Maggie: Okay, I’ve had a splash of wine, let’s do TWO MORE HOURS OF THIS.
Kim: Sage and I went to see The Total Package Tour on Tuesday night aka Boyz II Men, Paula Abdul, and New Kids on the Block. I’m still recovering from Jordan Knight being a DRAMATIC HOE but I will try to focus and NOT watch this video on repeat.
Maggie: Part of me wishes Kenny would start calling him Taylor Swift instead of Snake.
Kim: *inserts snake emoji here* “It must feel terrible that you have to LIE.”
Maggie: I can’t deal with the “Jesus loves you.” I CANNOT.
Kim: I SCREAMED. “Jesus don’t love you!” OMG I WISH THEY WEREN’T BLEEPING HIM. (This all feels SO staged though? Like the way Lee is just sitting there smiling? It’s all fake.)
Maggie: What would Jesus do? He would send Lee home, Rachel.
Kim: Side note, Lee seems like he’s freezing in that hoodie but I also don’t care cause he has no soul.
Kim: “I don’t trust you.” #BYESNAKEY
Maggie: YES, have an actual date with Kenny as opposed to this day of cross examinations in the Norwegian woods.
Kim: I am very much a fan of her being like “I don’t want to send you home yet but I’m not ready to give you the rose, because really, how can I after this shit show, so let’s hang out, okay?”
Kim: Wait, why is Kenny going back to say his final goodbyes to Lee? BRO, YOU WON, JUST WALK AWAY. And she is NOT having it. I need a gif of that eyeroll.
Maggie: I don’t know if Kenny can come back from Rachel saying this is making her look stupid.
Kim: I BET YOU FEEL STUPID RACHEL CAUSE I DO TOO.
Kim: I feel like Kenny signed his goodbye papers right there, honestly. I wish he had just held his tongue.
Maggie: It was really disappointing, but at the same time I don’t know how much rising above I’m capable of.
Kim: I LOVE her calling him on the helicopter thing. Rachel has no time for bullshit.
Maggie: Okay, okay, this is a good conversation about it, he’s handling it well. Now.
Kim: I love how open he’s being here.
Maggie: “If I love you, everything I say to you is going to be measured with that” I like thaaaaaaaaaaaaat.
Kim: KENNY IS A GOOD MAN.
Maggie: She feels like he tried to build a friendship first, I’m melting, oh my God.
Kim: A well-earned rose for you, sir.
Kim: Oh my GOD this phone call with his daughter. He loves her so much.
Maggie: Kenny and his daughter are SO fucking cute. I’m guessing he needed that convo after all this stress.
Maggie: I wish they didn’t cliffhang so much, I can’t keep track of the action before each rose ceremony. They started saying rose ceremony and I was like wait huh because I forgot there was a group date even though I watched the last episode just last night. (Thanks again for this double-header, ABC.)
Kim: SAME. I was so confused that we were having a rose ceremony already. PS GIMME THIS SPARKLE GOLD WRAP EVENING GOWN. It looks glamorous and comfy AF.
Maggie: DEAN YOU WOODLAND SPRITE YOU.
Kim: I missed Dean in these past few episodes. COME BACK PLEASE.
Maggie: Eric, Personal Trainer. Whatever.
Maggie: PETER MY MAN. That was a killer combo of grandpa sweater and hot tub last night.
Kim: Also he’s wearing a scarf? HELP.
Maggie: Alex, okay, I guess handwritten letters work. Barf.
Maggie: Adam, who I only know who is because of the atrocity that is Adam Jr.
Kim: WHY IS HE STILL HERE?
Maggie: WHO. THE. FUCK. IS. MATT.
Kim: I only recognize him by his thinning hair.
Maggie: Anthony, sorry you were too normal and boring.
Maggie: Josiah, not sorry you’re overly cocky and self-centered. Congrats on the spelling bee, though.
Kim: He’ll always have his giant trophy. I’m a little shocked by how QUICKLY he dropped to the bottom. Except I’m not cause she warned him? This color commentary on the remaining guys is great though. He called Alex a Soviet Union KGB Spy ahahahahahahahahaha.
Maggie: Listen, Rachel, we all know some of the upcoming goodbyes aren’t going to be that hard *cough* Adam *cough* Matt, is it?
Kim: It’s so obvious.
Kim: MOVING ON TO COPENHAGEN.
Maggie: This is already a vacation I’d want to go on, so all this gratuitous Copenhagen porn is working for me.
Maggie: No no no, no more Eric, Personal Trainer. Why is he getting a one on one WHEN WE DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO MATT IS.
Kim: It’s coming up on the time when she’s going to start giving second one on ones, I wish she could just cut the guys she doesn’t care about. Sorry, Matt.
Maggie: I don’t care about Matt or Adam at all but the show feels stacked against them in a way that ruffles me. Why start with a hundred guys and then cut them at this point because they didn’t get enough individual time with her?
Maggie: These outdoor hot tubs are the reason they decided to shoot in Denmark, I’m just saying.
Kim: I love the naked guy just standing up and cheering at them.
Maggie: Okay, Eric was pretty inoffensive on this date, but I just don’t see it. I’m not into him.
Kim: I don’t understand why he keeps dancing? That said, they make an aesthetically pleasing couple.
Maggie: I disagree but I never claimed to be objective about Eric, Personal Trainer.
Kim: Have I mentioned how much I love Peter’s dramatic date card readings?
Maggie: Oh, we’re still on this Eric date? Okay.
Kim: IT’S AT AN AMUSEMENT PARK THOUGH. So many “Night Changes” feelings.
Maggie: OHH THOSE BURGERS LOOK AMAZING I WISH THEY COULD EAT THEM.
Kim: JINX, THEY LOOK GLORIOUS.
Maggie: *cue sob story*
Kim: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…it’s so vague? Like he doesn’t even go into detail about WHY?
Maggie: Sorry to be a bitch but his sob story isn’t as clear-cut as others (EVEN THOUGH I TOTALLY RESENT HOW THIS SHOW GETS OFF ON SOB STORIES) so I don’t necessarily care? But at the same time, it seemed like they had a genuine moment of connection over being guarded, so I don’t know. I give up.
Something about him seems like a boy and she's a grown ass woman. https://t.co/5AsVZUwBKA
— Kelsey ???????? Maccombs (@kelseymaccombs) June 28, 2017
Kim: I just keep staring at the burgers Maggie.
Maggie: FOR REAL THOUGH.
Kim: How can you be falling for Rachel, Adam? You’ve talked to her for like 5 minutes this whole time.
Maggie: OKAY ALEX WAS ADORABLE JUST THEN DO I LIKE HIM NOW? AGAIN??
Kim: I think Alex is a pure soul.
Maggie: That was real cute though, how he gestured to himself after saying dressing up, we’ve definitely noticed his bold wardrobe.
Kim: His sense of style boggles my mind. It’s like straight out of 1985.
Kim: PETER LOOKS LIKE A VIKING PRINCE. Look at how his cape BILLOWS in the wind. (And then he picks her up and flips her over and I can only think about how he probably uses that move in other places.)
Maggie: OMG is Adam about to cut Kenny’s eye open then??? PLOT TWIST.
Kim: This is why I hate their promo department. They completely took this out of context to make it look like it was something WAY more dramatic than what it was. Also, are those REAL swords? What the fuck.
Maggie: OH SHIT it’s both of them. The group date games are RIDIC, although I did enjoy that Kenny basically picked Adam up and lifted him out of the circle.
Kim: Kenny kissing her hand after he wins though. YOU ARE A VIKING KING, SIR.
Maggie: Dean’s coming for me in that cardigan. Wait, sorry, jacket. He has a Louis pinterest board, too.
Kim: He’s such a fucking Larrie.
Maggie: “First things first, LET ME EAT YOUR FACE.”
Kim: “Peel back those layers.” Face Eater used a cliche, everyone take a shot.
Maggie: Is Eric tipsy or sleepy or does he just not care about what Will is saying? Or is that just Eric?
Kim: I think he checked out after Will dropped the “I typically date white girls” comment. Eric IS the guy who called out Rachel gravitating towards the white men, after all.
Maggie: PETER, HELLO, I’VE MISSED YOU.
Kim: They are so twitterpaited.
Maggie: That “Can you kiss me?” was so CUTE, OH MY GOD.
Kim: “I’M YOUR MUSE” was SO HOT.
Maggie: SHE STARTS WITH MATT BY ASKING HOW KENNY IS JUST CALL IT AND CUT MATT.
Kim: Listen, I love how seriously Kenny is taking this when it comes to his daughter. He’s not feeling like he’s there with Rachel and he’s like “Nope, I’m not bringing my girl into this if I’m not sure.” RESPECT.
Maggie: Oh this is heartbreaking with Kenny, but honestly it makes sense and it’s probably for the best.
Kim: This is way too adult to be happening on The Bachelorette.
Maggie: I’m so sad, though. After all he went through and it still didn’t work out. At least he left on his own terms and not because of Lee.
Kim: YES, exactly this. Plus, it’s obvious to me that Kenny and Rachel have a lot of respect for each other. He is an A+ human being. And he loves his kid so damn much and puts her FIRST, I want to cry.
Maggie: PETER GETTING HIS GROUP DATE ROSE FINALLY.
Kim: Jesus, finally.
Maggie: Now that Rachel mentioned it, Will does seem a bit stiff and clammed up, right?
Kim: I keep running hot and cold with him. One minute I think he’s great, the next he’s a stick in the mud. And he’s a stick in the mud on this date.
Maggie: Oh my god, HER FACE nodding along, waiting for him to make a move, any move.
Kim: Maybe he’s just nervous? Kiss her, you idiot. You’re standing on the steps of a fucking castle.
Maggie: She is NOT having this conversation about him dating predominantly white women.
Kim: This convo about their dating choices is interesting. It seems like she’s really taken aback by the “I mostly date white girls” comment. Especially when she brings up their similar upbringings yet she’s still dated black men. (And as an aside, I kind of loved Dean’s intelligent questions to Eric about this? He put it in a not gross or ignorant way but more in a “I genuinely want to know” about this way.)
Kim: Also her face when Will talks about how passionate he is in relationships because she’s CLEARLY comparing it to how he’s been today.
Maggie: Yeah, that was a major disconnect between what he was saying about passion and physical intimacy and what we’re seeing.
Kim: NO ROSE FOR YOU.
Maggie: Yes, cut him, cut them all, be savage, PLEASE.
Maggie: Side note, I love that she has two statement rings on the same hand.
Kim: She is ALL about the statement rings.
Maggie: ANOTHER ROSE CEREMONY ALRIGHT. I hate Chris Harrison’s smug face, by the way.
Kim: Go away.
Kim: I LOVE that she drops a line from Hamlet. TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE.
Maggie: This group really did get whittled down, damn.
Kim: It DID. Let’s cut more!
Maggie: There’s only five minutes left, we’re getting a cliffhanger, yeah?
Kim: Jesus, I hope not. I’m ready for them to get back on a traditional episode format.
Maggie: CUE THE WALKOFF, definitely getting a cliffhanger.
Kim: COME BACK RACHEL.
Maggie: Oh, no, okay, here we go.
Kim: “I hate to show emotion.” BUT GURL YOU THE BACHELORETTE. This is hilarious.
Maggie: Bryan, barf.
Kim: I am TELLING you, he’s the next Bachelor.
Maggie: I might not be able to hack a full season of face eating.
Kim: Same. But I’ll do it.
Maggie: MATT BECAUSE WHY.
Kim: (Because she’s already picked her final four, so she doesn’t care.)
Maggie: Dean, cutie.
Kim: MORE DEAN PLEASE.
Maggie: STAY OUT OF THIS CHRIS HARRISON.
Kim: He’s gotta get that paper though.
Maggie: ADAM? REALLY? Because his face got fucked up??
Maggie: Of course they give me an adorable Alex moment right before he gets cut, never a moment’s peace with this show.
Kim: LISTEN the only contenders here are Peter, Face Eater, Dean, and Eric, Personal Trainer. Those are your final 4. Bryan and Peter are your final 2. No, I have not looked at Reality Steve, I promise. (I mean, I did when the Bachelor in Paradise shit went down, but I miraculously avoided Rachel spoilers.)
Maggie: Who else is left, just Matt and Adam? PS how interesting was it that she asked Bryan how his family would feel about him dating her? I don’t remember her bringing that up to anyone else, so it feels like hometowns are confirmed for him.
Kim: Okay, that preview scared me re: Peter, so I’m just going to leave us all with a Harry gif so we won’t think about it.
What were your thoughts on this week’s two-parter? Are Rachel’s final four as obvious as we think they are? Let us know in the comments!