Kim: First of all, I have to say I was eating delicious carne asada fries and drinking the BEST frosty margarita in San Diego and my television FOMO still kicked in when Maggie started having a meltdown on twitter. That’s how deep I am in this. AND THEN THE BITCH WOULDN’T TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED.
Maggie: I am mean and wonderful. THAT IS A DIRECT QUOTE FROM YOU.
Kim: It’s true. I DO appreciate your dedication to keeping me pure in this process. Even when I hate you. ANYWAY. Let’s get to it. We pick up RIGHT where we left off last week. WHO IS GOING HOME?
Maggie: I feel so bad for JoJo breaking down especially because the answer is so easy just SEND ROBBY HOME.
Kelsey: Everyone thought he was eliminating himself? Really? Haven’t they felt JoJo & Luke’s chemistry?
Kim: Also, I thought Luke’s hometown went really well? THIS IS SO UNEXPECTED.
Maggie: JORDAN. MY MAN.
Kim: Not even celebrity brother estrangement can stop this train.
Maggie: NO ROBBY WHAT THE FUCK YOU CAN’T MAKE CHASE BOTTOM 2 AFTER THAT HOMETOWN COME ON.
Kim: I SERIOUSLY don’t understand how she’s asking him to stay, especially after the whole ex-girlfriend debacle. RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE COME ON I AM SORRY. Also YES, Chase’s hometown date was flawless.
Maggie: CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASE YAS OMG THAT WAS STRESS YOU GUYS.
Kelsey: WHOA STICK WITH YOUR GUT, JOJO.
Maggie: I can’t believe she eliminated Luke before fantasy suites, though. I think she’s really, actually, for real trying to find a fiance here.
Kim: I said this in last week’s post but I would have been REAL suspect if Luke’s last-minute confession had swayed her. Not suspect of the show (FOR ONCE) but suspect of JoJo’s convictions.
Kelsey: Luke looks like, totally shocked. Aw.
Kim: He’s completely FLOORED. Like this is the most emotion we’ve ever seen from him?
Maggie: “I wanted to fall in love with you and I never got to see it through” I feel like this means he forced the ILY before he meant it, such a Hail Mary (Hi Jordan, I know football stuff are you proud of meeeeeeeeee)
Maggie: His face is so BLANK even as he says he dreamed about this so much while she’s clinging to him crying.
Kelsey: Okay, I feel like JoJo is looking for Luke to comfort her and part of me is like, ok, you have to be the stronger one in this? You’re making the choice here, and I’m sure it sucks but it’s not fair to ask the person you’re rejecting to comfort you like that?
Kim: Yeah, it’s like she want him to be as devastated as she is but he can’t be since he’s a robot.
Maggie: If he can’t express his feelings in words to JoJo, how is he going to make it as a songwriter????
Kim: Maybe he writes for Ariana Grande since I can’t understand a word out of her mouth anyway.
Maggie: Is her like baby prostitute kitten vibe compatible with his war veteran promo??
Kim: NO. Which is why the songwriter thing is a SECRET. We solved it.
Maggie: God, we’re smart.
Maggie: Okay she’s still crying but I cannot BELIEVE she called Robby second after Chase’s hometown, that is such bullshit.
Kim: I DON’T GET THE ROBBY THING. I mean, none of us do, I just felt it needed to be said again.
Maggie: He keeps saying this wasn’t supposed to happen and the way he’s saying it makes me think maybe a producer was in his ear about him staying.
Kim: Oooooh he totally got Rachel-ed. HE’S SO FLABBERGASTED I can’t get over it.
Kelsey: Aw, this is the most I’ve ever liked Luke, though, tbh. I didn’t even like watching that.
Kim: It was definitely tough. These last few cuts always are cause now FAMILIES are in it. Which is why I would want to be cut right before hometowns.
Maggie: I hate seeing JoJo second guess herself when she’s trying so hard to do the right thing.
First date: Robby
Maggie: Thailand, okay, here we go. Ugh, Robby.
Kim: I always wonder how they determine who goes when. WHY IS HE FIRST?
Kelsey: “She hasn’t told me she loves me yet” Get the fuck over it, Robby, it’s not happening.
Kim: Seriously. After what happened with Ben, why does Robby think JoJo would ACTUALLY be dropping any L-Bombs to anyone’s face? It’s not going to happen. STOP TRYING TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.
Maggie: But seriously, what hair products does he use??
Kim: HIS HAIR NEVER MOVES. It’s like Ken Doll hair.
Maggie: See, the jump the gun “I love you” wouldn’t have made me feel safe to open up to Robby, it would have freaked me the fuck out. I’m just saying.
Kim: Are we forgetting that he LITERALLY just broke up with someone? I want to reach into my TV and smack her upside the head.
Kelsey: So what I’ve noticed about Robby and JoJo is that their kissing doesn’t really seem to have much passion? IDK maybe I just want to think that.
Kim: There’s no heat there whatsoever. I mean I think there is from HIS side but she’s just like “Meh, okay.” At least that’s how I see it.
Maggie: I don’t like Robby’s serious conversation face. I don’t like Robby’s face. I don’t like Robby.
Maggie: We liked Robby’s dad though, right?
Kim: We DID.
Kelsey: “I love your family” -JoJo, the irony
Maggie: Do we think Robby forged the note?
Kim: I wouldn’t be surprised.
Maggie: I’m so grossed out, you guys.
Kelsey: I don’t have much to say about Robby because I’m just not feeling it.
Kim: I ALWAYS zone out on Robby dates. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ…
Kelsey: Ew I hope they don’t have sex.
Kim: They will. This whole “taking the next step” talk is code for “we’re gonna bang tonight”. Any time they say “intimacy,” my skin crawls.
Kelsey: And I HATE when he calls her Joelle.
Maggie: He needs to stop saying Joelle. She goes by Jojo, but we all know it’s Joelle, you’re not like proving any point by saying Joelle okay.
Maggie: I’m so upset. There’s no way you can trust this guy, I’M SORRY.
Kelsey: I think he just makes her feel like reallllllllly wanted and loved and pursued? But I don’t think she has the passion for him.
Kim: I think that’s exactly it, Kelsey. There’s something to be said about being the ADORED one in a relationship? (I wouldn’t know but I suppose there is. Hey-oooooooooooooooo this just got dark.)
Maggie: I like how her hair’s in a messy bun but his perfectly coiffed swoop is intact.
Kelsey: They wake up and Robby’s hair is still in the poof? WHAT. HOW. What kind of product is he using?
Kim: KEN DOLL HAIR.
Kelsey: WAIT SHE KNOWS SHE LOVES HIM? NOOOOOOOOOO.
Maggie: STOP SAYING YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH HIM, JOELLE
Kim: DO NOT WANT.
Date two: Jordan
Maggie: JORDAN. Goddamn do I prefer this swoop of hair. What a palate cleanser.
Kim: He uses the PERFECT amount of product to where it’s obviously styled but it’s not plastered to his head. I approve.
Kelsey: Why does she look so cute with her hair messily pulled back? I’m rocking the same style and look like a mess.
Maggie: They’re so CUTE and AFFECTIONATE.
Kelsey: Their greeting was more passionate than Robby & JoJo’s date.
Kim: It’s almost like she’s genuinely happy to see him.
Maggie: They have such a great dynamic for a physical activity like this, I actually believe they had fun and weren’t miserable in that heat.
Kelsey: Them talking about not being able to kiss in the temple.. passion is thereeeeeeee.
Maggie: Yeah, keep it in your pants until the fantasy suite, girl.
Kelsey: I think JoJo should listen to her doubts about Jordan sometimes. I don’t know, her uncertainty makes me uncertain.
Kim: I think it definitely stems from liking someone SO MUCH that you’re constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sometimes it’s almost like she’s BEGGING him to just drop that shoe already and put her our of her misery.
Maggie: I totally see that. We all know she’s better off without Ben, even JoJo knows that, but that doesn’t mean the other shoe dropping right on her face last season didn’t hurt.
Kim: And HONESTLY so much about Jordan screams TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. I mean why in the WORLD is he on this show if not for (somewhat) selfish reasons? That’s not a slam on him or me screaming WRONG REASONS, I’m just trying to see him through JoJo’s eyes. I would be waiting for it too is what I’m saying.
Maggie: Whoa whoa whoa slow your roll. Oh no a good-looking guy who’s fun to be around and sweet. OH NO. Robby is the one to worry about. Heed my warning.
Kim: Oh, I agree with you. I’m just like WHY IS HE ON THE BACHELORETTE TO FIND “LOVE”?
Maggie: WHY ARE ANY OF THESE PEOPLE ON THE BACHELORETTE?
Kim: I’m just trying to get in her head because she’s harder on him than ANYONE.
Maggie: She just needs a storyline reason to delay making it more obvious she’s going to be pick him.
Kim: Asking the hard questions because he’s her favorite. (Also, wow do we care about this or what?)
Kelsey: She SPARKLES when she looks at him, guys.
Kim: Yep. Listen, it’s been Jordan from DAY ONE. Anyone who doesn’t agree is BLIND.
Maggie: SHOULDER KISS.
Maggie: The talking to the dad stuff has got to go, Jordan. Barf. I love you but barf.
Kim: I get the sentiment but yeah. Barf.
Maggie: Does Jordan… have a job? He doesn’t have or need a homebase?
Kim: The only one who ACTUALLY has a job title listed left is Chase (“medical sales rep”). I MAY be reaching but “Former Quarterback” isn’t a job. So either he has a secret job like Luke did or he TRULY has no job. I lean more that he has a secret job. Probably in the media arena?
Maggie: Listen, this is not in the con column necessarily for me, but I think he’s going to get opportunities from the show and decide from there what to pursue next. THIS DOESN’T MEAN HE’S A BAD PICK. I STILL LOVE HIM. THE WAY HIS HAIR SWOOPS GETS ME OVERWHELMED. But yeah.
Kim: I get a very Michael in My Best Friend’s Wedding vibe from his “job”. If San Diego sweeps Sacramento…
Maggie: Hahaha yes!! I have a feeling Jojo is going to put her foot down about staying where she is.
Kim: Agreed. And Jordan’s rootlessness scares her a little. Hence the hard questioning.
Maggie: It’s good she’s pushing him, especially because she’s worried he’s been “saying all the right things.”
Kim: Please to note that she doesn’t grill Robby like this. Just saying.
Maggie: Okay but “How do you know?” is a dumb fucking question. YOU KNOW WHEN YOU KNOW.
Kim: I am a little at the point of screaming “WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT FROM HIM?” Does she want his literal blood on a piece of paper swearing that he is in this for the long haul? Look, I may be a cynical bitch, but I also know that NO ONE knows if a relationship is going to be forever when you start it. But you still start it. THAT’S JUST HOW LIFE WORKS JOELLE.
Maggie: Like five minutes ago you were capsing about him being too good to be true. I prefer these caps.
Kim: I’m just following the line of questioning. She asked him HARD questions and he answered them (some more vaguely than others but still) and she’s STILL like REASSURE ME MORE. I’m just saying at a certain point you just have to jump and hope the other person will catch you like they say they will.
Maggie: Okay, yes. Agreed.
Kim: Also wow I need to lay off the fan fic. Except I don’t.
Maggie: Too much is never enough. A-HUA.
Kelsey: The look in her eyes when she gives him the fantasy suite card is like “take your clothes off”.
Maggie: That little “hm” and smirk, OMG.
Kim: I love that everyone still pretends that it’s Chris Harrison writes these creepy ass cards and not a random production assistant.
Kelsey: “Jordan and I both love each other.”
Kelsey: Whoa they’re going STRAIGHT to bed. YEP Get it girl.
Maggie: She used the “we’re eating our first breakfast together” on Robby too
Kim: You would think she would at least try to change the script.
Kelsey: There’s no hiding the sex they had.
Kim: As I texted Maggie, this is the only episode where you see people eating because they need to re-fuel after all the sex.
Maggie: Side note: I keep noticing her candy pink manicure, it doesn’t really seem like her taste, does it?
Kim: It’s JUST this side of too girly, I agree.
Date three: Chase
Maggie: CHASE please have a great date, I really need Robby to go home.
Kelsey: I almost feel like Chase having the third date puts him at a disadvantage. She’s already in love with two people, I feel like she’s emotionally exhausted.
Kim: Totally. I worry because Chase was already on the bubble, clearly.
Maggie: WHAT AN ADORABLE NERD, YOU GUYS.
Kim: I am a SUCKER for the stupid goofy dad jokes. AHHHHHHHHHH.
Kelsey: I think I’m Team Chase. He’s the most normal.
Maggie: New development: the way that Chase’s hair swoops get me overwhelmed.
Kim: I was JUST thinking that the Thai humidity is doing his hair WONDERS. Best he’s ever looked.
Maggie: CHASE IS SO HAPPY RN OMG.
Kim: Seriously, out of NOWHERE Chase has become my favorite. Mags, you were SO RIGHT about him just needing time to warm up to all this being on camera nonsense.
Maggie: HE’S SO CUTE NOOOOOO. HE’S SUCH A GOOFBALL I LOVE THIS.
Maggie: Chase is a better person that I am, I would have been like why’d you call my name third, BITCH
Kim: I DO like that he was like “Yo I was sweating that”. HONESTY.
Kelsey: He picked her up like she’s nothing in that water, oh my.
Kim: Being an un-smol girl I have to say the whole being picked up thing is one of my dreams/kinks/JUST SOMEONE PICK ME UP BY THE BUM things and I die.
Maggie: Have I mentioned that I feel like he was too built for her?
Kim: And Jordan’s NOT?
Maggie: Chase makes him look slight.
Kim: MORE FOR ME THEN. (Though he and I will have to talk about that rib cage tattoo because I HATE.)
Maggie: I’m so glad James Taylor and his tattoos were not around for Thailand.
Kelsey: “there’s a lot riding on tonight” *giggle giggle giggle*
Kim: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Bless.
Maggie: WHAT THE FUCK IS ROBBY DOING HERE
Kelsey: Kind of Shitty.
Kim: NO ONE CRASHED YOUR DATE YOU DILL HOLE.
Maggie: WHY IS SHE SO HAPPY TO SEE HIM?
Kim: Like what makes this the MOST shitty is that now, instead of being able to focus solely on Chase, she’s gonna have that midday snog with Robby in her head. Bleccccch.
Maggie: I’M SO UPSET
Maggie: “I’m ready, Jo” WHAT HAPPENED TO ‘JOELLE,’ HUH
Kim: READY FOR WHAT? (Marriage, I get it, but there are still two episodes left, SLOW YOUR ROLL.)
Maggie: UGH HE’S SO FAKE.
Kelsey: “You were the most playful you’ve ever been” weird assessment.
Maggie: YES CHASE YOU WERE VERY PLAYFUL AND WE LOVED IT (I am so capsy tonight, JESUS)
Kim: Ugh, I feel like she’s starting to let him down easy. WHY.
Maggie: I’m so scared she’s not feeling it, you guys, he’s such a better guy than Robby, I TRUST MY GUT
Kelsey: Oh no, JoJo isn’t feeling it back, which means Robby stays? NOOOOOO.
Kim: I love how you two share a brain.
Maggie: No distractions as long as Robby doesn’t plan another drive-by.
Kim: Bitter, party of three. GOD I HATE ROBBY. WE ALL DO.
Maggie: JOJO PLEASE DON’T BREAK HIS HEART
Kim: Oh, she’s gonna.
Maggie: I’m so stressed out for him, I’m so nervous she’s not as happy with him.
Kim: Oh GOD and he’s spilling his guts and he’s SO EARNEST and her FACE she’s making the face she made when Wells got all excited and YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
Kelsey: Where is she going though. What.
Kim: ACTUALLY LEAVING THE ROOM AFTER HE TELLS HER HE LOVES HER. What a kick in the nuts.
Kelsey: I mean, follow your heart, but where are you going? Is Jordan’s room out there?
Maggie: NO I’M SO WORRIED
Kelsey: Poor Chase, sitting there, so confused.
Kim: HOW LONG DID SHE STAY OUT THERE?
Maggie: I’M SO UPSET. I just paused it, I need a minute, the show is going in the freezer.
Maggie: (like 5-7 minutes later, I’m not kidding) I don’t feel ready but I’m pressing play. I AM SO STRESSED RN.
Kim: So this is where I got the meltdown tweets over my Margs and Carne Asada fries. IT’S SO FUCKING MERITED. Precious cinnamon roll Chase. WHY.
Maggie: Yeah, JoJo, I feel sick to my stomach too. It breaks my heart too.
Kelsey: That was so fucking awkward, her coming back in. Like, what is he feeling? Completely rejected? Yep.
Maggie: Okay, but to be clear, if she’s not feeling it then he should go home but I really fucking wish she was feeling it for Chase, who is so vastly superior to Robby as a person. I know these are very strong feelings about Bachelorette contestants, but why else would you be reading this??
Maggie: This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me since this episode started.
Kim: Chase knocking back his wine before he COMPLETELY closes off = me.
Maggie: Oh this is horrible. THIS IS HORRIBLE.
Kim: WOW DON’T HOLD BACK CHASE.
Maggie: I can’t imagine how awful this feels for him but he’s lashing out and it’s HORRIBLE. I have to hold my faves to the same standards (or make an honest attempt, anyway) and this is HORRIBLE.
Kelsey: At least Chase is being honest, even though he’s also kind of being an asshole.
Maggie: I might throw up.
Kelsey: Chase isn’t having her tears. He’s mad. Respect.
Kim: I love how he’s basically like “Fuck this shit, I’m out.”
Maggie: THIS. IS. HORRIBLE.
Kelsey: “You are everything that I ever wanted” while you’re sending him home. Please stop.
Kim: AGAIN as someone who has had this happen to them, there is NOTHING worse than someone listing off all your good qualities when they are breaking up with you because it REALLY fucks with your head. You REALLY go “THEN WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME.” I feel ya, buddy.
Maggie: I can SO see that instinct, it probably seems reassuring to list off how great a person is?? But yeah, the disconnect and trying to understand WHY must be so hard.
Kim: IT IS.
Maggie: But it’s not like logical, you know? If you don’t reciprocate, you don’t reciprocate and I think that’s all the “why” Jojo had for Chase, which like, how do you even process that? There MUST be a why?
Kelsey: Chase’s honesty is half mean but totally honest. I respect it. I’d be mad too. But, I’m glad she followed her heart on it, ya know?
Kim: But she still shouldn’t have offered him the fantasy suite. Even before his love confession. UGH. I hate this.
Maggie: On a lighter note, exactly how tall is Chris Harrison?
Kim: No idea. He always comes off troll-like to me. But yet it seems he is of average height?
Maggie: Ooh if you want troll-like look no further than Evan (RIP)
Kim: We’ll have to compare on Men Tell All.
Maggie: All the tall guys made Chris look 4 ft tall. PS WHO’S TALLER EVAN OR SMOL? THESE ARE THE IMPORTANT QUESTIONS.
Kim: I BELIEVE Evan is taller. But not by much. ANYWAY.
Maggie: I. Don’t. Trust. Robby.
Kim: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND A WILD CHASE APPEARS JUST AS SHE SAYS SHE SENT HIM HOME.
Maggie: WHAT? WHAT IS HAPPENING? I hope he’s just here to apologize, honestly.
Kim: Yeah, after that rejection I would be SO SAD for him if he was here to beg for another chance.
Maggie: HE’S PROUD AND IMPRESSED AND HE ADMIRES HER AND HE’S NOT MAD ugh thank god.
Kim: BOOYAH GOOD PERSON. (Dear Chase, please don’t be the next Bachelor, I always want to remember you fondly.)
Maggie: *whispers* tell her to choose Jordan.
Maggie: I’m so glad he did that, it read as genuine even though the show orchestrated it to wring the most drama that they could.
Maggie: At least she read Jordan’s name first
Kim: That’s SOMETHING.
Maggie: I hate Robby so much, you guys.
Maggie: CHASE OMG SO CUTE TO THE MONKEY RIP I LOVE YOU.
Kim: OH THANK GOD BECAUSE I HAVEN’T GOTTEN TO USE A LOUIS GIF THIS WHOLE POST.
Stay tuned for our thoughts on the testosteroney MEN TELL ALL. It’s a LOT. Until then…#TeamJordan or #TeamRobby? Let us know!