Scandal Season 5, Episode 12
Posted by Kim
Greetings, Gladiators! Fitz is single and ready to mingle (ew) and making Abby’s beautiful ginger hair go gray (a crime worthy of impeachment). Everybody is making moves as we hurtle towards the election (surely that is season 6, right?). Mellie is MIA for ANOTHER episode. Liv is back to believing that her Dad is NOT the devil. Same old shit but a different day, amirite? To the gifs!
We open with Fitz and Lillian making out in the back of a limo, his hand all the way up her skirt because Fitz is that classy.
Abby interrupts them by getting into the limo but Fitz doesn’t remove his hand from Lillian’s skirt.
“I’m not mad. It’s fine. It’s kind of sexy.” Honestly, Monica Reyes. First you are working with CSM and NOW THIS. What happened to you.
Abby’s bitch face regarding these two gives me life.
“Are we at war? Did California fall into the ocean?” This man is running the country, remember.
“You’re wild carding, sir. Please tell me you know what that means.” I love that there is lingo for Fitz chasing tail.
“I need to put in a request to get laid? That’s what you’re telling me?”
“Get as far away from me as you possibly can and never bring this up again.” AGAIN LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD.
I die for Olivia’s yellow coat. She has upped her fashion game SO HARD since dumping Fitz’s ass.
“You saw your chance and you pounced.” Clearly Rowan is ALSO on Team Liv + Mellie. He’s so proud that Liv has finally made a power move.
“Jake isn’t built like us. He’s always up for the fight but he isn’t built for it.” I mean all of his actions up till now say the very opposite but okay Rowan.
“I’m not talking about the warrior. I’m talking about the man.” Soooooooo somewhere between all the hate sex with Olivia and taking over the NSA, Jake has found time to meet someone. OKAY.
“I’m sorry. I’ve overstepped again. I just want what’s best for both my kids.” Your kids that are also boning. This just crossed into creepyville.
Susan announces her candidacy whilst David and Lizzy-Bear watch in bed. Susan nails it, natch. God, these people are going to eat her alive. She’s too good, too pure.
Susan calls David to get his reassurance that she was awesome. Lizzy-Bear loves it. “Tell her she was great. Tell her now!”
“I wish I could have been there.” THEN WHY WEREN’T YOU, DAVID? STOP THINKING WITH YOUR WEINER.
“I have the house all to myself.” Susan invites David over for dinner to celebrate. There’s a 100% chance sex is on the table.
“You’re one creepy bastard, you know that?” Huck makes it clear he doesn’t approve of Liv and Jake’s shag sessions. Jake gives no fucks.
“Otherwise, you’re just sleeping with the enemy. The Liv I know would never do that.” Huck drops some truth bombs about the Jake and Rowan situation and the thing is…He’s RIGHT. When has Rowan ever NOT been scheming? WAKE UP, LIV.
“When you snap back to reality and realize what’s going on, you know where to find me.”
Cyrus gets all the intel on his new toy Francisco Vargas, aka Carlos from Desperate Housewives. He is a Boy Scout. “Somehow he seems to appeal to everyone!”
“The only thing bad about Vargas is that nobody knows who he is.” I IMAGINE people are gonna know real soon.
“We’re making the next President of the United States.” I love that Shonda Rhimes believes in a world where the top candidates for President are a female VP, a former First Lady/Senator, and a Latino Governor. No White Men in sight. I want to go there.
Quinn and Charlie going on a holiday!!!
“Just got a call from a buddy of mine, we killed a lot of people together back in the day.” The fabulous “fuck me, I love Keats” plans are spoiled when Charlie gets a call to baby sit for the week. But he at least asks Quinn to play house!
“You’re seeing someone. Who is she?” “Does it matter? Do you care?” “No.” Best ever post doing it on the floor pillow talk, Liv and Jake. So romantic.
Abby tries to make a plan with Fitz regarding Lillian, but he just freezes her out BECAUSE HE IS A CHILD. Then he calls and makes plans with Lillian right in Abby’s face. God, he’s such a dick.
“We have our guy.” Shady Tom threatens a shifty guy in a diner and then calls Cyrus. SOMETHING IS UP.
“He is behaving like a horny teenager.” Cyrus, heavily focused on kingmaking, tunes Abby out as she bitches about Fitz. I LOVE HOW DONE CYRUS IS.
Quinn and Charlie take their charge to play mini-golf. Charlie ACTUALLY says “Tap it in” which proves he is a Happy Gilmore fan.
Susan has amazing poll numbers and Lizzy-Bear wants to celebrate. “What are you doing?” “I’m taking off my shirt.”
“You’re going to sleep with her tonight, aren’t you?” THIS ENTIRE SITUATION UPSETS ME BECAUSE DAVID DOES LIKE SUSAN A LOT AND SHE IS A UNICORN AND SHE’S GOING TO BE DEVASTATED WHEN SHE FINDS OUT. Also Lizzy-Bear has no right to be jeals.
“You are happy and I think that’s wonderful.” Huck’s words have to be ringing in her ears because Liv is like “YO what’s up?”
And now we get montage of Rowan’s deviance. COME ON LIV PUT IT TOGETHER.
“To a happy retirement…” SO MUCH SIDE EYE. HE IS TOO SMUG.
So Tom escorts Shady Wayne into the Pennsylvania Capitol Building. When Shady Wayne appears to balk, Tom shoots one of the guards and then hands him the gun. “Your turn.”
Back in Washington, Cy watches footage of Susan and Mellie on the news, willing the coverage to be interrupted. “Let’s see those breaking news graphics!” EVIL GENIUS.
Cyrus puts on his best poker face when Abby informs him of the shooting. “I see it and it IS terrible.” Meanwhile, he’s doing the Dance of Joy on the inside.
ABBY GOES TO TELL FITZ ABOUT THE SHOOTING AND WALKS IN ON FITZ AND LILLIAN GETTING IT ON.
“I’ll have an aide escort you out.” “I know my way around.” Okay but you HAVE to respect Lillian’s game though. She refuses to be intimidates and a big part of me HAS to believe she is up to something and I am okay with that.
“Who do you think you are telling ME what you want me to do?” SO MANY TANTRUMS IN THIS EPISODE.
“Why are you so obsessed with my personal life?” OH MY GOD I HATE HIM SO MUCH.
“You’re angry this is not Liv, that’s what this is.” I’M GOING TO CRAWL INTO MY TELLY AND MURDER HIM.
“First of all that’s gross.” I really want Abby to quit in a blaze of glory, but the country would fall apart.
“She is trusted, she is one of us, she is family. Liv is real. Who the hell is Lillian?” Seriously, WHO THE HELL IS SHE FITZ? You are the PRESIDENT, you should at least run a background check before getting your ya-yas out.
“This is my life. Stay the hell out of it or I will fire you.”
“Like I said, there’s been a shooting at the State Capitol in Harrisburg.” ICE COLD, ABBY.
“FROZEN! I love Elsa!!” Quinn is seeing a brand new side of Charlie and LOVING IT.
“I have no compass with him. I’m asking you…has he changed?” For SOME reason Liv thinks that Jake will be honest with her?
“What is it that my father wants from you??” SERIOUSLY. Cause it’s SOMETHING.
“If you tell me, I can help you.” Jake just looks at her with no expression. So either we have some Stockholm Syndrome going on or Jake is totally fine with whatever is happening.
“He was just so calm!” Cyrus is getting his hero narrative for Vargas, as he manages to get Shady Wayne to release all the hostages.
Abby calls Liv for advice since Cy is not helping. “What did he do?” SO MANY THINGS OLIVIA.
“That’s just it. You don’t want to know. I shouldn’t have called.”
“You’re right. I don’t want to know. I’m sorry.” TAKE CARE OF YOU, LIV.
The SWAT team is making a move and Cyrus freaks out to Tom. “They are going to take our hero moment away from our hero!”
“This is my day! I am the bride and you get me my hero!” I am dying over this so much.
“I’m playing the game and I’m playing it better than anyone.” Liv just wants to Huck to know she is on top of things, but really it sounds like she’s trying to convince HERSELF.
“I’ll be sure to keep my fingers and toes crossed for you, Liv.” Huck isn’t buying it.
“You were made by him, just like us.” Where is the lie?
“He will always look out for me, he will always be on my side, he will always love me.” Does Liv tell herself this every night as she looks at herself in the mirror? SHE JUST WNTS HER
“As long as he is by your side, nothing you do seems bad in comparison.” HOW IS HUCK SO WISE ALL OF THE SUDDEN?
“The monster does not change. The monster is always hungry. Don’t you understand? When the monster gets hungry, he will turn around and eat you.”
Word breaks that Vargas has shot and overpowered his captor. Cyrus prays to the political gods that there is some good footage of it. There is.
“If you haven’t heard of Francisco Vargas before tonight, you will certainly know him by the morning.”
There are tabloid pics of Lillian leaving the residence all sex rumpled because Abby’s job can never be easy.
“Do you think that I LIKE this? Do you think I want to walk into a room and say “Did you wear a condom, Sir? Is your DNA inside of her?” These are questions I never want to ask.” And these are answers I never want to know.
“I will not be threatened again. You want to fire me? Fire me right now, Mr. President.” #FREEABBY2K16
Fitz tells Abby to call him by his first name. “If I have to tell you about my sex life, that officially makes you my closest friend in the world.” I FEEL GROSS.
SUSAN AND DAVID IN BEDDDDDDD.
Lizzy-Bear calls David while he’s still spooning Susan and has the nerve to get jealous.
“It is not easy around here without you.” Abby playing up to Cy’s ego. Would that she would know that it’s too late.
“If you can’t beat them, distract them.” Good advice AND a shrewd PR move by Cyrus. Maybe HE should be President.
“Everyone loves a hero.” Oh, Abby. Playing right into it.
“Charlie is going to make an awesome dad.” Quinn is seeing stars but she has NO idea that Max is Shady Wayne’s kid and Charlie clearly knew what was going on.
“DON’T MIND ME I JUST WORK HERE.” #FREEMARCUS2K16
“Are we clear on what game we’re playing here?” It’s time to be digging into Jake’s girlfriend.
“The pleasure is all mine, Governor.” Cyrus and Vargas FINALLY meet. You can see 4 more years in the Oval dancing in Cyrus’ eyes.
Just who IS Jake’s Girlfriend? What is Rowan up to? Will Susan ever find out about Lizzy-Bear? WHERE WAS MELLIE IN THIS EPISODE? Just how quickly is Cyrus gonna jump over to the Vargas campaign? Stay tuned! Until then, leave us your thoughts on “Wild Card” in the comments!