Hello, fellow hysterics. Welcome to our first overreaction post of the spring/summer movie season. As always, we encourage screaming/flailing/clutching your own pearls or the pearls of the person next to you, but save some for later, because we’ve also got X-Men and Star Trek movies coming our way before the leaves fall and all the ~serious~ films come out.
Anyway, we’ve been looking forward to Captain America: Civil War since before the movie got its subtitle. We were promised an emotional 2+ hours with our favorite enhanced individuals, and man, if Civil War didn’t bring it with the high-stakes break-ups, brainwashings, and trips to the farmer’s market. Full disclosure: both your editors are #TeamCap, so don’t expect any unbiased opinions here. (We love you too, Tony. But you make bad decisions when Pepper isn’t around.)
Which parts of Captain America: Civil War changed our lives in numerous, permanent ways? Well, all of them. But these especially.
First of all: men are so dramatic
A cameo by baby RDJ
Witchcraft Movie magic enabled young Tony Stark to make a cameo in present-day Tony Stark’s Ted Talk. I should have been focusing on wee Tony in the last conversation he’d ever have with his parents, but instead I was half-mesmerized, half-disturbed by the unexpected appearance of a 20-year-old Robert Downey Jr. in a Mr. Softee shirt. At least I know why I experienced a sudden need to watch Less Than Zero for the dozenth time.
And Jim Rash!
God, it’s good to see that the Russo brothers are still about that Community life. This time the Greendale Easter Egg took the form of Jim Rash, who also got to do this homage to Cap 2’s elevator scene on the show. Meta meta meta metaaaaa.
Rest in peace, Peggy Carter
Little did I know when I proudly put on my “I Know My Value” Peggy t-shirt that I’d be WEARING IT TO HER FUNERAL. The good news is that the SHIELD founder dies peacefully in her sleep after living a long and productive life, loved by so very many. And that Steve is still so inspired by her, even after her death. The bad news is that I had to look at HIS LITTLE FACE while he carried her casket. I’m suing.
Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes are in love with each other
Even if you don’t believe that Cap’s feelings for his ol’ buddy ol’ pal aren’t of a romantic or sexual nature, surely we can all agree that Steve would burn Utica to the ground if it meant keeping Bucky away from harm. Bucky is literally all Steve has left of his old life, especially now with Peggy gone. He was the person who made him feel strong when he wasn’t. And for Bucky, that connection is even more powerful because his memories of Steve are the strongest tether to independent thought that he has. Will I ever get over the mental image of Bucky eating plums in his little tenement apartment, looking at that picture of Steve that he keeps in his notebook and writing down every shred of their story that comes back to him? Absofuckinlutely not.
Vision and Wanda have a romantic lock-in
WHELP, I am not well-versed in the comics, so this little flirtation came as a weird and wonderful surprise. Vision/JARVIS is into Wanda. And while I can’t imagine their sex life until someone tells me where the Infinity Stone comes in, I am very in support of an ageless AI finding love with a young telepath. Also, if this year’s comic con scene isn’t crawling with Vision-in-business-casual clothes cosplay, I know nothing about nerds.
Martin Freeman’s American accent!
My pocket Brit didn’t have a lot to do in Civil War, so here’s hoping the Black Panther solo film sticks to the books and incorporates Everett Ross. Anyway, he cute.
Birth control has no power here. I am pregnant with a metal-armed baby.
All hail, Prince T’Challa
Yooooooooooooooooo. Chadwick Boseman stole every scene he was in, and that Black Panther movie needs to come out two weeks before yesterday. I am OBSESSED with his fight choreography, that suit (and that ass in that suit, come on now), and that he’s an honorable, thoughtful dude who doesn’t hold grudges past their expiration date. And then there’s his face.
Scott Lang is us
Scott Lang is completely me if I were ever invited to an Avengers party: happy to be there; unable to hold in the squee; and being really bad at reading the solemnity of the room.
Best Stan Lee cameo ever or best Stan Lee cameo ever?
Aunt May is hot now, and this new Spider-Man is kind of alright
The early news that Marvel was planning to reboot Spider-Man YET AGAIN was met mostly with exasperation. But Tom Holland and the way his Peter Parker was written in Civil War proved the naysayers wrong. This is the wise-cracking, idealistic, teenage Spider-Man this movie in particular needed to lighten shit up. And though I still hope Pepper and Tony work things out at some point, I don’t mind Tony embarrassing his young protege by sweeping the sexiest Aunt May ever off her feet. (That looks something like this, FYI.)
The gratuitousness. God bless.
Clint & Nat, friends five-ever
I am embarrassed for the Clintasha fandom that no one has gifed the Hawkeye/Widow moment in the airport battle yet. Anyway, OF COURSE those partners in crime could be in the middle of kicking the shit out of each other and still have time to trade some fond remarks.
“He’s mine.” “No, he’s mine.”
I could watch an entire spin-off about Sam and Bucky’s beautifully competitive pseudo-friendship, especially when it involves both of them showing off for Steve and trying to one-up each other. Related: there had better be a deleted scene on the DVD showing how Sam ended up in the front seat, i.e. an aggressive slap-fight over who actually called shotgun first.
And now, Steve Rogers kisses a woman while his two best guys look on
I am not shitting any of you. When this happened in our theater, there was NEAR- COMPLETE SILENCE, punctuated only by a couple of quiet “boos.” You could feel the panic in that kiss – a need to re-route Steve’s story back into the hetero slow lane. Everything about this scene was desperate, up to and including that a goodbye scene with Sharon and Steve even happened at all. Am I crazy, or do they BARELY know each other in the context of the MCU? He lived next to her in Winter Soldier for what: weeks, months? And he was never compelled to ask her out. Her AUNT and one of Steve’s great loves is barely in the ground at this point, amping up the incestuousness to an uncomfortable degree. I’ve got no ill will towards her character at all, but it royally sucks that Sharon was used to assure squeamish audiences who don’t like all this talk about Stucky and American Airlines (the best Steve/Sam ship name in all the land) and would like to be assured that Steve is, in fact, straight. Obviously, I couldn’t help but laugh at Sam and Bucky’s reaction smiles, but ughhhhh, the need to not only shoehorn in a hetero kiss but also to make sure the two dudes he’s often shipped with see it go down? WHY ARE PEOPLE SO THREATENED. /endrant
I was steeling myself to watch an Avenger die that night, but somehow War Machine’s paralysis was even worse. Someone had to play the role of “collateral damage” and that person had to be Tony’s closest friend on the team.
Natasha switches sides
We all saw it coming. Natasha and Steve were so close in Winter Soldier and beyond that I never did wrap my mind around Widow siding with Team Iron Man and was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Nat’s initial decision was more about keeping the team together and focused; she wasn’t thrilled by the idea of oversight. In the end, she went with her heart. Now give me the Black Widow movie and no one gets hurt.
Is Steve gonna KILL Tony?
BLOOF, that was rough. Poor Tony, you guys. What a blow to find out what really happened the night that his parents died, especially after Steve made it beyond clear that there’d never come a time he won’t come to Bucky’s defense. RDJ’s delivery of the line “he killed my mom” took all the taste out of my Twizzlers, and this fight was as horrific and ferocious as it needed to be. Before I remembered that RDJ was already committed to Spider-Man: Homecoming, I had the wild thought that Steve might ACTUALLY kill him. I suppose that means this scene worked. P.S. I will never get the image of Steve dropping his shield at Tony’s feet out of my head. Again: all this male melodrama. And they say we’re overly emotional.
Romantic Tragedy Ending
What did YOU think of Civil War, friends? Are you emotionally scarred too? Share our pain in the comments.