Kim: Let’s do the damn thing?
Maggie: SHOW ME A CONTENDER.
Kim: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE LET A CONTENDER EMERGE.
Kim: Who is that in the beanie and the henley? Because I’m already intrigued and on board thanks to that look.
Maggie: Isn’t that someone whose integrity was challenged?? By Chase, the villain face guy who went home. Wait no, the guy I was thinking of might have been talking to Colton with no beanie?? These men are interchangeable.
Kim: TRUTH. I still can’t keep most of them straight.
Kim: “The Men” are so threatened by Jordan taking time to choose his outfit with care. Meanwhile, Jordan is shaming David’s scrambled eggs, which to be fair, he is a chicken and wouldn’t eating eggs be kind of considered cannibalism?
Maggie: Jordan is awful but like you can care about clothes and be deep, okay, Chicken? Jordan isn’t, but still, shut up.
Kim: “He’s a dry chicken!” I’M YELLING.
Maggie: *Insert Niall gif here*
Kim: I DON’T have gifs, but I DO have screenshots, which, as a reminder, are FOREVER.
Kim: Colton, you’re dead to me. You’re pitting lady friends against each other.
Maggie: I know this show is a game, but he’s such a player.
Kim: *sings Blank Space, which honestly, should be this show’s theme song*
Kim: “Whoever gets that date, enjoy.” Okay, Harrison.
Maggie: I immediately lost track of the details BUT EVERYONE SHOULD GET EQUAL TIME, I hate the way some guys don’t ever stand a chance, Chris Harrison.
Kim: I AGREE. I don’t really get the leaving people out thing as if there is some sort of attendance cap on GROUP DATES.
Kim: Of course Jordan and the Chicken are on this date together. BRING IT.
Maggie: Let’s do the damn thing, Bawk-ca.
Kim: I almost screamed with laughter when I read Bawk-ca on the train, well fucking done.
Maggie: THANK YOU.
Kim: BEKAH I MISSED YOU AND YOUR SNARK. (Maggie, that’s the girl with the short hair, we love her.)
Maggie: With the hoop earrings?
Kim: Yes! Her whole arc last season was how YOUNG she was (I think she was 22 at the time) and THEN how she like fell off the face of the earth after filming and went and lived on a Pot Farm and her mother FILED A MISSING PERSON’S REPORT because Bekah didn’t tell anyone she was living on a pot farm.
Kim: “Was he thinking you might be the Bachelorette?” BEKAH KEEPING IT REAL. Because LBR, he totally was?
Maggie: Wait they broke up when he decided to go on the show?
Kim: Sounds like it. Look, I need to know more detail about how they met. I mean obviously, he knew she had been on The Bachelor? Someone pull out the receipts PLEASE.
Kim: Tia’s face when Becca says she could really like Colton though. She not over him and his virgin ass.
Maggie: I feel bad for her. I mean for Becca, obvi, but Tia, too.
Kim: Same. It’s a really shitty situation all around and sure, the producers are to blame for casting him, I GUESS, but I also blame Colton for this entirely. All I see when I look at him now is a fuckboy.
Maggie: He’s always like smiling or laughing to himself, it’s annoying.
Kim: A FUCKBOY.
Kim: COLTON’S FACE WHEN HE SEES TIA. He won’t even look her directly in the eye. Garbage person.
Maggie: I can’t believe he added a sparkly cross to his look to legitimize himself.
Kim: OMG SHE FORGOT JASON CAUSE HE LOOKS LIKE ANDREW KEEGAN, RIGHT?
Maggie: OMG SHE DID.
Kim: ARE there no hard feelings though Tia, because your face says otherwise.
Maggie: I mean, maybe not technically hard, more like yearning?
Kim: Yes, that’s definitely it. YEARNING. There is unfinished business here.
Kim: THAT’S RIGHT Andrew Keegan, rock that pink mani.
Maggie: I feel bad because he’s such a sidekick.
Kim: “The most we did was kiss.” (Because he’s a virgin.)
Maggie: I really want to remove myself from the virgin narrative, it makes me so uncomfortable that it’s part of his “storyline.”
Kim: What’s so annoying is that it hasn’t even come up yet, but we still know it’s coming thanks to all the previews.
Kim: “Please, what are the odds of you making it?” is what they said to each other when he applied. Okay, guys. Please.
Maggie: What are the odds he dated Tia and the broke up with her to give himself a leg up?
Kim: I’d say 10 to 1.
Kim: Becca are you like…completely blind to body language? Tia’s not okay.
Maggie: Uh, did Tia and Colton just do one of these?
Kim: THEY DID.
Kim: What a waste of a spa night, honestly.
Maggie: Jason’s mani was worth it.
Kim: I enjoy the chicken’s Aqua Mani
Maggie: TWIST I think it would look better on Jordan.
Kim: It probably would because he’s a model.
Kim: Smooth move, Cologne Boy.
Maggie: Cologneisseur.
Kim: NOT A THING.
Kim: Suuuuuuure you packed the hair whisk on your own, Cologne Boy.
Maggie: He’s that passionate about hair whisks? That’s what he’s going with?
Kim: Jason literally going for a kiss in the first time they’ve ever really gotten one on one time, OKAY.
Maggie: Is that weird for this show, or…
Kim: It’s not, it’s not, but YET I still react that way every time.
Kim: AHAHAHAHA Jordan has 4000 tinder matches, yet says he’s very selective about his swipes.
Kim: Wills: “You swiped on at least 4000 people though.” I LIKE WILLS.
Maggie: I have since that Harry jacket last week.
Kim: I mean, the Chicken DOES have Smol Marine syndrome, but he also has a point about the tindering.
Maggie: THE CHICKEN WANTS TO SEE THE RECEIPTS.
Kim: At this point in time, I would like to point out that Maggie whipped out her calculator and did the math. 4000 matches in a year/365 Days = 10.95 matches a day
Maggie: I don’t understand Tinder but this actually doesn’t seem that unreasonable to me?
Kim: I think it is for me because it’s the supposition on being on Tinder and swiping EVERY SINGLE DAY? And he’s not swiping yes on every woman, so it’s like how much time are you spending on there? Do you have a matches for the day limit? I think the most important question for ME would be if he’s MESSAGING all of them. That never comes up cause maybe men don’t think that far?
Maggie: I just think in light of what we’ve learned about Garrett and Colton and Lincoln, this is nothing.
Kim: This is very true.
Kim: And then of course, Chicken uses his time to bitch about Jordan and his tinder and his 100% success rate.
Maggie: Classic reality competition show mistake.
Kim: Honestly, it’s like the fastest way someone can get sent home.
Kim: She’s obviously Team Chicken and not Team Model, okay David.
Maggie: “She sees the inner chicken me,” he says proudly.
Kim: LOL LOL LOL LOL She high fives Jordan about the matches WELL PLAYED.
Maggie: That was great, she handled it way better than Colton and Tia but probably because she doesn’t care about Jordan or Chicken.
Kim: It WAS a bitch move, Chicken.
Maggie: I don’t like the use of the word bitch in this context, show, like let’s pull back on the toxic masculinity.
Kim: “You are a skeleton of a man, David.” *eats popcorn*
Maggie: What does that even mean, that’s not a thing.
Kim: Omg she TOTALLY pulled a Jim Halpert and looked into the camera when Jordan went in for the hug. Her face was sheer panic.
Maggie: I want to run and act like we know each other but haven’t seen each other in awhile so I can pull her away to save her.
Kim: “I’ll cook, I’ll clean, I’m a golden retriever.”
Maggie: I hate, this isn’t even funny.
Kim: CHICKEN. Just be QUIET.
Maggie: I want to drink with Wills and whatever his name who’s HIDING HIS FACE BEHIND A PILLOW.
Kim: They are us.
Kim: I’m a Wilhemina Model, I don’t know if you know what that means. ASK NIALL.
Maggie: YOU WANNA BE ON TOP?
Kim: “Attached to me is my ‘professionality’. You try to wreck my image, you won’t succeed cause my image is me.” AHAHAHAHAHA I’m paraphrasing but that was glorious and it seems ALL the others agree.
Maggie: “Professionality.” No, of course, I would never challenge that.
Kim: Chris? Who dat?
Maggie: That may or may not be the beanie hottie from breakfast.
Kim: “I obviously talked to Tia today and I totally ignored her body language.” (Wait did she not say that?)
Maggie: BURN.
Kim: He’s so full of shit, I like can’t even look at him.
Maggie: I can’t even get it up to hate him, like this guy isn’t worth ANY OF OUR TIME.
Kim: AND THEN SHE GIVES THE ROSE TO COLTON? I mean, it was slim pickings on this date, but come on Andrew Keegan is right there.
Maggie: And WILLS.
Kim: YES WHY NOT WILLS JUSTICE FOR WILLS.
Kim: OH CHRIS IS BEANIE BOY. He looks completely different without the beanie.
Maggie: WHAT DID I TELL YOU?
Kim: You are the smartest woman alive.
Kim: I’m a little confused by Becca’s outfit because it’s the middle of the day and it’s a def night look, especially next to him.
Maggie: She’s like rock n roll chick rn.
Kim: CAPITOL RECORDS…But I’m confused, where is the shrine to Niall Horan?
Maggie: Maybe it’s at the Wilhelmina’s offices.
Kim: Richard Marx is here?
Maggie: I need Jason’s pillow to hide my face behind.
Kim: WHY ARE THEY HAVING THEM SING? WHAT IS THIS DATE. God I want to like curl into my couch with embarrassment.
Kim: MAKE YOURSELF VULNERABLE WITH THIS WOMAN YOU’VE JUST MET BRIAN.
Maggie: The producers 1000% knew that letter story and immediately planned a date with writing feelings down, this show is so shady but IN A BAD WAY WTF.
Kim: But I don’t want to hear this awkward poetry. Not at all.
Maggie: On the long list of things I would ban from this show if I could, poetry would be at the very top.
Kim: BRIAN IT DOESN’T EVEN RHYME.
Maggie: Let Brian sing his awkward little song, Kim.
Kim: 9:00 PM, we break in for the Cheeto making friends with a dictator because THAT’S NORMAL.
Kim: 9:14, we’re back.
Kim: “We can tackle everything together.” Great. Sports. Testosteroney.
Maggie: Gotta balance out those manis for middle America.
Kim: “As guys we want to compare ourselves to someone else.” Shut up Colton, you aren’t even on this date.
Maggie: Who was that adorable nerd in the glasses? Let’s pick him and cut everyone else.
Kim: OOOOOOH Jordan going in for the kill with the Tia thing. And Colton gets TOUCHY.
Maggie: Honestly I’m like mesmerized by him with red nails, he should be a HAND model.
Kim: Becca is like “He’s having a hard time opening up” and I’m like maybe it’s just hard to force Brian to write shitty songs, Becca.
Maggie: He is SWEATING.
Kim: I’m awful, but I’m not interested in your sob story, Brian.
Maggie: They so obviously exploit family stuff for this show; like, do it artfully, you fucks.
Kim: OH MY GOD I HAVE BEEN CALLING CHRIS BRIAN FOR THE LAST PAGE AND A HALF OF NOTES. I MUST HAVE PTSD FROM THE FACE EATER. (I’m so sorry Chris.)
Maggie: I noticed but honestly all the white guys with brown hair deserve a little wrong name calling.
Kim: True that.
Kim: Awkward private concert time. Does Richard Marx have an album coming out soon or something
Maggie: I’m fast-forwarding, I don’t even care.
Kim: DRAMA IN THE HOUSE. THE CHICKEN IS DOWN, I REPEAT THE CHICKEN IS DOWN.
Maggie: This looks actually fucked up.
Kim: CHICKEN WHAT HAPPPPPPPPENED? I’m laughing that Blake said “It looks like he just got attacked by a bear.” Because he’s a chicken.
Kim: HE’S IN INTENSIVE CARE????? HOW? And this implying that Jordan beat the shit out of him is ridiculous. Like please, if there had been a real altercation, it would have been on camera.
Kim: Okay, so he fell out of his bunk bed? I’m? And Lincoln is being all dramatic like “please don’t die!”
Maggie: Lincoln is canceled.
Kim: “Chickens can’t fly and we learned that last night.” LOL LOL JORDAN.
Maggie: Sorry to be that guy but none of this was funny.
Kim: SIDE NOTE: I read that Leo (the hair) once did a Skinemax soft core sex movie.
Maggie: That tracks, actually.
Kim: It COMPLETELY tracks.
Kim: Clay and his Kermit voice is very excited about this football date.
Maggie: It just feels wrong to cast nice guys who so obviously aren’t going to win but think it’s a fair game.
Kim: Lincoln is cheating at ANOTHER physical challenge.
Maggie: Cancelled.
Kim: Venmo guy is too delicate for this.
Maggie: That “He’s miscellaneous” joke was real cute, bring back Christon.
Kim: Sportzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Is this over yet? Like I’m not interested unless someone’s nose gets broken or something.
Kim: FINALLY an injury. To the one pro-football player on the field. Which like I shouldn’t laugh cause it’s his LIVELIHOOD but I’m laughing because I am a bad person.
Maggie: I’m not a cool girl, don’t care about football.
Kim: Cozy velvet…blazer? Is it a blazer? Wait is it a velvet JUMPSUIT? A dress? What is going on here.
Maggie: Maybe she should pick Colton, it matches that insane vest he wore on the first episode.
Kim: *Vomits*
Kim: SHARING HER IS THE POINT OF THE SHOW, BLAKE? Also phrasing it as “sharing” is gross. This show is gross. I loathe myself.
Maggie: I feel vindicated for not being into Blake last week.
Kim: Okay, it’s a dress. I liked it better when it was a jumpsuit.
Maggie: I don’t like it at all.
Kim: Poor Kermit Clay. Like he has to consult with a SURGEON. But he gets the rose, so everything’s worth it?
Maggie: You were literally laughing at his injury like five minutes ago.
Kim: I didn’t realize it was that serious AND as these posts make clear, I am a notorious flip-flopper.
Maggie: YOU ARE.
Kim: Thank you for always calling me on it.
Maggie: You’re welcome.
Kim: I’m tired, I have fan fic to write, this episode has lasted for 84 years.
Maggie: I can never handle the length and pacing of these episodes.
Kim: A VERY DRAMATIC RED WRAP.
Maggie: The dress is so blah on its own, she shouldn’t ever set the wrap down.
Kim: I definitely agree.
Kim: Becca is a kissing FIEND.
Maggie: She really is.
Kim: Ruh-roh Clay needs an operation post haste. BITCH, leave the reality show, this is how you make MONEY, it’s not WORTH IT.
Maggie: A good person going through this for a show rigged against him just isn’t entertaining to me, sorry, I’m a killjoy tonight.
Kim: NO ROSE CEREMONY?! Whyyyyyyy do they do this to me?
Maggie: Of course there’s no rose ceremony, we’ve already been here FOR 84 YEARS.
What did you think of this week’s episode? Are they really scraping the bottom of the barrel this year? Let us know in the comments.
The “You humble me” gif is so perfect.