Kim: I’m drunk already cause Michelle is here and it’s Memorial Day. This is going to be fun!
Maggie: I’m watching this stone-cold sober, let’s gooooooooooooooo.
Maggie: I’m so glad she brought her dog BUT WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM and also thank god they don’t make her stay in a wing of the mansion.
Kim: Oh my GOD, could you imagine if she DID have to stay with them? I’m so glad that they give her a break from the madness. Also Copper is the greatest thing that’s ever happened to this show. I hope she gives him the final rose. (Has someone asked her if she named him after Copper in The Fox and The Hound? That’s my head canon until proven otherwise.)
Maggie: I forgot the ‘go black’ guy made it through and also Iggy. Unfortunately, I did remember that Tickle Monster made it. AND FRED THE THIRD GRADER.
Kim: FRED THE THIRD GRADER. Every time I look at him, I’m like “You’re hot” but then I remember the third grader thing and I need a shower. Also Michelle and I are both #TeamKenny
Kim: GROUP DATE TIME HERE WE GO.
Maggie: Oh, I get it Rachel’s a Cool Girl, she can play football with the guys.
Kim: They always do that and I HATE.
Maggie: Is Iggy wearing a Payne Chain? I was rooting for you, man.
Kim: PAYNE CHAIN. GOD THAT IS REALLY A THING.
Maggie: BLAKE YOU’RE AN ASPIRING DRUMMER SIT DOWN.
Kim: I don’t know what spurred you to say this but I 100% agree.
Kim: Oh, God. The name of this game is “Husband Material”? *pours more wine*
Maggie: I know this should go without saying but this challenge is so gross and heteronormative.
Kim: BOYS DON’T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE BABIES OR DO CHORES MAGGIE. But hey, Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis are here.
Maggie: Okay, I probably knew that Ashton and Mila were basic, but I didn’t know they were this basic.
Kim: We have our first WHABOOOOOOOOM of the episode and Michelle just goes “I fucking hate you.”
Maggie: I already know this exchange about “Whaboom” is my favorite part of the episode:
Mila: “That’s the sound that he makes.”
Ashton: “For what?”
Mila: “Like excitement.”
Ashton: “Why?”
Mila: “Just cause he can.”
Kim: When ASHTON KUTCHER is like “Who the fuck is this guy?” you KNOW you have a problem.
Maggie: RIGHT.
Maggie: I feel like, as Whaboom, if there was one guy who I wouldn’t shove it would be the PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER.
Kim: For reals. And Kenny wanted to win this one SO BAD. Cause he’s an actual Dad, you know. Also Mila and Ashton were rooting for him. OR PERHAPS they were rooting for anyone other than Whaboom.
Kim: Quoth Ashton: “I don’t think Rachel’s guy is in this group.”
Kim: Whaboom wins but honestly he should have been disqualified because HE DROWNED HIS BABY.
Maggie: DQ DQ DQ DQ.
Kim: It turns out Aspiring Drummer Blake knew Whaboom before this and starts spilling tea everywhere. He’s not here for the right reasons.
Maggie: BLAKE YOU’RE AN ASPIRING DRUMMER SIT DOWN.
Maggie: OH I love this, dudes who think Rachel is smart and can tell who’s here for the right reason WHAT A CONCEPT, BLAKE. That said, Whaboom sucks and has got to go.
Kim: I want to die.
Kim: OMG Tickle Monster is giving her diaper lessons? Remember how I just said I wanted to die? Still valid.
Maggie: Why did Tickle Monster bring the doll?? WHY IS HE TALKING ABOUT WIPING????
Kim: Someone wrote a poem, murder me.
Maggie: I must have blocked this part out because you know I can’t fucking handle POEMS.
Kim: My notes say “Just the Tip” and I don’t know why, I must have rage blacked out.
Maggie: Is it worse to be a Bachelorette contestant reading a poem or murder fifteen people?
Kim: It’s a toss-up.
Kim: We go back to the house to see who gets the one on one!
Maggie: I remember liking Peter’s coat last week? Is that right?
Kim: YES he was in that very retro plaid print.
Maggie: One-on-one date worthy enough for me.
Kim: True story, I spit food on Michelle when Silver Fox Peter got the date. I was that excited.
Maggie: ILYSM.
Maggie: Wait, no, this exchange is also pretty great:
You can’t write this stuff.
Kim: He’s here to promote Whaboom, Maggie.
Kim: One of my BIGGEST pet peeves is when someone uses their one-on-one time to try to shit on another guy. Seriously? You get 10 minutes to make an impression, bro. Go ahead, bitch about Whaboom the whole time. Way to go Aspiring Drummer Blake.
Maggie: BLAKE. YOU’RE. AN. ASPIRING. DRUMMER. SIT. DOWN.
Maggie: Listen, Whaboom bringing makeup to look his best I actually respect because it’s easy to look like shit on camera and I hate Blake so much, you guys.
Kim: “I know you’re here to further your Whaboom.” “I’m sorry that you don’t have a Whaboom.” I AM DYING.
Maggie: Blake is a worse version of smol Marine from last season WHICH I DID NOT KNOW WAS POSSIBLE.
Kim: SMOL MARINE I ALMOST MISS YOU.
Kim: Dean has a slight RPatz face but he’s still the “Once you go black” guy, so I can’t deal with him.
Maggie: I just feel like Dean grew up going to a country club that at some point Rachel’s family wouldn’t have been allowed to join, you know what I mean?
Kim: Blake and Whaboom are STILL going back and forth about their common ex.
Maggie: “THE ONLY LEG I HAVE TO STAND ON IS MY OWN TWO LEGS.” The dialogue in this episode, you guys.
Kim: Kenny is like “Get me out of here, I can’t deal with this white people nonsense.”
Maggie: Same, Kenny.
Maggie: At least Dean kisses better than whoever it was who basically ate her face last week.
Kim: Yeah, this is slightly better kissing.
Maggie:Finally, Josiah and DeMario, the stars of this season. I don’t even mind the wife trash talk.
Kim: I mind it a little.
Maggie: Is Peter a little salt and peppery? We definitely like him.
Kim: I AM SO HAPPY YOU FINALLY NOTICED IT.
Kim: Sage on gChat: IS THE SECOND PERSON ON THIS DATE HER DOG?
Maggie: IT’S THE DOGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. I feel like bringing the dog is the actual Husband Material challenge.
Kim: YES IT IS. Always go by what your dog thinks of someone. And Copper LOVES Peter sooooooooo.
Maggie: Agreed, Peter is so dreamy. Let’s call it now.
Kim: The date gets even better because it’s at a DOGGIE SPA.
Maggie: Peter’s impression of his dad was fucking ADORABLE.
Kim: MARRY ME. (I’m trying not to get TOO hyped cause the first one-on-one guy always inevitably falls by the wayside but I LOVE HIM.)
Maggie: I do hope at some point one of the other guys has to say to Peter “I’m sorry I called you a gap-toothed bitch. It’s not your fault you’re so gap-toothed.”
Kim: I love them bonding over their gaps.
Maggie: I love them together, this is all working for me.
Kim: Also this open conversation about going to THERAPY. I love how he was just like “Yeah, I needed to see a therapist” and she’s like “ME TOO.” As someone currently writing a fanfic that involves a LOT of therapy, this spoke to me.
Maggie: The whole conversation was pretty revolutionary.
Kim: However, now I am worried Peter is too emotionally healthy to last much longer on this show.
Maggie: The problem with the ones you like is they never deserve to be on this show.
Maggie: HE DIDN’T KNOW HE WAS GETTING A KISS, DID HE?
Kim: Protect this pure soul.
Maggie: I AM A SMITTEN KITTEN TOO RACHEL.
Kim: SMITTEN KITTENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.
Kim: Why does at least one group date a season take place in a high school? Gross.
Maggie: Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is so cute, you guys. I wish he was like my neighbor or a friend’s dad.
Maggie: WHAT THE FUCK IS ADAM JR DOING AT THIS BASKETBALL GAME.
Kim: I have to confess, I totally missed this because I took a little nap during the game because they were all terrible except for DeMario. WINE.
Maggie: It was the most upsetting split second.
Maggie: Who was that one guy showboating because I was surprised he didn’t get cut last week, he is not going far. (Edited to add: Eric, personal trainer.)
Kim: You mean Dule Hill face.
Maggie: I consider that a personal insult to Dule Hill and you should apologize. To him and to me.
Kim: As soon as the Jekyll and Hyde comment was made I was like OH NO IT’S DEMARIO.
Maggie: DEMARIO??????? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Kim: SHE HAS RECEIPTS.
Maggie: I can’t take this girl seriously because of the scrunchie around her wrist.
Kim: DeMario is VERY “New phone, who dis?” with this girl and it’s ACTUALLY painful. What a piece of shit. And you know what? He knows he’s been played because he IMMEDIATELY got all wanting to hide from the cameras. Also, don’t fuck with Rachel, she is a LAWYER.
Maggie: I was really hoping to enjoy this more, but it just kind of sucks. Rachel is embarrassed, DeMario was getting the basketball means character setup so I like him, and THAT GIRL HAD A SCRUNCHIE AROUND HER WRIST AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I BET KAREEM ABDUL-JABBAR KNEW THE WHOLE TIME.
Kim: Rachel telling him to get the fuck out was SO satisfying.
Maggie: So few entertaining dudes…WHY DEMARIO?
Kim: Because he is a sociopathic piece of shit, that’s why.
Maggie: Honestly, I’m surprised they’re going ahead with the rest of the group date.
Kim: SAME. Is she really going to be in a mental place to properly evaluate future life partners? I would want to go home and snuggle the fuck out of Copper and stuff my face.
Maggie: I feel like snuggling with Copper is her go-to self-care, no wonder she brought him.
Kim: Josiah is SO OFFENDED by this whole thing because DeMario was his BRO.
Maggie: I prefer Diggy’s talk with Rachel over Josiah, Josiah was like… too quiet when he was talking. The vibe was off for me. I think those are the only two guys on this date that matter, right?
Kim: Team Diggy. (For the record that makes me Team Peter, Kenny, and Diggy for the Final 3. IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN.)
Maggie: ONE CAN DREAM.
Maggie: Show, I need names and occupations on-screen at all times these first couple of eps, please and thank you. Rachel kissed someone gross and it took forever for you to tell me it was Eric, personal trainer.
Kim: All apologies to Dule Hill.
Maggie: I hate this guy she’s talking to, right. Is this the first impression rose guy? He ate her face?
Kim: Yes, that’s Brian the Face Eater. He gave her a massage and I was grossed out.
Maggie: HARD PASS.
Maggie: Which producer did this guy piss off to have to use Barbie’s dream house as a prop??
Kim: Whoever she was, she was clearly a 13 Going on 30 fan.
Maggie: HE FUCKING WISHES HE WAS MATT FLAMHAFF.
Kim: Precisely. She set him up to fail.
Kim: OKAY I MEAN WE KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN BUT THERE ARE FIVE MINUTES LEFT AND DEMARIO JUST SHOWED UP AT THE MANSION.
Maggie: Colin walks in the room: “You done fucked up, DeMario!”
Kim: I love how Harrison is all YO WASSUP as if he didn’t know DeMario was coming for the drama.
Maggie: You know who would be a better host is Andy Cohen. He can’t keep his thirst for drama off his face during Housewives reunions. He’s practically sipping tea the whole time.
Kim: I would vastly prefer that to Harrison’s smug ass fake innocent act.
Maggie: TO BE CONTINUED… because of course.
Kim: OF COURSE.
Will Rachel hear DeMario out? Will she ride off into the sunset with Peter? Let us know your thoughts in the comments!
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