Maggie: I hate Chris Harrison, I can’t believe we’re about to spend two hours with him.
Kim: He’s gotta earn his paycheck somewhere, Maggie. We’ll be seeing a lot of him between this week and After the Final Rose next week. I am not excited.
Maggie: I don’t remember a long most memorable montage from last season’s Men Tell All, does this mean they need to fill time?
Kim: I think we USUALLY get a big promo for Bachelor in Paradise here. OR they do a whole trot out one of the happy couples from previous seasons kind of thing. Makes me hope that there is trouble in paradise for Nick and Vanessa, which makes me happy because Nick Viall deserves nothing happy in his life.
Kim: Oh man, I wish you had been watching back in the days of Kasey. His whole “I want to guard and protect your heart” schtick would have driven you INSANE.
Maggie: EW WAIT I FEEL LIKE YOU MIGHT HAVE MENTIONED THAT AT SOME POINT. That rings the most enraging bell.
Kim: No, your head would have exploded. HE GOT A GUARD AND PROTECT YOUR HEART TATTOO.
Maggie: The fuck?
Kim: I SHIT YOU NOT.
Maggie: I HAAAAAAATE the guys who act like they need to look out for the girl, girls can handle their shit okay.
Maggie: I’M SORRY is a guy from a previous season actually explaining and apologizing for having a friendship with another guy on the show???
Kim: Oh Maggie that bromance (she says begrudgingly because just call it friendship but that’s what the show went with) got so much flack. I mean they WERE obsessed with each other, but there is so much gay panic within this franchise.
Maggie: Honestly two of the male contestants falling in love would make this show so much more enjoyable for me. But guys be friends, what the hell? Like let them.
Kim: AND LETS TROT OUT THE DUDES.
Maggie: Diggy, MY MAN.
Kim: Looking dapper as usual.
Maggie: I FORGOT BLAKE EXISTED OH MY GOD
Kim: HE’S AN ASPIRING DRUMMER HOW COULD YOU FORGET.
Maggie: Iggy with the Payne Chain.
Kim: I love that we both wrote “Payne Chain” in our notes.
Maggie: Anthony, zzzzz
Kim: Anthony is like WTF am I doing with my life?
Maggie: WHABOOM OH MY GOD I FORGOT THIS WHOLE THING IT’S BEEN A LONG SEASON.
Kim: Honestly, saying you forgot him is like the best insult you can deliver to him.
Maggie: Fred the Third Grader as he will forever be known to me.
Kim: Same, thanks to you.
Maggie: Even mocking Whaboom can’t endear DeMario to me.
Kim: GARBAGE PERSON.
Maggie: ALEX LOOK AT YOUR BLAZER YOU’RE DOING AMAZING SWEETIE.
Kim: I’m actually very sad he got sent home so early, just because of his fashion sense.
Maggie: Tickle Monster, noooooooooooooo
Kim: I LOVE HOW NO ONE CALLS HIM BY NAME.
Maggie: Lee, hard pass — and my main problem with watching tonight, we dealt with this already, MUST WE AGAIN?
Kim: What she said.
Maggie: Jack Stone? Who? And why the last name?
Kim: MAGGIE HE WAS THE SERIAL KILLER WHO TALKED ABOUT KEEPING RACHEL IN A BASEMENT.
Maggie: That tracks. Okay, Josiah, no thank you
Kim: Why didn’t he bring his trophy.
Maggie: Will, eh.
Maggie: Matt, WHO?
Kim: WHO INDEED.
Maggie: Kenny, <3
Kim: MY CUPCAKE.
Maggie: Adam, I know Adam Jr. is lurking.
Maggie: DEAN GOT A STANDING OVATION FROM HIS BOYS AWWWW.
Kim: AS HE SHOULD HAVE. HE GOT DONE WRONG BY THIS SHOW. (Okay the screams from the audience would indicate Dean clearly has to be in the running for The Bachelor but I’m scared for what that would mean for his family visits. I still stand by my assertion that it’s going to be Bryan.)
Maggie: Okay but all of this praising Rachel is reminding me of her asshole brother-in-law starting a conversation with let’s talk about what’s wrong with her.
Kim: Ugh, I had blocked that out.
Maggie: I know, Blake, I can’t believe Whaboom made a joke out of this experience for you. TRAGIC.
Kim: Shut up and kiss him already, Blake.
Maggie: HE DID OBSESS OVER WHABOOM. AND I DO KNOW HOW RIDICULOUS THAT SENTENCE SOUNDS.
Maggie: I CANNOT LOOK AWAY FROM THE SCRUNCHIE AROUND THAT GIRL’S WRIST. I’m what’s wrong with feminism, I’m sorry.
Kim: A) Bitch, I know you read this article. B) I CAN ONLY SEE THE SCRUNCHIE NOW TOO.
Maggie: “I text everybody.” What a defense, DeMario.
Kim: That’s called a “side chick.” Listen. This guy is a piece of garbage. He’s CALLING FOR RECEIPTS I CAN’T BELIEVE IT.
Maggie: OCULAR FACTS OH MY GOD.
Kim: Honestly, when Scrunchie first showed up, I totally was like they are manipulating this and it’s fake. After what went down in Paradise, I 100% am on Scrunchie’s side and hope she is posting flyers around the world, Samantha Jones style.
Maggie: TEAM SCRUNCHIE.
Maggie: JAMEY COMIN’ IN HOT WITH SOME SENSE WHO IS THIS GUY?
Kim: I DON’T KNOW.
Maggie: Iggy mattered like not at all to this competition EVEN WITH ALL THE POT STIRRING, it’s almost impressive.
Kim: Also impressive? Josiah’s eye-roll at Iggy.
Maggie: I personally fucking love that Whaboom called Iggy a joke.
Kim: OF ALL PEOPLE.
Maggie: I. LOVE. DEAN. Telling the producer “you know what I mean” and all in his baby Harry blouse.
Kim: QUITE POSSIBLY ONE OF MY FAVE MOMENTS OF THE SEASON. That’s also when we fell in love with him. ALSO Dean basically just said this: “ERRYONE LOVED KENNY AND LEE IS A FUCKING RACIST.” Bless that little sprite.
Maggie: I fucking love Kenny, he’s so classy.
Kim: SERIOUSLY. (Also I hope he runs far far away from this Franchise. I never want to see him on Paradise because I need him to stay pure.)
Maggie: If this were a Housewives reunion, we wouldn’t get to Kenny and Lee until the third reunion episode, just putting that out there.
Kim: I DON’T UNDERSTAND BRAVO REUNIONS.
Maggie: “Being in the middle of it, it didn’t feel like racism. Racism feels a certain way, it’s insidious, there’s visceral to it. As I was trying to make sense of it, trying to figure out what’s going on, it really just felt to me like okay this dude’s out of his league. He’s not really on the same level as most of the dudes that are here. To me, it was very reactionary. It was a situation where somebody’s like ‘oh man, I’m in over my head so I gotta do something, I gotta attach myself, I gotta latch onto somebody'” OKAY I TRIED TO TRANSCRIBE KENNY’S WHOLE SPEECH BUT IT’S SO MUCH.
Kim: SO MUCH. He’s so eloquent. And it’s TRUE. Lee is NOT on the same level.
Maggie: OMFG Kenny’s Lee impression
Kim: AHAHAHAHAHAHA It’s amazing. I am glad that Kenny ALSO thinks Lee is a typical Southern Villain.
Maggie: YOU CAN ONLY GET PUSHED TOO FAR thiiiiiiiiis
Kim: SO TRUE.
Kim: My new favorite thing about this episode? Kenny openly calling bullshit on Lee’s “apologies.”
Maggie: I’m so annoyed at Lee’s strategy of being calm and giving fake apologies.
Kim: IT’S ALL SO FAKE. He’s reading lines off a script and he doesn’t mean ANY of it.
Kim: Kenny and his daughter is a lot. LOOK AT THAT LITTLE POPPET.
Maggie: Oh it was a SURPRISE, I was just like didn’t he just see her backstage, damn.
Kim: BUT THEY ARE GOING TO DISNEYLAND.
Kim: Ugh, here we go with Lee.
Maggie: BITCH PLEASE YOU DID EXACTLY WHAT YOU SET OUT TO DO ON THE SHOW
Kim: “You were looking to screw with other dudes.” “I wasn’t as considerate as I could be.” WHO WROTE THIS SCRIPT, I DEMAND A REWRITE.
Maggie: OOH ANTHONY GET IN THERE YES guys this is how frustrating it is to deal with Lee, Anthony is talking.
Kim: ALSO KENNY DOING THE SNAKE. (PS WHO COUGHED RACIST?)
Kim: Lee literally is saying nothing coherent.
Maggie: YAS DEAN WITH THE RECEIPTS.
Kim: Listen. I don’t get why you go on television and DON’T SCRUB YOUR SOCIAL MEDIA. Unless you WANT it found. And Dean is like “You waited until you were on TV to apologize.” AND IT’S SO TRUE. This is performance art.
Maggie: Listen, if your tweet makes CHRIS HARRISON feel dirty, you’re dirty.
Kim: JOSIAH PULLING OUT LAWYER SWAG TO CROSS EXAMINE.
Maggie: Okay, I love Josiah for that question.
Kim: I mean he shouldn’t have to do this but this is ALSO FIRE.
Maggie: OH NO POOR LEE IT HURT YOU A LOT THAT PEOPLE FOUND YOUR RACIST TWEET.
Kim: No one cares about you anxiety, Lee.
Maggie: A YEAR AND NINE DAYS DEMARIO WITH THE RECEIPTS I mean I know the tweet was dated on screen but you KNOW he had that locked and loaded.
Kim: To think that DeMario was defending him not twenty minutes ago.
Maggie: And it’s not DeMario’s job to educate you Lee, BY THE WAYYYYY.
Kim: That is my WHOLE issue with this thing. I mean it’s amazing to watch, but they shouldn’t have to do this.
Kim: Will is killing Lee with his EYES.
Maggie: ANTHONYYYYYYYYYYYY. I’m so sorry he had to go on that lame horse date in Beverly Hills, he did not deserve to be there when the horse shit in the high-end store.
Kim: HE DID NOT. Also he used a lot of big words and Lee is confused.
Maggie: I love how Dean in the background STILL isn’t buying it because ME NEITHER. (I feel like there was a time that I didn’t love Dean but I don’t remember it.)
Maggie: DO NOT MAKE DEAN RELIVE THE FAMILY VISIT, GODDD
Kim: I can’t watch this, can’t we all just pretend his hometown date never happened?
Maggie: THIS SHOW IS CRUEL.
Maggie: “Raw and real” sure, okay but I think you meant “exploitative.”
Kim: I have put up with a LOT of shit on this show and Dean’s hometown is on a completely different level. There’s a reason we didn’t recap that episode.
Maggie: I feel bad he has to defend the show basically, he’s such a classy cupcake.
Maggie: I cannot do Paradise but I wish Dean well there? I guess?
Kim: Quite frankly, I’m a little scared for him. Or for me really, because I don’t want the show to ruin him for me.
Maggie: Did Rachel just call Chris Harrison her fairy godmother because I need help reacting to something.
Kim: SHE DID. (Also she almost tripped, which is so endearing.)
Kim: I always hate when like they make them have awkward post break-up talks on camera because like honestly, dean isn’t crying over her every night.
Maggie: OOH DEAN’S POLKA DOT SOCKS HE’S A NIALL TOO. NOW JUST THROW IGGY’S CHAIN ON HIM AND WE’LL HAVE A COMPLETE SET.
Kim: SHOW ME YOUR OT4 VISION BOARD DEAN.
Maggie: That “Who?” delivery was flawless.
Kim: IT WAS. I’m going to miss her sass.
Maggie: I’ve hit the wall on the Lee (and Kenny) stuff, I can’t absorb anymore, sorry.
Kim: Her being all ” I will give you a history lesson” I love it but AGAIN she shouldn’t have to, it’s not her job. WHY ARE WE GIVING HIM SO MUCH TIMEEEEE.
Kim: Chris Harrison is so smug with this whole thing like “Congrats, America, we cured a racist.” You didn’t.
Maggie: YOU DIDN’T.
Maggie: Oh my godddd it’s too late, I don’t care about the Adam and Matt of it all anymore.
Kim: However, I DO appreciate Rachel calling out the editing. Where is all my footage of Diggy?
Maggie: Please, Fred, don’t talk about Rachel the Eighth Grader.
Kim: Rachel has no time for the third grader.
Maggie: OMFG TICKLE MONSTER’S CHAIR IS A HAND IT IS IN THE SHAPE OF A HAND.
Kim: OH MY GOD HOW DID I MISS THAT.
Kim: BLOOPERS. My fave. Rachel falling down all the time is AMAZING.
Maggie: DEAN WAS THAT GUM OMG EW NO WHAT.
Kim: OH MY GOD GROSS.
Kim: Josiah eating ALL THE THINGS. Josiah is me.
Maggie: Oh, man, I guess Josiah IS relatable.
Maggie: WHAT IS HAPPENING ALEX AND TICKLE MONSTER HAD A SPA NIGHT?????
Kim: SPA NIGHT OMG. And see…I would enjoy this show so much more if they showed more of this shit and less of the manufactured drama.
Kim: PS I miss Peter.
Maggie: Sorry, guys, I zoned out when we got to scenes from next week, I’ll be there for all a hundred hours of it then.
WHO WILL RACHEL PICK? Tune in next week to see! In the meantime, share your thoughts in the comments.