Maggie: Hey guys, it’s been a day, but I’m here and I’m ready to watch Matt and Adam get kicked off. Who’s with me?
Kim: I AM! I’m home late after hosting a trivia and then facing a long MTA delay but I’m here and I’m CRANKY which is a perfect mindset for The Bachelorette, no? (And yes bye Matt and Adam, nice not knowing you.)
Maggie: I kind of like that we both watched this cranky.
Maggie: Okay, is anyone else really noticing the lack of diversity in the final six or is it just me? And we know Rachel was surprised by Will dating mostly white women, so this feels like a flaw in casting to me.
Kim: I am VERY aware of it. But let’s think about it: we had the DeMario mess, Josiah was shallow AF, Anthony too pure and boring, Kenny took himself out, Will was Will, and the rest…didn’t make an impression. Which leaves us with Eric, personal trainer.
Maggie: Why didn’t they cast any diverse wifeys?
Kim: I think ON PAPER Josiah was a wifey.
Maggie: They definitely edited him as this big part of the season and then it was “Girl, bye!”
Kim: He BLEW it.
Maggie: I bet they were so mad that they didn’t let him keep the spelling bee trophy.
Kim: We move to Switzerland and Peter is in STRIPES, hitting all my style kinks.
Kim: NO ROSE CEREMONY THIS WEEK.
Maggie: Three one-on-ones and then a three-on-one. That feels more complicated than it really is? But are rose rules like for a group date or a two-on-one when it comes to a three-on-one, though??
Kim: It’s the fourth rose, so two will be going home from that one. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BET MATT AND ADAM ARE ON THAT DATE?
So Matt and Adam are like Rachel's safety schools right? #TheBachelorette
— Lydia Schauf (@lschauf5) July 11, 2017
Kim: Ugh Face Eater gets the first date, I’m too cranky for this.
Maggie: He should be in the group date, this is ridic. Right? He’s had a lot of time with her, yeah? MORE THAN MATT AND ADAM.
Kim: Honestly, we should have just skipped ahead to the hometowns. The top 4 is SUCH a foregone conclusion at this point. (I’m more interested in seeing which family makes her cut someone.)
Kim: She’s DEFINITELY talking to Peter with this whole “Don’t get too in your head” thing. But Adam, for some unknown reason, feels like she’s addressing him. YOU’RE ONLY HERE CAUSE YOU HAD A DUMMY, WHICH BLISSFULLY SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN LEFT IN AMERICA.
Maggie: YES ADAM YOU’RE AT A DISADVANTAGE THIS ISN’T YOUR FAULT.
Kim: I mean it is his fault a little. Or is it Adam Junior’s?
Kim: Ah, I see Bryan is getting the requisite Pretty Woman/Treat Yo Self date. (Which I never get the Pretty Woman GOALS mindset because you DO realize Vivian was a sex worker, right?)
Maggie: If Bryan is for sale, I’m not buying.
Kim: ALSO OMG Bryan and his use of #Blessed, I want to puke.
Maggie: Bryan doesn’t deserve a free watch, I want that on record.
Kim: I’m laughing so much at her being all “I’m getting this for you.” YOU MEAN ABC IS. (Also those watches are ugly, sorry.)
Kim: And we have face eating AND mounting in the watch store. MY EYES.
Maggie: YOU DESERVE THAT BAD KISS, RACHEL, YOUR FACE IS BEING EATEN AND IT’S ALL YOUR OWN FAULT.
Maggie: Quiet, strong confidence? Rachel, that bitch is glib. GLIB.
Kim: Her little “Mmmmm” at the end of that was cute though. SHE CUTE.
Kim: Matt and Adam pity party time!!
Maggie: They’re not showing Matt care about any of this any at all, which makes me not trust him. I feel like they’re setting Adam up for a breakdown and Matt’s over here being unrecognizable just like oh, hm, okay.
"Be the broom that just sweeps her off her feet." That is…not a thing. #TheBachelorette
— Head Over Feels (@HeadOverFeels) July 11, 2017
Maggie: Real talk does Bryan have cheek implants?
Kim: Cliché cliché shots shots.
Maggie: Date card: This is still unfair but Dean is such a cutie.
Kim: “Don’t punch me in the face.” PRECIOUS WOODLAND SPRITE. Also he tied his hoodie strings together, SHOW ME YOUR LARRY PINTEREST BOARD, DEAN.
Maggie: HER WINE GLASS IS FILLED TO THE BRIM, YOU GUYS.
Kim: Now THAT is #Goals.
Maggie: Does Bryan even have a family tragedy for the show to exploit??
Kim: He asked for an EARRING and his mom said NO, Maggie. IS THAT NOT TRAGIC ENOUGH? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Maggie: Literally I never clocked the word earring. What the fuck was he talking about?
Kim: Apparently that was the last straw for Bryan’s mom and she sent him packing to an all boys private school.
Maggie: Listen, his glib facade could be covering up some all boys school history is all I’m saying.
Kim: *angel emoji*
Maggie: Ewww him asking about the school uniforms creeped me OUT.
Kim: Okay, so he has a school girl kink. Gross. (SOMEONE EXPLAIN THE APPEAL TO ME.)
Maggie: This past relationship story is a little garbled, like the fuck happened? In Colombia? At… someone’s wedding? She broke up with him because she couldn’t compromise with his Mom about… what?
Kim: HOWEVER, I do look forward to meeting his mom after this story and the whole earring business.
Maggie: Literally the only reason I’m looking forward to his segment. PS I DON’T THINK THEY SHOW HER IN THE SCENES FOR NEXT WEEK WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
Kim: Also he is 100% going to be the Bachelor. (I keep putting that out there because I refuse to have Peter ruined for me, and it WOULD ruin him.)
Maggie: GOD THE KISSING IS SO GROSS AND BAD.
Kim: FACE EATINGGGGGGGGGG to the sounds of a string quartet.
Maggie: IT’S GOING ON FOR SO LONG WHY MAKE IT STOP.
Kim: So Bryan gets the Treat Yo Self date and Dean…goes to church? ME CONFUSE.
Maggie: A Catholic church service in another language is the worst date idea I have ever heard and I was raised Catholic, I can say that.
Kim: Why is this happening? Is there a twist? Did they send out a casting call for these church going extras? HOW IS THIS A DATE? This is literally the first time she’s mentioned ANYTHING about faith, so I call bullshit. Dean, my bro, you got screwed.
Maggie: And I like how they never actually clarified if Dean was Catholic, right??
Kim: They did NOT.
Maggie: Dean, you’ve sufficiently built it up, just tell us your sad story already.
Kim: Oh my god, he’s floundering asking her if she believes in the TOOTH FAIRY and telling her she’s pretty instead of answering her questions. This is PAINFUL. JUST TELL US WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR FAMILY DEAN.
Maggie: COME ON, DEAN, JUST TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT AND TELL US.
Kim: Aaaaaaaaaaaand Peter gets the last one on one, to NO ONE’S surprise. FINALLY.
Maggie: I want one-on-one time with Peter as much as the next gal, but THE INJUSTICE RANKLES AND I DON’T EVEN CARE ABOUT MATT AND ADAM.
Kim: Back to Dean, who is STILL floundering at dinner and she calls him out on it. Meanwhile, I am distracted by all the fondue that will never be eaten.
Maggie: I was getting so annoyed and angry at Dean, but when he said he wished she could meet the family he had, and not the one that abandoned him when he was his most vulnerable, God, that just tears my heart apart, Jesus Christ. I do wish he’d been able to just be upfront with her from the get go, though.
Kim: I just kept yelling “You poor puppy!” at my television the whole time. His EYES though. He looked so vulnerable and scared and I wanted to reach through the TV and HUG HIM. I DO think he showed his age a LOT in the way he handled this whole thing, and it concerns me.
Maggie: I was team he’s not too young, but now I do kind of wonder, is he ready to marry a woman a few years older? Doubtful?
Kim: I don’t know if he is. If he DOES, I do think it will be something HELLA INTENSE that will flame out VERY FAST.
Maggie: That first one-on-one with Peter was so fucking memorable. It sustains me, too.
Kim: OH JESUS CHRIST HOW PETER GROWLS AND HAULS HER UP FUUUUUUUUCK.
Maggie: I didn’t hear the growl and now I have a sad.
Kim: Help me. Having a guy able to do that is the fucking DREAM.
Kim: I just rewound that. I had to. HE DEFINITELY GROWLED. FUCK MEEEEEEEE.
Maggie: Matt can see who backing out? Peter? Oh, honey.
Kim: DELUSIONAL. Also that was SO STAGED and Matt needs to practice his lines more so he comes off less wooden.
Maggie: BOTH OF THEIR WINE GLASSES ARE FILLED TO THE BRIM IS THAT HOW THEY ROLL IN GENEVA.
Kim: I can’t even look at the wine, I am too distracted by the frosty highlights in his hair from the snow. JFC.
Maggie: OKAY BUT SERIOUSLY and also I see what you did there with the phrasing.
Maggie: Again, this breakup story is garbled and ineffective; they’re really forcing them with the sob stories. SOMETIMES THERE’S NO BIG TRAGEDY TO GET OFF ON, ABC.
Kim: And here we have the producers planting the story line that suddenly the front-runner from DAY ONE is afraid to commit. AND YET they are literally the only couple to point blank discuss the proposal thus far.
Maggie: They tried real hard to make us doubt that Peter was getting that rose, but come the fuck on. HE WAS A SURE THING.
Kim: Sage yelled at me about that this morning. VERY clever editing on their part. (Welcome to The Bachelorette where everything is fake and the promos don’t matter.)
Kim: I need to rant for a bit re: the Peter cold feet edit. WHY THE PRESSURE TO GET ENGAGED IT ALWAYS IRKS ME. Like why can’t he be like I really want to explore things with you in the real world. I am in this but I don’t want to get engaged cause a TV show tells me to do, I want to because I 100% know that I want to be with you forever /endrant
Maggie: I have like serious issues with the show’s premise and structure, honestly.
Maggie: Eric, Personal Trainer, literally just had a one-on-one in Copenhagen. It’s FINE, don’t complain.
Kim: Seriously. Matt and Adam can complain. Personal Trainer cannot. (Also do I HAVE to watch the rest of this episode?)
Maggie: I’m so embarrassed listening to this toast? that Adam is giving. Just because you’re talking doesn’t mean you’re saying anything.
Kim: I’m so confused that he thinks he has a relationship with Rachel.
Maggie: I hate myself for rooting for Eric, Personal Trainer, right now. That was a good conversation, though, that’s what Adam maybe was going for.
Kim: I THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD CONVO TOO. What the fuck.
Kim: Real talk, as soon as the cameras would cut away from me, I would have gone to TOWN on that cheese plate.
Maggie: What is Matt even talking about? What chances has Rachel inspired him to take?
Kim: Time to go home, buddy. He seems like he’s a good guy though.
Maggie: They have not aired anything that would merit Rachel crying this much when saying goodbye to Matt, I’m sorry.
Kim: FOR REAL.
Kim: Matt taking his bubbly with him after Rachel dumps him is the best thing he’s done on the show.
Maggie: AND HIS FINAL ACT AS A BACHELORETTE CONTESTANT IS TAKING A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE IN THE CAR. WAIT DO I LIKE MATT NOW????
Kim: He seems like he’s a cupcake. A plain vanilla cupcake, but a cupcake nonetheless.
Maggie: That guy was not dramatic enough for this show. What was he even doing here?
Maggie: Adam is so delusional RN, I can’t even look at him.
Kim: WHAT HAVE YOU BUILT UP ADAM?
Maggie: Also, I had a hard time listening to Eric, Personal Trainer, that’s my bad. But he’s going to get the rose, and I’m tapped out on sob stories for the night, organic and inorganic. WHY IS THIS SHOW TWO HOURS LONG.
Kim: I care so little about what’s happening right now that I’m revising the latest chapter of my fan fic.
Kim: Adam says the phrase “Yin Yang” and GUESS WHERE I IMMEDIATELY GO.
(*whispers* come back to me)
Kim: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Hey Maggles, this episode ended exactly how we thought it would.
Maggie: Sorry, I maybe should have been listening while she talked to Eric, Personal Trainer, but I am straight-up fatigued, y’all.
Maggie: Oh my goddd, these scenes from next week are a hundred hours long. Okay, we know what Dean meant by eccentric now.
Kim: OH MY GOD HIS DAD.
Maggie: Much tears. I am so tired.