“What’s that?” “A dress!” “Says who?” “Calvin Klein!” – Golden Globes Fashion

Posted by Maggie with commentary from Kim and Sage

After the 2014 Emmys, our dear friend Maggie (Queen of Snark and Horizontal Stripes) sent Sage and I a novel-length email detailing her thoughts on every single red carpet look.  You know.  Just for fun.  It was so delightful (and dead on) that we insisted that she be our official fashion correspondent for the upcoming awards season.  Let’s get right to her picks for the best and worst of the 2015 Golden Globes, shall we?

Best Dressed Women

1) Naomi Watts

Maggie: Flawless. Head to toe. Naomi makes looking this good seem effortless; why she wants me to think I can pull off yellow, I don’t know, BECAUSE I CAN’T. Also, can we discuss that necklace? I don’t know if this is her way of coming out as a Slytherin, but I loved it either way. And that red lip. Perfection.

Kim: Best use of yellow since Michelle Williams’ mustard dress at the Oscars.  You know which one I speak of.

Sage: I subjected Kim to a treatise on why a bold yellow always demands a red lip. This is Exhibit A.

2) Emma Stone

Maggie: Emma took a risk in what seemed like a very play-it-safe year and it paid off big time, in my opinion. I love the beaded bodice, especially because only the bodice being beaded set her apart from the hundred silver beaded gowns on the carpet this year. I love the big bow, and I LOVE that she wore pants. Add in a sassy hair do and gorgeous makeup and I’m sold.

Kim: I also love that she let the bodice speak for itself by not having any big accessories.  Also, Emma, please never go back to blonde again.  (And well done on this choice, Maggie, you really are right.)

Sage: This feels very inspired by Emma’s run on Broadway as Sally Bowles. Dig it.

3) Felicity Jones

Maggie: This COLOR. I can’t get over it. I love the unusual neckline, I love the silhouette. This is how Dior should look on the red carpet.

Kim: Speaking of Dior, where was their poster child, Jennifer Lawrence? I missed her presence. Also this dress feels like it’s from another era and brought a much-needed subtle elegance to the party.  She’s a tiny person and it elongates her yet doesn’t overwhelm.

Sage: If you want to do an unexpected color at awards season, you do it at the Globes. She looks impossibly classy, and I love that she went bracelet-less.

4) Lupita Nyong’o

Maggie: Lupita appeared in the red carpet coverage 90 minutes in and what a breath of fresh air. I thought she looked beautiful, from her natural hair and red lip (apparently I really love a red lip) to the flowery purple bodice and purple-to-white skirt. She was queen of my heart last awards season and this just makes me want to see more of her.

Kim: I love that she went the complete opposite direction from that SPECTACULAR cape dress she wore last year.  Obsessed with her make-up.

Sage: Lupita looks how springtime feels.

5) Gina Rodriguez

Maggie: I’m really surprised she went with black, I was expecting and hoping for color, but it’s classy and elegant without going too mature or boring. And if you didn’t tear up during her acceptance speech, you’re lying.

Kim: IMPECCABLE fit and she was so excited to be there and to do the stiletto cam that I can’t be mad at the bottom of the dress.  Her acceptance speech was one of the highlights of the night.  Also her hair and make-up are divine.

Sage: This is how you do basic black for your first award show circuit. With one unique detail.

6) Julianne Moore

Maggie: I thought this silver dress was gorgeous and I just love FEATHERS.

Kim: Her hair ruins it for me.  It’s so limp and flat. You have BEAUTIFUL RED HAIR, Julianne.  Pay attention to it.  Her body is banging and you know I love sparkles.

Maggie: I actually thought Julianne’s hair was fyne, and not too limp. She was really just letting her dress do the work, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

Sage: I agree with Kim on the hair. And by the time her category was announced, it was another casualty of the air conditioning break down. Nailed it from the neck down though.

7) Allison Tolman

Maggie: Allison Tolman means business. This black gown is gorgeous and she looked amazing in it. The skirt is just full enough without going too princessy, and can I borrow her hair and makeup team please? And thank you.

Kim: CURVY GIRLS REPRESENT.  Perfection.  The fit shows off her body without overwhelming it.  It looks COMFORTABLE too.  And like Maggie said, the face and hair are to die for.

Sage: I feel like I was predisposed to like anything she did, but my gurl slaaaayed. There were some bonkers hemlines happening on that carpet, but this is flawlessly tailored to make her look even more like a damn goddess.

8) Uzo Aduba

Maggie: I’m using this word too much, but GORGEOUS. So flattering, beautiful beading, great neckline. I love.

Kim: Reminder that on OITNB she looks like this:

You clean up good, Crazy Eyes.

Sage: Never not confident that Uzo will get it right.

9) Jessica Chastain

Maggie: Va-va-VOOM, am I right? And the metallic sheen works so well. I do wish she had gone with a red lip because apparently that’s all I want from everyone.

Kim: I had a complete meltdown over this look, especially with how amazing her breasts looked.  ALL of her curves, really.  My pick for Best Dressed of the Night.

Sage: My favorite of the night too. I need to know what architecture is happening in that bodice and how she perfected those Veronica Lake waves. Babe.

10) Allison Williams

Maggie: I’m usually really bored by Allison Williams’ Connecticut socialite airs, but I love this gown with every fiber of my being. Her hair came thisclose to ruining the look for me, but I think this overall is one of her best.

Kim: I’m with you on the hair.  It’s unfortunate that they interviewed her right after Chastain. I’m not going to steal Sage’s thunder for what she said though.

Sage: E! threw from J. Chas right to AW, and it made poor Allison look like a pre-teen playing dress-up in her mom’s closet.

Best Dressed Men

1) Eddie Redmayne

Maggie: I love the velvet jacket, this British minx knows what he’s doing.

Kim: British minx is RIGHT.

Sage: What they said.

2) Matt Bomer

Maggie: Serving up serious old Hollywood glamour, I LOVE the navy.

Kim: Actual living breathing Ken Doll.  So happy he won and yes, the navy is FAB.

Sage: Menswear designers must fall all over each other to dress this man.

3) David Oyelowo

Maggie: I grew up listening to Motown, so I was a big fan of the sparkly blue.

Kim: YAY SPARKLES.

Sage: The fact that these sparkles are somewhat muted helped David blow right past Vegas lounge act and straight on to fabulous leading man.

Worst Dressed Ladies

1) Rosamund Pike

Maggie: First look of the night and already the biggest disappointment. I was worried all last week, as Kim and Sage can attest, that she would go too edgy but this what the fuckery? I couldn’t have predicted. It’s killing me because she looks flawless from the neck up. I hope the fit was at least comfortable for the new mama, because it certainly wasn’t flattering.

Kim: If you look at pics of the back, you’ll see that it is strings and they are all digging into her trying to support those breasts.  Certainly not comfy.  But at least she can nurse her baby easily during commercials?  Also the placement of the bodice makes her beautiful breast-feeding boobs look saggy, and if there’s one thing I can’t forgive, it’s saggy boobs. It also makes her boobs look WIDE?  IDK, I’m just really obsessed with boobs.

Sage: My hands are itching to reach through my screen and hike those puppies up.

2) Claire Danes

Maggie: My first note on this look was simply “barf,” which is too bad because we need more prints on the red carpet. This just looked kind of like a printed carpet on the red carpet.

Kim: Claire Danes gives no fucks.

Sage: If your eyes can focus on anything besides this pattern, you’ll find that this actually is a nice fit. A nice fit wasted. Still, she’s hitting this on the reg, so.

3) Kerry Washington

Maggie: Star Trek Prom.

Kim: LOL LOL LOL

Sage: The shoes are KILLING me. It’s like this dress made a promise at the top that it couldn’t keep all the way down.

4) Ruth Wilson

Maggie: I like that she tried something different, but there’s a weird 70s stewardess vibe to this fabric that I just can’t get behind.

Kim: Sigh. Eyebrow game is strong though.

Sage: What even possessed her.

5) Kristen Wiig

Maggie: Did she pull a Sound of Music and whip this dress up from her curtains? Also, Emma Stone and Kate Mara are working that haircut way more successfully, sorry bb.

Kim: I wish she would learn that there are more colors in the spectrum than white, black, and beige.

Sage: If she hosts next year with Hader, she can wear anything she wants.

BONUS: Jennifer Aniston

Maggie: I was surprised and happy to see Jen wear her hair up, but in a sea of beautiful beading last night, her sequined top just looked cheap. And that slit was dying to become a wardrobe malfunction.

Kim: Agreed on the sequins.  This looked (gasp!) off the rack from Jessica McClintock.  Do better next time, Jen, cause you CLEARLY had a blast at the party.

Sage: It’s just a big meh.

Worst Dressed Man

Billy Bob Thornton

Maggie: So lazy, I was almost mad at it. No, scratch that, I was mad it.

Kim: These are the Golden Globes, put on a fucking tux, sir.

Sage: This is one handsome motherfucker and I wish he’d dress like it once in a while.

Maggie’s Superlatives

Best Red Carpet Couple – Reese Witherspoon and Cheryl Strayed

Maggie: No, but in all seriousness, it was wonderful to see them walk the carpet together, genuinely enjoying each other’s company and being supportive of one another. #ladiessupportingladies

Kim: What she said.

Sage: May this lady friendship continue long after all the carpets and podiums are back in storage.

Boss Bitch: Lorde

Best Lorde Cosplay: Melissa McCarthy

Best Jewelry

Since Naomi Watts is already in my Top 10, I want to shout out Amy Poehler for the necklace she wore with her purple gown during the awards ceremony. It was the perfect unexpected complement to that classic dress. (But Naomi’s snake necklace was amazing.) (Kim: Also Amy’s boobs)

Best Makeup

For a more dramatic look, I have to go Emma Stone (Lena Dunham, take notes because this is how it’s done).

For a lighter, more fresh-faced look, I have to go Rosamund Pike (I’m so upset about her dress, you guys).

Worst Hair — Ladies

Emily Blunt’s braids tanked her whole Grecian goddess look for me, which is shame because that gown was really pretty.

(I also humbly submit Juliana Margulies, cause it AGED her. -Kim)

Worst Hair — Men

Jared Leto and his braid (apparently I don’t like braids). (You don’t like MESSY braids. –Kim)

Worst Accessory

A tie between Kate Mara’s nude belt and Amal Alamuddin Clooney’s white clutch/gloves combo.

Best Tina & Amy Looks

Tina rocked that tux and I just loved that simple, classic purple on Amy.

Best Arm Candy:John Krasinski.

May we all be adored by a supportive man like this at least once in our lives.  –Maggie

I can’t with you, Jim Halpert. –Kim

*weeps* — Sage

Best Vegas: Kate Hudson

Worst Vegas: Jennifer Lopez

I Cannot With This Bitch No Matter What She Wears: Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting*

*Yes, I realize Kaley didn’t attend this year due to the tragedy of The Big Bang Theory not being nominated (sarcasm is tricky, did I forget to inflect? The TRIUMPH of TBBT not being nominated), but she will always, always take this one.

I Cannot With This Bitch No Matter What She Wears Runner-Up: Katherine Heigl.  (Maggie missed her red carpet interview, cause she had wisely turned to NBC at that point, but we burst into flames when Heigl told Seacrest she had a bigger body type.  –Kim)

Most Missed: Tilda Swinton.

You guys, La Swinton would definitely have livened up this overly safe red carpet, wouldn’t she? Here’s hoping The Grand Budapest Hotel’s win ensures she will be captivating us for the rest of this awards season.

A round of applause for Maggie, you guys!  Great job.  See you in 2 weeks for the SAGs!  Leave your thoughts in the comments!