Maggie: White girl wasted off of two glasses of wine, reporting from Tropical Storm Colin in Florida, let’s do this thing.
Kim: First of all, HOW MUCH DO I LOVE YOU that you are doing this from your vacation. (A LOT) Secondly, we have a little housekeeping to do for these posts. Last week, news broke that CHAD’S NAME WASN’T CHAD. IT IS BRIAN. And he’s even more evil than he seems, given that he bought the web domain names of fellow contestants SO THEY WOULD HAVE TO BUY THEM BACK FROM HIM. Therefore, from here on out, these recaps will be referring to him as Chian. Not to be confused with CHIAM, which is equally soul killing.
Maggie: God, poor Liam.
Maggie: HANGOVERS RIGHT. IS CHIAN THE ONLY ONE UNAFFECTED BECAUSE HE ATE?
Kim: The meat plates had a very specific purpose, Maggie. YET EVERYONE IS STILL JUDGING THEM.
Maggie: Oh, hey, sex criminal hair, hate the tank top.
Kim: I literally have a full body reaction to his horrible hair. It skeeves me out SO MUCH. All he needs is a reedy mustache.
Maggie: The Canadian vampire works out??
Kim: The shoulder to waist ratio on the Vampire freaks me out and not in a good way. There IS such a thing as too broad. And the Vampire is not proportional.
Maggie: Ewwwwwwwwww. You’re right.
Kim: You KNOW I love a Man with Curves, but I noticed how out of proportion he was when he stripped down to his skivvies in the premiere. And I hated it. Blech.
Maggie: As Chris explains the dates and roses, Colin (Maggie’s husband): “Whoa, high stakes there.” He gets it.
Kim: Another MASSIVE chunk of guys not getting a date this week too. Expand your budget, show. Or cut down on dudes.
Maggie: COLIN JUST SAID THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME!!SEE? Buncha white guys with brown hair.
Kim: Clearly her type?
Maggie: Colin: “Do you think any contestants ever show up just to hang with the other bros and maybe strike up a romance? It must have happened, right?” WOULD READ THIS FIC.
Kim: A few seasons ago, there was a VERY strong bro-mance (I HATE MYSELF FOR USING THAT WORD) between 2 contestants and the show ALWAYS gets weird and super homophobic about dudes forming close friendships. They called JJ and Clint the “Brokeback Bachelors” and USED THAT FOR PROMO and it was beyond gross. And then it was SUPER dramatic when they inevitably turned on each other because of all the no homo-ness going on. Like just let dudes love each other purely, OKAY?
Maggie: LET DUDES LOVE EACH OTHER PURELY 2K16.
Kim: Speaking of fics, we told you our 1D Bachelor AU, right? Harry is the Bachelor, Louis is the contestant who goes on as a joke at first but then actually catches feelings, Zayn is the house villain (SORRY ZAYN NOT SORRY YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELF), Liam is Chris Harrison, and Niall is the producer who ships Larry.
Maggie: YES I LOVE IT.
SEX YOGA DATE WHY. #TheBachelorette
— Head Over Feels (@HeadOverFeels) June 7, 2016
Maggie: Colin does NOT think yoga is a good date.
Kim: IT IS NOT. Every year they do a date like this where they put two people who don’t even know each other in situations where they have to get super sexual and really I just want to die from all the awkward. It physically hurts me.
Maggie: Chase I have a hard time differentiating from Jordan even though Jordan is better and also I thought Chase went home last week??? No??
Kim: That’s because Chase is the very definition of “Vanilla Contestant on The Bachelorette”. Like, he’s perfectly attractive but has zero personality on camera, which makes him completely forgettable.
Maggie: That’s why they chose yoga for a date. “Just move your pelvis.”
Kim: I want to die.
Maggie: Colin: “This isn’t yoga, this is like sex training.”
Kim: I WANT TO DIE WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF.
Maggie: Colin: “Meanwhile back at the house, running a douche contest…”
Kim: I would completely die of boredom (NO TUMBLR FOR THE DURATION OF SHOOTING? KILL ME) and/or alcohol poisoning if I lived in that house. I mean I have SOME respect for the guys who are like “Let’s pump some iron” but at the same time I roll my eyes at their desperate need to prove how big and manly they are. TESTOSTERONE.
Maggie: What the fuck is tattooed on Chase?
Kim: I don’t know but I cannot with it.
Maggie: Please don’t say “mounted”.
Kim: I WANT TO DIE.
Maggie: There’s no kissing in yoga! (I assume, I don’t practice.)
Kim: Okay, listen, here is my ultimate problem with these things. She is LITERALLY straddled on him with her legs wrapped around him and they are essentially dry humping for the camera. You KNOW he’s got a raging boner, he HAS TO. And she’s just sitting on it? I. WANT. TO. DIE.
Maggie: From the bottom of my heart…yikes.
Kim: Look, I am far from being a prude but I physically cannot. What do you actually do in this sort of situation? TELL ME.
Maggie: I would but I’m not currently doing sex stand up comedy on a group date, so.
Kim: SPOILERS, MARGARET.
Maggie: I hate Chase because he’s a Jordan fakeout.
Kim: Sorry, I am still stuck on the mounting and therefore cannot.
Maggie: CHASE CALLED IT A JOURNEY SHUT UP YOU’RE EMBARRASSING, GOD.
Kim: I’m actually surprised it took someone so long to mutter the OFFICIAL Bachelorette buzzword.
Maggie: This show IS a bastion of valuing the sanctity of marriage.
Kim: The combined seasons of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette = 30. Total of couples still together = 6. It TOTALLY values lasting relationships. HAHAHAHA.
Maggie: Oh it’s so embarrassing when there’s live music, no.
Kim: Charles Kelley must REALLY want that solo career to happen. I’m so embarrassed. Go back to Lady Antebellum.
Maggie: Colin: “How do these people’s brains work? ‘I can see a future with you’ What?”
Kim: Precisely.
Maggie: I LOVE THE DRAMA OF JAMES F VERSUS JAMES T WHEN READING DATE CARDS.
Kim: I mean, I hate to say it, but I’m with Chian here. TWELVE GUYS ON A DATE IS A LOT.
Maggie: YAS JORDAN TAKE CHAD DOWN.
Kim: I’m all for guys taking Chian down a peg, but I actually thought Jordan’s insult was weak. “Yeah well…Chad’s DUMB.” But Chian’s comeback was just as weak. “You’re a failed Jock.” Come on guys, be better.
Maggie: Who is that, Derek? Why is he still here?
Kim: I love how Derek STILL doesn’t even register for you.
Maggie: Oh, thank you Chian, erectile dysfunction pastor’s name is EVAN, okay.
Kim: Even his NAME gives me the creepies.
Maggie: The way that Jordan’s hair swoops still gets me overwhelmed, guys.
Kim: I’m going back and forth on his hair. I think it’s how the sides are close-cropped, but the top is long? It bothers me. Pick a length. The only one who can pull off that style is Harry Styles and even HE is constantly covering it with a beanie. (Do you not like your haircut, my son? You’re still the most beautiful frog prince on the planet.)
Maggie: I think Jordan is pulling it off and you KNOW how attached I am to Harry’s hair, no matter the length. (It’s his Dunkirk character’s hairstyle, not his, that’s why beanies, is my headcanon.)
Kim: Remember how Hazza is doing a REAL MOVIE? I’m so proud of him.
Maggie: Colin: “This is the biggest dick-measuring competition I’ve ever seen.”
Kim: TESTOSTERONE.
Maggie: Alex is so deeply offended on some principle and I get that but also like calm downnnnn, smol marine!
Kim: SMOL MARINE IS SO SCRAPPY.
Maggie: ALEX IS ORCHESTRATING A TAKEDOWN LET’S FUCKING GO.
Kim: Okay but he’s manipulating OTHER people to take him down instead of doing it himself so I judge him?
Maggie: Jordan and Ali in horizontal stripes *swoons*
Kim: Ali is going for early Louis Tomlinson with this look, so I am not mad about it.
Maggie: Jordan’s like “not any orgasm I’ve ever heard, honey.”
Kim: Okay, so I am back to wanting to DIE from awkward. The things people are willing to DO to get on camera. I can’t.
Maggie: Vinny’s not havin it, but I’m not havin Vinny.
Kim: I AM SO CONFUSED BY HIS HAIR. WHAT IS GOING ON UP THERE?
Maggie: This group date is my nightmare.
Kim: Same. This is why we are friends.
Maggie: I HATE THE CANADIAN VAMPIRE UGH who would have sex with him?
Kim: Bella Swan?
Maggie: Okay, Chian could maybe get out of participating like the others guys last week MAYBE but fuck off, this is the show you’re on, get on fucking board (Colin thinks he’s just here to be the next Bachelor.)
Kim: Chian would not get cast as the Bachelor in a MILLION YEARS. He’s too anti-EVERYTHING the show spews and refuses to drink the Kool-Aid about the “PROCESS”. WHY IS HE HERE THOUGH? Honestly, I want to know what went through his mind when he went to the audition? Does he want to be the poster boy for toxic masculinity? Does he think this will further his career as a luxury real estate agent in Tulsa? DOES HE WANT HIS OWN SHOW? What?
Hey Chian, being the Bachelorette does not mean consent. #TheBachelorette
— Head Over Feels (@HeadOverFeels) June 7, 2016
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Kim: Okay, but do you hate this? (Also, did you actually type this whole thing out? MAD RESPECT.)
Maggie: Hahaha I think I typed 3 or 4 then copied and pasted until I could look up without cringing too hard.
Kim: STILL.
Maggie: I kind of actually hope Chian hits Evan. IS THAT WRONG? I CAN’T TELL ANYMORE.
Kim: I mean honestly, the whole thing was pretty cowardly on Evan’s part. Especially when he was all like “I am going to win this cause I work with limp dicks all day.” Merely implying that Chad is on steroids and has fits of roid rage? Okay. ALSO DUDE IF HE GETS ROID RAGE WHY ARE YOU POKING THE BEAST? I’m so confused.
Maggie: The producers fed them the word “altercation” right?
Kim: Totally.
Maggie: He tossed the mic. THOSE ARE EXPENSIVE.
Kim: You just wanted an excuse to use the Harry gifs when you KNOW we never need an excuse.
Maggie: They served up that excuse on a PLATTER, I wasn’t looking for one.
Maggie: “It’s stand-up comedy, dude” was the funniest line of the night though.
Kim: No, the funniest line of the night was when the Comedy Hostess compared the guys to the Avengers BECAUSE THEY WISH.
Maggie: I’m not a fan of accusing Chian of using steroids, I think that’s actually fucked up and not reality TV fucked up, like even if it’s true, there’s so much else you can use to trash him with, guys, BE BETTER.
Kim: The women on The Bachelor are so much better at the insult game. Also like…I discount Evan going there because HE is so scrawny? Like he picked that cause he’s threatened by Chad’s (admittedly gross) workout and body game? YOU TOO CAN HAVE MUSCLES EVAN JUST GO TO THE GYM.
Maggie: Jordan’s casually touching Jojo’s leg seems natural and cute to me. Am I brainwashed or am I right?
Kim: No, you’re right. It didn’t feel forced.
Maggie: I do think this was maybe a retread of Jordan’s prior opening up scenes though.
Kim: The more they hold back with Jordan giving good material but JoJo clearly being into him, the more I think he’s in the final two.
Maggie: OMG that poor crew member having to get out-of-the-way.
Kim: I hope he gets hazard pay.
Maggie: Evan’s about to get MURDERED, y’all.
Kim: *Eats Popcorn* THIS IS AMAZING. (And this is what you get for poking the bear, dude.)
Maggie: “HE HAD HIS CHANCE AT LOVE!” Everyone go home, it doesn’t get any better than this.
Kim: I spit out my wine from laughing so much.
Maggie: I would rather see Robby get a date card than James Taylor and I think Robby might be a serial killer, okay?
Maggie: Has Chian said “parade of losers” before? He knows he’s on the same show as the rest of these guys, right??
Kim: I believe he said “parade of losers” last week because Sage tweeted that he rebranded the show. She wasn’t wrong.
Maggie: There are like a thousand leather jackets this episode, btw.
Kim: I feel like they shoot in February/March? Let me tell you, I was in LA in February and it was NOT leather jacket weather. So I guess everyone wants to just look tough?
Maggie: Colin thinks Chian is a closet SpongeBob enthusiast.
Kim: It’s how he relaxes when he comes down from the roids.
Maggie: Ooh he got lost in this bully analogy and I am living for it.
Kim: WHY CAN’T ANYONE FOLLOW THROUGH ON AN INSULT?
Maggie: ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION PASTOR JUST GAVE JOJO AN ULTIMATUM. THE AUDACITY.
Kim: I feel like he’s said maybe two words to JoJo? Why does he feel like he merits an ultimatum when SHE IS THE STAR OF THE SHOW. This is HER rodeo, sit down, SON.
Maggie: What do you like about Evan, JoJo? Literally tell me one thing. I’ll wait.
Kim: *crickets*
Maggie: THIS IS A BIG EPISODE, YOU GUYS.
Kim: Either the rest of the season is boring AF or it gets even MORE insane because episode 3 is super early to be busting out with the big guns.
Maggie: Does Alex think he just puppet mastered Chian out of the house because no.
Kim: Sadly, I think he DOES think he was the mastermind. In a way he IS though because he had Evan do all the dirty work which could easily backfire on him (Past Bachelor/Bachelorettes have tended to get rid of the snitch in the house before the villain of the house). He comes out of this mess looking totally innocent. SO MAYBE HE IS THE PUPPETMASTER.
Maggie: WHAT THE FUUUUUUUCK.
Kim: Christian’s face during this whole rant is a thing of beauty.
Maggie: “Daddy made out with JoJo!”
Kim: NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. BYE. OMG.
Maggie: “IS THIS A REAL SCENARIO RIGHT NOW?” Chian speaks for the audience.
Kim: Seriously, this has to have been orchestrated. QUINN AND RACHEL ARE YOU RUNNING THIS GIG?
Maggie: Smol Marine Alex has his hands clean in front of Jojo, by the way.
Kim: I should have kept reading your email as I added my notes. You so smart.
Maggie: James F is eating chips in the van and no one is food shaming him, guys.
Kim: So these men are pro-carbs and anti-protein plates then. What kind of weird fad diet is this?
Maggie: This is so fucking extra, they don’t feel UNSAFE ugh.
Kim: I am laughing SO MUCH. This is ridiculous. If there was a genuine threat to safety, Chian would have been removed IMMEDIATELY. I feel like that HAPPENED on one season? I can’t remember they all blur together. Or maybe I am thinking of The Real World? Whatever, I stand by my statement that there is no genuine threat going on here.
Maggie: I hate James Taylor, I hate typing James Taylor, I hate.
Kim: Get ready to type it a LOT.
Maggie: Old time gentleman. *barfs*
Kim: At least this is like an actual date scenario though. And I dig JoJo’s look.
Maggie: Did he take the braces off to dance?? Why???
Kim: NEVER TAKE THE BRACES OFF.
Maggie: I’m so upset about that fake newspaper.
Kim: I’m so upset by how excited he is over the fake newspaper.
Maggie: Okay but what actually is Chian eating?????
Kim: I don’t even know, I can’t look at him directly.
Maggie: Canadian vampire saying to Chian “let’s just pretend you’re Hitler” is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
Kim: “Be more like Mussolini. Or Bush.” Chian: “So you’re saying to tone it down?” OH MY GOD.
https://twitter.com/GLValentine/status/739995842027851776
Maggie: THE MOON DOES NOT LOVE YOU, GOOBER.
Kim: Of course, I immediately went to “The moon knows that we’re in love” which is an insult to one of the greatest Larry fics ever written.
Maggie: NO NOT THE GUITAR.
Kim: And here we have James Taylor busting out an original song in a bid to try to get a record deal.
Maggie: I’m so upset.
Kim: He should have gone with the JoJo song. SHE EATS IT RIGHT UP THOUGH UGH.
Maggie: I’M SO UPSET EMOTIONS ARE ALL I’M FEELING RN TOO JOJO.
Maggie: What is that little weasel up to??
Kim: OOOOOOOH HE’S TATTLING TO CHRIS HARRISON ON CHAD. AS IF CHRIS HARRISON AND HIS SMARMY FACE DOESN’T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT’S GOING ON. I do have to give Evan some credit though. he figured out how to get screentime by turning himself into a character.
Maggie: Are we saying like “boys will be boys” because no. But also this is so stupid.
Kim: AGAIN IF THERE WAS A GENUINE THREAT OF VIOLENCE, CHIAN WOULD BE GONE. But they are all “we’re not kicking you out” cause the storyline is too juicy. Chris is essentially baiting Chian to cause more drama with his whole “Make it up to them” cause the producer is like “This is some damn good television.”
Maggie: WAIT THERE’S AN INFLATED FLAMINGO IN THE POOL, NICE.
Kim: JACK MCQUEEN, WHERE ARE YOU?
Kim: DRAMATIC “TO BE CONTINUED” CREDITS.
Maggie: I hope someone literally gets murdered on air tomorrow, this is INSANE.
Will Chad murder Evan in the next episode? Tune in tonight! Until then, leave your Bachelorette thoughts in the comments.
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