If you hated The Last Jedi and are looking for someone to commiserate with, you’ve come to the wrong place. It’s good Star Wars vibes only in here, where we shall flail and scream over every perfect moment in the new episode. Spoilers abound, obviously.
Poe Fucking with General Hux
Okay, so, after seeing the rest of the movie, it seems as if Poe should be spending more time doing his job and LISTENING TO WOMEN than thinking up ways to troll Armitage Hux. Buuuut, I hope he never stops. I want him to do them all. “Is your refrigerator running?” “Do you have Prince Albert in a can?” A rick roll, maybe. The First Order is a big, scary beast, and I think remembering that they’re also humorless, pinched snobs must help the Resistance to keep moving forward against them.
“Finn. Naked. Leaking.”
The FIRST words (beeps) BB-8 says to Poe when they touch down after that mission are about the state of Finn’s undress. This is important. BB-8 used to be the Tinkerbell to Poe’s Peter Pan, but he’s warmed to Finn. He loves his gay dads and wants them to get it together. Please give me all the fics where the droid plays matchmaker and keeps arranging it so that Finn and Poe have to be alone together, perhaps eventually locking them in a storage closet until they drop the “buddy,” admit their feelings, and make out furiously.
*Also, when Poe sees Finn, he says, “We have to get you dressed” and then there’s a cut to another scene. So OBVIOUSLY Rian Johnson wanted us to picture Poe tenderly helping Finn back into his clothes, including the jacket (THEIR jacket) that Poe mended for him while he was recovering. And maybe stealing some kisses in the process. I don’t know. I’m not a screenwriter, but I think that’s how it works.
When not-Kylo blows the bridge to hell and Leia is floating through space unconscious, a guy in the row below us said in a pained voice, “TURN IT OFF.” That about sums it up.
BB-8 Loves Two Things: Poe Dameron and Murder
TFA BB-8 was a loyal companion with a bit of an edge, reminiscent of that vintage R2 sass. On the other hand, TLJ BB-8 is a trigger-happy loose canon who will kill ANYONE who threatens Poe, Finn, or BB-8’s own chances of returning to Poe. He rides a damn AT-ST into battle, for Christ’s sake. He takes human lives with no remorse, then returns to Poe for belly rubs. We’re just lucky he’s on our side.
Get your crusty Porg hate out of here, because those little bastards are the cuteness and the color and the comic relief we deserve. Chewie didn’t have much to do in this movie anyway. His story options were to grieve over Han for two hours and bum us all out or accidentally adopt some neurotic, fluffy island creatures. The fact that Porgs are actually puffins with little CGI costumes on makes them even better.
“That Kylo Ren was shredded.”
— iPvPCrops (@iPvPCrops) December 14, 2017
Somehow, I knew. I knew to see TLJ first on a regular screen so that I went back for IMAX, I would know to expect and thus to fully appreciate Adam Driver’s 80-foot tall, half-naked body. Because the first time around, I was shook-eth. There isn’t a lot of nudity in Star Wars, save the boner-bikini. It’s weird to even think about these people having bodies under their clothes (though, don’t get me wrong, I do it), so Kylo’s evil beefcake moment was as shocking to our theater as it was to Rey. I went from being STAUNCHLY anti-Reylo to checking “Complete Only” and sorting fic by Kudos because of this stupid Force Bond and the provocative intimacy of it. (Luke wasn’t into it though. His “right in front of my salad” face when he walks in on them HOLDING HANDS really says it all.) More on that later. TL;DR: Kylo Ren is a big strong man and it’s about time we got parity in Star Wars exposure.
The entire theater gasped when they saw his little outline. And my man Yoda is here to tell ALL Y’ALL that this IS the Luke Skywalker he knows. He recognizes him. He recognizes how the same idealism that led him to join the rebellion in the first place also led him down this path. And you fools want to argue with YODA? I don’t think so.
Justin Theroux’s Cameo
when justin theroux gets two seconds of screen time in star wars pic.twitter.com/cEZoD0ANc5
— Spencer Roth-Rose (@roomiecrisis) December 26, 2017
My heart leapt when the description suggested Lando Calrissian, but in his absence, I’ll take a ridiculously mustachioed Justin Theroux, who apparently rocked Maz Kanata’s world, once upon a time.
Nope, Canto Bight is not a waste of time. Some of us like our stories to feel big and fully realized, and in a war movie, that includes letting your audience experience how that war touches people who are not in it. It also takes Finn from trying to run away in an escape pod in the beginning of the movie to this moment, where he finally identifies himself as one of this kind, without it being a lie. Finn is a cinnamon roll, but he’s not exactly a hero when we meet him. First, he has to understand what he’s fighting for, and that, while saving the life of a friend is admirable, this mission is bigger than him and Rey. Plus, it’s such a badass fight banter line. And though I’ll miss both Captain Phasma and Gwendoline Christie on the Episode IX press tour, Finn gets to take his abuser down. He deserved that much.
THAT. THRONE. ROOM. SCENE.
Okay, this is when I fully lost it. And it’s just as thrilling the second time around. First of all, Reylo is so real, as twisted and hopeless as it is. But even if you can’t get down with that, you can’t deny the power of seeing that Light and Dark feed off of one other, just like they did when Luke and Papa Vader used to have it out. The direction is gorgeous, and Adam Driver and Daisy Ridley slay the fight choreography, which is maybe the best Star Wars has even seen. (When Rey DROPS her lightsaber then catches it? Forget about it. I also like it when the one red guy goes into the giant paper shredder.) It’s like poetry to watch Rey and Kylo work so seamlessly together towards a common goal, as fleeting as you KNOW this alliance is. It all ends on his desperate “please” and Rey not taking his negging, fuckboy bait. Classic cinema.
Hux Genuinely About to Kill Kylo Just Because He’s Annoying
Kylo finding out Hux was trying to kill him in TLJ pic.twitter.com/SGs5U9gZf0
— Rabbit Fur Hux ???? winduzam Kylux (@winduzam) December 31, 2017
Both such bitches. I can’t get enough.
Admiral Holdo Schooling Poe About Leadership
Take two actors who have chemistry with all living things, remove the personal space, add a fuel crisis, and you have Poe and Holdo’s hot standoff. (Laura Dern looking sternly but serenely down on Oscar Isaac is a new thing I’m going to have to deal with.) But even better than whatever is zinging around between them was how TLJ tried (tried, I say, because the people they were talking to never listen) to learn their audience something about toxic masculinity and how Star Wars has been getting away with it for too long. Poe is hellaciously out of line with the acting general, but she just keeps on doing her thing. HOF contributor Kayti wrote a brilliant piece for Den of Geek all about it that made a lot of sad men even sadder, so go read that.
The Star Destroyer Explosion
Gone too soon. But at least Holdo’s last act is to cause the sickest explosion in the franchise’s history when she jumps into hyperdrive right through Snoke’s flagship Star Destroyer.
Rose Saves Finn From His Own Stupid Heroism
The women of The Last Jedi clean up messes everywhere, including pure-of-heart Rose, who stops Finn from carrying out a truly dumb and pointless suicide mission. (I really thought he was going to do it too. Don’t scare me like that ever again, Finneas.) Rey has to take Rose aside and explain why Finn didn’t kiss her back, but I suppose that can wait.
Skywalker Twins Reunion
What hurts the most about Luke’s disappearing act is that he abandoned Leia, believing his absence to be preferable to his presence. He owes her this, and we were lucky to get it. And I can’t keep writing about Mark Hamill sharing this farewell scene with his dear friend Carrie Fisher without crying, so I’m going to move on.
Luke Gets That Dirt Off His Shoulder
We already shouted him out in our Performances of the Year list, but can I hear it one more time for Mark Hamill? We all know that he had some reservations about the direction his character was moving in, but he turned in this weary, electric, moving performance anyway, bringing the dreamy farmboy full circle. And in this scene, our theater was eating up every word and every movement, especially that little dust off. Luke masterfully uses Kylo’s boundless rage against him, cutting him down at the knees without even laying a finger on him. That’s a master, bitch.
Rey & Poe Meet
A. I love people being impressed when they meet Rey.
B. This entire relationship is going to be BRAND NEW in Episode IX. What a thing to get to look forward to.
“They’re all gone.”
This one’s on me. Naturally, Kim was already crying when the movie ended. And then mainly to myself, I was like, “…They’re all gone.” And she started crying harder. Oops.
But seriously. The torch is fully passed, but we won’t ever forget the scoundrel, the farm boy, and the princess who turned a low-budge space opera into an international phenomenon. May the Force be with them, always.
Alright, it’s your turn. Favorite/wildest Last Jedi moments? Hit us with them in the comments.