“When Will Josh and His Friend Leave Me Alone?”
Posted by Sage
Rachel Bloom warned me. But I couldn’t watch this week’s Crazy Ex live. We were covering a con last weekend, so staying off of Twitter until I could was impossible. So it didn’t take long for a Satino Fontana exit interview to cross my timeline the next morning. MID-PANEL.
Kim: Is it bad?
Me: *nods*
Kim: Is it Greg?
Me: *nods*
Kim: …..
Kim: You look like you’re about to burst into tears.
Knowing what I knew, I put it off for a few more days. I cleared everything else off of my DVR before finally pressing play. It’s okay, though. I mean, it’s NOT. Not for me. But it’s a bold and character-driven story choice, unlike some write-offs I know. (*Glares at Sleepy Hollow*) Though I will love Greg Serrano until the day I die, Rebecca is the show. We’re here to see how she copes with situations like these. (Spoiler alert: not well.) And as I said in last week’s recap, there really was no realistic way to keep Greg in West Covina forever, even if the Emory money hadn’t come through as soon as it did. To paraphrase Rachel Green, “He lifts right out!”
Dr. Akopian was right, as usual. Rebecca was in no state to experience two break-ups in rapid succession. They send her to her couch, where good ol’ Paula is there to remind her that she still has a life. Rebecca dedicated herself to dealing with these men because it gave her purpose. Without Greg and Josh in her life, she’s lost, because she doesn’t have anything left to distract her from the things she doesn’t like about herself. “I don’t know who I am without them,” she wails. “I know that’s pathetic, but it’s true.”
Heather Davis even lends Rebecca some of her work wear, so the lawyer can go into the office looking collected and totally over her two recent heartbreaks.
In a characteristically professional move, Rebecca recuses herself from the case so that she can enter the competition to BE Miss Douche. It’s an Instagram throwdown with “mermaids who grew feet,” and Heather thinks it’s a disastrous idea. Her parents, on the other hand, are all about trying without a hope of success. It’s what’s shaped Heather into the unambitious cynic she is today. With their support (and a song), Rebecca embarks on a “makey-makeover” montage scored by a cloying Toni Basil-esque bop. (“Old you in the garbage, new you in display case!”)
What does being Miss Douche have to do with being a well-adjusted adult? Literally nothing, but Rebecca latches onto it anyway. If she can win this contest, everyone will know she’s okay. ( “Look at that new Miss Douche, she really has her act together.”) Of course, her J.Lo makeover achieves the opposite of her goal. She looks sad, desperate, and disoriented. And her “dead people hair” is literally falling out in clumps onto Paula’s desk. When she runs into Josh looking like a Jersey salon receptionist, he looks at her with pity. And he hasn’t even seen the video. (Polar bear related internet cleanse, natch.) Josh can be dense when it comes to reading people, but in this moment, he’s on the money. “Whatever you’re going through right now,” he says, “it’ll get better, I promise.”
The reaction of her coworkers and one of two exes is not what Rebecca was hoping for, so plants herself back on another couch. Heather wakes her to tell her that the internet bots she paid to like her photo did their job whether she wanted them to or not; Rebecca is a Miss Douche finalist and damn if Heather is going to let her quit. I love what Heather does here, even though she thinks this contest is totally irrelevant and stupid. Her parents let her drop out of anything she wanted to. And though they really do think the world of her, that kind of enabling didn’t do Heather any favors. She’s beginning to realize that she should have been pushed. And if her parents showed their love for her by no letting her take shortcuts and sit on the sidelines, her life would be much different. Heather doesn’t want to see Rebecca back down for fear of failure or any other reason. (“Girl, get your hair glue and let’s vamanos.”) LADIES.
Rebecca and her fellow contestants sit on the stage in their American Eagle festival wear, with the Davis’s cheering her on from the audience. What’s happening is so false on so many levels. Douching is unhealthy. Vaginas are self-cleaning, like nice ovens. We know this. It’s 2016. Trina wants to blame “Big Vagina” for all that “anti-douche research,” as if anyone in Washington is successfully lobbying for lady parts. So this company is trying to buy the image of carefree millennial femininity to hawk a product that women don’t need. And is Rebecca not trying to douche her entire character right now? The extensions, the gold chains, the nails – they’re just covering up what’s going on underneath. The true Rebecca is the vagina in this metaphor and that vagina doesn’t need a perfume that smells like salad to make it okay. What I’m trying to say is don’t buy douche.
But first, Rebecca has to make peace with a ghost. She goes back into her house to have a conversation with all her memories of Greg. He broke up with her and now she has to return the favor. Life is weird. You’d think you’d want to hold onto happy memories, but sometimes it’s healthier to just let them fade. She asks him to leave her head and her heart, otherwise she won’t be able to do what he did and move on. She hopes she’ll be happy for him someday. And now I’m sad again, because these actors are so lovely together.
I do wish that Paula had told Rebecca what was happening with her, and I think she will eventually. But I also applaud that the show had Paula make this call on her own. I love that her abortion wasn’t kept a secret from her teenage son. And cheers to the CW for airing episodes of two different shows this season where women who are not penniless, alone, or at health risk decide to end their pregnancies because they simply don’t want to bring a child into the world right now. Like Xo on Jane the Virgin, Paula isn’t saddle with weeping guilt or a harangued deliberation scene. Just a bit of a lie in.
So, there you have it. The love triangle is no more. The show is BASICALLY rebooted, halfway through its sophomore season. And if that means a sharper focus on Rebecca’s friendships and other non-romantic things, I’m on board.
I’m keeping #TeamGreg in my Twitter bio though. Just in case.
The Situation’s A Lot More Nuanced Than That:
- Soooo, is that it for this season’s theme song?
- Valencia is back and she’s eating her feelings!
- Of course Paula would be proud of Greg. They’re both spreading their wings. Head canon that they email about school sometimes.
- I almost retched at Brendan eating a spoonful of mustard. Teenage boys are disgusting.
- The guacamole guy cameo.
- Remember when Heather’s last name was Patel?
- “Memory spirits will not mess with Mama Paula.”
- If Karen ever gets a song, I WILL DIE.
- #AlwaysHydrate
Were you shocked by Gregxit? Did you see Paula’s decision coming? Let us know what you thought of the ep in the comments!
Did you know Bloom went full-on actual dyed blonde for that episode? Originally they had planned to keep her blonde for the rest of the season (minus the extensions, one presumes) but a blonde Bloom kind’a freaked everyone out on-set, things got weird. And after two days they nixed the blonde idea.
I had no idea!!! – K