Jane The Virgin Season 3, Episode 6
“Chapter Fifty”
Posted by Kim
Lessons learned from this week’s Jane the Virgin:
- Never trust someone with a British Accent who tells ridiculous stories and name drops like there is no tomorrow.
- Always make sure your arepas are moist.
- “If you love someone, you say it right then. Out loud. Otherwise…the moment just…” “Passes you by.”
- Bruno Mars fixes everything.
- No matter how hard up you are, don’t date your baby mama’s cousin. JUST DON’T. IT’S GROSS. (I don’t CARE that you actually never had sex with your own baby mama. It’s still gross.)
Let’s get to it, shall we?
Jane the Heartfelt
When we last saw Jane, her long-lost cousin Catalina had literally just shown up on her doorstep. Our Narrator spent the intro of the episode reminding us how Jane used to have tea parties with her stuffed animals, longing for a sibling of her own to share them with. In Catalina, Jane appears to have all her dreams for a sister fulfilled. She’s vivacious, she’s spontaneous, she’s full of glamorous stories, and she even speaks Jane’s language in regards to believing in signs. The two cousins stay up all night talking and it seems too good to be true. Which means that it likely is. All of Catalina’s outrageous stories about just how awesome her life is reminded me a WHOLE lot of Malin Akerman in 27 Dresses – meaning that there is absolutely no way that she is telling the full story here.
Do I believe that Catalina flits about the globe? Sure. Do I believe that she doesn’t have a care in the world and everything has worked out exactly as she says? Nope. Me thinks there is a hell of a lot more to the story of just how Catalina wound up in Miami on Jane’s doorstep and I am scared to know what the answer is. My Spidey Senses are tingling, y’all. You know who is with me on the trepidation train? Michael. You can tell by every micro-expression that flits across that Brett Dier’s face that Michael is not fully on board with this but at the same time, he doesn’t want to rain on Jane’s parade when he knows how much this means to her. Thus, despite his obvious reservations, he agrees to Jane’s request that Catalina crash with them for a few days. (The way his voice goes all high-pitched when he says “Yeah, why not?” though. His distress is so subtle yet so obvious at the same time.)
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Catalina’s influence on Jane is swift. Professor Donaldson sets Jane up for an assistant interview with a Romance Publishing company (since she lost her TA gig due to Bachelorette Party shenanigans) and when Jane expresses her worries about not being able to properly prepare for the interview, Catalina breezily tells her to fake it till she makes it. (She also tells another outrageous story about how she faked her way through an interview and Michael’s face = me. Mmmmmmm OHMIGOD. Stop fuckin lyin’.) Listen, part of Catalina’s advice is sound: you should always lead with confidence when you go into a job interview. What you should absolutely NOT do is lie about your skills, especially when you are asked a direct question. A very harried Leslie (hey Kelly Rutherford) asks Jane if she is familiar with a software program, and when Jane lies and says yes, Leslie immediately asks her to help her troubleshoot a document. RUH ROH. Jane has no idea what she’s doing and accidentally erases not only the document Leslie had spent hours on but all the goodwill Jane had built up in the interview. Someone’s clearly not getting the job. A failed interview means naught to a free spirit like Catalina. She launches into yet another story (Michael’s inner monologue = BE COOL DON’T START YELLING) about how she was besties with Zac Posen’s assistant when she fucked something up during fashion week in Milan (WHO ARE YOU) while she sends Leslie’s assistant a pithy “Did I get the job?” text. Catalina is right on the money when it comes to buttering up assistants though. Her text opens up communication between Jane and Leslie’s assistant, Alice, so maybe that job isn’t a lost cause after all.
What I DO love about this whole situation with Catalina is that Jane stays very open about it with Alma, despite the fact that things are still very stilted between them. It shows just how much Jane respects her Abuela, because she could have very easily kept the whole thing on the DL since Catalina was only supposed to stay a few days. But that’s not the kind of person Jane is. And ultimately, keeping a chasm between her and her granddaughter is not the kind of person Alma is. Despite all her reservations about the whole situation, Alma agrees to have Catalina over for dinner because she hates feeling distant from Jane. The whole thing sounds like a recipe for disaster, especially when Catalina shows up free-boobing and clutching a rival platter of arepas. To the surprise (and delight) of Jane and Xiomara, Alma and Catalina get along swimmingly, as they laugh and tell stories of young Alma and her adventures. (She sounds like she was a saucy minx, which makes complete sense in regards to her total personality turnaround after the family fallout.) However, the evening comes unraveled when Catalina brings up Cecilia and Mateo. See, from HER point of view (since this is how Cecilia was telling it) ALMA was the one who did the man-stealing because Cecilia had her eyes on Mateo first. (This is also the story the rest of the family tells since Alma hasn’t been around to tell her side.) Naturally, Alma is enraged because to her, Catalina doesn’t know what she’s talking about. “Your Abuela is a LIAR,” Alma spits. “You’re as bad as your grandmother. And your arepas are dry.” LOW BLOW, ALMA. (Well done though.)
A few days later, Alma comes to Jane and apologizes for blowing up. It’s clear that Alma is devastated that this is what her family thinks of her, so Jane is quick to say that she believes her side of the story. (THIS IS ALSO WHY WE CLEARLY NEED TO MEET CECILIA PLEASE SAY THIS WILL HAPPEN.) Alma says that she doesn’t like the distance that’s been between them and she wants it to end. Thank God. I can’t stand any of the Villanueva women being mad at each other for a long period of time. Alma ends the conversation by giving Jane a warning about Catalina. “She reminds me of my sister…a master manipulator.” Clearly Alma’s Spidey Senses are a-tingling too.
Jane the Romantic
Which brings us to the romantic complications that Catalina’s arrival stir up. Catalina meets Rafael and sparks fly. (Though honestly, Rafael, really after the way she purred “baby daddy” at you? Have some standards.) I GET that you can’t help who you spark with, believe me, but Jane’s confusion and borderline revulsion at the whole thing was completely merited, in my esteemed opinion. Jane basically becomes the third wheel in her cousin date and AGAIN I was reminded of the Tess/Jane (HA!) dynamic in 27 Dresses as Jane watched (in horror) as her sister stole her crush right out from under her nose with her sexy dresses and outrageous stories. Jane keeps hinting that it’s time for them to go home to Michael and their first dinner at the new place but Catalina keeps finding a reason for them to stay and Rafael finally basically shoves Jane out of the whole situation by implying that Catalina would be third-wheeling. HONESTLY. Just say that you’d like to keep drinking with her rather than being passive aggressive about it.
source: villaderogifs.tumblr.com
Jane relays the story of the whole awkward evening to Michael, who calls her out for being jealous. If Jane likes Catalina and she likes Rafael…why wouldn’t she want them to get together? It’s sound logic. It’s logic we’ve all used when we are trying to rationalize a situation like this. But that’s the thing…nothing about your cousin hooking up with the father of your child and former boyfriend provokes a logical response. The next morning, Jane asks Catalina if she had a good time last night. Catalina gushes about late night shrimp tacos (YUM) and then asks Jane if she was okay with the fact that she’d been out with her son’s father until the wee hours. Jane’s voice says it was fine but all of her expressions say ABSOLUTELY NOT as she tosses off a pointed comment about Rafael having three kids so he doesn’t get out too much. (AHAHAHAHAHA well played.) Either Catalina is clueless when it comes to social cues or she chooses to ignore them (methinks the latter) because she gushes that it’s so great that Jane can be friends with her exes. This is not going to end well.
Rafael approaches Jane about asking Catalina out again (at least he asked?) and Jane’s spiral deepens. “Do you really want to start something with someone who’s leaving?” Valid point, chalk one up for Jane and rationalism. Rafael counters that he felt a spark there but he won’t ask her out if Jane has a problem with it. Here, Jane essentially has a Ross asking out Rachel’s sister kind of meltdown. At first she tries to play it off cool, being all “I hadn’t thought about it” when it’s OBVIOUS that it’s all she’s thought about. Finally, she blurts out that she’d really rather that Rafael not date her cousin. MERITED. I don’t care that Rafael is miffed by it, her feelings are merited. It’s GROSS. Rafael is a hot dude who would have no trouble walking outside and having any number of women throw themselves at him…why does he have to date one of Jane’s FAMILY members. (Yeah, yeah, yeah SPARKAGE. FINE) In a passive aggressive move, Rafael drops the dating ban knowledge in front of Michael, because he KNOWS it will likely stir up shit there. And it does. Jane claims her jealousy has nothing to do with her romantic history with Rafael (Mostly you can’t tell me it doesn’t niggle her JUST A WEE BIT) but Michael claims that if she DIDN’T feels some jealousy, she would have told him about her putting the kibosh on it. Told you this was gonna get sticky.
Later, when they are out with Alice the assistant for happy hour, Jane confesses the real problem: Catalina makes her feel like she’s boring. She’s got all of these exciting and glamorous stories and she lives her life on her on terms, unafraid to break the rules. (THAT IS BECAUSE SHE IS LYING.) Michael, prince that he is, totally gets it…and even better, he refuses to allow Catalina to make Jane feel that way. “That’s exactly what I was afraid of. She’s making you not like your life. Suddenly you feel like you’re married to some boring guy and we’re just married boring people. Well, guess what. I’m not boring!” Thus, Michael hops up on stage and busts out some Bruno Mars (I love how obsessed with him this show is because same) to prove that he is anything but a stick in the mud. This was so cute I wanted to light myself on fire. It also gave me SERIOUS Marshall and Lily vibes as Jane watched with adoration (“He’s MY weirdo!”) before joining him on stage. For those who are keeping track, that’s two weeks in a row now with musical numbers. JUST GIVE ME MY MUSICAL EPISODE.
What is so important about this scene is that we got to see Jane and Michael having FUN…something we haven’t gotten to do in a while. It’s easy to forget with all the shootings and the evil crime lords and the Marbella drama and the raising of a very cute toddler that Jane and Michael are in their mid 20s. These are the kind of nights they SHOULD be having. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being settled and having a routine (I CRAVE my routine) but it’s also so important for them to go out and let loose every now and then. More of this please. Especially if it involves karaoke.
source: sancriss.tumblr.com
So what do two wild and crazy 20-somethings do after karaoke night? They go get a cat of course! And that is how Faith M. Whiskers III came into Jane and Michael’s lives. (I need to know about Faith M. Whiskers the First and Second, okay? Thanks.) Reeling from the high of their cat purchase, Jane gives Catalina her blessing in regards to Rafael, telling her that she should call him. Catalina and Rafael have all the hot people sex and then they are all post-coital glowy the next morning. “You’re trouble aren’t you?” “I guess you’ll have to wait and see,” Catalina purrs. I KNEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW ITTTTTTTTTTTTTTT. (*sings* I ain’t sayin she a gold digger….)
And then we have Rogelio and Xiomara, who are determined to DESTROY me before the season is over. Xiomara is having trouble securing enough money to get the studio she wants for her dance school, so Rogelio offers her the money because he is as pure as freshly fallen snow and has a heart as big as the entire universe. Xo turns him down at first because she knows that Rogelio will want to have a say in everything. (Ro: “Of course I’ll want a say!” PUPPY.) Rogelio wears her down though (because no one can resist him) and he takes her to a gorgeous studio where he used his celebrity power in order to bargain it down to a price in Xo’s budget. They banter back and forth about Rogelio’s expertise regarding dance and then we get what is perhaps the greatest flashback this show has ever given us: Rogelio and Xiomara on their high school dance team. I DIED. The casting was so perfect and it’s delightful to know that Rogelio has always been this flamboyant and obsessed with lavender. Young Ro and Xo have a dance-off that showcases JUST how unskilled Ro was, at least when it came to fly girl style dancing. “We know you’re just here to meet girls,” Young Xo says, proving that she’s always had the Villanueva sass. I NEED MORE OF THIS ALL THE TIME.
There’s just one catch with the studio: it’s right next door to Xiomara’s ex-boyfriend Bruce’s law office. Bruce aka Carlos Solis aka Frankie Vargas from Scandal is Xo’s terrible ex who was married and didn’t tell her and then broke her heart because he never left his wife. So…a real peach. She assures Jane and Rogelio that she’s FINE with being in close proximity to Bruce again. “I can’t even imagine being with Bruce now. People move on.” I would very much like to point out the look on Rogelio’s face when Xiomara talks about moving on because it was like reaching into my chest and squeezing my heart.
Xiomara and Rogelio spend a late night at the studio painting. Naturally Rogelio complains about doing it themselves when they could pay someone else to do it (and he’s complaining because he’s only had nine pieces of celery and a saltine). They decide to have a dance-off to settle the debate and honestly, just put me out of my misery because these two have so much history and love each other so much and GET IT TOGETHER. Rogelio proves to be as unskilled as an adult as he was as a teenager, promptly pulling a muscle. They laugh and then Rogelio drops a truth bomb: he didn’t join the dance club all those years ago to meet girls. He did it to meet A girl. They share a lingering look and SOMEONE JUST MURDER ME.
source: cobie.co.vu
Xiomara tells Rogelio that being around Bruce again is throwing her. It’s not that she has feelings for him, it’s that she needs closure so she can move on with her life. Rogelio urges Xo to talk to him which BIG MISTAKE. HUGE. (I have to go shopping now.) Xo confronts Bruce outside his office where Bruce tells her that he is FINALLY divorced. That piece of information clearly throws her off, but Xo still manages to tell Bruce that he was a douchebag to her. Then she calls Rogelio about it and drops the friendship bomb, which visibly HURTS him. It’s so hard because friendship is what he offered Xiomara and SHE thinks that friendship is all he is willing to offer her because of their impasse over kids. But it’s CLEAR that they love each other and Rogelio is in a whole vat of mixed up feelings. Just TELL her. Ugh. Of course, it doesn’t help that he’s dealing with a storyline that hits a little too close to home on Tiago.
source: sancriss.tumblr.com
Later, Rafael comes to Rogelio for advice regarding dating Catalina but the conversation takes an unexpected turn for Rogelio and he has a revelation.
Rafael: Do you think it’s weird that I want to date Jane’s cousin?
Rogelio: Well, it depends. How much do you like her?
Rafael: Well, a… a lot, actually. I mean, I really felt, like, a… like a spark. Which is rare.
Rogelio: So rare.
Rafael: Uh-huh.
Rogelio: People spend a lot of time searching for that, and if that spark turns into a forest fire of love for someone… someone you could envision spending the rest of your life with…
Rafael: No, we-we just met, you know. It’s a little early for that. I barely know her.
Rogelio: A person you somehow keep finding your way back to, after years and years apart…well, hell, that’s…that’s even rarer, no?
Rafael: Are we still talking about Catalina?
Rogelio: So what if Xo and I have this obstacle? I’m obviously still in love with her, and the kid’s a big hypothetical. She’s here, and she’s real. I should tell her how I’m feeling. Rafael, this was a great talk.
YES SHE IS YOUR SOULMATE GO TO HER ROGELIO.
source: sancriss.tumblr.com
What makes matters worse is that when Jane asks Xiomara about the Bruce thing over breakfast with her parents, Xiomara lies and says she hasn’t seen him since telling him off. Rogelio’s face though. I get that Xiomara is trying to be sensitive towards him and she obviously has no idea that he knows but please tell him. Sooner rather than later. Before I fling myself off a cliff.
Jane the Dramatic
Yeah, Petra wasn’t kidding last week when she said she was through being nice. She’s in full Daenerys Targaryen “BURN EVERYTHING” mode when it comes to getting Rafael out of the Marbella, down to kicking him out of his own penthouse in the hotel. She passes it off as being a “majority shareholder decision” but she’s the one holding the majority, so really it’s a “get the fuck out of my life” decision. Rafael is stunned and tells Petra that he doesn’t understand why she’s so pissed. Whoops. “Here’s what I don’t understand. How you were married to me, said you loved me, then slept with my sister and worked alongside her for months without ever realizing it wasn’t me.” I’m with the Narrator on this one. There really is no talking your way out of that one. (BUT HAS SOMEONE TOLD HER THAT JANE WAS THE ONE THAT KNEW? This is VERY important.) Rafael TRIES to reason with her by saying they have children (“Yes, and that’s unfortunate.”) but Petra stands firm in her choice. He has to be out by the end of the week.
From one weak man (SORRY RAF) to another, Petra encounters Scott in the hallway and he begs her to take him back. “Now that you rethought leaving, I thought maybe you rethought us,” he pleads. Oh, Vests. Desperation is never attractive. “My sister had a health crisis, and I…I melted down. And now that she feels better, well, I…I feel different, too,” Petra tells him. (I DIED at the Narrator’s “I’ll Say”. I often wonder WHO the narrator is in regards to the whole story because he’s so delighted by everything. My head canon is that it’s Adult Mateo.) “So, let me be unequivocal. We are never, ever getting back together. Ever.” One of my FAVORITE things is Petra’s continued ignorance in regards to pop culture (Elsa and Anna, remember?), so I CACKLED when she unwittingly quoted T-Swift to him. “You didn’t have to throw our song in our face!!!” Clearly Anezka is the Swiftie in the family. (She WOULD be.)
Scott won’t take his rejection lying down though. He promptly serves Petra with a sexual harassment suit, which let’s face it, is a bit of an insult to sexual harassment because everything was consensual between them, even if there is no proof. Petra goes to Rafael for help in the case in exchange for getting his penthouse back. (She also shares a frosty glare with Jane which means that NO ONE HAS TOLD HER Jane was the one who set the whole identity reveal in motion and I HURT.) Raf isn’t biting though. It’s his shares in the hotel back or no dice. WHO DOES ALL THIS PAPERWORK FOR THE SHARE SWITCHING? I hope they get paid very well.
So Petra goes back to Scott and tries to offer him a settlement in exchange for dropping the suit. He balls the check up and tosses it in the trash, Doug Dorsey style. This isn’t ABOUT money. It’s about the fact that not only did she break his heart, she USED him and his contacts to help find a buyer for the hotel. He reminds Petra about his Burn Book (I need to know who Scott calls a Fugly Slut in the Burn Book, y’all) and he could EASILY destroy her with all the dirt he has on her. So Petra chooses the lesser of two evils and gives Rafael his shares back. Petra and Rafael agree to FINALLY call a truce over the Marbella, which probably earned them a fruit basket from their lawyer. Rafael and Petra present a united front to Scott and they managed to scare him into dropping the suit. EVERYBODY WINS. Or do they….?
Because Rafael was just bullshitting Petra about calling a truce really. Because he and Scott set the whole thing up. See, Rafael overheard the whole Taylor Swift hallway debacle and saw an opportunity to get his shares back by playing on Scott’s broken heart. How did he get Scott on his side? By telling him all about his Petra actually being Anezka of course. And offering him a bonus, but Scott claims that he didn’t help him for the money. “I did it for the favor. It’s good to have a guy like you owe me.” Something tells me Scott’s role in this telenovela is FAR from over.
Jane the Hilarious
In recaps for other shows, I’ve complained about awkward product placement from corporate sponsors. (I’m looking at you Sleepy Hollow, for basically putting a car ad in the middle of your episode.) But I can TOTALLY appreciate a clever product placement that makes no bones about being exactly what it is, even going as far as making fun of it. The placement of Honey Bunches of Oats in Tiago was the exchange Rogelio had to make in order to get his big nude scene in his upcoming indie feature. It’s pretty cruel and unusual making Rogelio eat cereal on screen, especially when he’s making an effort to cut carbs to get in shape for the movie. I LOVED IT. Now everyone go buy a box of cereal so Jane The Virgin can stay on the air.
Narrator Asides
- “If I am being honest, which I always am.” The narrator is one of my favorite things about this show.
- This week’s subtitle: Jane with a bomb emoji blowing up the title screen. This is used to great effects for scene transitions and commercial breaks.
- “Vodka soda, light on the soda.” In which Catalina is me.
- Do you think this means that Scott will make a play for Anezka now that he knows the truth? I hope he can come to accept the forehead tattoo.
- NEVER CHANGE JUDGEY MICHAEL.
- Pet Owner Problems.
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Can you believe we are at the winter finale? It feels like we just started! Let us know what you thought about “Chapter Fifty” in the comments.
OMG – Adult Mateo as the narrator just blew my mind! It is now officially my head canon. Thank you!
YASSSSS