Sage: How the hell is it gonna take three hours to give away one rose and why did I volunteer for this? Actually I know why. It’s because reading Maggie, Kim, and Kelsey’s hilarious commentary has given me Bachelorette knowledge I never wanted and now need to burn off. Let’s do this.
Maggie: I feel like I’ve seen this promo of her sobbing a hundred times. Guys, I hate when Jojo cries.
Kim: You’re gonna hate this episode then…
Maggie: Ohh I forgot there was a studio audience for this finale part and not just After the Rose. (Newbie alert.)
Kim: The whole cutting to the studio audience is so fucking stupid. I mean they are just there to watch the episode and provide whatever expressions the stage manager prompts them to.
Maggie: “Someone get him a meat tray, now.” BLESS. Chad’s really the gift that keeps on giving, isn’t he?
Sage: Chad’s goatee gets more and more Satan-like every time I see him.
Kim: It DOES. It like…gets darker every time we see him? ANYWAY WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT CHAD ON JOJO’S NIGHT? LIKE I GET WE ARE PROMOTING A TELEVISION SHOW BUT THERE IS NO WAY CHAD STICKS AROUND FOR MORE THAN TWO EPISODES OF BACHELOR IN PARADISE, SORRY. (WOW CAPSLOCK.)
Maggie: He’s stealing her thunder when he should be afraid to even borrow it. And seriously, he MUST flame out early on BIP.
Kim: I would say it’s because no self respecting woman will touch him with a ten foot pole but then I forgot we’re talking about former Bachelor contestants so never mind.
Kim: YA BURNT.
Maggie: JUST LIKE ROBBY’S MEATLOAF.
Kim: Making jokes before the joke happens. HIGH FIVE.
Sage: Human Cabbage Patch Ben is fucking there?! Seriously, I get why they invited him, but this is cruel. Though, if JoJo picks who she should pick, she could be getting engaged to a hotter guy tonight and that’s definitely something you want your ex to see.
Maggie: I hope everyone in the studio audience glares at Ben every time it comes up that JoJo hasn’t said I love you to either Robby (barf) or Jordan yet.
Kim: Well we’ve got to promote Ben and Lauren’s show about how happy and loved up they are. Meanwhile, I just look at Lauren and feel like she’s giving off major “Don’t fucking touch me” vibes towards Ben. *sips tea*
Maggie: I feel like a major rule of thumb should be not to end your reality show title WITH A FUCKING QUESTION MARK. Bethenny Getting Married? Well, Guess Who’s Divorced Now? They are ASKING for it. Jesus.
Sage: “When I’m with Robby, I think of Jordan. When I’m with Jordan, in the back of my mind, I’m thinking of Robby.” Well girl, I can think of at least one solution for that problem. (FIND A THREESOME GIF, KIM, PLEASE.)
Kim: *is terrified of searching for a threesome gif* *has idea* I am sure this is what you had in mind right? Sage: I am not nuts about this black sack dress. Fortunately, JoJo makes two costume changes in that one voiceover alone.
Kim: I feel like some of those were rompers? I couldn’t quite tell, which you know upsets me because I love a good romper. Also her sense of style is SO hit or miss with me.
Sage: My family would not be down for this. It amuses me to imagine them taking these ludicrous sit-downs seriously.
Kim: Same. Though I actually think my mom would have a good old time with it. Especially if the cocktails flowed freely.
Kelsey: JoJo’s mom is my favorite. Remember last season when she drank straight out the wine bottle during Ben’s visit to her hometown?
Kim: I mean how else do you get through an evening with Ben Higgins?
Maggie: HER MOM LOVES A CUTOUT TOO, GUYS.
Kim: So it’s hereditary.
Sage: I’m with Maggie. Jordan’s hair swoop DOES get me overwhelmed. Also nice transition from parent greeting to bro hug.
Kim: His hair has definitely grown on me over the course of the season. I think the humidity in Thailand has done wonders for it.
Maggie: “She IS my best friend” *squeeeeeeeeeeee*
Sage: “We like to give it back and forth to each other.” They share that really.
Kim: SOMEONE wants the Mario Kart gifs and SOMEONE is going to get them.
Sage: I was like “YES, JORDAN, BUY THEIR LOVE.” But then his presents were a joke and then he explained that joke into oblivion. See, the pretty boys never had to learn to be funny.
Kim: You could SEE Jordan deflating and going “Oh shit I should have just brought a bottle of wine” the longer he explained the gag.
Kelsey: I respect mom’s skepticism of Jordan.
Kim: She does NOT like him.
Maggie: I LIKE JORDAN.
Kim: I had no idea, Maggie.
Maggie: I don’t think I’ve mentioned that.
Sage: Mrs. JoJo was totally the mom who told her daughter that every boy who was shitty to her as a child was just being mean because he had a crush on her. (Also go easy on the highlighter next time, Mrs. JoJo.)
Kelsey: JoJo’s fam seems VERY in tune with trust issues. My family would have no idea what my issues are in a relationship, you know?
Maggie: They are all WAY TOO INVESTED, it’s like a family issue that she doesn’t have a husband and when the mom said she doesn’t want to talk about JoJo’s broken heart at the dinner table? I am 100% sure she means it LITERALLY because that is ALL THEY DO
Kim: She’s in her EARLY 20’s, SLOW YOUR ROLL FLETCHER FAMILY. Except wait, I forgot. They are from Texas. She’s an old maid.
Sage: The episode’s first mention of getting dad’s permission to propose and I already have a rage headache. The thing is, I really do think JoJo is better than this. Was this drama concocted to obscure an otherwise super obvious ending?
Kelsey: Jordan doesn’t ask for her hand in marriage. Dannnnnggggg. But, if I was in his boat, it’d be hard, too.
Maggie: Oh but they haven’t aired JoJo saying the dad convo is important to her, have they?? I thought it was all him. And now I can’t really tell what shook his confidence and why he didn’t do the asking for the hand in marriage (barf) thing.
Kim: I could not IMAGINE someone I had known for 2 months (during which we’ve gone on 3 dates by ourselves) looking my father in the eye and SERIOUSLY asking to marry me. I feel like my Dad would LAUGH at him. I mean my Dad would ALSO laugh cause he would know that I would be pissed off that he knew I was getting engaged before I did. IDK the whole “asking dad’s permission thing” skeeves me out as much as the Dads dictating what kind of wedding dress his daughter is allowed to wear on Say Yes to the Dress.
Maggie: DOES THAT ACTUALLY HAPPEN I HAVEN’T WATCHED IN YEARS.
Kim: YES. And some dads get very aggressive about how much cleavage his daughter is ALLOWED to show.
Maggie: That’s disgusting.
Maggie: DOES RANDY LET THEM DO THAT?
Kim: Sometimes he has no choice.
Maggie: Ugh, Robby.
Sage: Guys, I don’t…how is this the other guy.
Kim: Welcome to our hell, Sage.
Sage: Robby supposedly comes the day after, but this is really like 10 minutes and a costume change after Jordan left, right?
Kim: I actually DO think they spread this one out over 2 days. I can’t confirm though.
Kelsey: Robby is wooing her fam. Ugh. He’s such a schmooze, ya know? Like, I’m sure he’s a PRO at meeting parents. I am, too, so I get it, but he seems like he knows the game.
Maggie: He’s just so fucking GLIB. UGH. ROBBY.
Sage: “What did you see about JoJo that attracts you?’ “Well, m’am, she was the only girl there.”
Kim: God, he’s pouring it on thick.
Maggie: “She’s smart and intelligent, that’s a no brainer” UGH ROBBY.
Sage: Robby has a Yogi Berra-esque way with words. In that he doesn’t know that all the ones he’s saying mean.
Maggie: Jojo, he’s CONNING you, he knows you want to feel cherished and adored. He’s SO FAKE.
Sage: Robby sleeps in a tanning booth. Tanning booth vampire.
Kim: He is the living embodiment of the Ken Doll from Toy Story.
Maggie: JoJo, he’s CONNING you, he knows you want to feel cherished and adored. He’s SO FAKE.
Sage: I’m dying of TMI-related second-hand embarrassment. And I get the feeling that her brothers’ love lives weren’t a topic of dinner table conversation as often as JoJo’s.
Maggie: He’s going to build his life around her? What about his busy former competitive swimmer schedule?
Kim: IDK Maggie, it seems like he’s REALLY busy.
Sage: No fun, say the brothers. No fun in marriage. Just kids, house, and husband. She’s picking Jordan, I fucking know it.
Kim: I am so let down by her brothers. They were so vocal with Ben and here they are just like SOMEONE PLEASE MARRY HER AND KNOCK HER UP.
Sage: “She was raised as a princess.” GROSS.
Maggie: I just hate what a family concern it is that she finds love, I feel like it would be this way if she was never on these shows. I mean, obviously it’s something she wants but also like take a breath, girl. You’re what, 24? You have your whole life ahead of you, heal some more after this one bad breakup and focus on yourself.
Kelsey: WHOA JoJo’s dad tells Robby that she loves him? BE COOL DAD. GOD.
Sage: Mom doesn’t get to give permission, just to watch her husband give it. It’s like concentric circles of horrific gender politics are all happening at the same time.
Maggie: It’s nice to include this mother in this barfy talk with the dad stuff but it feels so slimy, it’s a con, it doesn’t feel genuine, it’s all calculated.
Kim: Remember George’s inner monologue in Father of the Bride where he feels like Brian is giving Nina the “How to grease up your future mother-in-law” speech? That’s what’s happening right here, right now.
Sage: Mrs. JoJo is trying so hard to cry right now. She told that stupid Botox doctor SPECIFICALLY that she needed to cry this week.
Kelsey: “You can’t but want someone like Robby for your daughter.” Ew.
Kim: Tell that to Hope’s family.
Maggie: LOVE ISN’T LOGICAL, JOJO’S DAD.
Sage: Am I insane or did Robby and Jordan have the same conversation with the parents? And yet Robby apparently made a much stronger impression. Or the misdirection continues, because come on, this isn’t even a competition.
Kim: I think Robby may have just used his words better because he studied the script and learned his lines.
Maggie: Robby exudes that intent because HE’S PLAYING ALL OF YOU.
Kelsey: JoJo is so pissed that Jordan didn’t ask for dad’s blessing. Because she wants him.
Sage: “That’s a very clear thing that you ask someone’s father.” Maybe in the baby-Bachelorette farms in Texas, boo-boo, not in the real world.
Kim: Her reaction when her family show doubts about Jordan makes EVERYTHING so clear. She essentially digs her heels in and has a temper tantrum because they aren’t affirming her favorite.
Maggie: Side note: AS THE YOUNGEST, I love how you can tell JoJo is too by the way she flips out when her family says anything bad. I have been that family member.
Kim: Sister apparently. WHO DOESN’T TALK ONLY SITS AND JUDGES SILENTLY.
Sage: What’s the deal with this sister character? She has really nailed the silent nod. My head canon is that she’s the black sheep feminist of the family and only agreed to go on the show if she didn’t have to speak. This is next Bachelorette material right here. I would watch the shit out of that.
Maggie: I was so confused by the awkward silent sister and this made it infinity better. I really got my clarity, you guys.
Sage: On a scale of 1-10000, how much do you think this pedi-cab driver hates the spoiled whites in the back who are whining about needed a vacation from their vacation?
Sage: Robby’s hair still hasn’t moved, not even in the wind.
Maggie: He ducked his head underwater and his scoop of hair was intact later for his into the mike (RIGHT KIM IS THAT WHAT WE CALL IT?) and chilling on the beach.
Kim: Aw, look at you learning the jargon, Marshmallow. (It’s “mic” not “mike” but I’ll let that slide.) AND SERIOUSLY WITH THE PLASTIC HAIR. I DON’T GET IT.
Kelsey: Did the camera people make them kiss underwater? Seems uncomfortable. Once your mouth is open, water rushes in.
Kim: Nothing about kissing underwater is romantic to me for that very reason. Literally the only time I bought it was in Baz’s Romeo + Juliet and that was because they fell INTO the swimming pool kissing and it wasn’t salt water.
Maggie: Oh man, there’s a scene in Whip It where there’s so much making out and getting out of clothes underwater and all I can think when I see it is how much upper body strength for swimming that I do not have.
Kelsey: Are they FINALLY going to discuss their life’s logistics? Nope, just a fantasy. Overcooked the meatloaf, did you not have a timer? Ugh.
Maggie: This dreaming of overcooking the meatloaf makes me vomit too. He’s talking about playing house, that’s not real life.
Kim: IS ROBBY FROM 1955? WHAT THE HELL KIND OF FANTASY IS THIS?
Kelsey: “Faint noise of kids” have you ever met a kid before? You think it’ll just be a faint noise while you’re sipping wine letting dinner burn? Moron.
Sage: Oh, Robby is digging his own grave here. JoJo is like, “you have to be the cook” when he mentions the meatloaf baking in their future kitchen and he PLOWS past that statement without acknowledging it.
Kim: NICE CATCH ON THAT SAGE.
Sage: Also he wants her pregnant YESTERDAY, so like. Grab your coconut and get out of there, JoJo. Shut it down.
Sage: There’s more heavy petting on this show than I expected. America won’t like it if you don’t act like daddy’s property to lend, but by all means, they love it when you grind onto a dude’s dick in public.
Kim: IT MAKES ME SO UNCOMFORTABLE. I get very hung up on the logistics of the fact that he most DEFINITELY has a boner and like WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THAT THING YOU ARE ON CAMERA. I mean I guess you could always go naked paddleboarding like Orlando Bloom.
Maggie: WHICH PS APPARENTLY TMZ HAS NOT COVERED (NO PUN INTENDED) BUT THEY DID RUN THOSE PHOTOS OF DANIELLE AFTER LOUIS “TOOK HER TOP OFF”.
Kim: Feels good, feels organic. #EndIt
Maggie: Wait do they get another sex date?
Kim: One would think, but no.
Maggie: HE SAID JO AGAIN I HATE HIM SO MUCH YOU GUYS.
Sage: Are you fucking kidding me with these slippers?
Maggie: The “I love you” that early on was such a red flag, how are we discussing it any other way AM I TAKING CRAZY PILLS?
Kim: You are not. HE IS TOO MUCH. It makes me want to run far far away.
Sage: Robby says he dreams of hitting 18 holes with the guys and then blowing JoJo’s phone up. To remind her to make him a meatloaf, probably.
Kim: He TOTALLY is the type to think of his wife as the “little woman” who should have a perfectly made Manhattan and a foot massage waiting for him when he gets home from golf. Agree?
Maggie: AGREE. Also did she say “heart of gold” because I’m offended on Harry Styles’ behalf if so.
Kim: He’ll never have boots to match though.
Kim: “Here are some publicity stills to remind us of our journey, Joelle.”
Maggie: That would be the weird part about dating on this show, you can’t just take a damn selfie together or anything, so he presents you screenshots from the show you’re filming to sway your mind before the final rose.
Kim: This whole trend of giving the Bachelor/Bachelorette presents on the last date makes me cringe SO HARD. Do they have arts and crafts sessions? Who is the poor intern who gets stuck making these “gifts” because it sure as hell isn’t the contestants.
Maggie: YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER THAN ROBBY, JOELLE. (See, I full named Jojo because she should go to her room and think about her choices, not because I’m angling to seem closer to her than I am.)
Kim: I love that Robby is STILL of the mind that JoJo will be telling him that she loves him tonight and then he has the nerve to be disappointed when she doesn’t.
Maggie: Oh NOW Robby remembers that she was heartbroken when Ben told more than one girl he loved her when he was saying “best case scenario was Jojo says I love you AT MOTHERFUCKING HOMETOWNS” UGH ROBBY.
Kim: Also after the drama at his hometown, did he REALLY think she would drop it then? Naw, son.