Kim: Previously on The Bachelorette (because it was ages ago thanks to some sportsball finals), we discovered Peter’s instagram, Lee established himself as the racist villain, Iggy became an inflated version of Smol Marine, and everyone had Eric, Personal Trainer’s name in their mouths. Annnnnnnnnnnnnnd go!
Kim: The first person Rachel seeks comfort with from all the drama is Tickle Monster and how the fuck is he still here?
Maggie: Hey, Josiah’s back in play! Please shut Iggy down because Eric, personal trainer, is too drunk for it.
Kim: Lee’s evil laugh at “This is so much fun!” is terrifying. I feel like he was always going to be a villain but this escalated quickly, no?
Maggie: I’LL GIVE YOU 16 SECONDS TO LEAVE THIS SHOW, LEE.
Kim: Also the way his hair is swooped looks like he modeled it after There’s Something About Mary.
Maggie: Kenny’s over here serving up open and honest communication and Lee with the aggressive HOVERING, MY GOD.
Kim: He’s doing an actual countdown? Also he passive aggressively touches Kenny as he leaves, yikes.
Maggie: KENNY LOOKING AT THE CAMERA AND SHAKING HIS HEAD I’M SCREAMING.
Maggie: “I just think Lee’s kind of a bitch?” Most I’ve ever liked Dean.
Kim: I enjoy Dean’s Harry shirt.
Maggie: Dean’s pocket square doesn’t match his Harry-esque Hawaiian Dad blouse (JINX!) but yes, let’s acknowledge Lee’s motives please.
Kim: “You know exactly what I mean.” *seal claps*
Kim: “I’m so salty right now, bro.”
Maggie: I’M SALTY RIGHT NOW TOO, KENNY.
Maggie: This quark/cork/quirk debate is equal parts annoying and delightful somehow?
Kim: I was on the annoyed side of things until I remembered how drunk they all probably are and I forget the meanings of words when I am drunk too so I shouldn’t judge and I should just be thankful that no one is there to film me after I’ve had five Orange Flowers.
Kim: “I want you to be vulnerable with me.”Shut up Face Eater Bryan, I honestly don’t know what she sees in him. All he does is spout cliches and she’s like “You’re too good to be true!”
Maggie: That face-eating kiss wasn’t too good to be true, though, babe.
Kim: Though I do like that he was all “No more drama”.
Maggie: I hate when the guys I hate make sense. I guess this kiss was better? I’m just not into Bryan, he’s too glib.
Kim: AGREE 100%.
Kim: Kenny approaches Lee and he’s trying really hard to be respectful but Lee keeps baiting him. AND DEAN. “I hope that Kenny punches Lee in the face.”
Maggie: Okay, maybe I love Dean.
Kim: This is so unexpected.
Kim: Kenny and Lee start shouting over it and it’s interrupting Rachel’s one on one time with Brady and she’s super annoyed by it.
Maggie: Rachel, it’s just the firefighter with the face we don’t like, who cares if you can concentrate?
Kim: Seriously, he looks like he styles his facial hair after Wolverine and LBR, that’s a look only Hugh Jackman can pull off.
Maggie: Like thank for trying to cover your face but no thanks.
Maggie: PETER, MY LOVE AND HIS SALT AND PEPPER HAIR.
Kim: I feel like he is always so real with her, help me. ALSO I ALMOST FORGOT HE WAS IN A VEST.
Kim: Rachel is 100% done with this night.
Maggie: Okay, I feel like escalated quickly? Is Rachel just at a point where this is fucking exhausting and she hit the wall?
Kim: I love that she acknowledges the pressures on her as a black woman and that the expectations are automatically going to be different on her. It’s something I could never understand and I highly doubt it’s something anyone else on that set could understand. What makes her such a great Bachelorette is the fact that she is so candid about it. I wish I could give her a hug.
Kim: I hate Chris Harrison intervening with his smug ass face like he knows what she’s dealing with.
Maggie: He’s the WORST, no one cares what you facilitate, bro.
Maggie: OMG I forgot all about Alex’s purple suit.
Kim: It just came SCREAMING back to me.
Maggie: This episode needs more Diggy.
Kim: He and Rachel must have NO chemistry (and he’s actually a normal person) because Dude has gotten ZERO screentime and he was so charming in the premiere in his intro package.
Maggie: ROSE CEREMONY.
Maggie: I think we like Will?
Kim: I think we do too?
Maggie: Dean, we apparently like now.
Kim: How did this happen?
Maggie: TICKLE MONSTER NO.
Maggie: PETER YES.
Kim: Peter is making the finals.
Maggie: Adam, meh. Even when he leaves, they’re keeping Adam Jr. around, you just know it.
Maggie: Bryan, ugh.
Kim: I DON’T SEE THE APPEAL.
Maggie: Who the fuck is Matt?
Kim: I have no idea
Maggie: Josiah, cool cool cool. Jack?
Kim: I’m curious as to why he’s the only one who goes by his full name? There are no other Jacks here.
Maggie: Iggy, barf.
Kim: Keeping him for the drama.
Maggie: KENNY GOOD.
Maggie: LEE WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK NO.
Kim: WHAT THE DAMN HELL. I MEAN I KNEW HE WAS PROBABLY STAYING BUT SHE MADE SUCH GOOD CHOICES LAST WEEK WITH GETTING RID OF DRAMATICS I HAD AN INKLING OF HOPE.
Kim: BUT DIGGY.
Maggie: Fuck this show, honestly.
Kim: Like she kept Lee when Diggy was RIGHT THERE in his adorable glasses and bow ties.
Maggie: LOOK HOW HANDSOME DIGGY LOOKS COME THE FUCK ON I’M GONNA CRY.
Kim: So is he.
Maggie: HE’S CRYING OH MY GOD.
Kim: I DID see on Reality Steve (DON’T WORRY I AVOIDED SPOILERS FOR THIS) when I was trying to get more info on the Bachelor in Paradise scandal that Diggy WAS going to be a contestant there, so that’s SOMETHING, I guess. (And newsflash it looks like BIP is happening after all, so maybe we’ll see him soon.)
Maggie: Listen, Rachel, this toast means nothing to me after keeping Lee over Diggy. NOTHING.
Maggie: Oh, man, I forgot we traveled on this show.
Kim: This week is brought to you by the Hilton Head tourism board.
Maggie: Didn’t Dean already have a one-on-one date?? Or he just got a lot of a group date?
Kim: I believe he got a lot of time on group dates. It’s a little SOON for someone to be getting a second one on one. And let’s be real, the first person to get a second one will be Peter. I bet my nonexistent money on it.
Maggie: Is it me or is Dean never, like, at ease? He’s always kind of nervously or awkwardly laughing.
Kim: He IS a little twitchy. And still looks like a Ken doll to me, but I’m invested in him now.
Maggie: It just occurred to me he reminds me of GRANT GUSTIN.
Kim: OH. I can see that for sure.
Kim: 10 to 1 a Helicopter lands in the next 30 seconds.
Kim: OR A BLIMP. And Dean is conveniently afraid of heights and is afraid he’s gonna puke.
Maggie: Okay, I know we’re just being cute but sometimes there’s puke in marriage, Rachel.
Kim: I never understand the fear of heights when you’re in something like that. Like, jumping off a cliff sure? Flying in a machine DESIGNED to do so? Nah son. It’s not the Hindenberg.
Maggie: IT’S CUTE THAT HE’S LOOKING FOR THE SEATBELT I CAN’T BELIEVE I LIKE DEAN NOW.
Kim: His terror is enDEANING. MAGGIE HOW HAVE WE NOT BEEN MAKING DEAN PUNS THE ENTIRE TIME. Jim Rash would be so sad.
Maggie: Oh my GODDDD. We’ll have to make up lost time now.
Maggie: I don’t think Dean needs to be worried about his age, it’s not like he’s Fred the third grader or anything.
Kim: A moment of silence for Fred. (And for me with Dean, it’s more the start-up thing that gives me pause.)
Kim: DATE CARD TIME. I enjoy Peter’s dramatic readings and how he pointed to himself as if we all didn’t know who he was.
Maggie: How long are we going to keep up the pretense of the Tickle Monster as a serious contender??
Kim: I give him one more episode.
Maggie: A racist who didn’t come here to make friends, how refreshing.
Kim: I hate.
Maggie: DEAN IS WEARING WHITE JEANS YOU GUYS.
Kim: That’s it, he definitely has a Harry Styles pinterest board.
Maggie:No offense to Dean but what the fuck is with this show and it getting off on sob stories?
Kim: For reals. We are endeared to him already, we don’t need this. (I think they put it in to counteract the whole “He’s too young” thing to be like “Look, he’s been through some shit, so he’s mature.”)
Kim: I always hate the “surprise concerts” so much. Like who is this guy? And everyone has to pretend to be so excited to see him when no one knows who he is either. (Fun Fact: one year Matt Nathanson was this guy and I was so sad for him.)
Maggie: I’m so fatigued and we still have 45 more minutes, guys.
Kim: BOOZE CRUISE.
Kim: If you’re hot, feel free to take your shirts off. SHAMELESS, I LOVE.
Maggie: Why is Peter’s shirt still on?
Kim: IT’S PINK. Also he just did the Jack Dawson and he’s the ONLY guy who could have gotten away with it for me.
Kim: OKAY BUT PETER IS RAPPING AND WHY IS IT SO HOT?
Maggie: I love that this is the general consensus.
Kim: The man can do no wrong.
Kim: A spelling bee?
Maggie: Fun fact: I got disqualified from a spelling bee after misspelling the word daiquiri. I was in seventh grade, I had no business knowing how to spell it, okay.
Maggie: ANOTHER FUN FACT: The spelling bee was in Utica, MI, but no, I did not burn it to the ground.
Kim: That’s disappointing.
Kim: ERIC POutinG (Oops, some how in my note taking I became Zayn.)
Maggie: YOU GOTTA NOT.
Kim: JESUS, the first word is SQUIRT. They are going to make this as dirty as possible aren’t they? THEY HAVE TEENAGERS JUDGING.
Maggie: I like that the spelling bee is in the same episode as quark v. cork v. quirk conversation.
Kim: That IS a lovely bit of editing.
Kim: Eric and his spelling of FACADE. Like I can forgive Kenny and “Champagne” cause he just flipped two letters but I don’t even know what the fuck Eric was doing here.
Kim: OH MY GOD PETER’S WORD IS COITUS.
Maggie: GIVING PETER THE WORD COITUS OH MY GOD THIS IS DOWNRIGHT OBSCENE.
Kim: HE ASKS FOR IT IN A SENTENCE AND THEN REPLIES “A MAN COULD ONLY HOPE” WHEN THE SENTENCE CONTEXT IS RACHEL. And then he misspells it.
Maggie: MY BOY CAN’T SPELL IT BUT YOU KNOW HE CAN DO IT.
Maggie: Full disclosure, I can never spell boutonniere right the first try.
Kim: Sorry, I’m still recovering from “Coitus”
Kim: Josiah wins with “polyamorous”. AGAIN THERE ARE CHILDREN JUDGING.
Maggie: Polyamorous is kind of a fucked up word to win on in this show.
Kim: Josiah is actually drinking out of his giant trophy, BLESS.
Maggie: Real talk, I want to drink alcohol out of a dumb trophy I won, how did Josiah become goals?
Kim: One on one time with Peter, my body is ready.
Maggie: I actually believe Rachel when she describes her easy dynamic with Peter.
Kim: My television is going to catch on fire from their chemistry. Rachel is doing ALL the hair flipping JUST KISS ALREADY.
Maggie: SHE’S LICENSED TO PRACTICE IN WISCONSIN THIS IS MEANT TO BE.
Kim: That’s convenient. MAKE OUT.
Kim: Alert, Peter is wearing rainbow socks.
Maggie: I missed these and now I have a sad.
Kim: We go from Peter to Eric, Personal Trainer who is all “I also like hugs, can I have a hug”. Someone pass me Josiah’s goblet so I can vomit.
Maggie: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww all this physical affection with Eric, personal trainer, is making me throw up in my mouth.
Kim: Maggie, I know you didn’t watch back then, and I can’t even remember whose season it was but there was once a guy named Kasey and his motto was “I just want to guard and protect your heart” AND THAT’S IGGY with his whole protective thing. I CAN’T. Also, he just keeps stirring shit. He’s literally only here to stir shit cause really what has Josiah done other than his whole “SHE’S MY WIFE” bit?
Maggie: Iggy is lowkey the most dramatic hoe here, okay.
Kim: Iggy KNOWS she isn’t into him so all he does is make drama so he can stay on the show.
Kim: I think Sage’s tweet sums it up the best.
Now Iggy's going to tell Rachel he also saw Goody Proctor with the devil. #TheBachelorette
— Sage Young (@abrighteryellow) June 20, 2017
Maggie: In fairness, Josiah seems to have false bravado all the time and not just around Rachel.
Kim: Agree. Just let him drink out of his goblet. Also, innocent Will is like GET ME OUT as soon as Josiah starts talking to Iggy.
Maggie: BUT THEN HE’S DOWN TO WATCH THE DRAMA, WE LIKE HIM.
Kim: Ugh Lee. Genuine my ASS.
Maggie: Oh THAT’S Lee’s problem, he’s so genuine that it comes across as disingenuous. Glad we got that cleared up.
Maggie: “I’m interested to see how this goes.” You’re the only one, Lee.
Kim: I love when Rachel was like “Don’t call me Ma’am”. He’s so condescending.
Kim: I also love how she’s very much like “Not Kenny” because all of this is coming from left field as far as Lee’s descriptions.
Maggie: See, I feel like Kenny actually respects her.
Kim: I just CAN’T with Lee’s Toxic Southern White Male Shit. He’s literally holding a glass of brandy while cackling like he’s a villain in a Tennessee Williams play.
Maggie: Gee, I wonder why Lee doesn’t have a problem with Peter or Alex. Someone get Dean in here to explain it to me.
Kim: Have I mentioned how much I love it when Rachel cross examines them? I gotta say, Kenny held his ground VERY well.
Maggie: My heart is breaking a little for Kenny right now, guys.
Kim: ALTERNATIVE FACT PIECE OF GARBAGE. OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD SLAY KENNY SLAY.
Maggie: I fucking loved when he said that.
Kim: “That said, I will watch.”
Maggie: YEAH WE LIKE WILL.
Maggie: TO BE CONTINUED… with two nights next week? I’m going to have to stock up on the wine.
Kim: GOD I HATE THE TWO NIGHT EVENTS BUT ALSO KENNY AND LEE ON A ONE ON ONE. This is some UnReal level bullshit.