Jane the Virgin Season 3, Episode 3
Posted by Kim
Long story short, they did it.
Jane the Romantic
After being denied by murderous Crime Lords, gunshot wounds, and over-attentive families, Jane and Michael finally finally FINALLY had sex. And it was…sex. Here’s the thing that Jane didn’t count on: no matter how much you love someone and want to be with them, first-time sex (except on VERY rare occasions) isn’t always what it’s built up to be. Bodies are weird and sex is even weirder, so it takes practice for it to be good. So while Michael (bless him) had the best intentions of making it good for Jane, he missed the mark and then Jane faked her orgasm because she didn’t want him to feel bad. What compounded the matter is the fact that saving herself for marriage was such a MASSIVE part of Jane’s life that once she gives it up, she feels like she’s lost a massive part of who she is and that can fuck a girl up. My favorite thing about the immediate post-coital scene was Jane stopping in the kitchen and looking at herself in the window. (My second favorite thing was her initial instinct to text her mom because she needed to talk about it.) “I’ve had sex,” she tells herself. “I am now a person whose had sex.” It’s so real. Who DIDN’T have that reaction after doing it for the first time? I love how she has a sense of relief, but her relief is also marred with some confusion and a hint of melancholy. She had sex…and the world didn’t stop turning and this whole time, a small part of her must have felt that it would. THAT SHIT IS CONFUSING.
All of Jane’s confusion is put on hold once she realizes that not only did she and Michael accidentally make a sex tape, she accidentally sent it to her adviser instead of sending her updated thesis. “Why do you kids have to record everything,” Professor Donaldson scolds in their meeting the next day. A humiliated Jane confesses that it was her first time and something clicks into place for Donaldson. “That’s what’s been missing from your writing. You’re writing romance, but romance without sex is just fantasy stuff. So use this, okay?” I mean, she’s totally right but she’s also totally not helping Jane’s mental state.
Later, Michael only has time for a quickie, so he just suggests that they do the same thing they did last time, since they came together. (Me: Oh, puppy. You’re so cute.) A panicked Jane blurts out that she faked it and Michael looks like he’s just been punched in the stomach. I LOVE that Jane DIDN’T keep the fact that she faked her orgasm quiet for too long, even if she probably should not have blurted it out right as they were about to do it. Michael is hurt, obviously, but he is also undeterred in his quest to get his wife off. “Have you faked it before when we did other things?” “No, definitely not.” “Okay. We’ll just start with other things then.” BLESS. And thank you, writers, for confirming that Jane and Michael very much engaged in oral before they got married. (Jane had previously said that she was no saint, but it’s still nice to get confirmation.) Michael proceeds to go downtown for a good 20 minutes before Jane stops him. She’s too in her head and it’s just not going to happen. Sex lesson #1045: If you are thinking too much about your orgasm, the orgasm will never happen.
The most important thing to me about Jane and Michael’s struggle is that they never stop trying. One night, Jane goes for a sexy nightie and some pleasure enhancing lube…which actually just makes her end up feeling like wasabi had been rubbed on her lady parts. OUCH. The next time she tries to just tell him that her pleasure doesn’t matter, that they should just focus on the intimacy of their connection, which is so grossly offensive to Michael because her pleasure is SO important to him. (Dear dudes, be like Michael always.) He’s so bummed that Jane’s willing to give up her orgasm that he gets in HIS head and can’t perform. SEX IS HARD.
Jane FINALLY gets some of the answers she’s been looking for regarding her feelings when she has a heart to heart with her mother. Xiomara sagely guesses that Jane’s obsession with Xo’s identity as a singer has little to do with that (as much as she does care) and ALL to do with projecting her own feelings about losing her identity. “You gave up something pretty big lately,” Xo reminds her daughter gently, and that’s all Jane needs to break. “This is so stupid! I’m married. I wanted it to be gone. I don’t know. I just…I feel weird. Like…I lost something, like a part of my identity.” And there it is. It’s not about Jane’s orgasm (well, some of it is). It’s about the fact that a good chunk of her life has revolved around the fact that she was a virgin and she doesn’t know how to deal with the fact that she isn’t anymore. She willingly and lovingly gave her virginity to Michael. She didn’t LOSE it. But when you’ve been told your virginity makes you whole and perfect, you can’t HELP but feel a sense of shame EVEN IF you have no ACTUAL shame about it. “I blame the flower,” Xo scoffs. ME TOO GURL.
Jane stresses that she knows she’s not ruined, and I truly believe that she knows that. What she HAS been doing, her mother points out, is focusing on the LOSS of the whole thing and not what she’s GAINING. She’s discovering parts of herself that she’s never explored before and she now has the most intimate way of connecting with her husband that she can possibly have. She’s gained so much by losing one thing. That mental clusterfuck out-of-the-way, Jane confesses her fears that she and Michael may not be compatible. Once again, Xiomara calms her down. “This has nothing to do with you. But…with sex, it can take time to find your groove and figure out what you like, what you need. You’re just starting out. You’ll get there.” MUM OF THE YEAR.
Jane gets home and is crushed to hear that Michael is watching what she thinks is a porno. I mean, porn has its time and place but that’s not what Michael is doing. He’s watching their sex tape (“That’s not porn! It’s us!”) trying to pinpoint exactly where they went wrong so they can fix it. (Thanks for sticking your nose in, Lina, we all appreciate it.) They watch their sex tape together and Michael asks for specifics on what was real and what was not. They both end up getting so turned on by watching and talking about the sex that they get out of their heads at LAST. The clothes come off and there’s no faking it this time. THANK GOD.
Jane the Heartfelt
Jane isn’t the only one facing an identity crisis this week, as Xiomara finds herself at a bit of a crossroads when it comes to her career. Xo FINALLY auditions for The Voice (in an ADORABLE pineapple print top, GIMME) and falters when the producers don’t even bat an eye at her “I’m a grandmother” backstory. (Yes, you’ve seen seven grandmothers, but were they young and hot grandmothers?) The producers ask her what she would be if she wasn’t a singer and Xo can’t come up with an answer. She’s been so wrapped up in pursuing that dream that she finds herself in her late 30s without any sort of alternate career path. I FEEL THIS SO HARD. This realization knocks Xiomara on her ass, especially when she ends up not getting a callback. Has she been chasing a pipe dream this whole time? Is it time to let that dream go? “I haven’t considered anything else since I was 19,” she confesses to Jane. “Maybe it’s time to move on.”
Xiomara has dealt with these bouts of self-doubt before, so Jane gets on the phone with Rogelio to see if he can deliver another Paulina Rubio moment to boost her confidence. Rogelio explains the rules of celebrity favors to his daughter. “Celebrity friendships need to be very carefully calibrated. Someone like Paulina, you ask a favor every… seven years. Someone like Gloria, every 20 years. Now, Oprah…you just don’t ask favors. Your best bet is to ask Gayle.” (True.) He does promise that while he may not be able to deliver a celebrity, he’ll make sure a music executive is at Xo’s next gig. Jane arranges for Xo’s weekly gig to be at the Marbella, even though Xo is reluctant to make a big deal out of it, saying maybe she should just be happy with her weekly gigs at the Blue Penny. “Don’t lose sight of what you want, who you are,” Jane urges. I LOVE HOW THIS FAMILY ALWAYS RALLIES AROUND EACH OTHER.
After Jane finds a rather heartbreaking list of alternate careers Xiomara is pondering, Rogelio calls in the big guns for Xo’s gig (at great sacrifice to himself): Gloria and Emilio Estefan. Afterwards, Gloria asks Xo what her goals are as a singer and Xo replies with an honest “I don’t know.” Despite both Jane and Rogelio’s insistence that this is all she’s ever wanted, Xo finds herself admitting that she knows she’s at a crossroads. Maybe her weekly gig at the Blue Penny is as big as she’s ever going to get. She’s probably never going to get famous and she has to make peace with that. Gloria and Emilio tell Xo about all of their other professional ventures (including getting a nice plug in for their Broadway musical On Your Feet) and they essentially tell her that it’s OKAY to pursue other ventures. I don’t think Jane and Rogelio are quite ready to allow Xiomara to fully let go of her dreams but it IS great to know that she’s coming to terms with where she is at this point in her life.
Jane the Dramatic
After spending two episodes focusing on Petra being Anezkatized, we finally get to check in on our other uber-telenovela story: Rose and Luisa. They’ve spent the past two months on the submarine, having all the sex whilst Luisa ponders if she wants to actually make a life with Rose. (TOTALLY HEALTHY.) Rose explains WHY she spent all that time disguised as Susanna: she knew that Luisa wouldn’t give her a second chance AS her, so she wanted to prove that Luisa had the capability of falling in love with her again. There’s just one thing holding Luisa back: she can’t get past the fact that Rose murdered her father. Minor details. Luisa asks Rose if they can bring the sub up to Wi-fi level so she can check to see if Rafael emailed her for her birthday. She’s devastated to learn that he hasn’t and she feels totally alone. But she’s not, Rose reminds her. “I’m the one that’s here.” BABY LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO ME.
I don’t doubt that Rose, in her twisted way, loves Luisa absolutely. I really want to believe that this time is different and that maybe her twisted ways of the past are just that…the past. Luisa says that in order to really consider starting over with her, she needs to see her murder list. It’s long, obviously, and it sets Luisa on edge so much that she jumps in terror when Rose surprises her the next day by bringing her an email from Rafael. He DID email Luisa for her birthday, they just forgot they were on the other side of the international date line, so they were a day ahead. Unbeknownst to Luisa, Rafael has kept Michael in the loop about the emails, so yes, Raf is telling his sister he misses her, but he’s also trying to lure Rose out into the open.
Rose asks what would make Luisa happy and she says that she wants to go back to Miami. She still have issues with Rose being around Rafael, even if she changes her face again. “I’m done with crime. You have to trust that. And if you can’t… If you’re going to jump whenever I enter a room, then I’ll drop you off at Port Kembla, you can fly home and never hear from me again. So? What’s it going to be?”
Thus, Luisa returns to Miami and shows up at the Marbella. She tells Rafael and Michael everything about the past two months: the submarine, the sex, the murder list. She also says that she and Rose broke up, which I don’t believe for a second. They HAVE to have some sort of plan, right? If I’ve learned anything from 2 seasons and three episodes of Jane the Virgin, it’s to never trust Luisa. ESPECIALLY when it comes to Rose. My greatest hope, as I said in my recap of the premiere, is that they FINALLY commit to something when it comes to Luisa’s character. She’s been all over the place, from damsel in distress to walking disaster to partner in crime. LET’S PICK SOMETHING…and preferably partner in crime. Like…can she PLEASE go full-on Sami Brady? (Shout out to old school Days of Our Lives, I miss you.)
Luisa DOES tell Rafael that Derek was on Rose’s murder list, so that mystery is solved. She also tells him that his mother is on there. Just one problem…to Michael and Rafael’s knowledge, his mother is in prison and very much alive. Michael calls the jail to get eyes on her IMMEDIATELY but it’s too late. Raf’s mother is crawling on her cell floor, clutching a Bible and calling out for Rafael before she dies, clearly having been poisoned. So much for giving up a life of crime, eh Rose?
Jane the Hilarious
I am ALWAYS here for shows poking fun at themselves and their network, so needless to say I was delighted by Rogelio’s storyline this week.
Rogelio is still trying to crossover into American television, so he’s been shopping his telenovelas to networks. While Tiago was turned down (“Apparently, they said it sounds like Quantum Leap, only it makes less sense.”), he DOES get a call from a little network known as the CW about adapting The Passions of Santos. Rogelio has to go to Dina about it, since she owns 50% of the show, and she is understandably hesitant about getting involved with him again. Rogelio wisely appeals to her as a big shot producer. “Conquering the American market was your dream, too. It was our favorite pillow talk topic. Well, that… and my erotic shadow puppets.” How can you say no to that? (AND TELL ME MORE ABOUT THE SHADOW PUPPETS.) Dina agrees to go with him, as long as she gets the room with the better view. Compromise, amirite?
After some requisite sucking up to the CW execs, who let’s face it, ARE programming masterminds (For every superhero show they have, we get a Crazy Ex-Girlfriend or a Jane the Virgin or a No Tomorrow, so you keep doing you, CW), they get right to the point. They totally want to adapt Santos…with Rob Lowe in the lead. (Why…he would just leave after four seasons. BURN.) Rogelio is outraged by this offer. First of all, Rob Lowe is old enough to play Santos’ FATHER (*wipes tears of laughter from my face*). Second, the only person who should be playing Santos is HIM. Dina thinks they should take the deal though; Rob Lowe is capable of launching a series (RIP The Grinder) and Rogelio is just not famous enough in America. Even on the Armpit of American Television.
Jane tells Rogelio that maybe now is the time for him to cash in on one of the celebrity favors he’s been holding on to. THIS IS THE THING ABOUT ROGELIO: he never hesitates to call in his celebrity friends to do things for his family. But he needs someone else to remind him that he can use those favors for himself. So he calls Gloria and Emilio Estefan and offers her a part and offers him the opportunity to produce all the music. Rogelio + Gloria + Emilio > Rob Lowe. BOOM! Basic celebrity math. But then, because he is a cupcake among men, Ro uses his #Estefavor to help boost Xo’s confidence at her gig at the Marbella instead of getting them to work on Santos. Dina confronts him about this, saying she’s out of the remake because she’s tired of being dumped for Xiomara. Rogelio admits that he’s not always handled their relationship well (HE DUMPED HER VIA TWEET!!) but they keep coming back to each other for a reason. They are artistic soulmates and they will always be a stellar creative team. He agrees to give Dina a majority share in the remake and she gives him six months to get famous enough to carry the show. Otherwise, he has to beg Rob Lowe to come back. As much as I am dying for that to happen, I am ALSO dying to see Rogelio and Rob together, so either way we win.
- The Big Painting of Rogelio that he wanted to put in Jane and Michael’s house. I feel like he and Joey Tribbiani would be decorating friends.
- “It’s just…rejection is so hard. And I’m not equipped to deal with it since it happens so infrequently.” NEVER CHANGE ROGELIO.
- “Canadian celebs, well, you can ask anytime. Michael Bublé has washed my car twice. But he’s traveling now.”
- I love that Lina knew right away that the initial sex wasn’t all that. That’s true friendship, y’all.
- Listen, I know they are not best friends yet, but my heart grew three sizes at Rafael and Michael being friendly.
- Of COURSE Alba would have a little crush on Rob Lowe.
- I don’t know why I am surprised but Jane’s lingerie game is SO STRONG.
- Listen, Gina Rodriguez’s portrayal of Cecilia is proof ENOUGH that she should be getting all of the awards. THAT HILARIOUS ACCENT.
- Speaking of Cecilia, now that we’ve gotten down to the bottom of the rift between her and Alma (long story short, Cecilia was in love with Alma’s fiancee, so she told her parents about Alma not being a virgin), I hope that we are building towards a reunion between the two sisters. Cast another fabulous Latina actress of a certain age and PASS THE POPCORN.
- Shout out to Andrea Navedo’s LEGS in the sparkly dress for her gig.
- Gloria and the fan. I imagine that’s how she walks around IRL.
- “You know what, I need you to stay out of this, Gloria Estefan. *pause* I’m so sorry, Gloria Estefan.”
- THE SEX CARTOON WAS GENIUS.
What are your thoughts on “Chapter Forty-Seven”? Let us know in the comments.