heavily edited? Enlighten me.
Maggie: I don’t know how pretty it would be for Bravolebrities to feed off an audience’s energy for 12 hours of filming??
Kim: All of them are Chads is what you are saying, yes?
Maggie: Mostly, yes.
Kim: Gotcha.
Maggie: Chris Harrison is no Andy Cohen, either.
Kim: AGREED.

Maggie: AND CUE CHAD EATING.
Kim: His very own meat plate, just for him.

Maggie: “Yes, ladies, Luke is here.” Next Bachelor?
Kim: Yes, I think so. Both Luke and Chase had very dramatic exits which sets up the whole redemption/he deserves to find love arc but it seems like the audience is responding more to Luke. I’m going to need him to bring a LITTLE more personality next season though.
Maggie: Just like ANY emotion behind the eyes, please and thank you.

Maggie: I love the lady in the audience nodding at the fact that Robby and Jordan are total opposites. Okay, maybe I can get used to this.
Kim: Either everyone in this audience is a plant playing along with a pre-approved script or they actually find the people who completely believe that all this shit is real. I don’t know which option troubles me more.
Maggie: My best guess is some combination of the two, plus Vinny’s mom.

Maggie: Me every time I see a Bachelor in Paradise promo:

Kim: You have no idea how accurate that gif is, Marshmallow.
Maggie: #OhNoMarshmallow

Maggie: “I’ve had so much protein!” Drunk Chian singing. This is me whenever I’m in the groove of eating well.
Kim: I have to point out you originally typed “Chiam” which is just a reminder that THAT is still supposedly a thing. Which makes me dead inside.
Maggie: Just like the light in Liam’s eyes.

Maggie: “Fuck you, Chris Harrison!” WAIT GUYS AM I CHAD?
Kim: I think we are all Chad in that moment. Also REALLY how long is he going to be on BIP if he is this volatile? Like what woman is ACTUALLY going to want to hook up with this neanderthal? I mean I know we all have caveman fantasies sometimes, ladies, but have some respect for yourself.
Maggie: He’s not even that hot AND he hogs all the food.
Kim: And not in a cute “JOEY DOESN’T SHARE FOOD” way.

Maggie: What is this show??????? I don’t???
Kim: It is SUCH a hot mess, Maggie, I can’t wait for you to watch it.
Maggie: Jared? Jarrett? He pretty.
Kim: Jared. He was quite the desirable property last season on BIP. He got tangled up with crybaby Ashley and it was…not pretty. She was cray cray but he was a bit of a douche about it cause he was clearly enjoying getting his ding-dang played with until someone more stable came along. LIKE I SAID THIS SHOW WILL GIVE YOU AN STD WATCH IT WHILST COVERED IN A BODY CONDOM.

Kim: Time to bring out JoJo’s men. FINALLY.
Maggie: I forgot the Bachelor superfan EXISTED.
Kim: These shows are always fun for the moments where you go OH THAT GUY HE WAS ON THIS SHOW RIGHT.
Maggie: ALI EYEBROWS.
Kim: Still looking FINE, I might add.
Maggie: Oh, right, Santa. OH THE KILT GUY.
Kim: See what I mean? I don’t remember half of these assholes. The fun part will be seeing which guy who had the least amount of screentime will try to draw the most attention to himself.

Maggie: I don’t want to hear this sex criminal hair weasel talk, ugh.
Kim: Shout out to our Nashville insider that confirmed that Evan is as insufferable IRL as he was on the show.
Maggie: BOOTS ON THE GROUND.
Kim: I don’t know what that means.
Maggie: Ah, sorry. That’s a thing on that Housewives podcast that I listen to. BUT IT APPLIES.
Kim: Okay I trust you.
Maggie: See you and me are just watching, but our insider has boots on the ground and is reporting back.
Kim: OH MY GOD IT’S LIKE WE ARE LIVING HAMILTON WITH A SPY ON THE INSIDE.

Maggie: JoJo: hot as a burning car, thanks show, got it.
Kim: It’s not The Bachelorette without some heavy-handed sexist metaphors.

Maggie: “Evan, stop talking.” I THINK I’M CHAD, OH MY GOD.
Kim: To get Freudian, Chad is totally the Id of this show. And it works but JESUS CHRIST it’s exhausting the way he NEVER employs a filter.

Maggie: SMOL IN AN OVERSIZED CHAIR BLESS.
Kim: HI SMOL REGINA GEORGE I ALMOST MISSED YOU.

Maggie: Okay, what I’m gathering from this montage is they had a lot of Grant footage that they didn’t use and I am pissed.
Kim: This is truly upsetting. He better be the STAR of Bachelor in Paradise or I will riot.

Maggie: CLIQUE-TERVENTION
Kim: Look the clique was the greatest thing about this season. Sorry for all the suckers on the outside, but you know I speak the truth. Side note, Sage and I went to see the VERY man heavy Troilus and Cressida this weekend and I really wished you were there because MEN ARE SO CATTY. They have ALWAYS been catty, it goes all the way back to the Greeks and the Trojans.
Maggie: I would sit for three hours in the rain for catty men, I swear to God.
Kim: We had no regrets.

Maggie: Oh, shit, Santa, tell us how you really feel.
Kim: And here’s our dude who is gonna make a grab for dramatics even though he got very little screentime.
Maggie: 100%

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Rose Petals: a Newbie and a Veteran Watch The Bachelorette, Week 8

Posted by Kim, Maggie, and Kelsey

Kim: First of all, I have to say I was eating delicious carne asada fries and drinking the BEST frosty margarita in San Diego and my television FOMO still kicked in when Maggie started having a meltdown on twitter. That’s how deep I am in this. AND THEN THE BITCH WOULDN’T TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED.
Maggie: I am mean and wonderful. THAT IS A DIRECT QUOTE FROM YOU.
Kim: It’s true. I DO appreciate your dedication to keeping me pure in this process. Even when I hate you. ANYWAY. Let’s get to it. We pick up RIGHT where we left off last week. WHO IS GOING HOME?

Maggie: I feel so bad for JoJo breaking down especially because the answer is so easy just SEND ROBBY HOME.
Kelsey: Everyone thought he was eliminating himself? Really? Haven’t they felt JoJo & Luke’s chemistry?
Kim: Also, I thought Luke’s hometown went really well? THIS IS SO UNEXPECTED.

Maggie:  JORDAN. MY MAN.
Kim: Not even celebrity brother estrangement can stop this train.

Maggie: NO ROBBY WHAT THE FUCK YOU CAN’T MAKE CHASE BOTTOM 2 AFTER THAT HOMETOWN COME ON.
Kim: I SERIOUSLY don’t understand how she’s asking him to stay, especially after the whole ex-girlfriend debacle. RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE COME ON I AM SORRY. Also YES, Chase’s hometown date was flawless.

Maggie: CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASE YAS OMG THAT WAS STRESS YOU GUYS.
Kelsey: WHOA STICK WITH YOUR GUT, JOJO.
Maggie: I can’t believe she eliminated Luke before fantasy suites, though. I think she’s really, actually, for real trying to find a fiance here.
Kim: I said this in last week’s post but I would have been REAL suspect if Luke’s last-minute confession had swayed her. Not suspect of the show (FOR ONCE) but suspect of JoJo’s convictions.

Kelsey: Luke looks like, totally shocked. Aw.
Kim: He’s completely FLOORED. Like this is the most emotion we’ve ever seen from him?
Maggie: “I wanted to fall in love with you and I never got to see it through” I feel like this means he forced the ILY before he meant it, such a Hail Mary (Hi Jordan, I know football stuff are you proud of meeeeeeeeee)

Maggie: His face is so BLANK even as he says he dreamed about this so much while she’s clinging to him crying.
Kelsey: Okay, I feel like JoJo is looking for Luke to comfort her and part of me is like, ok, you have to be the stronger one in this? You’re making the choice here, and I’m sure it sucks but it’s not fair to ask the person you’re rejecting to comfort you like that?
Kim: Yeah, it’s like she want him to be as devastated as she is but he can’t be since he’s a robot.

Maggie: If he can’t express his feelings in words to JoJo, how is he going to make it as a songwriter????
Kim: Maybe he writes for Ariana Grande since I can’t understand a word out of her mouth anyway.
Maggie:  Is her like baby prostitute kitten vibe compatible with his war veteran promo??
Kim: NO. Which is why the songwriter thing is a SECRET. We solved it.
Maggie: God, we’re smart.

Maggie: Okay she’s still crying but I cannot BELIEVE she called Robby second after Chase’s hometown, that is such bullshit.
Kim: I DON’T GET THE ROBBY THING. I mean, none of us do, I just felt it needed to be said again.

Maggie: He keeps saying this wasn’t supposed to happen and the way he’s saying it makes me think maybe a producer was in his ear about him staying.
Kim: Oooooh he totally got Rachel-ed. HE’S SO FLABBERGASTED I can’t get over it.
Kelsey: Aw, this is the most I’ve ever liked Luke, though, tbh. I didn’t even like watching that.
Kim: It was definitely tough. These last few cuts always are cause now FAMILIES are in it. Which is why I would want to be cut right before hometowns.
Maggie: I hate seeing JoJo second guess herself when she’s trying so hard to do the right thing.

First date: Robby

Maggie: Thailand, okay, here we go. Ugh, Robby.
Kim: I always wonder how they determine who goes when. WHY IS HE FIRST?

Kelsey: “She hasn’t told me she loves me yet” Get the fuck over it, Robby, it’s not happening.
Kim: Seriously. After what happened with Ben, why does Robby think JoJo would ACTUALLY be dropping any L-Bombs to anyone’s face? It’s not going to happen. STOP TRYING TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.

Maggie: But seriously, what hair products does he use??
Kim: HIS HAIR NEVER MOVES. It’s like Ken Doll hair.

Maggie: See, the jump the gun “I love you” wouldn’t have made me feel safe to open up to Robby, it would have freaked me the fuck out. I’m just saying.
Kim: Are we forgetting that he LITERALLY just broke up with someone? I want to reach into my TV and smack her upside the head.

Actual picture of Robby.

Kelsey: So what I’ve noticed about Robby and JoJo is that their kissing doesn’t really seem to have much passion? IDK maybe I just want to think that.
Kim: There’s no heat there whatsoever. I mean I think there is from HIS side but she’s just like “Meh, okay.” At least that’s how I see it.
Maggie: I don’t like Robby’s serious conversation face. I don’t like Robby’s face. I don’t like Robby.

Maggie: We liked Robby’s dad though, right?
Kim: We DID.
Kelsey: “I love your family” -JoJo, the irony
Maggie: Do we think Robby forged the note?
Kim: I wouldn’t be surprised.

Maggie: I’m so grossed out, you guys.
Kelsey: I don’t have much to say about Robby because I’m just not feeling it.
Kim: I ALWAYS zone out on Robby dates. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ…

Kelsey: Ew I hope they don’t have sex.
Kim: They will. This whole “taking the next step” talk is code for “we’re gonna bang tonight”. Any time they say “intimacy,” my skin crawls.
Kelsey: And I HATE when he calls her Joelle.
Maggie: He needs to stop saying Joelle. She goes by Jojo, but we all know it’s Joelle, you’re not like proving any point by saying Joelle okay.

Maggie: I’m so upset. There’s no way you can trust this guy, I’M SORRY.
Kelsey: I think he just makes her feel like reallllllllly wanted and loved and pursued? But I don’t think she has the passion for him.
Kim: I think that’s exactly it, Kelsey. There’s something to be said about being the ADORED one in a relationship? (I wouldn’t know but I suppose there is. Hey-oooooooooooooooo this just got dark.)

Maggie: I like how her hair’s in a messy bun but his perfectly coiffed swoop is intact.
Kelsey: They wake up and Robby’s hair is still in the poof? WHAT. HOW. What kind of product is he using?
Kim: KEN DOLL HAIR.

Also an actual picture of Robby.

Kelsey: WAIT SHE KNOWS SHE LOVES HIM? NOOOOOOOOOO.
Maggie: STOP SAYING YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH HIM, JOELLE
Kim: DO NOT WANT.

Date two: Jordan

Maggie: JORDAN. Goddamn do I prefer this swoop of hair. What a palate cleanser.
Kim: He uses the PERFECT amount of product to where it’s obviously styled but it’s not plastered to his head. I approve.
Kelsey: Why does she look so cute with her hair messily pulled back? I’m rocking the same style and look like a mess.

Maggie: They’re so CUTE and AFFECTIONATE.
Kelsey: Their greeting was more passionate than Robby & JoJo’s date.
Kim: It’s almost like she’s genuinely happy to see him.

Maggie: They have such a great dynamic for a physical activity like this, I actually believe they had fun and weren’t miserable in that heat.
Kelsey: Them talking about not being able to kiss in the temple.. passion is thereeeeeeee.
Maggie: Yeah, keep it in your pants until the fantasy suite, girl.

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Rose Petals: a Newbie and a Veteran Watch The Bachelorette, Week 7

Posted by Kim, Maggie, and Kelsey

Maggie: Guys, remember what a train wreck Jojo’s hometown was last season? Do we usually see more of the family during the season or did Ben’s parents just not have a lot going on?
Kim: We’ll see JoJo’s family in the finale. That will be it. Okay the Hometown dates are USUALLY where we will see the next Bachelor emerge. So keep your eyes peeled, ladies.

HOMETOWN ONE: CHASE

Maggie: Okay, they seem cute, right?? That was a cute greeting, I didn’t think they had that much there.
Kim: Chase has been the ultimate dark horse this season. I had NO feelings about him like 2 episodes ago and now I am declaring him too pure for this show.
Maggie: I officially feel a little bad for referring to him as Jordan Light for so long, you guys.

Kelsey: Chase calling his family a “broken home” made me want to vomit. Is that his sob story?
Oh god, he’s making into a sob story. Jesus. Ok is it bad that I just want him to get the fuck over it?
Maggie: Listen. Colin’s parents got divorced like 18, 19 years ago. And we talk about it every single time we see his mom. I’m not exaggerating, it always comes up somehow. So even though my parents are still married, the Chase situation all felt very normal to me and not over the top. But. Yeah, I guess that was his sob story??? DON’T MAKE ME SAY BAD THINGS ABOUT CHASE, KELSEY.
Kim: REMEMBER HOW WE WERE ALL AMBIVALENT TOWARDS HIM TWO EPISODES AGO?

Maggie: Oh this is hella awkward though, has Chase ever asked his dad why the first marriage didn’t work out off camera??
Kelsey: So did Chase not see his dad for like years before that? I would NEVER put a new partner through that.Also, if I put this in my situation, there was a long time I didn’t talk to my mom. If I met someone during that time, I would not ask her opinion of that person, because we weren’t close. It feels like this situation is either a stretch or ABC forced them into it and it was fucking weird.
Kim: AWKWARD FAMILY THERAPY BY THE BACHELORETTE. (I’m SURE he has, this was a blatant set-up. CHASE IS LEARNING TO LOVE AGAIN.)
Maggie: Actually altogether, that was a great visit with Chase’s dad, right???
Kim: It WAS. Chase is SLAYING this so far.

Maggie: Chase’s mom is SO HAPPY, you guys.
Kelsey: Chase’s mom is just laying out facts about JoJo. Great laugh. Loves dogs. Hates fish.
Kim: All very important things in a daughter-in-law.

Maggie: Text from Kim: This is the bachelor edit.
Kim: I AM NOT WRONG.

Maggie: God I love this conversation between Chase’s mom and Jojo. I can’t even process all of this.
Kim: She is PRECIOUS. God, I am watching this whole date like I’ve never watched this show before. I am getting sucked in.
Maggie: CHASE AND HIS SISTER ARE SO CUTE, OMG AARGH
Kim: HE IS NAILING THIS.

Chase on this date.

Maggie: Side note, at this point it feels like it was ten years ago that Robby said I love you to JoJo AND CHASE IS TAKING IT SO SERIOUSLY. FUCK ROBBY.
Kim: Honestly, I keep forgetting Robby is here.

Maggie: STOP IT SANDY I’M GOING TO CRY JFC
Kim: YEP. SHE LOVES HER SON SO MUCH AND SHE JUST WANTS HIM TO BE OPEN TO LOVE HELP ME. (Maggie it’s SO FIC!Louis and Jay isn’t it???)
Maggie: Ohhhhhhhhhhh it IS.

Maggie: CHASE CRIED THE WALLS ARE DOWNNNNNNNNNNNN
Kim: SINGLE TEAR I AM ON FIRE.

Maggie: Can I just say, I really prefer the I’m falling in love with you over I love you for this show?? It’s so much more believable.
Kim: I hear you. However, I just feel like the way Chase dropped the L-Bomb was the most believable so far. It’s the whispered confession while they are wrapped up together right before she’s about to leave. (Can you tell I just finished my Outlander recap?) It’s not showy. It felt REAL. I made dolphin noises you guys.
Maggie: If you DIDN’T make dolphin noises, you’re dead inside. Sorry not sorry.

HOMETOWN TWO: JORDAN

Kelsey: I love JoJo’s reaction to these deer. Adorable.
Maggie: That really is a lot of fucking deer, okay?
Kim: JoJo and the way she reacts to animals though. It’s like she’s a damn Disney Princess.

Kelsey: Chase set the bar really high and so this high school visit just seems like ugh I’M SORRY JORDAN ILY.
Kim: It SCREAMS “I peaked in high school” and that is just NOT attractive.
Maggie: I…can’t disagree. My fave is problematic.

Kelsey: Whoa JoJo kissing Jordan against the desk, ok. Now agains the boooookssss.
Kim: Kissing AGAINST things is his signature move. It’s a good one.
Maggie: Okay it was getting pretty steamy with the library makeout and then the “I can’t wait for you to meet my family” like, bro YOU’RE MAKING OUT RN.

This is apt because Harry is talking about his childhood and Jordan is re-living his.

Kelsey: Is Jordan not having a high school sweetheart his sob story? Nope, back to the Aaron Rodgers sob story.
Maggie: This convo is what the entire season has been building to.
Kim: The Faux-casual “Oh is that your brother?” IS TOO MUCH. The whole thing gives me the willies. It’s so NOT GENUINE.
Maggie: Wait, we’re NOT having the convo???
Kim: HE’S TOO UNCOMFORTABLE TO TALK ABOUT THE (FAKE) RIFT WITH HIS BROTHER.

Kelsey: Do they all have the same haircut?
Maggie: THEY DO.
Kim: Jordan’s is the swoopiest.

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Rose Petals: a Newbie and a Veteran Watch The Bachelorette, Week 6

Posted by Kim, Maggie, and Kelsey

Maggie: Shout out to my sister in Boston who attempts to read these even though she doesn’t watch the show <3
Kelsey: Last episode feels SO long ago. Like aren’t we over the last rose psych out yet?
Kim: Stupid July 4th falling on a Monday and pre-empting my stories.

Maggie: I’m having a hard time paying attention to the this week on the show bits but I did spy some cardigans so let’s go.
Kelsey: While Jordan’s hair makes me overwhelmed, Alex’s hair is weird and gross and stringy in this first scene.
Maggie: OKAY RIGHT?
Kim: SERIOUSLY. What’s going on there, Smol?

Kelsey: Is Chris Harrison still doing his clothing line? I need to look into this.
Maggie: Um, fucking EXCUSE ME he has a clothing line?
Kim: What even IS part of his line? Ill fitting blazers? Rose brooches? WHAT?

Maggie: THIS WEEK IS HUGE DID YOU GUYS GET THE MEMO.
Kelsey: Alex’s “Whoa” response to his date is fucking hilarious.
Kim: But is this a pity one on one, Smol? 

Maggie: How many times are we all going to acknowledge Alex is the only one to not have a one on one yet?
Kim: IDK how many times did they mention that Wells was the only one not to have kissed her yet? They need something to fixate on.
Kelsey: “So…shut up.” Such insight, Chase.
Kim: LISTEN. I have NEVER been more proud of the fact that I said that Chase was the Gretchen Weiners of the clique than I am in this very moment. He has HAD IT with Regina George. I mean, he may as well be giving the Smol Swedish Weight-Gain bars right now.

Maggie: I think Alex means they all have a foundation that you can’t build on tearing another guy down????
Kim: But isn’t that what Alex has been doing this WHOLE TIME? Do they EVER not talk about the other guys when they are together?

Kelsey: Ew is Alex sitting in the middle seat? Stop.
Kim: Seriously, why is he sitting SO CLOSE? It would make me bananas. 
Maggie: 
Personally I’d rather be on the bus with my clique than on this awkward drive with Jojo, but whatever.
Kim: Give me ALL the footage of the plastics on the bus, you guys. ALL OF IT. Also, we got an interesting glimpse into the group dynamic. Last week, I pondered whether or not Luke was a loner, but he was ensconced in the middle of the bus. James Taylor, on the other hand, just seemed like he was so happy they let him sit with him.
Maggie: You KNOW Chase was internally screaming “YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US.”

Kelsey: Dude I feel like their date is them just sitting in the back of a car all day? This is super boring.
Kim: SHOW THE BOYS ON THE BUS.
Kelsey: “I’m having a hard time connecting with him romantically.” Ok, imagine this same date with Luke, they’d be naked by now.
Maggie: Okay why does she keep saying they’re so comfortable? It doesn’t read that way at all to me. (Or do I just hate Alex? Unconfirmed.)
Kim: I KNOW they probably played up the long stretches of silence for the comedy/awkward of it all but at the same time maybe they didn’t? They don’t have anything to talk about and they have nothing in common. I don’t know WHY she kept him, honestly. This is SUCH a pity one-on-one.

Kelsey: Holy shit I can’t even respond to this rap of the bus boys. This is fucking hilarious.
Kim: OKAY but Luke’s BURN of the Smol though. He’ll need a stool get into the sidecar? THIS IS MAKING ME QUESTION ALL OF MY HATRED TOWARDS HIM.

Kelsey: Ohh I want to see more of James’ tattoos.
Maggie: What the fuck is tattooed on James Taylor’s arm and how have I never noticed it before?
Kim: I have not noticed it either but that’s because I always try to avoid looking at James Taylor directly.

Maggie: I’m so scared of Bachelor in Paradise, you guys.
Kim: You should be.

Maggie: Alex doesn’t seem that Wild and Unruly to me, but sure let’s see how this gaucho date goes.
Kelsey: “He actually looks really good!” No, JoJo, he does not look good in the gaucho attire.
Kim: I am so embarrassed for him RN.
Kelsey: “You’re a cute little gaucho” LOLOLOL JoJo is calling him SMOL too.
Kim: I’m just glad everyone is FINALLY acknowledging the Smol’s smolness.

Kelsey: Jordan is a picky eater. He can hang out with you, Maggie.
Maggie: JORDAN IS A PICKY EATER LIKE ME THIS IS DESTINY.
Kelsey: I want all of those meats.
Kim: IDK I am terrified this whole roadside meat stop is going to end up like that scene in Bridesmaids. You know which one.

Maggie: Is it humid in Argentina? How does Robby maintain that perfectly coiffed swoop?
Kim: I am still MYSTIFIED about what is going on there.

Maggie: Real talk, I think Alex is a little too all business and goals oriented to connect with his heart on this date. He’s not soft enough somehow in general.
Kim: He’s so focused on WINNING I think he’s lost sight of whether or not he even LIKES JoJo.
Kelsey: How long is this date going to go, I can’t take his hat (beret?) much longer.

Kelsey: Okay the man with the horse seems fucking weird. I don’t like this.
Maggie: Does the gaucho with the horse remind anyone of the yoga date though?
Kim: OH MY GOD IT DOES.

Maggie: Wow, this is such a natural relaxed comfortable date, lying in a field spooning this horse with you.
Kim: Does it count as voyeurism if the horses watch? (Seriously, does this show know what I’ve been reading lately? Are they breaking into my iPad? If they do a Bodyguard type of date next, I’m calling the cops.)
Kelsey: Oh my god is Alex about to be little spoon?
Kim: Well, he is smol.
Maggie: Aw, give him a break, he’s big.

Maggie: “Today is just confirmation that somehow I’m still here” I couldn’t have put it better myself, Alex.
Kelsey: “I’m in a sense of enlightenment right now” Fuck you Alex.
Kim: Deep thoughts by a Smol Marine. (ALSO IS HE NOT PICKING UP HER VIBE? She is RADIATING “no romantic interest” here.)

Maggie: Robby’s style hews a little Miami Vice now and then, yes?
Kim: OH MY GOD I’VE FIGURED OUT WHAT ROBBY’S HAIR REMINDS ME OF.

Maggie: Ooh we finally got to another “I’m falling in love with you” which just underscores how much Robby jumped the gun. (For someone who’s gotten like no screen time, I’m sure talking a lot about Robby so far)
Kim: Dude, he’s spent like 5 minutes with her, he just thinks L-Bombs are how you win.

Maggie: Dude, is Alex going home right now????
Kim: Chris Harrison lulled him into a false sense of security by saying no one-on-one roses…
Kelsey: “From day one we’ve had a connection” Really? I literally feel zero chemistry between these two.
Kim: ZERO.

Maggie: GUYS ALEX IS GOING HOME RIGHT NOW.
Kim: Shouldn’t have gone with the premature L-bomb on the FIRST ONE ON ONE.
Kelsey: JoJo’s reaction to Alex telling her he’s falling in love with her was not a positive one. DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN JOJO.
Kim: Her face was literally “Oh shit, I have to send you home right now.”
Kelsey: “I don’t feel as excited as I should feel” Oh my. GET IT.
Maggie: I was not expecting this even though I knew that’s how she must be feeling, my heart stopped a little.
Kim: I ALWAYS respect when they don’t torment the people for a week before cutting them at the rose ceremony. When you know you know.

Maggie: Holy shit, Alex is going home. Right. Now.
Kim: YOU ARE SO ALIVE RIGHT NOW MAGGIE.
Maggie: I have a lot of respect for how she’s handling this, honestly she’s coming across so well this season. I don’t need Chris Harrison to tell me how strong and independent she is, okay.

Maggie: You just know he’s SEETHING on the inside. After they spooned that horse and everything.
Kim: He must feel so used.
Kelsey: Too bad this is the first shirt that really fits Alex properly.

Kelsey: Alex completely closes off. Which, honestly, would be my reaction, too.
Kim: I mean, I get being dumped on National TV is no fun but how could he have not seen that his relationship with JoJo was no where NEAR the rest? And at this point, there was no room to catch up. And like making her feel bad about it is just him trying to make HIMSELF feel better.
Maggie: I hate seeing her doubt herself, I think she did the exact right thing. JOJO YOU’RE GOOD, YOU DO YOU.
Kim: Bye Smol Regina George.

Kelsey: Private jet to Mendoza v. long car ride to the Estancia? Like, c’mon blatant favoritism.
Kim: I mean…he’s been the “frontrunner” since day one. Spoiler alert, that term is going to make you want to tear your hair out by the end of the episode.
Maggie: Okay this wine tasting date I can get behind. Also…what is this pattern on Jordan’s shorts, he’s such a Harry girl.
Kim: I love a man who is not afraid to rock a good pattern.

Maggie: Ew okay maybe I can’t get behind this date
Kelsey: Grape crushing reminds me of the grape crushing fail.
Kim: Oh, you mean this? SORRY I LAUGH EVERY TIME, I AM GOING TO HELL.

Kelsey: Okay they’re drinking their foot grape juice.
Kim: I don’t think that’s how it’s supposed to go. Also, we go to an orchard every fall to pick apples and they ALSO have grapes that you can pick off the vine and I SWEAR TO GOD those grapes are some of the best things I’ve ever put in my mouth. So I can see WHY they did this, even if I think it’s gross. Just say no to foot juice.
Maggie: I was so on board with this date idea, especially after the horse spooning fiasco with Smol, until they started drinking it and then I started throwing up.

Maggie: Luke and Chase are either downplaying or don’t know about the fact that Jojo supposedly met Jordan’s ex and got that scoop before filming, the “external hype” isn’t all it’s cracked up to be I KNOW HE’S MY FAVE BUT I’M SAYING.
Kim: Okay, with Smol Regina George gone, that bumps Cady/Jordan up to Head Plastic, right? Chase/Gretchen and Robby/Karen TOTALLY WANT TO STAB HIM.
Maggie: YES. EXACTLY THAT.

Maggie: “What does JoJo want to do with Luke on a one-on-one that she doesn’t want to do with me?” Sex, Chase. SEX.
Kelsey: JoJo-Luke one on one, seems like they’re just going to have sex.
Kim: I love that you two wrote that independantly. WIFE BRAIN. Also, accurate.

Maggie: Jojo and Jordan’s banter is just a liiiiiiittle awk.
Kim: I think they are REALLY still in the “OMG I have to impress this person” phase where they make awkward jokes that only Harry Styles can pull off and on the inside you KNOW Jordan is just going “I carried a watermelon?”

Continue reading

Rose Petals: A Newbie and a Veteran Watch The Bachelorette, Week 5

Posted by Kim and Maggie

Maggie: First things first, we’ve seen Derek’s twitter cover photo and he might be the Liam of the house, you guys.
Kim: I found myself being completely charmed by Derek’s social media WHICH CONFUSED ME. THIS IS ALL SAGE’S FAULT. And yes, I feel like Liam would appreciate the cover photo.

Maggie: Okay, I have wine, let’s gooooooooo.
Kim: I don’t have wine but I have an adrenaline rush from an Indigo Girls concert in the rain, so I am ready.

Maggie: In Buenos Aires and JoJo grabs a Starbucks. JoJo is me.
Kim: LISTEN. I am super disappointed that they didn’t orchestrate a massive song and dance number for JoJo’s arrival a la Evita. “HELLO, BUENOS AIRES! Get this, just look at me dressed up, somewhere to go…we’ll put on a show!” IT’S ALL RIGHT THERE SHE EVEN SAYS THEY ARE GONNA PUT ON A SHOW. (Also, I hope you’re ready for all the Evita references, cause they are coming.)

Maggie: IS SHE COUNTING ROBBY AS ONE OF THE LAST TWO GUYS WHO SAID I LOVE YOU?
Kim: I think she’s counting Ben and Tabloid Chad as the last two guys.
Maggie: THAT’S NOT GOOD FOR ROBBY.
Kim: Yeah basically it’s like his “I love you” isn’t even on her radar. ALSO was there not enough good stuff in this episode that we had to have our fake as fuck mini-therapy session with Chris? Or are we fulfilling a contractual obligation? All I am saying is there are two guys who get ZERO camera time during the group date because of this.
Maggie: Alex doesn’t even MATTER till 9:45 but we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

Maggie: Luke’s wardrobe is REALLY playing up the war veteran angle, am I just really noticing now that I don’t like him??
Kim: *chinhands*
Maggie: Honestly the travel and luxury accommodations and finding a mean girl clique with a few other contestants are the real reasons to do this show.
Kim: Seriously. It’s like…if I did this show, I would want to go to RIGHT before the hometowns because you get some free trips to exotic destinations AND you don’t have to bring your family into this shit show AND you don’t have to deal with the fantasy suite AND you likely get an invite to do Bachelor in Paradise which is ANOTHER free vacay. It’s a win-win situation.

Kim: Wells FINALLY gets a one on one. The date card is…blatant in its demands (KISS ME YOU DUMMY or something like that) and of COURSE all the guys pounce on it. They ALWAYS need someone to pick on.
Maggie: Didn’t Kelsey just ask this last week? Wells is the only guy who hasn’t kissed JoJo.
Kim: On one hand, I have respect for Wells wanting to play the long game/play it like it’s real life but on the other hand, you are on The Bachelorette, you weenie, PUCKER UP.

Maggie: “Are you guys gonna kiss today?” SHUT UP LUKE. (Man, when I turn on someone, I really commit.)
Kim: I am LIVING for JoJo’s response when all the guys are sitting there talking about the giant elephant in the room. “That’s funny, isn’t it?” I think half the guys in the room missed how that comment was DRIPPING with sarcasm. Like EVERYONE MIND YOUR OWN BEESWAX AND FOCUS ON YOUR OWN RELATIONSHIP.
Maggie: I think I was too busy typing SHUT UP LUKE to take in her response.
Kim: TEAMWORK.
Maggie: Ew, James Taylor knows more about kissing than you, Wells. Come on.

Maggie: No offense, art, but this date is my nightmare.
Kim: True story, I’ve seen Fuerza Bruta. They have a residency in NYC and a friend scored me free tickets. It was pretty wild and I highly recommend going after a few margaritas. Also, this show is a WHORE for reality TV promo as Top Model did a photoshoot with that pool. (Also that’s the second time I’ve referenced Top Model in these posts. Hmmmm.)
Maggie: I have no memory of that. Sorry, I am a bad fan.
Kim: It’s okay, you know I am a freak.
Maggie: I am used to being the freak!

Wanna be on top?

Maggie: HOW IS ANY OF THIS CONDUCIVE TO KISSING THIS ISN’T HIS FAULT.
Kim: OH MY GOD WHEN HE MOVES IN TO GO FOR IT BUT GETS THE CHEEK AND THEN THEY HAVE AN AWKWARD HIGH FIVE I LITERALLY WANT TO DIE.
Maggie: Is it possible to cringe so hard that you actually die?
Kim: I don’t know but this date is sure trying to test that theory.

Maggie: Oh wait that was the mean girl clique members discussing whether or not they’d see Wells again, right? Alex, Chase, Robby, Jordan? Sorry about the intervention, Derek.
Kim: Honestly the mean girl clique is my favorite thing to come out of this season. Also where IS Derek? Do you think that they told Derek and James Taylor that they couldn’t sit with them?

Maggie: I don’t even like Wells and I’m so embarrassed for him. This kissing stuff is all so middle school.
Kim: And here’s the deal. JoJo is a strong and independent woman. At this point, if she wanted to kiss Wells, she would have taken matters into her own hands. But she DOESN’T really want to kiss him and so we’re left with this awkward mating ritual cause she’s not going to TURN DOWN some kissing so just put us ALL out of our misery, okay?

Maggie: “The journey just started for me!” Okay so Wells is going home tonight.
Kim: *Insert OH HONEY gif here*

Kim: Plot Twist! The two-on-one date is Derek and CHASE. Has Chase SAID anything in the past 2 episodes?
Maggie: “May the best connection continue.” DEREK MAKES ME VOMIT YOU GUYS.
Kim: He just KEEPS revealing himself to be an Uber-Nerd but he’s probably an Uber-Nerd in the way that Gate-Keeping Classic Doctor Who Fans are.
Maggie: YES! Not like an adorable Uber-Nerd that you would root for.
Kim: Like Liam. AND WE’VE COME FULL CIRCLE.
Maggie: Part of me thought it would be Alex v. Derek, like Alex knocks out the dude he hates again but it’s good for Chase to have some screen time before he leaves.
Kim: I would have DIED if they had put the Smol through another 2 on 1 date.
Maggie: Okay, DEREK, I can’t hate on the clique because Alex touched Chase’s arm in sympathy when the names were read. Bros.

Kim: Back to the awkward date. JoJo is NOT feeling him. Wells gets the sweats when she starts asking about his last relationship. Or maybe because there’s no central air. But that didn’t seem to be bothering him BEFORE. Anyway. He’s doomed.
Maggie: Yeah, you can’t keep Wells because you feel bad for him and that’s kind of what it would be like.
Kim: I’ve said it before: Wells seems like a perfectly nice young man but he’s not for JoJo and she KNOWS it (She clearly goes for obvious confidence and Wells just doesn’t have that). So she turns on the crocodile tears and sends him home to his acapella group.

Maggie: I am living for all the guys going NOOOOOOOOOOOOO when they realize Wells is gone.
Kim: I am living for ANYTHING the clique does.

Maggie: She left the haunted AC-less mansion to go watch more art alone? Jojo is not me.
Kim: Was this supposed to be the rest of their date had she given him the rose? I am LIVING for her crying in the fake rain. If you don’t think I immediately went to the Tenth Doctor crying in the rain gif, then you don’t know me at ALL.

Kim:  As we head into the group date, I can’t help but wonder what stroke Robby swam in his “competitive” career. I don’t care ENOUGH to try to look it up though. He just doesn’t look like a swimmer to me. And I should know because I’ve been watching the swim trials all week.

Maggie: “Just look at these guys, they’re perfec!t” is the most I’ve ever liked James Taylor.
Kim: My notes for this whole section just say “I bet Maggie is DYING” over James Taylor’s insecurity regarding Jordan and Luke.
Maggie: Okay but shut up, James Taylor, if they smell insecurity on you, they’ll target you after Derek goes home (hopefully sooooooooon).
Kim: The Smol can SMELL insecurity, it’s only a matter of time.

Maggie: James Taylor and I really on the same page tonight, neither of us think he’s sexy.
Kim: The whole “Hi! Am I here?” thing was really pathetic.

Maggie: No, James Taylor, but the thing about Luke is Jojo is attracted to him but there’s nothing else there, it’s like what Ali warned her against in the first episode.
Kim: Seriously JoJo is BLINDED by her lust for Luke. Their WHOLE conversation was her flipping and twirling her hair and her whole face was like “SHUT UP AND KISS ME” and she was clearly half listening to him blathering on but was really just like “CAN WE MAKE OUT”. I’m honestly surprised she didn’t mount him before Luke got the message that he should just STFU.

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Rose Petals: A Newbie and a Veteran Watch The Bachelorette: Week 4

Posted by Kim, Maggie, and Kelsey

Previously on The Bachelorette, the house united in their hatred of Chian and then rejoiced when the Smol Marine triumphed over him in the 2-on-1 date. Chian stomped through the woods and then showed up at the house, raking his hands down the glass door like a serial killer. Previously on these recaps, Kelsey made the fatal mistake of comparing Evan to Headband Louis Tomlinson…a mistake we will never forgive her for. Let’s get right to it.

Maggie: I’m really interested to see an episode with Alex not getting to focus on Chian the whole time.What is he even going to talk about??
Kim: Seriously. Do we know ANYTHING about Alex other than the fact that he likes to fixate on others?

Maggie: Ohh I forgot about James Taylor’s face.
Kim: THIS SHOW HAS BEEN GONE FOR SO LONG, MAGGIE. Side note: How much do you think it’s going to drive him crazy from now until the end of time that he’s basically going to spend the rest of the season with that black eye from the football date?
Maggie: It was fading fast though, wasn’t it? But I don’t like looking at his face so I could be wrong.
Kim: It seemed pretty prominent to me for most of the episode. I bet he’s proud of it though. It’s like THIS IS HOW MUCH I LOVE JOJO.
Kelsey: James Taylor is so fucking cute. I don’t know how you guys don’t see it.
Maggie: His schtick is exhausting and makes me throw up in my mouth.

Maggie: A FUNERAL. MEN ARE SO DRAMATIC.
Kelsey: James T playing the music of their hearts. Oh my god, they’re spreading his protein ashes. Oh my god.
Kim: SCATTERING HIS PROTEIN POWDER AS IF IT WERE HIS ASHES. Food shaming Chian till the very end. Also protein powder is expensive, so this feels exceedingly petty. Like the brownie debacle on Top Model.
Maggie: SO PETTY. But also those poor boys have nothing to do to entertain themselves. Remember the Jojo jo jo jo jo jo jo jo jo song?
Kim: I wish I didn’t.

Maggie: Maybe Wells can stay if he’s going to keep saying things like “death to tyrants”.
Kim: You know that Wells has been waiting to say that IRL ever since he discovered Game of Thrones.

Maggie: I LOVE JORDAN.
Kelsey: Oh Jordan, trying to mediate. You delicate little flower. It’s not going to work.
Kim: I love how Jordan is trying to be all civilized with Chian whilst Evan is in the background demanding that Chian whip out his wallet and pay for the shirt he tore two episodes ago. LET IT GOOOOOOOOOOO. Unless that was like a $500 t-shirt.

Maggie: Never mind, Wells can’t stay if he’s going to say stuff like “you can have a choice of saying ‘whatever’.”
Kim: What even does that mean, Wells? WEENIE.

Maggie: Canadian vampire eating his cereal in the background and no one’s food shaming him.
Kelsey: Canadian vampire is soft, eating his Cheerios, letting the grim reaper into the house.
Kim: They only food shame when it comes to plain cold cuts and raw sweet potatoes, okay? They don’t shame carbs. They are like the opposite of Atkins dieters.

Maggie: I imagine this is Alex’s reaction every time he sees someone on the internet refer to him as smol Marine.
Kim: Accurate. (Also bless the fan that actually had the stones to call Louis a smol. HE’S 5’9″ OKAY?!) (No, he’s not.)
Maggie: The fan said “oh my god you are such a small bean” which just kill me that’s so cute.
Kim: The smollest of beans.

Maggie: You know I love me some sparkles but Jojo’s dress is tackyyyyy, right?
Kim: The cutouts are weirdly placed? And the way the sequins are going back and forth make it all look oddly scaly? Basically, you’re right.

Maggie: Chase is such a fakeout Jordan, GO AWAY GIVE ME JORDAN.
Kelsey: What are these things Chase brought? It just seems awkward.
Kim: Okay…but I DON’T UNDERSTAND THE GIANT BALLS? WHY? WHERE DID THEY COME FROM? WHY IS THAT HOW YOU CHOSE TO SPEND YOUR ONE ON ONE TIME? WAS THIS AN ODE TO MICHAEL SCOTT AND “BEACH GAMES”? ARE THE GIANT BALLS OFFERED AS A FUN ACTIVITY AT THIS RANDOM ASS RESORT IN PENNSYLVANIA AND THEY HAD TO ADVERTISE IT?  I JUST WANT TO KNOW.
Maggie: I couldn’t even acknowledge that was happening.
Kim: Like SHE IS IN A LONG SLINKY DRESS. How did they think this would be fun?

Maggie: Robby’s aesthetic is so SPECIFIC.
Kim: Serial Killer specific. He has a serious case of crazy eyes.
Kelsey: Robby. Every time I see your face I don’t remember you. He’s quite flamboyant I think. “Can I have a kiss?” “Thank you for your time.”
Maggie: Robby’s clothes don’t fit him well enough, he’s not gay.

Maggie: I’m surprised Evan didn’t stand on a chair shouting “DADDY MADE OUT WITH JOJO”.
Kim: I still can’t believe those are actual words that came out of his mouth. WHO SAYS SHIT LIKE THAT TO THEIR KIDS? Even it’s not directly TO them, the intent was there.
Kelsey: Evan quipping about “Has he kissed her?”HAS ANYONE NOT KISSED HER? But really… is anyone tracking that?

Maggie: NO NOT A POEM.
Kim: Who ACTUALLY writes poetry? NO ONE. I mean people THINK they do but you don’t ACTUALLY write poetry. Sorry all you would-be poets. There is NOTHING that makes me cringe more than an awkward love poem which is REALLY a Hail Mary pass for a rose, let’s be real. The ONLY one who got away with the love poems that didn’t make me want to die was Ryan of Trista and Ryan.
Maggie: Did you feel that way at the time or is it because they’ve lasted?
Kim: I felt that way at the time. I was ALL about the sensitive firefighter.
Maggie: Yeah, that ticks a lot of boxes for me, personally.

Maggie: Okay as cringe-y as I found that poem, Alex just got one on one time like let the man poetry okay?
Kelsey: Alex interrupting, ugh, you suck, I don’t like you.
Kim: A big pet peeve of mine is guys that HAVE roses trying to take away time from guys who haven’t gotten to spend much time with her. Like, slow your roll here, Smol, you’re already coming back next week.
Maggie: It’s not cool.
Kim: It’s not. STICK TO THE CODE OF HONOR. Smol should know something about that, being a Marine and all. Instead he’s all trying to assert his dominance over everyone because he’s smol. You know, I loathe to agree with Chian, but Chian is pretty on the money about him.
Maggie: He really is tiny. He’s like the same height as JoJo, I think she’s in heels? But she’s tiny.

Maggie: I love that they’re verbalizing that they need a common enemy.
Kim: THEY DO. All of the guys started turning on each other the MOMENT Chian was out of the house. It’s not pretty.

*Jordan pushes JoJo up against a wall and snogs the living daylights out of her*

Maggie:  SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT OKAY INTO IT THAT WAS HOT.
Kim: OH MY GOD SHOVING HER UP AGAINST THE WALL JORDAN. JESUS. I need to go change my clothes.
Maggie: SO FUCKING HOT.
Kim: I felt that in my lady parts. Also like…mad props for doing it with all the guys on the other side of the wall so they needed to be quiet. That’s like one of my favorite fan fic kinks.

Maggie: I’ve not been a fan of James F or Vinny but they seem pretty harmless tonight, am I going to feel things when they get sent home?
Kim: That depends on how moved you were by James F’s poem.
Maggie: I was unmoved.
Kim: Then you won’t feel a thing.
Kelsey: Oh Vinny is still here? LOL WHY.

Maggie: WHO EVEN IS DEREK? (JK I know who he is at this point I just don’t caaaaaaaaaaare)
Kelsey: Derek. I remember so little about you.
Kim: Literally the only thing I remember about him is that he is Faux-Jim Halpert.

Kelsey: And the roses go to…Robby (I think he comes out in ten years), Chase (Again, you’re just a less cute Jordan), Wells (shock of a lifetime), Grant (Delicate flower, so handsome and kind), Vinny (are you fucking serious?), James T (my man. GET YO SELF SOME)…One rose left. CMON JAMES F. I DON’T KNOW YOU BUT I LIKE YOU BETTER THAN EVAN OR DAMN DANIEL.
Maggie: But if Evan goes home now then he gets to blame the other guys for turning into mini Chians and not himself for being gross.
Kim: I think it’s EXACTLY why he’ll get a rose. He’ll go home in the NEXT ceremony but this ceremony is all about the weenies triumphing over Chian.
Maggie: “I feel like my heart is on blast” is that what he said?? What is that?
Kim: Is he from the 1950’s?

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Rose Petals: A Newbie and a Veteran Watch The Bachelorette: Week 3, Part 2

Posted by Kim and Kelsey

Welcome, Rose Lovers! As our resident Bachelorette newbie Maggie is on vacation (WE MISS YOU MARSHMALLOW!) this week, our friend and psuedo-Newbie Kelsey will be filling in for the thrilling conclusion of Monday’s episode! Previously on The Bachelorette, Evan got a rose and nobody knows why. Everyone hates Chian and Evan ran crying to Chris Harrison about it. Let’s get to it!

Kelsey: Chian’s apology. “We’ve settled things.”
Kim: AKA “I’m not at all sorry and I make good television, so the producers aren’t kicking me off the show just yet.


Kelsey: Of course Wells is the voice of reason. I forgot he was here.
Kim: That’s because he doesn’t have his a capella group with him. WEENIE.

Kelsey: I do think Chian’s a time bomb.
Kim: Oh, most definitely he is. Now it’s just a matter of whether or not the producers will push him to his breaking point for ratings.

Kelsey: Of course Chian greets her at the door.
Kim: Wow, it’s almost like one of the producers made sure that would happen.

Kelsey: I think every season there’s a week where they cancel the cocktail party and have a pool party instead. It’s always a shit show. Someone is always too drunk.
Kim: My favorite thing is how they always present the pool party as if it were a spontaneous decision instead of something meticulously planned.

Kelsey: Ok the guy cannonballs with a suit, but then keeps wearing the suit?
Kim: Barney Stinson would have a HEART ATTACK.

Kelsey: Of course the promos make it seem like Evan is bleeding from a fight.
Kim: How this franchise manipulates the viewers 101. JUST ONCE I would love for something that they TEASE to actually HAPPEN.

Kelsey: Whoa Jordan and JoJo moment. He’s totally going to at least hometowns.
Kim: No, my friend. This one’s going to the FINALS.

Kelsey: “I’m not sure Jordan is into me the way I’m into him” Okaaaaaaaay, JoJo. Get the fuck out.
Kim: She’s trying to manufacture SOME modicum of suspense with this relationship. Or she genuinely IS questioning it because she’s THAT into him.

Kelsey: I do enjoy how much more casual and laid back people are during the pool parties.
Kim: They are lulled into a more relaxed existence and forget they are on a reality show. That’s when the fireworks happen. Or should.

Kelsey: I’m glad JoJo is addressing Chian being so disrespectful during the group date. I do agree. But seriously, I don’t know what JoJo likes about Evan because he’s back to feeling like a weird uncle in my mind.
Kim: Look, the problem with Chian is that he has ZERO filter for his inner monologue. You can’t TELL ME that at LEAST half the guys on that group date felt the same thing about Evan getting the rose. But they all kept their mouths shut. And agreed, gotta love that JoJo is taking no shit from him.

Kelsey: Chian watching Jojo kiss Derek feeling fucking weird. It’s weird how he’s trying to listen in on EVERYONE’S conversation. Get out.
Kim: CREEPER.

Kelsey: Chad pulling Derek aside and it is fucking heated. I’m not even sure who Derek is, but I’m a bit scared he’s going to get the shit beat out of him.
Kim: I’ve been saying from the beginning that Derek has a bit of John Krasinski face. So imagine my delight when I was scrolling through the Twitter tag during the episode and saw people saying “JIM FROM THE OFFICE IS ABOUT TO GET HIS ASS KICKED.”

Kelsey: I actually have some respect for Derek coming out of that, but WHAT THE FUCK ON CHIAN CALLING DEREK OUT ON WATCHING THE SHOW?! Chian can’t watch it because he works? Like, I’m sorry, this doesn’t air Mondays at 10 AM. It’s not the Price is Right.
Kim: Excuse me, Kelsey, but TPIR airs at 11 AM. Let’s Make a Deal airs at 10 AM. I know this because I am unemployed.

Kelsey: Ben (Kelsey’s fella): “Chad’s tie is a going home tie. Skinny knot, wide collar. Bro, up your tie game.”
Kim: This interests me greatly. I am going to need a full-on analysis of everyone’s tie from now on, Ben.

Kelsey: ” Did you only bring one white shirt, Chad?” Ben disapproves of Chian’s look, to say the least.
Kim: Everything looks weird on him because he’s TOO LARGE.

Kelsey: Wait. Who is James F? I’ve never seen him before.
Kim: They need to keep James F around so they can refer to James Taylor as James Taylor for as long as possible. Without James F, James Taylor is just James and where is the fun in that.

Kelsey: Ben: “This dude (Robby) has his suit and tie game on.”
Kim: Too bad it’s highly likely that he’s a serial killer.

Kelsey: Oh Wells, you delicate flower.
Kim: WEENIE.

Kelsey: Yay sparkles on JoJo’s dress.
Kim: Maggie would approve. ALSO GRANT IS WEARING BRACES AND LOOKING FIIIIIIIINE THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

Kelsey: Aw Alex.
Kim: The Smol Marine lives to see another day!

Kelsey: Who is left at this point without a rose? Christian, Ali Eyebrows, Chian.
Kim: And Santa Nick. We all know how this is going to end and it’s not with Christian, Ali, or Nick.
Kelsey: Of fucking course.

Kelsey: Aw. Purest Christian. Goodbye.
Kim: Christian, we know you stalk these recaps. HIIIIIII PRECIOUS CINNAMON ROLL. Hope you keep reading.

Kelsey: I don’t get Evan’s navy suit on black shirt? No thanks.
Kim: He is the wooooooorst.

Kelsey: Wait. They came to Pennsylvania. What. Boring, ABC.
Kim: Not just Pennsylvania. PITTSBURGH. (Sorry, Sage.) Keep living large, Bachelor Nation.
Kelsey: I should have gone to hang out with them.
Kim: What a missed opportunity.

Kelsey: “I can’t wait for the day when Jojo sees the man Chad is” You mean when she sees his dick?
Kim: Hey-o.

Kelsey: I’m still mourning Christian. So pure.
Kim: LBR, he was too good for this nonsense. He’s better off. Until he joins Bachelor in Paradise. DON’T DO IT CHRISTIAN.

Kelsey: “My name’s the only one on the date card, that means I’m getting a one on one.” Such insight, Luke.
Kim: He smart.

Kelsey: “How hot do we want it?”
Kim: Eyeroll. LEARN BETTER ENTENDRE.

Kelsey: Also this is just like Ben and Lauren’s hot tub time in the middle of nowhere.
Kim: WHY IS THIS A THING?

Kelsey: “I want to see Luke take his shirt off, oh my god, he’s in impeccable shape” Wasn’t the pool party yesterday?
Kim: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Clearly she was too busy focusing on others? *coughJordancough*

Kelsey: Hot tub is too hot. Time to grab JoJo’s ass!
Kim: Also, I HATE her swimsuit.

Kelsey: Luke seems like a simple man. Maybe kind of dumb.
Kim: Oh my GOD, Kelsey, you’re making me do this. I have to.

Kelsey: Ben affirms that he’s stupid. “I’m happy that you’re hot and that I want to fuck you and I’m happy that I’m still here” (this was Ben pretending to be Luke)
Kim: I mean…where’s the lie?

Kelsey: “Season of life” Ew Luke no.
Kim: I swear to GOD, they give all the contestants a manual of phrases they have to say on camera.

Kelsey: The more I see of Luke the more unattractive I find him.
Kim: He’s kind of dead behind the eyes? IDK there’s something missing with him. He’s kind of lifeless.

Kelsey: Ew ew stop with the strawberries JoJo. Ew. I can’t watch.
Kim: There is only one person who is allowed to eat fruit seductively.

Kelsey: “I think she’s saving me for last.” Weird positivity from Chad.
Kim: His over-inflated sense of self ASTOUNDS me.

Kelsey: Love the Chad/Bear mashup. THEN HE SAYS CHAD BEAR.
Kim: The sad/hilarious thing is I don’t think he was fed that line.

Kelsey: Whoa Alex did you just hate on Wells? Who could have a problem with Wells?
Kim: I mean he IS the geeky choir kid and Alex is the smol but beefy ROTC kid so…

Kelsey: Grant, you delicate flower.
Kim: I’m still not over the braces. BRING THEM BACK. WEAR THEM ALL THE TIME.

Kelsey: Oh my god. Chad/Alex 2 on 1!!!!!!
Kim: I am so alive right now.

Kelsey: “This is for America.” Oh Jordan. If you weren’t so beautiful, I’d hate you for that comment.
Kim: MURICA.

Kelsey: JoJo and Luke’s dinner. “You have a very relaxed confidence” It’s because there’s nothing in his head. It’s a very relaxed mind.
Kim: There is NOTHING going on up there. I’m sure he’s very nice though. He poses pensively outside of barns.

Kelsey: Luke describing his college/army experience: he sounds like he’s trying to tell you about a movie he saw and can’t remember the name of.
Kim: AHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU’RE RIGHT.
Kelsey: For the record, I support our troops.

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