Kim: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we’re back. After enduring the agony of Nick Viall as The Bachelor (FREE ME FROM HIM), our reward is our first Bachelorette of Color in the amazing Rachel Lindsay. I’m excited but also terrified because I saw how UnReal unraveled during season two. And I trust the producers of The Bachelor even less than those guys.
Maggie: Full disclosure, I couldn’t hack Nick Viall’s season, so all I really know about Rachel is from headlines.
Kim: I knew about three episodes into last season that Rachel was getting the Bachelorette edit. She had the perfect amount of skepticism turned “OMG I think I AM falling in love with him” to spin THAT story; plus, she was sassy AF and everyone in the house liked her. Also, every season they’ve gone without a lead of color, the louder the clamor for it gets (because seriously, it’s been ridiculous). She was the perfect candidate.
Maggie: Oh man, the forced dancing down the street and fake-ass lawyering scene are so cringe. I know that’s the show, but.
Kim: I love how they keep pushing the SHE QUESTIONED EVERYTHING angle. But yes, these getting to know you montages are ridiculous. I DO appreciate how they didn’t have her frolic in a bikini though? I feel like the Bachelors are always stripping down and being filmed soaping up their abs in the shower and it’s so gross. People don’t shower that way.
Maggie: Yeah, but we don’t care about the FEMALE gaze, Kim.
Kim: Oh, yeah. You’re right.
Maggie: DID SHE BRING HER DOG?
Kim: SHE DID. Bless.
Kim: I very much appreciate the Clueless reference. And the old ladies telling her not to sleep with all the men. Listen to the old ladies, Rachel.
Kim: LET’S MEET SOME OF THE MEN. If they get an extended intro package before the limos, I feel like these dudes may be sticking around for awhile, so let’s pay attention.
Maggie: HEY, GROSSE POINTE PARK. Not technically my hometown, there are five Grosse Pointes and I’m from the City of, but CLOSE ENOUGH. THIS GUY IS MY PICK FOR WINNER.
Kim: My first response to Jack was that he has a bit of a douche face. And then he started talking about his family tragedy and I felt like an asshole.
Maggie: I like Mohit with the Bollywood dancing and the eyebrows.
Kim: But when he was all “I’m launching my start-up” my instant response was to vomit in my mouth a little bit.
Maggie: Lucas: Wha-boom? Wha-BYE.
Kim: What the everloving fuck is happening.
Lucas has been on TV for 15 seconds and I'm heading to the ER with EXTREME EXHAUSTION. #TheBachelorette
— Sage Young (@abrighteryellow) May 23, 2017
Maggie: So Blake is Chian take two, right?
Kim: He starts rhapsodizing about how his last relationship was sex-driven and the amazingness of his penis (LIKE HE SAID THOSE ACTUAL WORDS) and I want to DIE. (But then he goes on to say that he can only last a half hour, so okay, buddy. I’m sure your dick is REAL amazing.) Like where in the actual hell do they find these people?
Maggie: DIGGY WITH THE FASHION, OKAY. I’M INTERESTED.
Kim: I love his glasses and I love his dog and I love that he is clearly a fashion hoe.
Kim: Hello lawyer Josiah.
Maggie: I can just see them in casting, like YES A PROSECUTOR AND SHE’S IN DEFENSE AND IT’S GONNA BE SO CUTE THINK OF THE CHRISTMAS CARDS.
Maggie: Is it just me or are they hitting the family tragedy buttons pretty hard? It’s only 9:15.
Kim: No, this is going very hard. Like I get that these stories make people cast-able but I also just want to watch men being bitchy with each other and be able to make fun of them without being reminded of tragic backstories. But Maggie, I’m obsessed with Josiah’s scoop neck sweater.
Maggie: I think I was looking away, I missed it.
Kim: Trust me, it was good.
Maggie: Well, it is your kink.
Kim: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Maggie: The best thing about this franchise is the girls’ friendships.
Kim: I love how emo Raven got when she said “I hope someone goes hard for you.” That was a lot. It just goes to show HOW MUCH Corinne got the villain edit that she’s just chilling with the rest of them like they are BFFs.
Maggie: Who won last season? I was rooting for the blonde with the nanny.
Kim: I mean did anyone really WIN last season considering Nick was the prize? Anyway, Vanessa “won” and she was equally awful, so she and Nick deserve each other. Corinne was the one with the Nanny and she is going to be the STAR of Bachelor in Paradise for years to come.
Maggie: I NEVER LIKED VANESSA. WHY EXPOSE YOUR SPECIAL ED STUDENTS TO THIS SHOW.
Kim: Like I said, they deserve each other. I’m literally waiting for the Dancing With the Stars finale to air tonight before their People break-up article comes out.
Kim: LIMO TIME.
Maggie: Peter has cute socks and a cute blazer, okay, okay.
Kim: I had the exact same reaction to his wonderfully retro suit. Also his slightly silver hair. And the fact that he didn’t do anything weird. Four for you, Peter.
Kim: Speaking of good suits, I ALSO love Josiah’s look.
Maggie: “Reasonable doubt, get it?” GET IT? WE’RE BOTH LAWYERS THIS IS GONNA BE SO CUTE.
Kim: He uses legal jargon in real life.
Maggie: This Colombian guy looks too much like someone I hated on last season and I’m so happy his name was been wiped from my brain.
Kim: My instant reaction to Bryan was DOUCHE FACE and “Put on a tie, bro.” And THEN he had to go with the whole “I look forward to getting into trouble” thing, which no.
Maggie: Kenny: cute dance move, ugly tie.
Kim: I am so into Kenny and I don’t know why?
Kim: IDK who is wearing what look to be Toms with his suit but it makes me want to scream.
Maggie: A FIREFIGHTER, OKAY, OKAY.
Kim: A guy who can pick you up like that is ALWAYS THE DREAM.
Maggie: A lot of your kinks are in this episode.
Kim: I know, I feel like I’m being spied on.
Maggie: Which producer did this guy piss off to get the Urkel intro?
Kim: Have we time-traveled to 1990? HOWEVER, Rachel got the Stefan Urquel reference, so that’s the second pop culture/movie/TV reference she’s made in this episode, and I really hope they haven’t been feeding them to her.
Maggie: I LIKE DIGGY.
Kim: ME TOO.
Maggie: This break the ice guy sucks, mark my words. We hate him his whole time here, I bet you anything.
Kim: My only response to that was to roll my eyes. Also did the guys call him Thor when he entered the room? Don’t insult Chris Hemsworth that way.
Maggie: I like the floral tie, I’m not crazy about the “Go back” joke? I don’t know. It’s not like he’s going to go that far anyway, so who cares.
Kim: Her WORDS say “That was a funny joke” but her EYES say “I hate you.”
Maggie: I think I like Vegas plane tickets guy. I know I like his polka dot bowtie.
Kim: Yeah, DeMario is FYNE. I thought it on After the Final Rose and I think it now.
Maggie: Blake just wants to drum up some business for his penis. Rachel, eliminate him.
Maggie: “You’re not even close to be being done.” SHUT UP CHRIS HARRISON I’M EXHAUSTED.
Kim: Seriously, how do they do this? IT IS DAYTIME AT THE END OF THE EPISODE. I want to go to bed.
Maggie: I know age ain’t nothing but a number but it would be so weird to see a yearbook from your eighth grade year and HIS THIRD GRADE YEAR EW.
Kim: I mean, he grew up well? But same. If all you can think is “He was a bad kid” ALL I will think about is the squick factor.
— Sage Young (@abrighteryellow) May 23, 2017
Maggie: Nuh-uh, Tickle Monster’s got to go.
Kim: THAT IS ACTUALLY HIS BIO.
Kim: Newsflash. Singer/Songwriter Lee is only here to promote his music.
Maggie: Adam Junior is going to appear in my nightmares tonight, thanks for that, show.
Kim: WHY. JUST WHY. I DO appreciate sweet and earnest Blake K. being like what the fuck is the doll and what the fuck is up with the tickling.
Maggie: I don’t think this is the kind of thing for penguins she has, but okay.
Kim: I don’t understand the trend of having people dress as animals for the first night.
Kim: There’s a beautiful woman here that’s getting bored to death. (That’s me)
Maggie: “And they just keep coming.” GOD I KNOW HOW MANY MORE?
Kim: DeMario in the house: Which one of y’all gonna be crazy? (Oh, don’t worry, he’s coming.)
Maggie: Oh, man, somehow I forgot Whaboom existed until now, goddammit.
Kim: I don’t know about you, Maggie, but I think a guy introducing himself by saying his balls are different sizes using a MEGAPHONE is the man I want to marry.
Maggie: Literally I can’t discuss his balls, that’s where I draw the line.
Kim: Whaboom walks in the house and erryone is like OH HERE IS THE CRAZY ONE. Let’s get this party started.
Maggie: Literally that’s the whole show, how are you not gonna see Josiah pulling Rachel aside coming???
Maggie: THE DOLL HAS A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE AND I DON’T.
Kim: I can’t. Seriously, who came up with this whole French Film bit?
Kim: Something about Bryan REALLY rubs me the wrong way. HE HAS SUCH A DOUCHEY FACE. And I can’t with the whole “I’m trouble” thing, it gives me the creeps.
Maggie: Was that kissing because it looked like he was eating her face?
Kim: That was…aggressive.
Maggie: THAT’S RIGHT MORE CATFIGHTS THAN WITH GIRLS.
Kim: I really hope we get another Plastics clique this season. I MISS THEM.
Maggie: *N SYNC OR BSB? WE LIKE DEMARIO. SO FAR HE’S NOT TOO COCKY.
Kim: It really is the ultimate question to ask any girl of our generation. And THEN he busted out with the hook of “Pop” so he can stay.
Kim: And it’s that time of the evening where everyone gets literally 60 seconds with her before someone cuts in. A LITERAL LINE FORMS. (Also the “I have a two-thousand dollar suit on and I haven’t seen her at all” line is GOLD.)
Maggie: “There are men over me, to my right, to my left.” Rachel is describing my nightmare.
Maggie: I know Whaboom is the worst but BLAKE YOU’RE AN ASPIRING DRUMMER SIT DOWN.
Kim: I love how Blake is all I AM CALLING HIM OUT. Do we have another Chian and Evan/Alex situation brewing. ON NIGHT ONE?
Kim: Who is this guy that keeps purring in her ear, he needs to stop.
Maggie: I like these little glimpses of Iggy, too bad he’s not gonna last very long.
Kim: He is offering nice commentary, I appreciate it.
Kim: FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE GOES TO DOUCHEY BRYAN.
Maggie: NO WHAT THE GUY THAT ATE HER FACE RACHEL I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU.
Kim: I think Kenny may be too pure for this show.
Kim: FINALLY Rose time. I’m tired.
Maggie: I’M READY TO GO TOO, LET’S GO RACHEL. CUT ALL OF THEM, GOD.
Kim: Wouldn’t that be a thing of beauty? I HATE THEM ALL TRY AGAIN PLEASE.
Kim: YAY for Peter and his retro suit getting a rose.
Maggie: All the future wife bravado is super annoying but I guess very appropriate for a show that ends with Neil Lane and engagements.
Kim: Yeah, Josiah, I like you, but you need to dial it down a notch.
Maggie: TICKLE MONSTER MADE IT THROUGH WHAT THE FUCK.
Maggie: Okay, “my dear” is the cringiest thing a guy can say to me, Kenny, no. Absolutely not.
Kim: I like him. This may be where we clash this season.
Maggie: I love her for calling the penguin before Josiah.
Kim: I think that’s HER way of telling him to slow his roll with the future wife thing.
Maggie: But sure, Rachel, let’s it real, keep it one hundred AND NOT ELIMINATE WHABOOM. Feels good, feels organic.
Kim: That was 100% Quinn’s doing.
Maggie: I knew that law student wasn’t cute enough.
Kim: He also looked like he was 12.
Maggie: I LIKED BLAKE K. BOO.
Kim: He was too normal for this show. CALL ME BLAKE.
Maggie: MILTON BOUGHT A LOT OF OUTFITS FOR THIS OH MY GOD AND HE’S CRYING MY BLACK HEART IS REVIVED THIS IS SAD.
Kim: Crying over his outfits, I love it.
Kim: Highlights from the season AKA DRAMA.
Maggie: “And I can’t stop smiling about it” #FreeRachel
And that’s our premiere! Who are your early favorites? How long will Whaboom last? Let us know in the comments.
Featured Image source: ABC