Supernatural: Season 12, Episode 1
“Keep Calm and Carry On”
Posted by Dawn and Jaymee
It was a long hellatus but damn, are we back with a “mother”fucking bang. Mary Winchester is back and she is taking no prisoners, except for perhaps a few in her own mind, as she adjusts to having been dead for 33 years. We have a new big baddie in the form of a human woman: Toni Bevell, a Woman of Letters from the UK. She wears jodhpurs. We all basically hate her already. But with two strong women leading us into season 12, our reaction gifs will be other kick-ass female characters we love. Welcome to Season 12 of Supernatural. Hold on to your heart.
We open exactly where we left off: Dean in the woods in the middle of nowhere, staring at the face of his now-alive mom (thanks, Amara!). Dean reaches for his mom. She, in turn, sends Dean to the ground with a serious arm behind the back hold (and a kick to the ribs, we think) and asks, “Where am ? Who the hell are you?” Dean responds, “I’m Dean Winchester. I’m your son.” And Mary quite reasonably shoots back, “No, my Dean is four years old.” “I was,” Dean says. “When you died.” And Mary’s memory of the night that started it all comes rushing back. She lets go with a gasp.
Dean offers her a quick run of facts: when she was born and to whom, where they lived, everything Dad told him. He tells her when she and John met and how, and gives her enough details that she believes the unbelievable. She even ends his story by saying, “And then I burned.” Both Jensen Ackles and Samantha Smith (Mary) are to be credited for their acting in this scene, and we love Mary instantly. When they finally hug, it yanks heartstrings right out. Dean’s face is everything we have been waiting for, as he gets something he thought was out of reach forever.
A truck driver is heading down the road when a meteor blows right through a billboard for “The Mystery Spot”and damn near into his truck. Dawn briefly holds her breath for a cameo and is only slightly disappointed when the meteor turns out to have been Castiel. So now we know what happens to angels when they are banished. He wants to know where he is, specifically how far he is from Lebanon, KS. It’s three hours. Cas wastes no time. The driver’s mind is wiped clean, he falls to the ground, and Cas takes the truck. Awww. His first grand theft auto.
Dean and Mary are sitting on a bench, talking about how John died and how the boys became hunters, and how often she has actually met her adult son, both alive and dead. She remembers nothing of the meetings, and is trying to wrap her head around everything. “It’s a lot,” Dean says. “I know it’s a lot.” This is the understatement of the decade.
Now we are outside an unknown house, and the British bitch who shot Sam is waking up the cranky doctor who lives inside. She shows him the trussed and bleeding Sam she has in her trunk and calmly tells him to remove the bullet from Sammy’s leg. The doc, who is actually a veterinarian, is like “WTF, no”; Toni (with a Chuck-damned i at the end, FFS) is like “how about YES” (helped by her bodyguard showing off his piece), telling him, “Animals, people, they’re all meat.” She’s charming. We can’t wait until Mary kills her. Doc is still like, “nope.” He changes his mind when she opens her bag and flashes literally piles of bound $100s. He’s now very helpful. Student loans are a bitch, yo.
Now there’s a dead guy with his eyes burnt out lying on the floor of another house. Crowley (Hail to the king!) is looking over him, a rather thoughtful expression on his face. Two guys in suits – sorry, demons in suits – come through the door. The chubby bearded one is bitching about work; the bespectacled one seems more gung-ho about working for Lucifer. They find the dead guy on the floor; Crowley is not there. Our king is eavesdropping, angel blade in hand. The demons are there to clean, then “go meet the man.”
Back to Toni, who is on the phone telling her kid that she misses them and loves them “so, so much.” All while Sam is chained and bound to a wooden chair (that looks like it was made by a freshman wood shop class) in the basement. Also she is still wearing jodhpurs, which Dawn finds irrationally infuriating.
Dawn: Who wears jodhpurs to a torturing? And she’s not even wearing riding boots with them. Who wears pumps with jodhpurs? I hate her already.
Jay: Also, like, who the hell picks the the open door leading to your prisoner as the one place in your hideout to talk to your kid on the phone? That just screams poor planning; leaking your one true vulnerability within any distance of your enemy. ALSO, super cliche dressing the British girl in horse riding attire. Jodhpurs with a blue blazer. Come on we get it already, “She’s not from round these parts, ya’hear.”
We are calling her Jodhpurs from now on. Jodhpurs has a friend, who happily jolts Sam awake with a cattle prod as Jodhpurs takes a seat and says, “Now, Sam, let’s begin.” Sam knows who she is and he would like to know where they are, because…
Essentially, the British branch of the Men (and Women) of Letters has been watching our boys “for years” and they are rather fed up with the Winchester penchant for breaking the world, so they’ve decided “things need to change.” Cue the unearthly laughter of several thousand preternatural beings who are like, “You have not been paying attention.” Sassy Sam is sassy. Jodhpurs assures Sam that if he just answers her questions, he can walk right out the door. Sam essentially tells her to go fuck herself and reminds her that he has been tortured by no less than Lucifer, “And you, you’re just an accent in a pantsuit. What can you do to me?” Freezing cold water boarding, apparently. We are always up for some soaking wet Sammy, but this is definitely not our kink. He is shivering before long, but that doesn’t keep him from telling them both again, “Screw you.”
Dawn: I would also like to point out that the cold shower is a sprinkler attached to a garden hose and stuck to the ceiling. Frankly, I expected more from the London Chapter.
Jay: First, Sassy Sammy is best Sammy, and his outlook on torture is getting hilarious. Second, I just want to have a Sam Winchester torture counter, cause, like, what is this, 5-6 times now? At least once every season since he came back from the cage. In fact, I think the whole season after he got his soul back should count twice.
To the Bunker! Where there is blood on the floor and an angel banishing sigil on the wall. Dean hands his mother a revolver that was taped underneath the map table and goes to search on his own. Mom does the same, briefly fascinated by the books in the library. She hears a door open, ducks into a doorway, then turns the gun on the intruder: “Hands in the air, get on your knees.” Damn, Mom.
It’s Cas, who has about as much patience as Mary right now. He wants to know who she is; she doesn’t give two fucks what he wants. Dean walks in to see his mother training a gun on his best friend. He gets mom to stand down, and is rewarded with a huge bear hug from Cas. Dean’s embarrassed but relieved smile is precious. He wants to know where Sam is; Cas wants to know how he is still alive. Mary wants to know who the hell her son is talking to.
Dean: He’s an angel.
Mary: Come again?
We loved us some Casifer but damn, it’s good to have Castiel back. Our angel briefly explains what happened, but he doesn’t really know much. Dean does a quick computer search, then decides it’s time to head out.
Hold on your hearts, please. Dean takes Mary to see Baby. “Hi, sweetheart,” she says softly to the Impala. “Did you miss me?” And this is us:
Mother and son share a moment as they both gaze lovingly at the car that meant so much to John, and to both of them. And then Mary gazes lovingly at the back seat, with a little smirk on her face. And Dean does this:
Dawn: It’s ok, honey. I was conceived in the back of a ‘67 muscle car, too. (True story. It was a Plymouth GTX.)
Jay: Personally, I think Dean was more mortified at the fact that him, his dad and mom, and Sam were all getting some in the exact same spot. Talk about your family bonding. If those seats could talk…
Back to Sam, who is shivering with cold but absolutely defiant. “Screw you,” he says again. Toni tells him that he is not brave, but just bad at his job. We really, really want her dead. She goes on to explain how all of Great Britain is warded and how they can pick up monsters within 20 minutes and kill them within 40 and blah blah blah.
Dawn: Well, when you’re highly organized, funded, and protecting an island that’s the roughly the size of Alabama, I am sure that you guys are amazingly good at your job. But when it’s two people and one reasonably fucked-up angel trying to protect an area roughly 40 times the size of your country, shit gets a little more complicated, bitch.
Jay: Also, fuck that bitch. Our boys do good work. And maybe if the British Contingency would have offered their help years ago, half the stuff that went wrong wouldn’t have gone wrong.
She calls Sam a lost cause and “hopes” there are other hunters they can work with and teach in order to “make America….safe.” Yeah, that’s right. They went there.
Sam tells her to go fuck herself again, so Jodhpurs’ buddy breaks out a blowtorch and takes it to Sammy’s feet. It’s just as horrifying as you think.
Back to DemonDumb and DemonDumber, and more burnt out bodies. Lucifer calls. The demons are panicky; the boss won’t tell them where he is because he thinks they are being followed. Sound of throat clearing. “Hello, boys.” Hellooooooo, Crowley.
We love him but let’s sum him up: Crowley explains that Lucifer is jumping from vessel to vessel; he is running because he is weak. Crowley says he will kill Lucifer. The demons laugh. Crowley kills them. Later on, Crowley finds another burnt-out body and an EMT unwittingly confirms Crowley’s theory. More on that next week.
Dean, Mom, and Cas have found Jodhpurs’ driver. Driver tries to deny it. Cas headbutts him. Cas is NOT having it.
Back to the torture chamber. Sam’s feet are horrific. Jodhpurs’ friend says, “No one can take that much pain and no break. No one.” Bitch, we thought you said you people have been watching. You were clearly not paying attention.
Friend tells her to “make the call.” Jodhpurs blanches a bit, saying, “I don’t want that psychopath anywhere near me.” Curious…. Anyway, she decides to inject Sam with something to “break his mind,” because no one has ever tried that trick before.
Mary sees a family with two young children, and all the electronics they use. Cas, who is probably the only one who really understands the confusion she is feeling, brings her coffee. There is some bonding. It’s adorable. Dean comes over with bad news – the plane that “Evil Elsa” flew in on has diplomatic registry. They find the veterinarian who dug the bullet out of Sam’s leg and convince him to talk. Cas wants to beat his ass; Dean actually has to stop him. Veterinarian spills, but Mary thinks he is holding something back. “Hurt him” she says to Cas. Mary is badass. Even Dean is like, damn, mom. Cas grabs the vet by the throat; veterinarian gives up the digits.
Jay: I really can’t help but look forward to the culture shock and bonding between Castiel and Mary. I feel like they have so many parallels to their coming to earth. Seeing Dean first, being disoriented, attacking/being attacked by Dean within the first five seconds of seeing him. It’s Season 4 all over again.
Sam wakes up on the ground; his foot is bandaged and he is alone. Jodpurs and friend are watching via a video feed and sorely underestimating Sam. The phone rings; it’s the veterinarian. Dean grabs the phone and gets his moment: “Listen, bitch. I don’t care who you are. I don’t care what you want. You have my brother…I’m gonna give you one chance, just one, to hand Sam back..You think you can run from me? Try it. ‘Cause when I find you, and I will find you, if he is not in one piece, I will take you apart.” It is absolutely as hot as you think it is. Then he SNAPS THE FUCKING PHONE IN HALF.
And it was a real phone. A solid one. Not pre-cracked in any way. Emma Peterson, Assistant Production Coordinator for SPN, confirmed it via Twitter.
Sammy begins to hallucinate, mostly about everyone who is dead or who he thinks is dead. He hears his brother say, “We’re all dead because of you, Sam.”
Team Free Sam drives on, with Mom and Dean discussing the plan. Then a white truck comes out of nowhere and SMASHES into the Impala, knocking Mary cold. It’s Jodhpurs’ friend. She proceeds to wipe up the road with both Dean and Cas. She also has Dean’s gun, which she points at them both and trash talks. She takes an an angel blade through the chest for her troubles. MARY IS BAD ASS. “Thanks, Mom,” Dean says.
Sammy keeps hearing Dean: “It’s your fault. It’s your fault.” He smashes a mirror, grabs a shard of glass, cuts his own throat, and falls to the ground.
Even Jodhpurs is amazed. She rushes to the basement and to the body on the floor, and…
Sammy jumps up and grabs her by her throat, damn near choking her out before letting her fall to the floor and trying to get away. But the bitch has the cattle prod and she manages to keep him locked in.
Back to the roadside massacre. Dean and Cas push the white truck into the woods; Mary stares at her hands. Dean tells her that he got some info from the cell phone, then asks if she is okay. She is not. She spent her life running from hunting, and never wanted it for her boys. Dean does his best to assure her that this is their life, and that he knows he and his brother make the world a better place.
Dawn: In 12 seasons, I have never, ever heard Dean speak with so much confidence and conviction about himself. This is what having his mother back means to him. This is everything finally leading to something good, even with Sam missing. I am so proud of him, and I fear for what heartbreak may come.
Jay: Whenever I see Dean talking to Mary, all I can think about is the impact this is going to have on Sam, who never knew her; along with how the brothers’ relationship is going to change now that she’s back.
The Impala heads down the road, Dean driving and Mary staring out the window; Sammy sits on the dark cellar stairs, sweating, bleeding, despairing; Jodhpurs watches the video feed, concern crossing her face for the first time; and all of it to the strains of Black Sabbath’s “Solitude”: Sunshine is far away/clouds linger on/everything I possessed/now they are gone/the world is a lonely place/you’re on your own.” Cue end credits.
Leave your comments on the Season 12 premiere below and don’t forget to follow our SPN recappers on Twitter @pieandshotguns!