Few things in the world have caused me serious emotional trauma, from which I will likely never recover. The Lost season three finale. Jim and Pam’s wedding. And, on Sunday, I experienced another event that will haunt me forever: my power went out, leaving me unable to watch What Would Ryan Lochte Do? I was devastated, you guys. Even more devastating was my inability to watch the episode until last night, hence why my recap is a few days late. But don’t worry – I could never, ever forget about this show, and the episode was worth the wait.
All right, let’s get it out-of-the-way: Ryan wasn’t quite as dumb in this episode, which was kind of a huge disappointment. Not a disappointment? That brief clip of Ryan ahem, standing at attention while laying in bed one morning (though some websites are questioning whether or not it is actually the body part in question. I say we call a spade a spade and a penis a penis, and we just let the world see what it wants. And we want a stiffy). On behalf of the world, let me just say:
Weirdly, that sets the tone for this episode of the future Emmy Award-nominated WWRLD. We’ve been hearing about her quite a lot, in heavily foreshadowed clips from his family, and it’s finally time for us to meet Jaimee, a girl Ryan has known for three or four years, who flies in from England for a week or so at a time every so often. And then I guess they just bone a lot in that week. Neither of them is really too specific as to the particulars of their relationship, so, yeah. I’m gonna assume boning.
This time, she’s only in town for the weekend, which happens to be the same weekend Ryan has a meet in Orlando. But they manage to have a day or so to themselves before they leave (during which they boned. CALLED IT!), but her presence at the meet distracts Ryan a bit. This episode, since it’s the first one to really focus on the fact that, you know, Ryan Lochte swims, is the first to give us a breakdown of his training routine, and it’s intense. Two hours of swimming, then two hours of the Strong Man workout, which, while I am purposely dumb to any and all forms of exercise and therefore cannot provide particulars, I believe consists of having a few different exercises that you consistently switch back and forth between. It looks terrible, and made me want to burrow even deeper under my blankets and take a nap, because people exerting energy makes me tired.
At the meet, Ryan doesn’t seem to be performing up to his usual standards. We’re not really told why he’s so exhausted, but I guess it’s supposed to be a result of his training regimen?
There’s some weird footage of his family worrying about his performance, including a comment from his sister (after Ryan finished the second-to-last lap in second place) that she didn’t even know if he would finish the race. Um…okay. But he wound up winning, in a twist that surprised no one (except, apparently, for his family).
Back home in Gainesville for their last night together before Jaimee has to go back to England, Ryan decides to make her dinner on his mom’s advice. It’s a pretty sweet scene, even though it’s apparently only the second time Ryan has ever cooked in his life. But his stupidity is endearing here, not really mockable, a level at which it stays for most of the episode. Given the focus on his relationship with Jaimee and the details about how he prepares for races, there’s not much room for his usual brand of stupid, but it’s okay. We need the reminders every now and then that he is a good person, and that even his stupidest moments are coming from a good place. We see this when he gets to his meet, when he interacts with some kids and signs autographs for anyone who asks. Ryan seems like a nice guy, an aspect I will be happy to forget at the first dumb thing he does in next week’s episode.
With that in mind, I can’t exactly run down his dumbest quotes, like I usually do. But don’t you worry – even though Ryan was slightly more serious this week, there’s still a slight disconnect between his brain and his mouth. Here are some of my favorite moments from the episode:
– “Jaimee does exist. She’s not fake. She’s real.” Thank you for clarifying that, Ryan. I was beginning to wonder, because there is no possible way that someone could spell their name that terribly.
– I wondered early on if he takes Jaimee to the same sushi restaurant where he takes all of his dates. Later on, I got my answer. I wasn’t disappointed.
– “I did a pretty good job. Two thumbs up for Ryan.”
– Apparently Ryan’s brother just casually hangs out in the bathroom while Ryan’s shaving his entire body for a meet. It’s a thing. Just go with it. Also, while talking about how he needs to fashion himself into a naked mole rat, Ryan talked about his love for his gold-plated razors, which led to the following moment of – say it with me – TALES….FROM…HOME…SHOPPING.
(Just take a moment to let that sink in.)
– “Who has sex and doesn’t have a smile afterwards?”
– “Why don’t you make her a nice dinner?” “Mom, that is a lot of cooking.” You beautiful tropical fish.
– Today’s Stupid of the Week goes to the quote that earned its place as the title of this post: Ryan commenting, “We’re in the 20th century.” Yes, Ryan. Yes we are.
– His date with Jaimee led to many beautiful moments, including the immortal line, “When it gets down to it, if two people aren’t connecting, it’s gonna be a shitshow.” Later, after attempting to make a pizza and then realizing he had no idea how to cook it, he literally called up a pizza place and said, “Hey, it’s Ryan. I’m not placing an order.” Guys, I don’t even care if this show is scripted. It’s a piece of art.
Let’s hope the universe has settled its score with me, and won’t prevent me from watching next week’s episode. If all goes according to plan, I’ll be back next week with another recap of What Would Ryan Lochte Do, aka Emmy Bait. Now say it with me…You know you feel it…Ready?