Kim: I’m not ready for three hours of this. #TeamPeter
Maggie: Colin was walking in and stopped in his tracks when he saw my baffled face as Rachel said HER SOUL IS ENTWINED WITH ERIC’S. THAT IS A DAMN LIE, RACHEL.
Kim: We should have known we were in for it from that very moment.
Maggie: It’s still so crazy to me we’re doing this live with a studio audience.
Kim: When Harrison at first was all “This is going to be totally different,” I thought”Okay, sure it will.” And then he brought out Rachel first thing and I was like “OH DAMN.”
Maggie: I take it Rachel being on stage is a big deal?
Kim: Yes. They have NEVER done it this way or had any sort of “live commentary” before.
Maggie: How is Robby going to maintain that coif in Paradise though? Never mind, he showered with his hair did, now I remember.
Maggie: That Juan Pablo mention was random and weird or I just don’t know this world very well?
Kim: He was a “fan favorite” during Desiree’s season. They picked him to the be The Bachelor and he was AWFUL. Andi NOTORIOUSLY called him out for being self-centered and terrible after the Fantasy Suite and promptly dumped him (which cemented her being named as the next Bachelorette). He ALSO told his winner that “He liked her…a lot.” instead of proposing. He was a piece of work.
Maggie: This series has a lot of dumpster fires.
Kim: AND YET I STILL WATCH EVERY YEAR.
Kim: Speaking of a dumpster fire, we go right back to Rachel and Peter’s dinner before the fantasy suite. IF SHE CUTS HIM I AM TAPPING OUT.
Maggie: I don’t think I knew about her five-year relationship? That gives her reaction, and honestly her being on these shows, some needed context for me.
Kim: Yes, agree. The fact that she’s really been in this place with someone before says a lot. That said: You’re crying because you LOVE HIM THINK ABOUT IT RACHEL.
Maggie: I don’t think the commitment they each want is actually that different, it feels more like semantics? But at this point if he doesn’t propose, they’re breaking up.
Kim: Yep, yep. They are talking about the same things. SOMEONE is gonna have to give if they want this to go anywhere. I think he just wants to know that he’s THE ONE too. Like, I can’t IMAGINE proposing to someone if you don’t KNOW they are going to say yes. Who wants to put themselves out there like that?
Maggie: OH RIGHT FANTASY SUITE.
Kim: “Maybe there will be clarity in the morning.” *After we do it*
Maggie: I like that he said he would take the key if she wanted him to because she was totally throwing the ball in his corner but that’s a decision he shouldn’t make on his own.
Kim: Shirtless post coital Peter thank yooooooooooou show.
Maggie: TOPLESS SMILEY PETER MY BODY WASN’T READY.
Kim: SO SMILEY.
Maggie: Kim, who do you think made the coffee and who made breakfast?
Kim: A VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION. I want to say Rachel made the coffee and Peter made breakfast shirtless. For reasons.
Maggie: “For reasons.”
Maggie: Peter doesn’t have a storyline reason for the not wanting to propose, right? It’s just that’s a normal person acting like these are normal circumstances?
Kim: Yep. This whole thing came a bit out of nowhere.
Kim: Ugh I forgot we still had Face Eater’s fantasy date. THE STRUCTURE OF THIS WHOLE THING IS SO OFF.
Maggie: UGH FACE EATER. He has a real Robby vibe now that I think of it, remember the blind confidence he had? Like he thought maybe Jojo had sent everyone else home before the last day? FINGERS CROSSED BRYAN LOSES AND ONLY GETS PARADISE AND NOT BACHELOR.
Kim: God, that’s the dream.
Maggie: Awkward because she’s thinking about Peter and not you? That checks out.
Kim: Peter messed with your mind??????????
Maggie: He’s the only one being real, he’s not playing mindgames or anything, but okay.
Kim: “I don’t know if you’re enjoying this but I truly am.” No, Chris Harrison, no one is enjoying this.
Maggie: She mostly just looks exhausted during this conversation with Bryan, I just want to take her home and give her a blanket and ice cream.
Kim: I just feel like her bullshit meter has maybe gone way up with him or am I caught in wishful thinking?
Maggie: WISHFUL THINKING.
Maggie: Yeah, Bryan, it’s nothing to do with you, it’s just that she’s in love with Peter.
Kim: SHE IS.
Maggie: OH THIS IS HIS FANTASY SUITE DATE I cannot keep track of fucking anything
Kim: This Fantasy Suite episode has lasted for 84 years.
Maggie: “Thank you Chris.”
Kim: “Completely give myself to him too.”
Maggie: Side note: I hate the “journey comes to end” wording because of course getting engaged or married is the end and not the beginning. I mean, I get it, this is the part the show covers BUT THE POINT REMAINS.
Kim: “What tastes better than strawberry?” “You.” GAG ME.
Maggie: Bryan, eat your breakfast, not Rachel’s face.
Maggie: ROSE CEREMONYYYYYYYYYY let’s fucking go.
Kim: What is this crazy ass warrior princess look?
Maggie: I appreciate just how dramatic this music is.
Maggie: I like Bryan’s outfit and I’m really bummed out by that. I think Eric is pulling off the tee and blazer but that’s more a date look than rose ceremony, yes?
Kim: I think he knows he’s going home.
Maggie: PETER IN A BLUE SUIT.
Kim: Peter gets the rose THANK GOD.
Maggie: I mean, we all knew she wasn’t going to cut Peter but goddamn if I don’t feel as relieved as if this were my own life.
Kim: Aw, Eric, so pure. I hope they become best friends.
Maggie: Eric was just never going to be the guy. I don’t want him to be sad, but like. He’s not the guy.
Kim: And now they are bringing Eric out on stage, so clearly they are just interspersing all the normal “After the Final Rose” bits here. THIS BEARD OMG.
Maggie: All Eric needed to seem like a man is facial hair and no tie, apparently.
Kim: He looks SO GOOD. Oh, Eric, we’ve come so far.
Maggie: They use the word clarify like a LOT.
Kim: Him asking Rachel if she’s happy is a lot.
Kim: I cannot abide by Harrison trash talking Peter.
Maggie: I missed this? Maybe I had a rage blackout?
Kim: He just kept being all “How did you feel going home when there’s a guy like Peter who isn’t even going to propose?” It was SO DISDAINFUL.
Kim: Final date time and Bryan is crying over having to go in a hot air balloon cause he’s scared. Wah wah.
Maggie: The thing about Bryan and Rachel’s “relationship” is he’s been so fake and full of bullshit from the very first episode that there’s been no progression. Like okay, let’s say I buy for one second he loves her. Does he even like her? What does he know about her? What do they talk about aside from his love for her? Have they ever had a conversation like the one Rachel and Peter had about therapy?
Kim: He’s too busy spouting clichés to get to the deep things.
Kim: I HATE THE WHOLE GIVING HER GIFTS THING SO MUCH LIKE INTERNS FUCKING MAKE THOSE OKAY. Cause like MY ASS that is actually Face Eater’s Handwriting. Also they are FLYING through his final date and I am scared.
Kim: Time for Peter’s date. Face Eater gets a hot air balloon and Peter gets…a monastery.
Maggie: Okay, like enough churches and stuff, all right.
Kim: There must be literally nothing else to do in this area of Spain other than vineyards and churches.
Kim: This sweater matches his eyes and it’s a lot.
Maggie: Unpopular opinion that color was bad for his skintone.
Maggie: So do we think he came on the show just intending to further his modeling career and then got feelings and now he’s like oh fuck wait a minute? While Bryan came on the show to be on TV and has been play acting feelings from day one?
Kim: I don’t know, I’m so confused about things. All I know is that Reality Steve has some very not nice things to say about Peter and nothing adds up with how he’s been portrayed on the show? Maybe they ARE setting him up for The Bachelor? I’m so upset.
Kim: I’m just going to leave this here.
I said before, Rachels family loved Peter & didn't like Brian. Unless Peter chickens out, he is the guy. What do you think? #TheBachelorette
— Donnie Wahlberg (@DonnieWahlberg) August 8, 2017
Maggie: PETER I’M SO SLEEPY JUST DISREGARD YOUR PRINCIPLES AND PROPOSE ALREADY.
Kim: He’s talking about the future with her, set me on fire. I DON’T WANT TO STOP BEING WITH YOU like he’s SAYING HE WANTS YOU JFC.
Maggie: Kim mentioned that Sage said at some point that Rachel should consider why she gets so upset about Peter not proposing and it’s because Peter is the one she’s in love with and that’s what we’re seeing with this can’t say goodbye, tears streaming down their faces scene.
Kim: I mean she is coming from a VERY real place here with the marriage thing. BUT HIM BEING LIKE I HAVE THE RIGHT TO ONLY WANT TO PROPOSE ONCE IN MY LIFE IT IS A LOT LIKE HE DOESNT WANT SOME FAKE ASS FOR CAMERAS PROPOSAL ONLY TO BREAK UP 2 MONTHS LATER. Like I get where he’s coming from so much, even if it is mildly ridiculous that he went on this show in the FIRST place if he only wants to propose once.
Kim: “Go find someone to have a mediocre life with” is perhaps one of the best burns I have EVER seen on this show.
Kim: RIPPING OFF HIS TEAR STAINED SWEATER GODDDDDDD.
Maggie: APPARENTLY ANOTHER RAGE BLACKOUT BECAUSE I MISSED THIS TOO.
Kim: NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU PETER. NOTHING.
Kim: Wait a goddamn minute. Why are Rachel and Peter talking NOW? There’s still an hour left.
Maggie: So this means that Bryan proposes and she says no, right? Right??
Kim: THIS IS BULLSHIT. I want to believe that they are going for a dramatic turnaround here but also Peter and Rachel aren’t that good of actors and then awkwardness here is PALPABLE. Oh my God.
Maggie: “I cried my eyelashes off.” THAT’S HOW YOU KNOW, GIRL.
Kim: *sings* That’s how you knooooooooooooow.
Maggie: Tag yourself, I’m the girl in the audience nodding emphatically when Rachel says this process just isn’t for Peter.
Kim: I’m the rest of the audience sitting there in SHOCK. I can only yell on Twitter right now, I’m so mad. I can’t believe we’re going to devote the whole last 45 minutes to Face Eater getting his happy ending. ALSO NO ONE CARES ANYMORE.
Maggie: CHRIS HARRISON SAID INFER WHEN HE MEANT IMPLY. I usually don’t police that kind of thing but I hate his smarmy ass.
Kim: Meanwhile, Peter just wants to get the fuck off this stage.
Maggie: I think he feels attacked because this setting presupposes that Rachel is right and he is wrong.
Kim: How DARE he not want to propose to someone he’s known for six weeks.
Maggie: TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE, PETER.
Kim: There has GOT to be a twist to this, right? RIGHT?
Maggie: What if the twist is Blake K. showing up in Spain and proposing?
Kim: Bryan visits with Neil Lane and picks out an UGLY ASS PEAR SHAPED DIAMOND. PEAR SHAPED. PEARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR SHAPPPPPPPED. Carrie Bradshaw and I are united on this issue.
Maggie: The wind is so bad because God is mad.
Kim: *Blah blah blah* *Blah blah blah in Spanish* *Blah blah blah*
Kim: Her SCREECH when she sees the ring.
Maggie: CONGRATS ON SETTLING. I mean, it’s not like they’re actually going to get married, but still. The settling rankles. Especially with someone like Rachel — she’s smart, savvy, accomplished, personable but guess what? None of that matters without a ring on her finger.
Kim: It’s the WAY she reacted to the diamond, Maggie. The screaming, the “Give it to me!” I’m so grossed out, I need a shower.
Maggie: I feel like Rachel is ultimately the worst Bachelorette to me. Like she tricked us.
Kim: Yes! I FELT BETRAYED BY HER REACTION TO THE RING. (That UGLY ASS PEAR SHAPED DIAMOND RING, MAGGIE.) Just…it was like the lowest common denominator reaction. How fitting that Rachel becomes a cliché when she gets engaged to a man who speaks in them.
Maggie: I love how you gave up and hit send with your notes at 10:43 p.m.
Kim: I WAS SO DONE.
Maggie: BUT HOW DOES BRYAN’S MOM FEEL ABOUT THIS ENGAGEMENT HAS SHE THREATENED RACHEL’S LIFE AGAIN.
Kim: I’m certain that she has.
Maggie: By the way, isn’t Bryan like 37? If one of The Bachelor contestants was 37 and had never been married, that would have been her whole storyline.
Kim: AGES AGO they had a Bachelor who was in his mid 40s and all the women were “older”. And by “older,” I mean mid-30s. It was very low-rated, so they’ve never looked back, age-wise.
Maggie: OH maybe L.A., Bryan? Why’s that??
Kim: *waits for Rachel to be announced as part of the Dancing With The Stars cast*
Kim: ALSO AFTER EVERYTHING, WHEN HARRISON ASKS ABOUT THE WEDDING DATE THEY ARE ALL “WE’RE TAKING THINGS SLOW” OKAY.
Maggie: Like all her talk about keeping things honest etc etc etc and yet she didn’t eliminate Lee right away, she kept Blake and Whaboom for drama, SHE WAS COMPLICIT IN THE EXPLOITATION THAT WAS DEAN’S HOMETOWN VISIT. That was the turning point for me with her, honestly.
Maggie: ESPOSA IS ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW goddddddddd this is annoying.
Kim: RACHEL IS A LAWYER AND IS REDUCING HERSELF TO THIS.
Maggie: “When did you know?” WHEN PETER WOULDN’T PROPOSE.
Kim: Honestly. Fuck this. I’m out.