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Rose Petals – Kim and Maggie Watch The Bachelorette, Week 5 Part I

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Posted by Kim and Maggie

Kim: JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL WE HAVE TWO NIGHTS OF THIS ON TAP.

Kim: Right off the bat, we get a repeat of the best moment of last week, which was Will’s “That said, I will watch.”
Maggie: I love Will being here for watching the drama. Same, girl.

Reminder that this is Will.

Maggie: I love hearing Peter say that he knows Kenny wants to talk to Lee but there’s no talking to Lee. He’s beautiful and he gets it.
Kim: We’re going to spend the whole episode on this and I am already tired.

Kim: Meanwhile Rachel is all cozy with Face Eater and they keep telling each other they are too good for each other. Face Eater just keeps spewing clichés. Seriously. If we took a shot for every cliché he dropped, we’d be dead before the episode was over.
Maggie: I do not love Bryan, whose name I’ve apparently learned now. #faceeater
Kim: OH MY GOD THE TONGUE KISSING LIKE YOU CAN SEE HIS TONGUE AND IT’S NOT GOOD. Make it stop. 
Maggie: *shudders*

Kim: Listen, Kenny is trying to speak very calmly here.
Maggie: Goddddddd I hate Kenny having to speak this calmly (and point it out) to prove the point.
Kim: I’m dying over Will offering commentary as they watch this go down. “They are pointing very aggressively.”
Maggie: I love Will as an audience stand in.

Kim: BYE SNAKEY.
Maggie: Everyone should wave and say “Bye, Snakey” when Lee finally gets cut.
Kim: Honestly, that better be a Twitter Trending Topic.

Kim: To the surprise of no one, Face Eater gets the date rose. Cause we’re STILL on a fucking group date.
Maggie: UGH RACHEL WHY.

Kim: “I feel sorry for Lee’s parents cause they gotta be ‘Damn, that’s our son.'” KENNY.
Maggie: Kenny is a fucking class act, okay.
Kim: Oh Kenny, stop. Please stop giving him the attention he clearly wants. But don’t stop, this tirade is glorious.
Maggie: The only way to win with Lee is to completely ignore him but how could you be trapped in this fishbowl with him and not say anything??

Kim: Peter has clearly had enough of the drama. Look at his face.
Maggie: Guys, I’ll just say it. This makes me miss Chad.

Kim: Oh God , we STILL have a one on one with Jack before this rose ceremony which definitely means the two on one will be the cliffhanger. I mean I knew it would be like this, but still. Now we KNOW.
Maggie: I don’t like Jack’s face.
Kim: Seriously WHO IS JACK.
Maggie: I also don’t like the way he uses his face?
Kim: He blinks VERY aggressively and it freaks me out.

Kim: Oh, she is NOT feeling him.  AT ALL. When she says “On paper”, she means “But he’s boring AF and we have no chemistry.”
Maggie: Chemistry. That’s what’s missing, Rachel. C-H-E-M-I-S-T-R-Y.
Kim: CHEMISTRY IS MISSING.
Maggie: Jinx.
Kim: I just wanted to make sure everyone KNEW that’s what was missing.

Maggie: Jack kind of reminds me Dr. Rich from Community but completely lacking in any charm?
Kim: See, I see Edward Nygma from Gotham. I know you don’t watch, but TRUST me. Especially in the way he creepily stares.

This is Jack.
This is also Jack.

Kim: Jack is all “I kept staring at you” to excuse why he was such a horrible dancer and Rachel is like “GET OUT of my personal space” cause it’s clear he’s going in for a kiss. He gets one but it is BRIEF and if she leaned any further away from him she’d be doing a literal back bend.

Maggie: OH MY FUCKING GOD LEE IT’S NOT WILL’S JOB TO EDUCATE YOU BUT HE’S DOING IT ANYWAY AND YOU IMMEDIATELY GO TO “RACE CARD”???
Kim: Lee is SUCH a piece of garbage.

Maggie: Jack makes my SKIN CRAWL.
Kim: Look at her face, she’s so not into ANY of this.
Maggie: This is so awkward and embarrassing, she clearly feels NOTHING. Someone make him stop talking.

Kim: HE’D LOCK THE DOOR. That is not at all creepy or serial killer like. 
Maggie: RACHEL YOU IN DANGER GIRL.
Kim: THEN I’D CUT THE PHONE LINES. Jack, think about how this sounds for the LOVE of God. She’s like NOPE, you gotta blast.
Maggie: Thank GOD.
Kim: His FACE when she sends him home though. He crazy.

Maggie: I get such a thrill when I hear “cancel the cocktail party.” #introvertlife
Kim: Listen, at certain points, these parties become unnecessary. And after the week Rachel’s had, this is definitely one of those points. (Side note, Peter was wearing a basic white t-shirt when Harrison told them the party was off and it was a LOT.)

Maggie: ROSE CEREMONY.
Kim: Let’s send Iggy home, I am ready. (This is so anti-climactic because we KNOW Lee is getting through.)
Maggie: Eric, Personal Trainer. No, thank you. PETERRRRRRRRRRR MY SALT AND PEPPER LOVE.
Kim: Wearing the HELL out of that blue suit by the way. 
Maggie: Adam because… ?
Kim: Seriously why is he still here?
Maggie: Will, we like.
Kim: Yes, his stock has RISEN.
Maggie: Who is Matt again?
Kim: I DON’T KNOW. 
Maggie: I’m surprised Alex and his tiny ponytail made it, actually.
Kim: She was pretty charmed by him last week. He’s harmless.
Maggie: Josiah, yep.
Kim: All the Kenny and Lee voiceovers are distracting. GUYS LEE IS PRAYING FOR KENNY. And Kenny is doing the snake, this is a lot.

Maggie: Anthony is so boringggg although for a split second I thought he said “no” and I got interested real quick.
Kim: Honestly, I WISH that kind of shit would happen.
Maggie: KENNY MY MAN.
Kim: #TeamKenny
Maggie: OH SHIT I JUST REALIZED TICKLE MONSTER IS GOING HOME BECAUSE WE KNOW IT’S LEE
Kim: IGGY TOO.

Maggie: Okay but, how fucked up is it that Tickle Monster deserves to be here more than Lee?
Kim: He gets one last tickle in though.
Maggie: Oh Jesus, he just referred to himself as Tickle Monster, I can’t.
Kim: “I gotta get out there and find a girl that appreciates a good tickling.” NO ONE NEEDS TO KNOW THIS MUCH ABOUT YOUR FETISHES SIR.
Maggie: I would wish him luck but I don’t want to.

Maggie: BYE IGGY.
Kim: He’s crying, OMG REALLY.

Maggie: Oh my good godddddddd, Peter in a hot tub in our future.
Kim: This season has been sorely lacking when it comes to hot tub time, I can’t believe we’re being blessed with this.

Maggie: I want to go on these vacations so bad, though.
Kim: Same. Also I LOVE her sweater and skinnies look.
Maggie: I begrudgingly enjoy Eric’s commitment to scarves. This show is unfair.

Maggie: PETER IN A GRANDPA CARDIGAN NOT A DRILL
Kim: WHY AND HOW IS HE HITTING ALL MY STYLE KINKS THIS IS TOO MUCH.
Maggie: I just have on question: WHY.
Kim: GRANDPA SWEATER GRANDPA SWEATER AND THIS IS THE SECOND ONE HE’S BUSTED OUT.
Maggie: Peter’s cardigan would have gone a lot better with her cowl neck sweater, I’m just saying.
Kim: No, I would have ascended with all the cuddly.

Kim: Face Eater gets the one on one. It’s hilarious some of the guys were like “He’s not coming back.”

Maggie: I don’t think Bryan is too good to be true but I also don’t believe any of this late bloomer stuff he’s saying, he’s too glib.
Kim: SHOW ME THE RECEIPTS.
Maggie: OKAY RIGHT.

Kim: Back at the resort, Eric, Personal Trainer is all “Rachel doesn’t want to date the brothers based on who is getting the one on ones” and Anthony, pure of heart, is like “No.”
Maggie: Okay, maybe Anthony can stay.

Kim: OKAY I’m making a bold call: Bryan will be our next Bachelor and badly kiss 25 different women next January. He just dropped the “Falling in love with you” bomb on WEEK FIVE. It’s an expert move.
Maggie: SO. MUCH. FACE. EATING.

Kim: Kenny’s FACE when he realizes that he and Lee will be on the two on one. Lee, on the other hand, is smug, probably because Quinn told him it was coming.

Kim: Kenny is trying SO HARD to rise above and then Face Eater has the nerve to give him a pep talk like he can relate.
Maggie: Thanks, Face Eater, Kenny never thought of that, be the bigger man, GREAT IDEA.

Kim: I love how they always have to play sportsball in a way to encourage the dudes to beat the shit out of each other.
Maggie: Full disclosure, I was fatigued before sportsball so now I’m struggling.

Maggie: I have no objections to Peter’s handsy strategy.
Kim: OMG PETER IN THIS UNIFORM WHERE IS MY CLOSEUP.
Maggie: For real though, we got so much quality Peter content in this ep.
Kim: OMG He just picked her up, pass me the smelling salts.
Maggie: Saaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmme.

Maggie: Did Dean just tie her shoe, he’s such a fucking Harry girl.
Kim: I missed this cause I was too distracted by THE FUCKING DUMMY IN THE BALCONY.
Maggie: Jesus fuck why. (I missed this one)

Kim: Will kills it with the sportsball DO WE HAVE A DARK HORSE CONTENDER?

Maggie: Oh god is Alex reading a poem. This is the worst thing any of them could ever do to me.
Kim: NO MAN DOES THIS IN REAL LIFE. This is one of the things I hate the MOST is when they write letters or poems and I’m just like WHY.

Maggie: MATT WHO ARE YOU?
Kim: Honestly, I don’t think Matt even knows who he is.

Maggie: “I don’t see how this could go wrong” *Josiah enters*
Kim: Josiah’s stock PLUMMETED in this episode. “Your beauty radiates from your core.” Stop. Please.
Maggie: YOU’RE TOO PERCEPTIVE? NOPE TURNED ON JOSIAH CUT HIM.
Kim: I love how she called him on not ever really asking about HER but yet spewing all this shit about how she’s the one for him. “He’s more fascinated with the idea of me.”
Maggie: I think he’s more fascinated with himself.

Kim: PETER ONE ON ONE TIME. Their BANTER. It’s so much. “DO YOU WANT TO COVER IT IN THE HOT TUB?” GET IT GURL I CAN ONLY YELL.
Maggie: HOT TUBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB. Goddamn.
Kim: HANDS I AM ON FIRE HIS HANDS HIS HANNNNNNNNNDS ON FIRE ON FIRE ON FIRE THEY WERE GONE FOR HOURS. HOURS MAGGIE. HOURSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

Actual footage of us watching the Hot Tub sexy times.

Kim: AND THEN AFTER ALL OF THAT RACHEL GIVES WILL THE ROSE.
Maggie: Okay, we like Will, but this not much, GIVE THE ROSE TO PETER.
Kim: And he starts QUESTIONING HIMSELF. MY HEART. I mean I would be too after that makeout session.

Maggie: I can’t deal all this two-on-one build, sorry.
Kim: Especially when we KNOW it’s gonna be a “to be continued” situation.

Kim: Okay first strike against Peter for being like “Lee has the cooler head.”
Maggie: Fuck, I missed that.
Kim: Yeah, I was like “Did he just say what I think he said?” I mean he was also like “Kenny allows Lee to provoke him” which is accurate, but like Lee does NOT have the cooler head here when he is the one doing all the attacking, you know?
Maggie: He phrased it in a positive way at the start of the ep though: I love hearing Peter say that he knows Kenny wants to talk to Lee but there’s no talking to Lee. He’s beautiful and he gets it. or At least that’s how it came across to me. Like Kenny wants to reason with him but there is no reasoning with him.
Kim: Yes, agree. The comment was a little jarring to me, but I can fully believe we didn’t hear his whole thought. Or the context with which he brought it up. HE’S STILL MY BOO THOUGH.

Kim: Kenny is already so uncomfortable, this is awful. And Lee is putting on this Southern Gentleman™ act and it’s so gross.
Maggie: I fucking love Kenny, okay.
Kim: I HAVE SINCE DAY ONE.

Maggie: YAS KENNY GET BACK TO RACHEL AND EVERYTHING YOU GUYS COULD BE SHE’LL SEE THE TRUTH ON HER OWN YAS.
Kim: Him being all “I’m looking for forever,” PUPPY.

Maggie: This is so frustrating, I hate thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis. THIS IS BAD CASTING, ABC, NOT CASTING FOR DRAMA.
Kim: Lee is SO MANIPULATIVE and blatantly lying about the physical violence. A) Kenny would have been removed from the show had things gotten like that, we’ve seen it happen before. B) If I were Rachel, I would be like SHOW ME THE FUCKING TAPES. I love how she goes all “Lawyer Rachel” and immediately pulls Kenny aside after that talk to tell him.
Maggie: I genuinely can’t imagine how Kenny feels hearing these lies about him.

Kim: Lee sitting there drinking his whiskey in a crystal tumbler like he’s in a Tennessee Williams play again.
Maggie: He’s such a fucking caricature.

Kim: And we END with Kenny’s cackle as he comes back to join Lee. I AM SCARED.

Will we finally see the end of Lee tonight? WHO PUNCHES KENNY? Let us know in the comments.

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