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“Follow this, bitches.” – In Appreciation of Cher, on her 70th Birthday

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Posted by Sarah

It’s not like I asked for this; it just kind of fell into my lap and, eighteen years later, it still refuses to go away. It was 1998, and I was an impressionable eight-year-old, content to follow whatever music was popular on the one good radio station in my hometown. It had served me well so far, so why mess with a good thing? Then one day, as I settled into the normal routine, this happened:

And I was never the same.

My lovely friend (and HOF contributor) Maggie once told me that everyone has a diva, that one celebrity you love openly and unconditionally with your whole heart. And Cher is, without a doubt, my queen diva. The second I heard “Believe,” I was absorbed in the music, and it wasn’t long before I dove head first into everything she had done in her career and never looked back. Personally, I have a lot to love about her. She served as a pretty badass role model in my formative years. Her music gave me a safe haven to feel whatever emotions I had at any given time. And thanks to “Dov’è L’Amore,” she taught me the only Italian I will probably ever know in my life. But this doesn’t even begin to cover all the things that make her a force to be reckoned with.

In honor of Cher’s 70th birthday, I thought I’d highlight some of the things that make her my diva. I feel like I’m only scratching the surface here, because this is a woman who has reigned supreme for over fifty years, and there is so much to celebrate. But if you were to stop and ask me why I love her so much, these are some of the answers I would have at the ready. Her body of work has given me so much joy over the years, and I know I’m only one in the sea of people who feel the same way. This is an icon. This is a legend.

This is Cher.

She changed popular music in four minutes.

It’s no secret that “Believe” is Cher’s biggest hit to date; it was literally everywhere when it was first released. And one of the reasons it exploded was because people couldn’t figure out that thing she was doing with her voice; you know what thing I’m talking about. At this point, we all know what Auto-Tune is, but back in 1998, everyone lost their damn mind because no one did that before, and it quickly became known as “The Cher Effect.” Now, Auto-Tune has been done to death because we know it’s there and therefore we will use it for everything, but for a glorious period in the late-‘90s, “Believe” completely challenged the boundaries of what the public thought was possible in popular music.

There are about 847 versions of her, and all of them are amazing.

Cher is a goddamn chameleon. She’s switched up her musical style countless times over the years to adapt to the changing tides in popular music; if you go through her catalog chronologically, it sounds so effortless. And there’s a Cher for every mood! Want something more on the electronic side? There’s a Cher for that. Feeling nostalgic for disco? There’s a Cher for that. Maybe you’re craving that ‘70s classic rock sound. Yep, you guessed it…there’s a Cher for that. Sensitive singer/songwriter? What have I been telling you?

My personal favorite, though, would have to be ‘80s Rocker Cher. It’s not only because of the music, although the music is a big part of it; I mean, come on…”I Found Someone“? “We All Sleep Alone“? The revamped “Bang Bang?” “If I Could Turn Back Time?” Yes to all of it. But I love the music videos that came out of this decade, because she did some amazing things in them. My favorite is the “I Found Someone” video, where she slipped into some chain mail to go to the club and make her boyfriend jealous via a guy who looked exactly like him, and then sang on some train tracks for a second because why not.

The video for “We All Sleep Alone,” which has a solid place in my top five favorite songs of all time, is basically a make out session in what I can only assume is an abandoned construction site? Unless you prefer the alternate version, in which case, I have questions: who are all these people, why are so many things on fire, and WHAT IS ALL THIS DANCING? Seriously, I didn’t know until very recently that there were two versions of this video, and I’m completely mesmerized by it; I need the official story ASAP. And then there’s the infamous video for “If I Could Turn Back Time” where she wore an outfit controversial enough to make it relegated strictly to late night viewing on MTV (it’s called a butt, you guys…everybody has one), then spawned a legion of fans showing up to concerts in sailor hats and a ban on filming anything on any naval ship ever again.

Bad. Ass. Woman.

“I am a fucking Oscar winner.”

 

In the past, I’ve written about Moonstruck and Mermaids, and I don’t want to repeat myself. But of course I have to talk about her acting skills. Because not only does she have skills, she has Academy Award-winning skills. People were reluctant to see her as a legitimate actress at first. In her autobiography, The First Time, Cher recalls a story of being in a movie theater as the trailer for Silkwood was shown. The audience reacted positively to seeing Meryl Streep and Kurt Russell’s names projected on the screen. But once her name was shown, the audience started laughing (she had some of the most poignant scenes in that movie; who were these assholes?).

Needless to say, she showed them.

(Can we appreciate how Meryl Streep is so genuinely excited for Cher that she jumped out of her seat and cheered, even though she was up for the same damn award? Bless your light, Meryl.)

In addition to the Oscar nomination and Golden Globe win for Silkwood, Cher racked up Golden Globe nominations for Come back to the 5 & Dime, Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean and Mask, culminating in Globe and Oscar wins for Moonstruck in 1988. There’s a definite stigma when it comes to famous performers in one medium crossing over to another. It happens a lot and it fails a lot, but it’s a shame that when it fails, it completely detracts from the successes. And I think it’s fair to say that Cher is a resounding success. Can we just look at her range for a second? She proved she could do comedy with Moonstruck, Mermaids, and The Witches of Eastwick (I could watch the “You have no taste, a lousy sense of humor, and you smell” speech all day). Silkwood, Mask, and Tea with Mussolini round out a pretty phenomenal dramatic turn. She seamlessly straddled the line between comedy and drama in Come back to the 5 & Dime, Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean. She crushed the whole suspense thing with Suspect. She even took a turn in the director’s chair, with the third segment of 1996’s If These Walls Could Talk. You know…in addition to having a small role in it. And did I hear you say you wanted a movie musical? I thought so. Welcome to Burlesque, bitches:

And while it’s not part of her cinematic career, her variety show days should not go unrecognized. In both the show she did with Sonny and her solo show, her comedic timing is so on point, and she serves up so many laughs. Not to mention she created one of the most hysterical recurring characters ever with the gum chewing, clashingly clad, raspy-voiced Laverne. Is there anything she can’t do?

She might actually be a higher power?

 

Leave it to Will & Grace to expose everything.

Cher had two spectacular guest appearances on this show; I will never be over Jack McFarland mistaking her for a drag queen and trying to out-Cher her. But it’s the second appearance that decided to just completely go there, and portrayed her as God in Jack’s dream. And let’s be real: if Cher’s going to whip out sage advice and spontaneously perform songs from her latest album, then I am totally fine with this version of heaven. Of course, now I can’t hear “A Different Kind of Love Song” without also hearing Jack in the back of my mind (“YOU’RE HAWKING YOUR ALBUM DURING MY DREAM?!”). But I’m fine with it, so long as she keeps singing and telling people to follow their bliss.

“Welcome to the Cherest show on Earth!”

When you buy a ticket for a Cher concert, you buy a ticket for an EVENT; it’s like Jack McFarland’s vision of heaven times one thousand. It’s my ultimate happy place. Thousands of fans singing their lungs out to the greatest hits (some of them in Cher drag, more of them with sailor hats to throw on stage if they’re lucky enough to have a close seat), insane costumes, mind-blowingly talented dancers, and some of the best entrances you’ve ever seen in your life? What more could you possibly want?

As the tours go on—at least in the time that I’ve been a fan and been spending more money than I care to admit on concert tickets because WHAT IF THIS REALLY IS THE LAST TOUR—she seems to make her shows progressively more elaborate, and I can’t love her enough for that. The “Do You Believe?” tour is basically everything you want out of a pop concert. Aerialists doing astounding flips above a group of dancers doing equally astounding things on stage. Ridiculously flawless Bob Mackie costumes (I really need Cher to be a shiny pirate more often). Guys in bald caps walking on stilts. And, of course, Cher showcasing some of the highest points of her career while thousands of fans dance and sing along.

The “Farewell” tour—or, as I like to call it, LIES, because we all know how that turned out—pulled out all the stops. If you’re going to go out, you go out on top…but not until you extend the tour for three years, causing it to be known in some circles as the “Never Can Say Goodbye” tour. The dancers and the aerialists are still insanely talented, the Mackie creations are still impeccable, and the hits are still brilliant. But this time, she makes her first entrance coming down from the sky on a giant chandelier, looking like a fierce snow queen. She rides on a mechanical elephant because she can. And best of all, she throws on a ringmaster costume to welcome you to the Cherest Show on Earth, but not before explaining that she wanted to make her “last” show so fabulous that she could look to the pop stars coming up and utter those four infamous words:

And then she kind of ended up becoming one of those bitches by not only having a residency in Vegas, but also by going on tour again with “Dressed to Kill” in 2014. So what happens when you have to top what was supposed to be the last time you ever put on a show? You become a vampire to sing the song you named the tour after. You bust out of a Trojan horse after a costume change to sing one song, and then run off stage to switch outfits. You sing a duet of “I Got You Babe” with a video projection of Sonny and make thousands of people really emotional. You fly above the audience for the encore, because clearly you are not of this world, and we are not worthy.

The best part is that “Do You Believe?” and the “Farewell” tour were released on DVD—and YouTube is lousy with clips from D2K—to revisit whenever you’re in the mood for Trojan horses, mechanical elephants, or shiny pirates. Bask in this woman’s ability to put on a show.

She’s crazy resilient.

Here’s where the badass role model part kicks in.

During her episode of Behind the Music, Cher quipped, “There was a cartoon once that said ‘After the nuclear holocaust, there’ll be cockroaches and Cher.’ So I think that pretty much sums it up.” And yeah, it’s a joke, but it’s one of those jokes that feels like it’s 100% true because history leads you to that conclusion. Every time the public thought her career was over, she came back stronger than before, kicking ass and taking names. Every time the tabloids tried to make a story, it always seemed as though it just slid off her like she was Teflon. The good outweighs the bad, and the fan support and love outweigh the critics.

As I grew up, learning more and more about her career and seeing her ability to just shake it off, it was like seeing one of the great lessons of life being put to action. Your determination and your strong will dictate your success in whatever you do; the naysayers don’t. And just because you may be down now, that doesn’t mean you’ll stay that way. When I was eight and putting “Believe” on repeat all day, there was no way to ever realize I would be gaining something that deep. But now, as a 26-year-old woman trying to navigate the grown-up world, I take it to heart and I am eternally grateful for it.

She’s the best at Twitter, and everyone else can stop trying.

Seriously, if you’re not following her account, you’re doing it wrong. By now, you’ve probably seen one of the myriad of articles that chronicle the highest of the high points in her social media game, so I know this isn’t uncharted territory. But I feel compelled to reiterate that the online world is brighter because Cher’s opinions and emojis are in it. And she covers everything from pop culture (see her above rumination on Madonna) to the existential:

To teasing upcoming projects:

(I don’t even care that that project didn’t come out when she thought it would. I just really love the idea of everybody laughing with Cher for a full day.)

And thanks to Twitter, she actually became my favorite political pundit. Look, we all know this current election cycle is bonkers, and it’s hard to believe that this is really where we’re at right now. Cher openly and consistently shares her views about how messed up things are, and while she usually doesn’t take these things lightly, there have been occasions where she made me laugh and alleviated the uneasiness for a moment. And pretty much all of these occasions involve Donald Trump in one way or another.

Never change, Cher. Never change.

One time, she got me to watch a football game.

Okay, cards on the table: I don’t really do sports. I’ve gone to baseball games before and enjoyed myself, but outside of that, they’re just not for me. While most people usually spend Super Bowl Sunday watching the game, my Super Bowl usually consists of a marathon of a sitcom that’s at least thirty years old. If you’re going to tear me away from eight episodes of Laverne & Shirley in a row, you’ve got to bring your A-game. You’ve got to do something like have Cher sing the National Anthem.

OH WAIT, THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

Super Bowl XXXIII, 1999: at the height of “Believe” mania, Cher walks out onto the field and reminds everyone that she doesn’t need to play around with Auto-Tune to blow your mind. If it’s not clear by now that I’m biased, let me just clear this up for you: I’m biased. But I can’t be the only one who thinks this is one of the best renditions of the National Anthem ever performed. It’s beautifully compelling, and her treatment of “the brave” is something I think about every time I hear another performer’s version; more people should sing it like that, but I know they wouldn’t come close to doing it like she did. America!

She’s not afraid to poke fun at herself.

 

You know how sometimes you look at a massive celebrity and think that they must take themselves far too seriously? You don’t get that at all with Cher. She seems to be of the “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” mentality, and it’s absolutely wonderful. Take her stint in 2003’s Stuck on You, for instance, where she plays “herself.” She takes the diva stereotype and runs with it in all its exaggerated glory (“I don’t beg. And do you know why I don’t beg? BECAUSE I AM A FUCKING OSCAR WINNER.”), topping it all off with a few nods to her tendency to date younger men.

She makes quips like this all the time outside of any fictional work, but one of my favorite instances comes from her solo variety show, as she interacts with gossipy telephone operator Ernestine (bonus Lily Tomlin!). Cher’s addressed tabloid perceptions of her before—listen to “Mirror Image” from the Prisoner album—but I love how she has a little fun with it in a visual format.

She transcends generational gaps.

Recently, I tore through a series rewatch of The Nanny, conquering six seasons in a little under two weeks because sometimes self-control eludes me (I just really love Fran Drescher, okay?). In a first season episode entitled “Ode to Barbra Joan,” this exchange occurs between Fran and her mother in regards to the great Barbra Streisand:

Sylvia: I just love her.
Fran: I love her more.
Sylvia: I loved her first.
Fran: I’ll love her last.

As soon as I saw that, my first instinct was to pause the episode and immediately share this with my mom, because this is EXACTLY how we are about Cher. I’ve lost count of the number of times my mom lorded the fact that she’s been around for more of Cher’s career than I have over me, while I prove my fan status by presenting songs she hasn’t heard before and clips she hasn’t seen. Strip it down, though, and you get a mutual love of an icon between two different generations, and I think there’s a great power in that. Cher’s music has gone through so many changes throughout the years—and been successful—that just about every generation in the time of her career can connect in some way. She’s common ground; it’s insane how many times strangers have seen my “Believe” tattoo or notice whatever tour shirt I’m wearing and feel compelled to make conversation with me. Nearly everyone has a Cher experience of some kind.

I don’t think I get as big a sense of bridging the gap as I do when I’m at one of her concerts. When Cher was on the D2K tour, I was in New Jersey for her show because of a last-minute ticket I bought the night before, while I was in the merch line at her Brooklyn stop (again, I have no self-control, but this time I had money, oops). While waiting for the doors to open, there was a girl who couldn’t have been more than twelve years old, talking with her mom, thrilled out of her mind that she was about to see Cher for the first time. I couldn’t help but smile, because I was her age the first time I saw Cher with my mom, during what was meant to be the Farewell tour; I was just as excited to sit in my nosebleed seat and see my diva at work back then, and it was wonderful to see this girl so excited now. Later on, as we were allowed into the arena and I took my seat, I made fast friends with a couple in their sixties seated next to me, talking about mutual favorite songs and past experiences of seeing her perform. It didn’t matter that we had never met before, and literally knew nothing more about each other than the fact that we all love Cher. The conversation came easy, and that one mutual interest made it safe to strike it up in the first place.

The fact that Cher is still making kids flip out over the prospect of seeing her live is incredible. The fact that the forty-year age difference between me and the couple next to me was absolutely meaningless is amazing to me, because I’ve had plenty of experiences growing up where the opposite happened. In my experience as a fan, I’ve witnessed so many people who wouldn’t have interacted otherwise come together like they’re best friends to celebrate the music and career of this woman. I’ve made friendships that I probably never would have made without the jumping off point of her body of work. She’s always bringing people together, whether she knows it or not.

And for that, and so much more, I thank her.

Is Cher your diva too? Let’s chat in the comments and celebrate a legend.

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