Kim: Week Two. I am READY for the men to get dramatic
Maggie: I’d just like to say, I barely remember a lot of the guys in this preview as we’re starting. EXCEPT ROBBY 2.0, HIM I REMEMBER.
Kim: Becca being all I’m “dating again” made me roll my eyes. That sounds fake, but okay.
Maggie: Why is this bike riding, like, especially awkward for the voiceover?
Kim: Honestly, it’s like a tampon commercial, amirite?
Maggie: IT IS.
Kim: I’m glad that there was drama with Garrett being a revealed as a racist and homophobic piece of shit who believes school shootings are conspiracies after the premiere confirming my initial instincts about him.
Maggie: Garrett got the first impression rose?? I totally fucking forgot, WHY.
Kim: WHY INDEED.
Maggie: “I don’t even remember you from day one.” It me.
Kim: Maggie, after you said it last week, ALL I CAN HEAR is Clay as Kermit the Frog.
Maggie: OKAY RIGHT?
Maggie: Where’s the chicken? I can’t remember his face but I don’t think he was on the date card.
Kim: See, as good of a gimmick as that was, and this is me, admitting that it was good and memorable, the PROBLEM with it is that his face made little to no impression to us as the viewers. (But yes, I don’t think he was on there either.)
Kim: The date card reads “I’m ready for my big day.” If this is a wedding themed group date, I’m going to need more wine. AND YEP SHE’S LOOKING VERY BRIDAL WHY DO THEY DO THIS? (I can already hear Maggie: heteronormativity)
Maggie: DING DING DING.
Kim: Yep putting them in tuxes we’re having faux weddings, I want to jump off a cliff
Maggie: I would literally run away, WHY IS SHE THERE WHILE THEY’RE CHANGING.
Kim: She’s gotta get a peek at the goods, OBVIOUSLY.
Kim: Wait is Robby 2.0 a model? I HAD NO IDEA.
Kim: PUT THE CONFIDENCE ON.
Maggie: OH MY GOD THIS IS FUCKING HILARIOUS I’M NOT EVEN MAD AT IT.
Kim: OH GOD IT’S BRYAN THE FACE EATER JESUS CHRIST NO.
Maggie: OH GOD WHY?
Kim: WHY. #TeamPeterForLyfe
Maggie: Hey, Rachel, how’s it going with Face Eater’s mom by the way?
Kim: MAGGIE YOU’RE SO SAVAGE I LOVE IT.
Kim: Why are they ruining these tuxedos, I’m sad.
Maggie: It’ll be fun and messy and that’s symbolic of relationships. SHUT UP RACHEL GOD.
Kim: “These guys are great, but I need to know if i can trust them” And a obstacle course proves that how?
Kim: Can we just stop, as a human race, using the phrase ball and chain?
Kim: “Cause what that mouth dooooo!” I mean, I hate agreeing with Rachel, but yes.
Maggie: I just hate Bryan so much.
Sage on gChat: There is NO WAY Bryan is better at “what that mouth do” than Peter having seen them both kiss.
Kim: HOW REAL.
Kim: Robby 2.0 says ball and chain = commitment and I’m just.
Maggie: Okay, now I’m mad at it.
Kim: I am laffin that they have to freeze their balls off and Face Eater is talking about shrinkage and this is how we choose to spend our Monday nights.
Maggie: Wait why are they in the water again? Oh, none of this makes sense? Okay.
Maggie: I think Clay is an alien.
Kim: I could get on board with that.
Kim: YEAH GO LINCOLN GO. PS what is his accent? I am fascinated by it.
Maggie: I totally lost track of his backstory but he gave her a bracelet from wherever he’s from, right?
Kim: I looked it up, he’s Nigerian. Thanks internet!
Kim: I’m really upset that her dress is ruined though.
Maggie: I know it’s mud but it just looks like they’re all covered in shit, I can’t.
Maggie: I fucking love how they’re all accusing him of cheating and questioning his character, MEN ARE SO DRAMATIC.
Kim: They are all just mad that THEY didn’t think of the whole shaking the hourglass thing.
Kim: That is a VERY Sassy jumpsuit Becca.
Kim: Oh God, this cardigan Lincoln is wearing is like my porn.
Maggie: Oh, god, just like that.
Kim: Robby 2.0 immediately gets his knickers in a twist when Lincoln whisks her away. IT’S A GROUP DATE ROBBY 2.0, DON’T YOU KNOW HOW THIS SHIT WORKS?
Maggie: He’s so J. Crew right now, I WANT THIS SHOW TO GIVE ME GUCCI.
Kim: Ooooooh the boys already getting bitchy I love it, like how are they actually making these judgments of Lincoln’s character already.
Maggie: That took like NO TIME AT ALL, I love it.
Maggie: Lincoln wants to keep the photo and I swoon, oh my god, just when I was thinking that bit was tired.
Kim: “You deserve a better kiss than what I gave you.” OKAY that was fucking smooth!
Maggie: I WAS ALREADY SWOONING, DAMN.
Kim: He’s talking about pegasuses and unicorns and pots of gold, who IS this guy, I love him.
Maggie: What is HAPPENING?
Kim: Checking back in at the house, WHOA sad man bun from last week with his hair DOWN. It’s like Fabio realness.
Maggie: INTO IT.
Kim: Me too, I apologize for making fun of his bun.
Kim: All of these guys really have like SQUARE heads. Was that a casting requirement?
Maggie: Especially that one guy questioning Lincoln’s character, is that Connor?
Kim: Who shall now be known as Connor Squarehead.
Kim: Robby 2.0 looks like he’s wearing a prep school uniform.
Maggie: IT LOOKS CHEAP, NO
Maggie: Oh my god, they’re SO pressed about his photo, Jesus.
Kim: Lincoln being all “WHERE AM I GONNA PUT IT IN MY POCKET?” LOL LOL.
Maggie: …okay maybe now I see what they’re talking about it, with Lincoln like having a conversation with the framed photo, but idk about “disrespectful.”
Kim: Men are SO DRAMATIC OH MY GOD.
Maggie: HOW DID THIS BLOW UP SO FAST?
Kim: Did he REALLY just throw the picture off the balcony and into the pool? I am SORRY your dick is so small bro that you are THAT threatened by a PHOTOGRAPH
Maggie: That was like… A LOT. Like. The glass SHATTERED. MEN.
Kim: LINCOLN WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO SHOWING THE PICTURE TO HIS MUM GUYS.
Maggie: Okay but also he can calm down. His heart isn’t broken, alright.
Kim: But has Jean-Blanc (?) told Becca about his extensive cologne collection?
Maggie: What is his career? All I remember is the colognes and his knowing the word accoutrements.
Kim: He was literally listed as “cologneisseur” in the first episode, THAT’S NOT A THING.
Kim: “Your lips, they look very soft.” Sorry if someone said that to me, I would be like what the fuck, okay?
Maggie: Listen, objectively I’m into it, I think you’re hating because this guy sucks not the line.
Kim: OMG shut the fuck up about the picture. It’s not funny anymore.
Maggie: They got so much fucking mileage out of this dumb prop.
Kim: Lincoln tattling on Connor Squarehead. I LOVE it.
Kim: “I just got rid of it.” God he’s such like a finance dude bro, I can’t deal with him.
Maggie: OH LINCOLN BLEW IT OUT OF PROPORTION? IS THAT RIGHT, CONNOR?
Maggie: I love that her problem isn’t the aggression, it’s the aggression happening this soon. What is that about?
Kim: For real. And now she’s like “I don’t want to deal with the bullshit of the other guys.”
Maggie: Wrong show, Becca.
Kim: “Right now isnt the best time for us to be getting to know each other more.” YES BECCA GURL I LOVE IT. SHUT HIM DOWN.
Maggie: JUST CUT HIM, WHO CARES.
Kim: Okay, despite being a cologneisseur, which is not a thing, I support Jean getting the rose.
Maggie: Why??? Process of elimination? You didn’t even like his soft lips line.
Kim: Yes, Elimination, I guess. IDK, I’ve had wine, and no one else made an impression on me.
Maggie: Does she HAVE to give out the rose? I’d want to power move and be like nah.
Kim: Yes, THAT would be impressive.
Kim: Lincoln is CRYING over the picture OMG. Like actual tears. Wow.
Maggie: I cannot hear one more word about this picture. I CANNOT. Like, not even the porn cardigan is worth all this.
Kim: “You got the kiss, that’s the important.” Robby 2.0 is such garbage. Great for a soundbite, but garbage.
Maggie: Wait, why is this his first limo ride? What was his bit last week? If it was the hearse, I’m out.
Kim: He rode in the Ox. You’re safe. I can’t believe I just typed that.
Maggie: THIS SHOW.
Kim: Chris Harrison showing up to earn that paycheck, I guess.
Maggie: Meeting Chris Harrison holding a sledgehammer in an alley is total dream date material, sure.
Kim: Okay, but this WOULD be a very satisfying thing to do (says the girl that took a hammer to the Roku that Dickhead bought me) but NOT on a date?
Maggie: How did they already come up with a worse date idea than the obstacle course?
Kim: LIL JON TURN DOWN FOR WHAT.
Maggie: LIL JON IS SHOWING UP TO EARN THAT PAYCHECK, I GUESS.
Kim: No but smashing the TVs must have been so satisfying.
Maggie: This is all so fucking stupid, I can’t. I just can’t believe this date restored her faith in… something? The process? Because it was actually cruel, like she must have known what she was signing up for, but damn. The monitors showing the proposal, are you fucking kidding me. THE COUCH? What the fuck.
Kim: I am intrigued at Becca being SO open about the “process” that is the bachelor and how you develop “feelings” way quicker than you probably should, like I don’t ever really recall someone being that frank about it.
Maggie: Rachel did talk a good game about the process and how it was just like compressed or sped up and look how that turned out.
Kim: Engaged to a Face Eater.
Kim: Oh yikes, Blake, but this is why you don’t snoop in people’s phones unless you REALLY want to know the truth.
Maggie: This story does nothing for me, Blake is canceled.
Kim: You know who Jason in the pink t-shirt reminded me of just now:
Maggie: SHIT YOU RIGHT.
Kim: Oh Blake, I almost feel like you are a little too pure for all of this. PROTECT BLAKE.
Sage on gChat: I didn’t think he was hot at first but he’s kind of endearing.
Maggie: I feel nothing. PS they look like brother and sister.
Maggie: LITERALLY THERE IS A WHOLE OTHER DATE TONIGHT? FOR REAL?
Kim: I should have gotten more wine.
Kim: Shut up Garrett.
Maggie: I don’t even care what the context is, agreed.
Kim: He literally just shows up on screen and that’s my reaction.
Kim: “Becca looks amazing but she smells even better.” I mean okay, I know I talk about wanting to know how people smell all the time, but something in colton’s delivery of that creeped me out.
Maggie: He didn’t even like lean in or anything, he’s full of shit. I’M HAVING NONE OF THE NONSENSE TONIGHT.
Kim: GOD STOP TALKING ABOUT ARIE I’M DRUNK.
Maggie: It’s really fucking annoying.
Kim: DODGEBALL. Now I just miss Corden’s Angels.
Kim: Remember how the only time One Direction won a point in dodgeball was when it came down to Harry and Louis together because it haunts me on a daily basis. #DreamTeam
Maggie: You forgot wheelarrow.
Kim: LISTEN I AM TOO FRAGILE FOR THIS I MISS THOSE ASSHOLES SO MUCH.
Kim: Tag yourself, I’m the girl with the “GOT BALLS” sign.
Maggie: I’m whoever telled “TRASH” at them.
Kim: FRED WILLARD.
Maggie: What is HAPPENING?
Kim: Dodgeball on TRAMPOLINES is like next level.
Maggie: I’d appreciate the pink uniforms more if I didn’t know they’re meant to like shame them because masculinity and society.
Kim: “THe only guy who had heart on the pink team was me”. I’m strangely endeared by Leo in a I don’t think he’ll end up with her way but I hope he sticks around for a while to offer commentary way.
Maggie: Was he slurring his words??
Kim: Yes, definitely, quite a bit.
Maggie: Oh my god, I don’t caaaaaaaaaaare about dodgeball, what does dodgeball even have to do with anything?
Kim: It doesn’t.
Kim: “Are you guys okay with our trophy sitting there?” WHO WAS THAT THEY MADE A FUNNY (Alex…was he the chicken? WHERE IS THE CHICKEN MAGGIE?)
Maggie: WHERE IS THE CHICKEN?
Maggie: (Someone throw the trophy in the pool.)
Kim: I can’t even listen to Garrett, this is so uncomfortable. And Becca is SMITTEN with him ugh.
Maggie: Becca is canceled.
Kim: IDK Who this guy is but he kind of has a sweet face and he offered her his jacket.
Maggie: IDK, destroy the idea that your parents have to have a good relationship for YOU to be able to.
Kim: *points up*
Kim: Our first “big conversation” Colton, I am already uncomfortable.
Maggie: I like how he says this over footage of him heading off to have a big conversation with Garrett first.
Kim: So, Colton had a relationship with Tia, who is friends with Becca and buddy, this is just violating Girl Code, like you’re (and by you’re I mean you and the producers) putting her in the position of having to break girl code and I don’t like it cause SORRY you don’t date friends’ exes like EVER.
Maggie: He’s just a virgin who can’t drive. (But also, yeah, agreed.)
Kim: Becca is NOT happy with this and like Bitch, same. Also like now I kind of want to punch Colton in the face? Like, he’s too pretty to be trusted and now that’s all I can see. Men are garbage.
Maggie: He’s not pretty enough for this.
Kim: YES WILLS WITH THE SWEET FACE AND THE JACKET GIVING.
Maggie: Wait why is his name Wills and not Will?
Kim: It’s a mystery.
Kim: Sage just said “It’s WAY too early in the process for her to be crying over one of the guys” and what I think it comes down to is that obviously she was really excited about Colton after the first night and this is a really “WHY YOU” kind of reaction, which I get.
Maggie: Also like as she knows you catch feelings fucking quick?? I don’t know, I can’t get it up for this Colton stuff. This episode has already lasted like four hours, right.
Kim: It really fucking has.
Maggie: “I’m not going to cry until week 5.” Oh, honey.
Kim: OH HONEY.
Kim: OOOOOOOH SPARKLY BLUE DRESS That’s like Ariel’s dress at the end of Little Mermaid!
Maggie: The sparkles are such a balm, I no longer care how long this episode is.
Maggie: Wait, we still have the whole cocktail party??
Kim: WE DO.
Kim: DON’T ASK HER TO PLAY FOOTBALL SHE IS IN A VERY SKIMPY LONG DRESS AND STILETTOS.
Maggie: They have zero chemistry.
Kim: What producer did Clay wrong that he got forced to do these dumbass one on one times. First the literal clay last week now this? Guess it doesn’t matter to Becca though, because they smooching.
Maggie: She really be smooching everyone this episode, get it girl. (They still have zero chemistry, though.)
Kim: Why is she kissing all these boys? I feel like those were the first words she ever said on camera to the guy that read to her and now they are kissing. I mean, she can kiss whoever she wants, just literally reading to her from the book was the first time that guy talked all episode.
Maggie: AHAHAHAH JINX
Kim: Did Connor have her throw a picture of himself into the pool? GOT LET THE PHOTO DIE.
Maggie: She should have cut him on the group date.
Kim: “I’m going to do more with less.” HOE DON’T DO IT.
Maggie: Like literally less, less clothes?? YOUR WHOLE DEAL IS CLOTHES, GUY.
Kim: “I WANT HER TO FALL FOR MY PERSONALITY,” Robby 2.0 says as he strips down.
Maggie: It’s too good, I can’t.
Kim: “Nothing impresses a woman more than standing next to a sexy man?” Is that what he really said?
Maggie: I don’t even knowwwwww what is happening.
Kim: He’s not even that hot Maggie. He also looks a little too short to be a model? Someone find Tyra Banks to make a call!
Maggie: He’s catalog, at best. Like, he wishes he could have the failed male modeling career of a Vanderpump Rules castmate.
Kim: Also, Robby 2.0 is in his UNDIES not a swimsuit, and like at least wear a swim suit not your underwear and your dick like RIGHT THERE.
Maggie: Babe, I think that may have been on purpose.
Maggie: I’M SCREAMING I FOUND THE CHICKEN IT IS DAVID HE DOESN’T WANT TO SEE ROBBY 2.0’S DICK.
Kim: I mean, same, Chicken Boy.
Kim: My hair’s always going to be well kept. “BUT SERIOUSLY MAGGIE THEY ARE THE SAME PERSON, 2.0 just gives better soundbites.
Maggie: Remember when Robby 1.0 took a shower and his hair looked the same?
Kim: I DO.
Kim: “Is there any more to you?” YOU TELL HIM CHICKEN BOY
Maggie: “Is he here for the right reasons?” NO, CHICKEN, HE IS NOT.
Kim: “I wore my underwear, bro, that’s not asking for attention.”
Maggie: I don’t even know how to respond to this
Kim: 2.0 wrapping himself in that pink fur blanket LOL LOL LOL
Maggie: Goals, actually.
Kim: Colton I am confused by the undershirt and blazer for the cocktail party.
Maggie: It’s like the least of our concerns, though.
Kim: And we still have the Virgin bomb to come with Colton, Maggie.
Maggie: I want no part in it, I feel squicky. His face was twitchy like he wanted to smile about the drama, I’m not into him.
Sage on gChat: Since she’s saying she will send him home, that means Colton is staying right?
Kim: Yes. But she WILL call him last. For the drama. And to teach him a “lesson”
Kim: ROSE TIME FINALLY THANK YOU JESUS.
Maggie: Literally this episode was so long.
Maggie: ROBBY 2.0 DRAPED IN THE PINK FUR BLANKET FOR ROSE CEREMONY OH MY GOD.
Kim: I am laughing so hard.
Kim: ANDREW KEEGAN GOT A ROSE HE STARTED A CULT BECCA.
Maggie: Wait what?
Kim: Excuse me, it was a religion, not a cult.
Kim: Book guy got a rose too? Are they just having dull conversations off camera?
Maggie: That’s the rich Venmo guy, I think, she getting that paper.
Kim: GOOD CALL.
Kim: KERMIT CLAY
Maggie: ZERO CHEMISTRY.
Kim: Mike with the flowing locks got a rose even without a date.
Maggie: He owes it to letting his hair down, a la Annie Edison.
Kim: LOL Lincoln’s face when Connor got the rose.
Maggie: LIVING FOR IT.
Kim: The Chicken lives another day!
Maggie: I wouldn’t leave him in a chippy.
Kim: Garrett, vomit.
Kim: I’m dying that Jordan is still naked and calling himself an alpha
Maggie: HE’S A WILHELMINA MODEL OH MY GOD HE’S SIGNED TO THE SAME MODELING AGENCY AS NIALL.
Kim: RIGHT BETWEEN MY CLEAVAGE
Maggie: WHATEVER I’M HAVING A GREAT TIME WITH HIM
Kim: I feel like Lincoln has REAL potential to go Bunny Boiler on her. Am I nuts?
Maggie: Legit I don’t even know what to make of him anymore
Kim: TOLD YOU SHE WOULD CALL COLTON LAST
Maggie: YOU SMART.
Kim: No, I have just watched this show too long.
Kim: Okay, no one like super egregious left tonight.
Maggie: Agreed, no huge upsets.
Kim: Maggie, from the previews it looks like Chicken is the like Smol Marine of the season as far as always trying to stir the shit and I am sad, he had potential.
Maggie: OH NO CHICKEN.
Kim: And on that note…good night!
*Ten hours later Kim wakes up to this rant from Maggie*
Kim: Like you said in your text, as a whole this crop of “gentlemen” is…not great. I mean I am hoping some actual personalities will emerge as the group gets smaller, but not only am I not seeing a “winner,” I am not seeing a potential Bachelor yet and you KNOW ABC is gotta be praying that Peter changes his mind and comes back.
Maggie: WHERE IS MY WIFEY? There is no one to root FOR right now, only against.
Kim: ONLY AGAINST.
Are YOU rooting for any of these guys? Let us know in the comments!